(opening theme song)

(walking to school; Daria is about three paces behind Quinn)

Quinn - Stop following me, Daria. (beat) You're following me.

Daria - We go to the same school.

(Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie approach)

Jeffy - Hey, Quinn, can I carry your books?

Joey - Hey, Quinn, can I carry your... pencil?

Jamie - Hey, Quinn, can I carry your, uh, um... got anything else?

(Quinn rummages through her jeans pocket and pulls out...)

Quinn - A hair scrunchie?

Jamie - Great!

Daria - Careful. Don't hurt yourself with that scrunchie. (leaves)

Jamie - Is that your sister?

Quinn - Don't pry, Joey.

Jamie - I'm Jamie.

Quinn - Whatever.

(at school)

(Daria and Brittany are sharing a table in Ms. Defoe's class; Daria is effortlessly drawing, while Brittany is having a tough time)

Brittany - Perspective is hard.

(Ms. Defoe comes to their table and examines Daria's drawing)

Ms. Defoe - Good work, Daria. Your cube is bursting out of the picture plane. You've really created the illusion of depth.

Daria - I'm thinking of going into politics.

Brittany - Ms. Defoe? I need a new pencil. I used up the eraser.

Ms. Defoe - Here, Brittany, take another pencil and a fresh piece of paper, and try again. (walks away, exasperated)

Brittany - If I don't figure this perspective thing out, I'll have to take remedial art. I heard they make all the lefties become righties.

Daria - But... you are a righty.

(Brittany examines her hands, confused)

Brittany - Daria, you're smart. Show me how to do this.

Daria - Well... okay. You know when things seem very far away?

Brittany - Like the weekend?

Daria - Distant things, like mountains and buildings.

Brittany - But, Daria... we're in a building.

Daria - Yes, but...

(Daria turns over her paper and starts drawing a stick-figure Brittany, complete with skirt and large bust)

Daria - Make believe you're at the mall. You're standing in front of J.J. Jeeters.

Brittany - Oh, like I would shop there.

Daria - (very slowly) You don't have to go in. You're looking at Cashman's Department Store... (draws small rectangle representing the store)

Brittany - Now you're talking.

Daria - ...way down at the other end. (draws arrows pointing to store) Everything seems to be pointing to the entrance and saying, "Come shop, come shop." (beat) "One-day sale."

Brittany - I get it! That's really realistic, Daria.

Daria - That's one-point perspective. All the lines are pointing to one spot on the horizon. (draws more arrows to further illustrate the point)

Brittany - I get it! Except...

Daria - Yes?

Brittany - Is Cashman's really having a one-day sale?

(at school)

(Mack and Kevin are at their lockers)

Kevin - Yo, Mack Daddy. You coming to Brittany's party?

Mack - Don't call me that, okay? What's this party for, anyway?

Kevin - Um...

Mack - Stop if it starts to hurt.

Kevin - (chuckles) Really. Um, her birthday was last month... I helped her exchange all her presents.

Mack - Even yours?

Kevin - Yeah. Then she had a saleslady explain the difference between perfume and cologne. Interesting stuff, bro. (closes locker) Now I remember! The party's to celebrate her parents being out of town. (Three J's approach) Hey, Joey, Jeffy, Jeremy.

Jamie - I'm Jamie.

Kevin - Whatever. You going to Brittany's party?

Joey - Uh, if we're invited.

(Quinn approaches)

Kevin - You're on the team, dudes. When a cheerleader has a party, all the football players are automatically invited.

Mack - (sarcastically) It's on page six of the play book.

Kevin - Really? (to Quinn) Hey, Quinn, what about you?

Quinn - Can I?

Kevin - Sure!

(Three J's fall all over themselves to ask Quinn out)

Quinn - Sure.

Jeffy - Who? Me?

Joey - Which one?

Jamie - Him or me?

Quinn - Everyone! You can't expect me to choose a boyfriend right away. That would be like eating the first pancake off the stove. You have to feed one to the dog.

(at school)

(Daria and Brittany are standing in line in the cafeteria)

Brittany - Ugh! I hate it when the trays are wet.

Daria - "That which does not kill us makes us stronger."

Brittany - Is that from a song? Hey, thanks for helping me out in art.

Daria - No problem.

Brittany - Maybe I could help you out in something.

Daria - Well, you could show me how to twirl hair around my little finger and look vacant.

Brittany - (twirls hair and looks vacant) I don't know if that's something you can teach. (picks up pudding and tugs at spoon) Ugh! I hate it when the pudding has skin.

Daria - I know what you mean... and that scares me.

Brittany - Hey, even though I'm much more popular, we have some things in common.

Daria - Breathing?

Brittany - I mean, you're not popular, but you're not so unpopular that you couldn't come to my party Saturday night.

Daria - Is that an invitation?

Brittany - Yes! Just this once, though.

Daria - Gee, Brittany. I'm overcome with emotion.

Brittany - You need a napkin? Anyway, I promised the other cheerleaders that I wouldn't invite any more really attractive girls.

Daria - Now I'm especially flattered.

Brittany - Don't mention it. (walks away)

(at Jane's house)

(Jane stands next to Daria, who is sitting on Jane's bed while browsing Jane's sketchbook)

Daria - These are really good. I didn't know you studied life drawing.

Jane - Yeah, last summer.

Daria - (stops at a page) You're really bursting out of the picture plane here.

Jane - Oh, yeah. That particular model was quite bursty. I think she had her bursts done.

Daria - Speaking of which... Brittany invited me to her party.

Jane - No kidding? Are you going?

Daria - Sure. And after that, I think I'll swallow glass. Why? Do you want to go?

Jane - Oh, no, I'd much rather stay home and listen to my brother practice the opening to "Come as You Are." I bet I could get some great sketches there...

Daria - Well, I'm sure there'll be plenty of people posing. If you want to go, just make believe you're me. When you're popular, all unpopular people look alike anyway.

(Jane takes Daria's glasses and puts them on her face)

Jane - (monotone voice) "Hi, I'm Daria. Go to hell." (normal voice) It won't work. My face is too expressive.

(at Daria's house)

(Quinn is standing in front of her bedroom mirrors, holding several skirts)

Quinn - Sheer, semi-sheer, or opaque? (beat) Textured! (tosses other skirts away)

(Daria stands in the doorway)

Daria - Isn't one of you enough?

Quinn - Go away, I'm concentrating. I'm invited to a party Saturday night and I have to choose the perfect outfit.

Daria - (enters room) Countdown: only 72 more hours to go. Might this party be at Brittany's house?

Quinn - Yes, and might you go away now? (beat) Hey... how do you know about it?

Daria - I'm invited, too... but I haven't decided if I'll go.

Quinn - You can't go! You'll ruin everything!

Daria - You know, I really should broaden my social horizons.

Quinn - (storms out of room) Mom! Dad! Daria is ruining my life again!

(at Daria's house)

(the Morgendorffers are sitting at the kitchen table)

Quinn - Tell Daria she can't go to Brittany's party. My popularity is at stake.

Helen - Now, don't begrudge your sister a chance to expand her circle of friends.

Quinn - Maybe now she'll have two.

Daria - (impressed) Touché, Quinn.

Quinn - And don't think you're confusing me with that French. You should ground her because... her room is a mess!

Daria - If I go down for that one, I'm taking you with me.

Quinn - Wait, here's something worse. I asked her to do my homework for me, and she made me pay. (glares from Helen and Jake) Never mind.

Helen - I think it's great that you two are going to be spending time together. Dad and I would be happy to drive you to the party and pick you up.

Daria & Quinn - No!

Quinn - Thanks, but I'll find some other way to get there. (leaves)

Helen - Daria, I'd like it if you'd keep an eye on Quinn at this party.

Daria - I don't know what I did, but it couldn't have been that bad.

Helen - I mean it. And she doesn't have to know about it.

Daria - Is this your way of acknowledging how much more mature and trustworthy I am?

Helen - It's my way of saying if you won't do it, I'm sending you both with a babysitter.

Daria - I'll take that as a ringing declaration of parental approval.

Helen - Just the way it was intended, sweetheart.

(at Brittany's house)

(Kevin and Brittany are setting up the snack table; Kevin is stuffing his face with potato chips)

Brittany - I love being the hostess. It's so easy to get home at the end of the night.

Kevin - You're a great hostess, cupcake. (suddenly gets the joke) Hey!

Brittany - Did I tell you that I did this really nice thing and invited Daria Morgendorffer, even though she never, ever wears nail polish?

Kevin - Her sister Quinn's coming, too.

Brittany - Oh, no! She's too cute! My friends will kill me! (smacks Kevin's hand) Kevin, you're mixing up the flat ones and the ridgy ones!

Kevin - Everything looks great, munchkin. Why are you so nervous?

Brittany - I'm just afraid people will judge me by my house... and we don't have the Jacuzzi in yet.

Kevin - (hugs Brittany) Hey, stuff like that doesn't matter. The most popular people with the best-looking hair -- that's what makes a great party.

(in Trent's car)

(Daria and Jane are in the front seat, with Jane in the middle)

Jane - Thanks for the ride, Trent.

Trent - No problem. I needed a break anyway. I've been practicing for ten hours straight.

Jane - Daria, would you say sleeping with a guitar in your hands counts as practicing?

Trent - As long as you don't drop it.

(car arrives at Crewe Neck gatehouse)

Trent - I'll let you off here. I have a problem dealing with authority.

Jane - Sure you don't want to crash?

Trent - A high school party? Please. Don't you think I'm a little mature for that?

(Daria and Jane exit car)

Trent - Don't do anything I wouldn't. (drives away)

Daria - (mutters) Bye.

Jane - Nice conversational skills.

Daria - I hate you.

(both girls approach the security guard)

Daria - We're here for Brittany Taylor's party.

Guard - Names?

Daria - Daria Morgendorffer.

Guard - (checks clipboard) Okay, and you? What's your name?

Jane - Tiffany. (sotto vocé to Daria) There's gotta be one.

Guard - Tiffany Hodge, Tiffany Duke, Tiffany Fairchild or Tiffany Blum-Deckler?

Jane - Uh... Tiffany Duke?

Guard - Strike! You're out. I made that one up.

Daria - Oh... she's not on the guest list. She's been hired to draw our portraits. She's very talented.

Guard - And your name is Tiffany Duke, huh?

Jane - What a coincidence?

Daria - These are some of her sketches from art class. They're very lifelike.

(Daria hands sketchbook to guard, who starts flipping through it)

Guard - Hmm. These are pretty hot. Uh-huh... hmm... (Daria and Jane walk past gate) Stop! Halt there! Huh... never mind. Hello, gorgeous!

(at Brittany's house)

(the decor is "Early African Jungle," with stuffed animals and fur skins everywhere; kids are milling around, talking, or dancing)

(Quinn is talking with the Three J's)

Quinn - So I said, "Just because people are cliquey and snotty is no reason not to like them."

Joey - Mm-hmm.

Jeffy - I agree.

Jamie - Exactly.

(Brittany is talking with Jodie and Mack)

Brittany - How do you like my house?

Jodie - Uh... it's quite coordinated.

Mack - And the ceramic tigers, they're grrrreat!

Jodie (archly) - Where's the Jacuzzi?

(Joey approaches Quinn and offers her a glass of punch)

Joey - Here, I-I-I got you a drink.

Quinn - This ice isn't crushed.

Joey - I'll go crush some. (whispers) You know, Jeffy still sleeps with a teddy bear. (leaves)

(Jeffy approaches and offers Quinn some pretzels)

Quinn - These aren't twisty.

Jeffy - I'll go twist some. (whispers) You know, Jamie's really a sloppy kisser. (Quinn gives him a strange look) I heard it from a girl! (leaves)

(Jamie approaches and offers Quinn some crackers)

Quinn - I like square crackers.

Jamie - (bites cracker into a square) Here. You know Joey was with a...

Quinn - Ugh, gross!

(Sandi, Tiffany, and a blonde girl stand in the middle of the room, with the blonde girl pointing to various kids)

Blonde Girl - Now she's really popular, but not as popular as she is. He's medium popular, and he just bought a great car so soon he'll be getting more popular. That guy was just popular enough to be invited, but now he needs to hook up with a girl who's more popular than he is.

(outside, Daria and Jane approach Brittany's house)

Daria - You really want to do this?

Jane - You know, just because people are cliquey and snotty is no reason not to like them.

Daria - Or hate them.

Jane - Chin up, nose up, let's go.

(they ring the doorbell; Brittany answers)

Brittany - Daria, you're here. I'm so glad. Now we're even!

Daria - This is Jane. She wasn't invited, but she's good in art.

Brittany - But I have you for that. Hmm... what do you know about geometry?

Jane - Lots of circles, squares and triangles.

Brittany - Wow! Come on in!

(Quinn, seeing Daria enter the house, hides behind a ceramic tiger)

(Daria and Jane examine the snack table)

Daria - (fake excitement) Look, two kinds of chips.

Jane - Flat or ridgy. You make the call.

(Upchuck approaches)

Upchuck - Chuck Ruttheimer, here. And you are...?

Jane - Jane.

Daria - Esmerelda.

Upchuck - I'll be your social director for the evening. Would you ladies like a tour of the house? It's free.

Daria - Do you accept tips?

Upchuck - Of course.

Daria - Ditch the bangs.

Upchuck - Feisty... (puts arms around Daria and Jane, who shrug them off)

(Upchuck begins leading them around the house)

(at Brittany's house)

(Upchuck is giving Daria and Jane the grand tour)

Upchuck - This five-bedroom house is designed in a combination of southern pseudo-plantation and late mock-Tudor styles. To your right, the quasi-Victorian breakfast nook. Straight ahead, the family den, which was inspired by the novels of Isak Dinesen.

(they stop in front of the laundry room)

Upchuck - And this... is the make-out room! Am I blushing? Confidentially, it's really the laundry room. (knocks on door) Hey? Don't lean on the buttons!

Guy (from inside) - Can it, Upchuck, or I'll break your face!

(girl giggles from inside)

Upchuck - As we've reached the end of our tour, I'd like to thank you for your undivided attention. Any questions?

Daria - Yes. How did you get invited?

Upchuck - I dissected her frog.

(Sandi, Tiffany, and the blonde girl continue their popularity evaluation)

Blonde Girl - Now, she used to be very popular, but then then there was that unfortunate nose job. That one behind the tiger? She was new and cute so she became, like, popular overnight. (points at Daria, Jane, and Upchuck) Those three aren't popular at all. I don't know what they're doing here. Maybe some kind of exchange program.

Tiffany - But what's with that girl with the glasses? Her face looks weird. All the same color.

Blonde Girl - She's not wearing makeup.

Sandi - Is that a new look or something?

Blonde Girl - Brrrrr. Scary.

(Jane notices two guys staring at her and Daria)

Jane (softly) - Those guys are looking at us.

Daria - Don't they know we're from two different worlds? Regular and popular?

Jane - The one in the green shirt is cute... in a head-too-big-for-his-body kind of way. (to Daria's disbelieving look) I hate you.

Guy #1 - Hey. Partying hard or hardly partying?

Daria - Hardly interested.

Guy #2 - So... where you girls been all our lives?

Daria - Waiting here for you. We were born in this room, we grew up in this room, and we thought we would die here... alone. But now you've arrived, and our lives can truly begin.

Guy #2 (to Guy #1) - She likes you.

Jane - Hey. Isn't that Quinn?

Daria - Where?

Jane - Over there, hiding behind the ceramic tiger.

Daria - (waves) Yoo-hoo! Sis!

(Quinn ducks back behind the tiger)

(at the Crewe Neck gatehouse)

Guard - I-I got to take this class. I've got to find Tiffany. I mean... (looks at cover) Jane.

(guard leaves as cars approach the gate)

Crasher (yells) - Woo-hoo! Party!

(cars drive around the barrier and head towards Brittany's house)

(at Brittany's house)

(Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie are following Quinn)

Joey - I'm glad we found you.

Jeffy - We were looking all over.

Jamie - I looked the hardest.

(Quinn spots Daria coming in her direction)

Quinn - Uh, I gotta go to the bathroom.

Joey - You need some help?

Jeffy - I'll go with you.

Quinn - It's the bathroom!

(Daria approaches Quinn)

Daria - Hi, sis!

Quinn - Aren't you a little out of place here? And everywhere else on Earth? (goes into bathroom and locks door)

(Sandi approaches and rattles door knob)

(Daria turns to face the Three J's)

Daria - Hi, I'm Quinn's brainy sister. People say we look alike.

(a line forms outside the bathroom)

Jodie - What's she doing in there?

Sandi (sarcastically) - Maybe she's taking a Jacuzzi.

(Brittany overhears and gasps)

Daria - And the traffic was so tied up that my mom finally hands Quinn the empty soda cup and says, "Here, you gotta go? Then go." (Quinn approaches, horrified; Daria smirks) I have this great picture at home of Quinn in her chubby stage.

(Quinn drags Daria away from the Three J's and holds up some money)

Quinn - I've got five dollars.

Daria - Boy, you try to look out for your little sister...

(Quinn digs into her pocket for more money)

Quinn - Make it ten.

Daria - Well, I have been saving up for a pair of snappy orthopedic shoes. (grabs money)

(at the Crewe Neck gatehouse)

(one of Brittany's neighbors pounds on gatehouse door)

Neighbor - Hello? Anybody there? There's a wild party going on up at Deer View Court. What do you plan to do about it? You can't ignore me! I pay your salary. Are you sleeping in there? You're not a real cop, you know!

(at Brittany's house)

(Quinn and the Three J's stand in front of laundry room door)

Jamie - Quinn, I don't care if your sister is a brain. I would never hold it against you. So, you want to go in the laundry room?

Joey - Hands off, Jamie. Quinn, you may come from a nerdy family but that makes your popularity, like, even more amazing. Now, why don't we ditch these two losers?

Jeffy - Take a hike, Joey. Quinn, if you were my girlfriend, we could ignore your sister together. Now will you go steady with me? At least for a couple of hours?

(suds and water leak under the laundry room door)

Quinn - Oh, no! These shoes are suede!

(in the living room, Daria leans against the wall as other kids dance)

Daria (flatly) - It's the Soul Train. Beep-beep. Get on board.

(Jane pokes her head out of the laundry room, then joins Daria)

Daria - What happened to "Bobby Bighead"?

Jane - I wasn't really interested.

Daria - Too bad. (picks sock off Jane's shoulder) Is this yours?

Jane - Okay, fine. He thought my head was a lollipop. Ready to go?

Daria - I was ready to go before we got here.

(outside, Daria and Jane start walking towards the gatehouse)

Jane - So, have fun?

Daria - Well, I didn't talk to a whole bunch of new people, I made Quinn want to throw herself down a well, and I'm going home with a bonus sock. All in all, a great night.

(at Brittany's house)

Quinn - Joey, Jeffy... Jamie?

Jamie - You got it!

Quinn - Uh... I don't think this is working out.

Three J's - What? / What do you mean? / What are you talking about?

Quinn - I mean, you're really special guys, and you deserve a really great girlfriend. Three, actually. But I feel that you're pressuring me to do things I'm not ready for.

Three J's - Huh? / I don't understand. / What do you mean?

Quinn - That doesn't mean you have to stop paying attention to me and buying me stuff and driving me places, but it does mean that... I think... what I'm trying to say is...

Joey - "Let's be friends?"

Quinn - Yeah. Sorry.

Jeffy (to Joey) - You came on too strong!

Jamie (to Jeffy) - You didn't give her enough space!

Joey (to Jamie) - You should have brushed your teeth!

(Three J's begin fighting as Quinn delightedly looks on)

Quinn - Stop it... stop fighting. This is horrible. (to Jodie) They're fighting over me.

(neighbor barges in with the cops)

Neighbor - That's it! Everybody out! Vamoose! (spots security guard) You too, Kojak. The real cops are here now.

Brittany - Oh! Cops! Does that mean we're on TV?

(at the Crewe Neck gatehouse)

(Daria holds the guard's clipboard and Jane wears his cap as they interrogate each car that arrives)

Daria - New security precautions. May I see some I.D., please?

Woman - You seem awfully young to be doing this kind of work.

Daria - It's a disguise, ma'am. We're actually much older.

Jane - Not as old as you, of course, ma'am.

Daria - Now, we have to a you a few questions.

Jane - Is that your natural hair color?

Woman - Well, I never in my life...!

Daria - (writing) Never colors it.

(next car)

Jane - Known to the Greeks as...?

Man #1 - Zeus.

Daria - Excellent.

(next car)

Man #2 - I can name that tune in... three notes.

(at Brittany's house)

(Brittany is outside, saying good-bye to her guests)

Mack - Thanks for the party, Brittany.

Brittany - Sorry about the Jacuzzi.

Jodie - It's okay. The wall-to-wall carpeting in the bathrooms makes up for it.

(inside, Quinn stands amidst the post-fight carnage; the Three J's have beaten each other unconscious)

Quinn - Joey? Jeffy? Jamie? (beat) How am I going to get home?

(at the Crewe Neck gatehouse)

(Quinn approaches, her shoes squishing)

Daria - What happened to your fan club?

Quinn - They beat each other up. It was kind of... what's that thing, when stuff turns out funny? Moronic.

Jane - Ironic.

Daria - She was right the first time.

Quinn - You want to call Mom and Dad?

Daria - And shift the balance of power? We walk.

Quinn - But my shoes are all squishy.

(Upchuck drives up)

Upchuck - You ladies in need of a knight in shining armor?

Daria - Can we just take the armor and ditch the knight?

Upchuck - Hey, it's a package deal, toots.

(girls get in, car drives off)

Upchuck - To your left, the home of the town director of public works, built on unstable landfill. To your right, a flattened squirrel. Straight ahead, the future!

Daria - Stuff a sock in it, Upchuck.

Upchuck - (purrs) Feisty!