"Virgin Sacrifice" By Jill Friedman Serra44@aol.com Synopsis: Daria and Jane go to the Rocky Horror Picture Show for the first time, and they get a few surprises... All characters TM MTV, except Mad Man Mike, who's a real person. All the Rocky castmembers are portrayed by people "live," but the ones who aren't mentioned are just generic Lawndalers. Act 1: Weekend plans (scene: Wednesday afternoon, Jane and Daria are walking home from school, towards Jane's house) Jane: Yo Daria, I think we should go see Rocky Horror this weekend. Daria: Oh joy. I get to prance around half naked for people I don't know and yell things at a screen. Jane: Ah, but they're _sarcastic_ things. Daria(reconsidering): Hm. And the naked thing? Jane: Optional. Daria: I'm in. (They enter Casa Lane. Trent is on the couch watching TV) TV: Coffee Houses by day, Love Dungeons by night...Today, on Sick Sad World! (TV gets turned off) Trent: Hey Janey, hey Daria. Jane: Hey, Trent. Daria: Hi. Jane: Trent, we're going to go to Rocky Horror on Saturday, want to come? Trent (slightly panicked expression): Uh...no. I have um...practice. Daria (obviously relieved): Runs late? Trent: Or early. Whatever. (Jane and Daria go up to Jane's room) Jane: Ok, if we're going to do this, we have to do this right. First, we get the annotated script from the internet, then we rent. And of course, costume design. Daria: Um...what? Jane: Well, we have to know what to say at the screen. Daria: Have you ever done this before? Jane: No, but um...I saw a thing on Vh1 about it. Daria: Vh1? Jane: Yeah. I was that bored. Daria: Ouch, where was I? Jane: Family fun afternoon. Daria: Ah. Sorry about that. Jane: Ah, it's ok. I got to see how a guy who was going to be a priest change his mind about it after his first viewing. Daria: Impressive. Act 2: Getting Ready (scene: Jane's room, they're watching the movie with a print-out of the annotated script) Daria (unenthused and obviously reading): Get an umbrella, you cheap bitch. Jane: Watch out for the slut-eating tree! Daria (slightly annoyed): I don't get this, Jane. I don't study this hard for school! Jane: Well...I just don't want to look like ignorant fools at this. Daria: Jane, we've never been before. We're going to be ignorant, deal with it. I'm going to sleep. (goes to the bathroom to change) (Trent enters) Jane: Dammit, Trent, knock! Trent: Sorry Janey. What are you watching? Jane: Rocky Horror Picture Show. I wanted to try and memorize as many lines before this weekend so Daria and I don't look like- Trent: Virgins? Jane: Ew, Trent. Don't be so nosy! Trent: No, not like that. Rocky virgins. It means you've never seen it at a theater before. Jane: Oh. And I'm to assume you're old hat? Trent(knowing smile): I've been there a...few times in my day. Jane: I see. Any pointers? Trent: Yeah. Don't dream it, be it. Jane: Huh? Trent(that smile again): You'll see. Jane (skeptically): Ok... (Daria walks out of the bathroom in her Mark Twain sleep jersey, and seeing Trent, blushes.) Trent: Hey, Daria. Daria: Uh...hi Trent. Trent: Don't be too freaked about going to Rocky. Just wear something fun, and you'll be okay. (Trent turns and leaves) Daria: Fun? Jane: Don't dream it, be it. Daria: God, that sounds like that self-esteem seminar. Jane: Hm. You're right. Oh, well. Enough studying, wardrobe then? Daria: All right, but no bustiers and no vinyl. Jane: Damn, there goes my next painting. Daria: Ha. Ha. Cut to commercial with the montage of Trent's panicked expression at the mention of RHPS when the girls got home. Act 3: Virgin Sacrifice (scene: outside the movie theater at midnight. Jane is dressed as a trannie (transylvanian) in black tights, tuxedo shirt, vest and bowtie. Big sunglasses cover her face, and buttons cover the vest. Daria is dressed as Columbia in pajamas and Mickey Mouse ears. They are staring somewhat wide-eyed at the grouping of loyal RHPS goers. We see Ms. Li slink by in full "floorshow" garb(bustier, fishnets, makeup, etc). ) Daria: Wow, and I thought we were weird. Jane: Yeah, well, at least I didn't make you wear fishnets. Daria: Thank God for small mercies. Hey look, the line's moving. (we see Mr. DeMartino taking tickets) Mr. DeM: Remeber to reTAIN your TICKET stubs, you freaks of NATURE! Jane: Wow, Mr. D, moonlighting? Mr. DeM: Do you honestly THINK I can live on a teachers' SALARY! Think again, Lane! (Mr. DeM starts to rant, so Daria and Jane continue on into the theater.) (scene: inside the theather proper, you see people milling around taking seats as Quiet Riot's "Cum on Feel the Noise" blares) Daria: Well, between the age of this movie and the music, I'm having a retrorific evening. Jane: Oh shut up. (they take seats about halfway down, near the aisle. The music starts changing to various Madonna, metal and disco tunes. Some people in the front rows start dancing and lip-synching along. All of a sudden the music dies down, and four men of varying shapes and sizes run to the front dressed like the Village People. "YMCA" starts blaring, and the men do a lip-synch show.) Daria(deadpan): Y. M. C. A. It's fun to stay at the... Jane(having fun with it, doing the hand motions etc): YMCA!!! It's fun to stay at the- c'mon, Daria! Daria: No, thank you. I'm having fun watching the other monkeys. Jane: Dammit, have fun for once. Daria: This is fun. Jane: Oh whatever. (the YMCA tribute ends, and Mad Man Mike, a very tall, skinny and bald man walks down the aisle, microphone in hand) MMM: HOW THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE TONIGHT?!?!? (crowd screams) Daria: groovy. MMM: All right, welcome to the greatest show of all time! Now, some of you have written me little love notes. Let's see here..."Dear Mad Man Mike, My friend Angela is here for the first time, why not make her feel welcome?" Ok, Angela, stand up! (we see Ms. Li stand up) MMM: Dammit, Li! Stop writing notes about yourself! (Ms. Li sits down scowling.) Jane: See, I told you this would be fun. Daria: Yeah, maybe. That was worth the $8 itself. MMM: Ok, on to the next note..."Mike: in the audience are Jane and Daria. They are virgins. Do your worst." Ok, then. Jane and Daria, stand up and go to the front please. (we see Jane get up, apprehensive but curious, and she's dragging Daria who obviously just wants to run out of the theater screaming) Jane: Oh come _on_. Daria: Jane, they used the word "virgins." Are the going to sacrifice us? Jane: Does it matter? Daria(sighing): Well, there's no volcano that I can see... (she follows Jane dejectedly. a few more people are called to the front, when 5 people, including Jane and Daria are there, they begin) MMM: Ok everyone! Here's where we play everyone's favourite game: "LET'S HAVE AN ORGASM!!!" Daria: eep. (Jane is laughing at Daria's reaction.) Jane: Don't worry. Just close your eyes and think of Trent. Daria: Die. MMM: Ok, you in the green jacket, come here. (Jane pushes Daria forward, Daria scowls at her) Ok, babe, what's your name? Daria: I am the mighty Daria. Roar. MMM: Ok, Mighty Daria, fake an orgasm for us. Daria: Oh baby. Oh baby. Oh baby. Oh. MMM: Daria, I said an orgasm, not a running commentary! (crowd laughs, Daria walks back to Jane who's starting to look a little scared) Daria(sweetly sarcastic): Oh don't worry, just close your eyes and think of Jesse. Jane: I hate you. MMM: NEXT! You in the red! What's your name, please? Jane: You Tarzan. Me Jane. MMM: heh. Ok, see if you can do any better than your friend there. (Jane proceeds to do a perfect imitation of Brittney, closing it with a "Oh Kevvy!" Thunderous applause. What we don't see is Brittney standing hidden in Columbia's sequined bustier and shorts) Daria(impressed): Jeez...when'd you learn to do that? Jane: I happened to be standing outside the laundry room at a party once. (We see the next three people go through this.) MMM: OK, now the moment of Truth. Applaud for the person you think faked the best one! Contestant number one! (half-hearted applause for Daria) MMM: Contenstant number two! (more thunderous applause for Jane) MMM: Contestant number three! (loud applause) MMM: Contenstant number three's breasts! (louder applause) MMM: Contestant number four! (some applause) MMM: Number five! (two claps, even worse than Daria) MMM: And the super Rocky virgin of the evening is....JANE!!! (thunderous applause)And you win...two CDs! (the virgins go back to their seats. Jane looks at the CDs, Moxy Früvous's "Live Noise" and TMBG's "Flood") MMM: Ok, LET THIS MOVIE BEGIN!!! (The lips go on the screen, and the movie starts. Flash to "Timewarp". Mad Man Mike is Riff, and to Daria and Jane's surprise, Andrea is Magenta.) Jane: Wow. She gets out more than we do. Daria: Somehow, I'm not surprised. (Time warp continues to the part where we meet Columbia, and the girl doing it has a beautiful body, and much like her on-screen character, a high squeaky voice. She's also a good dancer.) Jane: Is it just me, or does that Columbia look familiar? Daria (wincing at the singing): I dunno...she certainly _sounds_ familiar. (Jane, sitting on the aisle, grabs her wig when she dances by. Two blonde pigtails fall out. She screams high and shrill, then goes back into character scowling, finishing her piece.) Jane and Daria: Eeeyaahh!! Daria: We'd better leave...that was just too weird...what? (Jane is staring at a figure moving towards the middle of the area as the "stage." It stops there, facing the screen so all we can see is a back, a cape, and a crop of black spiky hair. We hear "Janet" whining hysterically, suddenly, "Frank" turns around, but it's not Frank at all...it's Trent, playing Frank. Daria screams in unison with Janet, and the chyk playing Janet.) Jane: Oh my lord. (Daria runs to the bathroom, but Jane, transfixed watches as Trent carries the character of Frank beautifully.) Jane (VO): huh, didn't know he could act.... Cut to commercial with the montage of Jane and Daria's faces when they see Brittney, then when they see Trent Act 4: More surprises for Janey (Daria's back in the seat, shrinking as far down as she can, now with popcorn and soda firmly in hand. Jane is watching Trent, amazed at her brother's talent. Daria's watching him too, but for different *cough* reasons) Jane: Isn't he great? Daria: Huh? Oh. Yeah. If he heard you say what you said during the contest, I'll kill you. Jane(thoughtfuly): I bet it was him who wrote that letter about us... (The scene where Rocky is "born" is over, and Eddie comes exploding out of the freezer. In comes the live "Eddie" as well. And it's Jesse.) Jane: Eeyahhh! Daria: Heh. Gotcha. (Eventually the movie ends, with Andrea, Jesse and Trent getting the loudest applause. The lights come up, the music resumes, and people file out. Daria and Jane are outside waiting for Trent and Jesse.) Daria: Well, that was interesting. I wasn't half naked, and I got to yell sarcastic things at a screen. Joy. Jane(smirking): _AND_ you got to see Trent in fishnets. Daria(dreamily): Yeah...er...HEY! Jane: Gotcha....hey, look, there's Brittney! (We see Brittney trying to slink past them) Brittney! Brittney: Oh! Uh... Hi guys! (twirl, twirl) Jane, I didn't know you were at Stacy's party! Jane: Yeah, front closet seats, too. Come off it, Taylor. What's with the Rocky gig? Brittney: Well, they liked my voice so much, they dragged me into it. *Teehee!* That, and I like the sequins! Uh...see you guys at school. But don't tell anyone you saw me! Daria: Your secret is safe with us, oh high-voiced one. Jane: Yeah. Something like that. Jane(to Daria): Wow. She understands she shouldn't be here, but she doesn't get why. Daria: Why am I not surprised. (Brittney leaves, Trent and Jesse walk over) Trent: Hey Janey, hey Daria. Jane: So is this where you've been every Saturday? Trent: Yeah. Jane: And every other time you've been "at practice"? Trent: Nope, just this time every week. I'm usually where I say I am. What'd you think, Daria? Daria: Uh...it was fun. Trent: You should wear some of Columbia's other outfits. They'd look good on you. Daria: Uh...thanks... Jesse: Can we go to a diner, I'm- Jane and Daria: Hungry. Trent: I know just the place, let's go get the Tank, Jess... (Jesse and Trent go to get the Tank) Jane: See, it wasn't that bad. Daria: Nope. You win. Jane: Score one for the Lane team! And anyway, you got to see Trent half-naked, you got to see Brittney as...whatever she was, and now we know how she knew how to dress when she was at that Mystik Spyral gig. Daria: Yeah. I think I'll write a story about it. (Trent drives up and beeps the horn. They pile in, and drive off into the darkness.) Reprise the themesong and roll the credits and alter-egos! (Except the alter-egos are Lawndale citizens in Rocky garb)