Episode Guide

One J at a Time
Episode #508
Written by Ron Corcillo and A.J. Poulin
(Transcript created by Greystar)

(opening theme song)

(Opening wide shot of Morgendorffer home cuts to the kitchen table. Jake, wearing his "Kiss The Cook" apron is working on a large bowl of something while Quinn, Helen, and Daria are sitting at their traditional places at the table, waiting for dinner.)

Quinn - So this new Fashionvision series, "Behind the Untold Story of The Supermodels," reveals what the supermodels' lives were like when they were just plain models.

(Jake finishes his concoction)

Jake - Thai peanut sauce a-la Jake is complete-o! Who wants the first bite?

Daria - You pick, mom. It'll be like Sophie's Choice.

Jake - This is a whole different recipe than the last batch.

(Scoops some onto Quinn's plate. She doesn't look to sure about it.)

Helen - I hope so. It took three days to get the smell out of the house.

Jake - Experiment with a little wasabi and the whole world's a critic. Dammit, Helen, you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs!

Daria - Can I have an omelet?

Helen - No.

Daria - How about some eggs to break?

Quinn - Anyway, the were just about to show Veronique's make-up bag from high school when that delivery guy rang the door bell with Daria's package. (Shrugs) What is with those brown uniforms?

Daria - Um, this package? Did it run away by it self or hop a lonesome freight train west?

(Jake reaches in and dishes Daria up)

Quinn - It's in the living room somewhere (Waves in that general direction) Now I'm never going to find out what was in that make-up bag.

(Jake dishes himself up and sits and Daria stands and leaves)

Jake - Come on, why isn't anyone digging in? It's M'm-M'm good!

(Jake takes a bite and promptly chokes. He spits into his napkin.)

Quinn - EWWW! Dad's sick!

Helen - (Sighs and stands) I'll heat up some lasagna, while you throw that out.

Jake - Damn foreign language cookbooks!

(Jake takes his bowl over to the sink.)

Helen - And not in the sink! I don't want it eating through the pipes.

(Jake starts muttering to himself as he starts dumping the inedible concoction into the trash as Daria walks in with her delivery: a hardbound book.)

Quinn - (Looking over her shoulder) What is that?

Daria - My people call them books. (Looks inside the front cover) Huh. A first edition. Tom must have found it on the web.

(Helen pulls a lasagna from the freezer.)

Helen - Oh, how sweet!

Quinn - He bought you a used book? What kind of boyfriend is he?

Helen - (Putting lasagna in oven) A boyfriend who cares enough to know what's important to Daria.

Daria - Now I'm sick.

Quinn - Well, lots of guys care about me. I don't know why anyone would settle for just one.

Helen - Quinn, it's a special thing to find someone so compatible that you want to see them exclusively. Having a steady boyfriend takes maturity and perspective.

Quinn - (whining) I'm mature!

Daria - And you have the teddy-bear earrings to prove it.

Helen - You know, Daria, dad and I really haven't had the chance to really get to know Tom. Why don't you invite him over for dinner?

Daria - Because I haven't taken complete leave of my senses.

Quinn - Can I bring a boyfriend too?

Helen - If and when you have a steady boyfriend, Quinn, we'd love to have him for dinner.

Daria - Do we have to dip him in that peanut sauce before we eat him?

(Behind them, Jake ties up the garbage bag)

Jake - Hey!

Helen - What night is good for Tom to come over?

Daria - Hmm. Any time after Armageddon is fine.

(Jake pulls the bag from the can, and heads out of the kitchen)

Jake - I slave over a hot stove all day, and for what?

Daria - (to Helen) It's to keep him off the streets, right?

(Shot cuts to the driveway outside of the house. The garage door is open and Jake is walking out to the curb. One of the two trash cans there is on it's side, it's contents spilled all over the driveway.)

Jake - Maybe if I used less chili oil. (Spots the dumped trash) Hey!!

(Jake runs up to the upended trash can.)

Jake - Damn skate punks are tearing up the streets! Today it's trash cans, tomorrow, mail boxes! And then...(shouting) You won't get my shrubs! Do ya hear me? You won't get my shrubs!!

(Daria and Jane walking to school the next day.)

Jane - So your mother actually go around to inviting Tom over for dinner.

Daria - I know. Some workaholic.

Jane - Relax. Get your father started on military school and the evening will be over before it begins.

Daria - That's what I'm afraid of.

Jane - What, that he'll embarrass you? That's what parents are for.

Daria - It's more that he'll provide Tom with a festive night of subtle mockery. My dad deserves better than that... Sort of.

Jane - Well, I don't think you're giving Tom enough credit. He never once said an unkind work to my parents.

Daria - He never met your parents.

Jane - Oh, yeah. I don't suppose you could get your father to go off to Greece for six months to sketch the sunset.

Daria - Maybe you're right. Maybe dad'll be relatively calm and Tom will bite his tongue and a good time will be had by all.

Jane - You're gonna "forget" to tell Tom about this and hope the whole thing goes away.

Daria - I've already forgotten.

(Wide outside shot of Lawndale High, then cut to the Fashion Club not eating lunch in the cafeteria.)

Sandi - Quinn has requested this emergency meeting of the Fashion Club to make this very important announcement.

Stacy - I knew camouflage would come back, I knew it!

Quinn - It's not camouflage, Stacy. I've, um, decided to get a steady boyfriend.

(Stacy and Tiffany look at Quinn blankly.)

Sandi - If this is you're idea of a joke, Quinn, perhaps you should look up the word 'huh?' in the dictionary.

Quinn - Sandi, I'm serious. It's a special thing to find someone so exclusive that you want to see them compatibly.

Tiffany - You mean you're only going to date one guy from now on? And not any other guys?

Stacy - Quinn, think of what you'll be missing -- all the gifts and cash prizes!

Sandi - On second thought, I think it's an excellent idea.

Stacy - Um, me too!

Tiffany - Good idea.

Sandi - Who's the lucky guy?

Quinn - Gee, I haven't thought about that.

Sandi - Well, this is a very important decision Quinn, not one to be taken lightly. How about Craig? His parents put in a pool.

Quinn - But he just got that bad haircut. Ew.

Sandi - Oh, right. Hmm. Mark would look really good with you.

Quinn - But he's color blind! He could pick out the wrong scarf for me or something.

Stacy - I know, let's make a list of qualifications. Like he has to be at least three inches taller than you and drive a car with a leather interior.

Tiffany - No moles.

Quinn - That's a great idea. You guys are so caring.

Sandi - That's our job, Quinn. To care. And you're job is to pick a boyfriend before the weekend so we can confirm our schedules.

Quinn - Uh, I guess I'd better get to work.

(Quinn gets up, takes her tray, and leaves the table.)

Stacy - Gee, maybe we all should get boyfriends.

Sandi - Why would we do that? With Quinn gone, there'll be more guys for the rest of us.

(Wide shot of the Morgendorffer house, that night. Cut to the kitchen, where Helen and Quinn are sitting at their usual places at the table. Daria is in the background, walking to the fridge.)

Quinn - Sandi helped me break my list into three categories: looks, popularity, and how well his hair matches my clothes.

Helen - You know, Quinn, looks and popularity aren't really what's important in a relationship.

Quinn - Than what is?

Daria - (walking a way form the fridge with a can of soda) The ability to fix major appliances.

Quinn - (Makes a note) Mmm. Yes, I can see that.

(Daria cracks her soda and walks off)

Helen - What's really important is that you find someone that you enjoy being with.

Quinn - You mean like how I enjoyed Kyle taking me to Le Yeast last night.

Helen - I mean someone you can get along with for more than one evening. Who can share your hopes and dreams, your trials and disappointments. Someone you look forward to seeing day after day, week after week, (angrier) month after month, year after year, the same old complaints about his uncaring father. God is he ever going to get over --

Quinn - Mo-oommmm! That's so boring!

Helen - Uh, not at all! That's compatibality!

Quinn - (Gets up and leaves) I think I'll finish this upstairs.

(Helen looks depressed as Quinn leaves)

(Shot of the outside of Pizza King, where a line of boys is stretching off down the street. Cut to inside where Quinn is conducting boyfriend interviews. Needless to say, Joey, Jeffey, and Jamie are at the head of the line, where Quinn is sitting with her notepad. Daria and Jane are watching the proceedings from their booth in the background)

Quinn - Moving on to compatibility, what color jacket would you ware to match my mauve sandals?

Jeffy - Um, leather?


Quinn - Can you fix major appliances?

Jamie - I set the clock on my VCR once.


Quinn - If I were stranded on a deserted island, what is the one item you'd bring me?

Jeffy - A boat! With flares, and life boats, and the Coast Guard, and...and the Navy!

Quinn - Wrong wrong wrong! The correct answer is 'sunscreen!'

(Zoom in on Daria and Jane)

Jane - Wow. Ten interviews in ten minutes. She really should consider a career in broadcast journalism.

Daria - Tonight, on Sixty Seconds.

(Shot of Jake's Lexus pulling into the driveway and screeching to a halt outside the Morgendorffer's home. This time both trash cans are spilled over.)

Jake - (shouting as he gets out of the car) Damn you kids! I'm going to set up one of those hidden surveillance cameras!!

(Jake slams the door and goes to clean up the mess)

Jake - Probably shouldn't have yelled that last part out.

(Just as Jake bends down, a gray squirrel shoots out of one of the trash cans. Jake yells in surprise as the offending animal, a nugget of something in it's teeth, scrambles up the tree next to the driveway and looks down on Jake from a branch.)

Jake - (back on his feet and looking up) You're no kid, dammit!

(The usual wide shot of Lawndale High, the next day. Then into the cafeteria, where Quinn, Stacy, and Tiffany are at the usual Fashion Club table. Sandi has collected her tray and walks into the shot to set next to Quinn.)

Quinn - Andy has the best shoulders, but Peter has a better jaw line.

STACY and Tiffany - Uh huh. I agree.

Sandi - Quinn, the weekend is almost upon us and you have yet to choose your boyfriend.

Quinn - Sandi, I know! I'm trying as hard as I can, but I just can't decide because what if the one I think is the right one turns out to be the wrong one and the wrong is the right one and what are the right ones?

Tiffany - This is the hardest and most important decision you'll ever have to make.

Quinn - (head in hands) I know! (looks up) Stacy, do you still have that magic eight-ball?

Stacy - Um...

(Joey, Jeffy and Jamie walk up)

Jamie - Hey, Quinn! Did you pick a boyfriend yet?

Joey - Is it one of us?

Jeffy - Like, for instance, me?

Quinn - Well, uh...

Sandi - Come on, Quinn. Don't keep your future boyfriend waiting.

(Tiffany, Stacy, and the Three Js are all looking on expectantly)

Quinn - Okay okay, I've decided that my boyfriend will be...

(Quinn holds up one hand to hide the other and starts counting.)

Quinn: Eene meeny miney mo, catch a boyfriend by the toe, my mother said to pick this one --Jamie!

Jamie - All right!

Joey and Jeffy - Aww!

(Joey and Jeffy stalk off angrily, with Jamie following.)

Jamie - Hey, guys!

Sandi - Quinn. Quinn! There goes your boyfriend!

Quinn - So?

Sandi - So, he's your boyfriend! Run to him, Quinn!

Quinn - Oh, yeah! (Stands off and runs after Jamie) Hey! Jamie, you idiot!

(As soon as Quinn leaves, Sandi leans on the table, all business.)

Sandi - Okay, let's divide up all the guys at school. I've devised a draft system similar to that used by the WNBA.

(Shot of the Morgendorffer kitchen. Daria is at her usual place, doing a crossword, Helen is putting away some dishes, and Jake is working on a large cage trap on the island.)

Helen - Daria, let's pick a night for Tom to come over. How's Friday?

Daria - Sorry, no good. It's the day after Thursday.

Helen - Well, how about Saturday, then?

Daria - I'll be gearing up for Sunday.

Helen - Daria, is there some reason you don't want to invite Tom over?

Jake - Damn squirrels are nothing but rats with fluffy tails! Well, to catch a rat, you've got to think like a rat! Where's the cheese!

(Daria gives Helen an "Any other dumb questions?" look as Quinn walks into the kitchen.)

Quinn - Mom, dad, it's official. Jamie is my new boyfriend. Therefore I will no longer be accepting unsolicited calls from other boys.

(Jake is digging in the refrigerator, his backside sticking out and bouncing in time to his rummaging.)

Jake - (high pitched) Gimmie cheese! I want cheese!

Quinn - Um, dad? What about you're heart and whatnot?

Jake - I don't have a heart! I'm a fluffy rat! (Laughs manically as he walks out.)

Helen - Daria -- (cell phone rings and Helen answers) Hello? Really? Suing UNICEF? Eric, is that a good move, public relations-wise? Well, yes, it is a lot of pennies. (walks off)

(Quinn walks up next to Daria, who's trying to concentrate on her crossword.)

Quinn - It was a very difficult decision. . . I mean, picking Jamie for my boyfriend. . . Much contemplation was involved.

Daria - (giving up on her crossword) If he's your boyfriend, how come you're not with him? You should be together all the time. That's what girlfriends do, you know.

Quinn - What? You're not always with Tom.

Daria - But we don't go to the same school. If we did, we'd be together before school, after school, in between meals and after snacks. And then on the phone all night.

Quinn - But --

Daria - In fact, you should be with Jamie right now. Unless you want to cause problems this early in the relationship.

Quinn - (Sighs) A girlfriend's work is never done.

(Quinn leaves as Helen walks back in, still on her cell phone.)

Helen - Well, if we're gonna sue the bastards, I say get 'em right after Halloween when they're flush.

(Outside, Jake is heard to scream.)

Helen - I'll call you back.

(Helen shuts off her phone and turns to look out the window. In the back yard, Jake has gotten his hand caught in his cage trap and is thrashing it around in an effort to get it off. Helen now realizes exactly what Daria is worried about.)

Jake - Aahh! DAMMIT! GAAHHHH!!

Helen - (turns and sits) You're worried about your father's behavior.

Daria - Look, I understand him...

Helen - Really?

Daria - ...but he might be a little off-putting to someone who's not, um, blood related. They might not appreciate his, um, energetic reactions to certain stimuli.

Helen - Stimuli? What stimuli?

Daria - Oh, you know. Everything.

Helen - (Sighs, conceding the point.) Daria, I'll make you a deal. I'll have a talk with your father about his conduct. You call Tom about dinner. What do you say?

Daria - (resignedly) Didn't our deals used to involve cash?

(Shot of Quinn sitting on the floor of her bedroom, talking on the phone with someone.)

Quinn - Now, according to Waif, the most important part of communicating is listening.

(Screen splits to show Jamie, presumably in his own bedroom, sitting at his desk. A digital clock style caption reads 6:30 pm.)

Jamie - Yeah, nobody ever listens to when I --

Quinn - Oh look! A quiz on what your eye shadow says about you! My favorite shade is a, blue; b, umber...

(Jamie does not look happy, but sits back and resigns himself to the situation. Shot fades out and back in. The clock-caption reads 8:05pm. Quinn is still talking and Jamie is studying with the phone up to his ear.)

Quinn - Stacy says those hippie people in the sixties didn't even ware eye shadow! I mean what's that about?... I said, what's that about?

Jamie - (tosses his book away) Um, I know?

(Scene fades out and in again. Clock says 11:49pm. Quinn is still prattling on and Jamie has his knees clamped together and a look of agony on his face as he bounces on his toes.)

Quinn - Cream shadows can get stuck in creases...

(Jamie drops the phone on his desk and races off screen.)

Quinn - ... not that I have any creases, but I've seen it happen to other people. Do you prefer the glitzy look of creams or the ore natural look of pressed powders? What do you think?

(The sound of a toilet flushing is heard.)

Quinn - Jamie? Jamie, you're not listening to me!

(Jamie races back to his chair and picks the phone up again.)

Jamie - Of course I am! Um, creases suck!

Quinn - You haven't been listening! You don't even care what kind of eye shadow I ware!

Jamie - I'm sorry!

Quinn - Forget it! It's over.

(Quinn's side of the split screen slides off, leaving Jamie holding a now dead phone.)

Jamie - Quinn! Come back!

(Shot of outside of Morgendorffer home, then to the back yard. Something has been caught in Jake's cage trap, and he's coming out of the glass doors in the living room to investigate.)

Jake - I've got you now, fluff-rat!

(Jake pops the trap open and looks inside, discovering that he's caught a neighbor's cat.)

Jake - Oh! Mr. Whiskers! (Jake scratches the cat's ears and chin) What are you doing in there, you silly kitty? (Jake reaches in and takes the cat out of the trap) You should be next door in your cozy warm --

(Mr. Whiskers yowls and slashes at Jakes arm with his claws.)

Jake - (drops the cat, which runs off, and grabs his wounded arm) Gah!! DAMMIT!!

(Shot cuts to the living room, where Daria is watching TV. The Sick, Sad World theme is playing as a man in fly fishing gear sets something on to his hook and casts.)

SSW Announcer - Meet the fly fishing pathologist who uses human organs as bait! 'A Liver Run's Through It,' next on Sick, Sad World!

(Quinn walks in and sits down beside Daria.)

Quinn - If Jamie calls, I'm not speaking to him.

Daria - How about if he doesn't?

Quinn - My new boyfriend is Joey, so put him through immediately. (takes remote and starts flipping channels)

Daria - Hey, shouldn't you be watching your new boyfriend at football practice right now?

Quinn - It's too humid. My hair might frizz.

Daria - (crosses her arms) Brittany's there, supporting Kevin. She has hair.

Quinn - She's a cheerleader, she has to go.

Daria - I'm not a cheerleader and I go to all of Tom's luge races. I guess you're just one of those unsupportive girlfriends.

Quinn - (gets up and walks off) Maybe they'll have some frizz-proof conditioner at the drugstore.

(Daria takes the remote back and goes back to watching SSW, which was what she wanted to do in the first place.)

(Switch to the kitchen, where Jake is digging in the refrigerator again. Helen walks in as he's scrounging.)

Helen - Jake, dear. I want to talk to you about Sunday night. Tom's coming over and it would mean a lot to Daria if we were both on out best behavior.

Jake - The cheese didn't work. Do squirrels like salami?

Helen - Jake, this is important! I want you to give this squirrel hunt a rest while Tom is here.

Jake - Oh, um, sure! you can count on old Jakey!

Helen - Thank you, honey.

Jake - Besides, by the time Tom gets here, I'll be wearing a squirrel skin cap on my head and doing a victory jig! (looks back in the refrigerator) I wonder if he'd go for bacon bits?

(Helen sighs and looks at the ceiling with an expression that clearly says "Give me strength!" )

(The living room, later that evening. Daria is reading a magazine while Quinn, dressed for a date, is talking on the phone.)

Quinn - I really miss you too, Stacy! It's so hard to see your friends and go shopping and stuff when you're forced to be with -- when you have a boyfriend! Of course, commitment is very important to me.

Daria - Hello, Bellevue?

Quinn - Sandi's been dating Kyle? But I thought Kyle liked me?... I know, I know, boyfriend blah blah blah. So, what are you guys doing tonight?

Daria - The usual, cast a few spells then a quick broomstick ride before bed.

Quinn - But I love Guys 2 Guys! I can't believe Joey's not taking me to that concert! (doorbell rings) There he is, got to go!

(Quinn opens the door and is presented with a large bouquet of flowers by Joey, who's also dressed up for their date.)

Joey - Hi, Quinn!

Quinn - Um, change of plans. You're taking me to the Guys 2 Guys concert.

Joey - But you said that you wanted to go to Margé La Cuisine! Tonight's their open --

Quinn - Forget what I said. I want to go to the concert!

Joey - But Quinn, it's sold out!

Quinn - Fine! If you won't take me, then you obviously don't care! You're one of those unsupportive boyfriends!

Joey - But Quinn --

Quinn - Forget it! It's too late! It's over!

Joey - But Quinn, wait!

(Quinn slams the door in his face.)

Daria - Wow. A whole day. At least you'll have the memories.

Quinn - I give up! This boyfriend stuff is too time consuming.

(Helen walks in as Quinn starts dialing the phone)

Helen - Daria, I, um, spoke to your father. We're all set for Sunday night. And Quinn! Why don't you invite your boyfriend, too!

Quinn - Um, my boyfriend?

Helen - Why not? I think it's great that you're in a steady relationship. It shows a lot of personal growth.

Quinn - Uh, okay, I'll invite him. (to herself) As soon as I figure out who he is.

(Opening shot of Mrogendorffer home. Tom is getting out of his car, parked by the mail box, and Daria is waiting for him on the curb.)

Daria - Just keep telling yourself that someday you'll look back on tonight and laugh.

Tom - Isn't that what they said to Lincoln?

Daria - Tom, I...

Tom - Daria, I don't mind. Really. It'll be interesting getting to know your folks.

(They start up the walk towards the door.)

Daria - Speaking of interesting, my father can be a little... eccentric.

Tom - So I've heard.

Daria - From who?!

Tom - You!

Daria - Oh, yeah.

(They enter the house and Daria shuts the door behind them)

Daria - I know that you wouldn't intentionally say anything to upset him, it's just that he's kind of, um sensitive.

Tom - So, no bright lights or loud noises?

Daria - (warning) Tom.

(Quinn walks down the stairs and comes up to the couple.)

Tom - Don't worry. I want him to like me too, you know.

Quinn - Ahem. Excuse me. My new serious boyfriend, Jeffy, will be here any minute, and I'd like it if you two didn't do anything to embarrass me.

Daria - I guess the bear suits are out.

Tom - How long have you and Jeffy been a couple?

Quinn - It's not the quantity of the time, but the quality.

Daria - You'll make a great neglectful mother one day. (looks at Tom) Speaking of serious, thanks for getting us those adjoining cemetery plots. (nods at Quinn and looks her way with her eyes) Now I know you care.

Tom - (gets the hint) Oh! My pleasure.

Quinn - That's gross!

Tom - No that's commitment. (takes Daria's hand) Right, Snookles?

Daria - (fake embarrassment) Oh, you!

Quinn - 'Snookles?' (doorbell rings, and Quinn answers.)

(Jeffy is standing outside the door.)

Quinn - Hi Jeffy! I mean, uh, Jeffy-lube.

Jeffy - Um, hey Quinn.

Quinn - I need to talk to you about our cemetery plots, but not now.

(Jeffy now looks completely confused.)

(Scene changes to the Morgendorffer's dining room. Tom and Daria are sitting next to each other on one side, while Quinn and Jeffy have the other.)

Helen - We're so glad that you two could come over.

Tom - Thanks for inviting us, Mrs. Morgendorffer.

Jeffy - Um, yeah.

Jake - No problem-o. It's great to have some men around the house. This place could do with a little scratching and sweating now and then. Right, guys? (Helen loudly clears her throat) Huh?

Tom - So, what's new, Mr. Morgendorffer?

Jake - Not too much, Tom my man. Not too much. (frowns) Except there's this squirrel. He's been terrorizing the neighborhood. Digging up yards and knocking over trash can's with a single flip of his fuzzy tail.

Helen - Jake, remember what I said.

Jake - But he asked!

Tom - I'm with you, Mr. Morgendorffer. Some squirrels got into our cellar last winter and ate up all the wheat thins.

Daria - Tom!

Tom - What? They did.

Helen - Jeffy! What are your favorite subjects in school?

Jeffy - I caught a squirrel once!

Quinn - Jeffy!

Jake - You did! How?

Jeffy - They really like peanut butter!

Jake - Peanut butter! Yeah! I bet Thai Peanut sauce would work great! And I whipped up a new batch just last night!

Helen - Jake, you didn't!

Daria - I thought I smelled something at breakfast, but I just thought a neighbor had died.

(Helen's cell phone starts ringing)

Helen - (Digging for her phone) Jake, you promised you'd -- (turns on phone) Hello? Eric? This is a bad time, I'm in the middle of a family -- Yes, of course I knew UNICEF's a charity. No, it's Uniroyal that makes the tires. (walks out with her phone)

Jake - Hey Jeffy. do you think you could help me set up the trap?

Jeffy - Sure!

Quinn - Jeffy! What's more important? Our commitment to compatible exclusivity or some stupid squirrel?

Tom - Look, there it is!

(Jake looks over his shoulder and, sure enough, the squirrel is in the back yard.)

Jake - Let's go!

(All three males leave the room in a rush)

Daria - Tom?

Quinn - Jeffy!

(Daria gets up and goes over to the window. She watches as Tom and Jeffy set up the trap, while Jake loads it up with peanut sauce.)

Daria - I guess that answers the "what's more important" question. Well, things have turned out even more ridiculous than --

Quinn - AUGH! I can't believe that Jeffy just deserted me like that! I'll never have a boyfriend! I'll never be in a relationship like you and Tom! I'm a complete failure!

(Quinn rushed out.)

Daria - Hmm. Do I do the sisterly thing and console her? Oh look. Rolls.

(Daria takes a roll out of the bowl on the table and takes a bite as Helen walks in.)

Helen - All right, Eric, you keep working on the apology. I'll draft a list of children's charities we haven't sued. Bye! (Turns off her phone and notices the empty room) Oh my. Where is everyone?

Daria - Dad, Tom, and Jeffy are outside trying to catch a squirrel, and Quinn's in her room crying.

Helen - Why? What happened?

Daria - Male bonding, I guess.

Helen - I mean with Quinn.

Daria - Oh. She said something about failing at relationships.

Helen - What? Just because Jeffy joined your father on some ridiculous squirrel chase, she thinks her relationship is over?

Daria - Well, she might have had slightly unrealistic expectations about what having a boyfriend entails.

Helen - Uh-huh. And just what would some of these expectations be?

Daria - You know, being together twenty-four hours a day, hanging on each other's every word, his-and-hers cemetery plots.

Helen - Daria, how could you mislead your sister like that!?

(Helen leaves)

Daria - Mother. How could I not?

(Daria looks back outside and sees Tom, Jake, and Jeffy celebrating the capture of the squirrel.)

Daria - (Walks back to her seat) And what about me? I finally get up the nerve to invite Tom for a family dinner and everyone leaves me, confirming my deepest fears about abandonment and isolation. Oh look, shoestring potatoes.

(Quinn's room, with her laying across her bed, looking miserable as Helen walks in.)

Helen - Quinn, Daria said you were upset.

Quinn - Of course I'm upset! I tried and I tried to get this boyfriend thing right and I just couldn't! I don't know who I'm gonna be buried with! My whole life has been a lie.

Helen - Maybe you're not ready for a steady boyfriend just yet.

Quinn - Okay! I admit you were right! I'm not mature enough to have a boyfriend.

Helen - Me?? I never said you weren't mature enough for a boyfriend!

Quinn - (sits up) But you said Daria was really mature to be in a relationship, so if I'm not in a relationship that makes me un-mature. . . Or "im?"

Helen - Quinn, having a boyfriend doesn't make you any more or less grown up. What's important is to do what makes you happy. Dating Tom exclusively makes Daria happy. If dating a lot of different boys makes you happy, than that's what you should do.

(Quinn ponders this for a moment.)

Quinn - So, it's alright not to have a steady boyfriend?

Helen - Of course it's all right.

(Quinn jumps up off the bed. Obviously she's feeling better.)

Quinn - Okay! I'm going to go dump Jeffy now!

(Chance to shot of a road sign -- "LEAVING LAWNDALE COUNTY." Pull back to see Jake's Lexus speeding by. In the car, Tom, Jake, and Jeffy are singing along with the radio while Jeffy is doing a jig in the back seat.)

Tom, Jeffy, & Jake - Whoomp, there it is! Whoomp, there it is! Whoomp, there it is!

Jake - I love this song! Think we're far enough out of town, fellas?

Tom - Let's give it a shot.

(Jake pulls off the road and the three of them get the squirrel trap out of the back seat. Jake releases the squirrel back into the wild, while the other two watch.)

Jake - Bye, little fella. It was nothing personal.

Jeffy - Boy, this would be a great place to play paint-ball.

Tom - Or go camping.

Jake - Or build a fort!

Jeffy - Hey, my dad used to take us to a go-kart track right down the road from here!

Jake & Tom - No way! All right!

(Back to the Morgendorffer dining room, where Daria is finishing her dinner as Quinn walks in.)

Quinn - Where is everyone?

Daria - Apparently it takes three people to return a squirrel to it's natural habitat.

Quinn - (taking a seat) Tom went too?

Daria - I guess part of me always knew that someday he'd return to the wild.

Quinn - Daria, do you ever think that maybe guys and girls aren't meant to understand each other? Like it's all part of some big unfunny joke on us that we'll be struggling with for the rest of our lives? (spots the vegetable tray) Oh look, celery stalks.

(Daria smiles her Mona Lisa smile.)

(Shot changes to the go-kart track. Jake, Jeffy, and Tom are tearing up the track, having a great time)

Jeffy - You're mine now, Mr. Morgendorffer!

Tom - Say your prayers, Jeffy-lube!

Jake - Yahoo! Yeah!

(closing credits)