(opening theme song)

(in Ms. Defoe's class)

Brittany - Jane, your picture's full of bloody people! That's not a still life!

Jane - Sure it is. The blood's the reason they're so still.

Kevin - Blood? Cool! Hey, Jane, paint something with blood on my canvas. And maggots!

Jane - Sorry, sport boy. These itty-bitty canvases just don't do it for me. How I long for a medium grand enough to do justice to my inner torment!

Ms. Li - (enters) Good morning, students. Where is your instructor?

Brittany - She went to the ladies' room.

Ms. Li - (into tape recorder) 10:25, Defoe leaves post without clearance for personal business. Initiate investigation. (to class) Anyway, I just dropped in to caution you that the school dance is in two weeks, and security is going to be especially tight. So, if anyone is thinking of rigging a bucket of pig's blood to the rafters, well, they can just forget it. (leaves)

Daria - There goes my weekend.

(in the hallway)

Kevin - The dance is going to be cool.

Brittany - (smacks Kevin) You callous oaf!

Kevin - Ow! What?

Brittany - Did you forget the last dance, when I caught you making out with Zoe?!

Kevin - For the 50th time, babe, I was fixing her nose ring!

Brittany - What do you think, I'm stupid and stuff?

Kevin - Hey, I've already told you, smart doesn't matter with a body like mine... I mean yours.

Brittany - Hmph! For your information, there are plenty of guys who think I'm pretty and smart!

Daria - You can visit them at the Cedars of Lawndale head injury ward.

Brittany - Ooh, I'm sick of this! Maybe it's time I find someone who really appreciates me!

Kevin - Maybe I should find someone who really appreciates me!

Jane - Hello, Mom?

Brittany - Then you just go ahead and do that because it's, it's over! And this time I mean it! (leaves)

Kevin - Oh, yeah? It's double over for me! (leaves)

Jane - You don't really think...

Daria - Forget it. That species mates for life.

(in Mr. O'Neill's class)

(bell rings)

Mr. O'Neill - Now remember, your Hemingway essays are due in one week. And this time, Stacy, it's Ernest, not Mariel.

Stacy - Sorry.

Mr. O'Neill - Oh, um, class, before you go, we're still looking for someone to head the dance committee. Remember, to volunteer is to say "I care."

Sandi - Dance committee... (shivers)

(flashback)

Young Sandi - I'll never work on another dance again! They expect you to do stuff, and now everything's messed up and the whole school's going to blame me. Plus, I haven't even had time to find sandals to go with my new halter dress!

Young Linda - Sandi, I warned you. To volunteer is to say, "use me."

(present)

Tiffany - Sandi, are you okay?

Sandi - Gee, Quinn, I think you should volunteer. You have such good taste.

Quinn - Um, but you have even better taste, Sandi. You should volunteer.

Sandi - I know, why don't you take the job and appoint the Fashion Club as your committee? Of course, if you don't think we're up to it then just say so.

Quinn - Um, okay, I guess. Mr. O'Neill, I'll head the dance committee.

Mr. O'Neill - Really? Great! Get ready to work like you've never worked before!

Quinn - Oh, I'll have the Fashion Club to help me. Right, guys? Guys?

(in the hallway)

Brittany - I've had it! Kevin and I are finally over for good!

Angie - Is it over-over, like the time he got you a football for your birthday, or just over, like the time he thought your goldfish needed air?

Brittany - No, this time it's really over-over. And as fellow cheerleaders, you have to swear on a stack of pompoms not to go to the dance with that two-timing, scum of the earth, Kevin.

All - We solemnly swear not to go to the dance with that two-timing, scum of the earth, Kevin. Yay, team!

(in the hallway)

Kevin - So it's agreed. No one asks Brittany to the dance. We're men; we got to stick together. We show them who's boss.

(everyone agrees)

Quinn - (walks past) Hi.

(Three J's run after Quinn)

Kevin - Yo, guys! Guys!

(at Daria's house)

Quinn - So I said maybe we should get a velvet rope and hire a bouncer to keep out, you know, the undesirable elements.

Jake - I remember those dances. You want to talk about humiliation? The one time I had a date she stood me up for Mr. Campus Hot Stuff. Oh, but I showed her! I went anyway! How I wanted to wring her little...!

Helen - Daria, are you going to the dance?

Quinn - Of course she's not going. Only a loser would go to a dance without a date.

Jake - School dances suck! (stabs mashed potatoes)

Helen - Jake! Here, make a guest house. (spoons potatoes onto plate)

Jake - All right!

(doorbell chimes)

Quinn - Don't anybody move.

Jake - Charity bloodsuckers!

Daria - No, it's the fashion bloodsuckers.

Quinn - Everyone, please remain in your seats until my guests and I are all safely upstairs. Thank you. (leaves)

Jake - How come Quinn never introduces us to her friends?

Daria - Why don't you ask the little people who live in your potatoes?

(Helen sighs)

(in Quinn's bedroom)

Quinn - So I was thinking, since we'll all be wearing designer dresses, we should have a fashion show theme. The dance floor could be on a runway and everyone could watch us from the sidelines.

Stacy - That's a great idea!

Tiffany - Yeah, really great, Quinn.

Sandi - Yes, if you want to make a mockery of the runway by having the visually unacceptable waddle all over it.

Tiffany - Oh, yeah.

Stacy - Oh, right.

Quinn - Okay, then... maybe since we're all wearing bronze, gold and copper dresses, we should have a bronze, gold and copper dance!

Tiffany - Oh, yeah.

Stacy - That's cool.

Sandi - Great. Then everyone will know what we're wearing ahead of time, so no one will be surprised.

Tiffany - Ooh, she has a point.

Quinn - Gee, Sandi, since you don't like any of my ideas, maybe there's something you'd like to do.

Sandi - I think we should decorate the gym like the inside of the Concorde.

Quinn - Um, it's a cute idea and everything, but I'm not sure there would be much room to dance, and...

Sandi - Gee, Quinn, if you're not going to listen to ideas from your own dance committee, maybe you should just plan the dance alone.

Quinn - Don't be silly...

Sandi - So now I'm silly?

Quinn - I meant, it would be silly for me to plan the dance alone when I have such a talented committee. I know the four of us can come up with something really fun!

Sandi - But I already did come up with something really fun.

Quinn - But it's just... well, not practical.

Sandi - Maybe I should just have my own party, since you obviously think I'm postal.

Quinn - I don't think you're postal!

Sandi - Come on. I know a really nice insane asylum.

Stacy - Sandi, I think what Quinn meant is... (Sandi glares) Eep!

Quinn - But I need you guys!

Sandi - Then next time, maybe you'll act like it.

Tiffany - Sorry, Quinn.

(Sandi, Stacy and Tiffany leave)

Quinn - Wait! Uh!

(in the hallway)

Kevin - So, Angie, want to go to the dance with the Q.B.? I'll drive.

Angie - No thanks, Kevin. I've got plans that night to... um, read a newspaper. (leaves)

Kevin - Hmm... okay! (in come-on tone) Hey, Quinn...

Quinn - (walks past) Not now.

Kevin - Um, Daria? Can I ask you a personal question?

Daria - No.

Kevin - See, normally, I have no trouble in, you know, the babe department. But now, they're treating me like I'm on the honor roll or something.

Jane - Kids can be so cruel.

Kevin - I can't get one cheerleader to go to the dance with me. I don't get it.

Jane - Maybe you're losing your looks.

Daria - Or maybe you're losing your mind.

Kevin - You think I'm losing my looks?

Jane - A face-lift will fix you right up.

Daria - Why do you have to go to the dance with a cheerleader?

Kevin - It's not to make Brittany jealous, if that's what you think.

Jane - I'm convinced.

Daria - Cheer up. I'm sure there are plenty of non-cheerleaders who would be happy to waste three hours of their lives at a dance with you.

Kevin - Oh, wait. I see where this is going. Hey, Daria, no offense, but no way. I mean, what are you thinking?

Daria - Huh?

Kevin - Gotta go. (leaves)

Jane - (shouts) But what about the baby?!!

(in Mr. O'Neill's classroom)

Mr. O'Neill - (into mirror) Um, Ms. Barch? Janet? May I call you Janet? No? Oh, okay. Ms. Barch...

Quinn - Hi.

Mr. O'Neill - Eep!

Quinn - I just wanted to tell you, um, my great-aunt Audrey died two days ago and I'm too upset to head the dance committee. You know, death and all. Okay, gotta go.

Mr. O'Neill - Quinn, wait. If there's anything I can do to help you through this time of bereavement...

Quinn - All right! So I don't have a great-aunt Audrey. Sandi, Stacy and Tiffany deserted me and no one else will help and I can't plan the dance all by myself!

Mr. O'Neill - I see. You must be feeling a lot of teenage stress to make up such a fanciful story.

Quinn - So I'm off the hook?

Mr. O'Neill - Quinn, I've got a solution. I will be your dance committee!

Quinn - Ewww! Fine! I'll find a new committee. (moans and leaves)

Mr. O'Neill - (into mirror) Janet, please, don't think me forward or randy by asking you this, but...

(at Pizza King)

Brittany - So, anyway, I really love to dance. Of course, the best place to dance is at a dance. Do you like to dance?

Football Player - Um, sure. (sees Kevin) I mean, no. No, no, no... no. (runs off)

Brittany - (to Jodie) I can't believe it. No one has asked me to the dance! Am I losing my looks?

Andrea - (walks past) They're gaining their senses.

Brittany - What?

Jodie - Brittany, I completely disapprove of this ridiculous fight with Kevin.

Brittany - Oh...

Jodie - But if you insist on teaching the big idiot a lesson, why not ask Robert to the dance?

Brittany - But he's at DisneyWorld with his family till next Friday!

Jodie - So he doesn't know about any of this. That's why he'll say yes, see?

Brittany - Wow! Jodie, no wonder you're an honor student!

Jodie - Yeah, all that note-taking and studying is just to kill time between my friends' romantic crises.

Brittany - You ought to try watching TV. (leaves)

Mack - Hey, what's she so happy about?

Jodie - Nuttin', honey.

Quinn - Hi, guys.

(guys greet Quinn eagerly)

Quinn - I was wondering if you could do me a teensy-weensy favor.

Guys - I can do it. No problem!

Quinn - Great! I need help planning the dance.

Jeffy - (clears throat) Quinn, we'd like to help but, uh, you know... we're guys.

Guys - Hey, Sandi.

Sandi - Gee, I hope everyone here isn't too busy to come to the party I'm having while my parents are out of town.

Guys - (cheering) Yeah, we're there!

Sandi - Quinn, I just want to say that I'm really sorry about our fight. I don't even care who was at fault. I just hope you're not still mad.

Quinn - I could never stay mad at you, Sandi.

Sandi - Good. So you'll be at my party next Saturday. I mean, it wouldn't be the same without you, Quinn.

Guys - (chanting) Saturday, Saturday, Saturday!

Quinn - Saturday? But that's the same night as the dance.

Guys - (chanting) Dance, dance, dance!

Sandi - You're kidding! I forgot all about the dance. Gee, that's too, too bad. I mean, I can't un-order all that free pizza.

Guys - Pizza? Cool!

Quinn - Well, I can't un-order, um, the free soda and tacos I was going to order.

Guys - Tacos? All right!

Sandi - Outdoor turbo-jet hot tub.

Quinn - Preferred seating for the popular.

Sandi - Green Bay on big screen!

Quinn - D.J. on dance floor!

Sandi - Miniskirt!

Quinn - Strapless!

Both - (to guys) Well?!!

Jeffy - My head hurts!

Jamie - Mine, too.

Joey - Oh, man!

(guys groan)

(at Daria's house)

SSW Announcer - What deadly new diseases can you pick up by sitting down? Toilet seat terror next, on Sick, Sad World.

Daria - Need someone to count it for you?

Quinn - A hundred dollars. It's yours. All you have to do is be my dance committee.

Daria - Put away the cash; I'll do it for free.

Quinn - You will?!

Daria - Sure. And after that, we can play Mystery Date and have a taffy pull.

Quinn - (dramatically) My own flesh and blood, Daria. My own flesh and blood.

Jane - Not so fast.

Daria - What?

Jane - What's the budget? You know, for food, music... decorations?

Quinn - A thousand dollars... well, minus this discretionary fund.

Jane - The time has come to reach out and bond with my fellow classmates. Organizing a dance is the best way to say "Jane Lane wants to be your friend."

Quinn - Whatever. Let's divide everything up. This is what you're responsible for.

Jane - Decorations, furniture rentals, food, music. You're in charge of, uh...?

Quinn - Lots of things. Any questions?

Jane - How many people...?

Quinn - Oops, date's here. Gotta go! (leaves)

Daria - Does this have any connection with that big art piece you want to do?

Jane - A thousand dollars can buy a lot of paint.

Daria - But what about our dancing classmates?

Jane - Ah, put this aside for a bag of chips and a boombox.

(in Mr. O'Neill's classroom)

Mr. O'Neill - Now, um, Janet, I know that you're... Jane! Thank you for stopping by.

Jane - (sleepy) Sorry, late. No sleep two days. (collapses on desk)

Mr. O'Neill - By the way, did Quinn give you my list of suggestions?

Jane - (sleepy) Who?

Mr. O'Neill - I just thought a dramatic reading would be a nice break. You know, in between all the "rocking out"...

(Jane snores)

(at the dance)

Mr. O'Neill - Um, Janet... I mean, Miss Janet. Ooh! No! That is...

Ms. Barch - Come on, skinny, let's dance!

Jodie - See how the hands grip the steering wheel, like he still thinks he could drive his way out of it?

Mack - Yeah. Maybe he could if his arms were attached.

Daria - I hate to tell you this, but your conceptual piece is a big hit.

Jane - Couldn't just let me enjoy the moment, could you? Althought I am impressed you braved a high school dance to support the arts.

Daria - I've come, I've seen, let's go.

Upchuck - And now, ladies, take your man by the hand and climb aboard the roller-coaster to love. (growls)

Daria - You made Upchuck the deejay?

Jane - I figured it was best to keep him out of circulation. Plus, he had all the right qualifications.

Daria - He volunteered.

Jane - Bingo.

(Quinn enters with Corey and another guy)

Quinn - I can't believe Mr. O'Neill said he'd give me detention if I didn't come to this stupid dance. I mean, have you seen the way people dress in detention?

(both agree with Quinn)

Quinn - Oh, no! What did she do to the gym? Guys, I'm really thirsty. Can you get me some punch now? (to Jane) What's this about?

Jane - Being young, carefree, having your whole life ahead of you and dancing the night away to celebrate. Oh, and the untimely death of Jackson Pollock.

Quinn - Great! Some friend of yours bites it in a car crash and you take it out on me. My life is over, okay?

Daria - You've done well.

Corey - Cool decorations, Quinn.

Quinn - Really?

Guy - Yeah. You're a really good painter.

Quinn - Thanks! Come on, let's dance.

Corey - Which one of us?

Quinn - Both, silly!

Upchuck - And if you luscious lovelies out there are wondering what effect you have on Charles Ruttheimer III why... you make me want to shout!

Jane - She's gonna take all the credit, isn't she?

Daria - It's the thing she does best. That, and avoiding lipstick teeth.

Brittany - Doesn't Robert look handsome tonight?

Mack - Stunning.

Robert - Thank you, ma'am.

Brittany - So, where's Kevin? Not that I care.

Jodie - He's at Sandi's party.

Brittany - (whimpers) Come, Robert, let us dance!

Robert - Yes, ma'am.

(at Sandi's house)

TV Announcer - And so, while the Broncos remain snowbound outside Denver International Airport, we're pleased to bring you this encore presentation of "50 Years of Off-Broadway Choreography."

Jamie - (turns TV off) Guys, this, um, uh...

Jeffy - Sucks?

Jamie - Yeah.

Joey - Hey Sandi, is Quinn coming over?

Kevin - And where's Brittany? Not that I care.

Sandi - I believe they're at the dance. You know, with the losers. Now, who wants to try out those new jets in my hot tub?

Jeffy - Um, I'll go change.

(guys sneak out)

(at the dance)

Girl - They look terrible out there.

Angie - We have to tell her for her own good.

Brittany - Isn't Robert a dreamy dancer? Much better than Kevin.

Angie - Brittany, honey... (whispering) your date dances like a big geek and I thought you should know.

(Brittany squeals and runs off)

Jane - Uh-oh. We've been spotted.

Daria - Well, I don't feel like talking to anyone.

Jane - That's a shocker. Don't worry, I'll get rid of them.

Brad - Hi. Cool decorations, huh?

Jane - Have a seat.

Daria - That's telling them.

Brad - I'm Brad, and this is my brother, Brett. We're from Cumberland High.

Jane - What are you doing here?

Brett - We travel around on weekends trying to find a high school more screwed up than ours.

Jane - And?

Brad - Congratulations. Your trophy will arrive in six to ten business days.

Upchuck - Now let's slow things down so we can heat things up, if you get my drift. (growls)

(Quinn's dates both try to slow dance with her)

Quinn - Ewww! (pushes them away) Get your big, sweaty hands off of me! I don't slow dance until after the fifth date. (runs outside)

Jeffy - Hi, Quinn. Want to dance?

Joey - Dance with me first!

Quinn - How come you guys aren't at Sandi's party?

Jamie - It, um...

Joey - Sucked.

Jamie - Sucked.

Quinn - Gee, that's too, too bad.

Robert - I'm sorry you're not feeling well, ma'am. Are you hungry ? Can I drive you anywhere? Uh, how about...

Brittany - Thanks, Robert, but I just want to go home.

Robert - I got you the wrong color corsage, didn't i? (Kevin drives up) If the chocolates were too chocolate, just tell me.

(Brittany grabs Robert in a lip-lock)

Brett - You know, we really should say something about that guacamole on the floor before someone else sprains their ankle.

Daria - Yeah, we really should.

Jane - Mmm.

Brad - So, I was reading this book on Jeffrey Dahmer...

(in the parking lot)

Robert - Hey, Kevin! (Kevin grabs Robert) Oof!

Kevin - No one messes with my girlfriend but me! Die!

(Kevin and Robert begin fighting)

Quinn - Boy, those guys must really like Brittany a lot to fight over her.

Jamie - Hey! What's the big idea taking Quinn to the dance?

Joey - Yeah, that's our job!

(Three J's begin fighting with Corey and Quinn's other date)

Quinn - Oh, dear.

(at Sandi's house)

Sandi - Where are all the guys? I mean, how long does it take them to change?

Tiffany - I heard a bunch of cars leaving earlier.

Sandi - Well, why didn't you say anything?!

Tiffany - I figured they belonged to a really big family.

Stacy - Ew, look! I'm getting all pruney!

Sandi - Stacy, that is so unattractive. I can't believe you even showed me. Come on, let's change and go to the dance... unless Stacy has something else really gross to show us.

(Sandi pulls on locked door while Sam and Chris watch TV)

(at the dance)

Brad - So, you guys want to go to Joe's Diner? The food's inedible and one of the waiters is a schizophrenic.

Jane - Think we can we get in?

Brett - Cool. Let me tell Chuck so he can meet up with us later.

Daria - Wait, you're friends with Upchuck?

Brad - He's our cousin. We came to see his D.J. act.

(Brett growls like Upchuck)

Jane - Um, I think I have to be somewhere...

Daria - I just remembered an appointment on the other side of town...

(Jane and Daria retreat)

(in the parking lot)

Brittany - Oh, Kevvy, I only kissed Robert to get even with you for kissing Zoe, it didn't mean anything, and now I know you do love me and you really mean it when you say smart doesn't matter, although I think I'm smarter than you think I am, although I know I'm not smarter than the really smart-smart people, so I forgive you! Kevvy? Kevvy?

(Kevin mumbles)

Paramedic - Son, I wouldn't try to talk with that broken jaw.

Brittany - A broken jaw? For me? (kisses Kevin)

(Kevin screams)

(walking home from the dance)

Daria - Let's do the math one more time. Your dance decorations were a huge hit.

Jane - Plus.

Daria - But my sister managed to take complete credit for them.

Jane - Minus.

Daria - We hung out with a couple of guys who weren't so bad.

Jane - Plus.

Daria - But they turned out to be carriers of the dreaded Ruttheimer gene.

Jane - Big minus.

Daria - So, we're more or less even on the night.

Jane - Darn. And it came so close to turning out semi-decent.

(snow begins to fall)

Sandi - (pounds on door) Come on, you little punk, open up! Open this door! You little brat!

Tiffany - Oh, my God, let us in! Hello?

(Stacy whimpers)

Both - Plus!