Some of the events and persons mentioned in this fanfic did happen and do exist, but have been somewhat fictionalized.  I myself have diverged from the alternate self shown here sometime in 1996.  To those of you who may be offended, remember:  this is a cartoon.  This is not and could never be real.

Permission is granted to repost, republish, or retransmit this work in any way, shape, or form as long as these disclaimers
remain intact, and no one except Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis, MTV Studios, or Viacom, the parent of MTV receive financial
remuneration.

Historians' Note: This story and its sequels take place in lieu of the prospective Season Five.

Splendora's You're Standing On My Neck has been replaced by Man on the Moon by REM, and the following montage
plays:

Mr. Ben Breeck looks resigned.  Pan over to his students, who include Daria, Jane, Kevin, Brittany, Upchuck, and most of the rest of the gang in Daria's class.

Ben is in Principal Li's office, with narrowed eyes, and regards Li, who is yakking in grandiose terms, with a look of tired incredulity.

Pizza King.  Ben is grading papers while hoisting a slice with pepperoni, bacon, onions, anchovies, and sun dried tomatoes.  Pan to Daria, Jane, and Tom's booth.  Daria is suspicious, Jane is startled, and Tom's face is neutral.

A dance. Ben approaches Claire DeFoe and says something.  She blushes and takes his hand.  Pan to Upchuck with a camera snapping a picture.

The classroom again.  Mr. Breeck pulls a sleeping Kevin's face up by his hair, removes some googly-eyed Groucho glasses from his face, folds them, then drops Kevin's face back on his desk.  Pan to Daria, Jane, and Jodie's approving glances.

The Zen.  Mystik Spiral is thrashing on stage, and Trent is singing like his life depends on it.  Pan to the audience where one of the patrons is Ben, who's looking rather unimpressed.

Daria is at a street corner with Tom, who is speaking.  He stops talking, his tongue cleaving to the roof of his mouth.  At the exact same instant, she acquires a cold, angry look, says something between clinched teeth, and stalks out of the shot.

The Zen.  Ben is up on stage and apparently doing a monologue.  Pan to the audience, which includes Daria, Jane, and Mystik Spiral.  Everybody is laughing except Daria.

Close-up of Daria Smirking, which acquires an oval around it.  Zoom into the Daria Logo.  Super: Daria in:

Scene: Establishing Shot of Carter County Mobile Home Park.  Pan over to Ben's Trailer, where he is grinding up something green in a mortar and pestle.  Cut to an interior shot of Ben making pesto.  Next to him are two whole wheat homemade pizza crusts, a bowl of chopped onions and cucumbers, a second bowl of cheese, and a third bowl of shredded chicken.  Cut to a 1986 Pontiac Grand Prix (with Kentucky plates) turning in to the park and pulling next to Ben's trailer.  Cut to Ben pouring the pesto into the pizza crusts.  Sound of a knock at the door.  Maintain the shot as Ben walks over to the door and opens it.  Cut to the doorway.  The woman there is short (5'1"), with blond hair and blue eyes, dressed in a red knee length skirt and white and blue horizontal striped shirt.  She wears glasses and has freckles all over her cheeks and arms, and is quite willowy.  In her hand is a Bose Acoustic Wave portable radio/tape player, the kind that is supposed to replicate concert sound in as small a space as possible, which she presses play.

Woman: (singing along with Stevie Nicks doing Fleetwood Mac's Silver Springs, and dancing into the trailer.) Time casts a spell on you but you won't forget me/ I know I could have loved you but you would not let me (No no no no no no)/ I'll follow you down 'till the sound of my voice will haunt you (Give me just a chance)/ You'll never get away from the sound of the woman who loves you (Was I just a fool?)

Ben: Kim?  Is that you?

Kim: (Switching the device off) In the flesh.  How are you, Ben?

Ben: This is rather unexpected. (Recovering) But really, I was the one who tried to love you.  I really couldn't compete with a burn victim on Montel Williams who inspired you to go into nursing. (Beat) What happened to Shawn?

Kim: We broke up.  You're gonna ask how I got here aren't you.  I can see it.

Ben: That would be a start.

Kim: Well, after I got my Nursing Degree, I spent two years at Princess Memorial as an intern, before being offered a good job at this place called Cedars of Lawndale, in Texas.

Ben: Really?  I thought you wanted to go to Chicago, or Indianapolis.

Kim: Well, in this line of work, you take what you can get.

Ben: Go on.

Kim: That was about a month ago, when I read in the paper that you'd gotten in trouble with the law, and you were right where I was working at1.

Ben: That's kind of a long story.  Maybe we could talk about it a little later.

Kim: It took three weeks to get settled in at my new address, and by that time things had died down.  And then I read about those academic team victories.  I'm proud of you.

Ben: Kim...

Kim: I know you have several questions about how things are going.  I know I do!  Where'd you get those glasses?  I knew I couldn't let you celebrate Thanksgiving alone.  Ooh, are those pizzas?  You were always a good cook.  This is so exciting!

Ben: (Starting to look really nervous) Kim...

Kim: Ohh, I've missed you so.  (Latches on for a big bear hug)

Pan to show Claire DeFoe opening the door, startling Kim.  DeFoe takes on a shocked, then angry look.

Ben: I know what it looks like, Claire, but it's not what it seems.

Claire slams the door shut behind her.

Ben: (Smiling nervously) Kim, I have some real explaining to do.
 

Scene: The Zen.  Tom Sloane is at a table with a can of Coke.  He checks a watch.  He then gets up and exits the shot.  Cut to the cash register.  There is a guy behind the counter, thirties looking, with a mustache, shades, and sideburns.  Tom walks up to him.

Tom: Pardon me, but have you seen a girl, about this tall, auburn hair, wears glasses...

Guy behind the cash register: (interrupting) Sure.  She's a regular, but don't tell the cops that.  (Points up on stage) Isn't that her up on stage?

Tom looks where the guy points, then acquires a shocked, angry look.  He stalks off in the opposite direction.  Cut to:
 

Scene: Establishing Exterior shot of Pizza Forest.  Cut to an interior shot.  Up on stage, Mystik Spiral (The audio-animatronics have all been shunted off to one side) has just finished a song.

Trent: We're Mystik Spiral, and we'll be back for another set.

Cut to Daria, Isaac and Jane, who are wearing birthday party hats.

Jane: You did tell him that you were going to Link's birthday party, didn't you.

Daria: Well, I left it on the answering machine. (Beat) Last night.

Link:  (Poking his head into the shot) Daria, Jane, quick.  Uncle Ben's about to cut the cake.

Ben: (Off Screen, Singing) For He's a jolly good fellow/ whose name is Robin Goodfellow/ For He's a Jolly Good Fel-low/ which nobody can deny!

Cut to:
 

Scene: Quinn's room.  Quinn is dialing a number and puts her ear to the receiver.  Split screen to put David into the picture.

Quinn: David?

David: Yeah, Quinn.

Quinn: I think that I have some really bad news.

David: What is it?

Quinn: Remember Thanksgiving at your folks2?

David:  Yeah.

Quinn: I know I was on the pill, but all this week I've been throwing up!

David: Oh, No!

Quinn: I think I'm pregnant, David.

David: Why don't you get a test?

Quinn: I'm afraid.  I can hide my pills by having them flavored like breath mints, but I can't hide a pregnancy test!  Not from Mom!

David: I really hope this isn't true Quinn, I still have ten credits left to get my Bachelors, and at least three years for my Ph. D.

Quinn: Hey, I'm just a high school junior.  This is far worse for me.

David: I'm sorry, Quinn.  I didn't mean it that way.  But I still sure hope you're wrong.

Quinn: Me too.

Cut to:
 

Scene:  Night external shot of Pizza Forest.  Cut to the front door.  Daria is exiting the restaurant.  Jane and Isaac are already outside.

Jane: Hey, Daria.  How would you like a ride home?

Daria:  In that thing?  How would you wedge me in?  Seriously, it's a kind offer, but I'll pass.

Jane:  It's awfully dark.  You sure about this?

Daria: Jane, I've walked through worse in Highland.

Jane: As you wish.

Daria begins walking home.  Wipe to another shot of Daria walking on the side of the road. Music: Stray, by Lisa Loeb and the Nine Lives.   A white 1988 Ford Mustang GT convertible (With its top up) zooms past.  Cut to the Mustang rounding a bend.  Cut back to Daria.  Ten seconds later, Tom's Ford Granada drives past Daria.  Cut to Tom parking the car by the side of the road and getting out.  Cut to Daria, in shock.

Daria: Tom?

Cut to a pissed looking Tom.

Tom: There you are, Daria.

Cut to Daria.

Daria: Tom, I appreciate the offer, but I'm- Tom?

Pan to put Tom in the shot.

Tom: (Ticking off points with his fingers)  I've been trailing you ever since you sang that duet with Jimmy back there at the Zen, then made out in his car.  Not only have you been going out behind my back, but with Him?

Daria:  Tom, what planet are you from?  I was invited to Link's birthday party at Pizza Forest after today's Academic match where we thoroughly humiliated Houston Science Magnet School.  I put it on the answering machine last night...  Jimmy? You mean that idiot from Fielding's academic team Jimmy?

Tom: Don't play innocent.  I saw it all.  Daria, how could you?

Daria: How could I what?  For the last two hours I've been eating bad pizza and good cake, doing a roast of the birthday boy, listening to Mystik Spiral play songs from their new album and talk about their upcoming concert tour beginning February, and enduring Jane doing bad parodies on the karaoke machine along with the cartoon animals there.  I even put it on the answering machine last night as to what I was doing.

Tom: (Slowly losing steam) Daria, tonight was special.  It is the six-month anniversary of that first kiss we had in the old Matador.  And you are making excuses.

Daria: (Starting to get angry) Tom, you don't seem to be hearing anything I'm saying.  We never discussed the exact details of your breakup with Jane3, but I would bet they were similar to what's happening right now.  Goodbye, Tom.  And if you come after me in your car I'll scream.  (Stalks out of the shot.)

Commercial Break.  Stinger: Ms. DeFoe slamming the door on Ben and Kim.
 

Montage.  Music: It Must Have Been Love (But it's Over Now) by Roxette.

Claire DeFoe crying while eating chocolates in her loft with her roommates and watching Cliffhanger.

Ben sniffling while eating sweet and sour chicken with chopsticks (very shakily) and watching Sick, Sad World.

Daria banging something out on her keyboard, a look of grim determination on her face.

Quinn in her room pacing nervously.  There are circles under her eyes.

A classroom with an unknown teacher.  Pan to David, who is so deprived of sleep he looks like a zombie.

Tom at home walking up to the answering machine.  He presses a button, and three seconds later facefaults.

Daria Playing Doom with a grim determination on her face.  Pan over her shoulder, where we see that this time all the Former Humans have been replaced by likenesses of Tom.

Ben is walking through a Lawndale High School hall.  Cut to disapproving stares by Anthony DeMartino and Diana Bennet, and a predatory baring of teeth by Janet Barch.

Cut to:
 

Scene: Split Screen between Daria's room and the Lane kitchen.  Daria and Jane are talking on the phone.

Jane: Daria, What gives?  You didn't come over for bad movie nights.

Daria: (Grimly) Jane, I just broke up with Tom.

Jane: (Shocked Look) You did what?

Daria: You heard me.  I broke up with Tom.

Jane: (Slowly Recovering) I just don't believe it.  I mean, you seemed to have way more in common with him than I did.

Daria: I was walking home from Pizza Forest, after Link's party, when Tom pulled up.  He said I was cheating on him with Jimmy, of all people.

Jane: Really?  From Fielding Prep?  The wrong answer boy?  No way!

Daria: Way!  It seems he didn't bother to answer the answering machine, and then he thought he saw me and Jimmy up on stage at the Zen, then saw us making out in a car after the show.

Jane: When we all saw you at the party.  You didn't even excuse yourself to the bathroom.  How'd you manage it?

Daria: I don't know.

Jane: (Suddenly Realizing Something) Wait a minute! Back during that match with Fielding, I went to the bathroom after completing my tests.  As I was going through the hall, I saw Cindy with Jimmy.

Daria: Cindy?

Jane: She looks like you, except that her clothes are colored differently4.  She's Andrea's friend.

Daria: How do you know this?

Jane: How do you think she became Andrea's friend?  We used to do things together, and then I indroduced the two to each other.  The result was reminiscent of you and Ted, and bubblegum, and the Beatles5.  I think you saw her at Brittany's party last year.

Daria: Don't remind me of Ted.  He's worse than Quinn used to be.

Jane: I understand.  Hey, I have tickets and back stage passes to one of Mystik Spiral's first concerts.  It's going to be in New Jersey during Spring Break.

Daria: Jane, I don't think so.

Jane: Why not, Daria?

Daria: Jane, Number One: That's four months from now, and we could be in the All A tournament.  Two, I don't think Mom or Dad would approve.  Three and most important, I'm on the rebound, but not that much on the rebound.

Jane: Am I that transparent?

Daria: Jane, I've known you for about two years now.  It's nothing you wouldn't do.  I still can't forgive Trent for that multimedia project he screwed up6.

Jane: I see.

Daria: Sorry, Jane.  I promise I be there next week, okay?

Jane: I know the perfect bad movie, too.

Daria: Don't spoil it.  I want to be surprised.  Bye bye, Jane.

Jane: As you wish.  Good bye, Daria.

They hang up.  End Split screen.  Daria clicks the remote.  Pan and zoom into the television screen as it shows various Dolphins, Orcas, and Cachalots with soap suds on their bodies.

Sick, Sad World Announcer: When cetaceans get too hairy, these guys are the barbers sent to make them presentable.  Shaving the Whales, NEXT on Sick, Sad World!

Zoom out to Ben's Trailer.  Ben is in the easy chair eating a dinner of Pacific smoked salmon wrapped in bacon and a tossed salad.  Phone rings.  Ben picks it up.  Split Screen between Kim's apartment and Ben's trailer.

Kim: Ben? How are you?

Ben: As well as expected, considering that my current love thinks I'm a liar and a two-timer.

Kim: Maybe it's all those clocks in your trailer set to both Eastern and Central time.

Ben: Kim...

Kim: Sorry.

Ben: How'd you get my number?  The new phone book is not due out for another month.

Kim: I called the school secretary, said I was a parent of one of your students.

Ben: And they gave it out just like that?  I'm not very popular with some of my students' parents.

Kim: I said I wanted to thank you for what a good job you've done.  I also scheduled a meeting with Ms. DeFoe.

Ben: Don't you worry they'll look you up?

Kim: I used Mr. Franklin as an intermediary, if you get my drift.

Ben: Uh, I sure hope you know what you're doing.

Kim: Don't worry.  It can't be traced to you.  I swear I'll make it up to you.  I swear it.

Ben: Thank you Kim, I just don't know what to say.

Kim: Don't worry, you just did.

Cut to:
 

Scene: Establishing Shot of Lawndale High.  Cut to a Bell Ringing.  Cut to the Art Room.  Claire Defoe is sculpting something with lots of spikes and edges.  Sound of a door knock.

DeFoe: Come In, Ms. Hulker.

Pan to the door opening.  Kim enters and closes the door.

Ms. DeFoe Turns to her grade book, turns to the door, and gasps.

Cut to Kim.

Kim: It's okay, He doesn't know about this.

Cut to DeFoe.

DeFoe: So, you've come to rub my nose into it?

Cut to Kim.

Kim: Nothing of the sort. (cue music: Listen to Your Heart by Roxette) I came to say I'm sorry.  See, we were a couple for four years, starting the last semester of his senior year.  Except that I suppose that I wasn't as attentive as I could have been.  I also had a crush on this kid from Montel Williams.  (Beat) I've never managed to meet him, but I later found out that he was engaged, but it was that kid who inspired me to go into nursing, not that Ben didn't encourage me to enter nursing school as well.  We broke up.  Then when I got here after nursing school, I was on the rebound.  I didn't know he had a new girlfriend when I found his address.  I swear it.  Ben's a wonderful guy who would never cheat on you.  He's still a virgin, for crying out loud.

DeFoe: Really?

Kim: Of course.  I'm sorry.  I hope you can stop blaming him and start blaming me. (Beat) And then forgive me.

DeFoe:  I suppose you aren't the only one who should be sorry.  Why don't we surprise him?  I know this delicious recipe

Kim: Sure thing.

Cut to:
 

Scene: Just outside a girl's bathroom in Lawndale high.  Sound of a toilet being flushed.  A beaming Quinn comes through the door.  Maintain the shot as a puzzled Stacy comes into view.

Stacy: Quinn, what's going on?

Quinn: Nothing but a monkey jumping right off my back.  There's lots to talk about this afternoon at Pizza King.  Want to come?

Stacy: Sure, if it will clear up all this strangeness going on with you.

Commercial Break. Stinger: Daria and Jane talking on the phone.
 

Commercial

Voice Over: On the next episode of The New Teacher Series, Lawndale High comes under fire, at least in a figurative sense.

Scene: A large room filled with parents of Lawndale High students, as well as more than a few teachers.  At the podium is Michelle Landon.

Michelle: This action is unbelievable.

Voice Over: And you won't believe who's in charge of this assault.

Scene: Timothy O'Neil is at the Podium.

O'Niell: It takes a lot to make me blow my top, but this is absolutely outrageous.

Voice Over: All this, and much more, Next Week!

End Commercial
 

Scene:  Pizza King.  Quinn and Stacy are talking between slices of cheese pizza.

Stacy: Really?

Quinn: Please don't tell, Stacy.

Stacy: Of course not.  To tell you the truth, I've been throwing up a lot too.  I think it's the food.

Quinn: Really?  Maybe we could put some under a microscope for a science project.

Stacy:  Good.  I could use the extra credit.  And maybe we could get to the bottom of this.  (Points) Hey which one is your sister?

Pan over to a different table, where Daria is sitting down next to a girl who looks like her exact double, except that she is wearing a somewhat longer skirt and orange jacket, and her glasses are Fifties style pointed cornered.

Girl: Go away, Daria.

Daria: This will only take a second.

Flash goes off and sound of a camera clicking.  Girl falls out of her chair.

Girl: What was all that for?

Daria: Cindy, do you go to the Zen regularly, with a student of Fielding named Jimmy?

Cindy: Sure.  We do covers of GoGos, Talking Heads, and B52s Songs.  Why?

Daria: Well, my boyfriend- ahem ex-boyfriend saw you two on stage.  He thought you were me.

Cindy: You must be talking about Tom.  Jimmy told me about him, except that I think he's in college.

Daria: He is. (Reaching into the the foreground and picking up a large camera)  If you ever need a favor, call me.

Cindy: I might take you up on that sometime.  Thank you for taking my time and trying my patience.

Cut to:

Scene:  The Giant Strawberry.  Quinn and David are walking and talking together.

David: Quinn, I've done some serious soul searching, and I have come to a decision.  I'll support you in what ever choice you make regarding our child.

Quinn: That's sweet, David, it really is.  But it turns out, I'm really not pregnant.

David: Did you take a pregnancy test, Quinn?

Quinn: No.

David: Then how the heck do you know?

Quinn: (Smiling Broadly) Because I'm having my period, and it is quite heavy.

David: (Sighing With Relief) Then why were you throwing up?

Quinn: Remember Jack-in-the-Box a while back?  They had undercooked burgers that made people sick?  Well, the beef in the lunchroom's spaghetti's the same way.  I wasn't the only one to get it either.  I think you call the bug E. Coli.  Several students missed classes.

David: Why didn't Daria get it?

Quinn: I guess because she's been bagging her lunch recently.

David: I see.  What are you going to do?

Quinn: I've already sent duplicate reports to Ms. Barch; my science teacher, the Superintendent, and to Principal Li.

David: I see.  This is unbelievable, Quinn.  I love you. (Cue Music: Leather and Lace By Fleetwood Mac, Featuring Don Henley.)

Quinn: I love you, too.  David.

They Embrace.

David: Quinn, are you sure I can kiss you?

Quinn: Sure I'm sure.

David: Okay...

They Kiss.  Cut to:
 

Scene: Carter County Mobile Home Park.  Ben is getting out of the Jeep.  Cut to him placing keys into two different locks on his doors and turning them.  And then opening the door.  Suddenly he sniffs.

Ben: (Thought Voice Over) Something smells good. (Suspicious expression) What's going on?

Cut to him entering the Mobile home.  Suddenly, all the lights come on.

DeFoe and Kim: (Off Screen, in chorus) Surprise!

Cut to close up of a rather startled Ben.

Ben: You shouldn't have. (Recovering and inhaling some more)  Really, you simply shouldn't have.

Cut to Kim and Defoe.  Kim is holding a baking sheet with some delicious looking pastries on it. DeFoe is pulling off oven mitts.

Kim: I know, but it's just that I couldn't help it.  I've had a lot of practice in three years.

DeFoe: Just a little something to say I'm sorry.

Pan to put Ben in the shot, inhaling through his nose.

Ben: Calzone Carbonarra.  My Favorite!  (To DeFoe) But really.  There's nothing to forgive or be sorry about.  It was an honest mistake.

Kim: I better go get the wine at the liquor store.  See you two love birds soon. (Exits the shot.  Cue Music: It's All Coming Back to Me by Celine Dion.)

Ben: But you know I don't drink7.  (Sound of the door closing, To DeFoe)  Claire, whose idea was it?

Defoe: Mine.  I saw that Italian Cookbook you had in your pantry, and decided to try it out.

Ben: I see.  So, how did you get in?

Defoe: My, aren't you the scatterbrained one.  You gave me the keys, remember?

Ben: Oh, that's right.  I hope you don't have any exes that I need to know about?

DeFoe: Only my ex classmates at my loft8.

They embrace.  Cut to:
 

Scene: Morgendorffer Residence, exterior establishing shot.  Tom's Ford Granada is in the Drive way, but not Helen's SUV or Jake's Lexus.  Cut to the living room, where Daria and Tom are talking.

Tom: (Looking at the photograph of Daria and Cindy) I'm sorry, Daria.  Later that night I did listen to that message.  I don't know how you can forgive me.

Daria: Why didn't you call the next day, or the day after? It's been almost one week!  Finals are over and you are back to spending 24/7 at the mansion.

Tom: I thought the line would be busy, what with Quinn and all.

Daria: The line was almost always free.  You didn't even try, Tom.

Tom: Daria...

Daria: Tom, I've been doing some thinking.  I may be right for what you need, and you may be right for what I need, but we really aren't right for each other.  Not right now, at least.

Tom: You know I would make a better boyfriend than the lead singer of a grunge band who was too sleepy to help you when you needed it and he didn't have any gigs.

Daria: You don't know how empty that boast is, Tom, even if it is true.  Tom, from now, well for the time being, let's just be friends and leave the boyfriend and girl friend stuff until later, okay?

Tom: If you wish.  It's just that it's been enjoyable being your beau is all.

Daria: I wish.  Tom, don't think of it as a failed experiment, think of it as a learning experience.  It certainly has been one for me.

Tom (Looking Sad): As you wish.

Roll Credits.  Theme: Landslide, by Fleetwood Mac

Makeovers:

Ben as Tenchi

Kim as a Sailor Senshi

Claire DeFoe as Dorothy from The Big O.

David as Der Fledermaus from The Tick.

Quinn as Mistress Liberty from The Tick.

Stacy as Roll from Mega Man.

Tom as J. Jonah Jameson from the Spiderman comics.

Daria as Min, from Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series.

Daria Logo.

Notes:

1. The events of Homecoming Dunce and Courtroom Trauma.

2. It was talked about in Roasted, Prime Chuck.

3. But the audience saw the opening rounds in Dye Dye, My Darling.

4. She's been in The Invitation, Malled, This Year's Model, The Misery Chick, Daria Dance Party, Daria! (her only speaking part), A Tree Grows in Lawndale, I Loathe a Parade, Groped by an Angel , and Fizz Ed.  It was the MTV Daria website that had given her her name very recently.

5. The New Kid has all the gory details.

6. See Jane's Addition.

7. And I really don't.  Most beers are either too bitter, (Hops are a preservative, nothing more or less.  Don't ever believe otherwise.) or too sweet. (I absolutely hate priming sugar.)  As for wine, it tastes way too pulpy.  And distilled spirits are just for washing one's mouth out, IMNSHO.

8. This came from Outpost Daria.