NegaJane takes a moment to play Scrooge, during the Judith Holiday special.








[i][u]Things That Annoy Me[/u][/i]



A deleted scene from A Very Judith Christmas, by Brother Grimace



-Christmas shopping annoys me. People who go out of their way to wear Christmas and holiday-themed outfits with red, white and green colors annoy me. People who are dicks throughout the year but become nice from the day after Thanksgiving to December 26th annoy me. People who are nice all throughout the year and go from Thanksgiving to Boxing Day spreading Type 2 diabetes wherever they go with their mere presence really annoy me. Basically, if you are human and rabidly celebrating the holidays in my line of sight, you probably annoy me.


- Children who climb on top of you and recline upon you as if you're a throw rug annoy me. Hey, kid - what makes you think that I like you, and if you somehow have that misinterpretation of 'you bug me, go away' to mean 'come and sit with me, and show me that you're a wonderful kid', you're wrong, so go away before I toss for distance and make a you-shaped hole in the far wall.


- Those stupid twisty energy-saving light bulbs annoy me. 'Oh, look at me with my fancy, special shape that says 'I'm trying way too hard to be cool as I save the consumers a few pennies off their energy bill in a laughably futile effort to reduce energy across the world.' Yeah, good luck with that, because you annoy me.


Smoked turkey for holiday dinner annoys me. You're supposed to bake the effing turkey, and have the smell of the bird's dead flesh making wonderful smells as it burns slowly in a hoot over so that when we eat it, we won't die immediately from sickness - just years or decades later from a host of other diseases caused by bad eating habits which include eating turkey, and yes - that annoys me.


Everybody and his brother doing stupid holiday specials. If I wanted to experience the true spirit of Christmas, I'd get a shotgun, a camera that takes Kirlian photographs, blow away the first damn Santa Claus impersonator I come across and take a picture as he dies, with his ghost goes wandering away, bewailing his misspent life - and that would also annoy me, because if you're going to be a ghost, at least do something interesting with it, like go scare the caribou fudge out of Sarah Palin in the middle of one of her Twitter sessions - and oh, you better believe that both the Half-Governor and 'Twit-er' annoy me.


Falling asleep in the dumbest of places annoys me. Ever been sitting on a chair of stool, fall asleep because life or the idiots you're with are too damn annoying to be allowed to live, but annoying laws that say 'no, you can't shoot them and use them as the fertilizer for next years' vegetable garden'  are in place, so you sit there, fall asleep and almost fall off like the proverbial parrot that has ceased to be? This annoys me.


People who take the corner pieces of any baked goods when they come over to your house to eat or have snacks. Listen, scrotum-hoodie, the middle pieces are your punishment for not fixing your own dinner at your own house. Accept it, eat your damned dinner and leave the corner pieces alone because it annoys me when you don't.


Radio stations that usually play kick-ass music eleven months out of the year but get their panties twisted into a Christmas bow over the holidays annoy me. I don't want to hear back-to-front, head-to-toe, crotch-to-cranium versions of my favorite holiday selections, because you're not really caring what I want to hear, you're playing what the addled-by-snow-and-mythic-beings aspect of the holiday season instead of playing the songs I turned to your damned station to hear, and not being able to hear my songs instead of that holiday air pollution annoys me because I don't ever plan to see Rudolph's nose, I don't care that it glows, and really, if I ever saw him, I'd sight in on him with a .30-06 scoped Winchester, put one squarely through his left eye and have reindeer brisket for my Christmas  dinner because while fictional mutant reindeer and their struggles to fit into a society that hates and fears them annoys me, the fact that Rudolph didn't fly off to visit Professor Charkes Xavier and get help to control his mutant powers annoys me even more BUT the thought of fresh, delicious venison for dinner does not annoy me at all.


Mistletoe annoys me. Listen, folks - if you have to have a special herb hanging over your heads to kiss someone, why not just go whole hog and bang them underneath the Christmas tree? That would not annoy me, because for a lot of people, that would be The Greatest Gift of All.