Episode Guide

Is It College Yet?
TV Movie
Written by Glen Eichler and Peggy Nicoll
(Transcript created by Mr. Orange and Richard Lobinske)

NOTE: Material from the original MTV broadcast
that was omitted in the DVD release appears in red text.

(opening theme song)


Jane - I must say I'm honored you've chosen to spend your valuable Saturday night with me. What happened? Tom's parents send him off for more forty-watt bulbs?

Daria - I was just craving a bit of sisterhood, so long as it doesn't involve my actual sister. What'd you do today?

Jane - I actually accomplished something... I mean, other than getting up. I applied to Lawndale State and State University.

Daria - Really? Why? I thought you wanted to go to Boston Fine Arts College?

Jane - I do want to go to BFAC, but unlike Lawndale State and State U, you have to have talent to get in. So they give you extra time to put together a killer art portfolio.

Daria - How's that going?

Jane - Why, it's going so well that when you called to go out, I only cried tears of relief for ten minutes. What about you? Still thinking about... (snooty accent) ...Bromwell?

Daria - They don't really talk like that there... I hope. Anyway, I'm applying because it's an outstanding university, not because the students engage in the rectal transport of steel rods.

Jane - The Equestrian Club must be in constant pain.

Daria - I probably won't get in, anyway. They're big on wide-ranging extracurriculars.

Jane - Damn well-rounded crap. What about your safeties?

Daria - I've applied to Raft, Ellis, Lloyd...

Jane - Raft's your safety? Gutsy, Morgendorffer.

Daria - No, no, no. Raft's my second choice. My parents won't think I've sent out enough applications if I only get rejected from one place.

Jane - Hey, Raft's in Boston, right? Wouldn't it be great if we went to college in the same town? We could meet on the weekends to eat pizza and complain.

Daria - Well, they say college is all about broadening your horizons.


(Jake and Helen are seated on the sofas; Jake goes through the mail, while Helen is reading a legal brief)

Jake - (holding a bill) Gaaaah! Six hundred dollars for shoes? That you walk in? On the ground?

Helen - Relax, Jake. I'll take care of it. (stands up) Quinn! I want you to come downstairs and explain yourself!

Daria - (entering by the front door) Finally, the mystery will be solved.

Quinn - (coming from the kitchen, speaking on phone) Sandi, I know you're not color blind, I'm just saying tangerine isn't as orange as... (sees look on Helen's face) ...call you back. (hangs up) Sorry, Fashion Club crisis.

Helen - Never mind. What's this six hundred dollar charge at Cashman's?

Quinn - But Mom, I actually saved money by buying faux alligator instead of real alligator, and I helped save the animals, too.

Daria - Oh, yeah. You got a thank-you note from the International Brotherhood of Alligator Wrestlers.

Helen - Well, you can also save your excuses. The shoes are going back.

Quinn - But I can't return them. Final markdown. However, if it makes you feel better, I promise never to buy on sale again.

Helen - You're not buying anything, period, until you pay off this bill.

Quinn - I understand. I shall require a substantial increase in my allowance.

Jake and Helen - No!

Quinn - But you know I don't have any money. It's why I have to buy on credit. Let's work together, Mother, and attack the problem at its source.

Helen - Good idea. You'll have to go out and get a job.

Quinn - Uh! (coughs) Water. (runs to the kitchen)

Daria - Hope she doesn't get any on the shoes.

Jake - Gah!

Helen - Sit down, Jake. She's not wearing them. (to Daria) Shouldn't you be working on your college applications?

Jake - Hey, yeah! You know, Daria, I'd be happy to give your application to Middleton a quick going over. I think I know a thing or two about what they like at the old alma mater.

Daria - Ummm, gee, thanks. Yes... I... uh, you're right. I should be working on my applications. Right now. (gets up from the sofa, and goes upstairs)

Helen - You know, Jake, just because we went to Middleton doesn't mean Daria will. She's applying to a lot of different places.

Jake - Oh, sure. But why would she want to go to just any old college when she could follow in our footsteps? Middleton's a Morgendorffer tradition.

Helen - So's military school.

Jake - Bite your tongue, Helen. No daughter of mine is ever going to share a latrine with fifty hateful boys who can sniff out weakness like day-old cheese.

Helen - Let's hope not, dear.


(Daria and Tom seated on sofa with video game controllers; Tom is animated, Daria is calmly sitting upright working controls)

Tom - Say your prayers, you marrow-sucking creatures from beyond death! (sound of explosion from TV) Yeah! (he turns to Daria) How come you didn't send out the zombie sweeper? Are you sure you're trying?

Daria - I don't know. Pulverizing Beelzebub's flesh-eating lackeys just isn't as much fun as it used to be.

(they set controllers down and Daria picks up the TV remote)

Tom - Maybe there's something more uplifting on TV. You know, like maybe a movie about pulverizing Beelzebub's flesh-eating lackeys.

(television screen of geeky guy at computer, typing; after a couple of seconds, flame erupts from monitor and engulfs him, leaving only a skeleton)

SSW Announcer - Everyone hates the message board miscreant, but now you can do something about it! Flame wars: the next generation, tonight on Sick, Sad World!

Daria - Finally, news you can use. Finish your college applications yet?

Tom - All except Bromwell's. Mom and Dad want to want to review the alumni section to make sure I didn't leave anyone out.

Daria - That shouldn't take more than a week or two.

Tom - So a few people in my family have gone to the school. That sort of thing doesn't count like it used to. Now, you actually have to know stuff to get in.

Daria - Or donate a building.

Tom - That was my uncle, and it was only a wing.

Daria - Yeah, they probably didn't even notice.

Tom - Did you ask about going up to Newtown to visit Bromwell with me?

Daria - It's cool with my mother as long as your mother's definitely chaperoning and we can drive up to Boston afterwards to check out a couple of other colleges.

Tom - That's the plan. Boston's where all my safeties are.

Daria - Umm, mine, too.

Tom - Hey, don't worry, Daria. You'll get into Bromwell with your incredible test scores and grades. I'll get in the old fashioned way: bribery and nepotism.

Daria - Gee, when you put it that way, it all sounds so fair and just.


(the Fashion Club members are seated around a table)

Stacy - Guys, it is so nice of you to take me out on my birthday.

Sandi - Our pleasure, Stacy. We would never leave you alone on your birthday without a date.

Tiffany - Brr.

Sandi - Just because the rest of us had dates on our birthdays...

Stacy - Oh, yes, Sandi. You mentioned that. Boy, I can't believe I'm another year older. Time goes by so fast.

Quinn - I know. Just yesterday I was playing with makeup starter kits, and today I'm being forced out in the working world. And I thought these were supposed to be the carefree years.

Stacy - I know, Quinn. Why don't you get a job here? There are lots of cute guys, and the hostesses get to dress up and wear hoopy earrings.

Sandi - Stacy! Are you suggesting that a Fashion Club member serve the public?

Tiffany - Stacy, tsk.

(Stacy whimpers)

Quinn - Uh, geez, Sandi, it's not that bad an idea. This place is sort of fun, and it wouldn't be like the kind of job where you'd endanger your nails or anything.

Tiffany - Mmmm... good point.

Sandi - Fine, if you want to sully the fine name...

(a waitress approaches, bearing a cake with a lit candle on top, and places it in front of Stacy)

Tiffany - Surprise...

Quinn - Make a wish, Stacy!

(Stacy is about to blow the candle)

Sandi - And don't worry. I'm sure that chocolate won't cause your sensitive skin to break out.

(Stacy blows the candle out)

Quinn and Tiffany (clapping) - Yay!

Stacy - Thanks, guys.

Sandi - What'd you wish for?

Stacy - Ummm; nothing.

Sandi - Come on, Stacy. Tell us! Don't be your usual drippy self.

Stacy - Nothing. Anyway, it didn't come true.


(Jodie and Mack are having lunch)

Jodie - How did your father's meeting at the bank go?

Mack - Not good. My Dad says I can't go to Vance unless they give me a scholarship. We can only afford State University, and they don't even have a business school.

Jodie - Oh, Mack. You've worked so hard. You've just got to get that scholarship.

Mack - Would you mind calling the committee and telling them that?

Jodie - I'll even tell them how cute you look when you study.

Mack - What about you? How are your applications going?

Jodie - Well, I got the big ones in today. Turner and Crestmore.

Mack - Crestmore... the dream of dreams.

Jodie - Hmmm.

Mack - What's wrong?

Jodie - It's a top school and everything, but I'd really rather go to Turner.

Mack - Your father's alma mater? He must love that.

Jodie - He doesn't know I applied.

Mack - Why?

Jodie - Because he wouldn't let me go anyway. He says not even a great African-American college like Turner can beat the Crestmore name on a resume. To say nothing of the bragging rights it'll give him on the golf course.

Mack - Oh, man. That sucks.

Jodie - You know, my grandmother was in the first Turner graduating class to admit women. I'd be carrying on a tradition. Plus, I'd finally get a break from having to be the perfect Jodie doll at a mostly-white school.

Mack - I hear that.

Jodie - I wish my father did. I can always transfer to Crestmore after a year or two. At least, I'd find what Turner's like. But his mind's made up.

Mack - Well, Crestmore hasn't accepted you yet.

Jodie - Hey, maybe we should both go to State University. Then we wouldn't have to worry about how to get together on weekends.

(Brittany and Kevin enter)

Brittany - Hi, Jodie. Hi, Mack. You know, I applied to State University, too. They've one of the best cheerleading squads in the country.

Mack - God help me!

Jodie - Ummm, that's nice, Brittany. Kevin, do you know where you're going?

Kevin - It's a secret, man.

Mack - Why? Is the school embarrassed?

Kevin - Why would it be embarrassed? I'm a QB. It's not like I'm a brain or anything.

Mack - Truer words were never spoken.

Kevin - Thanks, man!


(O'Neill is at his desk, grading papers)

O'Neill - (sighs) Tsk, tsk. Oh, Kevin. Well, maybe you'll find a job that doesn't require the ability to read and write.

Barch (OS) - I'm so depressed!

O'Neill - Janet!

(Barch stands just inside the door)

Barch - Do you know what today is? D-Day, the fifth anniversary of my D-vorce. Five years since that lazy, no good, self-proclaimed man had his cowardly desertion of me legalized.

O'Neill - Janet, I'm sorry.

(Barch advances toward O'Neill)

Barch - You're sorry? You didn't spend years of your life telling him again and again to get his grubby hands off of the remote, quit his damned coughing, stop behaving like an imbecile, only to be tossed into the trash like a broken record!

O'Neill - Um, Janet! I can certainly understand your, um, sadness.

(cut to DeMartino, who overhears the conversation and looks flabbergasted, with one eye bulging)

O'Neill (OS) - Why, marriage is a sacred union that's supposed to represent the love and trust two people...

(cut to O'Neill and Barch)

Barch - Skinny, what did you say?

O'Neill - Marriage is a sacred union that...

Barch - Yeeees!

O'Neill - Euh... yes?

Barch - I accept!

O'Neill - Um, hmmm, huh?

Barch - My silly, silly Skinny. You don't have to ask again. Yes, I will marry you!

(close-up of DeMartino - both his eyes are bloodshot)

(camera back to O'Neill and Barch)

O'Neill (while Barch kisses him) - Oh, dear!


(Kay and Tom arrive in front of Daria's house, driving a white car; cut to Morgendorffer living room; Daria is coming downstairs carrying a suitcase, Helen is looking outside by the window, and Jake is sitting on the sofa, reading his newspaper)

Helen - Daria, the Sloanes are here.

Daria - Remember, if I'm not back in Lawndale in four days, don't send anyone out looking for me.

Jake - Hey, is Middleton is on this whirlwind college tour of yours, kiddo?

Daria - Umm, not this trip.

Jake - Oh, um, Daria, you know, some people just aren't cut out for military school.

Daria - I know, Dad, but I think it's admirable the way you've managed to pull your life together despite that early trauma.

Jake - Hey, thanks kiddo. I... What?

Helen - Now Daria, when you meet the college representatives, please try to be enthusiastic... less unenthusiastic...? (sighs) At least promise me you won't physically assault anyone.

Daria - Relax, my pom-poms are packed.

(Doorbell rings)

Daria - Good Attitude Land, here I come.

(Daria opens door to reveal Tom)

Tom - Ready?


(the manager escorts the newly-hired Quinn to the hostess station, which is currenly manned by a tall blonde with a ponytail)

Michael - Lindy, this is Quinn. I just hired her to be our new hostess.

Lindy - Great! I can really use the help. Have you done hostessing before?

Quinn - Actually, um, this is my first job.

Lindy - Really? Are you still in high school?

Quinn - Umm, yeah. Although, people say I dress like I'm older.

Lindy - Well, this isn't all that different from high school, except instead of telling teachers your homework isn't ready, you're telling customers their table isn't ready. And they can't take a single point off your grade.

(Quinn laughs)


(Kay is driving, Tom in front passenger seat and Daria in back seat)

Kay - Tom, if I'd known you were going to wear those scuffed-up sneakers, I would have bought you new ones.

Tom - But I just got new ones a year ago.

Kay - That's exactly what your father would say. You two are so stuck in your ways.

Tom - We're stuck in our ways? (imitating his mother) Two sugars, a tiny slice of lemon would be dreamy, just place it on the saucer, dear, I don't like it in the cup.

Kay - (small laugh) I can't help if I'm particular about my tea. Oh, look. We're here!

(car pulls into the Bromwell University campus)


Shawna - Boy, did I do well tonight. A lot of the guys trying to distract their dates from their toupees by leaving big tips.

Quinn - Hmm. Must be first dates.

Lindy - Really? Why?

Quinn - Well, not that I date inconsistent tippers, but some of my friends say that guys tip twenty percent on the first date, seventeen on the second, and fifteen on the third. Although to be fair, a lot of people order more food on the third date because they're not as worried about looking like pigs.

(Lindy and Shawna laugh; after a moment, Quinn laughs, too)

Shawna - Quinn, you're a riot.

Quinn - I know!

Lindy - Hey, I don't know if you guys are interested, but my roommate and I are having a party on Saturday.

Shawna - Sounds cool.

Quinn - I'd love to go!

Lindy - Great. Let me write down my address.


(Andrew Landon is reading the paper as Jodie enters the room)

Andrew - You call that a tax cut? I've seen haircuts more drastic.

Jodie - Um, Dad? Could I talk to you a second?

Andrew - Sure! What's on your mind?

Jodie - Well, I've been thinking a lot about Crestmore, and a lot about Turner.

Andrew - Turner's a great school. Not nearly as elite as Crestmore, though.

Jodie - That's just it. I don't want to go to an elitist school.

Andrew - Sure you do.

Jodie - I want to go to a school where I fit in, where I can be myself and relax for once and really focus on learning. I want to go to Turner. At least for a year or two.

Andrew - You want to go to college to relax? That doesn't sound like my Honor Society daughter.

Jodie - Relax socially; stop being the black kid, and just being a kid. I'm tired of being in the extreme minority, and I don't want to go to a place where people might think I got in just because I'm African-American.

Andrew - Let people think what they want.

Jodie - But Dad, you don't know what it's like. You went to a black high school and then to Turner.

Andrew - Because I HAD to. If I had a Crestmore degree in my pocket... Jodie, their graduates are literally running this country. Think of how that degree can help you catapult ahead. I'm not saying your life won't be harder until you graduate, but it will be a hell of a lot easier after. Four years versus the rest of your life. Where is that Landon spirit?

(Jodie looks crestfallen)


(Jane is using an arc welder on a sculpture; she stops and raises her face shield as Trent enters)

Jane - What's shaking, bacon?

Trent - (sniffs air) I don't smell anything. Hey, cool sculpture. It's like a comment on the underbelly of pain... or something.

Jane - Actually, it's a comment on BFAC's incredibly high admission standards. Do you think it needs more lima beans?

Trent - Nah. Um, why do you want to go to art college? You're already an artist.

Jane - I know. But I want to be a starving artist, so I need to ring up more debt.

Trent - Well, I'd never go to music school. I wouldn't want any teachers trying to corrupt my vision.

Jane - And that is their evil plan.

Trent- Tell me about it. I mean, can you imagine what Spiral would sound like if we were, like, forced to practice, even when we don't want to?

Jane - Umm... oh, lookie, missed a spot. (Jane quickly resumes her work)


Kay - There it is, Tom: the place where your father and I met. I was a sophomore, Angier was a senior. It was a free concert by the Carpenters.

Daria - Um, I hope you weren't injured in the ensuing riot.

Tom - Well, I guess Daria and I better go in for our meetings. Don't want to get points off for being late.

Daria - Especially when we can get them off just for being ourselves.

Kay - Little chance of that, I'm sure. I'll see you later. Good luck!

Tom - Thanks.

Daria - Thanks. Your parents met at a free Carpenters concert?

Tom - Not only that, I'm pretty sure my Dad had cotton in his ears, just in case the music got too raucous.


Tom - Hi. We have appointments to see Lisa Goldwin.

(clock goes from 3:00 PM to 3:45 PM)

(Lisa steps out of her office with Tom)

Lisa - So that's why the skating rink has that sign saying "clothes required."

Tom - Well, according to my grandfather, anyway. Then again, his motto is, "never let the truth get in the way of a good story."

Lisa - (shaking hands with Tom) Tom, it was really nice meeting you.

Tom - You too, Lisa. Daria, I guess it's your turn. See you later.

Lisa - Come on in, Daria. Are you as full of Bromwell lore as Tom?

Daria - Um, I doubt it. He seems to be really full of it.

(inside Lisa's office)

Lisa - Daria, now that you've had a chance to drink in the campus, so to speak, what are your impressions.

Daria (VO) - Talk about the atmosphere? No, that's frivolous. The resources? No, she'll think I mean money. The campus? No, shallow. Oh no, inappropriately long pause. Talk, say anything.

Daria - Ummm, I like the campus, the dorms, and, um, libraries... the learning... feeling?

Daria (VO) - The learning feeling? Could I be any less articulate?

Lisa - Yes, we like those things, too. Tell me, Daria, aside from gaining a first-rate education from one of the finest faculties around, why did you want to attend Bromwell?

Daria (VO) - Should I talk about wanting to be a writer and hoping Bromwell will help me find my voice? Oh, God, how pretentious can I get?

Daria - Um, well, I guess I'm hoping that if I come here, I may be exposed to, um, points of view I never considered.

Lisa - Right, education. But what are you hoping to reap from your Bromwell experience?

Daria (VO) - Reap? Reap... reap reap!

Daria - Um, I hope to reap...

Daria (VO) - God, what does she want?

Daria - Ummm, a chance to grow...?

Daria (VO) - I did not say that!

Lisa - You're asking me?

Daria - Um, well, I think at Bromwell, I can, umm...

Lisa - Find your voice, perhaps?

Daria - Hmm, yes, exactly. Find my voice.

Daria (VO) - Note to self: stop thinking so much, Morgendorffer, you idiot!

Lisa - Daria, is everything all right?

Daria - Ummm, do you think we might possibly start over, and this time, I'll just answer your questions instead of agonizing over them internally and then blurting out something asinine?

Lisa - (laughs) Sure.


(Quinn, Tiffany, and Stacy at Quinn's locker)

Quinn - And so I seated this one couple right next to this other couple, and all of a sudden, the guy at the first table started screaming at the girl at the second table. I mean, how was I to know that she dumped that guy for the other one?

Stacy - Quinn, that's terrible!

Quinn - I know! The first guy was a lot cuter. (sees Sandi approach) Hey Sandi!

Stacy - How are you?

(Sandi moves lips but no sounds come forth)

Quinn - What did you say Sandi?

(Sandi does it again; still no sound)

Tiffany - Whaaat?

(Sandi glares, then writes something on a notepad she passes to Quinn)

Quinn - (reading notepad) Can't talk. Laryngitis. Sandi! You lost your voice!

(Stacy inhales sharply; we now get a clue as to what her birthday wish might have been)


(Daria, Tom, and Kay are seated around a table, drinking coffee)

Daria - So once I stopped worrying about what to say and just said it, I thought the interview went okay, but by then, I'd used up five of my fifteen minutes.

Tom - Your interview was only fifteen minutes? I mean...

Daria - Ummm, we should probably be get going if we want to make Boston by dinner.

Tom - Right. Mom? We should be...

Kay - Look, Tom. It's Bill Woods.

Tom - You're right. (turning to Daria). He's a lit professor here; he was also in the lawn tennis team with my father.

Daria - Of course.

Bill - Kay! Tom! I don't believe it! Why didn't tell me you were coming to town?

Kay - Well, I knew we'd only be here for the day, but... please, Bill, do join us!

Bill - Actually, I'm on my way to a meeting. MacArthur winners get so testy if they're kept waiting. How about lunch tomorrow?

Tom - Umm, Mom?

Kay - We'd love to, but I'm afraid we have to go to Boston and look at some other schools.

Bill - Really? You mean, there are other schools?

(Bill and Kay laugh)

Kay - Oh, I'm sorry. Professor Woods, this is Daria Morgendorffer. Daria, Professor Woods.

Daria and Bill - Hello.

Bill - Well then, how about a 7:30 breakfast? You can still make Boston by noon. What do you say, Tom? You can update me on your interview here. Maybe I can even throw a little influence your way. Not that you'll need it.

Tom - That would be great. Daria had an interview, too.

Bill - Then it's a date. I'll see everyone tomorrow in the faculty dining room.

Kay - Daria, you don't mind, do you?

Daria - Umm. No, it's fine.

Kay - You know, it never hurts to know the faculty. I'm sure he'd be happy to put in a good word for both of you.

Daria - Right, although he failed to say so.

Tom - Hey, about tomorrow. I don't really need to visit any more colleges, so we can go straight to Raft.

Kay - Perfect. Daria, you'll have plenty of time to see the campus.


(Daria, Tom, and Kay are waiting for Bill)

Tom - (looks at his watch) Mom, Bill was supposed to meet us at seven-thirty. It's eight.

Kay - I promise. If he's not here in another... there he is!

(Bill enters and sits down)

Bill - Sorry I'm a little late, but I just couldn't get my publisher off the phone. He does love to chat.


(dashboard clock in car shows 9:30 AM)

Kay - Well, the worst of rush hour should be over, so with a little luck, we'll be in Boston by one.

Tom - Yeah, that'll be plenty of time.

(the car arrives in very dense traffic)

Kay - Oh dear. (thunder is heard) Oh my.


(only Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany are present)

Stacy - (reading from Sandi's notepad and imitating Sandi's voice) "And so, due to her inability to manage Fashion Club meetings and a minor part-time job, Quinn has been granted permission to take an officially sanctioned sabtical..." (Sandi points to notepad) "...sabbactical..." (Sandi points more urgently)

Tiffany - Let me help. (takes notepad) "Saaaa..."

(Sandi grabs notepad, writes something and shows it to Stacy)

Stacy - (reading from notepad) "Vacation from her vice-presidential duties."

Tiffany - Ooohhh.

(Stacy lets out a nervous laugh)


(the Sloane's car arrives at the entrance of Raft under heavy rain)

Kay - Daria, my sincerest apologies for arriving here so late. (dashboard clock indicates 4:30 PM)

Tom - Mom, it's not your fault. It's raining, and there was that pile-up, and then that really slow truck.

Kay- Well, if only I could learn to drive a little more aggressively. Daria, if you like, maybe we could stay on an extra day.

Daria - Um, I don't think the Admissions Office is open on Saturday.

Kay - Oh, dear. Well, let's at least drive through the campus and try to get some sense of it.

Tom - Wow, deserted. Well, we've learned that Raft students know enough to come in out of the rain, huh Daria?

Kay - Daria, just let me know if you want to pull over.

Tom - Good thing we didn't get to Bromwell this late, huh?

(Daria looks out the rainsoaked window, scowling)


O'Neill - Janet, about our... situation, and all. I was thinking... things are moving awfully fast.

Barch - Exactly. None of this long engagement crap. We've got to get cranking before my eggs dry up!

O'Neill - Janet, we really have to talk.

Barch - We'll live at my house. Your house, with all those plants and macramé... well, pardon my French, but it's just too damn artistic.

O'Neill - See, Janet, that's what I mean. This talk about moving in...

Barch - Better yet, we'll get rid of both our places and buy a new one that doesn't reek with the scent of that loser ex-husband of mine. Now, about the honeymoon, I've always had an itch to learn parasailing.

O'Neill - Oh, dear!


Helen - (on phone) Absolutely, Eric! Accidents can happen. Listen, they're bound to have pictures of seagulls covered in oil; maybe we can have pictures of sailors covered in guano. Okay, Eric, bye. (disconnects phone and waves OS)

(Daria enters carrying suitcase)

Helen - Daria, how was your trip?

Daria - Let's see. We spent so much time at Bromwell that we only had time for the drive-by tour of Raft, but I can safely report it has nice smooth roads.

Helen - Oh, that's a shame. But, at least you got to see Bromwell. What did you think?

Daria - Well, it's pretty obvious you have to be in Who's Who to teach there, the libraries are big enough to park a jumbo jet in, and what can I say about the dorm room's high speed computer lines, except that hacking the Pentagon just got a whole lot easier.

Helen - That sounds wonderful!

Daria - Yeah. The only drawback is trying to find your classes through the fog of smugness.

Helen - Yes, it's a small price to pay for a Bromwell education.

Daria - Remember that when I come home on break referring to you and Dad as "the farmers."

Helen - I mean that the school's high opinion of itself isn't completely without merit.

Daria - So you don't care either that I never got to see Raft.

Helen - What?

(Jake enters carrying stack of mail)

Jake - Hey, Daria! Guess what came in the mail? The Middleton course catalog! And guess what? They've eliminated all the requirements, so you can take whatever you want!

Daria - You know, Bromwell isn't the only university in the world.

Jake - Bromwell? I was talking about Middleton.

(Daria sighs)

Jake - Wait a minute! Bromwell's not a military school! Yeah, Bromwell! Great idea, Daria!

Daria - Leave me alone. (goes upstairs)

Jake - What's the matter with her?

(Helen sighs heavily and leaves the room)

Jake - (reading second pamphlet) "Will you accept our gift of a dollar just to answer a few simple questions about potency?" Yeah!


(living room filled with college students; a beer keg is in one corner)

Lindy - Hey, Quinn, glad you could make it. These are my friends, Cain and Don.

(Quinn, Cain, and Don greet each other)

Lindy - Quinn works with me at Governor's Park.

Cain - I love Governor's Park. They hire such pretty women.

Quinn - (laughs) Ooh!

Don - What's your major?

Quinn - Um, I don't have a major per se. I'm kind of still in high school.

Cain - High school? Lucky... not!

(Lindy, Ken, and Don laugh)

Quinn - But I'm planning on going to college.

Lindy - College is absolutely essential. The concerts and parties are so much better.

Quinn - I know. I heard "Boys R Guys" are coming.

Don - Yeah. Can you believe it? Are they bad enough?

(Lindy, Cain, and Don laugh)

Lindy - Awful.

Quinn - Yeah! They're terrible! So, what bands do you guys like?


(Jane is photographing some of her art pieces)

Jane - I can't submit you to BFAC. You suck. (looks around) You all suck, too. (sighs) Or maybe it's time for Janey's sugar break.

(Jane enters living room; Trent is asleep in the sofa)

Jane - Oh, look, this month's mail. (grabs two envelopes from a large pile pile) Wow, State University and Lawndale State. (opens first envelope and reads) "We regret to inform you that..." (throws letter away, opens second envelope, and reads) "Due to an unprecedented number of applications..." Damn (drops letter).

(Trent wakes up)

Trent - Huh?

Jane - Both the colleges I applied to rejected me. I knew I shouldn't have taken the math portion of my SATs.

Trent - Oh. Hey, sorry. Wasn't there some other college?

Jane - BFAC? They're waiting for my portfolio. Hmm. No point in busting my ass to finish that.

Trent - No kidding. Who are these people to judge you, anyway?

Jane - What do you mean?

Trent - Hey Janey, if they could create art, they wouldn't be teaching it.

Jane - You know, you're actually beginning to make sense. Why waste four years learning a bunch of useless technique and theory I'll probably just have to unlearn if I ever want to create my own style?

Trent - Works for me.

Jane - What's the point of Lawndale State? Or even BFAC? Galleries won't care if I have a degree. In fact, I bet most artists don't go to college.

Trent - Why would they? Unless they wanted to avoid the draft... or their parents made them... or they followed some girl there... or they were showing a movie... or...

Jane - Trent!

Trent - Huh?

Jane - I've come to a decision. I'm not going to college.

Trent - Good plan.

Jane - You and I will pursue our muse together, hunker down here in our creative bunker, periodically issuing forth new works that will invariably rock the art and music worlds, respectively.

Trent - Hmmm. This isn't going to require of me to get up for breakfast, is it?


Shawna - And when my friend woke up, they had stolen his liver. (gasps from people around) That's what he said. Although the way he drinks, it's possible he just left it in a bar somewhere. (laughs)

Quinn - I wonder who her designer is?

Lindy - I know, Alicia's dress is awesome!

Quinn - You like it?

Lindy - Sure. That's what you meant, right? You weren't trashing her?

Quinn - No, of course not.

Lindy - I didn't think so. You're not the type who has to build herself up by putting others down. I hate people like that.

Quinn - Yeah, me too. (examines a mirror with a multicolor tiled frame) This mirror is so pretty. Where did you get it?

Lindy - I made it.

Quinn - Really? You know how to make glass?

Lindy - I bought the actual mirror, but I painted the tiles and put the frame together. I'll make one for you if you like.

Quinn - Lindy, that's really, really nice, but I can't pay you right away.

Lindy - Quinn, don't be silly! It's a gift. I make mirrors for all my good friends. I'm gonna grab another beer, and then you can tell me what colors of tiles you like.

Quinn - Okay.


(Daria typing at her computer when the cordless telephone rings; she stops to answer it)

Daria - Hello.

(split screen with Tom sitting on sofa)

Tom - Hey, Daria. Up to anything?

Daria - Just my usual nefarious tricks, and I'm working on a short story. Or at least it was twenty pages ago.

Tom - Want to take a break and go to the Hitchcock Festival? Rope is playing. I thought a film about bumping off your Ivy-League classmate would help us get in the spirit for next year.

Daria - Hmm. I'll admit, a good murder movie never fails to cheer me up.

Tom - How about we meet there? It'll save me some time if I don't have to swing by your place on the way.

Daria - Sure.

Tom - Great! See you inside at seven-thirty. (he turns off telephone and split screen ends)

(Daria shuts off phone and resumes typing; after a couple seconds, she stops and picks up telephone, hitting a speed-dial; back to split screen with Tom as he answers on first ring)

Tom - Hello.

Daria - On second thought, I really shouldn't leave my protagonist all alone just after her eyeballs have burst. How about later in the week?

Tom - Um, okay. Give me a call when you're free.

Daria - Okay, bye. (she hangs up and split screen ends as she resumes typing)


(O'Neill is preparing the day's lesson, when he notices an envelope slid under the door)

O'Neill - Huh? When will Ms. Li stop trying to collect fingerprint samples?

(he picks up the envelope; on it is written "TIMOTHY" with letters cut out from magazines)

O'Neill - Oh.

(he opens the envelope to reveal a single sheet of paper; also in cut-out letters is the message, "MEET ME AT THE LIQUID DINNER AT EIGHT")

O'Neill - The Liquid Dinner?


(Quinn looking into a mirror inside her locker and fixing her hair)

Quinn - I hate bad bang fluff days.

Stacy - (comes running) Oh, Quinn! I have to talk to you about something just awful!

Quinn - Hum, Stacy, if this is about how your little toe is all knobbly...

Stacy - Not that. You know when I made that birthday wish at Governor's Park? Well, I didn't mean to, but Sandi was talking and it was ruining my concentration, and, well, I wished she'd just shut up and I blew out the candle and it was too late to take back the wish and then Sandi came down with laryngitis!

Quinn - That's terrible! It's like that movie where that lady put that curse on that guy and he kept losing weight, although I still haven't figured out what was supposed to be bad about that.

Stacy - I don't know what to do, and I don't want to tell Sandi, because you know how her eyes get all narrow and her lip curls and she gets that lizard face.

Quinn - Stacy, this is easily solved. Just lift the curse.

Stacy - But how do you do that? I didn't know I was cursing her!

Quinn - God, Stacy! What do I look like, a whodoo expert? I don't know how to lift a curse. You're gonna have to find someone who does.


(cheerleaders Angie, Lisa, and Nikki are talking in front of lockers when Brittany enters)

Brittany - I'm so excited! I just found out I got in the Great Prairie State University!

Angie - You did? Me too!

Lisa - So did I!

Nikki - Me, too!

Brittany - Wow! It was really nice of them to take all of us!

Lisa - I know, especially after everyone else said no.

(Kevin enters)

Kevin - Hey, how's it going?

Brittany - Kevvie! Guess what? Practically the whole cheerleading squad is going to Great Prairie State University.

Kevin - That's nice, babe. (leaves)

Brittany - Wait, where are you going?

Kevin (OS) - Practice.

Brittany - Ooh!

Angie - Brittany? Didn't you mean where's he going to college?

Brittany - Hey, yeah!

Nikki - Brittany, isn't football season over?

Brittany - Hey, yeah! Kevvie!


(Jodie is putting up a poster for a used books sale next to a trophy case when Mack approaches)

Mack - Hey, shake the hand of a Vance University man. (holds his hand out in an exaggerated gesture)

Jodie - You got the scholarship? Oh, Mack! That's great! (shakes his hand)

Mack - You're actually shaking my hand?

Jodie - Oh, Mack! (hugs Mack)

Mack - Is something the matter?

Jodie - What could be the matter? Everything's perfect. (begins to cry) I got into Crestmore.

Mack - (hugs a crying Jodie) Crestmore took you when Turner didn't? That's weird.

Jodie - I got into Turner, too.

Mack - (releases Jodie) What? But didn't you tell your father that's where you want to go?

Jodie - I tried, Mack, but he's right. Crestmore is gonna open doors for me that Turner never could. I think it's a better choice. (stops crying)

Mack - No, you don't. Look at you! You're miserable!

Jodie - I don't want to talk about it anymore, okay? I told you, I want to go to Crestmore. (runs away crying)


(Daria and Jane are walking back from school)

Daria - This college waiting game sucks, although it does provide the unexpected benefit of taking my mind off of every other aspect of my life.

Jane - I know the feeling. Well, I did know the feeling. Or, at least, kind of knew the feeling.

Daria - Wait, you heard from BFAC?

Jane - Um, no.

Daria - When do you send in your portfolio?

Jane - See, the thing is, Daria, after much thought and consideration, I decided not to bother. I don't need college to be an artist. Oh, look! Someone drove into the Munson's pool again.

Daria - You what?

Jane - Now, Daria. I've talked this over with Trent...

Daria - Oh, now I'm reassured.

Jane - It's not completely my choice. I got rejected by Lawndale State and State University. And I filled in the little lines so neatly, too.

Daria - Oh, sorry. But, you said yourself their art teachers couldn't even draw Spunky.

Jane - Exactly, and if college is about placing your fate in the hands of such untalented dopes, it just seems like a colossal waste of time. Besides, you know me, I gotta be footloose.

Daria - The phrase you're looking for is screw loose. You can't let two rejections from places you don't even want to go make you afraid to try again.

Jane - You know, Daria, not everyone goes to college. In fact, get past the Sloane-esque snobbery, and you'll realize there are a lot of really successful people with mere high school diplomas, or no diplomas at all.

Daria - I'm not saying everyone has to go to college. I'm saying old footloose Jane Lane doesn't know all there is to know yet about art or anything else, and may be making an ill-advised decision to end her education based on temporary, if admittedly justified, disappointment.

Jane - Daria, you're so predictable. I knew you were going to try to talk me out of this.

Daria - Is that why you brought it up?

Jane - Look, Dr. Freud, I appreciate your concern and all, but our 45 minutes are up. See you later.

(they arrive at Morgendorffer front door; Jane continues walking)

Daria - "Sloane-esque snobbery?"

(Daria then notices a large stack of mail waiting in front of the door)


(Daria enters carrying mail)

Daria - Envelope big and thick: good.

Daria - (sits on sofa and reads letter from large envelope) "Welcome to Raft." Great, one down.

(Daria picks up a small envelope from Bromwell).

Daria - Envelope small and thin: not good. (Opens envelope and reads letter) "Thank you for your interest in Bromwell... record number of qualified applicants..." Waiting list! "This year's list is exceptionally long due to the high volume of..." Well, I guess that's settled.

(Helen enters)

Helen - Daria, is everything all right?

Daria - I got into Raft.

Helen - You did? Congratulations!

Daria - Don't put on your party hat just yet. I've been wait-listed at Bromwell.

Helen - Oh. Daria, I'm sorry. Although Bromwell's still not out of the question.

Daria - You're right. The entire incoming class could still be stricken with a crippling disease, moving me up a couple of notches on the waiting list.

Helen - Honey, I know you're disappointed, but Raft is a great university, and it's smaller the Bromwell so you'll probably get more individual attention.

Daria - Says the woman who thinks Bromwell is a magic carpet ride to success. Don't patronize me.

Helen - Don't patronize me, Daria. I haven't changed my opinion of Bromwell, but I haven't changed my opinion of Raft, either. It's a wonderful school.

Daria - It's just not the wonderful school. (Daria leaves the living room)


Bartender - One Mai Tai. Don't remember the last time I made one of these, much less tasted one.

O'Neill - Really? They're very refreshing, quite citrusy.

Bartender - Yeah, that's what our customers come in for, the citrus.

(DeMartino taps O'Neill's shoulder)

O'Neill - Anthony?

DeMartino - Timothy, forgive me if my actions are presumptuous, but I cannot stand idly by when a colleague and friend teeters on the precipice of unimaginable misery.

O'Neill - Oh, really? It's very refreshing. The citrus adds a tang...

DeMartino - I'm talking about your espousal to the she-devil who walks among us!

O'Neill - Umm... huh?

DeMartino - You... Barch... Engaged!

O'Neill - Eep! You sent me the card! But, how did you know?

Bartender - What'll it be, bub?

DeMartino - I'll have the same, whatever it is.

O'Neill - We're keeping our engagement a secret because of Ms. Li's rule about faculty fraternization.

DeMartino - The one school regulation I heartily agree with. But, I happened to overhear your proposal, or lack thereof, and Timothy, I cannot be silent! I'm going to help you, help you be strong, help you stand up for yourself, help you take back the night!

O'Neill - You'd do that for me? Oh, Anthony, I felt so scared, so alone. (starts crying) You're my best friend in the whole world.

DeMartino - Now, now, Timothy, there's no need for that. You'd do the same for me. Oh, God, I'm getting dewy-eyed. (starts crying)

(O'Neill and DeMartino cry on each other's shoulder; the bartender tastes one of the cocktails)


(phone rings)

Daria - Hello?

Tom (OS on phone) - Hey, Daria.

Daria - Hi.

(split screen with Daria on the right)

Tom - What's the matter?

Daria - I can't do a thing with my hair. Oh, and I've been wait-listed at Bromwell.

Tom - Wait-listed? Nobody gets in from the wait-list.

Daria - Stop being so diplomatic, would you?

Tom - God, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to blurt that out. I'm just shocked.

Daria - I did get accepted to Raft.

Tom - I can't believe it. I was sure you'd get in.

Daria - Did I mention that I was accepted at Raft?

Tom - Yeah. I mean, that's good.

Daria - Try to control your enthusiasm.

Tom - I said that's good. Raft's a really good school.

Daria - Hmm, what about you? You hear anything? (Tom doesn't answer) You got into Bromwell.

Tom - That's sort of why I was calling.

Daria - Well, surprise of surprises. A Sloane at Bromwell.

Tom - Hey, come on, Daria. It wasn't a sure thing.

Daria - Your uncle built them a wing. The only thing that might have kept you out of Bromwell is a murder conviction, and even then, only if you'd killed the Dean of Students.

Tom - Hey, it's not my fault you had a shaky interview.

Daria - Yes, well, nothing like dropping a few ancestor anecdotes to convince them of your qualifications. I got into Raft without any interview at all.

Tom - I'm not gonna touch that one.

Daria - What are you saying? I got in because they didn't meet me? Screw you! (slams phone down)


(Quinn and Lindy walk down aisle and find seats)

Lindy - Quinn, I'm so glad you wanted to see A Kiss Before Heaven. I can't help myself; I'm a sucker for those tear-jerkers.

Quinn - Are you kidding? I love hospital room movies. And I hate seeing them with guys. They always get mad because nothing blows up.

Lindy - Guys love explosions, and rocket attacks, and death rays. They don't understand how much more fun it is to watch someone die slowly.

Quinn - I know!

(Lindy and Quinn laugh)

(Lindy takes top off of drink cup, removes a flask from inside her jacket, and pours the contents into the cup; she offers the flask to Quinn, who refuses)


(Daria is seated on her bed when Helen enters)

Helen - Daria, can we finish our conversation?

Daria - Tom got into Bromwell. So you see, they're not rejecting everyone.

Helen - Oh, well, some people have a certain... edge over the rest of us.

Daria - You don't say. (sighs) Look, I didn't mean to snap at you, but you're the one who told me about the advantages of a Bromwell education.

Helen - That doesn't mean Raft...

Daria - I didn't get into the school that I wanted, and you wanted for me. What am I supposed to think about my prospects?

Helen - Your prospects? Daria, you'll be going to your second choice college, not prison. Look at me: I went to Middleton. It's not half the school that Raft is.

Daria - What?

Helen - Middleton's not half the school that Raft is, as you know damned well. I applied to college during the height of the baby boom. Competition was so fierce I got rejected from my first and second choices. And, see, I lived to tell about it.

Daria - Hmm.

Helen - I made the most of the education I did get, and so will you. Raft is an excellent school. You should be very proud. I know I am.

Daria - Um, Dad seems to think Middleton's hot stuff.

Helen - Your father needs to maintain certain illusions about his youth in order to function. It's... (forced laugh) ...cute.

Daria - I hope I don't end up the same way.

Helen - Daria, you're destined for great things no matter where you go to school. I know it.

Daria - Hmmm. All right, then. I suppose I can stop worrying about getting into college and start worrying about this disgusting elitism I have managed to develop during the process.

Helen - Good. That'll keep you from worrying about what kind of weirdo you'll get for a roommate.

(Daria groans)


(Quinn and Lindy exit the theater)

Lindy (slurred speech) - Quinn, didn't you love that movie? It was so sad when Eleanor died.

Quinn - Um, Eleanor didn't die. Her sister Eileen did.

Lindy - Oh, right. Eileen. What should we do now? Wanna to go clubbing?

Quinn - Um, thanks, but I'm still in high school. You know, underaged.

Lindy - Oh, yeah. That sucks.

(Lindy stumbles stepping off curb and unsteadily recovers)

Lindy - Well, look, it's so nice out, let's just pick up some wine and hang out in the park.

Quinn - Umm, Lindy, are you sure you want more to drink? It's getting kind of late.

Lindy - That's what the morning's for. Sleep. Now, where is my car?

Quinn - Lindy, maybe you shouldn't drive. Come on, I'll call us both a cab. (gets cellphone from her purse)

Lindy - Put that away. Hey, movie pal, you're acting like I'm drunk.

Quinn - Well, you do seem a little... you know, tipsy.

Lindy - Just happy. Now, let's find my car.

Quinn - Lindy, I'm serious. I really don't know if you should drive.

Lindy - Relax. I drive like this all the time.

Quinn - Really?

(Upchuck enters)

Upchuck - Well, well, if it isn't Miss Morgendorffer the Younger. And who is your comely companion?

(Lindy laughs)

Quinn - Upchuck, don't get any ideas or anything, but I need a ride home.

Lindy - No, you don't.

Upchuck - Do my ears deceive me? A delectable damsel in distress reaching out to Senõr Suavicito in her hour of need?

Quinn - Lindy, it's no big deal, he just lives around the corner from me, that's all. In fact, why don't you come, too? We can pick up your car tomorrow. Do you mind driving my friend home, Upchuck?

(Upchuck growls suggestively)

Lindy - Quinn, the night is so young. I think I'm gonna hit a couple of clubs after all. See you tomorrow. (leaves)

Quinn - Lindy, come on, we'll drive you to the clubs! Lindy!

Upchuck - I don't understand the charade about being neighbors, my lissome enchantress, but it concerns me not. Come, allow me to escort you to my... chariot.

Quinn - Get away from me, you creep. (dials number on portable phone) Hello, Cabs 'n Stuff?


(Daria is sitting on her bed, reading a book, when the phone rings)

Daria - Hello?

(split screen with Tom)

Tom - That crack I made was stupid and completely out of line.

Daria - Thank you for the bulletin, but I already knew that.

Tom - Forgive me?

Daria - What's in it for me?

Tom - As a matter of fact, I've got an answer for that. Let's say, for the sake of argument, that my family connections at Bromwell did help me get in. I'm sure that my parents would be happy to write a letter of recommendation for you. What do you say?

Daria - Yes, Virginia, there really is such a thing as noblesse oblige. Thanks, but I'll pass. I'd rather get in on my own merits, and besides, I think I'm gonna like Raft just fine.

Tom - You sure?

Daria - Yeah, but thanks.


(Andrew is pacing up and down)

Secretary (OS) - Your eight o'clock is here.

Andrew - (stops pacing) Send him in.

(Mack enters office)

Andrew - Come in, Mack. Have a seat, and congratulations about Vance.

Mack - Thank you. Thanks for squeezing me in before school.

Andrew - No problem, no problem. You said on the phone you wanted to talk about Jodie?

Mack - Yeah.

Andrew - You're not gonna ask me for her hand in marriage, are you? Because I'm too young to be a grandfather, Mack, you understand?

Mack - Grandfather? Ummm, no, Mr. Landon, it's nothing like that.

Andrew - Thank you, God! I mean... of course not. So, how can I help you?

Mack - I hope you don't think I'm out of line, but Jodie's been acting really unhappy lately, and I think it's because of Crestmore.

Andrew - Impossible! We had a long talk about it and she's really looking forward to going.

Mack - With all due respect, sir, I don't believe that's true. She's been putting a lot of pressure on herself for a long time. I think she really needs a different kind of environment. Like Turner.

Andrew - (brief laugh) How is she gonna go to Turner? She didn't even apply. (pause) What do you mean, acting uphappy?

Mack - Quiet, distracted, crying. (pause) You're not going to be a grandfather.

Andrew - Look, Michael, we all think we know what we want when we're young. If Jodie passes on Crestmore, she'll end up regretting it for the rest of her life. Besides, Crestmore is a lot closer to Vance than Turner is. Better for you, if you want to see each other.

Mack - We won't see each other if Jodie has a breakdown and drops out of school.

Andrew - Then it's a good thing breakdowns aren't allowed in our family. Anyway, if she really wanted to go to Turner, she'd have applied there.

Mack - She did. She got in.

Andrew - What?

Mack - She got in. She's afraid to tell you.

(Andrew just stands there; he couldn't look more shocked if he'd just been told that tax cuts were being outlawed)


(Daria and Jane are sitting in a booth)

Jane - Well, that was nice of Tom to offer to get his folks to write to Bromwell.

Daria - It's just that the whole thing smacks of some crappy romance novel where the troubled young viscount decides the lowly stable girl is good enough for him after all.

Jane - I always saw you as more of a scullery maid.

Daria - And why should the Sloane's seal of approval matter more to Bromwell than my transcripts?

Jane - "Dear Dean Skippy, please admit Daria. She's a fine young woman, even if she isn't one of us."

Daria - Exactly. Besides, if they write a recommendation, it'll just make it that much worse when I do get that ultimate rejection.

Jane - You are very wise for a humble laundress, and generous, too. How come you bought the pizza?

Daria - To make you feel too guilty to storm off in a huff when I ask if you've sent your portfolio in to BFAC yet.

Jane - Why bother? It's too late.

Daria - Not for mid-year enrollment.

Jane - Daria, I already told you. I'm just not the college type.

(cut to Kevin and Brittany; Brittany sits in a booth as Kevin arrives, bearing a very large pizza)

Brittany - Oooh, a cheeseless bell pepper pizza! And you don't even like cheeseless.

Kevin - Hey! Nothing but the best for my babe!

Brittany - Gee, Kevvie, I can't believe how nice you've been lately.

Kevin - Well, heck! You're my babe!

Brittany - I just love bell peppers. You can almost hear them ringing.

Kevin - Hey, Brit, even if you're gone away to Great Prairie State next year, you'll still be my babe, right? I mean, no matter where I go? Right?

Brittany - Um, sure. Why do you ask?

Kevin - I just wanted to see how deep is your love, babe. (takes a slice of pizza) Hey, and speaking of deep, watch this! (stuffs folded slice in his mouth) I'm a clown, I'm a clown, I'm a... (spits slice out) Funny, huh babe?

(Brittany sighs)

(back to Daria and Jane)

Jane - I couldn't paint anything decent with that application hanging over my head, anyway. Believe me, that portfolio would never have gotten me into BFAC. (laughs) Que ironico, the minute the pressure was off, I started doing some really interesting stuff again.

Daria - So it's the old "reject them before they reject me."

Jane - Yeah, the same thing you're doing with Bromwell.

Daria - I was already rejected by Bromwell.

Jane - So was I. By State U and Lawndale State.

Daria - But you told me you don't care what their sucky art departments thought of your work.

Jane - Really. They're so sucky they didn't even ask to see it.

Daria - What?

Jane - They didn't ask to see any of my stuff, so I didn't send any.

Daria - Wait. You get rejected by schools that don't care if you have artistic talent, but the one that does care, you decide not to go for?

Jane - For the same reason you're not gonna let the Sloanes write a letter that might get you into Bromwell, even though you wouldn't have to lift a finger. Rejection sucks. You said so yourself.

Daria - I'll make you a deal. If I prostrate myself before the Sloanes and ask them for that letter, will you finish your portfolio and send it to BFAC?

Jane - God, Daria! You must really think I have a shot.

Daria - And all I had to do to convince you was offer myself up for a round of thoroughly gratuitous humiliation.

Jane - Well, I guess I wouldn't be much of a friend if I deprived you of that. You drive a hard bargain, Morgendorffer, but you've got yourself a deal.


(Daria picks up her phone and dials the Sloane's number)

Tom (OS) - Hello?

Daria - Hey. You know that letter we talked about?

(split screen with Tom)

Tom - You mean the one you wanted my parents to write?

Daria - The one you offered to have them write. Well, I guess it couldn't hurt.

Tom - Great. I knew you'd come around.

Daria - Then you know me better than I know myself.

Tom - I'll ask my parents right now. I'm sure they do this kind of things all the time.

Daria - Oh, good. Then they can just send out the form letter.

Tom - Right... the good form letter. Let me catch them before they go out. Call me later?

Daria - Sure. Um, thanks.

(Tom hangs up)

Daria - Damn.


(Jane is putting sheets of 35mm slides into an envelope when Trent enters)

Jane - Yo, Trent! You're just in time to run me down to Package-Air. I want to get my portfolio off to BFAC.

Trent - Whoa. I thought you weren't going to college.

Jane - I changed my mind, although first, I kind of have to get them to take me.

Trent - What about focusing on your art?

Jane - See, I can do that at Boston Fine Arts College. That's why they put in the word "arts." Come on, let's go.

Trent - I don't know. I have to get used to this whole selling out thing first.

Jane - Trent, I'm not selling out. I'm attempting to acquire the skills and knowledge that will allow me to sell out. Now, are you gonna give me a ride, or do I have to throw fear into the hearts of pedestrians by myself?

(Trent holds out his car keys)

Jane - Huh. See you later. (leaves)

Trent - Yeah... later.


(Jodie is lying on her bed, looking miserable, when her parents enter the room)

Michele - Hi, Jodie. What are you doing?

Jodie - Do you need me something? I'll get up. (sits up)

Andrew - We just want to talk to you. About Mack.

Jodie - What about him?

Andrew - He came to see me at my office.

Jodie - What? Without telling me? Why?

Michele - He's got quite an imagination. He seems to think you want to go to Turner so much you applied there behind our backs.

(Jodie's mouth drops open in shock)


(Stacy is in the kitchen, holding a bottle and reading instructions)

Stacy - "Curse Begone. For the reversal and elimination of curses, spells and incantations. No animals were harmed to make this product, other than the ones we sacrificed." Boy, I hope this stuff works, or Sandi will never talk to me again. Actually, she'll never talk to anyone again. (laughs) That's not funny, Stacy!

(cut to Stacy's bedroom, where Sandi and Tiffany are sitting; Stacy enters bearing a tray with sodas; Sandi points to her wristwatch)

Stacy - Sandi, I'm so sorry it took me so long, but I wanted to make sure the ice in your soda was crushed enough because I know how you hate big or even medium chunks of ice. You know, my Mom says soda rots your teeth, but if it were really true, wouldn't you see a lot more people in high school with dentures or no teeth at all, just tiny little stubs?

Tiffany - Stacy. Eww...

Stacy - Sorry. So, how are the sodas? I mean, not that they shouldn't be okay.

Tiffany - (coughs) Ewww. What's in this?

Stacy - Oh, no! I must have given you the one with the potion.

(Tiffany coughs and grabs her throat)

(Sandi writes in her notepad, and show it to Stacy; on it is written "WHAT?")

Stacy - Oh, Sandi, I am so sorry. See, when I was blowing out my birthday candles, I accidentally wished you'd be, well, quiet, and then you lost your voice and I was afraid to tell you so I got this curse undoer stuff over the Internet and I guess I used too much because I really wanted you to be cured, and then Tiffany got it by mistake and I am so sorry!

(Tiffany is still coughing; Sandi writes "SABOTEUR!" on her notepad and shows it to Stacy)

Stacy - No, Sandi, I swear! I didn't try to kill you! See, it's only Cayenne pepper, cooking oil, and some big long name. Sandi, you know I would never hurt anybody, especially not you. I mean, I really, really care about people. Please, I'll do anything to make it up to you! Just tell me what to do.


(Jake and Helen are sitting on the sofas; Jake is going through the mail, while Helen reads some legal brief)

Jake - Now, here is my kind of credit card bill. No Cashman's, no Doo Dads, just a single two-hundred dollar charge to Bulk Cat Food dot com. Cat food? This isn't our address... this isn't my name! Damn idiot mailman!

Helen - Jake, settle down! (looks over the mail) Hmmm, from Bromwell. Daria, look what just came in.

Daria - Either that's a rejection, or they printed the registration forms on microfilm. (opens envelope)

Helen - Now, don't jump to any conclusions.

Daria - (reads letter) Well, the freshman class is full. I won't be going to Bromwell.

Helen - Oh, honey.

Jake - That sucks, Daria! Passing on a smart kid like you! They're idiots!

Daria - You know what? I'm not even sorry.

Helen - You have nothing to be sorry about.

Jake - Stuffy arrogant... (snooty voice) "Oh, look at us, we're Bromwell!" (normal voice) But listen, Middleton is a very good school. Well, a pretty good school. Well, anyway it was good enough for your mother and me.

Helen - Jake...

Daria - Um, Dad... about Middleton... I didn't apply there.

Jake - You didn't? So... you're going ahead with this crazy notion about military school?

Daria - Military school?

Helen - Jake! What are you talking about? Daria is going to Raft.

Jake - Raft? You mean, no barracks? No buzzcut? No inspection time? Latrine duty? Training marches at 0600 hours?

Daria - Hmmm, if Raft has those things, it was pretty crafty of the brochure just to show kids on the quad hanging out and throwing frisbees.

Jake - Oh, thank God! My daughter, going to college instead of a military academy. Hey, Raft is a damned good school. Daria, you won't be sorry you did this. There'll always be time for the army later!

(Jake hugs Daria)

Daria (to Helen) - You'll understand when I don't invite my roommate home for Thanksgiving, right?


(Lindy is at the welcome desk)

Lady - Look! You crossed my name off without even calling me! See?

Lindy - (irritated) Just relax, okay?

(Quinn approaches and quickly assesses the situation)

Quinn - Excuse me, ma'am. We have a table for you right here. (She leads the lady and her guest away)

(new couple walks up)

Newly Arrived Man - How long is the wait for two?

Shawna - Table twenty-one is ready.

Lindy (to newly arrived couple) - I'll seat you right now.

(various customers grumble and protest as Michael approaches)

Michael - I'm sorry. Is there a problem here?

Lady #2 - That hostess seated those people who just came in, and we've been waiting forty minutes.

Michael - My apologies. Let me see what I can do, and dessert's on me.

(Michael checks the reservation book, and notices a cup under the desk)

Michael - Hmm.

(on closer inspection, the cup, bearing a pink lipstick mark, contains some orange liquid; he takes a small taste, and frowns when he discovers it's an alcoholic beverage)

Michael (to customers) - Folks, we've been holding a table for six we can split up. Please, come with me and I'll get you settled right away. (to Lindy and Quinn, who've just come back to the welcome desk) Then the three of us are gonna have a little talk.

Quinn (to Lindy) - What's that about?

Lindy - Oh, Quinn, I'd never thought he'd find it there.

Quinn - Find what?

Lindy - My screwdriver.

Quinn - Lindy! You've been drinking?!

Lindy - Just a little hair of the dog. I wouldn't have done it except I'm really hung over.

Quinn - But we're at work!

Lindy - I know. Damn, damn, damn! Quinn, listen to me. Normally, I would never, ever ask you to do something like this, but I'm in college, I'm broke, I really need this job. Maybe if we said we think one of the bus boys left it there or something?

Quinn - But then, won't they get in trouble?

Michael - Ladies, Shawna's gonna man your post for a while. Come with me.

(Lindy looks mortified, Quinn looks sad)

(cut to Michael's office)

Michael - Okay, I want to know whose cup this is. Quinn?

Quinn - Umm, it's not mine.

Lindy - We don't know whose it is.

Michael - Then explain to me why this smudge here matches your lipstick.

Lindy - That could be anybody's lipstick!

Michael - Not really.

Lindy - For instance, Quinn asked me if she could try my lipstick... not that I'm saying it's hers, of course...

Quinn - (profoundly disappointed) Oh, Lindy...

Michael - (not buying it for a second) Come on, Lindy.

Lindy - Please, Michael, I've never done anything like this before, I swear. I don't even like to drink. It's just I have this migraine...

Michael - I'm gonna have to let you go.


(Daria and Tom are sitting in a booth)

Tom - Damn! You know what I've just realized?

Daria - The phrase "chicken fingers" is misleading ?

Tom - Besides that. We forgot to check out the pizza in Newtown.

Daria - Oh. Well, I guess you'll just have to send mine Package-Air to Boston.

Tom - Won't that be a little messy? (pause) Oh, Daria! No!

Daria - Yep. It's official. The gods have spoken. I didn't get into Bromwell.

Tom - I'm really sorry. And after my parents wrote such a glowing recommendation, too.

Daria - Shocking, isn't it? I'm such a loser, even a nod from the Sloanes couldn't help me.

Tom - That's not what I meant.

Daria - Good. Because I'm not a loser, and even if I didn't go to the right prep school, or pull the right strings, or donate a wing...

Tom - It was my uncle!

Daria - Listen. You're a smart guy and a good student. I'm sure you deserve to get into Bromwell, and I wish you every success there.

Tom - Well, that's a nice thing to say, even if that Daria voice of yours makes it sound like a kiss off... wait...

Daria - I think we should break up.

Tom - What? When did you decide this?

Daria - Just now.

Tom - Because I got into Bromwell and you didn't? That's not fair, Daria.

Daria - It's got nothing to do with Bromwell, although if I were you, I wouldn't use the word "fair" in any discussion of what happened there.

Tom - Well, if it's not about Bromwell, then what? Why?

Daria - Because you're going one place and I'm going another.

Tom - So what? We won't be that far away.

Daria - I don't mean physically. I mean you're from one place and I'm from another, and college is going to make it even more obvious.

Tom - I don't believe that.

Daria - Tom... we have little enough in common as it is. Now we won't see each other for months at a time, and every time we do, it'll be more difficult to pick up where we left off.

Tom - Not if we work at it.

Daria - Why should we work at it when we are already getting bored?

Tom - Who's bored? I'm not bored.

Daria - Really? Or are you just upset that I admitted it first?

(Tom doesn't answer and looks downcast; he realizes she's absolutely correct)

Daria - You'll get over it. We both will.

(Jane arrives with pizza and soda)

Jane - Hey, kids! What's new?

(Daria and Tom look at her, both completely downcast)

Jane - Oops, sorry. Wrong table. (leaves quickly)


(Daria is sitting on the sofa, in front of the switched off TV, as Quinn enters)

Quinn - (downcast) Hi.

Daria - Hmm.

Quinn - TV's off.

Daria - Yeah. Want something?

Quinn - No. Just... if you had a friend and you knew she had a problem but she didn't, would you tell her?

Daria - Huh?

Quinn - This girl I was working with... I think she has a drinking problem. If I don't say anything, I'm afraid she'll get an accident or something, but if I do say something, she'll probably never speak to me again. Not that she is now.

Daria - I don't really feel qualified to give any advice on interpersonal relationships today.

Quinn - Why not?

Daria - I just broke up with my boyfriend. It's kind of a first for me. So's this feeling in my stomach like it's been through a paper shedder.

Quinn - You broke up with Tom?

Daria - You sound almost surprised as I was.

Quinn - Why?

Daria - Because I felt we'd come to the end of our relationship, for a bunch of reasons, and we should both move on.

Quinn - So you said that to him, just like that? You didn't want to wait so you'd have someone to go out with for the summer?

Daria - No, although I'm sure Tom would have been very flattered at being asked to play the role of warm body.

Quinn - You don't tell him, Daria.

Daria - For some reason, I continue to opt for honesty, despite mounting evidence that it's inexorably transforming me into an old woman alone in a one room apartment filled with thirty year old newspapers and cats.

Quinn - Oh, Daria, that's not gonna happen to you. I was at a college party. I know what goes on there. People are smart and nice.

Daria - So it's the opposite of high school?

Quinn - You're gonna have friends and everything. I know it sounds hard to believe.

Daria - Gee, thanks. But, um, thanks.

Quinn - You were right to be honest. That's what I'm gonna do.

Daria - Good. You can help me feed the cats.

(doorbell rings; Daria opens the door, and Jane enters)

Jane - Daria, your face at the pizza place. Your face now... did that bastard dump you? I was always afraid he'd do that!

Daria - No, I dumped him.

Jane - You dumped... you're the bastard? Whoa.

Daria - Yes, I'm the bastard, and the bastard is hurting like hell.


(Lindy is working at her computer when the doorbell rings; it's Quinn)

Lindy - Oh, hi. I didn't think I'd ever see you again.

Quinn - Why not? We're friends, right?

Lindy - I mean, that was a really crappy thing I said about you borrowing my lipstick. I can't believe I did it. I was desperate.

Quinn - I know.

Lindy - It was, like, the worst thing I've ever done in my life, and I'm really sorry.

Quinn - Lindy, I know I'm only in high school and I'm not really used to be around people who drink except for my father, but that's only when he's really mad and talking about military school and even then... and okay, my mother had a few too many at this wedding, but if you knew my aunt Rita, and I think you have a drinking problem.

Lindy - (small dismissive laugh) All right, I hurt you, you hurt me, fair enough.

Quinn - I'm not trying to hurt you, Lindy. You really need to think about your drinking.

Lindy - Quinn, I'm in college. Everybody drinks. If I had a problem, it would be affecting my schoolwork or personal life, wouldn't it?

Quinn - But you got fired because of it!

Lindy - I got fired because Michael's a jerk. And guess what? I already found another job.

Quinn - But you just said that what happened in Michael's office was the worst thing you ever did in your life. Doesn't that mean it's affecting you?

Lindy - That was out of panic, and now with your nasty little accusations, you've gotten me back for. Which is what I guess you came over in the first place. So, we're even, okay? So goodbye.

Quinn - Goodbye?

Lindy - I've got a paper due tomorrow and I've got a lot of writing left to go. You noticed I said writing, not drinking. You'll noticed I've a got a book opened, not a bottle (goes to the door and opens it) And now the door's open, too.

(Quinn exits, looking miserable; Lindy closes the door and goes to the fridge, where she contradicts everything she just said by grabbing a can of beer)


(Tom, lying on his bed, picks up the phone and calls Daria)

(split screen between Tom, lying on his bed, and Daria, also lying on her bed)

Daria - Hello?

(Tom says nothing, and after a moment, switches the phone off)

(full screen on Daria sighing and switching her phone off)


(Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie are walking down the hallway)

Jeffy - All right! Last day of school. No more classes.

Jamie - Or homework!

Joey - Or those things with the pages!

Jeffy - Books?

Joey - Yeah, that's it.

(they pass in front of Mack at his locker; camera stays on Mack as Jodie enters)

Jodie - I want to talk to you. Alone.

(cut to O'Neill's classroom)

Mack - Okay. Obviously, you found out that I went to see your father.

Jodie - And told him what I confided in you.

Mack - Look, I was just trying to help.

Jodie - Yeah? Well, as a result of your butting in... I'm going to Turner! I'm going to Turner!

Mack - You are? That's great!

Jodie - My parents said that if I was so upset about Crestmore that I applied to Turner behind their backs, they had to respect my feelings. They told me I'd earned the right to be treated like an adult.

Mack - Your father really said that?

Jodie - Well, my mother said it, and then kind of glared at him, and sort of elbowed him, and then finally he nodded. But, he did smile.

Mack - I knew you'd work it out.

Jodie - I wouldn't have worked it out without you. Did I ever tell you how lucky I am to have you?

(Jodie and Mack kiss; they separate as Ms. Barch barges into the classroom)

Barch - Jodie! Mack! Have you seen Mr. O'Neill?

Mack - Nope, haven't seen him.

Barch - Oh sure. All you males stick together!

(cut to Lawndale High School parking lot; Kevin and Brittany are walking)

Brittany - Kevvie, do you want to go to the place we have to go to get the cap and gown with me?

Kevin - Mmmm, nah! But, you go ahead.

Brittany - Why? Did you already get yours?

Kevin - Um, Brit... remember when you said you'd still be my babe, no matter where I went to school?

Brittany - Umm... I think so.

Kevin - But you will, right?

Brittany - Sure! Where are you going?

Kevin (points to Lawndale High School) - Right here, babe!

Brittany - Huh?

Kevin - Right here. Lawndale High. See, um, my grades were so good, they want to see if I can do it again.

Brittany - Ohhh. Wait a minute... your grades aren't good... Kevvie, you flunked!

Kevin - No, no, no! I just, um, didn't pass. But, see, if I repeat this year, then my grades will be really good. Mr. O'Neill says I can go away to any college in the country!

Brittany - Really?

Kevin - Or did he say some college way out in the country? Anyway, we're still, like, boyfriend and girlfriend, right? (takes Brittany's hand)

Brittany (puts her other hand behind her back) - Ummm, sure.

(they kiss; behind her back, Brittany has crossed her fingers)

(Ms. Barch walks up and they move apart)

Barch - Brittany! Stop letting Kevin debase you and tell me where Mr. O'Neill is.

Brittany - But Ms. Barch, he didn't touch my base!

(cut to DeMartino's classroom)

DeMartino - Timothy, you've got to be firm. Now, repeat after me: "Barch, it'll be a cold day in hell before I kiss my common sense and will to live goodbye, and enter the bonds of unholy matrimony with such a shrew!" (turns to O'Neill) Now, you!

O'Neill - Um, Janet, it'll be a chilly day in Hades...

DeMartino - LOUDER!

O'Neill - Uh, Janet...

Barch (OS) - There you are. (enters classroom) If I didn't know better, I'd swear you were hiding from me!

O'Neill - Oh. Me? Hiding? (small laugh)

DeMartino - Madam? Timothy has something he'd like to say to you! Don't you, Timothy?

Barch - Well, what is it? And make it snappy, Skinny, we have to go pick our honeymoon cruise wear.

O'Neill - Um, Janet, about the wedding, well, um, you see...

DeMartino - There's not gonna be a wedding, so you can dig your talons into the flesh of some other prey!

Barch - WHAT?

DeMartino - You heard him.

O'Neill - Uh, you see, Janet, It's not that you wouldn't make a very desirable life partner...

Barch - All right then, Mr. Gigolo, you hear this: if there's no wedding, then that's it. It's over, buster. We will never play farmwife and National Geographic photographer again.

DeMartino - Timothy?

O'Neill - As you wish.

Barch - Aargh!

DeMartino - (slaps O'Neill on the back) Congratulations! You stood up to her like a man!

Barch - Exactly! (goes to punch O'Neill, who's sobbing in his hands, and ends up punching DeMartino)

DeMartino - Ow! My good eye! Aaaaaah!

(cut to Lawndale High School hallway; as the last bell rings, students pour out of classrooms, shouting and throwing papers)


Quinn (on phone) - Stacy, of course Sandi didn't say anything about being mad at you. She can't talk, remember?

(doorbell rings)

Quinn - No, she didn't say anything in sign language.

(Quinn opens the door to reveal Lindy)

Quinn (on phone) - Stacy, I've got to call you back. (hangs up) Um, hi, Lindy. Come in! How are you?

Lindy - I'm just fine, really great. Um, I forgot to give this to you when you came over the other day.

(Lindy hands Quinn one of her hand-made mirrors, this one decorated with tiles in various shades of pink and red)

Quinn - Lindy! The mirror; it's beautiful!

Lindy - You really like it?

Quinn - I love it! Thank you!

Lindy - Um, listen, about our conversation. Maybe every now and then I do go a little overboard when I drink, but that doesn't mean I've got a problem. Believe me, I you'd had my mother, you know how the real problem looks like.

Quinn - Oh.

Lindy - You know how I'm sure I can handle it? Whenever I think I'm drinking too much, I stop for a week, just to prove to myself that I can.

Quinn - Really?

Lindy - Yeah. I do it all the time. So you see?

Quinn - (slightly skeptical) Yeah, that's great, Lindy.

Lindy - Anyway, I'm glad you like the mirror.

Quinn - It's beautiful.

Lindy - Thanks. I'll see you around.

Quinn - Um, Lindy? Do you want to go to a movie or something?

Lindy - I can't today, but I'll give you a call, okay?

Quinn - Okay, sure.


(Jane is at her easel, painting, as Trent enters the room)

Trent - Hey.

Jane - Wow, you're talking to a sellout like me?

Trent - About that...

Jane - Yes?

Trent - I don't really think you're a sellout.

Jane - Well, that's not exactly an apology, but you know what they say about beggars.

Trent - That they only spend it on booze?

Jane - Never mind.

Trent - Um, Janey?

Jane - Um, Trent?

Trent - This college thing... I gave it... thought... and, um, I kind of understand if you want to go.

Jane - What I don't get is why you were so against it in the first place.

Trent - I guess I didn't want you to go because... well... you would be there...

Jane - Admirable grasp of the situation.

Trent - ...and I would be here.

Jane - Oh. You're worried about losing me?

Trent - Well, the house gets kind of spooky at night. Maybe I should get a puppy.

Jane - Hey, Trent, do you really think I'm gonna let you slack off being my brother just because of an address change?

Trent - Hmm.

Jane - And if I do end up going to BFAC, think of all the gigs to be had in Boston. Think of all the college girls looking for a dark, mysterious musician to swoon over.

Trent - Jesse?

Jane - You, ya dope! But I hear those dorm floors are a little less sticky than the floor of the Tank, so be prepared to pack accordingly.

Trent - Right. They probably don't shake as much, either.

Jane - Or roll into traffic. Now, listen. My guess is Mom and Dad won't be back from the Azores until monsoon season's over. You want to represent the Lane family at my graduation?

Trent - Hmm. I don't know if I could take it. I didn't even go to my own graduation.

Jane - So you did graduate.

Trent - I'm pretty sure...


(Tom is leaning against his car, looking downcast)

(cut to Morgendorffer living room; Helen is looking out the window, while Jake is reading the newspaper)

Helen - Hmm. What's Tom doing out there? He looks unhappy about something.

Jake - He's probably mad at those stuck-up Bromwell goons, too! Lousy, tea-drinking, pinky-raising...

Helen - Jake! Tom got into Bromwell. Oh!

(Daria walks up to Tom)

Daria - Um, hello.

Tom - Hey, Daria.

Daria - I'm not getting into that car. That's how all this trouble started in the first place.

Tom - Trouble? Is that how you think of our relationship?

Daria - I'm just kidding. What's up?

(cut to Helen)

Helen - Oh, Jake! I think something bad is happening! And she's already had one disappointment. (instantly jumps to wrong conclusion) Oh, no! I was dreading this day!

Jake - Sounds like I should do something! I think I'll go clean the attic! (stands up)

Helen - Jake!

(Jake, looking like a whipped puppy, sits back down)

(back to Daria and Tom)

Tom - Um, I've been thinking a lot about why you said we should break up, and I don't disagree. I just wanted to know: you liked me for a while, right?

Daria - Tom, come on. I still like you. You're a good guy. A little spoiled, a hair smug, a triffle egotistical...

Tom - This isn't going quite the way I hoped.

Daria - ...but a smart, funny guy who's basically very caring and sensitive in the not-pukey way. I'm glad we went out. It was a really good experience.

Tom - You mean that?

Daria - Yeah, of course. What's the matter with you?

Tom - Nothing. It's just... I really look up to you, and your opinion's important to me.

Daria - You look up to me? Huh.

Tom - Do you think next year I could call you from school, and we could compare notes on our lives in a completely nonromantic fashion? You know, like friends?

Daria - Hmm, yeah. Yeah! That's a good idea. Call me. That'll be nice.

Tom - OK. I'm starting to feel a little better. How about you?

Daria - (sees Helen behind the window) I've got one more bed of hot coals to walk through first.

(cut to Morgendorffer living room; Helen and Jake are reading newspapers as Daria enters)

Helen - Daria! Hi! How was the last day of school? Anything new? Can I get you anything? Do you want to lie down?

Daria - I have an announcement to make.

Helen - Oh, God, Daria! It'll be all right, I promise!

Daria - I have broken up with my boyfriend. Yes, it hurts, but it was my idea, and despite the pain I feel, I remain convinced it is for the best. I am looking forward to summer, and, to my amazement, excited about college next year. Now I shall go to my room without taking questions. Ignore any muffled screams you may hear, especially if they're Quinn's. (goes upstairs)

Jake - She and Tom broke up? Just like that? No clues, no warning signs? I'd better go talk to her! This could drive her back to military school! What should I say? Damn it, Helen! Where's our copy of Mr. Spock?

Helen - Jake, your concern is very sweet, but I think she's going to be okay.


(Jane is dragging Daria along by the arm)

Daria - Just tell me what I did to make you drag me to Jodie's graduation party?

Jane - You need a break from the break-up. One more night with those whose stupidity has so tormented and entertained us, lo, these many years. A farewell to dopes!

Daria - You want me to forget about my heavy heart by getting sick to my stomach.

Jane - Doesn't that bring a lump to your throat? Come on, it's just a party.

Daria - Sure, and the Romans said it was just a cat show.

(cut to Upchuck and Andrea in Landon's back yard)

Upchuck - Andrea, my dark-eyed mistress of sweet, sweet pain. Are you, like me, finding this party a bit too... festive? Let us depart for a darker place, where we can explore the melancholia that always accompanies true, unbridled passion!

Andrea - (slightly incredulous) You're hitting on me?

Upchuck - (a bit deflated) Um...

Andrea - Okay.

Upchuck - (squeaks) Really?! (clears throat) I mean, say no more, my raven-haired ravisher!

(Upchuck offers Andrea his arm, which she takes as they walk away)

Jane - Behold, Daria! The group dynamic you crave so much!

Daria - I suppose pulling out a can of mace right now would be considered bad form.

Jodie - Hey, guys. Thanks for coming.

Jane - Well, you know how Daria can't resist a party.

Jodie - No Tom tonight?

Daria - Um, no Tom no more.

Jodie - What? He dumped both of you? I mean...

Jane - Au contraire! Tom was the dumpee!

Jodie - Wow!

Daria - Yes, I terminated the relationship so I could indulge my compulsive need to play the field.

Brittany - Hi, Daria! Hi, Jane! Where's Tom?

Daria - Um, covert mission.

Brittany - Really? I didn't know he was religious.

Kevin - Hey, Daria! Where's that guy you know?

Brittany - He joined a mission!

Kevin - Really? He's going to Mars?

(Daria and Jane look appalled)

(Cut to Quinn, Stacy, Tiffany and the three Js)

Quinn - So, once I paid off my credit card bill, I just quit. My friend was already gone, and I mean, who works in the summer? Puh-lease!

Jamie - You're so good with money, Quinn!

Joey - Could you balance my checkbook?

Jeffy - You've got fiscal smarts!

(Sandi arrives)

Sandi - Well, I see I'm the only one who still believes in arriving fashionably late.

Stacy - Sandi! You got your voice back!

Quinn - That's great, Sandi!

Tiffany - Yeah... great...

Sandi - Stacy, you'll be happy to know I figured how you can almost make it up to me for the physical and emotional anguish you caused. (hands papers to Stacy)

Stacy - You have? Oh, Sandi, thank you! (reads papers) Organize your Waif magazine inventory, ironing any and all wrinkled pages... take over babysitting your brothers all summer... clean your lipstick tubes...

Tiffany - Whoa, Stacy... I pity you.

Stacy - Um, Sandi, I'm really, really sorry about what happened and all, but this seems kind of... unfair. I mean, we don't know if I really made you lose your voice, right? And Tiffany's the one who drank that horrible anti-curse stuff.

Tiffany - Eww... the memory.

Sandi - Are you saying you don't care if you jeopardize your status in the Fashion Club?

Stacy - (after a short pause) Sandi, if this is what it'll take to keep me in the Fashion Club, maybe I'm better off taking a sabbatical like Quinn.

Sandi - Um... fine. But you're missing out, because Quinn is coming back. Right, Quinn?

Quinn - Um, actually, Sandi, the time off was a nice change of pace. I'm thinking of extending my sabbatical.

Sandi - What?

Tiffany - Huh. I think I'll take a sabbatical, too.

(Sandi looks at her three friends, and realizes she's just become a club of one; she scrambles to save face)

Sandi - Well, that is certainly an amusing coincidence, because tonight I was going to announce my sabbatical from the Fashion Club. Yes, I find that your precious club no longer serves my needs as a multi-faceted young woman of today. It's just too confining.

Quinn - Gosh! Does this mean there isn't any more Fashion Club?

Sandi - I guess it's time to move on.

Quinn - It's like the end of an era.

Stacy - I'm gonna miss it.

Tiffany - Me, too.

(the four ex-Fashion Clubbers burst into tears)

Sandi - You want to come over tomorrow and discuss what we'll do with all our new free time?

Quinn - That's a great idea, Sandi!

Stacy - I'll bring some magazines to look at.

Tiffany - I can't wait to brainstorm.

Sandi - Then it's a date.

(the four girls concur)

(cut to Daria and Jane on porch stairs)

Jane - He said he looked up to you?

Daria - Isn't that weird? Flattering, but weird.

Jane - No... I guess I could see where people would value your opinion and take what you say very seriously.

Daria - Really? Where can I meet these people?

Jane - Well, I kind of take what you say seriously.

Daria - What's in that cup?

Jane - That's why, after your constant haranguing and brow-beating, I went ahead and sent my portfolio to BFAC... and got in.

(we're now treated to a rare sight: Daria with a geniune smile)

Daria - Jane Lane! What did you say?

Jane - You. Me. College. Same town. Be ready to have your ass dragged to more parties.

Daria - I knew you could do it. I knew it!

(Jane takes a bow)

Daria - Why the hell didn't you tell me?

Jane - I just found out today. Besides, you know what a drama queen I am. So, what do you say? Make a pledge right now to go up there and get separate boyfriends? (pause) Thanks for talking me into applying. I owe you a huge one.

Daria - You don't owe me anything. Thanks for helping me get through high school.

Jane - Me at BFAC, you at Raft. You think it's true that things happen for a reason?


Daria and Jane - Naah!


(Jodie speaks from podium on a small stage)

Jodie - ... for today we leave the days of our youth behind and begin our journey into adulthood. Many years from now, I'm sure we will look back on our days at Lawndale High with a great fondness, for what once was, and will never be again.

(cut to Daria and Jane, who are seated next to each other amongst the other graduates)

Daria - That last part sounded good.

Jodie - Thank you.

(claps and cheers from the audience as Jodie steps back and Ms. Li comes to the microphone)

Ms Li - Thank you, Jodie Landon, valedictorian of the graduating class of Laaawndale High. And remember, parents, your child doesn't have to be a current student for us to accept your generous donations. And now, people, and now... and now, awards time! We'll do the sports and other good prizes after I get these academic jobbies is out of the way. Now, as you know, at Lawndale High we prefer to reward students for both their scholarship and contribution to student life. But, occasionally, a student does so well in one area that we are forced to recognize him or her despite crippling deficiencies in the other. And so, I give you the winner of this year's Lawndale High School Diane Fossey Award for dazzling academic achievement in the face of near-total misanthropy... Ms. Daria Morgendorffer!

(cut to Daria, blushing and shocked out of her socks)

(Cut to O'Neill and DeMartino behind stage)

O'Neill - Bravo, bravo!

DeMartino - Very good, Daria! You go, girlfriend!

(enter Barch)

O'Neill - Brav... oh!

DeMartino - All right, Timothy! This is it! You've gone this far; you can't turn back now! (leaves)

O'Neill - Anthony! Where are you going?

DeMartino - Sorry, but that right hook is a killer!

O'Neill - Now, Janet, I know you're disappointed...

Barch - No, I'm not! I'm intrigued...

O'Neill - ...but as the poet said, time will heal thy wounded heart in... you're what?

Barch - Intrigued by this alluring new backbone of yours. Where have you been hiding that erogenous chutzpah all these years, you big lug?

O'Neill - Oh, well, I...

(Barch grabs O'Neill and gives him a kiss so strong it nearly sucks the fillings out of his teeth; witnessing this, DeMartino pounds his head on one of the stage supports)

(cut to podium; Daria approaches microphone)

Daria - Um... thank you. I'm not much for public speaking, or much for speaking, or, come to think of it, much for the public. And I'm not very good at lying. So let me just say that, in my experience, high school sucks. If I had to do it all over again, I'd have started advanced placement classes in preschool so I could go from eighth grade straight to college.

(in the stands, Helen and Jake are stricken; Quinn dons sunglasses and a baseball cap)

Daria - However, given the unalterable fact that high school sucks, I'd like to add that if you're lucky enough to have a good friend and a family that cares, it doesn't have to suck quite as much.

(cut to first Jane, then to Helen and Jake, all of whom smile at Daria's words)

Daria - Otherwise, my advice is: stand firm for what you believe in, until and unless logic and experience prove you wrong; remember, when the emperor looks naked, the emperor is naked; the truth and a lie are not "sort of the same thing"; and there's no aspect, no facet, no moment of life that can't be improved with pizza. Thank you.

(claps and cheers from the audience as Daria exits podium; in the stands, Helen and Jake clap as well, and, after looking around, so does Quinn)


(Daria and Jane are in a booth)

Jane - So, dazzling academic achievement, eh? What a sellout.

Daria - I know. And then I had the perfect opportunity to beat Ms. Li senseless with my trophy, and what do I do? Give a heart-warming speech.

Jane - You're getting soft around the edges, Morgendorffer.

Daria - Maybe, or maybe you've got glaucoma.

Jane - To college! I can't wait! What do you think we'll find when we get there?

Daria - Hmm. That the students are shockingly ignorant, the professors self-centered and corrupt, and the entire system geared soley to the pursuit of funding?

Jane - Hmmm, yes. You know that thing I said about you getting soft?

Daria - Yeah?

Jane - I take it back.

(they clink drink cups)

(end credits)