Why Don't You Get A Job


By: J

Disclaimer: "Daria" is © and ® MTV, a division of Viacom Entertainment. Daria and all her cohorts (except for the Kinsingtons) were created by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis. The Kinsingtons were created and are © J. Use of the Kinsingtons without the permission of the author for the purpose of turning a profit is prohibited. I would suggest you didn't, because...Trust me, you don't want to know

Also, This is my first attempt at HTML encryption. So if it looks horrible, that's why.

Also also, if you have any comments, questions, or you just want to tell me I suck, e-mail me at:

incubus637@aol.com

Also Also Also, In case you were wondering, This story is based on actual events, but the events have been grossly exaggerated for the purpose of comedy

O.K. here we go. Make sure you keep all tray tables and seats in the upright and locked position. Store all carry-on luggage in the overhead bin or under the seat. And in the event of a water landing...Drown.

"You're Standing On My Neck" begins to play, but the title sequence will be as follows:

It is night. Camera sweeps over a rooftop. Stop on Mara, who nods her head and says: "All right. If we're gonna do it." She turns her head to the right and continues: "Let's do the bloody thing right" . Music begins now.

Mack and Damien are in Shakespearian costumes. Mack has his head shaved. He looks absolutely PISSED he grabs Damien and pushes him into a rectangular pool of water at the front of the stage.

Daria and Darren are standing in what looks like a fast food kitchen. They are wearing rather embarrassing uniforms that have the American Flag design on them. There is an older man standing between them. He grabs his head and falls over backward. Daria and Darren look at him, look at each other, and shrug.

We see O'Neill standing, in the auditorium, next to a middle aged woman. Suddenly, Damien runs into the shot and tackles her.

Total Darkness. Then a light shines on what looks like a ladder. We see two figures drop in front of the camera.

Mara is sitting in a conference room. She looks bored as all hell. She then pulls out a book called: "Vaseline, gasoline, and five hundred other ways to make plastic explosives".

Miranda is standing on stage at what looks like a school dance of some kind. She is playing a guitar, In the background, Darren is playing bass, Damien is playing drums, and a male Kinsington relation is on the other guitar. Darren is wearing a dress shirt, unbuttoned, a white t-shirt underneath, black slacks, and black Doc Martins. Damien is shirtless. Miranda is playing what looks like a very complicated solo. Trent is staring at her in awe

Upchuck is accosting Daria and Jane in the theatre. Miranda grabs him and pulls him off camera. Daria and Jane look in their direction, then exchange looks of nausea.

Our heroes are standing in front of a bulletin board reading a notice. Camera moves down the line. Daria looks impassive, Jane looks shocked, Damien has a scowl, Darren looks angry, Miranda looks absolutely pissed. She is breathing heavily, gnashing her teeth, and her left eye is twitching. she closes her eyes and screams something.

Stacy is running down the halls of Lawndale High, with Sandi running after her holding a bloody Chainsaw.

Close up on Daria, who smirks as the Daria Logo comes up over a blue background.

Daria in: Why Don't You Get A Job?

EXT: Lawndale High

Music: "The World Is Not Enough" By Garbage

Scene 1: The theater. Damien and Mack are standing on stage, rehearsing. Miranda is in the front row of the house, translating

Mack: But Iago, what lights come yonder.

Damien: (worried) Those are the raiséd father and his friends. You were best go in. (he tries to hustle Mack offstage. Mack stops him)

Mack: (Defiant) Not I. I must be found. My parts, title, and perfect fortune shall manifest me rightly. Is it they?

Damien looks offstage. Enter Kevin and the guy playing the solder. (Who, for the purpose of the series, we'll call James)

Damien: (looking relieved) By Janus, I think no.

Mack: (happy) Servant of the Duke, and my lieutenant. The goodness of the night upon you friends. What is the news?

Kevin: (confused) Like, why would I read the newspaper, bro. That's what brains do

James rolls his eyes, Mack puts his head in his hands.

CUT TO: O'Neill

O'Neill: That was a very good...um...entrance, Charles. But your line is (looks at the script. starts overacting) "The Duke doth greet you, general. And he requires your haste post-haste appearance, even on the instant.

Kevin: Oh, (pause) O.K.

O'Neill: Now, lets try that again

Mack: (sarcastically, to himself) Take fourteen

James: (sarcastically) Fifteen

Scene 2: Later that day.

The cast is sitting in the house. O'Neill is giving them some bad news.

O'Neill: Um, Guys? I have some good news, and some bad news

CUT TO: Daria and Darren

Daria: He's getting someone more competent to direct?

Darren: What do you mean more competent

CUT BACK TO: O'Neill

O'Neill: I just found out that the budget for the play is a little less than I expected.

Mack: What is the budget?

O'Neill: Well, (looks at a sheet of paper) Ms. Li has given us $1000 of the school budget for this.

Darren: That's it?!

Daria: That's pretty generous. (Darren looks at her) Well, for her anyway.

O'Neill: (turns happy) But, I found a way to remedy the situation. I just found out that Five Banners Grand Country has a program that lets people work there as a fund raiser. (excited) And I signed us up to work there next Saturday.

CUT TO: OH's who have a look of abject horror

Scene 3 Lawndale High Parking Lot, Night

Damien, Darren, Miranda, and Daria are walking towards Darren's Car

Music: "Pure Morning" by Placebo

Darren: I'm going to go up to him, calmly explain why is a phenomenally bad idea, and very slowly kill him.

Daria (deadpan) You need help?

Darren: Yeah, you hold him down, I'll perform the death of a thousand cuts.

Miranda: Just out of curiosity, what the hell is "Five Banners Grand Country" anyway?

Daria: It's an amusement park in Leeville.

Darren: (sighs) Oh well, at least I won't have to suffer alone. (stares at Damien)

Damien looks at Darren. He looks confused and kind of scared

Damien: (to Miranda) Why is he looking at me?

Miranda explains to him

Damien: Oh. I...kind of...got out of that.

Darren: What?! (surprised, slightly angry) How'd you manage that?

Damien: There's this huge international deaf social in Oakwood on Saturday

Darren: (under his breath) Great.

They get to Darren's car. a near mint condition black 1967 Ford Shelby Mustang GT500

Daria: Holy Crap. is that yours?

Darren: Yup. Our uncle Desmond gave it to us when we turned 18.

Daria: Us?

Darren: Yeah, Damien and I. You...do know we're twins, right?

Daria: (nods her head) How did your uncle afford it?

Damien: (shrugs) He's sort of a curator. Anything you want, he'll get for you within 24 hours.

Daria: How?

Darren: We don't know. and none of us have the bollocks to ask him.

Daria: Mafia?

Darren: Well, that's my theory (smirks)

Darren opens the drivers side door and gets in. Miranda gets in the back seat, Damien is riding Shotgun

Darren: So, you need a ride home?

Daria: No thanks. I'll see you tomorrow. (walks away)

CUT TO COMMERCIAL Stinger: Darren looking surprised when O'neill explains the budget problem

Scene 4: The bus ride to hell

Music: The opening keyboard riff to "The Thing I Hate" by Stabbing Westward

Daria and Darren are sitting together. Brittany and Kevin are making out in the seat in front of them. Quinn and the three J's are sitting together. Quinn is talking on a cell phone. O'Neill is at the front, speaking to the cast

O'Neill: (enthusiastic) Good morning class. I hope you all had a restful sleep last night

Everyone groans rather loudly. O'neill is taken a bit aback. He was hoping that the other students were as stupidly optimistic as he.

CUT TO: Daria and Darren, who look REALLY tired. Daria also looks like she's going to throw up

Darren: (groans) It's too early in the day for this. (looks at Daria) What's wrong?

Daria: (looking very sick) I'm going to be sick. Could you open a window?

Darren: Oh, I got some Dramamine in my bag if you want it.

Daria: It's not motion sickness, it's the fumes. It smells like...like...

Darren looks at Kevin and Brittany in the seat in front of them. He taps Kevin on the head

Darren: (to Kevin and Brittany) Um, could you two lovebirds not do that here?

Brittany: (to Kevin) Ugh, He's been spying on us!

Kevin: Yeah, what a...um...what's the word?

Darren: (sarcastically) Pervert? Yes, well when you're shagging each other on a bus carrying about forty other people, I don't think that there's much you can keep private.

Kevin and Brittany look around and realise where they are

Brittany: (like a deer in headlights) Eep (or Eap, whatever)

Darren: (to Daria) Better?

Daria: (still sick) Not really

Darren reaches into his backpack and pulls out an air sickness bag.

Darren: Here, if all else fails...

Enter Upchuck

Upchuck: Well, what have we here. Is our precious Daria unwell? I have just the cure, but be careful it doesn't cause a fever (growls)

Daria: (bluntly) Upchuck, Go away. I'm really not in the mood

Upchuck: (growls again) Well, how 'bout we meet after work and...

Darren grabs him with his (Darren's) right hand so they are face to face. Darren's left hand is in his backpack.

Darren: Listen you stupid $#!7, I want you to think back to the worst pain you've ever felt. Now, (as he's saying this, he pulls out a rather painful looking probe from his backpack) imagine something (shows Upchuck the probe, he whispers) ten times worse

He lets go of Upchuck.

Upchuck: (trying to save face) Well, You can't resist me forever. I'll get you yet, my pretty (walks away)

Daria: And your little dog too

Darren: Feeling better?

Daria gives him a semi-pathetic look.

Scene 5: The employee parking lot of "Grand Country"

We see Mack get off. followed by Kevin and Brittany, who look like they have been making out again. Then Darren gets off and deposits a rather full air-sickness bag into the trash. Daria follows him, rinsing her mouth out with water. She spits and gives Darren a water bottle, which he puts it in his backpack.

Daria: What don't you have in there?

Darren: Just the technology that could, singlehandedly, cause a global thermonuclear holocaust. But I'm working on that. (grins)

Scene 6: The employee office

The cast is sitting around a big conference table. A rather annoyingly perky supervisor (who we'll call PHB) is talking to them. In the background is an easel. on it is a big paper pad with the words "How does this help the park" written on it.

PHB: (To Daria) Yes, before you even do that, you must first ask... (goes to the easel, points to each word as he says it) "How does this help the park?"

Daria: (deadpan) By confining all bodily fluids to the toilets

The PHB laughs nervously

Mack: What exactly are we gonna be doing all day?

Kevin: (excited) Yeah, I hope we get to run the games. I like the "Whack a Mole"!

Daria: I figured as much (authors note: This probably sounds much naughtier than it really is)

Darren: "Whack a Mole?" American Football player? What's the difference?

Mack: (deadpan) Both have taken one too many hits to the head

Darren tries to stifle a laugh

Darren Good one, Michael

PHB: (to Kevin) Wow! I really like you're enthusiasm, but no. You'll actually be working in the food service today

Daria: Great, I've always wanted to wear the lingering smell of fried chicken

PHB: (missing the sarcasm) Great! Now, let's you get into your uniforms

Scene 7: the Men's employee locker room

Darren is trying to stuff his backpack into a locker. Mack is changing into a rather embarrassing "American Flag" designed uniform.

Darren: Um, Michael? Could you help me with this? (to the backpack) Get in there, Damn You!

Mack: Sure, and call me Mack, please

Darren Oh. Erm, sorry

They both push the backpack into the locker and close the door. An employee comes up to Darren, hands him a straight razor and a small cup of shaving cream, and walks away

Darren: Is my goatee that visible?

Mack: Kinda, yeah

Darren: (under his breath) Great, Just what I've always felt I needed. Shaving cuts.

Mack: Don't worry. Just don't jerk it and don't go side to side.

Darren: Right, thanks

He walks offscreen. about a minute later, we hear him scream...

Darren: OW! BOLLACKS!

Scene 8: Inside the park

The Cast is walking to the various kitchens where they'll be working. Everyone has the same uniform on, along with navy blue visors with the park name. Quinn is looking it at in utter disgust. Darren has a large piece of gauze taped to his cheek.

Daria: (referring to his bandage) So, how many health violations do you think that'll break?

Darren Well, I think that their theory is that, as long as they keep me out of sight, they won't have any problems. (shakes his head) I'll bet Damien's having the time of his life right now.

CUT TO: The gym at Oakwood high. Camera pans left, showing a bunch of people sitting around looking excited. Stop on Damien and Miranda, who both look bored as all hell. Everyone around them get up and waves their hands in the air. Damien reaches into his backpack and pulls out a huge book called "The Complete Unified Field Theory." Miranda pulls out a book called "Die Broke." Offscreen, we hear a young male voice.

Voice: I take it he's been to one of these before?

Miranda taps Damien on the shoulder and relays the guy's question.

Damien looks to his right and signs something

Miranda: He said "The trick is to bring a book big enough"

Voice: Got anything else in there?

Damien reaches into his backpack, pulls out another large book and hands it offscreen

Voice: "How to get Anything on Anybody"?

Damien: Volume 2. Take a gander at the section on auto tailing

Voice: (after a couple of beats) Oh man, Can I show this to someone?

Damien nods. A couple beats later, he and Miranda both look offscreen right, look at each other, and shrug. Damien goes back to his book

CUT BACK TO: "Grand Country"

Daria, Darren, Mack, Kevin, Quinn, and Upchuck are standing in a kitchen. A "cute" (as Quinn would put it) supervisor is explaining their jobs. he motions Quinn to follow him and they both exit through a door. Camera follows them

Supervisor: Now Quinn, You're gonna have a very important job. You'll be here (points to a booth in an enclosed picnic area) distributing ice cream.

Quinn (Shocked) You mean I'll be out in public?! I can't. if any of my friends see me in this, I'll...

Supervisor: (puts a reassuring hand on her shoulder) Don't worry, this is a private area. You have to have a special ticket to get in.

He opens the freezer in the booth and continues instructing Quinn.

Supervisor: Now, when people come up, Ask them if they have a...

CUT TO: inside the kitchen. Daria looks out the window. from her POV, we see the supervisor leaving. Almost immediately afterward, a huge line of children gather in front of the booth. Quinn has a very happily surprised look on her face.

CUT TO COMMERCIAL Stinger: Darren trying to stuff his backpack in a locker

Scene 9: Still in the Kitchen

Daria and Darren are just standing there. Mack comes out of the freezer with two large boxes of something. Kevin and Brittany...who knows where they are? Upchuck is hitting on one of the female (obviously) employees, who just looks at him confused. We hear "Jeremy" by Pearl Jam coming from a radio, which one of the internationals turns up full blast.

Upchuck: And so, my fair maiden, Why don't we have a rendez-vous after our shift and break some outdated laws. (growls)

Employee: (in a very thick french accent) Why would you want to meet me and commit a crime?

Darren: (points to Upchuck, speaks to her) Il demande, si tu se veux baiser. (he's asking if you want to f*** him)

The girl looks at Upchuck, who still has his little grin. She turns back to Darren

Girl: Is it true?

Darren nods. The girl glares at Upchuck, then backhands him. he falls to the ground

Upchuck: (weakly) Grr, feisty

Girl: (to Darren) Thank you

Darren: Pas de problem

The girl looks over his shoulder and gets a look of mild fear

Girl: Uh oh, The...the...(can't translate the word for "boss" gives up) Uh...Le patron

Darren turns around. A slightly overweight, middle aged manager and a security guard come up. The manager pats Darren on the shoulder, and talks to him

Manager: Hey Darren. Listen, We have a policy for the internationals. To help them improve their english skills, we have mandated that all employees must speak english on the job.

Darren: And what happens if we don't?

Boss: Well, Normy here (pats the guard on the back) gives you a ticket, which says that we take $10 out of your paycheck for every non-english word said

Darren: (with a "Let's think through this logically" tone) So, your company policy is to punish people who have anything less than a perfect command of english, by fining the people who try to help them with something, and making them feel more comfortable by speaking their own language?

Manager: (Kind of gets what he's saying) No, we're trying to help them learn English. Full immersion, that sort of thing. (pats him on the shoulder again) Capisce?

Darren: (sarcastically) Perfectly

Norm: (hands the manager a ticket) Italian, ten dollars.

Manager: (To Darren) goo... (turns to Norm) What?!!

Norm: Capisce, Italian, ten dollars.

Darren smirks at the ensuing argument

Manager: Oh c'mon, that was just a faux pas

Norm: (Really excited now) Ooh, french. that's another ticket!

Manager (Really pissed off now) KEEP THIS UP AND YOUR JOB IS KAPUT!!

Norm (unfazed) Ah ah ah, German, German

Manager: NOW LOOK HERE!!

Norm: LOOK. YOU TOLD ME TO FINE ALL NON-ENGLISH WORDS. HAVE YOU BEEN USING NON-ENGLISH WORDS OR NOT?!!!

The manager looks at him, then turns around and stalks off. All of the employees are laughing

Manager: Gah! Merda!

Norm: (Excited again. Walks after the manager) Ooh ooh ooh, Spanish, that's another one.

Daria smirks as she watches the two leave. The same supervisor who was helping Quinn comes up to Daria.

Supervisor: You look like you could use something to do.

Daria: (trying to get out of it) No I don't

Supervisor: Sure ya do.

He takes her over to the deep fryers. They've all been emptied of oil. The only thing in it are the (many) burnt food particles that got out of the fry baskets.

Daria Please tell me I don't have to clean these out

The manager hands her a spoon and leaves. She stares at it, gets a resigned look, and sighs

Scene 10: The employee cafeteria.

Darren, and Mack are standing in a serving line. Darren is looking at a throughly unappealing hot dog. He's speaking to a male employee behind the counter.

Music: "Grab yourself a gun (Theme song to the Sopranos)" by A3 (I think)

Darren: Excuse me, (points to the hot dog) Which animal part was that?

Clerk: Um... (Doesn't really know)

Darren: Just...point to the spot on your own body.

Camera stays on Darren, who gets a look of mild nausea

Clerk: (with a slight German accent) Do you want one?

Darren: (takes a salad) Nein. Ich denke, daß ich mich entschlossen habe, Vegetarier zu werden. (No, I think I've decided to become a vegetarian)

Mack: (amazed) How many languages do you speak, anyway?

Darren: Fluently? English and ASL. I'm taking french in school, and what I just said I got from this really weird book on German slang.

Mack: Oh. At least you're honest.

Darren: (faux dejected) So I'm not going to hell? Damn

Mack smirks at this. They both sit down at Daria's table. The cafeteria is fairly large and pretty crowded. The walls are adorned with large cardboard cutouts of various cartoon characters. There are also several t.v.'s that are showing "Dexter's Laboratory" Daria has her head in her hands.

Daria: (to herself) I've got several small burns from cleaning out the friers, My head hurts, I smell like fried chicken, and if I hear any more Pearl Jam, I'm gonna kill someone

Darren: Well, it's nice to see you're also having a good day. Look on the lighter side. At least Trent isn't here to see you

Daria gives him a look of death.

Darren: Oh c'mon, Don't think we haven't noticed

She just stares at him. then she goes back to her own thoughts.

Darren But you don't have to get so defensive about it

Daria: I'm not defensive

Darren: Yes you are. Look, at least you're not working with Kevin this time. (to Mack) Speaking of which, where is that little moron anyway?

Mack just shrugs

Daria: How did you know about that?

Darren: Jane told me. Think of it this way...

Daria: At least I can tell when I hate something, rather than trying to rationalize it in order to make it seem less degrading than it really is

Darren lets those words sink in a bit

Darren: Touché amiga. Look, we've endured for four hours. I think we can survive another round

Daria: Don't tell me you've actually bought into that bunk

Darren: (shrugs) it's all I've got left

Scene 11: Outside the kitchen of hell

The group is gathered outside, waiting to be taken to another kitchen to work. The main supervisor is leading them along the roads within the employee area of the park. They go through a gate and into the park itself. Quinn looks in horror at the prospect of being in public in her work uniform. Some unnamed characters are wearing their visors backward. A manager pulls them over behind a fence. A couple beats later, the kids come out wearing the visor the right way.

Darren: What was that about?

Kid 1: We were "Out of Costume." as that guy put it

Darren: You had this (points to the visor) turned the wrong way, and you're considered "Out of Costume?"

Kid 1: Yeah, I guess you could consider this a costume

Kid 2: What, the clown outfit?

The first kid smirks at this.

They continue walking. Along the way, they pass the fashion club, who have their backs turned to the group. Quinn tries to hide behind Daria, Mack, and Kevin.

Sandi: Like, didn't she say that she was going to be working here for today

Tiffany: (in her typical daze) Something like that

Stacy looks and sees Quinn. Stacy gets a look of pity. She looks like she's going to tell Sandi, but she stops once she realises what Sandi would probably do if she saw Quinn in that. The group continues walking. Along the way, they pass the Z-93 van. Bing and the Spatula man are being their normal horse's ass selves

Bing: (Talking about the group) I'll bet that these people know how to Par-tay Cray-zay

Spatula Man: (To Darren) Hey you. Why don't you tell us where at work you love to get Cray-zay

Darren just looks at them, then he gives them the finger

Bing: Ooh, I don't think that'll look good on his performance review, Spatula Man

The supervisor glares at Darren

Scene 12: The exterior of "The Lone Star Shack," a country-western themed restaurant

The group walks into a back entrance.

CUT TO: Inside the kitchen. One of the supervisors is giving out jobs. Kevin, Brittany, Quinn, and Mack are bussing tables. Daria and Darren are washing dishes. One of the employees turns up the radio, which is playing "Evenflow" by Pearl Jam. All the other employees cheer. Daria gets a rather annoyed look. The music continues through the following montage:

Daria puts a pan through a very large, carwash style dishwasher.

Mack is bussing tables. He glares at Quinn, who is flirting with a bunch of guys at one table

Daria and Darren are both running dishes through. A man in a shirt and tie comes up and points to the sink, indicating that they need to pre-rinse them

Upchuck is flirting with some ladies. I think you can guess what happens

Darren is standing on a counter. literally hosing down a dish. Another man in a shirt and tie stops them. We can tell that he's telling them that they don't have to prerinse

Kevin is looking at the same group of girls that Upchuck was looking at. Brittany pulls him over and slaps him.

Darren and Daria are doing the dishes again. the first man in the tie comes up and points to the sink again. We can tell he's angry. He puts one of his hands to his head and falls over backwards. Daria and Darren just look at him.

Darren is mopping floors. Daria is scrubbing countertops. Mack is putting away some dishes.

The second man in a tie is filling out Daria's, Darren's, and Mack's time sheets. They're all visibly tired. They all exit the kitchen door.

Darren comes out of the men's locker room, dressed in his normal clothes. He looks at his time sheet, which he should have put in his locker. He gets a "Not again!" look as he storms back into the locker room.

Daria and Darren are on the bus going home. It's dark out. Daria is leaning against the window, sleeping.

End Montage

Scene 13: Outside the Kinsington residence

Darren gets out of the car and goes into the house.

CUT TO: inside the kitchen.

Miranda and Mara are sitting at the kitchen table, looking over some documents. They look up at Darren

Miranda: (tauntingly) Hey Darren, How was work?

Darren gives her a look of death, but he makes an unintelligible grunt. He goes upstairs

Miranda (Slightly concerned, to Mara) Should I ask?

Mara I wouldn't. I think he'll bitch about his day when he's ready

They go back to whatever they were doing

Scene 14: Inside the Morgandorffer house

Daria walks in the door. Jake, who's up, sees her

Jake Hey kiddo, How was your day?

Daria doesn't stop or answer. Instead she walks up the stairs.

CUT TO: The door outside the upstairs bathroom

Daria goes into the bathroom and closes the door. A couple beats later, we hear the sound of the shower running.

Roll Credits

End

THANK THE DEITY, IT'S FINISHED!!!!! This one was almost the death of me. Seven rewrites, a lot of changes of ideas, and things like that. And it seemed to take forever to write the damn thing once I decided exactly how I wanted to do it. And to think, this one is based on actual events. (emphasis on "based on" heeheehee) Anyway Here are the

Endnotes

The Opening Sequence Yes, these are teasers for the upcoming "season." I got inspired by CN's "The Magical Mystic Spiral Tour" series. (Well, not exactly inspired, but I did get the idea for the teasers)

James Yes, that's me. I was that officer. I had two lines, but I got to draw a sword. So it all evened out

O'Neill: Well...Ms Li has given us $1000 of the school budget for this You may think that this is a lot, but you have to realise that most plays require at least four to five times this much just to break even

Seven Banners Grand Country This is based on a local amusement park. (Well, it's not exactly "local," but it is within about ten miles of where I live) They have a fund raising program where you work for eight hours a day and you get about $9.00 an hour. I was a part of this for our production of Othello, after which I vowed that I would never work in the food service ever again

Damien: Oh, I...kind of...got out of that The reason that I barely included Damien in this was because I figured that the park might not really want him. It would be kind of awkward for others if they had to talk to him through another person. And knowing his personality like I do, he wouldn't be one to fight to be a part of something he would really hate. (Confidentially, the real reason was because the other characters were complaining about the Kinsingtons getting most of the attention. Damn actors)

Darren: WHAT?! (surprised, slightly angry) See, The Kinsingtons aren't really all that Daria like. Except Darren. (although, for those of you who read Canadibrit's fics, he may seem to come off as slightly Cullenesque) I'll reveal more on their individual personalities as the series progresses. Anyway, to make a long story short (too late) See, Damien and Darren are not only Brothers, they're also like best friends. Damien is rather wacky when he's on his own. ( For example, if he could hear, and he was in a record store that was playing Boy Band music; he would probably grab his throat and pretend to choke and collapse, stuff like that) And Darren likes that. So his sense of humor is what usually helps Darren get through a really bad (or just weird) situation. And I figured that since he (Darren) doesn't have that source of humor, he may feel a bit lonely. (God, I'm trying to analyze characters that I created)

Darren...You do know we're twins, right? I got a couple e-mails from people asking me if they were twins. There's your answer

Darren: Anything you want, he'll get for you within 24 hours The answer to the question of how their uncle gets the stuff is to be left to your own imagination, where it's bound to be more outrageous. In reality, how he gets it doesn't interest me.

Daria also looks like she's about to throw up A reference to the episode "Malled." In that episode, Brittany's cheap perfume caused Daria to eventually throw up.

Dramamine Medication that some people take to combat motion sickness, vertigo, that sort of thing. It's an antihistamine, which means it doesn't combat motion sickness (which is caused by an imbalance of fluid in the middle ear) itself. instead, it makes you too drowsy to notice the dizziness

Eep (or Eap, whatever) Some people spell it "Eap" some spell it "Eep"

Upchuck: I have just the cure, but be careful it doesn't cause a fever Upchuck said that line in some other fic. I can't remember which one, so whoever wrote it: I'm sorry I plagiarized you, please don't sue

An employee...hands him a straight razor and a cup of shaving cream I had to shave my goatee when I worked there. I didn't cut myself (thank god) But I think that if I did, I'd still have to work

The Complete Unified Field Theory The unified field theory is a physics problem that stumped Einstein (as well as every other physicist that has come along) It tries to find a connection between the seemingly different forces of Gravity, Magnetism, and the strong and weak nuclear forces. (at least that's what I'm told)

Die Broke A book by Stephen Pollen and Mark Levine. It's a book about managing your money.

The Magic Voice And just who was that person talking to our heroes? I'll tell you later

How to get Anything on Anybody A book by Lee Lapin. It's basically an encyclopedia on espionage techniques and technology. If you want to know what it says about auto tailing, Click here

The international's fondness for Pearl Jam I worked in a kitchen that was made mostly made up of internationals. they seemed to have a fondness for Pearl Jam. As much as I like Pearl Jam, it really got annoying after about four hours

Quinn's first duty That was my first job. It only got worse

The english fine It's based on a cartoon I saw in my french class one day. No real reason for my inclusion of it, other than the fact that I thought it was funny

Daria cleaning out the friers (sp?) That was my second job, Yuck

Darren: What I just said I got from this really weird book on German slang That book, incidently, is called "Wicked German for the Traveler" It's really funny, even if you don't speak German. There's also a version in Japanese, French, Italian, Spanish, and Irish Gaelic

The Kids who were "Out of Costume" that happened to a couple of kids. and yes, the management did refer to our uniforms as costumes

Bing and the Spatula Man Two rather annoying radio D.J.'s from the episode "Jake of Hearts"

The Montage near the end Everything that happened to Daria and Darren happened to me. (except for the guy passing out, dammit)

Daria goes into the bathroom and closes the door...shower running This was the first thing I did when I got home from that hell

Finally, there was a small error in the footnotes of "Casting Call" I stated that the name of one of Damien's dogs came from the third book of the six book "Hitchhikers Trilogy" As someone pointed out, there are only five books. Sorry

Well, as I've said before, this thing was rather difficult to write. (Jeez, now I have to start all over again for the next one) It is for this reason that I hope you enjoy it. As usual, you know where to send your comments, criticisms, flames, rants, virii, and birthday presents (July 12, if anyone cares)

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dammit