(opening theme song)

(in gym class)

Ms. Morris - (blows whistle) Okay, ladies, listen up. Since it's "Focus on Agility" month, for the rest of the class, I want you all to work on your cartwheels, splits and aerials. Brittany, that's a perfect split.

Brittany - Thanks, Ms. Morris. Whoa... (falls on face)

Daria - Funny how all the drills for "Focus on Agility" month are the same ones you'd do if you were trying to sneak a cheerleader practice into regular gym class.

Jane - Yes, and I don't intend to stand for it. They can have my squat-thrusts when they pry them from my cold, dead hands.

Daria - What?

Jane - I don't know.

(Evan enters, Jane smirks appreciatively)

Daria - See something you like or just browsing?

Jane - I'm thinking about getting those running shoes.

Daria - Uh-huh. What color were they?

Jane - Just kick the bleachers out from underneath me, okay?

(Ms. Morris approaches)

Daria - Uh-oh, busted.

Ms. Morris - Ladies. Why aren't you exercising with the rest of the class?

Jane - We are exercising.

Daria - We're exercising our right to abstain from cheerleader practice.

Ms. Morris - That's not cheerleading, it's agility. Jane Lane, you're just like your sisters, aren't you?

Jane - We share certain chromosome pairs. Beyond that, I'm not supposed to say.

Ms. Morris - You know what I mean. Can't be part of a group. Always have to be different. Your sister Penny never wanted to participate, either. I taught her a thing or two about the American competitive spirit.

Jane - You sure did. That's why she's spent the last ten years out of the country.

Ms. Morris - I know what kind of upbringing she's had. What's your excuse?

Daria - I'm just plain no good?

Ms. Morris - Life's just one big smartass joke, isn't it? Well, I'm here to prepare you for the real world. I'll see you both after school to make up this class.

Brittany - (muffled) Can somebody help me, please?

(in the school hallway)

Kevin - Yo, how come you look so down, Mack Daddy?

Mack - Don't call me that. I think I screwed up that ethics test today. How'd you do?

Kevin - Pretty good.

Mack - Wait a minute. You weren't even there today. You cut class on the day of a midterm?

Kevin - I was excused. I didn't have to take the test. Coach talked to the teacher, and I got by.

Mack - You mean you got "a bye."

Kevin - Yeah, that's it. Coach says I gotta maintain a "C" average to stay on the team, so he took care of it or something.

Mack - Hey, that's not fair. I'm on the team and I had to study.

Kevin - I'm the Q.B., Mack Daddy.

Mack - (angrily) I've told you a million times, don't call me that! When are you going to get it through your thick skull already? (leaves)

Kevin - If that's how you feel all you had to do was say so, bro. So, bro... what's wrong, bro?

(Mack groans)

Daria - Did you hear that?

Jane - Whoever said life was fair?

Daria - I don't know, but I'll bet he was a quarterback.

Jane - You know, I had this weird anxiety dream where we had this pop quiz in math that I was totally unprepared for.

Daria - Were you in your underwear?

Jane - No. That's how I figured out it wasn't a dream.

Daria - Uh-oh. Not a great score on the quiz?

Jane - My straight "C" average in math is now in serious danger of becoming a "D." So I'm off to study hall.

Daria - To finish your nap?

Jane - You know me too well. (leaves)

Kevin - Yo, bro, what's wrong? I'm here for you, bro. Hey, bro, wait up!

(at Daria's house)

Jake - Gee, Daria, you're home late from school today.

Daria - Quinn's always home this late.

Jake - Yeah, but that's because she's usually with some... oh, my gosh, Daria, you met a guy!

Daria - Actually, I'm late because I had to make up gym class.

Jake - Oh, you don't have to pretend with old Dad. Go on, tell me, who's the lucky fella? Gee, Daria, I hope he's not pressuring you to, uh, do... anything.

Daria - All right, you figured me out. He's a senior and he carves words into his arm. Together we're hoping to buck the odds against teen marriages.

Jake - (laughs) That's a good one, Daria.

Daria - I'm kidding.

Jake - Of course you are, kiddo. I knew that.

Daria - Oh. If someone named Knuckles calls, it's for me.

Helen - Daria, just getting home?

Daria - I had to make up gym.

Helen - Really? Why?

Daria - The teacher was running a cheerleading practice during class, so I sat out. I'm not going to jump like an idiot to prove to the world what I don't believe, which is that jocks are great.

Helen - Good for you, honey. The only way it will stop being a man's world is if we get the boys out there in their short shorts cheering, too. Mmm... What I mean is, this double standard has got to end, right, Jake?

Jake - Damn straight! Equal pay for equal work. Is that right?

Helen - Daria, I don't approve of refusing to participate in class, but no daughter of mine is going to buy into the mindset that a woman's purpose in life is pleasing men.

Quinn - Like my new shoes? They pinch my toes and give me blisters but they make my legs look hot so I'm going to buy another pair.

(at school)

Jane - So Helen actually supported you on this gym class thing?

Daria - Her vestigial sense of right and wrong was acting up again. What does your mother think about it?

Jane - I don't know. When she gets back from the painted desert I'll ask her if she had a vision. You know, I'd really like to show that Ms. Morris that the Lanes are no bunch of ordinary deadbeats.

Daria - Of course not. You're deadbeats with style.

Jane - Exactly, and speaking of style: fashion fiends at high noon.

(Fashion Club chuckles)

Sandi - Can you imagine joining an actual sport?

Stacy - You'd get all sweaty and your makeup would smudge.

Tiffany - You're supposed to date jocks, not be one.

Quinn - Oh, and I read in Waif that running makes your feet spread to a bigger shoe size, which would look really, really, really bad.

All - Ewww!

Sandi - How are your feet in those new shoes, Quinn?

Quinn - They're killing me.

Sandi - Oh... that's too bad. (beat) What kind of loser would sign up for the track team?

Evan - You girls don't think I'm a loser, do you?

Sandi - Are you asking if you can hang out with us?

Evan - Nope. I prefer women with a slightly more enlightened attitude toward fitness.

Sandi - Oh, yeah?

(Fashion Club leaves)

Evan - I guess you can be born in the '80s and still stuck in the '50s.

Jane - Mmm.

Evan - It's hard to believe there's anyone alive who still thinks being athletic isn't ladylike.

Jane - Mmm.

Evan - Women can excel at any sport they put their minds to.

Daria - I definitely agree with that.

Jane - Me, too. I'd like to sign up for the track team.

Daria - What?

(on the school track)

Ms. Morris - Miss Lane, what are you doing here?

Jane - Trying out for track team.

Ms. Morris - You won't participate in regular gym class, but you want to join an extracurricular sport?

Jane - I like to run.

Ms. Morris - Okay. Let's see if you're any good at it. (leaves)

Jane - I'd particularly like to run up and down your spine wearing track spikes.

Evan - She isn't your favorite teacher?

Jane - We have a score to settle.

Evan - I'm Evan, by the way.

Jane - Jane.

Evan - So, you think you're ready for track?

Jane - Yeah. I figure if the people suck I can always wear headphones.

Evan - I'm way ahead of you.

Jane - Until we get out there.

(in the school hallway)

Daria - You walking home?

Jane - Um, not today. Practice.

Daria - So you made the track team?

Jane - Yeah. (beat) This is the part where you say, "Hey, way to go, congratulations."

Daria - (flatly) Hey, way to go.

Jane - Congratulations...?

Daria - (flatly) Congratulations.

Jane - Now, don't get mushy on me.

(at Daria's house)

SSW Announcer - Are microbes having sex in your drinking water? H-2-aooh! next, on Sick, Sad World.

Daria - Jane. On a school team. That's pathetic. Hey, if she's the pathetic one, why am I talking to myself? (Helen overhears) And more importantly, why am I waiting for a reply?

(in the living room)

Sandi - Quinn, it is so great of you to invite us over to watch the Miss Continents of the Earth Pageant.

Quinn - Oh, Sandi, it's so great of you to come over.

(Daria comes downstairs)

Tiffany - Quinn, your cousin or whatever sure spends a lot of time at your house.

Quinn - Yes, well, um, she has nowhere else to go, what with her parents being in jail and all.

Tiffany - Look, it's starting.

Daria - Shouldn't you all be running around in teddies and giving each other makeovers by now?

(applause from TV)

Sandi - Mustard is not her color.

(microwave beeps)

Quinn - Oh, the no-salt, no-oil, fat-free popcorn is ready.

Stacy - Popcorn?

Tiffany - Yum.

Daria - Stop, my mouth is watering.

(girls go into kitchen)

Daria - Oh, yeah, I know I like to wear heels with my bathing suit. (Helen overhears) And I never go swimming without my lip liner.

(in the kitchen)

Helen - Quinn, I need to ask you something.

Quinn - All right, so Tuesday night I wasn't washing cars for the United Way, but Mom, if you'd seen his boyish smile you'd understand.

Helen - Actually, I wanted to ask you to spend some time with your sister.

Quinn - Why don't you just lock me in the attic till I'm 25? I can't sacrifice any more for her, Mother, I just can't.

Helen - Quinn, I'm worried. She's alone too much and I think she's talking to herself. Just give her an afternoon. She'd do it for you.

Quinn - Should I agree to perform this sensitive and difficult task -- and I'm not saying I will -- what's in it for me?

Helen - I am disappointed that it's come to this, but... you can take my credit card to the mall.

Quinn - Platinum?

Helen - Green.

Quinn - Gold.

Helen - Done.

(at Daria's bedroom)

(Quinn knocks on door)

Daria - (out loud, to herself) Someone's knocking. (to Quinn) Come in.

Quinn - Hi, Daria, how's it going?

Daria - Okay. Out with it.

Quinn - I was thinking that you and I could... you know, do something together.

Daria - All right, who are you, and where are you hiding Quinn?

Quinn - What? Can't a sister spend time with her...

Daria - Cousin?

Quinn - All right, Mom is forcing me to hang out with you.

Daria - Forcing?

Quinn - I've got her gold card.

Daria - Why didn't you say so? Give me the first cash advance and you can come with me to the library.

Quinn - The library? If anyone saw me there, I'd die.

Daria - Okay, then, how about the mall? You know, where your friends hang out.

(at the public library)

Quinn - Um, hi.

Boy #1 - Will you read to me?

Boy #2 - I really like stories.

Boy #3 - You don't have to tell me a story. Just talk.

Quinn - So Jack and Jill went up the hill or whatever to the sample sale, where Jill found the perfect ensemble and Jack gave it to her for the one-month anniversary of their first date.

Calvin - Hey, Quinn. I just came by to pick up my little brother from story hour. I didn't know you were a reader.

Quinn - Um, hi, Calvin. I'm not actually...

Calvin - That's really cool. I mean, you're popular; you don't have to volunteer.

Quinn - Oh, well, you know, I get back more than I give. I mean, the children appreciate it so. Uh, librarian... could you return these magazines for me? Thanks a bunch, dear. So, where are you guys headed now? (leaves with Calvin)

Daria - "Thin Thighs For Your Man." But I don't like men with thin thighs.

(in the school hallway)

Daria - Land that big sneaker endorsement yet?

Jane - Nah, they wouldn't meet my price. Today's our first track meet. I wouldn't mind if you were there.

Daria - Oh. Well, you know how I hate to cancel my line-dancing lesson... but okay.

Jane - Cool. (leaves)

Daria - The question is, am I supporting my friend or her surrender to the system? (Andrea closes locker) Do you mind? This is a private conversation.

(at the school track)

Trent - Hey, Daria.

Daria - Trent? What are you doing here?

Trent - I came to support Janey. (beat) They're power-scrubbing my room again. Anyway, this running stuff means lot to her.

Daria - Uh-huh.

Trent - What she's doing takes guts. All that practicing, day in, day out.

Daria - Yeah.

Trent - And what for? So a crowd of drunks can make your art the backdrop to their pathetic mating dance? They don't care about your dream. They just want something loud going on so they don't have to talk.

Daria - Um, we're not discussing Jane anymore, are we?

(Ms. Morris blows whistle)

(runners begin running, with Jane out in front)

Mack - Hey, Jane's good.

Jodie - She's great!

(cheering and applause)

Daria - (flatly) Go, go, kick butt.

(at Pizza King)

Daria - And you missed a lot of really good TV while you were at those practices. The other day, they had this special, When Animals Hold a Grudge.

Jodie - Jane, you were amazing. First place?

Mack - Yeah, congratulations.

Jane - Thanks, I just pretend I'm running away from a pep rally.

Kevin - Yo, bro!

Mack - Gotta go. (Mack and Jodie leave)

Daria - So anyway, this one parakeet was really ticked off at its owner for not changing its water...

Evan - Hey, teammate. Did you see this girl run like the wind?

Daria - Have you ever heard her break wind?

Jane - Daria!

Evan - (chuckling) That's pretty funny. See you at practice, speedy. (leaves)

Daria - So anyway, the parakeet waits until its owner...

Jane - Jeez, Daria, what the hell was that about?

Daria - What?

Kevin - Hey, hey, hey, it's the track star. You're gonna like being a jock, man. When you're a winner, everybody wants to be your friend.

Daria - Not like those boring friends you had who liked you even when you lost.

Jane - You mean the ones who made incredibly humiliating jokes at my expense?

Daria - Oh, come on.

Jane - You come on, Daria. So, I tried something different. I went out on a limb and participated in something and it worked out. Why do you have to be so pissy about it? (leaves)

Kevin - Uh, babe, this is really awkward, right?

Brittany - Yeah, babe.

Kevin - It's creeping me out!

Brittany - Oh, Kevvy, come on. Nurse Brittany gonna make you feel all better. (Kevin and Brittany leave)

(Daria dumps soda on her pizza)

(montage: track meet, crowd cheering, Jane wins again)

(in gym class)

Daria - All right, so I thought I was making a joke, but I was really humiliating you in front of this guy you like...

Jane - Appreciate.

Daria - This guy you appreciate, which was stupid and insensitive. So I'm an idiot and I'm sorry. Okay?

Jane - Not so fast. How do I know this is a sincere apology and not a cheap ploy to get back on my good side?

Daria - Why does there have to be a difference?

Jane - I accept.

Daria - Thank you. Pizza after school?

Jane - Wish I could. Practice.

(Ms. Morris approaches)

Daria - I guess we'd better join the rest of the cheerleaders before we get detention again.

Jane - Don't worry about it.

Daria - What do you mean?

Ms. Morris - How are the legs, Jane?

Jane - Okay. Maybe a little sore after the meet.

Ms. Morris - Sore? You better rest up for tomorrow. Here, go watch TV in my office.

Jane - I don't know. I-I don't really want to be all by myself...

Ms. Morris - Ms. Morgendorffer, you join her. (leaves)

Daria - Yes, ma'am. Anything for the team, ma'am. (beat) So that's your archenemy.

Jane - You think it's hypocritical of me to accept favors from a woman I despise?

Daria - Does she have cable?

Jane - Let's find out.

(Brittany falls on her face, whimpers)

(at Daria's house)

Daria - (out loud, to herself) Oh, they're eating dinner. Should I sit down and join them or fake a headache? (to family) I'm not feeling too well. I think I'll eat later. (leaves)

Quinn - Oh, boy, cuckoo girl is at it again.

Helen - I'm really worried. She's been acting this way for days.

Jake - It's that guy, Knuckles! I tell you, he's messing with her head!

Helen - Quinn, I thought you were going to spend some time with your sister.

Quinn - Oh, yeah, here.

Helen - What's this?

Quinn - Well, that one is my time sheet showing the hours and locations where I baby-sat Daria. And that other one is a receipt for my new pleather jacket. Thanks.

Jake - $300?!

Quinn - Dad, it's very difficult to keep her amused. Oh, and when the cash advance shows up on the statement? Don't blame me -- that's Daria's.

(in the school hallway)

Daria - How'd the math test go?

Jane - I passed.

Daria - You hope.

Jane - I know.

Daria - Well, aren't we confident. If I had as much trouble wi... (beat) You got a bye on the test, didn't you?

Jane - I probably would have gotten a "C" anyway.

Daria - I can't believe it!

Jane - Hey, you watched TV with me instead of going to gym.

Daria - So?

Jane - So, that was one perk of being on the team. The math test was another.

Daria - You don't see any difference?

Jane - Yeah, the math test was a hell of a lot better.

Daria - Give me a break. (leaves)

Evan - What's up with your friend?

Jane - Oh, I rubbed her self-righteousness the wrong way.

Evan - I don't know why you hang out with her.

Jane - What do you mean?

Evan - Well, you're sort of a sports star now. It's not so cool to be hanging around with... you know, losers.

Jane - Yeah, you're right. I've been spending too much time with losers. (leaves)

Evan - I'm glad you... see it my way.

(Jane enters Ms. Morris' office)

(at Daria's house)

(Daria paces in her bedroom)

Daria - Admit it, she had a point. Who am I to criticize her when I was getting spillover perks? God, I wish she'd just quit that damn team. It's corrupting me.

(knock at bedroom door)

Daria - I'll get it.

Jane - Yo, it's me.

Daria - (opens door) Act natural. You're not hurt.

Jane - What?

Daria - Huh?

Jane - Look, I've been thinking and... you're right. It was really screwed up of me to take a bye on that math test. I should have gone in there and failed it on my own.

Daria - They gave you the chance to cut a corner. I can't blame you for taking it.

Jane - This all happened because I was trying to prove to Ms. Morris that I'm not a deadbeat.

Daria - And that Evan guy factors in exactly how?

Jane - That jerk? I can't believe you thought he was cute.

Daria - Yeah. Aren't I a dope? Hey, don't you have practice now?

Jane - Yeah. I quit.

Daria - What?

Jane - I quit. I'm afraid I might come out of high school knowing as much as Kevin.

Daria - You came out of kindergarten knowing more than Kevin.

Jane - Remind me of that when he gets his football scholarship.

(in the school hallway)

(Jane closes locker, sees crowd gathered)

Jane - Um... I'll bring the spikes back tomorrow. Honest.

Ms. Morris - Jane, I wish you would consider coming back to the team.

(all agree)

Jane - Thanks, but I stand by my decision.

Ms. Morris - Jane, I wish you would consider coming back to the team.

Jane - Am I missing something?

Ms. Morris - The team needs you, and you need the team... if you don't want to be here taking math again this summer.

Jane - Gee, that almost sounds like blackmail. Fortunately, I can pull up my math grade on my own.

Ms. Morris - Then I'll flunk you.

Jane - Why don't I go to Ms. Li and expose this grade-changing arrangement?

Ms. Morris - She already knows.

Jane - Okay, then, back off or I'll tell the P.T.A.

Ms. Morris - They know, too.

Jane - Congress?

Ms. Morris - You're beaten, Lane.

Jane - How about if I call the three local TV stations and tell each one that the other two are running the story?

Ms. Morris - Damn. (crowd leaves)

Evan - I really don't get you.

Jane - No. You don't. (puts on headphones)

(at Daria's house)

Daria - What happened to your come-and-get-it heels?

Quinn - Ha-ha, Daria. I decided I shouldn't wear shoes that kill me just because they make my legs look hot.

Helen - Why, Quinn, how mature.

Quinn - I mean, my legs look hot no matter what I wear. They'd probably even look good in those things you have on.

Helen - Mmm?

(in gym class)

Daria - I didn't think things could get any more pathetic, but obviously I was wrong.

(Daria and Jane unenthusiastically do cheerleading drills)

Ms. Morris - Come on, ladies. You've got a lot of work to make up. (claps)

Jane - Tell me that at least I have my integrity.

Daria - Integrity is a funny word.

Jane - Well, then, at least tell me I'm marginally less corrupt than the jocks.

Daria - You refused to participate in a crooked system where good grades are exchanged for athletic performance. But you didn't try to reform the system, either.

Jane - For fear of complete teenage exile.

Daria - Right. So the system continues, you haven't redeemed yourself, and we're ostracized anyway.

Jane - Come on, now, stop trying to paint a rosy picture.

Daria - You know what?

Jane - What?

Daria - They really are preparing us for the real world.

Brittany - Daria! Jane! Come on! It's time for splits! (falls on face) Ow!