What's With Their Eyes? (Remastered)

By

Alexander Lamar Eldritch

SCENE ONE: Mr. DeMartino's class. All of the freaks are in class when the psycho-teacher introduces Raven and Rebecca, who are in the front row, Raven on the left, Rebecca on the right.

Mr. DeMartino: Well class, we seem to have two new students joining us today. Their names are Raven Duchovny and Rebecca Anderson. Please raise your hands, Raven and Rebecca (both raise their hands). Well then, since the both of you have your hands raised… wait a minute. Which one of you is which? You both look so much alike, yet your last names are completely different!

Raven: I'm Raven and this is Rebecca to my right.

Rebecca: Hi!

Mr. DeMartino: Hmm (starring at Raven). You sound like a man, but you look like a girl!

Raven: Trust me. I am a guy.

Mr. DeMartino: Well then, since I'm already talking to you, can you unemotionally summarize how World War II began?

Raven: (Unemotionally) World War II began when Hitler invaded Poland on September 1^st, 1939, despite the fact he was told not to invade by the League of Nations. The invasion would eventually lead to most of Europe, excluding Great Britain and the neutral countries, being occupied by the Axis.

Mr. DeMartino: Very good, Raven. Almost too good. Rebecca, since you are the friend of this freak, can you tell me how the United States of America got involved in the war?

Rebecca: December 7^th, 1941, Sunday morning, almost everyone asleep, in church, or drunk, Japanese Zeros come in, destroy almost all of Pacific fleet, a lot of casualties, and the next day, the United States of America enters the war.

Mr. DeMartino: Well, I must say that I am very impressed with you, Rebecca! That's scary.

SCENE TWO: Hallway. Raven and Rebecca are at Raven’s locker, which is across from Daria’s locker. Daria is talking to Jane.

Daria: That was a very interesting class.

Jane: I know. Those two really messed up Mr. DeMartino’s mind.

Daria: Especially Raven. He even messed up my mind.

Jane: I knew something was up when I overheard those two talking, and one of them had a deep, masculine voice.

Daria: I guess androgyny is here to stay.

Jane: (now seeing Raven and Rebecca) Speaking of which… (points Daria in their direction).

Daria: Let’s go (moves across hall over to Raven’s locker, where Raven and Rebecca are talking)!

Raven: I’m thinking of entering the Silver State this spring break.

Rebecca: You think your car can handle a road race like that one?

Raven: If it can handle the streets of Lawndale, especially that seven-cornered mess they call an intersection, it can handle the Silver Sta… (notices Daria and Jane) Hello!

Rebecca: (Now noticing as well) Oh, hi!

Daria: Hi.

Jane: We would just like to thank you on scaring DeMartino in class today.

Raven: Well, we do our best.

Daria: Hey, what is with your eyes? They’re purple.

Rebecca: Oh, we have a benign genetic mutation that changed our original eye colors to purple by our first birthday.

Raven: Among other things.

Jane: Wow, now that is interesting, huh, Daria?

Daria: Um, yeah.

Jane: You’re going to have to excuse Daria. She tends to get nervous around cute boys, especially as one as cute as you, Raven!

Daria: (Embarrassed) Shut up!

Raven: That’s okay. Some girls are attracted to me because of how I look.

Rebecca: Which is why people tend to think he’s a girl or that we are twins.

Jane: Well, we got class in a few minutes, so we best be moving along.

Daria: Yeah, but it was nice meeting you guys, though.

Raven: Maybe we’ll see you two again sometime.

Rebecca: That would be cool. Well, Raven, we’d better be off to Mr. O’Neill’s class.

Raven: Okay (both start to leave).

Daria: Wait! You guys have Mr. O’Neill right now?

Rebecca: Yeah!

Jane: So do we!

Raven: Cool! Let us all go to class together, shall we (all four go off to class)?

SCENE THREE: Mr. O’Neill’s class. Raven and Rebecca are in the front row, with Daria and Jane to Raven’s Left, and Kevin and Brittany to Rebecca’s right.

Mr. O’Neill: Well, it looks like we got two new students today, class. Please welcome… (checking seating chart) Ah, yes! Raven Duchovny and Rebecca Anderson.

Raven and Rebecca: (To class) Hi!

Mr. O’Neill: Hey are you two twins?

Raven: Only in appearance, Mr. O’Neill.

Rebecca: Yeah, and besides, if we were twins, our DNA would match, as well as our last names.

Mr. O’Neill: Oh yeah. I forgot. Say, are you two okay? You look kind of pale.

Raven and Rebecca: We’re okay.

Raven: It’s just a benign genetic mutation that makes our skin extremely fair in complexion.

Rebecca: Among other things.

SCENE FOUR: Hallway. Daria, Jane, Raven, and Rebecca are at Daria’s locker. Kevin and Brittany are approaching as the four gather before going to lunch.

Daria: You actually drive a racecar to school?

Raven: Well, sort of. It’s actually a street-legal car built for road racing.

Jane: So, where do you go to race a car such as yours?

Raven: Well, this spring break I plan to enter my little ponycar in the Silver State road race, which is held biannually in Nevada every year. I’m thinking of entering in the unlimited class.

Kevin: That’s cool, bro!

Rebecca: Oh, hi! You two must be Kevin and Brittany.

Brittany: How d’you know?

Raven and Rebecca: We just pay attention.

Kevin: That’s cool. So, about this benign genetic mutation: what does it do?

Raven: Well, by our first birthday, our eye color goes from either blue or gray to purple.

Brittany: Wow! What else does it do?

Rebecca: Well, the two of us never have to shave, since the only hair we have is what all of you see right now.

Kevin: Whoa! That’s kinda freaky, dude!

Rebecca: It’s really not that bad, Kevin. I mean, the money we could’ve spent on shaving products can be spent on auto parts and fabric, among many other things.

Daria: Did you just say "fabric?"

Raven: How else can we have such cool clothes like this?

Jane: Are you guys saying that you make your own clothing?

Raven and Rebecca: Yes.

Raven: We’ve made most of everything you see on us, even the boots.

Rebecca: Yeah! The only things we didn’t make were our socks and my tights.

Raven: And our underwear. Don’t forget that.

Rebecca: Oops! I forgot about that. Sorry.

Brittany: Wow! You guys are really talented!

Raven and Rebecca: Thanks.

Brittany: You know, Raven, you kinda look like someone I’ve seen before.

Raven: Really?

Brittany: Yeah! Um… you kinda look like this one guy with a really cute first name… oh, I know! Ziggy Fairydust!

Rebecca: (Laughing) Brittany, it’s Ziggy Stardust, not Fairydust!

Brittany: Oh, yeah.

Kevin: So, where you guys going?

Daria: We were just going to lunch.

Kevin: Cool! We’ll go with you.

Jane: Okay, let’s go (as all six head off to lunch, the Fashion Club notices the group, especially Raven and Rebecca)!

Sandi: Look, Quinn. Who are those two weirdoes with your cousin?

Quinn: I heard their names were Raven Duchovny and Rebecca Anderson.

Stacy: Are they related to those guys who play Mulder and Scully on "The X-Files?"

Sandi: Stacy, why do you still watch that show? It’s so not popular.

Quinn: Who cares? We’re talking about Raven and Rebecca.

Tiffany: I heard one of them is really a guy.

Quinn: It must be the one who wears those black cherry cotton velvet pants.

Stacy: I wonder where they got those clothes?

Sandi: Definitely not at Cashman’s.

Tiffany: Have you noticed that they both wear the same color clothes and make-up?

Quinn: Not Rebecca. She wears three colors, and Raven wears just one color.

Sandi: It doesn’t matter. What does matter is that one needs a makeover and the other needs to ditch the Marilyn Manson routine. We’ll get to them later. Come on, guys. There’s a sale at Cashman’s that we simply cannot miss (the Club leaves).

SCENE FIVE: Lunchroom. Raven, Rebecca, Daria, Jane, Kevin, and Brittany are sitting at the same table. Jodie and Mack are coming over.

Kevin: Yo, Mack Daddy! Over here, bro!

Mack: Don’t call me that, okay? So, we have some new guys here today?

Daria: Mack, Jodie, this is Raven Duchovny and Rebecca Anderson.

Raven and Rebecca: Hi!

Jodie: You two are making quite the impression around school.

Mack: You got that right.

Raven: Well, we do our best.

Rebecca: And we don’t even try.

Mack: Your eyes are certainly an interesting color. Are those contacts?

Raven: No, this is our real eye color.

Rebecca: A benign genetic mutation did that to us, among other things.

Jodie: Hmm. Purple eyes, ultra-fair skin, do you guys shave?

Raven and Rebecca: No.

Daria: What’s the diagnosis, doctor?

Jodie: I heard about this once. I think our new friends have a genetic mutation called Angel’s Blessing.

Rebecca: You nailed it!

Raven: Very good, Jodie.

Jodie: Thanks!

Mack: Looks like your fashion statements will also make some people very jealous.

Daria: Especially my sister Quinn, and her friends in the Fashion Club.

Rebecca: Oh well.

Raven: Yeah. We just do whatever we damn well please, and if they don’t like it, then they don’t matter, ever.

Brittany: Umm, Raven, I’m just wondering, but are you in a band, since you wear flashy clothes and make-up?

Raven: Well, Rebecca and I are in a band, and it’s called Sundown, but the real reason why I wear all of this is because I just want to look beautiful.

Kevin: Cool, bro! Um, you’re not a gay or something, are you?

Raven: No, and I’m not a bi either. I am actually with someone special who has purple eyes, ultra-fair skin, and black cherry hair.

Kevin: Who, bro?

Jane: Kevin, who else at this table, let alone this school, matches that description?

Kevin: Umm...

Jodie: Kevin, Raven and Rebecca are a couple.

Kevin: Huh?

Mack: Kevin, Raven and Rebecca are dating each other.

Kevin: Oh! Why didn’t you say so?

Raven: Oh man (puts his head down on table).

Daria: Welcome to Lawndale High, Raven and Rebecca.

SCENE SIX: Parking lot. After school. Raven and Rebecca are looking over Raven’s car. Daria and Jane approach.

Raven: Well (slams hood), everything looks okay.

Rebecca: We may have to look at it again when we go over to your aunt’s house for dinner tonight.

Jane: Hi guys!

Raven and Rebecca: Hello!

Daria: So, this must be the car you told us about?

Rebecca: This is it alright: a 1969 Chevrolet Camaro RS/SS hardtop with a black cherry paint job, a black leather and heavy-duty vinyl interior, all powered by an all-aluminum, electronically fuel-injected, 427 cubic inch displacement ZL-1 engine that’s been supercharged, runs on E-85 ethanol, is attached to a six-speed, air-shifted transmission, and puts out 620 horsepower and 660 foot-pounds of torque at the rear wheels, which is enough to send this beast screaming down the highway at a top speed of 230 miles per hour!!!

Raven: In other words, it’s a psycho road warrior that’s gonna kick your sorry ass!

Daria: Oh. I understand.

Raven: Do you guys need a ride?

Jane: I don’t see why not, right, Daria?

Daria: Okay.

Rebecca: Cool (Opens driver-side door). Just climb in the back and watch the roll cage (as Daria and Jane get in, the Fashion Club spots Raven and Rebecca and goes over to confront them).

Sandi: Well, if it isn’t Raven and Rebecca.

Raven: Let me guess... you must be Sandi.

Sandi: That’s right, Raven, and this Tiffany, Stacy, and Quinn.

Rebecca: So, what do you guys want?

Tiffany: We want to give you two a makeover.

Raven: What’s wrong with the way we look now?

Sandi: Well, for starters, you look like Marilyn Manson.

Raven: Do not ever compare me to him! I am far better looking than he is, and as far as you freaks are concerned, the two of us are far more beautiful than you four will ever be.

Rebecca: And if you don’t like it, we just got two words for ya:

Raven and Rebecca: (While doing D-X crotch chop) SUCK IT (as the club is still in shock, Raven and Rebecca get in the car, Raven starts it, and as they pull out of the space, Raven rolls down his window to say something else)!!!

Raven: Oh, and another thing. Quinn, we know you’re Daria’s sister, so you can stop the cousin act now (drives off).

Quinn: (While the rest of club stares at her) What?!

SCENE SEVEN: The car.

Daria: Wow! You did a good job standing up to the Fashion Club.

Jane: And totally embarrassing Quinn while doing so was just icing on the cake! I’m damn proud of you guys!

Raven: Yeah, but now I’m pissed off, and that’s not good while I’m driving.

Rebecca: Well, I know just how to fix that (finds and puts in the cd player Liz Phair’s "Whip-Smart" album, then puts the cd on the title track)!

Raven: Hey, now I’m feeling better! Thanks!

Rebecca: I just do what I can (kisses Raven on the cheek). So, where do you guys want to go?

Jane: There’s a pizza place we go to after school. We can show you how to get there.

Daria: Hey, I’ll pay for the pizza. My treat.

Raven: Now I’m really happy! Thank you, Daria.

Daria: Not a problem. It’s the least I can do for our new friends.

Rebecca: Thanks. Now, let’s rock!

THE END.