Special THANKS go out to Thomas Mikkelsen and Nemo Blank for their patience and assistance in beta reading these stories!

Mrs. Whitmore: I can't believe you bluffed your way into that club, Nicholas. (she shakes her head) Then what did you do?

Nick: I zipped some footage, completed my research and then got the hell out before the cops showed up.

Mrs. Whitmore: How'd you know the cops would show?

Nick: Who do you think called them?

Mrs. Whitmore: You're going to get caught one day.

Nick: Maybe.

Mrs. Whitmore: (chuckles) So how's all the archive research coming along?

(They enter a classroom.)

(Mrs. Whitmore looks at Nick who shrugs. Mrs. Whitmore then motions for the rest of the class to remain silent as she takes her seat at her desk. Nick sits down at his desk. Mrs. Whitmore then pulls out and inserts her keyboard into her desk and types something. Within moments a little red round sphere shows up in the upper corner of the video-blackboard. As soon as it touches part of the background, it becomes two little round spheres of color on the videoboard which soon become four, then eight and so on. Wherever the spheres touch, the game background loses consistency and goes transparent and then blanks out to a black nothing. The two combatants avoid the spheres and quit shooting at one another. Soon enough, they are surrounded and the spheres begin to head towards them.)

(Colin considers shooting the spheres but then puts his lasers back in their holsters and clicks on his arm band to exit the game. A moment later with red, green, yellow, blue and pink spheres closing in on him, Bob leaves the game as well.)

Bob: What do you mean?

Bob: But it destroyed everything it touched. I spent weeks getting into a game site to download it.

Bob: But you could've caused a feedback through the sense-line.

Bob: But that's not fair.

Bob: Free...?

Colin: Let it go, Bob.

Bob: But...

Nick: Bob. You accessed the desknet during school hours.

Bob: I'd permissible.

Nick: Not for private non-school use utilizing a non-filtered beta-game. Subsection 3, paragraph 32. You could've been suspended. She's letting you off easy. Don't look the Trojan in the mouth.

Bob: But...

Nick: Colin, Bridget. Your presentation, please.

(Transcribed by Steven A. Brown)

The moonlight slapped the side of the barn with a silver glow, stumbling over the cracks and splits on the wooden walls. That probably wouldn't have happened if someone had applied moisturizer now and again. The only other light piercing the barn's hide was the glitter of stars shinning through the hole in the roof above.

The place was perfect, or so Mr. O'Neill had thought at the time. It was isolated, quiet and supposed to withstand the approaching beast. Of course, there wasn't any light in there which was probably for the best as I didn't want to see Mr. O'Neill cry. Like, not any more.

In the distance, a creature, howled its presence. "Hooooooowwwwlll!!" Closer, a second one replied in kind with two short grunts, acknowledging its whereabouts.

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "Oh, God, Tiffany!" He almost cried, strengthening his hold on my arm. "It's still out there! Make it go away! Do something!"

The barn wasn't all that sturdy, so it was only a matter of time before it fell in on us. That would be bad. I had only just bought my dress this afternoon. I didn't want to get it dirty.

"Um, Mr. O'Neill? Could you let go of my arm? This isn't the right place for that kind of thing, you know?" I don't think he knew. But he let go of my arm and I could vaguely see his shape curl around a support column.

Why did this have to happen to us? How could it have happened?

There was a full moon out tonight, and from the light I caught glimpses of the creature. It was over six feet tall rippling with muscles under a furry body and walked with an awkward gait on two legs. It snarled constantly so it wasn't hard seeing dozens of flesh-ripping teeth complemented by two beady eyes.

I'd heard the legends of how ordinary people were turned into these flesh-eating creatures, but I never believed them. Where did this one come from? And didn't it know that eating red meat was so last year?

So then Mr. O'Neill said/blubbered, "Oh, my Janet. Wherefore art thou, my Janet? You could save me."

I just couldn't look at him anymore. He was too much a fashion violation.

The day had started like every other day for the past three years. I woke up from my parent's dog licking my face. Ugh. Dog breath. Then I got up and put him outside so I could go get ready for school. I then got ready for school. Then I went downstairs and had breakfast – toast, tea, my vitamins and other capsules, and my one vicky... no, viagr... no, let's see – what was that word... oh, yeah, vice. I grabbed a stick of gum. With sugar on it. Mmmmmm.

I then went to school. It was always the same. Go to class, sit in class, listen to classroom noise and think about what to do after school. Read Waif or go to Cashman's? Ooohh, it made my head hurt sometimes to think about which to do.

Only today was different.

I didn't have to think about after school. Ms. Li thought of it for everyone.

I was in science class with Sandi, Quinn, Stacy and a lot of other somebodies. Ms. Barch was saying something. It seemed kind of familiar but I wasn't sure why.

So then Ms. Barch said, "... and as you can see, it's the MALE version of sunlight that causes skin cancer. Just like it's always a MALE that causes problems to females..."

So then a somebody said, "Um... Ms. Barch? I don't think sunlight is categorized as male or female..."

So then Ms. Barch said, "That's typical MALE behavior there, Martin. But I'll overlook it for now since you've just volunteered to assist me in out next experiment."

Oh, right. It was a male somebody.

So then the male somebody named Martin said, "Um... I didn't volun..."

So then Ms. Barch said, "Quiet, you MALE and get up here. Now hold this wire. Girls, I want you to see what happens to the human nervous system when you touch a live wire. You! Male! Get back here! Hold that wire. It's not active. Yet. You see, girls, once I flip this switch..."

But then Ms. Li came in the classroom and gave an announcement in an announcy kind of voice. She always did that. I didn't mind – at least it got the other voices in my head to keep quiet for a bit.

So then Ms. Li said, "Goooood morning, students! Goooood news! We have received permission from the superintendent to go to a star gazing outing tonight..."

So then Quinn asked, "Why tonight?"

So then Ms. Li said, "What?"

So then Quinn said, "Why tonight? Why not during the day when we could easily go to the planetarium and miss out on other classes?" That was Quinn for you. She was always smart trying to get us out of class or additional homework.

So then Sandi said, "Gee, Quinn, I wish I had thought of that. Maybe you blah blah blah." I kind of lost interest in what she said. It must not have been very important.

So then Ms. Li said, "Because we are NOT going to the planetarium, Miss Morgendorffer. Why look at fake stars and constellations when you could see the real thing at night?"

So then Quinn said, "Another budget crunch, eh?"

So then Ms. Li said, "Uh... er... ah, okay then. We will all meet here tonight at 8pm to go to Wild Bill's Telescopes Rentals and see real stars tonight! And better yet, you will be going with students who did this last year to help you make out the constellations."

Make out. That sounded a lot like make up. I was running a little low on base powder. I knew I needed to tell Stacy so she could make a note of it for later.

So then Ms. Barch said, "I can't make it tonight."

So then Ms. Li said, "I'm sure it's not anything you can't reschedule..."

So then Ms. Barch said, "I'm meeting with my lawyer."

So then Ms. Li said, "And I'm sure Mr. O'Neill will be happy to take your place then."

So then Ms. Barch seemed to want to say something but didn't.

So then Stacy asked, "Do we need permission slips?"

So then Ms. Li said, "Of course you do. But don't worry – I've got copies from the last trip we didn't take and have successfully changed the destination on it to match tonight's. Participation is mandatory. And make sure to bring some spending money as those telescope rentals don't come cheap. That is all. Resume learning."

And then she left. She was always leaving like that. Well, a few minutes later the voices resumed in my head. It was time to do my mental exercises. One plus one was two. One plus two was three. One plus three was four.

But then Sandi said, "Tiffany?! Are you going to Cashman's later with us or not?"

Oh darn. I lost track. So I said, "Yeah." It was a good answer. Darn voices again. One plus one was two...

So then a voice said, "Aaaaaaiiiiieeeeeee!!"

So then Ms. Barch said, "Be quiet, you MALE!"

Then came lunch. It was at school. That was sooooo wrong.

Sandi and Quinn and Stacy were waiting in line. I got a diet soda out of the machine that accepts coins for cans or something like that. It was good soda. It hardly had any taste at all. Taste caused fat. I'm sure of it. I should know. I was fat once. I don't want to go through that again.

Lunch was the same. The voices usually got louder and I was getting better at ignoring them. Still, I took my vitamins and other dietary supplements with my soda. Eeewwwww. Someone forgot to tell Quinn's sister that today was a non-green day.

I sat down and began eating my lunch. Stacy, Sandi and Quinn also sat down and we ate. It was nice. Then the voices started up. Something about winning a football game this weekend. It was weird. Why would anyone want to put a ball on their foot?

Then came classes in the afternoon and the voices finally stopped in Mr. DeMartino's class. Actually, I did hear one voice saying blah gun blah grenade blah combat or something but all I could do was watch Mr. DeMartino's fashion crisis and cringe. His tie was so not with his shoes. The only good contrast he gave was when his eye bulged out. The red veins matched his socks so that was okay.

Later Sandi, Quinn, Stacy and myself all went to Cashman's. It was okay. They had a new dress. I could see myself in one of them if I wasn't fat. I asked Quinn if I would look fat in one but she said no. She always said that. I'm not sure I can trust her judgment of my shape any longer. Sandi would tell me.

Then came dinner which was better avoided as it involved my parents, their dog panting all over my dress and more supplements. Plus a salad. I skipped the dressing as it was too fattening.

My mom asked, "Wah wah wah wah wah wah?"

"Yes, mom. I took my pills."

So then my dad asked, "Wah wah wah wah wah wah?"

"Yes, dad. Zachary got his filet as you instructed."

So my dad said, "Wah wah wah wah wah wah, wah, wah, wah, wah."

"Yes, dad. His coat is getting shiny. You should win this time." Zachary was the dog. "I have to go to a school function tonight. Can I have some money?"

So my mom asked, "Wah wah wah wah wah wah?"

"I think it's for microscope rentals or something."

So my mom asked, "Wah wah wah wah wah wah?"

"Yes, you did sign a permission slip. Ms. Li said she has one from all the parents."

So my dad said, "Wah wah wah wah wah wah, wah, wah, wah, wah."

"Eeeewwwww. Dad, that's so gross. You know I don't take Zachary out for a walk after he's eaten because of that reason."

I had met Sandi, Quinn and Stacy at school. They were wearing very fashionable clothes. Not like any of the other riders on the bus. Especially Quinn's sister who still wore that green jacket.

So then Ms. Li said, "Okay, young people. Let's load up on the bus. You'll be assigned a partner once we've gotten to Wild Bill's Telescope Rentals. Speaking of which, you all remembered to bring your rental money, correct? Good, good. Nothing like a little kick... I mean nothing like your fine school spirit helping to support after school activities. Keep in mind that you'll be graded on your ability to find star constellations. That is all. Resume vacant stares."

I sat with Sandi near the back of the bus as that was where the popular kids sat. I don't understand why. Maybe it had something to do with being the furthest away from Mr. O'Neill. I guess it didn't matter. We were the popular ones so we sat where it was popular.

The bus started and I could swear I recognized the bus driver from somewhere but I couldn't put my finger on it. It was on the tip of my tongue. We pulled out of the parking lot and got on the road. It was nearly dark as we started. A couple minutes into the trip the voices in my head started making more racket than a few minutes earlier. Some of the voices asked questions.

So then a voice asked, "Um, Ms. Li? Are we there yet?"

So then Ms. Li said, "No."

So then another voice asked, "How about now?"

So then Ms. Li said, "No."

And some of the voices, ones I recognized, asked other questions.

So then Joey said, "Quinn, can I be your telescope partner?"

So then Jamie said, "Don't listen to him, Quinn. Can I be your telescope partner? I can find stars easier than him."

So then Jeffy said, "Don't listen to him either, Quinn. Be my telescope partner."

So then Quinn said, "Guys, guys. I can't be expected to pick out my telescope partner on such short notice. Give me time. I'll think it over. Of course if I had a soda I could think things over a little easier."

So then Joey said, "I'll find you a soda."

So then Jamie said, "How? We're on a bus, you moron."

So then Joey said, "Who's a moron, you moron!"

So then Jeffy said, "Hey, Kevin, do you have a soda?"

I was sitting next to Sandi. I remembered when boys used to do that kind of thing for Sandi and I'd get a little of the leftover gratitude from them as well. I really missed those days. Becoming more fashion conscientious hasn't replaced those good old days. Sometimes I think guys couldn't see fashion even if it was in front of their nose.

A few rows in front of us, Quinn's sister, um, Darreen - no, Darla - no, Daria! That was it. She got up along with her friend, that Jane-girl and walked back towards us.

So then Daria said, "Quinn, do you have any idea why Joey, Jeffy or Jamie came up to me and asked if I had a soda they could borrow?"

So then Quinn said, "I'm sure I don't know what you mean, Daria."

So then Daria said, "Yeah, right. Anyway since you're all fresh meat on this assignment..."

So then Sandi said, "What?"

So then that Jane-girl said, "You know, fresh meat. Newbies. You don't know what the hell is going on."

So then Stacy said, "What?"

So then Daria said, "It's like this, see. As you know we have a full moon tonight. That means we'll be counting on you to sacrifice yourselves for us once the plethora of supernatural beings that come out during times like this decide to pounce. As is, we're anticipating at least one of us won't be coming back tonight."

So then that Jane-girl said, "At least, not in one piece."

So then Sandi said, "What?"

So then that Jane-girl said, "You know, werewolves, vampires, that sort of thing. If we were across the state line then it would be our responsibility to keep you safe but since we're here, then it's your responsibility to keep us safe."

So then Stacy said, "You're just trying to scare us. There's no such thing as werewolves or vampires."

Hey, they were trying to scare us. I've seen Scared Straight. Straight. George Straight. He looks good in jeans. Not many people could pull it off but he can. But that cowboy hat... it has to go. It's so... 90's.

So then Daria said, "Sure I'm trying to scare you. You keep telling yourself that and you just might believe it."

So then Quinn said, "Oh, ha, ha, Daria. Can you go and sit down now?"

So then Daria said, "Sure, but have any of you given any thought as to who you want to partner up with on this assignment?"

So then Sandi said, "I'm sure we'll be perfectly fine on our own, thank you very much."

So then Daria said, "No problem. But remember not to stray too far outside of Wild Bill's lighting area. You wouldn't want to..."

So then that Jane-girl said, "Daria! You said you weren't going to bring that up again."

So then Daria said, "Jane, they have a right to know."

So then that Jane-girl said, "Look, it was never confirmed. They never found her body. For all anyone knows, she just took off and wasn't eaten by a wild ani..."

So then Daria said, "Sssshhhhh. Not so loud. You don't want Kevin to freak out again. Not like last year."

Kevin, who was sitting in front of me turned around.

So then Kevin said, "What are you guys talking about? I didn't freak out last year. I got all the constellations right. Orion's boot. The Taurus dipper."

So then Brittany said, "Isn't that what your mom drives?"

So then Kevin said, "Oh, ho, ho, ho, good one, babe. No. She drives a two-door."

So then that Jane-girl said, "You remember, Kevin. When your partner came up missing on the bus ride back last year. Some said you were to blame for her disappearance."

So then Brittany said, "Kevvie!"

So then Kevin said, "Uh. Oh, yeah. That's right. But it wasn't my fault. She must have gotten on another bus is all."

So then that Jane-girl said, "There was only one bus last year like there's one bus this year, Kevin. Now did you or did you not kiss her?! We have ways of making you talk, you know."

So then Brittany said, "Kevvie!!"

So then Kevin said, "I don't know what you're talking about. Um... you can't rattle me. Yeah. That's right. I'm the QB. Nothing rattles me. I'm cool under fire. I don't know what you're talking about."

So then Daria said, "Oh yeah? What about when... whisper, whisper, whisper."

So then Kevin said, "Aaaaaaahhhhh! Oh god! Not again. I thought I'd forgotten that. Boo-hoo-hoo! Why?! Why must god hate me like this?!"

Kevin turned around and slumped in his seat, that Brittany person near him patting him on the back with a "there, there," or something. I sort of lost interest and quit listening.

Daria and that Jane-girl went and sat down again. As they walked away I heard them say something.

So then that Jane-girl said, "That was almost too easy with Kevin."

So then Daria said, "Like shooting fish in a barrel."

So then that Jane-girl said, "Stupid fish. Makes you wonder how they got in the barrel in the first place."

So then Daria said, "Not really."

Joey, Jeffy and Jamie, who had returned to their seats by now, started mumbling nervously to one another. So did Quinn, Stacy and Sandi. I don't know what the big deal was. All Quinn's sister said to Kevin was that she had heard that the NFL was going on strike again and that the superbowl was going to be canceled as a result, leaving room for a three hour marathon session of in-depth makeover tips. That was a good thing. Not a bad thing. Oh well. Sandi would figure out what to do. And then maybe some of those voices will get a little softer and I can go back to thinking of important matters. Makeup inventory.

Then it hit me. I looked at that Daria and her friend. They were smiling in a weird kind of way. Like, when Sandi smiles. That was frightening. Or it would have been if I hadn't stayed up late the other night watching the horror network play Howling I – III. It was classic foreshadowing. They knew something. Someone was going to die. Bummer. Too bad someone had to die. It wouldn't be Daria, though, as the pretty ones (even the makeup-impaired ones) were usually saved for last. It was usually the "mean" pretty ones who were the first to go. That made Sandi a prime target.

"Quinn? Would you mind switching seats with me? I need to talk with Stacy for uhhhh...." Drat. What was that word I was looking for? Where a psycho would feel compassion towards you and let you go. Hmmm.

So Quinn said, "Weight advice?"

Close enough. "Yeah," I said. I scooted over to a new seat. Stacy had a much better survival rating.

A few minutes later all hell broke loose.

Sandi broke a nail.

The bus stopped a few minutes later not from Sandi breaking a nail but from the cause of what caused her to break a nail. A car had crossed a double yellow line to get around the bus and had almost gotten hit head-on for it. The driver managed to save his car by swerving in front of the bus which caused the bus driver to swerve so he wouldn't hit the car. The resulting swerving of the bus not only caused Sandi to break a nail but also caused the engine to stop working on the bus. It must've had a seizure.

So then the bus driver said, "Of all the IDIOTIC, MORONIC driving, IF YOU COULD CALL IT THAT! I bet even KEVIN wouldn't have DONE THAT bad!"

So then Kevin said, "Hey, thanks Mr. D.!"

The bus driver's speech pattern was familiar. I know I'd heard that voice before. If only all these other voices weren't going on and on in my ears.

So then Ms. Li said, "Okay, young people. Off the bus and stretch your legs. That's it. Off you go. You too, Miss Morgendorffer."

We all got off the bus and walked on some unsanitary dirt. The bus driver had pulled over to the shoulder and was trying to get the bus restarted. The bus didn't sound like it wanted to get moving. I knew that feeling.

So then the bus driver said, "C'mon, start you lousy good for nothing piece of... bloody... if only I'd rammed..."

So then Ms. Li said, "What's the verdict, Mr. DeMartino?"

DeMartino! No wonder he seemed so familiar. He must've been related to my history teacher. I think.

Do then Mr. DeMartino said, "It won't start."

So then Ms. Li said, "I can see that."

Do then Mr. DeMartino said, "Good. Now can you TELL ME why I ever LEFT the service to become a TEACHER?! All I ever seem to do is work on either non-responsive students or non-responsive buses. Where's the regular bus driver anyway?"

So then Ms. Li said, "Never mind that, just get that bus working. (softer) Lousy union concessions... If only I could have... (louder) Okay, how much time are we looking at?"

Do then Mr. DeMartino said, "Radio in for another bus, you're looking at another hour. During which I'll probably figure out what the heck's gone wrong with the engine and fix it. You're call."

So then Ms. Li said, "Fix it. In the meantime... (much louder) Okay, people, we're only a few miles from Wild Bill's so we'll have to hike the last bit. Once Mr. DeMartino here has fixed the bus he'll meet us up there for the ride back. Any questions?"

So then some nameless student said, "What if we don't want to go hiking in the woods in the middle of the night?"

So then Ms. Li said, "Then you'll get failing grades on this project."

So then the nameless student said, "Better failing grades then to break your neck or get attacked by wild animals."

So then another nameless student said, "That goes for me too. I'm not going, not after hearing the rumors of wild animals attacking people in the woods."

So then Ms. Li said, "Those wild animals died out over a hundred years ago, young people!"

So then the first nameless student said, "Doesn't matter. They're probably just hiding and waiting for us to let our guard down so they can pounce on us when we're least expecting it."

Do then Mr. DeMartino said, "I know what that feels like."

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "Ms. Li, maybe we should leave some of the more sensitive ones behind to help Anthony get the bus running. I'm sure they'll make it to the telescope site in plenty of time."

So then Ms. Li said, "Fine. Who here has the guts to go for a night hike up a mysterious mountain?"

Of course no one raised a hand.

So then Ms. Li said, "Fine. Who here has the guts to go for a night hide up a mysterious mountain with a guaranteed "B" no matter what? And you'll still get an "A" if you get the constellations right."

A minute later about 20 hands were up in the air. A "B"! That would be my first of the year!

So then Ms. Li said, "Better. Okay, Timothy, let's get them going."

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "Um, I thought it might be better if I..."

So then Ms. Li said, "You thought wrong, mister! Just think of one thing as you march up this mountain: tenure."

So that was how 20 students and two teachers began hiking up a mountain trail at night, with a full moon out. Surprisingly Quinn's sister and her friend also came along. I'm not sure why. I'm pretty sure I heard something about a "mom bribe" but I don't think I heard that correctly considering there were plenty of other voices yakking up a storm in my head. Maybe she meant "mom bride" but why would her mother be a bride? Oh. Divorce and remarriage. I had seen that before.

So then Ms. Li said, "Okay, people. We're going to head up this trail towards Wild Bill's Telescope Rentals. It's only four or five miles, so no bellyaching back there. That means you, Miss Morgendorffer."

I thought I heard some grumbling behind me but there was only that Jane-girl and Quinn's sister. I looked over at Quinn. She wasn't grumbling. She was saying something to Stacy. I hoped it wasn't about how my dress made me look fat. The complains started anyway. At least that's what the voices I heard in my head seemed to be saying. I didn't mind the walk. It was easier to take long walks without having a dog on the leash that wanted to go everywhere, sniff everything or leave it's body fluids (ewww) on just about everything. About five minutes into the walk some of the guys ahead of us rushed back to chat with us.

No, wait. Chat with Quinn.

So then Joey said, "Quinn, blah blah blah?"

So then Jeffy said, "No, Quinn, blah blah blah?"

So then Jamie said, "Don't listen to him, Quinn. Blah blah blah?"

So then Quinn said, "Guys, I really don't think blah blah blah." This sounded somewhat familiar so I lost interest. I'm sure it was the same thing she always said. It sounded like the same thing they always said.

I wish they made a fuss over me that way.

I was walking slightly behind Quinn, with Stacy and Sandi ahead of her. Behind me was Quinn's sister, Daria, that Jane-girl and a couple other nameless kids who I didn't find out their names since if they didn't have a name then their survival rating was way down and would be mountain lion food before too long. It was kind of like someone wearing a red shirt on Star Trek – certain death. Only with fewer fashion violations.

So then that Jane-girl said, "Look at the full moon. Makes you wonder doesn't it?"

So then Daria said, "Wonder about if we have sufficient light so we don't misstep and fall down a ravine and break our necks?"

So then that Jane-girl said, "Well I was going to say it makes you wonder if we're alone in the forest or if there are any carnivorous beasts laying in wait or already stalking us but yours is much more upbeat."

So then Lech said, "A fine night for a walk isn't it, ladies?"

So then Daria said, "Speaking of carnivorous beasts. Get lost, Upchuck."

Oh, right. Upchuck. I always get his name confused. He has a lot of them. Everyone calls him something different. It must be nice to have a lot of nicknames.

So then Lech, I mean, Upchuck said, "Grrowwl, fiesty. You know, my precious ladies, if you are afraid of the dark I could lend you my escort services."

So then that Jane-girl said, "In your dreams."

So then Daria said, "Don't get him started, Jane. I don't want to hear about it."

So then Upchuck said, "Are you sure....?"

So then that Jane-girl said, "I'd rather be eaten by ravenous army ants."

So then Upchuck said, "Now my fiesty Jane, there aren't any army ants...."

So then Daria said, "Then what do you call those things crawling up your pants?"

So then Upchuck said, "Eeeeekkk! Get 'em off, get 'em off!"

So then Daria said, "I hear rolling around on the ground can crush them before they start biting your flesh into shreds."

Upchuck dropped and rolled on the ground.

So then that Jane-girl said, "You're not putting your heart into it, Upchuck! There's more than ever! Roll faster! Faster! Move it, move it!"

Upchuck rolled over and over and over and kind of fell down an incline.

So then Upchuck said, "...eeeeeiiii......." The sound became fainter.

So then Daria said, "Have you thought of becoming a drill instructor, Jane?"

So then that Jane-girl said, "You wish."

So then Daria said, "C'mon, be one of the few, the proud."

So then that Jane-girl said, "Can I order you to take a certain musician out on a date?"

So then Daria said, "You wish."

I liked listening to their voices. It wasn't the same as most of the other voices I normally heard in my head. They actually made sense. Some of the time. When I could follow what they were saying. Which was only some of the time.

Ms. Li came back to investigate what all the noise was that Lech, I mean, Upchuck made.

So then Daria said, "Upchuck fall down, go boom."

So then Ms. Li said, "And just what caused him to fall down?"

"Army ants," I said.

So then Ms. Li said, "...grumble... lousy kids.... Alright. Remain here and remain calm. I will deal with the situation as a trained administrative professional. Mr. O'Neill, you're in charge until I get back. Mr. Thompson, you'll come with me."

So then Kevin said, "Why me? I'm the QB. You don't want to risk losing me to vampire werewolves do you?"

So then Ms. Li said, "What are you talking about, young man?"

So then Daria said, "Does anyone ever really know?"

So then Ms. Li said, "Good point, Miss Morgendorffer. Mr. Thompson, you're coming with me and that's final."

So then Kevin said, "But..."

So then Daria said, "Maybe there's pro scouts down there, Kevin."

So then Kevin said, "Hey, yeah! Okay, Ms. ... uh..."

So then Daria said, "Li. One syllable."

So then Kevin said, "Oh yeah! Ms. One Syllable. I'm the QB. I'll do it."

So off they went.

So then that Jane-girl said, "You're really evil, you know that?"

So then Daria said, "I do what I can."

I didn't like the looks of this. It was how every reported account started. First the thingie or psycho divides the group and then starts stalking each one, killing them. I needed to stay close to Stacy. She was cute and vulnerable meaning she held a good survival rating. No one would kill her until she was the last one left.

We stood around for about five more minutes before Kevin came running back up towards us.

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "Kevin, what is it? Where's Angela?"

So then Kevin said, "...sniffle, sob... It was horrible, man! Horrible!"

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "What was? Get ahold of yourself!"

So then that Jane-girl said, "You want me to slap him around some?"

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "I don't think that will help him, Jane."

So then that Jane-girl said, "Who said anything about it helping him?"

So then Kevin said, "We... we were going down towards where the pro scouts were when I got distracted for a moment. I turned my head only for a moment and the next Ms. Li was gone."

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "So you ran back up here, is that it?"

So then Kevin said, "No. I'm the QB, remember? I have duties not every kid in high school has."

So then Daria said, "Do these duties include drinking massive amounts of beer?"

So then Kevin said, "Yeah! Anyway, I knew I had to find her. So I went forward another hundred feet or so when I stepped into something. I looked down and there was blood and bones everywhere! It was gruesome! And a few feet further was Ms. One Syllable's severed head lying near some bushes. Oh god, it was horrible!"

Sandi, Stacy, Quinn and I gasped. It was horrible alright. No automatic B on this assignment.

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "So that's when you ran back up, right?"

So then Daria said, "I bet that's not the first thing he did."

So then that Jane-girl said, "I don't want to take that bet. Nor would I want to do his laundry."

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "Okay, everyone, this has certainly put a damper on tonight's festivities..."

"Killings usually do that," I said. Everyone looked at me. "What?" I wasn't saying anything that wasn't already obvious.

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "...um... okay. Anyway, what we're going to do next is band together and hurry up to Wild Bill's where I'm sure he has a telephone so we can call for help."

So then Daria said, "Have you ever been to Wild Bill's Telescope Rentals?"

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "No, but how hard can it be to find? All we have to do is ask the first bear in blue jeans wearing a hat and holding a shovel we come across for directions."

So then Quinn said, "Oh, god. We're all going to die."

So then Sandi said, "Quinn, like, get ahold of yourself already."

So then that Jane-girl said, "Do you want me to slap her around for you?"

So then Sandi said, "She might need it."

So then Quinn said, "How's that going to help me?"

So then Sandi said, "Who said anything about it helping you?"

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "Okay, everyone. I'll take... um... the first position..."

So then Daria said, "Point."

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "...um... okay. Anyway, I'll take the first position and everyone else should stay calm and follow closely behind me. I'll get us out of here. Don't you worry. In fact, turn those frowns upside down and we'll make an adventure out of it."

Sandi, Quinn, Stacy, Jodie, Mack, Brittany, Kevin, Joey, Jeffy, Jamie, that Jane-girl, Andrea the other nameless kids and myself all turned from Mr. O'Neill towards Daria.

So then Daria said, "We might as well as follow him. He's going in the right direction after all. And besides, if any wild animals do show up, we can always throw Mr. O'Neill to it which will buy us time to get to safety."

That made sense. Everyone liked that idea. So did I. He didn't have a very good survival rating. So we clustered around Mr. O'Neill and began climbing the mountain again, going a little bit faster this time. We were trying to be quiet in order to listen for werewolves or jaguars. The cat, not the car. But it's a very nice car. Anyway, I heard that Jane-girl say something to Daria.

So then that Jane-girl said, "Too bad we're not on a sleigh with the wolves behind us, eh?"

So then Daria said, "Hmmm. The ice-cold breath of old man winter in Siberia or a warm spring evening on a mountain with death and mayhem in the air. I don't know which one appeals to me more."

"You could try giving him some gum," I said.

So then Daria said, "What?"

"Some gum. Old man Winter. I bet he has terrible breath. My old uncle does. I try to give him gum all the time. He won't take it because he says it causes his teeth to fall out."

So then Quinn said, "Tiffany, I think you should stay close to Mr. O'Neill so you can... um..."

So then Daria said, "Give us the details on his leadership so we don't step in it."

"Um. Okay. I guess."

And that was how a few minutes later I was walking behind Mr. O'Neill. He walked upwards. Ever onwards. If he kept it up much longer I was sure to break a sweat. And that would be bad.

I wondered if Stacy had an anti-sweat mascara. I looked back towards my friends. They were near the end of the line with the other 15 students.

Oooooofff. I nearly tripped on a tree root. Of all the lousy places to put it, why did someone have to put it on this trail? What was I thinking of before? Oh, right. Mascara.

I looked back to ask Stacy a question and saw she was at the rear of the line with the other 12 people.

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "...mumble.... dammit, Janet... you know I ...." Or something. I was beginning to lose interest in what he said. But it was freaky. Mr. O'Neill was beginning to sound like my grandfather. He certainly had about as much fashion sense as him.

"Stacy?" I asked, turning around while walking again. Only she wasn't there. She wasn't in the line with any of the other 9 people.

I turned around and didn't want to think of it. This was bad.

I turned around again and counted again to make sure. Yep. There were only 6 other people in line.

This was very bad.

"Um, Mr. O'Neill," I said, tapping him on the shoulder.

"Hhhhowwwwwwwllllllll!!" went the first of the howls in the distance.

This was very, very bad.

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "I don't think we'd better stop for a restroom break now, Tiffany. I think we'd better hurry it up."

I looked behind us and saw the same kind of fear I felt on the remaining 4 people.

This was very, very, very bad.

"Um, Mr. O'Neill," I said, tapping him on the shoulder again.

"Hhhhowwwwwwwllllllll!!" went the howl again.

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "Not now, Tiffany. This isn't good. In fact, I think we'd better make a run for it."

He grabbed my arm and pulled me along, starting to run. This was very, very, very bad. My shoes weren't designed for this kind of activity.

I looked behind us again and saw that we were alone. On a plus note at least the constant voices I kept hearing were quiet again. Well, most of them.

Then it went from bad to worse. In the distance I heard the recognizable blood curdling scream of Sandi. And a few minutes later I heard faint voices shouting, then some more screaming, then some more faint howling and then it was all quiet again.

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "Gasp! It must've gotten them. C'mon, Tiffany! I'll save you if it's the last thing I do!

This was when Mr. O'Neill saw the barn. We ran to it, got in, and he closed the doors, barricading it with a piece of wood. We'd heard a few more distant screams in the night. But the peace and tranquility of the barn lasted only about another 10 minutes until the creature outside finally showed up.

Which brings us back to where this story started.

The east wall shook from the brunt of an attack, but still held. The closer creature was getting bold, and Mr. O'Neill was panicking more. Dust and straw fell from above. Looking up I noticed how big the hole in the ceiling really was. When it first showed up, I boarded and locked up everything I could, but I hadn't counted on that hole.

Unfortunately, Mr. O'Neill noticed it too. He gasped.

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "Darnnit, Tiffany! It'll get through that hole in the roof! We need to do something!"

What was this we thingie? If I went up there, I was sure to break a nail. Or mess up my shoes. Maybe even get a splinter. But the creature heard what Mr. O'Neill screamed and began climbing up the side of the barn. Huffing and puffing all the time. Nail be darned, I had to do something. I couldn't let it in. I had to protect Mr. O'Neill -- I had to, or I wouldn't get a passing grade and would need to go to summer school. That was sooooo wrong.

Reaching the top, it turned out I was too late. I noticed gleaming fangs grinning triumphantly at me. Then the shape fell through the hole, and landed on Mr. O'Neill below.

So then Mr. O'Neill let out a loud, "Aaaaahhhhh."

So then the big thingie said, "Uuuuhhhffff," as it rolled off Mr. O'Neill. "Sorry about that."

It sounded like a guy.

He got to his feet and looked up at me. He probably noticed I was fat.

So then the big hairy guy said, "Greetings, sir and madam. My name is Derrick Wierwulf and I'm from the life insurance company of Carnage, Cartilage, and Smith and..."

So then Mr. O'Neill screamed, "Eeeeeeeeeeeeekkkk! A life-insurance selling werewolf!! We're doomed!!"

So then the big hairy guy said, "Geez, not again. Look buddy, I'm not a werewolf, okay?"

"Werewolf?" I asked.

So then Mr. O'Neill said/blubbered, "Werewolf!" And he pointed at the big hairy guy.

So then the big hairy guy said, "Oy. Fine. Werewolf."

"There wolf," I said, pointing in the distance as I saw something on four legs baying at the moon. "There door," I pointed again.

So then the big hairy guy asked, "Why are you talking like that?"

"I thought you wanted to."

So then the big hairy guy said, "No, not really. I've had a long night, okay."

"Suit yourself."

So then the big hairy guy asked, "Do you need any help getting down from there?"

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "Tiffany! Don't trust him! He's a werewolf!"

So then the big hairy guy said, "Look mack, it's been a long night. Give it a rest already. I'm not a friggin' werewolf, okay?"

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "Then how do you explain all that grunting and heavy breathing you were doing outside?"

So then the big hairy guy said, "Look, there was some howling in the distance and I sure didn't want to end up like as some critter's dinner so I ran up the trail and saw this barn. You try running up a mountain with asthma something and see how short of breath you get."

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "Then what about all your hair? How do you explain that?"

So then the big hairy guy said, "Hey, it's genetics, man. You try shaving 3 times a day."

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "What about your unusual displays of strength and all?"

So then the big hairy guy said, "Hey, it's genetics, man. When I hit puberty, it just sort of sprang up on me and all. One day I'm walking around at 150 pounds and the next thing you know I've gained a hundred pounds of muscle. How embarrassing."

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "You're not wearing a shirt, just like a werewolf would do at night."

So then the big hairy guy said, "Hey, it's hot out there, dude. You try rushing up a mountain to help some school kids when you have as much hair as me and see if you don't sweat a little."

"Eeeewwwwww."

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "Then what about your snout? How do you explain that?"

"Mr. O'Neill, that's just rude. Besides, it's not that big."

So then the big hairy guy said, "Thanks." And he helped me down. I got a better look at his nose.

"It's just a little... fat is all."

So then the big hairy guy said, "Thanks a lot." I don't think he really meant it though.

"What was your name again?" I asked.

So then the big hairy guy said, "Derrick Wierwulf. Wier. As in Weird but no 'd' if that makes it any easier."

"No, not really. 'errick is hard to say. Can I call you Derrick instead?"

So then 'errick said, "Sure. For you, anything." That was nice because it was hard spelling 'errick when I could spell Derrick a lot easier.

And when he looked at me, the voices seemed very faint. That was nice. Still one voice persisted.

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "Aaaaahhhh, I can't move my arm. I think it's broken."

"Mr. O'Neill," I said. "I'm trying to talk here. What was it you did again, Derrick?"

So then Derrick said, "Well, I sell health insurance. That looks like a pretty nasty break you've got there, pal. Too bad my policies don't cover pre-existing conditions."

"I don't get it," I said.

So then Derrick said, "I sell health as well as life insurance policies, Tiffany."

"I don't get it," I said.

So then Derrick said, "Insurance. It pays the bills when you either die or get hurt. Like, what if a wild animal was to maul you?"

"I don't think I have to worry about that. I'm not fat anymore. Animals go after fat people, not thin people."

So then Derrick looked at me and said, "You sure are thin at that. What are you, anorexic?"

"No." As if.

So then Derrick asked, "Bulimic?"

"No. Throw up? No way. That would discolor my teeth." I opened my purse. "Here's how I stay in shape. I take Flintstone Chewables, Ritalin, Vitamin A, Adderall, Calcium, Concerta, some Vitamin E, Dexedrine..."

So then Derrick said, "Jeez, you're a walking pharmacy, Tiffany."

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "I don't suppose you have any pain killers or aspirin in there, do you?"

"Mr. O'Neill! I'm trying to talk here. Now where were we, Derrick? Oh yes, you don't think this dress makes me look fat do you – especially to wild animals?"

So then Derrick said, "Look, Tiffany. I'm only a few years older than you and I may not know much of what's what in the world, but I can tell you one thing for sure. You are not fat. If anything, look at me. I'm fat. Look at these love handles." He grabbed a handful of skin and tissue with each hand and warbled it around like silly putty.

That was sooooooo... sooooooo... what was that word? Sooooo not-right.

"You're not fat. You're just a little... fat."

So then Derrick said, "Thanks a lot." I think that was another one of those not-real thanks.

"But it looks good on you." It really did. As long as he didn't warble those love handles.

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "Could someone make me a splint?"

"Mr. O'Neill... I'm in the middle of something here."

So then Derrick said, "You think being fat looks good on me?"

"Oh, yeah."

So then Derrick said, "You're not just saying that, are you?"

"Of course not. You have larger problems then being fat. I mean, just look at your receding hairline."

So then Derrick said, "Thanks a lot." This time, I think he meant it. He sure did have nice eyes.

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "Oh, the agony..."

"Mr. O'Neill... That's just being rude."

We heard the howling every now and then. I didn't mind it so much as Derrick was there with me.

"...and then Quinn said, 'Oh, no, Sandi, I could never replace you. At which point Sandi said..."

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "I don't suppose either of you could hand me that piece of wood over there so I can make a splint?"

So then Derrick said, "Pssst, dude. C'mon, help me out here. I'm trying to score – can't you give it a rest for a bit?"

"Yeaaaaahhhhh," I said.

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "If only my Janet were here..."

So then Derrick said, "Well, she's not so ix-nay on the whining for a bit, okay?"

SO then Mr. O'Neill said, "Bwah-hah-hah. What kind of cold-hearted animal are you anyway?"

So then Derrick said, "Hey! I may be morally-challenged but I am definitely NOT living-challenged."

<Titter> That was actually funny. "I so understand."

So then Derrick said, "You actually got the gist of what I said?"

"Sure. How can you not be living-challenged when you're not dead? Basic tenet of horror 101."

So then Derrick said, "Y'know, most girls I've asked wouldn't have gotten that. Would you like to go out with me sometime?"

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "I suspect that she'll have a lot of free time now – since you've killed all of her friends."

So then Derrick said, "Killed? Geez, this geezer's got a one-track mind. Okay, I'll humor you. Whatever gave you that impression?"

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "All the screams in the night we heard before you got here. You killed all those students."

So then Derrick said, "Oh, that. Well, it's not like what you think at all. You see, it's kind of like this. I was travelling up the road when I noticed your school bus broken down on the shoulder. I pulled over and saw a lot of kids sitting on the bus who didn't really want to look at me. That's okay – I kind of have that effect on people. The hood was up and someone was working on the engine. I went up to this crazy looking guy. He was holding a hammer and screaming at the engine. At least, I hoped it was the engine. He screamed, 'You stupid hunk of junk! You'd better work this time or so help me when I get you back to the yard you're going straight to the crusher! Ha! You hear that! THE CRUSHER! Work dammit!!' It was kind of weird the way his eye bugged out like that. So anyway I offer to help the driver..."

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "Mr. DeMartino."

So then Derrick said, "Whatever. Anyway, I offer to help this DeMartino and the guy goes totally off the deep end and whacks the engine with a solid blow from the hammer. I thought I should just start backing up and get in my car and go away. Far away. But dammed if that bus just didn't start up. So anyway this DeMartino fellow looks at me. His right eye all bloodshot and just about pulsing. I thought brain aneurysm but he just kept on talking. 'You want to help me, boy?' he asked in as scary a voice I've heard since I watched the Nightmare series last week..."

"That Freddy was such a fashion violation," I said.

So then Derrick said, "True, but I think that was the point. Anyway DeMartino says to me 'I tell you what you can do for me, boy. I'm sure that incompetent principal, Ms. Li, has gotten everyone lost so if you can see and know how to navigate in the dark, you could assist me in getting her and the students off that stupid mountainside.' This was too good to be true, I thought. I agreed to help get them back to the bus and rushed up after the students. I could see it now – multiple orders for life insurance policies being sold on a dark mountainside. Nothing increases sales like some good old fear."

"Horror tenet #2."

So then Derrick said, "You bet. The night was warm and up I went. How hard could it be to find a group of students and a principal I thought. Hoo-boy. What a mistake that was. Anyhoo, I'm heading up the mountain. Here it is a warm night. You can hear all these noises in the woods like crrriiick, crrriiick, crrriiick or hoo-hoo, hoo-hoo."

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "Sounds like an owl."

So then Derrick said, "Whatever you say, old dude. Psst, Tiffany, is he kind of loopy or what?"

"Or what what?"

So then Derrick said, "Got it. So I'm going on up, following your path. It wasn't hard since you all managed to go up in a group and crushed all the vegetation along the way. I'm walking up and I see a split off from the main group. I follow the split and walk into a clearing and step into something really disgusting."

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "Ms. Li."

So then Derrick said, "Was that who the head was near the pile of blood and gore? Huh. How about that. Well, I'm not ashamed to say that that freaked me out and I went back to where the group split and followed the larger group further up the mountain. About then I heard this totally uncool howling in the distance and figured there must be wolves nearby so hurried up the mountain since it was closer to the rest of you all."

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "Closer to a life insurance policy, you mean?"

So then Derrick said, "You want to tell this story? Okay, then. So here I am hurrying up the mountain, when I encounter something. I look closer and can see some kids hiding behind some bushes. I couldn't get a good view of a couple of them but one was wearing a lot of black. So I go towards the bushes and introduce myself as Derrick Wierwulf, Life Insurance salesman... at which point they scream 'It's a Life Insurance Selling Werewolf!!' And then the rotten little bastards start throwing rocks at me. So I do the prudent thing and took off running further up the mountain. This is getting weird, I think. A few minutes later I see a couple girls hiding behind some trees. Again I go and introduce myself as Derrick Wierwulf, Life Insurance salesman... at which point they scream 'It's a Life Insurance Selling Werewolf!!' And then they start throwing bottles of nail polish at me. So I do the prudent thing, again, and take off running further up the mountain."

"That was sooooo wrong."

So then Derrick said, "I'll say."

"That was a waste of perfectly good nail polish."

So then Derrick said, "Up I go some more. I see a couple african-american kids hiding behind some trees. Again I go and introduce myself as Derrick Wierwulf, Life Insurance salesman... at which point they scream 'It's a Life Insurance Selling Werewolf!!' And again they throw some rocks at me. Again, I go on up. It beat the hell out of going down and getting clobbered by kids with rocks. This time I see three girls. I approach slowly but they must have heard me anyway. Two of the girls, one in a green jacket and the other in a red coat climb up the tree. The third girl just hid behind some bushes. Again I go and introduce myself as Derrick Wierwulf, Life Insurance salesman... at which point the girl hiding behind the bush screams 'It's a Life Insurance Selling Werewolf!!' But instead of throwing rocks at me she whips a can of soda at me and I get clobbered. Which of course meant the soda in the can went all over my shirt. And since I was sweating anyway..."

"Eeeewwwwwww."

So then Derrick said, "...I went ahead and took it off. No sense wearing a sticky shirt on a warm night. And again I kept going up the mountain. So next time I hear these three guys coming on down looking for a Quinn or someone when I hide in some bushes. They seem to head right for me so I stand up and introduce myself as Derrick Wierwulf, Life Insurance salesman... at which point they scream 'It's a Life Insurance Selling Werewolf!!'"

So then Mr. O'Neill said, " "And threw rocks at you."

So then Derrick said, "Right. Well, at this point I'm getting a little tired and sore from all the rocks being thrown at me so I sneak up to some bushes where I hear some movement and what do I see but this clown in a football uniform and a cheerleader making out. And what do I do but stupidly introduce myself as Derrick Wierwulf, Life Insurance salesman... at which point they scream 'It's a Life Insurance Selling Werewolf!!' And again they throw some rocks at me. By this time the howling was getting closer. I found the path again and it headed for this barn. So I hoof it up here as fast as I can. I wanted to shout to get in but was breathing so hard I couldn't get my voice under control. So I banged on the walls to get you to open the door before the critter, whatever it was, came after me. I heard the old duff here cry something about an opening in the roof or 2^nd level or something so I found a ladder outside and climbed up and sort of fell in."

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "On me."

So then Derrick said, "Er... yeah. Sorry about that. Anyway, that's how I ended up here."

"Hooooooowwwwlll!!" The howling had gotten a little bit closer.

Then the doors rattled!

So then Mr. O'Neill, Derrick and I gasped.

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "It's the werewolf. Don't open it! Bwah-hah-hah!"

So then Derrick said, "Contrary to what spineless here says, I think we need to answer it. What do you think we should do, Tiffany?"

Someone actually asking my opinion. He sure had a nice voice. "I think we should answer it."

So then Derrick said, "You got it. Who's out there?!"

So then a voice said, "It's Ghandi! Who the heck do you think it is?!"

So then Derrick said, "Not Ghandi! He's dead!"

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "It's the werewolf! Don't let him in!"

So then Ghandi said, "Geez, already! It's Wild Bill! Now let me in!"

"Are you fashionably dressed?!"

So then Wild Bill said, "Huh?! What the heck are you asking that for? Hell no I'm not fashionably dressed! This is the mountains after all!"

So then Derrick said, "Why ask that Tiffany?"

"Stands to reason that if there was a werewolf out there he'd say he anything to get in, including saying he was fashionably dressed. And how could that be since they were in the mountains and all."

So then Derrick said, "I won't even pretend to understand that. But you haven't been wrong yet, so here goes."

Derrick opened the doors and some guy in blue jeans, flannel shirt (plaid even!), walking boots and glasses came in. He was over six feet tall with short dark hair. I could tell immediately that he wasn't the werewolf. It was apparent. Glasses? I think not. Derrick closed the door behind him.

So then Wild Bill said, "You one of the students from Ms. Li's group?"

So then Derrick said, "What do you think?"

So then Wild Bill said, "I think you're awfully hairy."

So then Derrick said, "I think you're ready for a fat lip."

"Could we please not talk about fat?"

So then Derrick said, "Sorry. So what's your story, pal? Why're you out here?"

So then Wild Bill said, "I'm the owner of Wild Bill's Telescope Rentals and I got a little worried when Ms. Li didn't show up with her latest group of telescope renters. If she thinks she can stiff me after I've already paid... uh... anyway I came down the trail, heard some of that weird howling and was simply heading to where I heard some other noise when some people jumped out from behind trees and started throwing rocks at me. Little bastards. So if you're not from Ms. Li's group, who are you?"

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "He's a werewolf! You don't have any drugs on you by chance do you?"

"Mr. O'Neill! You're embarrassing me!"

So then Wild Bill said, "He always like this?"

So then Derrick (who rolled his eyes) said, "He has been tonight. Name's Derrick, this is Tiffany and the stiff on the ground's Mr. O'Neill."

So then Wild Bill said, "So he thinks you're a werewolf?"

So then Derrick said, "He thought you were a werewolf."

So then Wild Bill said, "Well, something's out there."

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "It's a werewolf I tell you."

"Mr. O'Neill!"

But then the doors shook again as someone or something pounded on it.

So then Mr. O'Neill, Derrick, Wild Bill and I gasped.

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "It's the werewolf. Don't open it! Bwah-hah-hah!"

So then Derrick said, "Tiffany?"

He still had a nice voice. "We'd better answer it."

So then Derrick said, "You got it. Who's out there?!"

So then a voice said, "It's George Burns and Gracie Allen! Who the heck do you think it is?!"

So then another voice said, "Gee, I thought my name was Brittany."

So then Derrick said, "Not George Burns or Gracie Allen! They're dead!"

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "It's the werewolf! Don't let him in!"

So then George Burns said, "Geez, already! It's Kevin and Brittany! Let us in!"

Derrick opened the door and Kevin and Brittany came in. The doors were closed after they came in.

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "Kevin! Brittany! Did either of you see any other students out there?"

So then Kevin said, "No but we saw the werewolf. It was horrible, man!"

So then Brittany said, "I'll say. Kevvie and I were kissing and this really hairy beast came up and startled us so we threw some rocks at it and it ran away. So we decided to head back towards the bus and found this barn instead. So then Kevvie said it looked like a good place to make out and we heard the howling and stuff..."

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "Um... Brittany? You do realize that this barn is further up the mountain and away from the bus don't you?"

So then Brittany said, "It is? Kevvie! You said you knew which direction you were going!"

So then Kevin said, "Sure, babe. We were headed south, the same way the moon comes up every morning."

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "Bwah-hah-hah. We're all going to die."

So then Derrick said, "Tiffany, are these two in a special class or something?"

I didn't have time to answer him as the doors shook again as someone or something pounded on it.

So then Mr. O'Neill, Derrick, Wild Bill, Kevin, Brittany and I gasped.

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "It's the werewolf. Don't open it! Bwah-hah-hah!"

So then Derrick said, "Who's out there?!"

So then a girl's voice said, "It's Picasso, the Soviet Union and Lassie! Who the heck do you think it is?!"

So then another girl's voice said, "Hey! I'm not a dog!"

So then Derrick said, "Not Picasso, the Soviet Union or Lassie! They're dead!"

"Lassie's dead? When did that happen?"

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "It's the werewolf! Don't let him in!"

So then Picasso said, "What is this, 20 questions?! Geez, already! It's Jane, Daria and Quinn! Just open the damn door!"

Derrick opened the door and that Jane-girl, Daria and Quinn came in. The doors were then closed.

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "Daria, Jane! Did either of you see any other students out there?"

So then Quinn said, "No but we saw the werewolf. It was horrible! I was able to send it running after I threw my can of soda at it."

So then that Jane-girl said, "In fact the werewolf kind of looked like the guy who opened the door for us."

But then the doors shook again as someone or something pounded on it.

So then Mr. O'Neill, Derrick, Wild Bill, Kevin, Brittany, Daria...

But then Daria later said, "I don't gasp, Tiffany."

"You don't?"

So then Daria said, "Have you ever heard me gasp?"

"Nooooo..."

So then Daria said, "Well there you have it. No precedent. Therefore I didn't gasp."

"Okay."

So then Mr. O'Neill, Derrick, Wild Bill, Kevin, Brittany, Daria, Jane...

But then Jane later said, "I don't gasp, Tiffany. Same reason."

"Okay."

So then Mr. O'Neill, Derrick, Wild Bill, Kevin, Brittany, Daria, Jane, Quinn (whew, okay) and I gasped.

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "It's the werewolf. Don't open it! Bwah-hah-hah!"

So then Derrick said, "Who's out there?!"

So then a voice said, "It's Moe, Larry and Curly! Who the heck do you think it is?!"

So then Derrick said, "Not the 3 stooges! They're dead!"

So then Daria said, "Not these stooges. They're in our school."

Derrick opened the door and Joey, Jeffy and Jamie came in. The doors were then closed.

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "Um... students! Did either of you see any other students out there?"

So then Joey said, "No but we saw the werewolf. It was... Quinn! Are you alright?!"

So then Jamie said, "Quinn, don't listen to him, blah blah blah."

So then Jeffy said, "Quinn, blah blah blah blah blah."

I was going to ask Derrick something but then the doors shook again as someone or something pounded on it.

So then Mr. O'Neill, Derrick, Wild Bill, Kevin, Brittany, Daria, Jane, Quinn, Joey, Jeffy, Jamie and I gasped.

But then Daria said, "With this much gasping, I'm starting to run out of air."

So then that Jane girl said, "What?! I can't hear you – we're running out of air in here."

I don't think they meant that. But then again, we were on a mountain. Maybe there was less air 1,200 feet above sea level.

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "It's the werewolf. Don't open it! Bwah-hah-hah!"

So then Derrick said, "Who's out there?!"

So then a girl's voice said, "It's Maude Flanders and Bleeding Gums Murphy! Who the heck do you think it is?!"

So then Derrick said, "Not them! They're dead cartoon characters!"

So then the voice said, "So? Open the doors already – it's Jodie and Mack!"

So then Kevin said, "Mack-daddy?!"

So then another voice outside said, "I told you not to call me that!"

Derrick opened the door and Jodie and Mack came in. The doors were then closed.

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "Jodie, Mack! Did either of you see any other students out there?"

So then Mack said, "No but we saw the werewolf. Or at least what we thought was the werewolf."

So then Jodie said, "I can't believe I let myself get caught up in that."

So then Daria said, "Hey."

So then Jodie said, "Hey."

So then that Jane-girl said, "Hey."

So then Mack said, "Hey."

I envied them. They could have a real dialog and not have it be just fashion-stuff.

But then the doors shook again as someone or something pounded on it.

So then Mr. O'Neill, Derrick, Wild Bill, Kevin, Brittany, Daria, Jane, Quinn, Joey, Jeffy, Jamie, Jodie, Mack and I gasped.

So then Derrick said, "Who's out there?!"

So then a girl's voice said, "It's Princess Grace and Mother Teresa! Who the heck do you think it is?!"

So then Daria said, "This is getting stupid." She then walked to the door without waiting for the correct password and simply opened it up.

There stood Stacy and Sandi. Whew. Stacy was alive. The thought of having to re-inventory my accessories was making me a little panicked.

So then that Jane-girl walked outside and yelled, "Yo! Everyone shake a leg and get up to this barn before the Great Evil Pumpkin gets you! Chop chop! Move it or lose it!"

So then Daria said, "I still say you'd make a great drill sergeant. Think of it as your next career move."

So then that Jane-girl said, "What? And give up the chance to go into a foreign countries like Canada or Vermont and miss out on the chance to shoot roadsigns? I think not."

I heard rustling and feet running. Soon enough the last of the missing students were inside the barn. We shut the doors as whatever made the howling was still outside. I wondered where that Jane-girl had heard of the Great Evil Pumpkin. I'd only heard of the Great Pumpkin. More than likely it was his evil twin brother. They're like that.

So then Daria said, "Okay, people, let's get one thing straight. There's no such thing as a werewolf."

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "What about this life insurance seller here? How do you account for him?"

So then Daria said, "He may be crude, loud, has a sweaty smell..."

"Eeewwww."

So then Sandi said, "Eeewwww."

So then Stacy said, "Eeewwww."

So then Quinn said, "Eeewwww."

So then Jodie said, "Eeewwww."

So then Mack said, "Eeewwww."

So then Joey said, "Eeewwww."

So then Jeffy said, "Eeewwww."

So then Jamie said, "Eeewwww."

So then Upchuck said, "Eeewwww."

So then Andrea said, "Eeewwww."

So then That Jane-girl said, "Eeewwww."

So then Brittany said, "Eeewwww."

So then Kevin said, "Eeewwww."

So then Nameless Kid 1said, "Eeewwww."

So then Nameless Kid 2said, "Eeewwww."

So then Nameless Kid 3said, "Eeewwww."

So then Nameless Kid 4said, "Eeewwww."

So then Nameless Kid 5said, "Eeewwww."

So then Daria said, "... and sell life insurance..."

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "Eeeekkkk!"

So then Daria said, "... but that isn't a crime. Despite what some others might say, right Sandi?"

So then Sandi said, "Um, okay. But could we talk about this later? I'm involved in, like, a real fashion emergency now. I broke another nail."

After everyone came into the barn we found out that none of us wanted to go back outside until the howling stopped. I thought we'd just sit there and hopefully not have to listen to Mr. O'Neill try to cheer us up. It was not a good thing when he tried to do that. Fortunately Kevin thought to bring along his disco ball and stereo. And since Wild Bill had a flashlight, Mack and Jodie started playing tunes while Wild Bill held up the glitter ball and flashed his flashlight towards it.

You could feel the relaxation in the air. It was almost like being in school during study hall when the teachers weren't around to keep you quiet. I noticed that Jane-girl and Quinn's sister, Daria, decided to take a nap on the straw in the back. And O'Neill had finally passed out so he wasn't so rude anymore.

Everything was going okay. Stacy and Quinn were consoling Sandi over her broken nails and leaving me alone. That was good. I didn't like it when they asked me questions that made my brain hurt. Jodie and Mack came up to Derrick and me.

So then Jodie said, "I'm sorry I reacted the way I did and threw rocks at you earlier."

So then Mack said, "I can't believe I fell for all that werewolf stuff either. I feel foolish."

So then Derrick said, "No problem. Your aim was off so not many of them actually hit."

Then the doors shook again as something pounded on it.

So then an awakened Mr. O'Neill, Derrick, Wild Bill, Kevin, Brittany, Daria, Jane, Quinn, Joey, Jeffy, Jamie, Jodie, Mack, Sandi (minus three nails), Stacy, Upchuck, Andrea, five other nameless kids and I gasped.

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "Oh, um... heh-heh. Um. Don't panic, students. I think Daria was right earlier. There's no such thing as a werewolf. We've all been letting our imaginations get the better of us. Kevin, go open the door will you?"

So then Kevin said, "But what about the were..."

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "Kevin! A werewolf is a supernatural being. And we all know there's no such thing as a supernatural being."

So then Daria said, "Unless you count zombies. They like to eat brains."

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "Um... heh-heh. What a kidder you are, Daria. Kevin, open the door."

Kevin opened the door all the way. Illuminated in the full moonlight above was Ms. Li. Her head was back on where it should have been. It didn't make it look any less a fashion-violation though.

So then Kevin said, "It's Ms. Li! She's come back from the dead to kill us and eat out brains! She's a zombie!!!"

So then Daria said, "He's making it too damn easy, Jane. I can't even bring myself to say it."

So then that Jane-girl said, "I can. If that's true, Kevin, then you don't have anything to worry about."

So then Daria said, "Thanks, Jane. No straight line should go unanswered."

So then that Jane-girl said, "No problemo, Daria. You sure hit the nail on that setup."

So then Daria said, "Thanks. I peeked. Like shooting fish in a barrel."

So then that Jane-girl said, "Still with the stupid fish I see."

So then Daria said, "I left my book of metaphors at home."

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "Ms. Li! You're here!"

So then Jodie said, "More to the point, you're alive."

So then Ms. Li said, "What?"

So then Brittany said, "But what happened to you, Ms. Li? My Kevvie said you lost your head and stuff."

So then that Jane-girl said, "Hey, she actually got it right."

So then Daria said, "For once."

So then Ms. Li said, "I remember marching after young Charles..."

So then Brittany said, "Who?"

So then Upchuck said, "Me!"

So then Brittany said, "Oh."

So then Ms. Li said, "...when I apparently tripped over some small dead animal that had been recently ripped apart. From what I could gather, I must've flipped when I fell forward into a bush as only my head was out of the bush when I woke up. The fall also must've knocked me out. Didn't anyone come looking for me?"

So then Mr. O'Neill said, "Um, yes. Kevin went looking for you and said that your head was laying next to your body."

So then Ms. Li said, "Well, of course it was."

So then Kevin said, "About 5 feet away from the rest of the your body, you zombie you! Man, we're all gonna die!"

So then Ms. Li said, "What?! Where does he get this nonsense from anyway?!"

So then Daria said, "Does anyone really know what goes on in Kevin's mind?"

So then Ms. Li said, "Point taken, Miss Morgendorffer. Once I woke up I headed towards Wild Bill's and heard noise coming from this barn. And now after seeing all this tomfoolery, I want you to break it up and head for the star gazing rendezvous site so we can continue with our star gazing field trip."

So then Derrick said, "I take it this wouldn't be a good time to go over your individual life insurance needs?"

So then Ms. Li said, "Mr. .... Whatever your name is... I..."

So then Daria said, "Or do you think you two should go over the school's needs once word of this little debacle gets out to public light?"

So then that Jane-girl said, "And lawsuits begin..."

So then Ms. Li said, "... rotten little... People! Carry on shindigging You! Let's talk... grumble... insurance!"

While Derrick went to talk with Ms. Li, I went to talk to Quinn's sister. "It wasn't very nice of you to scare all those people on the bus and on the trail like you did, you know."

So then Daria said, "I enjoyed it."

So then that Jane-girl said, "Have you ever scared anyone, Tiffany?"

"Me? No."

So then that Jane-girl said, "Then don't knock it until you've tried it."

And that was pretty much how the night ended.

No one died. No one was hurt, except Mr. O'Neill and maybe Lech, I mean, Upchuck.

I got my "B" on the assignment.

The party went on for another hour until it became apparent it was ready to end anyway since Wild Bill's flashlight was fading out and no one likes to dance in the dark without glitter light. The doors were opened and we went outside to head back to the bus. Ms. Li was still haggling over some point or other with my Derrick. The evening was getting cooler but not yet cold. It was enjoyable to go down a mountain instead of up on. On occasion I would look up and see the stars. They were pretty. Kind of like a really expensive pearl necklace that broke and the pearls were all over the place. You just wanted to reach up and grab one.

I think we would have all enjoyed the rest of the evening star gazing.

But then the mosquitoes started feasting.

And that was soooooo wrong.

It turned out the critter doing the howling was Wild Bill's dog which had gotten loose the day previous. Since Wild Bill had about 9 pooches he didn't notice one was missing.

Sandi went home, started her homework, stopped working on it, and then read Waif.

Stacy went home, started her homework, did most of it, and then read Waif.

Quinn went home, started her homework, finished it, and then read something non-Waif.

Daria went home and did all of her homework. Then she watched TV. She didn't do a thing with her hair.

That Jane-girl went home and did homework. She might have finished it. I wasn't too sure on that. Then she watched TV, got bored and painted.

Jodie went home, did all of her homework and had her parents put her to work doing something else.

Mack went home, did all of his homework, worked out, watched TV and tried to call Jodie but she was unavailable doing her parent's chores.

Kevin went home, didn't bother doing his homework, instead rested all day Saturday so he could go to a party that weekend where he proceeded to get drunk. It was one of his duties as the QB. Or so I heard.

Brittany went home but then disappeared for a few days only to show up in school Monday with no explanation as to where she'd been.

Joey went home and did some of his homework but then pulled out a Gameboy and played games the rest of the time.

Jeffy went home and did most of his homework but then pulled out an Atari and played some really old games.

Jamie went home and did all of his homework, and then pulled out some comic books and read.

Upchuck went home and took multiple baths to get rid of the Army Ants still crawling on his skin.

Andrea went home. I don't think she did her homework but she did go to work.

The other five nameless kids went home and did other nameless things. I don't think they read Waif.

Mr. O'Neill went to the hospital but since he had an HMO they sent him home until he could come back on Monday during regular business hours. At home, his "Janet" (whoever that was) came by and snapped his arm back in its socket since it wasn't broken but simply dislocated.

Ms. Li bought some insurance.

And me? Well... I went out on a date with a very nice guy. Or werewolf. Whatever. If he was a werewolf it was unlikely he would kill his own girlfriend and if he were just a regular guy he still had cute eyes and a nice voice. And most importantly – I didn't look fat when I was with him.

Nick: Discussion. What conclusions can you draw from this story? Who is Tiffany Blum-Deckler? Anyone?

Larissa: She's a vidiot.

Nick: Reasons?

Larissa: Her story referenced a half-dozen movies from that time period. She even referenced movies when she made decisions on what she wanted to do.

Colin: I'll concede the point, Larissa. She did reference movies. But then a lot of what comes out of those decades did. Hell, we still do it today. Last night's news ran something on 'Where Were You When Titanic 3 Came Out?'

Larissa: So what's your point?

Colin: My point is you shouldn't dismiss someone because they use movie references in their writing. It's like the pot calling the kettle black.

Bob: What's a kettle?

Aaron: Sure. We tell you, you tell someone else. Pretty soon everyone knows and then anarchy reigns.

Naomi: I don't want to make a rush decision and categorize her without some more information. Did she have any feed from the Li archive about this?

Bridget: Actually, she did. Colin, you want to run it now?

Colin: Sure. Nick?

Nick: Loading... now.

The electronic blackboard flickered to life.

April 2002.

Location: Lawndale High hallway. Time: morning.

Jane is at her locker. Daria walks up. She looks tired.

Jane: What's up, Daria? You look tired. Late night with Tom again? To much lovin' and not enough snoozin'?

Daria: Go to Hell.

Jane: Been there, done that.

Daria: If you must know, I spent most of the weekend editing Tiffany's story.

Jane: Ouch. That bad, eh?

Daria: Conceptually, no. It was very good. But there were just so many grammatical errors. I don't know how she's passing class now.

Jane: C'mon. You know Mr. O'Neill. He won't fail anyone if he can help it. I don't think he has it in him.

Daria: Then how can you explain the time he sent me to detention?

Jane: Mid-morning rendezvous with Ms. Barch?

Daria: Eeeewwwww.

Jane: Speaking of the devil...

Daria: Which one?

Jane: Tiffarna – the Fashionably Late.

Daria: You made that up.

Jane: Prove it.

Sandi: Gee, Quinn, maybe you should blah blah blah blah blah.

Quinn: Oh, no, Sandi, I could never blah blah blah blah blah.

Daria: And here I thought Tiffany was just making that part up.

Jane: Huh?

Daria: Never mind. Tiffany? Could I speak with you for a moment?

Sandi: Like, if you want to speak with one member of the Fashion Club, you'll have to speak with all the members of the Fashion Club.

Daria: No problem. I'm sure my largus craniumus isn't contagious anymore.

Sandi: Tiffany, we'll wait for you in class. Later.

Tiffany: Do you need fashion advice?

Daria: What do you think? No, don't answer that. I don't have that much time. Um, Tiffany, I'm curious. You do know that our assignment was to write a story about the future and not about something that actually happened, right?

Tiffany: Okaaaaayy. I'm sure Stacy wrote down the minutes of that meeting so we can ask her to confirm if for you.

Daria: (sighs) No, I'm good. I was just curious to know why you didn't write a piece of fiction.

Tiffany: Fiction? What's that? Will it make me fat?

Daria: Never mind.

Tiffany: Fiction. I've heard of that. I'm sure it was on that show with that guy. You know. The one with the guy with the beard.

Jane: I thought it was the one with the guy with just the moustache. Or was it the girl with the moustache? I get those two confused.

Tiffany: What?

Jane: What what?

Tiffany: Isn't that what I just said?

Daria: Can you two stop it? My brain hurts.

Tiffany: Oooohhhh, you might be getting sick again. I've been sick before. Would you like a makeover? It helps me when I'm sick. I think.

Daria: Sigh. No.

Tiffany: Did you want to ask me something?

Daria: Not anymore.

Tiffany: About what I wrote?

Daria: Not anymore.

Tiffany: Is it okay? Will I get my "B" taken away?

Daria: What you wrote will be okay. I'll convince Mr. O'Neill that Derrick Wirewulf wasn't out to get him but if he doesn't let you submit the story of how you two met, he will be. That ought to let him give it a formal release. And no one will take away your "B".

Tiffany: That's good. I think. I hope your brain gets better.

Colin: That was the only feed we could find on her story at all. If Daria ever talked with Mr. O'Neill, then she must've done it off school grounds.

Bridget: That, or the cameras were out of commission when they discussed it. It's hard to say. We didn't bother to run a full date/time comparison to see if there were any gaps since it would've taken way too long and we wanted to finish this up before we graduated.

Colin: Anyway. So what was Tiffany's life like? I've got the early portion. Tiffany graduated in the class of 2003. Two days after graduation she turned 18 and apparently moved out of Lawndale. We could find no records of her going to college at all. That wasn't surprising since she'd had a straight-C average all throughout high school.

Colin con't.: What is surprising is the story the Lawndale newspaper ran about a week after she left. At the end of the school year the school staffs goes and cleans out the lockers for the next year's class. Apparently when they opened Tiffany's locker they found a huge stash of pills. The story that ran implicated her as a dope dealer and comments in the story by former students suggested that she abused those pills since it seemed she was never "all there" during school classes and whatnot.

Colin con't.: But what I found interesting was the correlation to the types of drugs listed in the article to those listed in the story. They were in sync. There were a few other types of pills listed in the article but essentially there was no hard-core drugs prevalent during that time period such as cocaine, morphine, cannabis or meth. There weren't even any lesser drugs listed such as Jolt cola, Smores or any of the plethora of sugarized candies floating everywhere back then. Instead these were these drugs that weren't really known. Why? Was she trying to corner a niche market? I don't think so. Not after seeing what she became. The article also mentioned that her parents were frantic with worry about their daughter who just up and disappeared without taking anything from her home with her such as her vitamins. That's what got me to wondering about this to begin with. I accessed the Lawndale police archives and got a complete list of the drugs found in Tiffany's locker. There were two types of drugs found - the over the counter meds such as Vitamins A, B, C, etc. and the prescription kind which further investigation back then found all the meds were in her name. I ran a search on the meds to see what they were used for.

Colin con't.: Apparently she'd been diagnosed with attention-deficit (hyperactivity) disorder, or ADHD at some point before beginning high school and had been taking these medications. Usually you would take one or another or switch from one to another and not take them in concert but the dates on the bottles suggested that she'd been prescribed them at the same time. There's no telling what kind of chemical reaction she'd been getting from taking that many meds simultaneously. So when she graduated and turned 18, she was technically an adult so she quit taking all her meds, threw them in her locker and left her entire life behind. To me, that took guts.

Bridget: We found reports that she eventually married Derrick Wirewolf and had a couple kids. Once she turned 18, her bio read that she got off all meds her family had been forcing her to take and Derrick was the source of her courage to kick the habit. A few years into their marriage, he quit the life insurance biz altogether and was part of a group which became the primary backers of Army Airlines, which was a no-frills, do-it-our-way or do-10-pushups startup airlines. Not only did the airlines bring the Army back out of the red, but it also increased recruiting numbers. We were able to download a recruiting commercial from shortly after Army Air took off. I think it's ingenious. Loading video feed... now.

The electronic blackboard flickered to life.

(A military plane is seen flying high in the sky. It looks like a cargo transport painted with camouflage colors.)

VO: Be one of the few, the proud, and if you're lucky, one of the proud few attendants on board Army Air where you can order the passengers to do your bidding unlike the other way around on other airlines.

(Video zooms into the plane. Inside are rows of seats. A flight attendant dressed in army fatigues is standing over what looks like a drunk passenger.)

Drunk: I said I wanted another drink or I'll...

Attendant: Or you'll what, you puke?! I've a good mind to throw you out the nearest airlock, you got that?!

Drunk: You can't talk to me that way!

Attendant: I sure can, you mealy mouthed sack of crap! You should've read your boarding agreement more closely! Where you from anyway?!

Drunk: St. Louis.

Attendant: St. Louis? Only two things come from St. Louis – steers or queers! Which one are you, boy?

Drunk: Well, my boyfriend sometimes calls me a q...

Attendant: Okay, that didn't come out like I'd intended. Drop and give me 20!

Drunk: What am I, in the military or something?

Attendant: Worse. You're on Army Air where we call the shots for low-priced airfares. Make it 30!

Drunk: What?

Attendant: Airlock! Thirty! Now!

(The Captain of the plane shows up as the passenger gets out of his seat and drops and give the attendant pushups.)

Captain: We don't offer extras like drinks, snacks or pleasant smiles – but we do offer low fares and will get you to your destination on time. Guaranteed. Or we do the pushups.

Drunk: One...two...three...

Attendant: You call those pushups, you puke! Do 'em again or I'll throw your lazy ass into that cornfield 30,000 feet below. DO IT!!

Bridget: Apparently there were rough times for the airline industry back then. Planes were being disrupted by rudes and other general jerks. But then Army Air came in and went head to head with United and the rest of the pack. At first some reports heralded Army Air as the death of regular commercial airlines but when it came apparent that only the overflow was going to Army Air despite lower fares, those doomsayers were chucked out of their jobs. It seemed that no one really wanted to go on Army Air unless they didn't have a choice and that had the effect of stabilizing the air-rage phenomena of the time.

Thomas: What's air-rage?

Mrs. Whitmore: We'll cover that next semester during Outbreaks of the 21^st Century. Go on, Bridget.

Bridget: There's not a lot more. Tiffany apparently stayed home and was a mother to her children. She organized some charity events every now and then, usually having something to do with fashion. Most of the information we could find was on her husband since he was more in the public light than she was. About 25 years ago, they were investigated and cleared of any VLS involvement. Derrick may have had a large nose and hair all over his body, but that didn't make him a VLS carrier.

Austin: Stinkin' virus blood suckers should've all been wiped.

Rose: Shut up, Austin.

Austin: Why should I? My family lost $10 million during that time. Money that should have been in my trust fund.

Rose: And I lost a grandfather.

Austin: So you've got VLS as well?

Rose: No. He'd already had children when he decided to fool around with some infected floozy. When the toots was investigated she gave up his name and the two of them were torched and salted. So just shut the hell up, would you?

Diane: Hey, you can't talk to Austin like that!

Diana: You want us to take her outside and smack her around a bit?

Debbie: Or make her do your homework?

Austin: I can take care of this myself, ladies. But Diane, Diana, and Dido - thanks anyway.

Debbie: It's Debbie.

Austin: Whatever.

Mrs. Whitmore: Class! Bridget.

Bridget: Tiffany's children now run Army Air. It comprises of 3,000 surplus military aircraft and personnel working varying shifts for either the military or Army Air. Proceeds are in the billions that she and her partners – the Joint Chiefs of Staff – split on a 20/80 agreement. Congress seems happy that they haven't had to increase funding for the military for the past 40 years.

Mrs. Whitmore: So where is Tiffany now?

Colin: Tiffany died of liver failure due to the massive amounts of drugs her family insisted she take during her teens years. It's unclear if she ever did have A-D-D as her kids still speak highly of her when we contacted them about this assignment. But it was clear the school board thought it was better off if most students were medicated at some point during their brief stint at Lawndale High.

Nick: What did she leave in her time capsule?

Bridget: Six things: A pack of Chiclets gum, a TV Guide, a half-used tube of lipstick, a filled-out magazine subscription to Waif, which, interestingly, is no longer in publication, some straw with a bow tied around it which I think came from the barn where she met Derrick, and lastly, a 2^nd place medal from a dog show.

Nick: Speculation on the artifacts?

Colin: The Chiclets was easy. She referenced it in her story – gum was her one vice. Therefore it was something that she cared about.

Bridget: The TV Guide was easy as well. She was a vidiot. Therefore it was something that she cared about.

Colin: The lipstick was again easy. She was part of something called a Fashion Club so was concerned about fashion and obviously cared about her appearance - you could tell that from the story. So it was another thing she cared for.

Bridget: Waif was again another fashion issue. The subscription held enough subtle advertising for looking good you could choke a horse on it. It was another thing she seemed to care about.

Colin: The straw may or may not have come from the barn where she met her husband to be. I think it did and who knows – maybe that's what she wanted people to think.

Bob: I doubt she could think that far in the future.

Bridget: I have to agree with Bob on that. However, I do think it came from the barn. Anyway, the dog show medal didn't have a dog's name on it. But if I had to guess, I'd say she was acting out as a typical teenager when she included it.

Mrs. Whitmore: Explain, please.

Bridget: The story indicated she wasn't pleased with her parents or with the dog licking her face in the morning. You could almost feel her anger at her parents for feeding her a plain salad while the mutt got the best foods out there. Maybe it was voluntary on her part – maybe it wasn't. I don't think it was and that's my opinion.

Nick: But how was that an indication that Tiffany was acting out as a typical teenager?

Bridget: I think that medal was the best showing that dog had before Tiffany took it. And I think she took it to piss her parents off. I know I would've done the same.

Nick: I see your point. Good work, you two. Who's up next? Aaron, Jane – you two volunteering? Good enough.

Disclaimer

Copyright (C) 2001 by Steven A. Brown, all rights reserved. No part of this work may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the author, with the exception of 1) brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews (yeah, like that's going to happen), and 2) the complete, unaltered text of this work, including this disclaimer (or an electronic document containing same and which has been data-compressed using a lossless algorithm) when used or reproduced for private and non-commercial use only (again, like that's going to happen).

Permission is granted to repost, republish, or retransmit this work in any way, shape, or form as long as these disclaimers remain intact, and no one except Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis, MTV Studios, or Viacom, the parent of MTV receive financial remuneration.

The Characters of Daria Morgendorffer, Quinn Morgendorffer, Jane Lane, Trent Lane, Kevin Thompson, Michael Jordan "Mack" MacKenzie, Brittany Taylor, Jodie Landon, Sandi Griffin, Timothy O'Neill, Angela Li, Anthony DeMartino, and many more, even if not mentioned here, are the creation of Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis and Copyright MTV Studios. This story is in no way to be construed as a challenge to said copyright.

The Characters of future students are entirely fictionalized and only sounds like the names of other fan fiction authors whose work I have read and enjoyed. Just wait until I start putting in other author's nam... er, that is, it's all a coincidence I tell you. A coincidence! To those of you who may be offended, remember: this is a cartoon. This is not and could never be real. Or could it? I leave questions like that to philosophers, or to OTR drivers who have experienced significant sleep deprivation.