(opening theme song)

(at the school library)

(water drips on Daria's notebook; thunder rumbles)

(Kevin and Brittany enter)

Brittany - Wow, look at this place. I wonder what it is.

Kevin - I think it's the library, babe.

(more water drips; Daria packs up and leaves)

(Kevin and Brittany make out; books fall onto them)

Brittany - Ouch!

(roof collapses)

(in Ms. Li's office)

Mrs. Bennett - I could have sworn I had money budgeted for a new roof -- under capital improvements.

Ms. Li - Oh, well. Everyone makes mistakes.

Mrs. Bennett - Is that a polygraph machine?

Ms. Li - Yes! Uh, I... won it in a raffle.

Mrs. Bennett - I don't know where we'll get the money for repairs. A fund-raiser, I guess. Boogie Bash '70s Revival Night?

Ms. Li - We can't. Someone stole the disco ball. No, we'll have to come up with something that truly captures the spirit of student life at Lawndale High.

(in Mr. O'Neill's class)

Mr. O'Neill - Now, why do you think it is that Tolstoy felt he had to make War and Peace so darned... unpleasant? Daria?

Daria - So no one would pester him to do a sequel?

Mr. O'Neill - Hmm.

(Ms. Li enters)

Ms. Li - Good morning, young people. I have a very sad announcement. The library will be closed until further notice.

Daria - Great. There goes the only place I can go to be alone.

Jane - Oh, you know that's not true.

Ms. Li - To raise money for repairs, the school will be presenting a medieval fair, simulating life in the middle ages.

Kevin - Yeah!

Ms. Li - Volunteers are desperately needed. Those who refuse to volunteer must voluntarily purchase a ticket for ten dollars or voluntarily face suspension. Have a nice day. (leaves)

Daria - That may be the stupidest thing I've ever heard of.

Jane - I know. We gotta go.

(in the hallway)

Brittany - Babe, this is very important to me. The Cadbury Tales are, like, classic, and I think I'd be great in the play. Just do the audition with me.

Kevin - Oh, babe...

Brittany - Because nobody plays a love scene like you, Kevvy.

Kevin - Oh...

Brittany - Now, go practice.

Kevin - Yes, ma'am. Break! (runs off)

Brittany - Your lines!

Quinn - Wow, where's he going?

Brittany - We're going to be in a play together at the medieval fair.

Quinn - Oh. That's nice.

Brittany - We'll be the most popular ones there.

(at Daria's house)

Quinn - So I thought, if I have to volunteer anyway, I might as well do something that challenges me as a teen and maybe bring some joy into the drab lives of others who are less popular. So, they'll have this dinner theater with a play by this guy, Ken Barry, and I'm going to audition for "Emily," the really cute sister. "Preserve me from the vengeance..."

Helen - That's great, honey. Daria, what will you be doing at the fair?

Daria - Admiring it from the safe distance of my room.

Helen - Daria, this fair is for a very good cause. Everyone should go.

Daria - Are you going?

Quinn - That won't be necessary.

Helen - I meant every student.

Daria - But what if Meryl Streep here gets the part? Nothing says support like you and Dad leading a rousing cheer from the footlights.

(Quinn gasps)

Daria - And just think of the delicious dinner.

Jake - Huh? (water bottle falls onto plate) Darn it!

(at school)

Tiffany - Should we try out for the play? We might get on a poster.

Sandi - I don't think the Fashion Club should participate in activities where you surrender wardrobe autonomy to someone else.

Tiffany - Yeah. We have more important things to do.

Sandi - That's right. Let's go to Cashman's and try on sequined gowns.

Quinn - Hi, Sandi, Tiffany. Guess what?

Sandi - You're transferring to a new school?

Quinn - No. I'm trying out for the part of Emily in The Canterbury Tales.

Sandi - That is so weird. I am, too.

Tiffany - But...

Quinn - Really? I didn't see your name on the sign-up sheet.

Sandi - Quinn, if you don't want me to audition then just say so.

Quinn - Stop that foolish talk, Sandi. I'm happy you're auditioning. If you get the part it'll be just like me getting it, only not.

Stacy - Guys, you're not going to believe this. Bret Strand just asked me out.

Sandi - Really? Is that okay with you, Quinn?

Quinn and Stacy - Huh?

(at Daria's house)

SSW Announcer - Meet the avant-garde obstetrician who's turned his castoffs into big-ticket artwork. Umbilical cord sculpture, next on Sick, Sad World.

Quinn - Dad? Dad!

Jake - Huh?

Quinn - Could you help me with something?

Jake - Honestly, Quinn, I'm just tapped out. I wish I could, but I'm dead flat broke. If I had a buck on me, you'd know I...

Quinn - Da-ad! I need someone to help me rehearse my lines.

Jake - Oh, sure! You know, I played Guildenstern in college. I thought I'd be nervous, but I was cool as a cucumber.

Quinn - That's actually interesting because I'm just a little...

Jake - Until I walked on stage and found myself in front of the crowd -- standing room only. I felt so... naked.

Quinn - Dad, you're not helping me...

Jake - I froze. I couldn't say a word. Then it started. The snickering. They laughed me off the stage, the jerks!

Quinn - I'll go practice upstairs. (leaves)

Jake - Quinn, honey, it wasn't that bad -- really! After a few months, the teasing tapered off and...

Quinn - Stop!

Jake - Maybe I should go talk to her. Hey! Ziggy!

(in the school auditorium)

Sandi - Oh, Palamon, who has such love for me.

Upchuck - For which he is deserving of... death.

Quinn - Oh, Palamon, who has such love for me...

Kevin - For which he's, like, deserving of death. Cool!

Brittany - Oh, pal o'mine, who... who... who can remember all this?

Mr. O'Neill - Uh, shall we begin?

Sandi - Uh, I do, I guess.

Mr. O'Neill - I now pronounce you husband and wife. And thus with perfect bliss and melody, Palamon wedded Emily.

(Upchuck grabs Sandi; Sandi falls to the stage)

Upchuck - Hey! Why fight it, toots? We're man and wife now.

Sandi - Keep dreaming, Charles. (knees Upchuck in the groin)

(Upchuck groans in pain)

Brittany - I do, Kevvy... I mean Palimony.

Kevin - Yeah, me, too.

(Kevin and Brittany begin making out)

Mr. O'Neill - I now pronounce you... oh, dear. Okay, guys... um, Brittany. Brittany? Brittany!

Brittany - Yes?

Mr. O'Neill - That was... very good. But now it's time to give someone else a chance to audition.

Brittany - Okay. Come on, Kevvy.

Mr. O'Neill - Um, actually, I'd like Kevin to stay on stage. Kevin, you're really doing something special with Palamon.

Kevin - But... aren't I Palamon?

Mr. O'Neill - Now, who's next for Emily? Ah, Quinn. Quinn Morgendorffer.

Quinn - Right here.

Brittany - Eep!

(in Jake's car)

Quinn - I will make a dainty garland for my head and sing. I will make a dainty garland for my head and sing. I will make a dainty garland for my head and sing.

Daria - With a hey-nonny-nonny, tra-la, tra-la. Would you give it a rest?

Quinn - Daria, I have to rehearse. It's not my fault Mom's making you come to this. It's not like I want you there.

Daria - Aw, thanks.

Helen - Stop it, you two. Quinn, Daria's very happy to be seeing you in your play. Aren't you, Daria?

Daria - I will make a dainty garland for my neck and choke.

Helen - I hope the other girls weren't too disappointed that you got the part over them.

Quinn - Well, let's see. Sandi was really nice about it. She said she's too mature to get upset at somebody else's incredible, unbelievable, undeserved luck. And Brittany just kind of made noises.

Daria - I guess she's speechless with joy that you and Kevin are going to be acting together.

Quinn - For your information, Daria, she volunteered to drive him so he could work on his lines.

Daria - Did she volunteer to get him a dainty transplant for his head so he could remember them?

(Brittany's car cuts them off)

Jake - Damn kids!

(in Brittany's car)

Brittany - Crazy old jerk! I hope that didn't disturb your concentration.

Kevin - Nah. I'm cool.

Brittany - 'Cause, you know, I don't want anything to distract you from your performance.

Kevin - I know, babe. Thanks.

(they drive by the school)

Kevin - Uh, babe... isn't that the turnoff for school?

Brittany - I don't think so.

Kevin - Really? Wow. I am concentrating.

(at the medieval fair)

Helen - Daria? Quinn?

Jake - That's funny, they were here a minute ago. Hey, my man! Cool threads.

Kid - You calling me a wuss?

(the Griffins approach)

Helen - Linda! Tom!

Linda and Tom - Helen. Jake.

Linda - Have you met Sam and Chris? Boys, say hello to Mr. and Mrs. Morgendorffer.

Sam - You suck. You suck! (Chris stomps on Sam's foot) Ow! (both run off)

Tom - Uh, kids, come back here. (runs after them)

Linda - Congratulations on Quinn getting the lead in the play.

Helen - Why, thank you. I heard the competition was pretty stiff.

Linda - Well, poor Sandi's acting is a little subtle. Mr. O'Neill was obviously looking for someone over the top.

(Helen gives phony laugh)

(at the jousting booth)

Ms. Li - Mr. White, if you'll just sign this waiver absolving Lawndale High of any responsibility for your accidental death, we can start the fun! (plays fanfare) Let the sport begin!

Mr. DeMartino - Well, if it isn't Jamie. I hope you're better at wielding a lance than you are at opening a book. (charges at Jamie)

Jamie - You got my name right. Somebody actually... (Mr. DeMartino knocks him down)

Mr. DeMartino - Next!

(on the main drag)

Daria - Thanks for meeting me here.

Jane - Hey, I wanted to come, remember? Besides, I had to get out. Trent discovered a new chord.

Upchuck - Would either of you lovelies be interested in a madrigal?

Daria and Jane - No.

Upchuck - (sings) I am the brave Sir Chuck, Sir Chuck, manly and strong and quick...

Jane - (sings) I'm going to cut out your tongue, your tongue, and fry it up on a stick.

Upchuck - (purrs) Feisty. Hey! Andrea! You like madrigals? (runs after Andrea)

Andrea - Don't touch me, you Howdy-Doody-looking creep.

(at the witch dunking booth)

Mrs. Bennett - Good afternoon, young men. You're about to learn firsthand the profit-generating principles by which games of chance...

(Chris throws ball, knocks Mrs. Bennett into water)

Chris - Yes!

Mrs. Bennett - (chuckles) Maybe I should say games of skill...

(Mrs. Bennett is dropped into water again)

(at the pie booth)

(Stacy sobs)

Sandi - God, Stacy, what's wrong? You look awful.

Tiffany - Yeah. Really, really bad.

Stacy - It's Bret. He said he'd call me after our first date but he never did, and I just saw him and I said hi and he pretended like he didn't even see me.

Sandi - Bummer.

Tiffany - Yeah.

Sandi - These long skirts are so hard to walk in.

Tiffany - I know.

(Stacy bawls)

Sandi - Stacy, it's gonna be all right.

Tiffany - He's not worth it. No guy is.

Stacy - Thanks, guys. Oh, it's so great to know I can count on my true friends.

Tiffany - So, then, he's not dating anyone now?

(Stacy wails; Quinn walks past with costume)

Tiffany - I cannot believe Quinn got the part over you. That's so wrong.

Sandi - Oh, I'm sure she'll do a good job.

(at the information booth)

Jodie - Hey.

Jane - If Prince Charming kisses you, you think you'll wake up from this nightmare?

Jodie - It's for a good cause, okay?

Daria - You just keep telling yourself that. Or have your ladies-in-waiting do it.

Jane - Where's Prince Mack?

(growling from "Slay the Dragon" booth)

Jodie - It was Ms. Barch's idea.

Jane - (sarcastic) No!

(Mack emerges in dragon costume, growls)

Kid - Are you Barney?

(Mack roars)

Sam and Chris - Kill the dragon! Kill the dragon!

Mack - Ow! (screams as kids pummel him)

(at the fortune teller's tent)

Ms. Barch - You will marry a man while still in your prime. Then, after putting him through school and spending 20 long-suffering years begging him to turn off those damn Broncos and get a real job, he'll walk out of your life, leaving a trail of muddy footprints behind on the freshly cleaned carpet. But you'll be better off without him. Much better off.

(girl runs away, sobbing)

Jane - Much, much better off.

Daria - And she's the living proof.

Jane - Should we get our fortunes read?

Daria - I'll pass. Knowing the present is bad enough.

Jane - Then how about a Ferris wheel ride?

Daria - Do I look desperate to you?

Sam and Chris - Crusades! Crusades!

Upchuck - Ladies... wait till you hear the Ballad of the Misunderstood Minstrel.

Daria - Do I look desperate to you now?

Jane - Yep.

Daria - Let's go.

(Daria and Jane enter Ferris wheel)

Operator - You're in luck. One basket left.

Upchuck - Hey, come on. Listen to my song. It's only got 12 verses.

Sam and Chris - Inquisition! Inquisition!

Upchuck - Ow! Hey! Ow! (kids pummel Upchuck)

Stacy - (sobs) Please, you gotta let me on.

Operator - Can't. We're full up.

Stacy - But I don't want anyone to see my eyes. They're this really weird shade of red.

Operator - Sorry, safety regulations...

Stacy - I'll pay you double.

Operator - All aboard. (puts Stacy in with Daria and Jane)

Daria - Excuse me. You can't do this.

Jane - We're human beings, damn it!

(Stacy bawls as ride starts)

(at the archery booth)

Linda - And everyone thought I'd had a cesarean because Sandi's head was so round and smooth and not flat and bumpy like the other babies. (shoots arrow)

Helen - Well, my labor with Quinn was only two hours, 20 minutes, so her head was quite round, too.

Linda - That's great, especially since giving birth can be risky for women over 35.

(Helen shoots and misses)

(backstage at the play)

Mr. O'Neill - Now, I want everyone to take a minute and visualize the audience. As we finish our wonderful play, they finish their delicious dinner and leap up as one in a standing ovation. Brava! Brava! Everyone.

Cast - Brava, brava!

Mr. O'Neill - Yum, yum!

Cast - Yum, yum.

Mr. O'Neill - Now, let's bow our heads for a moment and remember poor James Dean.

Quinn - Oh, Palamon, who has such love for me; I will make a dainty garland... Sandi? Tiffany? What are you guys doing here?

Tiffany - We came by to wish you luck.

Sandi - Not that you'll need it.

Tiffany - No way.

Quinn - You really think so?

Sandi - You're really talented, Quinn. I especially like your unique inflections.

Quinn - You do?

Sandi - Like, say a line for us.

Quinn - Well, okay: "I will make a dainty garland for my head and sing."

Sandi - See what I mean?

Tiffany - Oh, yeah.

Quinn - What do you mean, Sandi?

Sandi - Well, anybody else would have said "I will make a dainty garland for my head." But you, Quinn, with your... special talent, you said, "I will make a dainty garland for my head." I mean, it must be talent because you wouldn't emphasize the wrong words, would you?

Quinn - No, of course not.

Sandi - I didn't think so. (leaves)

Tiffany - I can't believe she thinks she should have gotten the part over you. That's so wrong.

Mr. O'Neill - Quinn? Have you seen Kevin?

(in Brittany's car)

Kevin - Now, I know we don't take a highway to school, babe.

Brittany - Are you sure?

Kevin - Um... no.

(on the Ferris wheel)

Stacy - I even wore my crushed velvet tank top, the one with the scoop neck, and he still didn't ask me out again. If only you were popular enough to understand.

Jane - Yes, if only.

Daria - When the hell is this ride going to be over?

(in the auditorium)

Helen - What's this?

Kid - Dinner theater; this is dinner.

Jake - Don't we get utensils?

Kid - Hey, it's the middle ages, pops.

Jake - Pops?!

Helen - Come on, Jake.

Jake - What do you think happened to the rest of this turkey?

(at the jousting booth)

Mr. DeMartino - Try blaming this on dyslexia! (knocks Joey down)

Jamie - Come on, Quinn's play's about to start, anyway.

Mr. DeMartino - Next!

(on the Ferris wheel)

Stacy - (sobs) But why? Is it something I said? Something I wore? Oh, I wish I were dead.

Daria - Look, don't flush your entire world down the drain just because some jerk didn't ask you out on a second date. It probably had nothing to do with you anyway.

Jane - Unless you did something really stupid, like bore him with your petty problems and convoluted logic.

Stacy - Why would I do that?

(in the auditorium)

Helen - This is revolting. I think I'm going to be sick.

Jake - Hey, you going to eat that?

(backstage)

Quinn - I will make a dainty garland! I will make a dainty garland. I will make...

Jamie - Hi, Quinn. I just wanted to stop buy and wish you good luck.

Jeffy - I want to wish you even better luck.

Joey - I want to wish you the best...

Quinn - Guys, if you want to help me, find Kevin. He's not here and there's no one to play Palamon.

Jamie - I'll play Palamon...

Joey - Come on, man...

Jeffy - No, me!

Quinn - Guys, don't fight over me.

Mr. O'Neill - Desperate times call for desperate measures. Eeny-meeny-miny-mo.

(Three J's argue)

Mr. O'Neill - Now, Jeffy, all you have to do is read Palamon's lines until Kevin gets here with his very good reason for sabotaging our play.

Quinn - Thanks, Jeffy. (leaves)

Jeffy - Who am I supposed to be again? It started with a "P"?

Jamie - Jamie - The Pardoner.

Jeffy - Oh, yeah. (chuckles)

(onstage)

Quinn - "I will make a dainty garland for my head and sing." La, la-la-la.

Jeffy - "That lust proceeds from wine and drunkenness, consider how drunken Lot pervertedly slept with..."

(audience groans)

Quinn - What?

Jeffy - "That lust proceeds from..."

Quinn - Stop!

(audience snickers)

Quinn - Oh.

(audience laughs)

Jake - Snicker, snicker, snicker! Damn it! Who's laughing? What's so damn funny? (kid hits Jake with turkey leg) Why you little...! (food fight begins)

Quinn - What's going on? (turkey leg knocks Quinn's hat off) Oh! (runs offstage, crying)

(on the main drag)

Stacy - Then, do you think I should call him?

Daria - Yes, right now. Before I commit justifiable homicide.

(Stacy leaves)

Jane - (robotically) Must-stick-head-cold-water.

Jodie - Guys, can you help me out? There's some kind of riot going on in the auditorium. Just watch the information booth while I find Ms. Li. (hurries off)

Jane - Uh-oh, someone just put us in a position of responsibility.

Daria - The day has suddenly turned sinister.

(at the fortune teller's tent)

Mr. O'Neill - (sobbing) I just wanted the play to go well.

Ms. Barch - Of course you did. See, in another life, you were a woman, which explains why you have feelings.

Mr. O'Neill - Really?

Ms. Barch - Your cards also say that you and a still-attractive coworker have a chance for unparalleled bliss, provided you avoid the troglodytic behavior common to your sex.

Mr. O'Neill - Really? When?

Ms. Barch - Very, very soon.

(Mr. O'Neill and Ms. Barch begin making out)

(at the information booth)

Girl - Why aren't you wearing costumes?

Daria - We were, but we donated them to the Museum of Glorifying Violence In Medieval Times.

Boy - The medieval times were cool.

Daria - Yeah, the air was cleaner and there was less crowding since the Black Death wiped out a third of the population in many places.

Jane - Must have been cool to see the ox carts rolling through the streets, piled high with festering corpses.

(later)

Daria - And the real Robin Hood lived in the 1300s. King Edward II busted Robin and his band of outlaws poaching deer. But, rather than punish him, he pardoned Robin and made him his special friend.

Jane - Robin was so grateful, from that day on he insisted on giving the king his bath.

(later)

Daria - Actually, Anne Boleyn was no prize either.

Jane - She had six fingers on her left hand, a big mole on her neck, and don't even ask me what was going on below that.

(in Brittany's car)

Kevin - Um, babe... now, I know it doesn't take this long to drive to school.

Brittany - Are you sure?

Kevin - Oh, man!