Episode Guide

College Bored
Episode #103 - March 17, 1997
Written by Sam Johnson and Chris Marcil

Song List Entries For This Episode
Oops! List Entries For This Episode
Transcript For This Episode
"The Invitation" (#102)
"Cafe Disaffecto" (#104)

Regular: Daria, Quinn, Helen, Jake, Jane, Brittany, Kevin, Mack

Guest: Doug, Susan, Ramona, Heather

Non-Speaking: Jodie

Summary: When Daria and Quinn have to visit a college as part of a college prep course, Helen and Jake take them to their alma mater, Middleton College.

Full Synopsis: During a visit with some friends, Helen and Jake become concerned about Daria and Quinn's chances of getting into good colleges, so they insist that the girls take a college prep class. One of the requirements of this (rather lame) class is to visit a college, and Jake and Helen naturally pick their alma mater, Middleton College. When they arrive, they're greeted by a tour guide named Heather, and they just barely have time to start the tour when Jake is distracted by a water balloon thrown from his old dorm window. Swept up in a wave of nostalgia, Jake takes Helen to visit his old hangout, leaving Daria and Quinn with the tour guide. The tour doesn't last much longer, as Quinn decides to investigate the fraternity/sorority scene on her own. Daria and Heather then retreat to Heather's dorm room, where Daria gets a much more realistic view of college life: sitting around and watching television, working a stupid job, begging the parents for money, and helping the college students with their term papers (for cash, of course). Meanwhile, Jake gets a little too into the college scene as he tries (with no success) to act cool and "hang" with the college guys, while Helen reminisces about college life... and tears off after the girls (Quinn, specifically) when she remembers how college guys acted around women. They find Quinn at a frat house, where she had been made "keg queen" and was busy wrapping the guys around her little finger; eventually, the whole family is tossed off the campus when security finds out that the two underage girls were wandering around the campus unsupervised (even though Daria had stayed with Heather the tour guide the whole time). Back at home, Quinn receives a letter of acceptance to Manatee College in Florida, which makes Helen and Jake ecstatic... until they read the fine print, and discover that Manatee has no classes and costs $10,000 per semester. Furthermore, Daria decides to quit doing the college students' term papers, as it was getting to be too much work (not to mention the tiny little detail about Helen not letting her keep the money). Daria decides that the whole college experience kinda sucked, but is heartened when Quinn dumps the instructor of the college prep class when she finds out what a "making-out scholarship" is really all about.

Interesting Tidbits
  • The subject of college would not be seriously brought up again until "Prize Fighters" (#511), with Daria working (against her wishes) to get a scholarship, and "Is It College Yet?", with Daria and her classmates worrying about being accepted to the colleges of their choice.
  • Middleton College was established as a colonial religious college in 1776. While not conclusive by any means, this does make for a strong argument in favor of Lawndale being located somewhere on the East Coast, where the original thirteen British colonies were located. (An offhand comment in an interview with series creator Glenn Eichler places Lawndale somewhere near Baltimore, Maryland, though this is not considered "official.")
Memorable Quotes
Quinn - I think people who run over animals should get run over themselves to see how they like it.
Daria - What about unpopular animals?
Quinn - Unpopular animals don't count.
Daria - What about the stupid ones?

Daria - One more time: I am not taking a college prep course. Actually, I may just skip college and stay home. It'll save me the trouble of moving back in later.
(Jake swerves into traffic)
Helen - Watch the road!

Instructor - Today's admission standards are more rigorous than ever, which is why...
Jane - Can we get on with this? I have someplace to go. (looks at Jodie) Television counts as a place.

Kevin - Pst. Daria, what did you get for number one?
Daria - The thing about who I really am?
Kevin - Yeah.
Daria - Try "cross-dresser."

Professor - Daria, I know it's only the first week of freshmen year, but I wonder if you'd consider transferring to the graduate school.
Daria - I'm not really sure I want to be a professional student.
Professor - But I don't want you to study. I want you to teach.
Daria - Well...
Professor - Not here, of course. On our Paris campus.
Daria - Oh! Okay.
Professor - Superb! Now I can use your dorm room to carry on affairs with some of the more beautiful undergraduates. Thank you!
Daria - How come even in my fantasies everyone's a jerk?

Jake - We'll all head up to the old alma mater this weekend.
Quinn - Wait! We get to pick the college. And no one said you could come.
Helen - But Quinn, your father and I would love it if you kids followed in our footsteps.
Quinn - We're walking? Uh! (leaves)
Daria - Maybe we should visit your old nursery school first.

Heather - Okay, next is the old bell tower in the center of campus -- the historical meeting place of...
Quinn - That sounds really interesting. Which historic street are all the fraternities on?
Daria - My sister wants to study group psychology.
Heather - Right.

Helen - Remember when I used to walk through the courtyard? You and all the other guys would lean out the window and shout obscene comments. (laughs) College men. Animals! (beat) Quinn! (runs out)

Daria - What I don't know, I can fake. But cash only. I don't take checks from college students.

Daria - Okay, look, I'm not going to rewrite this paper for you, but I will give you a couple of tips that will help you rewrite it. First, the book title Sons and Lovers does not have an apostrophe in it... anywhere. Second, unless your ex-boyfriend is an authority on D.H. Lawrence, don't base your thesis on something he said while making out.
Girl - Mm. What about something he said when we broke up?
Daria - No.

Mack - I learned about the first-string exemption. Turns out if you make the starting squad, you never have to take any exams.
Instructor - All right!
Mack - Yeah. I'm looking forward to a great education.

Instructor - How did you like the famous Middleton College?
Quinn - Daria got us thrown out.
Daria - I got us thrown out? I beg to differ, Keg Queen.
Kevin - Keg Queen?! Can I have your autograph?
Quinn - Dream on, naked boy.

Geek - Hi, sir. This is something for your daughter, Daria. She wrote a paper for me.
Jake - And she made you pay in cash?
Geek - Yes, sir.
Jake - Good girl.

Jane - What happened to all your paper-writing money?
Daria - My mom wouldn't let me keep it. She said it was wrong to encourage cheaters and to profit from them.
Jane - So, she's giving up being a lawyer?
Daria - I asked her that. And I'm sure some day we'll once again be on speaking terms.
Mike Quinn's
Delayed Reaction Review

Fantastic Voyage: The fantasies of the various students in the SAT class (were they even talking about the SAT's, anyway?) were amusing. None of them were directly about going to college but most high school kids probably think that way about college. Daria seems to have a dark view on going to college here; even the administrator in her fantasy was a jerk (most of them are, but most people are cool in your own fantasies).

Poor Preparation: Daria isn't a senior in high school yet, so it is still a bit premature for Jake and Helen to feel bad about not college searching yet. Hey, I waited until January of my Senior year to submit applications and I think I turned out all right. Three years old is a bit too early to worry about admissions to college (maybe not for college funding :) and Jake and Helen shouldn't feel too bad about it.

College Boring: I know that there are some shady individuals at our fine colleges and universities but the ones at Middleton take the cake. Does anyone go to class or do their own work there? No one there really seems to want to be there for the right reasons. By the way, if you ever meet any stranger that eager to ask for your underwear, he shouldn't be too hard to catch because of his enormous balls.

College Inaccurate: Most of the things about college life in this episode are exaggerated, except maybe the thing about bad checks. While cheating is a big problem on most campuses, I can tell you that most of us don't buy our term papers, we get our smart roommates to write them for us for the exact reason Daria stated: those mailed in ones are bad. All kidding aside (I was kidding about the cheating), anyone who hasn't got to college yet (and is intending to) shouldn't expect people there to be that bad, except maybe the fraternities and sororities (kidding!!).

I think that the fantasy sequence is the best of Daria so far. However, this episode was only OK. It had its funny moments and the plot flowed well but the inaccuracies in college life were, for me, too big (being a college student).

Grade: B-

Copyright © 1998 Mike Quinn [All Rights Reserved]. Used with permission. The views presented here are those of the author, and may or may not necessarily be those of Outpost Daria Reborn.