Episode Guide
Transcript of
"Look Back In Annoyance"

"Look Back In Annoyance" was a half-hour retrospective of the series (or, as Daria so charmingly put it, "a cheap-ass clip show"). Hosted by Daria and Jane, it aired a week before the premiere of "Is It College Yet?", the TV movie that served as the series finale.

Written by Glenn Eichler and Anne D. Bernstein
First Aired January 14, 2002
(Transcript created by Richard Lobinske)

(Daria and Jane are standing in front of three moving bands of scenes from the series; this will be their backdrop throughout the show)

Daria - Hello. I am beloved on-air personality Daria Morgendorffer.

Jane - Et Jane Lane, c'est moi.

Daria - Your hosts for a fascinating Daria retrospective we call "Look Back In Annoyance."

Jane - Five years' worth of special moments from a special series. A journey to places found not on the globe, but on a map of the human heart.

Daria - In other words, a cheap-ass clip show.

(theme music)

("Esteemsters" title screen)

Jane (VO) - Daria premiered on March 3, 1997, proving conclusively that no one in programming was paying attention.

Daria (VO) - Viewers met Quinn, Jake, and yours truly in the very first scene, as Dad and I exchanged the series' inaugural gag.

(Jake is driving to school; Quinn is riding shotgun, Daria is in the back seat)

Jake - Girls, I just want you to know your mother and I realize it's not easy moving to a whole new town -- especially for you, Daria, right?

Daria - Did we move?

Jane (VO) - Quinn immediately encountered Stacy and Sandi.

(Quinn exits the car, and is immediately noticed by the other students)

Stacy - Hi! You're cool. What's your name?

Quinn - Quinn Morgendorffer.

Sandi - Cool name.

Daria (VO) - Later on, my mom, Helen, gave a pep talk.

(Helen and Daria are seated at the kitchen table)

Helen - We tell you over and over again that you're wonderful and you just... don't... get it! (slams fists on table) What's wrong with you?!

Jane (VO) - Mr. DeMartino established his even temper right off the bat.

(in Mr. DeMartino's class)

(Daria slowly raises her hand)

Mr. DeMartino - Daria, stop showing off!

Daria (VO) - Then there was the voice of authority, Mr. O'Neill...

(in Mr. O'Neill's self-esteem workshop)

Mr. O'Neill - Look, just let me get through this part, okay? Then there'll be a video!

Jane (VO) - ...dedicated educator Ms. Li...

(Ms. Li stands at the podium on the school auditorium stage)

Ms. Li - In a related note, the school nurse will be visiting homerooms tomorrow to collect DNA samples.

Daria (VO) - ...and those low-I.Q. lovebirds, Kevin and Brittany.

(in Mr. DeMartino's class)

Brittany - Uh... the Viet Cong War?

Kevin - Uh... Operation Watergate?

Jane - Ahem. Did you forget someone?

Daria - Oh, yeah, episode one's also where I met my pal here, Jane Lane, and we immediately knew we were on the same wavelength.

(Daria and Jane are walking down the street; they suddenly stop)

Both - Nocturnal emissions.

Jane (VO) - In episode two, "The Invitation," Mack and Jodie made their debut.

(Brittany, Jodie, and Mack are standing in a room with a gaudy jungle decor and giant ceramic tigers)

Brittany - How do you like my house?

Jodie - Uh, it's quite... coordinated.

Mack - And the ceramic tigers, they're grrrreat!

Jane (VO) - We also met "Casanova lite," Charles Ruttheimer III...

(Daria, Jane, and Quinn are standing on the road by the main gate when Charles pulls up in his car)

Upchuck - You ladies in need of a knight in shining armor?

Daria - Can we just take the armor and ditch the knight?

Daria (VO) - ...and the not-yet-permanently-voiced Tiffany.

(Tiffany is standing next to Sandi and the "popular girl")

Tiffany - But what's with that girl with the glasses?

Jane (VO) - We also got to meet a member of my family.

Daria (VO) - Which meant I got to act like a dork.

(Daria and Jane get out of Trent's car)

Trent - Don't do anything I wouldn't.

Daria - Bye.

(Trent drives away as they begin walking towards the main gate)

Jane - Nice conversational skills.

Daria - I hate you.

Daria - I was a little less sure of myself in those days.

Jane - That was before she dated four of the five members of N'Sync.

Daria - No one's supposed to know that! My girl-next-door image!

Jane - Oops. Um, speaking of siblings, let's take a look at the warm relationship between Daria and Quinn. Innocent, inexperienced Daria and Quinn.

Daria - I'm going to tell them about you and Vince Neil.

Jane - Shh!

("Esteemsters" - a boy is talking to Quinn as Daria and Jane enter the self-esteem workshop)

Boy - So, you got any brothers or sisters?

Quinn - I'm an only child.

("The Invitation" - Daria is standing next to Jane and "Bobby Big-Head")

Daria - Yoo-hoo! Sis! (waves to Quinn)

(Quinn hides behind ceramic tiger)

("Too Cute" - Sandi stands next to Brooke in the school hallway)

Sandi - Hello? Quinn's cousin or something? (waves to Daria)

("Just Add Water" - the Fashion Club surrounds Daria and Jane, who are snoozing on deck chairs)

Sandi - Excuse me, Quinn's visiting exchange student or whatever?

("See Jane Run" - Quinn hands Daria a stack of magazines in the library)

Quinn - Uh, librarian... could you return these magazines for me?

("Fire!" - Quinn kneels on the hotel bed as Daria walks away)

Quinn (into phone) - No, that was the maid. I think she got into the mini-bar.

Jane (VO) - I did detect a softening of your relationship over the years.

Daria (VO) - Sure, the way a banana softens before it goes completely bad.

("The Misery Chick" - in Daria's room)

Quinn - Daria, can I talk to you... about the dead guy?

("Lucky Strike" - in Daria's room)

Daria - Hey, why should you go out of your way to protect the stupid? You're not one of them!

("Speedtrapped" - in the Lexus, driving home)

Daria - That was nice, what you said. That we make a good team.

("Is It Fall Yet?" - Quinn is crying in Daria's room after David, her tutor, has turned her down)

Daria - Quinn, you're, um, not as superficial as you act. I'm sure you just feel obliged to stress the moronic aspects of your personality so you'll fit in better with the fashion drones. Like a mask you wear 'cause you think they wouldn't like the real you.

Quinn - You mean sort of the way you keep people away by being really unfriendly and stuff?

Daria - Hey, we're talking about you here.

Jane (VO) - And then finally came the momentous day when Quinn accepted her heritage.

Daria (VO) - What, she became a Jedi Knight?

("Lucky Strike" - Quinn speaking to Fashion Club in back of class)

Quinn - Besides, why shouldn't I act sisterly towards her? After all... (she looks right at Daria) ...she's my sister.

Sandi - Did you hear that? Oh, my gosh! Quinn just admitted that weird girl is her sister!

Stacy - Well, um, of course she is, Sandi. We knew that.

Tiffany - We were just being polite about it.

Jane - It's hard to believe you two are from the same household.

Daria - Or the same species.

Jane - Perhaps the clues to your aberrant interaction paradigm with your sister can be found by observing your overall family dynamic.

Daria - Huh?

Jane - Let's watch your folks go wacko.

("Sappy Anniversary" - Jake has just botched a presentation at Buzzdome.com)

Jake - Damn computer! It ate everything! Big, fat, smug, damn, stupid, crappy piece of crappy crap!

("One J at a Time" - Jake carries a bowl into the kitchen while talking to Helen)

Jake - Damn foreign-language cookbooks.

("Fat Like Me" - Jake sets his hamburger down on the kitchen table, with Daria looking on)

Jake - Damn gastroenterological disorders!

("Camp Fear" - Jake is digging in the garbage disposal with salad tongs)

Jake - Damn salad tongs!

("I Don't" - Jake and a tipsy Helen are at Erin and Brian's wedding reception; Helen is draining a glass of wine)

Jake - Honey, maybe we ought to think about getting back.

Helen (drunkenly) - No... my little party's just beginning!

("Of Human Bonding" - Jake and Daria are seated on a sofa; he's just regailed Daria with yet another story about his father, "Mad Dog" Morgendorffer)

Jake - Merry Christmas, Dad... in hell!

("Fire!" - Helen is in bed as Jake starts shouting that the house is on fire)

Helen (into phone) - Oh, my God! Eric, the house is on fire! I'll have to call you back. No, I don't know when. No, you can't hold!

("Quinn the Brain" - Jake and Helen are in the kitchen discussing Quinn's grades and effective parenting techniques)

Jake - Do I get a tambourine or something?

("Partner's Complaint" - Helen is on the phone while Daria and Jodie work on their class assignment in the living room)

Helen (into phone) - No, no, absolutely not. It's unethical, it's immoral, it may well be illegal. I'll have no part of it. Okay, I'll do it.

("One J at a Time" - Jake has his head in the refrigerator and his swaying butt in the air)

Jake (squeaky voice) - Give me cheese! I want cheese!

("Psycho Therapy" - Jake and Helen are doing a role-reversal exercise)

Jake (imitating Helen on phone) - Oh, hiiii, Eric! No, just walked in. Thought I'd make dinner for my... what? You have a hangnail?! I'll be right over!

Helen (imitating Jake, ranting and pounding fists on table) - Damn it, I lost another client! I can't understand why, damn it! (whining) Nobody likes poor, old Jake. Should I think about the reasons? Oh, must be my father's fault. (back to rant) Where's the newspaper, damn it?! (leans over as if asleep and imitates snoring)

("Ill" - Daria, Helen, and Jake in kitchen)

Daria (mumbling) - Thanks for being there for me. (leaves)

Jake - Did she just say...?

Helen - Jake, don't spoil the moment.

Jane - Aw, that one was sweet.

Daria - Please. When we return: a look at catch phrases, love-sick gazes and...

Jane - Awkward phases?

Daria - You can pretty much count on that.

Jane - Bandleader, play us out to commercial.

Daria - What bandleader?

("The Story of D" - Jake sticks his head out of the bedroom door as Daria walks past)

Jake - I found my old song lyrics! Here, I'll sing them for you. (disappears into the bedroom) Get ready to hear some dope beats!

("Ill" - Mystik Spiral is playing at the Zon)

Trent and Jesse (singing) - Ow, my nose! Ow, my face!

("Malled" - Doodad Store employees surround a confused Daria, who is their 10,000th customer)

Employees (singing) - When you're feeling bad or mad or sad, buy a doodad!

("Depth Takes a Holiday" - the Holidays, featuring Trent, performing at the Holiday Island High School prom)

Guy Fawkes Day (singing) - I'm a teen holiday and it sucks! I'm a teen holiday and it sucks!

("Esteemsters" - the "singing goofs in animal suits" try to entice the Morgendorffers to sing along)

Animal Singers (singing) - Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream... row, row, row your boat... merrily, merrily... gently... row...

(commercial bumper)

Jane - Welcome back to "Look Back In Annoyance," the Daria retrospective four or five of you have been waiting for.

Daria - Having met my family in the last segment, you might wonder why I choose to return every night to what Freudians refer to as "a bughouse fulla freaks."

Jane - Could it be 'cause the people you spend your days with make your family seem normal?

Daria - Astonishing, Holmes. Let's illustrate with a look inside the hallowed halls of Lawndale High.

Jane - Did you mean Holmes like Sherlock or homes like "yo, yo, yo, what up, homes?"

("Antisocial Climbers" - Mr. DeMartino is guiding students onto buses for the mountain camp-out)

Mr. DeMartino - Good morning, students. Please be so gracious as to haul your milk-fed buttocks onto the bus.

("Fizz Ed" - Ms. Li and Mr. O'Neill are outside on the bleachers discussing the budget crisis)

Ms. Li - Do you have any idea what a satellite transmission jammer costs these days?

("Malled" - Mrs. Bennett is standing in front of a store window at the Mall of the Millennium)

Mrs. Bennett - The Fuzzy Wuzzy Wee Bit Shop! Herbert and I collect Fuzzy Wuzzy Wee Bits!

("Jake of Hearts" - Daria has just criticized Ms. Li's allowing the Z-93 morning show to be broadcast from the school campus in exchange for a fee)

Ms. Li - Ms. Morgendorffer, those bomb-sniffing dogs have to eat.

("The Lawndale File" - Mr. O'Neill outside in front of students, standing at a microphone, wearing a black trench coat and putting on a fake beard)

Mr. O'Neill - So, without further ado... I present to you a work in progress. A solo performance I call "Nothing to Lose But His Chains: The Life of Karl Marx." The year is 1848.

(turns on tape player, from which the unmistakable sound of an aerobics instructor emerges)

Mr. O'Neill - Oh, dear... that's my exercise tape. (laughs)

("Lucky Strike" - Mr. DeMartino is exulting in his victory over Ms. Li in the teacher's strike)

Mr. DeMartino - And if I can do that, I can do anything!

("The Lab Brat" - Daria has just finished her report on her science project; her barely-a-partner, Kevin, is posturing in the background)

Ms. Barch - Excellent job, Daria. You get an A.

Kevin - All right!

Ms. Barch - Not you, you man! You get a D.

Kevin - All right!

("Lucky Strike" - teachers are picketing as Mr. O'Neill tries to come up with a strike song; he starts playing "On Top of Ol' Smokey")

Mr. O'Neill (singing) - On top of our paychecks, right under the date...

("Fizz Ed" - Ms. Li has gone into total caffeine-induced meltdown, running through the halls and smashing open Ultra Cola machines with a fire axe)

Ms. Li - Must drink soda, soda from machines. Everybody gather round the pretty machines.

(she smashes open another machine as kids yell and cheer)

Jane (VO) - And the teachers aren't the only ones who've inhaled too much chalk dust.

Daria (VO) - Yes. What about the children?

("Arts 'N Crass" - Brittany is showing her poster to Ms. Defoe)

Brittany - I call it "Don't Drink or Take Drugs." And the message is, "don't drink or take drugs."

("Lucky Strike" - Daria and the students are reading from Romeo and Juliet)

Jeffy - What does "woe" mean?

Daria - It's like the feeling you'd get if the Super Bowl were preempted by Antiques Roadshow.

Joey - Whoa!

("Antisocial Climbers" - in Mr. DeMartino's class)

Kevin - Darwin's the monkey guy, right? I like monkeys!

("It Happened One Nut" - Daria is in a peer counseling session... with Tiffany as the instructor!)

Tiffany (reading very slowly) - "You... too... can learn to... make..."

Daria - Yes?

Tiffany - "...friends."

("Quinn the Brain" - Daria has just dropped her head on top of a pile of books in her locker)

Daria - Do me a favor, will you?

Jane - Yeah?

Daria - Close my locker.

Jane - Well. Lighthearted frivolity is all well and good, but let's get to the gripping interpersonal relationship stuff, huh?

Daria - You mean the soap opera crap?

Jane - Bingo. How do some special Daria-Trent moments sound to you?

(Daria starts grumbling)

Jane - Glad you're on board.

("Road Worrier" - Daria and Jane are down in the Lane basement as Trent and Jesse are rehearsing)

Trent - Hey, Daria.

Daria - (thinking) Can't speak... must... speak... (out loud) Hey.

("Road Worrier" - Daria and Trent are sitting on the side of the road, waiting for Jane and Jesse to return)

Trent - You know, Daria, sometimes it's hard to believe you're in high school.

Daria - I find the situation unbelievable myself.

Trent - You're pretty cool.

Daria - Thanks. (smiles)

("Ill" - Trent and Jane are standing at the Morgendorffer's front door)

Trent - Hey, Daria. (he, along with Jane, registers surprise as Daria's rash returns at lighting speed)

Daria - What?

("Pierce Me" - Daria is on Axl's table, scared and nervous as hell; Trent holds out his hand to her in an attempt to help her relax)

Daria - What's that?

Trent - That's my hand. Give me yours. (beat) It's pretty clean, Daria.

Daria - No, I, um... sorry. (takes his hand)

("Jane's Addition" - Daria and Trent are at the pizza place, talking about the botched multimedia presentation)

Trent - Maybe we just have different ideas about what a commitment is.

Daria - I suppose we do.

Trent - I guess it wasn't such a great idea for us to get together... on this.

Daria - No, I guess there was no way it could have worked out.

Trent - All right, then, Daria. See you around. (gives Daria a peck on the cheek and leaves)

Daria - See ya.

Jane - Of course, we all know Daria's love life didn't stop there.

Daria (rolls eyes) - Oh, boy, here it comes.

Jane - First my brother, then my boyfriend.

Daria - I just thank God you don't have a dog.

Jane - Let's watch the sordid story unfold.

("Jane's Addition" - Jane and Daria are standing in the Zon as Tom, across the room, lowers his glass and gazes at Jane)

Jane - That guy keeps looking at me.

(later... Jane and Tom talking)

Tom - You like convertibles?

Jane - Sofas?

Tom - Cars.

Jane - Why, you got one?

Tom - Um, no... but the roof of my car is rusting through.

("Dye! Dye! My Darling" - Daria walks into Jane's room, interrupting a smooching session between Jane and Tom)

Daria - Oh!

(Jane and Tom separate)

Tom - Oops.

Jane - Oy.

("I Loathe a Parade" - Jane and Daria are standing on the sidewalk, Jane with a camera and Daria with a grocery bag containing toilet paper)

Jane - Where the hell is Tom?

Daria - Just because he's a few minutes late doesn't mean he's an inconsiderate jerk who will ultimately bring you nothing but misery.

Jane - I'm glad you're starting to warm to him.

(Daria and Tom standing on the sidewalk)

Tom - Wait a minute... was that a smile I just saw?

Daria - A twitch. More of a tic, really.

Tom - I knew you were having fun.

("Fire!" - Daria and Tom are talking in Penny's room)

Tom - Hey, did you know Stalin had Trotsky killed with an ice pick to the skull?

Daria - Good thing they didn't put him in a glass coffin.

(both laugh as Jane enters the room, looking upset)

Jane - There you are. I was just about to call your house to see where you were.

("Dye! Dye! My Darling" - Daria and Jane are talking in Jane's living room after the disastrous hair striping incident)

Jane - And you've never... made out or anything?

Daria - Come on!

Jane - I know! I'm sorry!

Daria - Can you picture me making out with anyone? Ever?

(cut to Daria and Tom in his car, kissing; after a moment of enjoyment, her eyes fly open and she pulls away)

Daria - Dammit! Dammit, dammit, dammit!

Tom - I liked it, too.

(they kiss again)

Jane - You vixen, you!

Daria - I can't help it. It's my allure. Come on, let me off the hook and let's look at some other Lawndale lovebirds.

Jane - Okay. (beat) But stay the hell away from Vince Neil.

("Partner's Complaint" - Kevin and Brittany enter the pizza place)

Brittany - Let's never ever fight again, okay? We shan't let anything mar our love.

Kevin - Aw, babe, you're so hot.

("The Daria Hunter" - Mr. O'Neill and Ms. Barch in a tent as it rains outside)

Mr. O'Neill - Because what good is signing a prenuptial agreement with another, if we don't first sign one with ourself?

Ms. Barch - I never thought it possible. You're sensitive, yet you're a male.

Mr. O'Neill - Oh, well...

(Ms. Barch suddenly leaps on top of Mr. O'Neill, and they begin some serious making out)

("Antisocial Climbers" - Helen speaks to Jake as he tries to read a cereal box)

Helen - I've been seeing an intimacy counselor to promote growth and togetherness in our relationship. It was just easier to schedule if I went alone. I'll fill you in.

("I Don't" - Kevin and Mack are walking through the bridal expo; they pass a booth where a used car salesman-type is selling wedding rings)

Salesman - Hey, fellas... just want you to know we welcome same-sex partners. What you do with the ring is your business.

(Mack and Kevin look shocked)

("Partner's Complaint" - Quinn is on the phone while Daria and Jodie work on their class assignment in the living room)

Quinn (into phone) - That's sweet of you, Russell, but we just went out two weeks ago, so I really can't go out with you again for another three weeks. Well, I consider a hospital visit a date. Sorry. Anyway, good luck with the new kidney and all. Bye.

("Antisocial Climbers" - Helen and Jake are in a mountain cabin)

Jake - Hey, look, Helen. (sexy voice) A bearskin rug.

Helen - Bearskin? Me-ow! (runs out of shot, clearly intending to disrobe)

Jake - Woof! (runs after her)

(hissing, barking and howling is heard as, presumably, Helen and Jake "put some spice back into their marriage")

("This Year's Model" - Claude and Romonica watch as the Fashion Club and several other girls rub the chests of several boys)

Claude (VO) - Now, girls, I want you to rub your hands over those virile young chests. You want them, they want you.

("I Don't" - Mack and Jodie are walking through the bridal expo)

Jodie - If I see one more sweet, dopey girl stuck with a lame-brained idiot...

(as if on cue, here come Kevin and Brittany, holding a ridiculously large bouquet of flowers)

Kevin and Brittany - Hi!

Jane - Memorable moments, all of them. And speaking of memorable lines...

Daria - No highlight show is complete without a montage of repetitive catch phrases.

Jane - Repetitive catch phrases.

Daria - Echolalia.

("I Don't" - Kevin in bleachers after spilling his drink on himself)

Kevin - Aw, man!

("Too Cute" - Kevin, in "ugly face," after being totally ignored)

Kevin - Aw, man...

("The Misery Chick" - Kevin and Mack with Tommy Sherman)

Kevin - I'm the QB.

("Jane's Addition" - Kevin after finishing his multimedia presentation)

Kevin - I was the QB.

("The Invitation" - Kevin and Mack in front of lockers)

Kevin - Yo, Mack Daddy.

Mack - Don't call me that, okay?

("See Jane Run" - Kevin and Mack in front of lockers)

Mack - I've told you a million times, don't call me that!

("Murder, She Snored" - Kevin has just been poisoned)

Kevin - Et tu, Mack Daddy?

Mack - I told you not to call me that! (swings golf club)

("Prize Fighters" - Upchuck running up behind Daria)

Upchuck - Feisty lady!

("The Invitation" - Upchuck, Jane, and Daria at the chip bowls)

Upchuck - Feisty!

("Malled" - Upchuck in the focus group room)

Upchuck - Feisty!

("Fair Enough" - Upchuck in court jester costume)

Upchuck - Feisty!

("Murder, She Snored" - Upchuck's feet are being massaged by Andrea in the Charlie's Angels sequence)

Upchuck - Feisty!

("I Loathe a Parade" - Upchuck driving his "Love Machine" in the parade)

Upchuck - Feisty!

("That Was Then, This is Dumb" - Upchuck at flea market both with Jane and Jesse)

(Upchuck growls)

("My Night at Daria's" - Upchuck at pizza place, holding a soda cup)

(Upchuck growls)

("I Loathe a Parade" - Upchuck stands in front of his car, hood up, with two female police offers glowering at him)

Upchuck - (growls) Feisty!

(one of the officers restrains him while the other starts whacking him with her nightstick)

("The Misery Chick" - Daria and Trent at the Lane front door)

(Trent laughs, then coughs)

("Is It Fall Yet?" - Trent driving the Tank while the rest of the band snoozes in the back)

(Trent laughs, then coughs)

("Fair Enough" - Brittany in Lawndale High auditorium, reacting to the news that Kevin and Quinn will be in the play)

Brittany - Eep!

("The Lawndale File" - Daria, sitting on Jane's bed, reacts to the sound of the doorbell)

Daria - Eep!

("The F Word" - Mr. O'Neill and Mr. DeMartino in their respective hotel room beds)

Mr. O'Neill - Eep!

Mr. DeMartino - Aah!

("Fizz Ed" - Ms. Li and Mrs. Bennett in the office, the former pacing and the latter sitting and drinking Ultra Cola)

Mrs. Bennett - Eep!

("Is It Fall Yet?" - Brittany notices her green hair, courtesy of the pool's chlorine)

Brittany - Eep!

("Is It Fall Yet?" - Kevin rapidly turns to keep the wall map in Mr. DeMartino's room from falling)

Kevin - Eep!

("Too Cute" - Upchuck gingerly holds one of Dr. Shar's Pre-Implant Temporary Bust Augmentations)

Upchuck - Brrrrr... (shivers as he quickly gets the willies)

("The Old and the Beautiful" - Quinn discovers Daria's jacket in her closet)

Quinn - Aaaah!

("The F Word" - Daria sits in Jane's room as Jane appears dressed "normal")

Daria - (shocked) Aaaah!

("One J at a Time" - Jake falls backward as squirrel runs from tipped garbage can)

Jake - Gaaah!

("Is It Fall Yet?" - Mr. DeMartino, at a table with campers, gets his fingers tangled in a lanyard)

Mr. DeMartino - Aaaah...! Lanyards suck! (throws lanyard on table)

("Is It Fall Yet?" - Fashion Club in school hallway)

Ms. Li (over PA) - Show your Lawndale High spirit with the gift of urine.

Fashion Club - Ewwww...!

("Arts 'N Crass" - Mr. O'Neill reacts to the poem on Daria and Jane's poster)

Mr. O'Neill - Eww.

("Fire!" - Fashion Club on lounge chairs around the hotel pool)

Stacy - Eww.

("Lane Miserables" - Jake and Helen at front door; Trent has just handed Jake his toothbrush)

Jake - Ewwww...

("I Loathe a Parade" - Fashion Club has just gotten covered with exhaust soot and fumes)

Fashion Club - Ewwww...!

Jane - After this break, Fashion Club scenes and fantastic dreams. (to Daria) Do we have time for a snack? My stomach's grumbling.

Daria - So's my very nature.

("Aunt Nauseam" - Helen stands next to Jake, who is sitting on the sofa and holding a flat cake)

Jake (meekly) - Johnnycake?

("That Was Then, This is Dumb" - Helen tosses Willow a bag from the freezer)

Helen - Sister... meet the frozen bagel.

("Prize Fighters" - Jake reading from a cookbook)

Jake - How does hot dog jalapeño hotties sound for tonight?

("The Lost Girls" - Daria has just had a taste of Jake's chili)

Daria - Chili con... cheese puff?

("Through A Lens Darkly" - at the pizza place, Daria has just explained to Jane her reasoning for prefering glasses to contact lenses)

Jane - You're a twisted little cruller, ain't ya?

("I Don't" - Kevin explains his logic for him and Mack attending the bridal expo, even though Brittany and Jodie don't want them to)

Kevin - Forbidden fruit, man... forbidden fruit.

(commercial bumper)

Daria - Welcome back to the home stretch of the Daria retrospective, "Look Back In Annoyance."

Jane - Can anything compare with the friendships formed by a tight-knit group of teenage girls?

Daria - Other than the friendships formed by a tankful of starving piranhas, I can't think of a thing.

Jane - They're not starving piranhas, Daria, they're dieting.

Daria - My mistake. Let's all grab a body-flaw-correcting swimsuit and dive into the tank with the Fashion Club.

("Road Worrier" - the Fashion Club and company standing at the door of Mom's Diner, taking in the diner's clientele)

Tiffany - Uck. Stretch pants. Everywhere, stretch pants.

Stacy - Hey, these are stretch pants! I'm wearing stretch pants!

(Stacy starts hyperventilating; Sandi grabs her by the arms to calm her down)

Sandi - They're leggings! They're... leggings. It's all right.

(Stacy gives a high-pitched sigh of relief)

("The New Kid" - Fashion Club at cafeteria table)

Sandi - As president of the Fashion Club, I can be kind of intimidating.

Quinn - Oh, you're definitely scary, Sandi.

("Fair Enough" - Sandi and Tiffany, at the pie booth, listen to Stacy crying about a guy not calling her back; all are in period costume)

Tiffany - He's not worth it. No guy is.

Stacy (tearfully) - Thanks, guys. Oh, it's so great to know I can count on my true friends.

Tiffany - So then... he's not dating anyone now?

(Stacy starts crying again)

("Too Cute" - Brooke has just explained how a person's butt holds enough fat to keep your lips luscious for decades)

Tiffany - God works in mysterious ways.

("Fat Like Me" - Quinn, dressed in yellow sweats, is coaching Sandi at the swimming pool)

Quinn - Beauty never rests. (shakes fist) Now swim, you cow, swim!

Sandi (indignant) - What?

Quinn - Sorry... coach talk.

Jane - Truly inspirational.

Daria - Yes. I'm inspired to puke.

Jane - I've got a better idea. Let's take a break from reality and step through the looking glass into a magical world of wonder.

Daria - Magical world of wonder? I thought we were doing our montage of idiotic fantasies.

Jane - Hey, we're gonna be out of work soon. I'm trying to get a job with Disney.

("College Bored" - Quinn's fantasy about her college roommates: a muscular guy in a towel, a preppie, and a cowboy)

Towel Guy - Hey, this must be the new roommate. Guys.

Preppie - Excellent. The new roommate.

Cowboy - Howdy, roomie.

("Depth Takes a Holiday" - Cupid is floating outside Daria's window, holding onto St. Patrick's Day)

St. Patrick's Day - Oh, shut up, you bloody... (Cupid drops him) ...idiot!

(Daria leans out the window to look)

("Daria!" - faculty and students are singing about the hurricane in the school gymnasium)

Upchuck (singing) - But what if, what if, what if the town blew away?

Kevin (singing) - Where would the football players play?

Fashion Club (singing) - Where would we go to shop all day?

Mr. DeMartino and Mrs. Bennett (singing) - Would we still get three months off with pay?

Mr. O'Neill and Ms. Barch (singing) - If the town blew away?

("Write Where it Hurts" - Three J's, on horseback, approach Daria and Quinn in Daria's Sense and Sensability spoof)

Joey - Miss Quinn, may I get you a bracing spot of tea?

Jeffy - Do you need a powder to cure the vapors?

Jamie - I'll tune your pianoforté.

("Legends of the Mall" - Mr. DeMartino, as Metalmouth, in shop class)

Metalmouth - Would anyone care to see my new teeth in action? (takes a huge bite out of the door)

("Daria!" - Daria, Jane, Kevin, and Brittany singing and dancing on the school roof)

All (singing) - The big, wet rainstorm's over!

("Legends of the Mall" - the Morgendorffers as a '50s family in the "House of Bad Grades" story; Jake is showing off his new bomb shelter)

Jake - How do you like the shelter, kids?

Quinn - Daddy, it's swell!

("Sappy Anniversary" - Daria's daydream: she and Tom are in a dull, grey room, and she's a reclining chair)

Tom - She's the perfect companion piece. No muss, no fuss. She offers the very best in lumbar support and durability. (sits down and leans back)

(Daria groans)

Tom - Dating doesn't get any easier than this.

("Through A Lens Darkly" - Daria's hall of mirrors nightmare)

(as her glasses-less image becomes distored and horrific, Daria wakes up with a gasp)

("Write Where it Hurts" - Jodie as a witch, Mack as a knight on horseback)

Jodie - Have you my payment? The tender liver of a newborn babe?

Mack - I'm little short on livers. Tell you what... (pulls out cards and fans them) ...play you a quick game of five-card stud for it.

Jodie - Jacks are wild.

("Ill" - Daria's dream: she's in heaven with Mrs. Sullivan, and heaven is populated with slackers and losers)

Guy - This is heaven, sweetheart. What would we want with a brain?

Daria - I don't...

Mrs. Sullivan - Mmm... sorry.

(a thunderclap sounds and Daria drops, screaming, through a hole in the clouds towards a firey light)

("Write Where it Hurts" - Daria's future story: an elderly Helen and a grown-up Quinn, baby in tow, sit at the kitchen table)

Helen - How are you, Quinn?

Quinn - Oh, you know, another day, another baby.

("Lucky Strike" - Daria sits in Ms. Li's office, with Devil Daria and Angel Daria on either side of her head)

Devil Daria - Hey, you hungry?

Angel Daria - Yeah. We can pick this up later.

(both disappear in small puffs)

("The F Word" - Jane's daydream: she's a popular cheerleader)

Kevin - Way to go, babe.

Jane - Thanks, babe.

(Kevin sweeps her into his arms and they kiss)

("Lane Miserables" - Daria's daydream: she's married to a middle-aged, pot-bellied, unemployed Trent)

Daria - Oh, Trent. Whatever happened to the man I married?

Trent - We never got married, remember? I overslept.

Jane - See what happens when you let your imagination run wild?

Daria - From now on, my imagination's under curfew.

Jane - Oh, Daria, how do you come up with your clever one-liners?

Daria - I start out with clever two-liners and then I cut them in half.

Jane - Let's take a look at some of Daria's vintage wisecracks. The show wouldn't be the same without them.

Daria - No. It would be shorter.

Jane - All right already. Yeesh!

("Esteemsters" - Daria and family at the kitchen table)

Daria - I don't have low self-esteem. It's a mistake.

Jake - I'll say.

Daria - I have low esteem for everyone else.

("I Don't" - Daria and Quinn are about to meet the other bridesmaids)

Daria - We are now entering hell. Please keep your hands and elbows inside the car.

("Write Where it Hurts" - Helen and Daria at the kitchen table, Daria reading Gardner's On Moral Fiction)

Helen - Daria, do you have to look at everything in such a negative light?

Daria - Could you possibly be referring to the harsh light of reality?

("Mart of Darkness" - Jane and Daria are wandering the isles, with Jane realizing she was totally in the wrong regarding Tom and the gummi bear incident)

Jane - I don't have a leg to stand on, do I?

Daria - I'd rather not answer that, stumpy.

("The F Word" - Daria and Jane in school hallway)

Jane - Maybe you should try failing at not being sarcastic.

Daria - (sarcastic) Yeah, that's a good idea.

("I Loathe a Parade" - on the sidewalk next to the parade, the Lawndale High mascot staggers and struggles with his costume head)

Mascot - My head's too big!

Daria - That's 'cause it's so full of dreams.

("Monster" - Jake removes a tape from the VCR as Quinn and Daria watch)

Jake - Isn't it great to sit here and see your whole life unfold before your eyes?

Daria - It's almost as good as drowning.

Jane - Wow. Well, I think that's just about enough wallowing in the past.

Daria - Let's wallow in the future with a sneak peek at our new Daria movie, "Is It College Yet?"

Jane - Debuting January 21st at 8 P.M. Eastern and featuring the premiere of a brand-new video by Garbage. Now sit back, relax, and for God's sake, don't blink.

Daria - Spoiler alert!

(instrumental version of "Is It College Yet?" theme plays over a montage of scenes from the movie)

  • Daria, Tom and Kay at Bromwell
  • Daria and Tom playing video game
  • Kevin and Brittany at pizza place
  • Quinn and Lindy at Lindy's party
  • Jane welding sculpture in her room
  • Ms. Barch stalking into room toward Mr. O'Neill
  • Helen in Morgendorffer living room
  • Mr. DeMartino looking shocked and eye bugging out
  • Andrew Landon raising eyebrows
  • Jane pulling Daria along by the arm past vegetation
  • Daria with Admissions officer at Bromwell
  • Lindy and black-haired girl laughing at Governor's Park
  • Stacy in front of lockers, looking surprised
  • Daria in Admissions office, looking worried
  • Upchuck raising hand to ear
  • Students in school hallway, throwing papers into the air
  • Split screen, Tom typing at computer and talking on phone with Daria, sitting on her bed
  • Mack and Jodie kissing and Ms. Barch walking in on them
  • Jake reading a pamphlet
  • Former Fashion Club in group hug
  • Jake hugs Daria while Helen sits nearby
  • Mr. O'Neill and Mr. DeMartino hug and cry
  • Scene from Lindy's party
  • Trent giving keys to Jane
  • Stacy blowing out candle on birthday cake
  • Tom, Daria and Kay in car
  • Daria, Tom and Kay at breakfast at Bromwell as Professor Woods walks up
  • Daria and Quinn sitting on sofa
  • Mr. DeMartino bashing head against football goalpost
  • Daria and Tom at pizza place booth, Jane walking away
  • Three J's in school hallway, talking
  • Jane leaning on wooden rail, holding glass
  • Daria sitting on steps at Jodie's party
  • Daria looking out window of Kay's car at rain-soaked Raft campus
  • Mack, Brittany and others in graduation robes, clapping
  • Helen, Jake and Quinn sitting on bleachers at graduation
  • Daria and Jane sitting in graduation robes

Daria - Well, there it is. Five years of laughs, tears and incredibly inexpensive animation boiled down to a single half hour.

Jane - With ten minutes to spare for commercials. (sarcastic) Thanks for the time, MTV.

Daria - And thank you, viewers, for sticking with us through it all. Now we've got to clear out and make room for something that better fits the schedule.

Jane - You know, "MTV Presents 'Kids Talking About Sex... During Sex!'"

Daria - So long, everybody.

Jane - Toodle-oo!

(screen fades to black, then Daria and Jane's heads reappear in two small circles)

Jane - I think we just blew our invites to the Video Music Awards.

Daria - We never get good seats anyway.

(fade out to end credits)