Episode Guide

Life in the Past Lane
Episode #509
Written by Anne D. Bernstein
(Transcript created by Greystar)

(opening theme song)

(Opening shot of Tom, Daria, and Jane walking down a down town street. Banners hanging from the street lights proclaim "Main Street Mania.")

Jane - What ever happened to the big 'Revitalize Downtown Lawndale' plan?

Tom - They spent all the money on flags.

(Tom looks over his shoulder at the digital clock on the front of the Lawndale Bank. It says 4:40)

Tom - Come on. We have to get to the post office before it closes.

Jane - (crosses arms) Ah, new wanted posters go up today?

Daria - No use trying to keep good news secret in this town. Coming?

(Jane looks over her shoulder and sees a young man walking into the stationery store they are standing in front of.)

Jane - Actually, I really need an eraser. (smirks appreciatively) A nice, big, cute one. You guys go on ahead and I'll catch up with you at the pizza place.

(Jane turns and heads into the store while Tom and Daria exchange a look.)

(Cut to wide shot of the Lawndale Mall. Outside the main entrance, Charles "Upchuck" Ruttheimer has a magic booth set up.)

Upchuck - Ladies! Gentlemen! And especially ladies! Ruttheimer the Prestidigitator begs your indulgence! May I show you something that will astound and amaze?

(A small crowd, including Brittany and Kevin quickly gathers as he speaks.)

Kevin - Look, babe! Upchuck's doing magic! Like David Coppertone!

Upchuck - A simple deck of cards. And nothing up my sleeve, unless you don't count my rippling musculature.

Brittany - (tugs on Kevin's arm) Let's go, Kevvy, or Cashman's will be all out of that thingy your going to want to buy me.

(Upchuck shuffles the deck and fans it out on the table.)

Upchuck - Now I'll need some help from the audience to assist me.

(Kevin's hand shoots up)

Kevin - Me! Me! Me!

Upchuck - Hmm. (points at Kevin) Yes, you'll do nicely. Pick a card, any card. Look at it and return it to the deck.

(Kevin does so. There is a quick close up showing that he picked up the Jack of diamonds. Upchuck then reshuffles.)

Kevin - That was awesome!

Upchuck - (flat) We're not done.

Kevin - It was still cool.

Upchuck - (to Brittany) Now, comely miss, if you will. Reach into my shirt pocket--with your teeth--and remove the card that you find there!

Brittany - Um, okay.

(Upchuck growls as she removes the card, then shows it to Kevin.)

Upchuck - Is this your card, sir?

Kevin - Um, I forgot.

Brittany - It did have a guy on it.

Kevin - Oh, right! Hey! You took my card man!

(Crowd applauds, then disperses with the exception of Kevin and Brittany.)

Brittany - Brr! It's like he read your mind. Do you think he can read my mind? 'Cause that stuff I was thinking about Teddy Wazniac doesn't mean I'd actually do that stuff with Teddy Wazni--(sees the dirty look Kevin is giving her )--eep!

(Cut back to the stationery store, where Jane and the man she saw earlier are looking over the merchandise on the front counter. Jane picks up a paint brush and checks the bristles.)

Jane - Wow. This place is so old, even the crayons have expired.

Nathan (checking out an old fountain pen) - It's really orbiting Planet Yesterday, huh? They don't make 'em like they used to.

Jane - I really love this stuff! Photo corners, cloth typewriter ribbons, sealing wax.

Nathan - Oh, look. Carbon paper.

(Both he and Jane reach for the stack at the same time, then look each other in the eyes. They shake hands.)

Nathan - I'm Nathan.

Jane - Jane.

Nathan - You know, I really ought to give this a test scribble before I buy it. Maybe I could write down, say, a phone number?

Jane - How about mine?

(Cut to the pizza place, where Tom, Daria, and Jane are sitting at their usual table. Jane is going on about the guy she just met.)

Jane - And he wares cuff links, and drives one of those big old cars with fins. How great is that?

Daria - Do you think it's a good idea to pick up a perfect stranger while under the influence of ink well fumes? Even if he has come here from prehistoric times.

Jane - Hey, if I didn't have the nerve to pick up guys, you wouldn't have a boyfriend.

Daria - Oh great. I'm not going to have to date this guy now, am I?

Jane & Tom - Hey!

Daria (shrugs) - What'd I say?

Tom - I don't know, I hate the present too, but not enough to ware a zoot suit.

Jane - He doesn't ware a zoot suit. He's a snappy dresser in the classical-elegant sense. Plus, he has impecable manners and a biting whit.

Daria - Oh, so he's--

Jane - And he loves girls!!

Daria - Okay, he's got it all. (looks lat Tom) Not like some guys.

Tom - It's true. If I really cared, I'd dress like a dead man too.

(Jane stands up angrily.)

Jane - Thanks for the encourgement, you two. Maybe sometime you can teach me how to pass judgement on someone I've never met.

Daria - She's going to be dissappointed.

Tom - Yeah. That's not really the kind of thing you can teach.

(Daria rolls her eyes.)

(Cut to Upchuck's booth at the mall, where he is playing The Shell Game with a ping pong ball and three small, red bowls. He puts the ball under beneath the center bowl and begins to rapidly rearrange them.)

Upchuck - I place a ball beneath a cup. With dazzling skill I mix them up.

(Another crowd looks on, this time including DeMartino and O'Neill.)

Upchuck - The ball withdraws like a bashful maid, who runs away when attention's paid. Where, oh where, did my pretty one go? Risk ten bills if you think you know!

DeMartino - Despite your distracting and poorly metered rhyme, my eagle eye tells me that the ball is most certainly underneath that cup! And I've got the ten spot to prove it!

(DeMartino places a bill nest to the cup on Upchuck's left.)

O'Neill - I hate to contradict you, Anthony, but--heh heh heh--it's under that one. (Points to the cup on the right)

Upchuck - Would you like to bet, Mr. O'Neill?

DeMartino - Yeah! I'm not afraid to back up my sporting supposition with cold hard cash!

O'Neill - Well, I suppose I should have the courage of my convictions.

(O'Neill places a bill of his own by the right cup. Upchuck then raises the center cup, revealing the ball.)

DeMartino - Oh no! How could my razor sharp intellect betray me?

O'Neill - In loss there is wisdom.

DeMartino - Go away!

O'Neill - Um, yes.

(The crowd disperses, with the exception of DeMartino as Upchuck comes out from behind his magic booth.)

Upchuck - Thanks for the assistance, Mr. De-plant-ino.

DeMartino - I quite enjoy helping the cretinous hoards learn a valuable lesson about gullibility and trust. Gimme my cut!

(Upchuck hands over a few bills to DeMartino, who then leaves.)

Upchuck - The cash is sweet, but sweeter still, the chance to attract the most luscious of ladies with my mesmerizing stage presence. (looks over his shoulder) Aha! It's working already!

(The Fashion Club walks by the table, on their way to a shopping spree.)

Upchuck - Beauteous maidens, may I show you something that will astound and amaze?

Sandi - Only if it's a disappearing act.

Upchuck - No, a feat of illusion.

Tiffany - Like, contouring your nose to make it look thin?

(Quinn and Stacy look at Tiffany in horror.)

Tiffany - Not me!

Upchuck - Please, spare just a moment to behold my astonishing magic skills!

Sandi - Make it fast, Charles. I don't want to get stuck in the midday cosmetics counter crush.

Upchuck - Observe! (Takes out a ten dollar bill) Genuine U.S. currency! Which I shall now tear into tiny pieces!

(Upchuck proceeds to rip the bill up as the Fashion Club gasps.)

Sandi - That is most certainly illegal!

Upchuck - But wait! Through the commanding force of my virile presence, the bill is magically restored!

(Upchuck reveals that the bill is, indeed, undamaged. The Quinn, Tiffany, and Stacy sigh in relief, but Sandi seems unimpressed.)

Sandi (dryly) - Truly astonishing.

Stacy - But, how'd he do that?

Sandi - Oh, Stacy. You are so naive. He obviously used mirrors or something.

Quinn - Besides, who cares if he can fix a ten. It's not like it was a fifty.

Sandi - Come on. Let's make some real money disappear.

(The other three walk off, chuckling to themselves, but Stacy hangs back for a moment, still trying to figure out Upchuck's trick, then follows.)

Tiffany (o/s) - Good was a one, Sandi.

(Cut to Lawndale High. Jane is closing her locker, but wearing in a yellow dress and heels in place of her usual garb. Daria comes walking up.)

Daria - Hey, stranger. Haven't seen you around much.

Jane - Been hanging out with Nathan.

(Daria looks Jane's outfit over.)

Daria - I had a hunch. Heard any good barber shop quartets lately?

Jane - No, but we went to an antique car show Sunday, and we're starting fox-trot lessons tonight.

Daria - Sounds great. Except for the car show and fox-trot part.

Jane (defensive) - Dancing is fun, Daria, which is more than I can say for you these days.

Daria - Come on. A month ago, you would have been laughing at this too.

Jane - You don't have to put Nathan and me down just because you and Tom are in a rut.

Daria (frowns) - At least we weren't doing the fox-trot when we tripped and fell in it.

Jane - Ha.

(Jane walks off)

Daria - Hey, come back! (no response) Do you know your seams are crooked?

(Daria stands there and frowns after Jane.)

(Opening shot of the entrance of the Cinplex theater. A small crowd is leaving, with Daria and Tom among them.)

Tom - So, pizza?

(Daria stops walking.)

Tom - What?

Daria - Do you think we're in a rut?

Tom - Where'd that come from?

Daria - Jane. Just because her exciting social life involves co-piloting a time machine.

Tom - Nathan?

Daria - Don't you think he sounds a little pretentious?

Tom - Is that any way to talk about your future boyfriend?

Daria - Hey!

Tom - What'd I say?

(Daria groans. She had that one coming. Tom puts his arm around Daria and leads her off.)

Tom - Come on. Let's shake up our routine and go someplace crazy.

(Cut to the inside of a restaurant. The walls are covered with pictures and assorted memorabilia, including an oar and a Penny-Farthing bicycle. Tom and Daria are sitting in a corner booth.)

Daria - What if he does turn out to be a complete jerk.

Tom - Isn't that Jane's call?

Daria - I feel a certain responsibility for the health and well being of her social life.

Tom - Um, me too. But we've got to give this guy a chance.

Daria - I guess.

(The waitress arrives.)

Debbie - (way too chipper) Hi, I'm Debbie, your server. Would you care for a free Sour Cream Supreme Potato Skin with your order today?

Daria - Gee, I bet you say that to all the customers.

Debbie - If I don't, you get a free five dollar Phineas T. Firefly gift certificate, good at any of our two hundred and forty locations across the country!

Tom - Think we can catch the last rut out of here?

(Cut to a narrow, back alley, somewhere in Lawndale. There is a single door on one of the buildings. Nathan and Jane come walking down the alley, dressed in forties style clothes.)

Nathan - You know, this place actually used to be a speakeasy.

Jane - Until some spoilsport repealed prohibition and spoiled everything.

Nathan - Actually, it was the developers who ruined everything, with their tract housing, mini-malls and chain restaurants that serve (shudder) potato skins.

(A slot in the door opens up and someone looks out.)

Doorman - Youse know da pass word?

Nathan - Yahooty.

Doorman - Okay, Jonnieboy. Yer in.

(The door opens and Nathan indicates that Jane is to go first.)

Jane - Oh, no. After youse.

Nathan - Chivalry ain't dead. Dames first.

(Inside is a complete forties style dance hall, complete with a Big Band on the stage. Nathan and Jane are sitting at a table.)

Jane - The trouble with modern restaurants is that they don't serve enough lime aspic with marshmallow surprises.

Nathan - Told you this club was eighteen carat. Too bad the crowd tonight is kind of Frankie come lately. They're so post-khakies ad.

Jane - Oooooo.

Nathan - I'm serious! That guy's tie is too wide, and his compenario is wearing suspenders and a belt! I can't believe they let them in!

Jane - Gee, maybe I shouldn't have put on gloves and a necklace.

Nathan - Relax! You're with Nathan, sweetheart. You can't be more in than that! Want to cut a rug?

Jane - Just call me Scissors Girl.

(Cut to Jane and Nathan on the dance floor.)

Nathan - Jane, you're one swell chick

Jane - And you're, uh, one swell swell?

Nathan - Would you mind if I kissed you?

Jane - You're actually asking?

Nathan - Hey, I'm a class act.

Jane - Then... sure.

(The couple kiss, and Jane puts her hand on the back of Nathan's head, mussing his hair.)

Nathan - My hair!

Jane - (goes to smooth his hair) It's a quick fix.

Nathan - No! No! It's complicated! I got to get to a mirror!

(Jane sniffs her glove.)

Jane - Palmade. I got to get to a napkin.

(Cut to the corridor of Lawndale High. Upchuck and Stacy are walking together.)

Upchuck - Oh, how I wish I could quench your curiosity, my pet, but I cannot reveal my secrets. It's the Magician's Code.

Stacy - But I have to know how you did it! I can't get it out of my mind!

Upchuck - I know the feeling! There are so many things that I can't get out of my mind! Like that dream about the mermaids and the fudge sauce, for example?

(In the background, Quinn, Sandi, and Tiffany are at Quinn's locker and the shot centers on them as Sandi watches Stacy and Upchuck walk by.)

Sandi - Was that Stacy with Upchuck?

Quinn - (looks) No way. It must be that girl who looks like Stacy, except when she turns around.

Tiffany - Or that girl who looks like that girl.

(Cut to the outside entrance of the school. Jane walks out, wearing a pink forties dress and a hair net. Daria follows a moment later.)

Daria - Hey, wait up.

Jane - You're lucky I have trouble walking in heels.

Daria - Listen, I'm sorry I gave you a hard time about Nathan.

Jane - Why do you always have to write people off before you even know them?

Daria - I thought that's what you liked about me.

Jane - Well, I guess I can forgive you. Besides, this retro thing is pretty silly. I mean I'm wearing a snood.

Daria - I was pretending not to notice.

Jane - But, what the hell, it's just for fun.

Daria - Which is what I finally figured out. So, can I walk you to your steno pool?

Jane - Actually, Nathan is picking me up.

(Nathan pulls up in what looks like a blue and white '57 Chevy and honks the horn.)

Jane - Need a ride home?

Daria - Um...

(Jane and Daria get in the car, with Daria in the back and Jane riding shotgun.)

Daria - Matching dress and tie. Um, copasetic.

Nathan - Hey, you speaketh the jive!

Daria - I dabble.

(Nathan pulls out of the parking lot.)

Nathan - That's a swinging look you've put together, Daria. Catholic School Girl meets Kings Road London, circa eighty-three.

Daria - Darn, I was going for circa eighty-two.

Jane - Hey, Daria, do you and Tom want to hang out with us Friday? We're going to check out this movie theater outside town.

Daria - Um, sure. That sounds... fun.

(The expression on Daria's face says that she expects it to be anything but.)

(Cut to Nathan's car driving down the highway. It's later at night, and he has the top down. Daria and Tom are riding in the back seat, with the wind blowing their hair all over the place. Jane has a scarf, and Nathan's hat seems impervious to the wind.)

Tom - Nathan, how the hell are you keeping that hat on?

Nathan - Custom made, my man. It's all in the fit.

Daria - And yet they can't find a cure for cancer.

(Tom nudges Daria with his elbow.)

Jane - Nathan owns a pair of pants that belonged to Sammy Davis Junior.

Nathan - I can't ware them, though. (cocks and eyebrow) They're a very strange shape.

Daria - Then what do you put on when you want to take a sunrise and sprinkle it with dew?

Tom - Uh, how'd you get interested in all this?

Nathan - Well, I've always dug the beauty and elegance of post-war American design. People had a sense of timeless style and civilized decorum back then.

Daria - Well, yeah. But you also had the timeless style of Cold War conformity and the civilized decorum of segregation.

Nathan - I'm not saying it was all steak and onions. But there were standards.

Daria - Yeah, dress codes, loyalty oaths.

Jane - Oh, there it is!

(They pull into an old drive in theater. The screen is full of holes, there is some playground equipment that is falling apart, and the fence is falling down.)

Tom - What movie are we seeing?

Nathan - No movie.

Jane - Wow. Erie. Let's get out and poke around.

Tom - It is kind of bizarre.

Daria - No, hairless cats are bizarre. This is kind of... cool.

Nathan - Darn. We're the first one's here. I wanted to make an entrance.

Daria - First ones here??

Nathan - Look, here comes Charlece and Asher!

(A few other fifties era cars pull into the drive-in.)

Daria - Oh god. It's night of the vintage threads!

Nathan - Come on, Jane. I'll introduce you to the gang.

Daria - There's a gang??

Nathan - But first, hair check!

(Nathan runs a comb through his hair as the occupants of the other vehicles get out and someone starts the dance music playing. A couple of the new arrivals start dancing, doing some pretty complicated moves.)

Tom - Hey, that was pretty good.

Daria - And I'm sure they didn't spend a good portion of their teen years practicing it either.

Jane - (as she gets out of the car) Aren't you guys coming?

Daria - You mean outside? You do see the people, right?

Jane - Daria.

Daria - Okay, okay. Just drop us off at home first.

Nathan - Ah, leave 'em. Some people can't make the scene unless they clear it first with the P.C. police.

Tom - For a minute, during the ride there, I thought you were going to go for his throat.

Daria - Believe me, I've been fighting back the urge to strangle him with Sammy Davis' pants. But Jane thinks he's swingin'. (sigh) I wish the P.C. police were here. I bet they'd give us a ride home.

(Cut to the corridor of Lawndale High. Jane and Daria are walking to class. This time Jane is wearing a light blue retro outfit.)

Jane - I had a great time the other night.

Daria - Yeah, me too.

Jane - Sorry we woke you guys up when we got back in the car.

Daria - Hey, no problem. We got in a good three hours first.

(They walk up to the principal's office, where Ms Li is sitting at a table with a roll of tickets and a cash box. Upchuck is next to the table, wearing a white on blue tuxedo, complete with carnation.)

Upchuck - Come see a feat of legerdemain so dangerous that I've taken out an insurance policy on my body, and my bodily fluids. This Saturday night, I will be handcuffed, straight jacketed, and interred within an airtight, steel reinforced, military grade trunk. Then, it's either escape, or asphyxiate.

Daria - Do we get to pick?

Li - All proceeds--

Upchuck - (Ahem)

Li - Most proceeds to benefit the special expenditures fund for embedding microchips in the gym equipment.

Daria - Upchuck, bound and gagged. That does sound entertaining.

(Jane takes a bill out of her pocket and puts it on the table.)

Jane - I'll take four tickets.

Li - (handing Jane the tickets) On behalf of pilfered basketballs everywhere, Ms. Lane, I'd like to say that's very school spirited of you.

(Jane tears off two tickets and gives them to Daria.)

Jane - You ask Tom, I'll ask Nathan. My treat.

Daria - If that's the work for it.

(Daria and Jane walk off as the four members of the Fashion Club walk by.)

Upchuck - Behold! An approaching quartet of lovelies! It appears that my magic mojo is working overtime! Hi...Stacy.

Stacy - Um, hi. (nervous laugh)

Sandi - Did you just say 'hello' to Upchuck? Or was that a hiccup?

Stacy - Must be all the diet soda I've been drinking.

(Cut to the inside of the Lane house at the front door. The doorbell rings and Trent answers. Nathan is there, wearing a screaming yellow zoot suit.)

Trent - Whoa, canary yellow!

Nathan - Hi, I'm Nathan. Jane's escort for the evening. You must be Trent. It's great to finally meet you.

(They shake hands.)

Trent - Yeah. Same here. (Looks Nathan over) You, um, dress like that every day?

Nathan - Sure. Do you?

Trent - What?

Nathan - Dress like that? I mean, the sixties are over.

Trent - The forties were over first.

Nathan - Maybe, but great style is timeless.

Trent - That's exactly what I was going to say. Thanks.

Nathan - No, thank you.

(They shake hands again.)

(Cut to Jane's room. There is a mirror up on the easel instead of a painting. Jane is wearing a blue dress and is looking at herself in the mirror.)

Jane - It was so much easier when I had one outfit.

(There is a knock at the door.)

Jane - Yo.

(Nathan walks in.)

Nathan - Hey gorgeous.

Jane - Hey. (kisses Nathan) Wow. You really do own a zoot suit.

Nathan - Got to have something for special occasions.

(Nathan walks over and sits on the bed, picks up the remote, and turns on the television)

SSW Announcer - Trouble travels by trike! Under-age road rage, next on Sick Sad World.

(Nathan turns off the TV.)

Nathan - How could anyone watch that crap! The decline of modern civilization.

Jane - Exactly.

Nathan - Ready to go? The Tiki Tavern is going to be packed tonight!

Jane - I bought tickets to see Upchuck the Irritating, remember? You know, first the freaky, then the tiki.

Nathan - Oh, come on! Magic is so old and corny! And the gang's expecting us in time for the floating ukulele review.

Jane - I told Daria and Tom we'd be there. You know, my gang?

Nathan - Sorry, it's just not my speed. Um, you know you're mixing forties shoes with a fifties dress, right?

Jane - Okaaaay.

(Cut to the auditorium. The house is packed and the stage is decorated with decorated with stars and a large, all-seeing eye.)

(Cut to Tiffany, Quinn, and Sandi sitting in the crowd.)

Sandi - I think Stacy has confused being fashionably late with outright tardiness.

Tiffany - She's been so weird lately.

Quinn - She hardly didn't eat anything at lunch today. Did that make sense?

Tiffany - I got it.

(On stage, Me. Li walks out and takes the podium.)

Li - Welcome one and all! I'd like to thank Mr. Ruttheimer for supporting a most worthy cause, and for giving me some pointers for adapting the intercom system for post hypnotic suggestions! (leans into mic and whispers) I will tithe my earning to Lawndale High, tithe my earnings to Lawndale High. (Straightens and resumes normal tone) And now, Rutthemimer the Prestidigitator and his lovely assistant, Stacy!

(Upchuck and Stacy walk out. He is in his white and blue tux, while Stacy is wearing sequined costume with a short skirt.)

(Cut back to the rest of the FC as the crowd gasps.)

Sandi - Emergency meeting immediately following show!

Tiffany - Her costume! It's so sparkly!

(On stage, Upchuck is in a straight jacket and steps into a large trunk as he talks.)

Upchuck - Greetings, magic aficionados!

(Stacy reaches down and brings up some large chains.)

Upchuck - Please, be gentile, my sweet. I have a very delicate... everything!

Stacy - (chaining up Upchuck) I hope I'm doing this right.

Upchuck - No complaints on this end. Rowrr! (to the crowd) As soon as I am fully bondaged, I will enter this steel, reinforced trunk, which the lovely Stacy will close and lock. From the outside!

(Upchuck lays down in the trunk, and Stacy locks it with a padlock. Then she stands there for a moment.)

Stacy - (whispers loudly) Oh no! What do I do next?

(Upchuck's answer is muffled by the box. Stacy looks back out at the crowd and smiles nervously.)

(Cut to the crowd where Tom and Daria are sitting.)

Tom - Where do you think Jane and Nathan are?

Daria - Maybe the roadster ran out of jive juice.

(Cut to Jane's room, where she is trying on shoes for Nathan's approval.)

Jane - Do these meet with your approval?

Nathan - They're from the forties too. I just don't think you're ready to mix era's yet.

Jane - Look in the mirror! You're the one wearing a forties zoot suit to a sixties tiki bar!

Nathan - Damn! What was I thinking? Now I have to go home and change!

(Cut back to the stage. Upchuck can be heard struggling in the trunk, and Stacy looks scared.)

Li - What's taking so long? I rented the auditorium out, and the single scientologists will be here in less than an hour!

Stacy - (breaking) He was supposed to signal me! Something's wrong!

Li - Panic! Panic! I foresee a massive hike in insurance premiums!

(DeMartino walks on with a crow bar.)

DeMartino - Why do I always wind up bailing out the naive or incompetent when their ill-conceived plans go awry!

(Barch walks out as DeMartino tries to pry the box open.)

Barch - Just like a man to be there one minute and gone the next! Hiya!

(Barch starts kicking the padlock, and Stacy is looking more and more freaked out.)

(Cut back to Jane's room.)

Jane - Get over yourself! You're taking this all way to seriously!

Nathan - No, you're not taking it seriously enough!

Jane - Nathan, it's a fad! It's just for fun, not something to go to war over!

Nathan - You're wrong! Retro will never die! It's not just about bowling shirts and cocktail shakers and dice shaped cuff-links! It's about pride and standards that set up apart from today's mindless, insipid mainstream! The trendies have come and gone! The true believers are left! Are you with us, or against us?

Jane - Nathan, if you really liked me, it wouldn't matter if I was wearing fishnets or sweatpants!

Nathan - You own sweatpants?!

Jane - Get out!

Nathan - Dilitant!

Jane - Poser!

Nathan - ARGH! I was pre-khakis commercial, and don't you forget it!

(Nathan storms out. Cut back to the auditorium, where Stacy is now standing out in the crowd next to where the rest of the FC is sitting. She has her hands over her face and appears to be crying her eyes out. Onstage, DeMartino and Barch are still trying to open the trunk.)

DeMartino - Come on, you rigid, stubborn box of death! Yield, I say! Yield!

Barch - No goodbye, not even a note, after I gave you the best years of my life!

(Cut back to Stacy and the FC)

Sandi - Stacy, it's just tragic how you so completely embarrassed yourself!

Tiffany - Yeah. And freaked out!

Quinn - And your mascara! It's not even waterproof! Oh, I can't look!

Sandi - Good thing Upchuck's buried alive in there so you won't have to spend the rest of your life seeking revenge for the way he's humiliated you in front of the whole school.

(Stacy immediately stops crying and drops her hands.)

Stacy - Oh, Sandi. You are so naive.

Sandi - Huh?

(Onstage, the trunk finally breaks open. DeMartino, Barch, and Li look inside.)

DeMartino - Where is he??

Barch - Probably chatting up some floosey in a sleazy roadside tavern, complaining about how he and his wife haven't slept in the same bed since--

DeMartino - (points) He's back there!

(Cut to the back of the auditorium, where Upchuck is standing in the aisle.)

Upchuck - Shazam!

(Cut to Daria and Tom)

Tom - I've got to admit, I really thought he was in trouble.

Daria - Optimist. Are those Sammy Davis' pants?

(Cut to Upchuck, back on stage.)

Upchuck - Let's hear it for my lovely and very talented assistant Stacy, and her Oscar worthy acting job!

(Stacy waves to the crowd.)

Upchuck - Your crocodile tears bring out the tiger in me! Rowrr!

(They bow. Cut to the rest of the FC.)

Tiffany - Maybe Stacy can teach me to cry.

Quinn - It would be useful at home, and in a variety of social situations.

(Sandi just looks mad.)

(Cut to the outside entrance of the auditorium, where the crowd is leaving the show. Daria and Tom walk out as Jane, back in her normal outfit, walks up.)

Li - (o/s) Drive home safe! (whispers) Tithe your earnings! (normal) Welcome, Single Scientologists!

Jane - Did I miss anything?

Daria - Nothing good. Upchuck survived.

Tom - Where's Sir Swanky? Sorry, I mean--

Jane - We broke up.

Daria - (looking Jane over) No kidding.

Tom - At least now I can admit I didn't like him.

Jane - What if we get back together?

Tom - Aw, crap!

Jane - Relax, that's not going to happen. You knew he was a jerk, didn't you?

Daria - I didn't feel it was my place to state that incredibly obvious fact. I mean 'impose my subjective opinion.'

Jane - I should have known when you didn't try to steal him from me.

Tom & Daria - Hey!

Jane - What'd I say? Maybe I did all that goofy stuff because I was a little too eager to be hanging out with a cool guy.

Daria - No. You were right about fun being fun. I'm gonna try and remember that on the off chance that I allow myself to have some.

Jane - I guess Nathan's stylish good looks blinded me to the profound jerkyness underneath.

Daria - You always did have a weakness for the cute ones.

(Tom blushes.)

(Cut to the outside of a store called Christy's Closet, the next day. Daria and Jane are waling out.)

Jane - (counting money) Eighty, ninety, a hundred. Not bad, considering most of those clothes came from the attic.

Daria - How do you feel about the beauty and elegance of a post war American pizza?

Jane - I guess I'm buying, since I've got the hundred bucks.

Daria - Ninety. Remember, you have to give ten to Ms. Li.

Jane - That's right. Damn post hypnotic suggestion.

(closing credits)