The following stories are at best a flattering imitation of Daria that is not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to an actual episode of Daria is purely coincidental.

This is my second fanfic, following #1 - Padded Room of Terror. So far, there will be no continuity between fics, due to the nature of #1. However, future fics will continue in the same universe.

(The title sequence begins then fades to the title card...)

Touchdown Jane
by Mike Quinn


Scene I - Lawndale Stadium

(Establishing shot of the stadium, as seen in The Misery Chick, on a beautiful fall day.)

(A short gust of wind.)

(The Lawndale Lions, in their standard yellow jerseys, are taking on Josephs Tech, who are clad in green uniforms. The Lions offense is in some random formation in the "red zone" and are close to scoring a touchdown. Kevin, the QB, takes the snap and pitches the ball to Mack who runs toward the sidelines before diving over three defenders into the end zone, the crowd erupts with wild cheers at this display.)

Stadium Announcer: Touchdown, Lawndale! Michael Jordan MacKenzie scores from three yards out, the Lions lead 26-3!

(more cheers)

(Cut to Jane's bedroom, Daria is seated on Jane's bed reading a book, while Jane is painting something on her canvas [the camera is pointed so it can't see what she's painting])

(Music: Sugar Ray - Falls Apart)

(Close-up on Jane, as she gets an angry expression and makes a few hasty brush strokes)

Jane: I can't even get started!

(Daria barely looks at her)

(cut back to the football stadium)

(Music: Smash Mouth - All Star)

(This time the Lions are on defense, the opposing quarterback drops back to pass and throws the ball over the middle of the field.)

(Camera on Mack as he moves toward where the ball is heading.)

(Slow motion shot of Mack jumping in front of the intended receiver, intercepting the pass and falling to the ground.)

Stadium Announcer: The ball is intercepted by Mack, the Lions can run out the clock! (wild applause)

(Cut back to Jane's room)

(Music: Sugar Ray - Falls Apart)

(Jane is again trying to paint something but she also seems to be getting increasingly disgruntled.)

Jane: (finally having had enough) That's it! (knocks her easel to the ground and throws her brushes at it)

(At this outburst, Daria looks up from her book.)

Jane: (to Daria) What are you staring at?

(cut to:)

Scene II - Lawndale Stadium

(Music: Smash Mouth - All Star)

(Establishing shot of the scoreboard that reads Lawndale, 33; Josephs, 6; as the clock winds down to zero.)

Stadium Announcer: The Lions win and remain undefeated going into their homecoming game against Oakwood! Thanks to...

(Cut to Mack who is smiling and being carried off the field by his teammates.)

Stadium Announcer: ...Michael Jordan MacKenzie, who scored three touchdowns and had two interceptions!

(The team is making a lot of noise and as they near the locker room, they put Mack down and start to file into the locker room. Just as Mack is about to enter the locker area, a man wearing a blue windbreaker and baseball hat grabs his arm.)

Man: Excuse me, son, you're MacKenzie, right?

Mack: Yeah, so? (starts to leave)

Man: Great game, son. I'm Hadan O'Conner (at that, Mack stops and looks up - he's obviously heard of him), head coach of Southern Maryland State's football team. We've been keeping tabs on you kid and would like to make you a member of our school's squad.

Mack: You're offering me a scholarship? You know I'm only in 11th grade?

O'Conner: Yep, we're still offering full tuition and free room and board. Of course, we can't have you commit formally until next year, but what do you think?

Mack: Give me some time to think about it, I'll get back to you. (walks off)

(cut to:)

Scene III - Jane's room, again

(Music: Lit - My Own Worst Enemy)

(Jane is standing over the fallen easel, shaking her head.)

Jane: I can't concentrate anymore, my mind's a wet noodle.

Daria: (still looking up from her book) You know that art doesn't always come easy.

Jane: Yeah, but I need some good new stuff to liven up my portfolio, if I want to get in to a good art college.

Daria: (having already returned to her book) You know they still make you take math at those schools.

Jane: (grits teeth, upset that Daria missed the point) Yes, funny.

Daria: (seeing the anger) Sorry, I guess it's tough to wait for inspiration all by yourself.

Jane: (takes the opening) Well then maybe you should help me, so I'm not "all by myself."

Daria: (quickly recoils) Oh no, you're not taking me down with you.

Jane: Why not? you're twisted too, and great art rarely comes from complete sanity.

Daria: I'll think about it.

(cut to:)

Scene IV - The Morgendorffers house

(Music: Fatboy Slim - Rockafellar Skank)

(First a short establishing shot of the house which cuts to the living room, where Daria and Quinn are about to leave for school - suddenly the doorbell rings.)

Helen: (off screen) Will someone get the door!

Jake: (also off screen) If it's the baby food guy, I'm still in bed!

(Daria finally answers the door, and Jane is standing there looking unusually awake for this time of day.)

Jane: Good morning!

Daria: You're up early.

Jane: Yes, I thought I'd try to wake you up for once. So, did you get a chance to "think about it" yet?

Daria: (puzzled) Think about what? (Jane gets a worried look) Oh yeah, that. No.

Jane: You didn't think about it or you aren't gonna help?

Daria: The first one.

(Cut to Quinn, walking toward the front door, she interrupts the conversation.)

Quinn: Get out of the way! I don't want to be late again.

(She pushes by Daria and Jane.)

(Daria and Jane both start walking, closing the door behind them.)

Jane: What's up with her?

Daria: I dunno - she's also awfully excited for a Monday, maybe the hair spray finally got to her head.

Jane: Think she'll let me paint some pictures of her.

Daria: I don't care, it's your funeral.

(Jane smirks angrily.)

(cut to:)

Scene V - Lawndale High

(Music: Green Day - Welcome to Paradise)

(Establishing shot of the outside of the school, the music fades as the bell rings.)

(Cut to Miss Bennett's homeroom, with Jodie seated in front of Jane, who sits infront of Mack - Daria is seated next to Jane.)

Jane: (to Mack) Heard you guys won big again, (Mack nods) What's that, four in a row, now?

Mack: (bored by the question) Yep, we've been blowing people out since we stopped letting Kevin call the plays. (Jane chuckles)

Daria: (to Jodie) He seems awfully reserved for a high school football star.

Jodie: What do you mean?

Daria: He isn't bragging. (Jodie gets an "oh yeah" expression on her face)

Li: (over the PA system) Attention! Good morning Laaawndale, our proud football team won yet another big game this week and is primed to bring me, I mean the school, great acclaim. Special kudos to Mr. MacKenzie for playing his heart out. (Bt; Close-up on Mack, who blushes and shakes his head at the same time) If our Lions keep it up, they'll make the state playoffs.

(cut to:)

Scene VI - Lawndale High Cafeteria

(Wide, establishing shot of the cafeteria, the bell rings.)

(Daria and Jane are eating their lunches as Jodie walks up to them, similar to the scene in JustAdd Water.)

Jane: Hey Jodie, sit down and join us! Do you have any ideas for cutting edge art?

Daria: (to Jane, dryly) Have you no shame? (to Jodie) You don't have to answer that.

Jodie: Um... no, actually,... can you guys keep a secret?

(Daria and Jane look at each other with a "Why us?" look, then both nod.)

Jodie: Mack got offered a scholarship for football. Don't let him know I told you, I don't think anyone else knows besides me. (she sits down at the table)

Daria: Isn't it a bit early for that stuff?

Jodie: That's what I though, but it seems to be common to get offers this early.

Jane: (relents, with curiosity) So why are you telling us, exactly?

Jodie: You guys are friends, and not too likely to blurt it out.

Daria: How's he taking it?

Jodie: You saw it in homeroom, with reservation. He's honored, but doesn't want to be seen as just a football player.

Daria: Distancing himself from Kevin, good idea.

Jane: (quizzically) Is he gonna take it?

(Jodie shrugs.)

(cut to:)

Scene VII - Mr. DeMartino's class

(Establishing shot of the class, then a shot of Mr. DeMartino.)

DeMartino: (obviously distraught about the aptitude of a certain student) OK, here's an EASY one! Who asSASinated JFK?

(cut to Kevin, who stares back vacantly.)

(cut to a shot from over Kevin's shoulder.)

DeMartino: Kevin!

Kevin: Hold on, I know he had three names. (long pause) Anthony Michael Hall?

(DeMartino shakes his head 'no'.)

Kevin: Ray Jay Jackson?

(DeMartino shakes his head again.)

Kevin: Oh, I know, Richard Milhous Nixon.

(DeMartino puts his hands on his forehead as the screech of feedback emanates from the PA system.)

Miss Li: Will Michael MacKenzie report to my office, immediately - there is a special guest that would like to meet you.

(Mack gets up to leave.)

DeMartino: If you can, Mack, send in a RESCUE PARTY!

(cut to:)

Scene VIII - Miss Li's office

(Establishing shot of her door which cuts to the inside, Coach O'Conner is standing to the side of her desk as Mack walks in.)

Li: I guess you were wondering why I summoned you here.

Mack: (in thought, as he looks at the coach) Not anymore. (Out loud) I was, but I've met Coach O'Conner before.

Li: I hear that he has made you a preliminary offer to play football at Southern Maryland State on scholarship.

Mack: Yes, but I haven't decided. You know I have another year of high school?

Li: Just a technicality! Think about the personal glory this can bring you, Mack. Not to mention the prestige and good press it would bring me, I mean, Laaawndale High.

O'Conner: (can't wait any longer to get to the sales pitch) At S-M-S, we have state of the art facilities, including a grass field stadium with a weight room and brand new athletic dorms. Plus we are minutes from the night life of Baltimore.

Mack: What about the curriculum? That would be a major part of my life on campus, right?

O'Conner: We prefer to de-emphasize the academic rigors for our team during the season, we don't want too much pressure on them.

Mack: (suspiciously) Really?

O'Conner: Why, is that a problem?

End ACT I - Bumper: O'Conner grabbing Mack's arm and Jane dropping her easel.

(cut to:)

Commercial Time

The Tom Green Commercial Break: First he tries to annoy us into buying soft drinks, then some internet service and finally there's an ad for his show, trying to annoy us into watching it.

Does anyone actually read these?

End Commercial Time

Begin ACT II

Scene I - Right by Daria and Jane's lockers

(Music: Dave Matthews Band - Warehouse)

(Daria's looking inside her locker, Jane stands there sporting an odd gravy stain on her jacket.)

Jane: Daria, I beg of you to help me!

Daria: (sarcastic) You know, if you spent as much energy on inspiration as you are trying to get me to help, you'd be done by now.

(Jane scowls, as Mack and Jodie walk into frame.)

Daria: (as they walk by) Hi Mack , Jodie. (to Mack) Congrats on the scholarship. (to Jodie, apologetic) Oops, sorry.

Jodie: That's alright.

Mack: Miss Li's probably gonna announce it to the whole school, anyway.

(The scene follows Mack and Jodie as they pass Daria and Jane.)

Jodie: I know this is happening really fast, but you shouldn't let it linger too long.

Mack: I know, (grins with an idea) maybe I should get a second opinion.

(cut to:)

Scene II - Lawndale High's Library

(Daria is sitting at a table reading a book, Mack enters the room and sits next to her.)

Mack: Hey, Daria...

Daria: (startled) Oh, sorry Mack, I wasn't expecting any visitors.

Mack: What're you reading?

(She holds up the book, which is called "Medical Files from Football's Worst Head Injuries and Broken Bones" with a picture of Joe Theismann having his leg broken.)

Mack: (stunned that such a book even exists) Umm, that's you. (weak chuckle) Can I ask your opinion on something?

Daria: Sure, why not?

Mack: What do you think I should do about scholarship deal?

Daria: It depends.

Mack: On what...?

Daria: ...whether you want to primarily be a football player or a student.

Mack: (doesn't seem happy with the advice, like he already knew that) I guess you're right.

Daria: Look, no one can tell you what to do. You've got to figure that out.

Mack: I guess that helps, thanks.

Daria: If you need any more help, (spreads arms) my office is always open.

Mack: Cool. (starts to leave)

Daria: I seem to be helping everyone with their higher learning decisions lately.

(cut to:)

Scene III - Daria and Jane walking home from school

(Music: Beck - Devil's Haircut)

Jane: (still with the gravy stain) What were you up to during my unfortunate incarceration?

Daria: Unfortunate? You only started one of the largest food fights in the history of Lawndale High.

Jane: You don't know that for sure, but I did get out of it relatively unscathed (she points to the aforementioned gravy).

Daria: Good thing you have a lot of jackets like that. Anyway, I think I have a few ideas for your little project, just give me a chance to write them down.

Jane: OK, I'll give you a call later.

Daria: I think it's time to retire from guidance counseling.

Jane: Who else have you been counseling?

Daria: Mack stopped me in the library and asked for my opinion of his situation.

Jane: (excited) Forget the other ideas, you can ask him to pose for me.

Daria: Not so fast, I don't want to mix business with... business. (relenting) Only if all else fails and you have to ask him.

Jane: (smiling) Fair enough.

(cut to:)

Scene IV - The Morgendorffer dining area

(Starting with a wide shot of the table, then cut to a pan of Jake is in his chef's hat and apron, serving dinner, then past Daria and Quinn and stopping with Helen.)

Helen: (looking at Jake) What is this stuff?

Jake: Clam chowder a la Jake. My newest recipe.

Helen: (rolls eyes) This isn't gonna burn my tongue, is it?

Jake: Relax honey, I'm done with spices for that very reason.

Daria: Not to mention the steam shooting out of your ears.

Jake: (chuckles tentatively, like it may have happened)

Quinn: Daddy, this is all low fat because if it's not low fat I could get fat.

Jake: (confused) All natural ingredients including a few secret ones*!
(*Of course that doesn't mean it's low fat, hehe)

Helen: (started eating) This isn't so bad, actually, what's the secret ingredient?

Jake: (proudly, as Helen takes a spoonful) Snail eggs!

(Helen spits it out - the phone rings and Quinn drops her spoon to go and answer it.)

Quinn: Hello! (Bt) Oh (disappointed) Daria! It's for you!

Daria: (takes the phone from Quinn) Hi Jane. (the screen splits for the call with Daria on the left)

Jane: Yo! I'm not interrupting dinner.

Daria: Only if my dad's cooking counts as dinner and not as genetic experimentation.

Jane: So how goes the list.

Daria: I've got a few ideas for you, all of questionable artistic validity.

Jane: Let's start at the top.

Daria: First, there's always some poignant social commentary to gleam from a Fashion club "meeting."

Jane: I can definitely make fun of them easily enough, but don't you think it's a bit too easy?

Daria: There's the challenge - keeping it fresh.

Jane: OK, where and when?

Daria: Tomorrow, after school, my living room.

(cut to:)

Scene V - The Fashion Club meeting

(Music: Britney Spears - Crazy)

(The Fashion club is sitting the coffee table in the Morgendorffer's living room, Jane has her easel set up about ten feet away and Daria is sitting nearby, reading the newspaper.)

Stacy: What are they doing here? (points to Daria and Jane)

Sandi: Staaacy, I decided to allow Quinn's cousin's weird friend to paint a picture of us at work as a way to show how hard we have to work to look this good.

Tiffany/Stacy: Great idea!

Quinn: Actually, they told me that there isn't enough "money in Lawndale" to get them to leave.

Sandi: Whatever.

Tiffany: As long as they don't make me look fat.

(Cut to Jane's perspective, so far her painting resembles the infamous "dogs playing poker" masterpiece, except the dogs are wearing the clothes of various fashion club members.)

Jane: (to Daria) What'cha think?

Daria: (looks at it) Really trying to wow 'em, are we?

Jane: I know it's uninspired, but look at them, (points) they're arguing about lip gloss. What's next on that list of yours?

Daria: There's always a Mystik Spiral rehearsal.

Jane: I wasn't planning on doing a still life, but what the hey!

(cut to:)

Scene VI - Jane's basement

(Music: Some random tune from the Spiral's repertoire)

(Mystik Spiral is set up to practice and are playing. As Jane and Daria walk down the stairs, they stop.)

Trent: Hey Janey, Daria.

Jane: Trent, do you guys mind if I do some paintings of you while you practice?

Trent: It's fine with me, Jess?

Jesse: Cool. (Max and Nick shrug in agreement)

Jane: Great! Just let me get my stuff. (she runs upstairs)

Trent: (to Daria) What's she up to?

Daria: She's starting work on a portfolio for college applications.

Trent: Whoa, heavy. (coughs) What about you?

Daria: My involvement is strictly involuntary. I'm finishing up my community service.

Trent: Huh huh, you should be a comedienne. (she blushes as Jane returns and sets up her easel) What should we do, Janey?

Jane: Whatever it is that you normally do. (they start playing the same tune again)

(Cut to a couple of hours later, they are still playing as Jane has painted some random figures that vaguely look like the band.)

Jane: I never thought I'd say this, but they are moving way to fast to paint.

Daria: So (yawns)

Jane: This ain't working. What else have you got?

Daria: I'm down to my last idea. My mom always says they need courtroom sketch artists. (Jane scowls) Hey, you never know.

(cut to:)

Scene VII - Helen's Office

(Daria and Jane, who is holding a notepad, are sitting in Helen's office while Helen looks down at some paperwork.)

Helen: (to Jane) So, you're interested in becoming a court sketch artist?

Jane: (tentative) I... guess... (looks at Daria, shakes her head and mouths "Not really")

Helen: (looks up) Well, I'm not really in charge of hiring them, but I guess I can tell you if you aren't cut out for it.

Daria: (not sure if this should be aske) What do you suggest?

Helen: (stands up) How about a short mock trial, (walks around desk) I'll pretend to be questioning you and Jane can sketch us.

Daria: (rolls eyes) I object! (looks at Jane, who shrugs)

Helen: OK, let's get started. Daria sit at my desk. (she takes the seat) So how was your day? (Jane starts sketching)

Daria: Fine, how was yours?

Helen: (smirks) I'm asking the questions here. Any plans for homecoming, this weekend?

(Close-up on Daria, who rolls her eyes again - now cut to about twenty minutes later.)

Helen: know, if you made yourself more available, you would have more friends at school#.
(#This is a direct quote from my mother.)

Daria: Maybe there's a good reason why I don't make myself more available to some of the zombies I encounter at school+.
(+This wasn't my response.)

Helen: That's a cop out and you know...

Daria: (interrupts) I think Jane is done, she isn't drawing anymore.

(Cut to Jane, who is starting to doze off.)

Helen: (to Jane) Let's see what you have so far.

(Daria and Helen walk up to Jane and then cut to their perspective - the drawing is a caricature of Daria and Helen as boxers in a boxing match.)

Helen: Um.. it's not a bad drawing... but... I don't think it's realistic enough.

Jane: (sighs in relief) Thank God! No offense Mrs. Morgendorffer, but I don't think I can sit this still all day, anyway. (Helen scowls and shrugs)

(cut to:)

Scene VIII - The next morning, before homeroom

(Music: Fastball - The Way)

(Daria and Jane are just leaving their lockers and walking toward homeroom.)

Daria: you know why I'm not an artist.

Jane: I guess.

Daria: However, I don't think you were trying 100% on all of my suggestions.

Jane: What do you mean?

Daria: You seem intent on a certain subject (cut to Mack, about to walk into the classroom)

Jane: (grins) Remember that "all else failed."

End ACT II - Bumper: Mack sitting down next to Daria and Helen's spit take.

(cut to:)

Commercial Time

Next Time on Daria: I'm not quite sure yet, but I think Lawndale may be getting a new mayor.

PSA: This week is "Be Kind to Zebras Week." So if you see any zebras that make whistling sounds, be kind to them.

End Commercial Time


Scene I - Continuation of last scene outside homeroom

(Music: Fastball - The Way)

Jane: Hey Mack, (rushes up to him) Daria has something to ask you.

Daria: (who was walking and now shaking her head) I guess I do... *Jane*, after hearing about you asking for my advice, is wondering if you'd submit to her artistic whims (Jane eagerly smiles and nods)

Mack: (sorta confused and angry) Huh?

Daria: (deadpan) She wants to paint or draw a picture of you for a portfolio for college applications.

Mack: (getting it) Maybe,... but what do I have to do?

Jane: I was thinking that I could have you pose in your uniform for a few hours... (notices Mack about to say no) or I could snap a few pictures after the game this week and use them as models.

Mack: OK, under one condition.

Daria: (grinding her teeth) What do I have to do?

Mack: (looking stunned by the comment) Well, Coach O'Conner has been calling my house all week, and I've decided not to think about college until next year. He's probably gonna be at the game...

Jane: ...and?

Mack: How would you guys like to be my agents for a day?

(Daria's eyes sorta light up and they both nod - by now they all have taken their seats in class.)

Jane: (smirking, to Daria) That went well.

Daria: I still don't know how I get mixed up in this stuff all of the time.

Jane: (wise crack) Take it as a compliment, we know you're smart and have a lot of time on your hands.

Daria: Nice backhand.

(Just then, the easy to identify screech of the PA system blares, beat on the loud speaker on the wall of the room.)

Li: (tapping mic) Can I have your attention, please? As you all know, this week is homecoming for our team as they try to defeat our arch rivals from Oakwood High. As part of the festivities, there will be a mandatory pep rally after school today. Be there, or be suspended.

(At this cut to a random hallway and then a random stairwell in the school, where a loud collective groan is heard from the student body, then cut to Mr. DeMartino's homeroom where Brittany is jumping and shaking her pompoms and Kevin is yelling "I'm the QB!" over and over.)

DeMartino: Will you two SIT DOWN!

(cut to:)

Scene II - At said pep rally

(Establishing shot of the gym. All of the students are there, just like in "Daria!," with Miss Li at the podium.

Li: ...and remember, that the doors are locked from the outside - no one is leaving until I say they are (crowd boos) Oh boo yourself! Here are some of our cheerleaders to introduce the team that has brought me, I mean the school, so many accolades.

(cut to Daria and Jane in the audience, just long enough for the sarcastic comments.)

Jane: Is this the "who's dumber competition?"

Daria: I don't know, my IQ is lowerin while' I be talkin'.

(cut back to the stage, where the cheerleaders go through a bunch of cheers, like "Hey Lawndale, Hey What" (if you don't know what I'm talking about, consider yourself lucky), culminating in the daunted "cheerleader pyramid" which ends in a premature collapse - Brittany then walks to the podium.)

Brittany: (cheery (duh!)) Does everyone feel peppy?!...

(The crowd claps, then another quick cup of sarcasm.)

Jane: (to Daria, matter of factly) Are you feeling peppy?

Daria: (deadpan) I'm getting peppier by the moment. (yawns)

(Cut back to the stage, where Brittany is still talking.)

Brittany: ...and now our heroes, and the captains of the team, Kevy and Mack!

(The students cheer and woo.)

Kevin: Thanks babe! (up close into the microphone) Yeah Lawndale (feedback, Mack grabs the mic) Yo Mack daddy!

Mack: Give me that and don't call me that! (pause, while Kevin looks dejected about losing the mic) Thanks for everyone's support and I hope to see you all at the game this week. By the way, before we came up here, I took the liberty of unlocking some of the doors on the other side of the gym. (there is a short standing ovation followed by a mad rush to the doors) Class dismissed!

(A short shot of Miss Li, who is fuming over that - cut to Daria and Jane.)

Jane: Have you been training the young Jedi behind my back?

Daria: Nope, he's been picking it up on his own.

(Cut to about five minutes later as Daria and Jane are finally starting to leave.)

Jane: least no one got hurt. Thankfully, another week of school is over.

Daria: It's only Thursday.

Jane: (shakes fist) Damn five day work week!

(Mack catches them.)

Mack: (smiling) How's the agency of Lane and Morgendorffer doing?

(Jane and Daria huddle up before answering.)

Daria: (sounding rehearsed) We would like to compliment you on your handling of the "pep rally dilemma."

Mack: Thanks, but...

Jane: About the other matter, we don't usually have to prepare for negotiations like this.

Mack: So you have nothing.

Daria: We didn't say that, just make sure we can get on the sidelines for the game. (Jane drops her jaw, and Daria shrugs) I never said I didn't like a good football *game*.

Mack: No problem, you both can be honorary water girls.

Jane: As long as I don't have to carry anything. (Mack nods his head)

Daria: Then it's agreed, we get to be on the sidelines and we'll deal with the coach.

Mack: Deal. (He leaves)

Jane: That was easy, but now we need a plan.

Daria: I think I know exactly what to say but I don't think I was needed to come up with it.

Jane: But we do sell piece of mind. (Daria shrugs, she can't or won't argue)

(cut to:)

Scene III - The day of the game at Lawndale Stadium

(Wind gusts)

(Jake, Quinn, Daria and Jane are entering the stadium through one of the ticket gates.)

Jake: (having his ticket taken) Wow! What a great day for football. It's homecoming and I'm here with my lovely daughters.

Quinn: (oblivious) I'll see you all after the game - I have to meet Sandi at the snack stand.

Jake: But... (she's long gone) well, at least I've got you here, Daria.

Daria: Actually, Jane and I are supposed to be on the sidelines.

Jane: We're honorary aqueducts.

Jake: Can I come too?

Daria: I don't think so, security looks tight.

(Pan down the bleachers to the bottom, where a guy in a yellow "Event Staff" jacket is seated. He looks like an average student and is starting to fall asleep - Daria and Jane walk right past him onto the field.)

"Guy": Hey, you can't go down there!

Jane: We're with Mack.

"Guy": Oh, sorry - enjoy the game!

Jane: (aside) Wow, he's more popular than I thought.

(They walk up to the only familiar face they see - Jodie.)

Jodie: (sees Daria and Jane) How'd you guys get down here?

Daria: Mack "hired" us to negotiate the scholarship deal.

Jodie: He has been annoyed by that coach. I'm not surprised that he doesn't want to deal with it anymore.

Stadium Announcer: And now we're set for the opening kickoff...

(Cut to an establishing shot of the stadium about two hours later, then cut to Daria, Jane and Jodie, who are still standing in the same spot except they all now have something from the snack stand, whistles blow as the crowd cheers.)

Stadium Announcer: ...and with five seconds left, the Lions call time out, trailing Oakwood, 19-14, needing 47 yards for the winning score.

Daria: (staring intently) Here comes the "Hail Mary."

Jodie: We need a miracle.

(Cut to the field, the crowd quiets as the play is about to begin.)

(Slow motion sequence:
        Kevin takes the snap and drops back to pass
cut to: The scoreboard clock ticking from :05 to :04
cut to: Mack running down the side of the field covered by two defenders
cut to: The cheerleaders jumping up and down
cut to: The scoreboard clock ticking from :03 to :02
cut to: Kevin throwing the ball
cut to: Jodie covering her eyes
cut to: Mack, within five yards of the goal
cut to: The crowd, all standing
cut to: The scoreboard clock ticking from :01 to :00
cut to: The ball spiraling in the air
cut to: Mack jumping, catching the ball and landing in the endzone
end of Slow motion sequence)

(cut to the crowd, who cheers wildly.)

Stadium Announcer: Holy Cow! Lawndale wins! Lawndale wins! Final score Lawndale 20, Oakwood 19!

(The team dumps some orange liquid on their coach and then carry both Mack and Kevin off the field.)

(cut to:)

Scene IV - After the game, still on the sidelines

(Music: Queen - We are the Champions)

(There is much celebration on the field, including team members and spectators and Jake, who is running around yelling "Wahoo!" The team puts Mack down right in front of Jane, Jodie and Daria.)

Jodie: Great game!

Daria: That was an amazing pattern you ran on that last play. (Mack looks at her, surprised)

Jane: She's a student of the game.

Mack: Thanks - here comes Coach O'Conner, are you ready? (O'Conner is walking right toward him)

Jane: Bring it on.

O'Conner: (interrupts, ignores the rest of them) Hey Mack, great catch! (cuts right to the chase) Have you made up your mind, yet?

Mack: I have, talk to my representatives (he points to Daria and Jane)

O'Conner: (looks at them and laughs) Them? You're kidding?! (Mack shakes his head)

Jane: Coach O'Conner, Mr. MacKenzie has decided to decline your generous offer....

O'Conner: But...

Daria: ...However, you're welcome to reapply next year at this time.

(O'Conner grunts and walks away.)

Jodie: (disappointed) That's it.

Mack: What do you mean by that?

Jodie: I just thought there would be more fireworks.

Jane: (to Mack) And now to complete our transaction (she has already taken a disposable camera out of her pocket)

Mack: OK (He makes a few poses, including the "Heisman Trophy" pose)

Jane: Great, thanks a lot Mack.

Mack: Just let me know when you've got a finished product.

(cut to:)

Scene V - Epilogue, about three weeks later in homeroom

(Music: Cake - The Distance)

(Jane enters homeroom carrying a canvas in a garbage bag.)

Jane: Hey Mack, here are the results of my tireless efforts. Remember that I was done before you guys lost, but it'll still seem appropriate.

Mack: Someone caught fumble-itis the other day.

(Cut to a flashback of Kevin dropping the ball and then getting run over by three opponents.)

(Cut back to Daria.)

Daria: When someone like Kevin focuses his brain so intensely for so long, when it fails, it really fails.

Mack: Let's see that (Jane removes the garbage bag and Mack starts laughing)

(Cut to his perspective - the painting of his "Heisman" pose, slightly abstracted, with a mortarboard on his head. Kevin is in the background, similarly abstracted, with a dunce cap.)

Jane: I call it Conflicting Minds of the Gridiron.

Daria: Maybe it should be A Team is only as Strong as its Weakest Link.


(Cut to the credits.)

(Credits Music: The Verve Pipe - Hero)

Comments from the Author

        So, this is what writing a 'real' fanfic is like. I don't know, I expected it to be bumpier. Anywho, I had originally planned this story to be solely about Mack's scholarship. However, when it became increasingly difficult to do by itself, I came up with the subplot of Jane looking for subjects to start this mysterious portfolio. As you all can see, the subplot gradually took over and became the main plot. Oh well. But despite being pushed into the background once again, Mack did get a lot more to do than in most of season three. Overall, I'd have to say that I'm proud of this one as a sort of "debut," but I can still see room for improvement. That, and I had a lot of fun with this.

        Now for some specific character points (in terms of this particular story):

        I see Jane as being highly creative, but sometimes lacking in the motivation department. That's why I went the way I did with her, too lazy to get started on her own, but willing to ask for help. Daria, by contrast, isn't as creative as she is practical. Her list of possible "subjects" is evidence (she's also very aware of the "questionable artistic merit"). Also, it maybe a little odd that she kept going along with helping everyone. Perhaps that's a contrivance, but it does show her compassion. With Mack, I see him as someone who works hard, does well, but is humble about being praised. He's like Muhammad Ali; everyone, including himself, knows he's good; without the boastfulness. And as for Coach O'Conner, I didn't want to make him look too bad (which is why he's missing from much of the middle of the fic), but abrasive enough to make everyone not like him.

Other Loose Ends

        American Football Terms - I was going to go all out of the descriptions and accounts of some of the football scenes but decided against it because it would be best not to get too detailed, for those who aren't fans.

        Daria likes football? - Football can (emphasis on "can") be a very intelligent game, even if a lot of the players are dolts. So, I don't think having Daria enjoy the strategic aspects of the game is too far a stretch.

        Same Homeroom? C'mon - On the surface, having Daria, Jane, Mack and Jodie in the same homeroom seems like a contrivance. However, if Lawndale arranges their homerooms alphabetically (like my high school did), it makes perfect sense. ...Landon, Lane, MacKenzie, Morgendorffer...

        I got Oakwood from The Daria Diaries.

        Title, Schmitle - My title for this fic, "Touchdown Jane," is a reference to the fabled "Touchdown Jesus" that is associated with the University of Notre Dame in South Bend, Indiana. At one end of their football stadium (I think it's outside the stadium, but I'm not sure) is a statue of Jesus with both of his arms raised. The statue is thought to give the Fighting Irish (which is the team's nickname) good luck.

Unanswered Questions

        Why was Quinn in a hurry to leave the house in Act I?

        Why did everyone go to Daria for help? I mean, no one even died this time.

        What will happen to Jane's portfolio rejects? And doesn't she need more than one piece for something like that anyway? (I can promise you that we'll hear from that again)

        Did anyone read "Padded Room of Terror" ;) ?

Anything Else?

        Finally, I would like to thank everyone who has read this far. Kudos to you! Also thanks to those who've given me encouragement in trying this (whether they realize it or not): Kara Wild, paperpusher, Martin J Pollard, Jeg7777 (Joe), Michelle Klien-Hass, CE Foreman, John Berry, Candidbrit and anyone else I've forgotten. Also, I encourage fan art, if anyone out there is brave enough.

If you have any questions or comments about this or anything else I've written/said, then by all means email me. The address is...

Copyright 1999 Mike Quinn [All Rights Reserved].
Daria and all related characters are 1999 MTV Networks, Inc.
Any other copyrights that I've used are property of their creators.

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