Episode Guide
Transcript of
MTV's "Cool Crap Auction"

MTV's "Cool Crap Auction" was held in 1999 as a benefit for some charity I can't remember the name of... something about violence, I think. Anyway, various MTV-related items were up for bid, with one of the items being a Daria answering machine message. The winning bidder would get a customized message recorded by none other than Daria Morgendorffer (aka Tracy Grandstaff). The winner? None other than Daria fan fiction author C.E. Forman!

The following is a transcript of the segment that described the Daria answering machine message, voiced over by the Misery Chick herself. The segment was transcribed by C.E. Forman.

MTV Announcer Chick Whose Name I Do Not Know - Here's a closer look at the "Cart Full of Art" from the barely-animated animated character herself, Daria Morgendorffer!

(scene from "Malled", Daria and Jane at the Doodad Shop)

Jane - What is this stuff?

Daria - Who would buy such crappy, useless junk?

(close-up of someone playing the Beavis and Butt-head video game)

Daria (VO) - Like this thing. Hey, it's a Beavis and Butt-head stand-up arcade game. Only 12 were made, this is #9. You can use it to extort quarters from your friends. Grab the joystick and control Beavis and Butt-head's every movement. (beat) They'd probably like that.

(close-up of Beavis and Butt-head on the couch)

Butt-head - Cool!

Beavis - Yeah, heh heh!

(Beavis and Butt-head animation cel from the episode "Most Wanted")

Daria (VO) - Oh, lookie here. It's an authentic Beavis and Butt-head animation cel. Numbered at the bottom and everything. You know, every Beavis and Butt-head episode has about 44,000 of these cels. Someone had to draw 44,000 of these just to make them exist. (beat) Really. You shouldn't have.

(scene from "Most Wanted", where Butt-head gets a tattoo from the escaped serial killer)

Butt-head - And I want it right on my butt!

(close-up of an answering machine)

Daria (VO) - Yes, it looks like a regular answering machine, but the real treasure is what's on the answering machine.

(scene from "Teachings of Don Jake", where Daria takes Helen's cellular out of her backpack)

Daria (VO) - It's me, Daria. Yes, if your bid is the highest, I will personally record your outgoing answering machine message. A big star like me. You'll be the envy of all your friends. Either that, or they'll never call you back, ever again.

Daria - (into Helen's phone) She'll have to call you back.

(shot of two dorks in Beavis and Butt-head masks and tour jackets)

Daria (VO) - Beavis and Butt-head tour jackets, huh? I don't remember those guys ever going on tour.

(close-up of Beavis and Butt-head on the couch)

Beavis - Heh, heh, hehheh.

Butt-head - We're there, dude!

(Æon Flux cel)

Daria (VO) - Okay, what's next? All right, an authentic Æon Flux cel. Take this one home and you can walk around the next sci-fi comic convention like a bad-ass.

(video clip of Jewel singing "Down So Long")

Daria (VO) - She's a singer. She's a poet. She's a nuclear physicist.

(close-up of Jewel artwork)

Daria (VO) - And look, now she's also an artist. You can own a lithograph of some original Jewel artwork, absolutely perfect for nailing to your wall and, uh... looking at it, I guess.

(video clip of Geri Halliwell singing "Look at Me")

Daria (VO) - Mmm, spicy. Or, formerly spicy. Whatever.

(shot of Geri Halliwell scribbling crappy self-portrait)

Daria (VO) - Geri Halliwell gingerly scratched out a self-portrait when she stopped by the MTV studio, and it can be all yours. Don't wait, act now. Time is ticking away.

(video clip of Headbanger's Ball)

Daria (VO) - Are your nightmares simply not as terrifying as they used to be? You must need a little more Rob Zombie in your life.

(close-up of Headbanger's Ball props)

Daria (VO) - These are actual pieces of the MTV Headbanger's Ball set, decorated by Rob Zombie.

(clips from "Sifl and Olly")

Daria (VO) - Mmm, rancid sweat socks. Great idea for a show. It's Sifl and Olly's friends, Lap Dance Man, the drummer from Yeah, and Clear Fog banjo player. Put 'em on your hands and pretend you have friends. Or just sit around and sniff 'em.

(scene from "Malled", Daria and Jane outside Scizzor Wizard, walking away)

Daria - Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all cool crap. Can I go now?

Later in the show came the announcement of the winner. The following is a transcript of the on-air conversation between C.E., host Dave Holmes, and Tracy Grandstaff as Daria (transcribed by C.E.)... and yes, the real name of the mysterious C.E. Forman is finally revealed.

Dave Holmes - And, this is... uh, I can't believe I'm actually gonna talk to her, but right now we actually have Miss Excitement herself, Daria Morgendorffer, host of MTV's "Cart Full of Art", on the phone, right now. Daria, thanks a lot for callin' in.

Daria - Oh. Yeah. Believe me, it wasn't my idea.

Dave Holmes - Aw, you're a, you're a ball of fire today.

Daria - (Must've been a sound-system glitch, she didn't hear him.) What? What's that, Dave?

Dave Holmes - You're a ball of fire, Daria. You know, one of the most sought-after auction items from the Cart Full of Art package was the answering machine message recorded by you. I wanted it, but it was a little too rich for me, went for some pretty big money, you must be psyched!

Daria - Oh, must I be? I mean, I must be. Of course I'm thrilled. (Tracy stumbles a bit here on the lines.) I mean there's nothing better I like doing than answering the phone for a bunch of people I don't even know. You should try it, Dave. They say it really builds character. Not that you need it.

Dave Holmes - Is that a swipe? I can't tell. Well we've got Christopher on the line. He's a Daria fanatic from Illinois, he bid $305 bucks for the personally recorded answering machine message from you, Daria. (Some cheers are faintly audible in the background.) Is there anything you want to say to him or ask him?

Daria - Oh, yeah. Hello, Christopher.

C.E. Forman - Hey, Daria, is Quinn there?? (Heeheeheeee, I couldn't resist!)

Daria - (Sounds caught off guard.) Uh, no, she's in the other room now.

Dave Holmes - (At the same time, I think I threw 'em both a curveball there.) *Ohhh!* That's a sore subject, Christopher! (Shushes the crowd, I think quite a few of 'em got a kick out of my little stunt.)

Daria - So... Christopher? What does your current answering machine message say?

C.E. Forman - Uh, I have no idea, Daria, because I've never actually called myself to find out.

(At this point they cut me off. I guess they figured, better get this wacko off the air, there's no telling *what* he'll say!)

Daria - Wow, I guess you really do need my help.

Dave Holmes - Yeah, he does, Daria. Swoop. Swoop in as quickly as you can. Hey, thanks for calling in, the both of you. And thank you so much, Daria, for donating an answering machine message to Cool Crap. Daria Morgendorffer, everybody!

(Cheers from the crowd outside the MTV building.)

Daria - Oh you're all, you're all far too kind. Thank you.

From C.E. Forman: "There are six tapes, each with a different message. (Yeah, I asked for tapes, and scouted out an old answering machine that could use them. No way I'm losing my $300 prize during the first power outage. Which knowing CILCO, will probably be this week.)"

Message #1: (Includes a personal greeting from Daria/Tracy addressed to me, saying she hopes I'm happy with the messages.) "Hey, this is Daria Morgendorffer. You have a message for Christopher Forman? Well... *excuse me*."

Message #2: "This is Daria. Christopher is either away from his desk, or on another line. At the tone, do whatever you want to. If you think about it, it's all pretty inconsequential, really." (Also has an outtake from when Tracy stumbled on the line.)

Message #3: "Hey, it's Daria Morgendorffer. I'm not really sure why I'm answering Christopher's phone. Maybe you can tell me. Here's your chance."

Message #4: "Hey, it's Daria Morgendorffer. Whenever I'm in Peoria, I like to answer Chris's phone calls. It's how I get my jollies. How do you get yours?" (This one includes an absolutely hilarious outtake where Tracy cracks up while saying "Peoria".)

Message #5: "Hey, it's Daria Morgendorffer. Christopher isn't here right now. I don't know where he is. I'm not a global positioning satellite, you know. I have to go now."

Message #6: "Hey, it's Daria Morgendorffer. What's gonna happen is you're gonna hear a beep. It's important that you don't panic. Just keep breathing, leave your name and number, and I'll be sure Christopher gets the message. I believe in you. Ready, sunshine?" (There's a couple of outtakes on this one too.)

From C.E. Forman: "That's all. Sorry, no plans to make copies of the recordings, or to give out my home number. (I know, I'm a rotten rat-bastard.)"