The Characters of Daria Morgendorffer, Quinn Morgendorffer, Jane Lane, Trent Lane, Jesse Moreno, Nick Campbell, Max
Tyler, Kevin Thompson, Michael Jordan "Mack" MacKenzie, Brittany Taylor, Jodie Landon, Angela Li, Anthony DeMartino,
and many more, even if not mentioned here, are the Creation of Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis and Copyright MTV Studios.  Mr. Buzzcut is the creation of Mike Judge and Copyright MTV Studios.  This story is in no way to be construed as a challenge to said copyright.

Some of the events and persons mentioned in this fanfic did happen and do exist, but have been somewhat fictionalized.  I
myself have diverged from the alternate self shown here sometime in 1996.  To those of you who may be offended, remember:  this is a cartoon.  This is not and could never be real.

Permission is granted to repost, republish, or retransmit this work in any way, shape, or form as long as these disclaimers
remain intact, and no one except Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis, MTV Studios, or Viacom, the parent of MTV receive financial

Historians' Note: This story and its sequels take place in lieu of the prospective Season Five.

Opening Sequence:

Splendora's You're Standing On My Neck has been replaced by Man on the Moon by REM, and the following montage

Mr. Ben Breeck looks resigned.  Pan over to his students, who include Daria, Jane, Kevin, Brittany, Upchuck, and most of the rest of the gang in Daria's class.

Ben is in Principal Li's office, with narrowed eyes, and regards Li, who is yakking in grandiose terms, with a look of tired incredulity.

Pizza King.  Ben is grading papers while hoisting a slice with pepperoni, bacon, onions, anchovies, and sun dried tomatoes.  Pan to Daria, Jane, and Tom's booth.  Daria is suspicious, Jane is startled, and Tom's face is neutral.

A dance. Ben approaches Claire DeFoe and says something.  She blushes and takes his hand.  Pan to Upchuck with a camera snapping a picture.

The classroom again.  Mr. Breeck pulls a sleeping Kevin's face up by his hair, removes some googly-eyed Groucho glasses from his face, folds them, then drops Kevin's face back on his desk.  Pan to Daria, Jane, and Jodie's approving glances.

The Zen.  Mystik Spiral is thrashing on stage, and Trent is singing like his life depends on it.  Pan to the audience where one of the patrons is Ben, who's looking rather unimpressed.

Daria is at a street corner with Tom, who is speaking.  He stops talking, his tongue cleaving to the roof of his mouth.  At the exact same instant, she acquires a cold, angry look, says something between clinched teeth, and stalks out of the shot.

The Zen.  Ben is up on stage and apparently doing a monologue.  Pan to the audience, which includes Daria, Jane, and Mystik Spiral.  Everybody is laughing except Daria.

Close-up of Daria Smirking, which acquires an oval around it.  Zoom into the Daria Logo.  Super: Daria in:

Roasted, Prime Chuck
A Piece of Daria Fan Fiction by Ben Breeck
Episode 1:09 of The New Teacher Series

Scene: Lawndale High, exterior.  Cut to Mr. DeMartino's room.  Mr. DeMartino is in front of the class, lecturing.

DeMartino: WHEN will you IDIOTS learn?  Especially you three Idiots!  Mr. WHITE, The McCarthy WITCH hunts did NOT take place in a Japanese CARTOON involving starship BALL TURRET gunners!

Pan over to the desks of Quinn, Stacy, Sandi, and Tiffany.

Sandi: Gee, Quinn, if this grade curve keeps getting any steeper, some people around here could start getting vertigo.

Quinn:  Really Sandi, Mr. DeMartino only curves the grades up.  You'd probably get a better grade if you started studying more often.

Sandi: Oh, and Friday night, I hear you were a walking fashion disaster.

Quinn: What the heck are you talking about, Sandi?

Sandi:   Such as this, Quinn.  (Whipping out a picture of Quinn arm in arm with Jamie in an outfit right out of the Sixties, Tie-dyed shirt and bell bottoms.)

Quinn: Sandi, that looks like you pasted my head onto someone's body.  Get real.

Sandi: Well, this is just a fair warning.

Cut to:

Scene: Janet Barch's Biology class.  Ms. Barch is lecturing.

Barch: And so we see, it is the male's sperm that determines the sex of the offspring, not the female's egg, thus Henry VIII has egg on his face as well.

Pan over to Daria and Jane.

Daria: Well, Jane are you looking forward to the next academic match?

Jane: Yeah.  I hear that First Impression is gonna have some pretty tough people there.

Daria: I see.  A toast to Upchuck, whose charm and winning ways got me my position.  May he never grace these halls again and never be invited to class reunions.

Jane: Speaking of the little booger, how's he doing?

Cut to:

Scene: A darkened cell, except that this one has cots rather than wooden hammocks.  Upchuck is under his covers, bent over shivering.  Music: They Might be Giants by They Might be Giants.

Upchuck: (murmuring) I am Dames Bong, super secret agent double-O buckshot.  Intrigue is my game.  Wait a minute, it's baccarat.  No, it's gin rummy.

Voice Over: (Off Screen, think Nelson from The Simpsons) Fish!

Upchuck: Gotta keep goin'.  What would J, K, and W think?

Another Voice Over (Think Todd from Beavis and Butthead):  Fresh Fish too.

Upchuck: (Chanting) They Might be Giants/ They Might be Giants...

Third Voice Over: Knock it off.  He's been here for three weeks now.  He ain't fun fishing any more.

Upchuck: (Crying) I want my inflatable Betty Boop!  (Starts sobbing)

Fourth Voice Over: (Sounds like a Drill Sergeant) Lights Out, already.

Misty Dissolve with harp to a Courtroom.  Upchuck is standing next to the prosecution table, with a "Deer in Headlights" expression.  Cut to Judge Ivan A. Hardass.  Music: The Trial by Pink Floyd.1

Judge: Normally, I would simply dismiss the case and call it a day, with a chastisement and a fine, or start the next case.  But you, young man, you are special, and not in a good way.  This wasn't an honest mistake made in the confusion of the moment.  This was an attempt to pervert the judicial system to accomplish personal revenge.  Personal petty revenge, except that the consequences would have been anything but petty.  Because you confessed, however belatedly, I can't send you to adult prison, but don't think you are getting but a slap on the wrist.  (Clears Throat)  Charles Ruttheimer III, it is the decision of this court that for the charges of Perjury, Malicious Prosecution, and abuse of the State Court system, you will be remanded to the custody of a Medium Security Juvenile Facility to be determined by the board of corrections until the end of the school year corresponding to your eighteenth birthday, after which you will participate in a work release program for four years, somewhere to the west of here.  To satisfy the charge of Contempt of Court, you will pay a fine of $2,000, the total assets in your savings and checking accounts in banks within the state of Texas.  Charles Ruttheimer Jr., I can't find any procedural wrongdoing against you, but your money helped finance this charade, and your example to your son led to this point.  I hereby order you to pay the legal costs of Mr. Breeck's defense.  (Voice starts to ring distantly) And if he decides to seek a remedy in civil court for his lost wages, this court will be most cooperative.  Case Dismissed.  Court is adjourned.

Misty Disolve back to Upchuck shivering in his cell.

Cut to:

Scene:  A classroom.  This one has carpeting, colorful walls, and all the furniture is bolted to the floor.  Facing the class is a teacher who looks like C. Montgomery Burns, if C. Montgomery Burns had been drawn by the Daria team.

Teacher: Good morning class.  I hope you can save some of your enthusiasm for Mr. Balioll.  Today, we will talk about solution sets.

First voice: (From Last Scene) You mean like the answer doesn't have to be arson, it could be malicious wounding instead?

Teacher: (Smiling Like a Shark) Jason, you do realize that you've just earned two demerits don't you?  Remember, adult prison is just like this place, only much more so.  Now as I was saying...

Pan over to a big, hulking fellow in the same shot as Upchuck (Who is four seats away from him, they are using tables, not desks).  Both are wearing expressions of angst.

Cut to:

Scene: Mr. Breeck's Classroom.  Ben is lecturing.

Ben:  As we all know, the Maya of the southern lowlands began to decline at the end of the Eighth Century A.D. and by the end of the ninth the cities were all ghost towns.  The question is, was it soil mismanagement, wars, or maybe drought that did them in?  The answer is yes.

Pan over to Daria and Jane.

Daria:  Last night, I finished listening to Rigan's band's tape.2 (Begins digging in her book bag)

Jane: How was it?

Daria: I thought it was OK, but then, how would I know?  I thought Mystik Spiral would disband. (Hands it to Jane)  Here.  Listen and tell me Sunday.

Jane: Okay. (Taking the Tape) I hope you didn't have anything scheduled for tonight with Tom, 'cause it's a way's to go to First Impression.

Daria: Nope, he's going to see his great aunt in Galveston.  What about you and Isaac?

Jane: Isaac has a long shift today.

Daria: I've never heard of First Impression.  What do you think it could be?

Jane: Sounds like they teach modeling, or possibly cold calling.

Ben: (Off Screen) And what might the significance of the sudden entry of Cuculcán into Mayan myths in the Tenth Century, say... Daria?

Daria: Sounds like wonderful fodder for a short story, now doesn't it? (Faces forward) Cuculcán is the Yucatec pronunciation for a Mayan compound word meaning "feathered serpent," and is the literal translation of Quetzalcoatl, the Nahuatl name for a creation deity revered throughout the Valley of Mexico and surrounding environs.  Quetzalcoatl was associated with a deposed Toltec ruler named Topolizin, who was exiled by the priesthood of Tetzcalipoca.  The connection is the fusion of Toltec and Yucatec Maya architecture and religious motifs at Chichen Itza.  'Course the Chacmool altars there would seem to indicate that he wasn't about to give up human sacrifice.

Pan over to a smiling Ben.

Ben: Indeed.  A good thing neither he nor his supporters ever managed to return to the Valley of Mexico before the ruination of Toltec Culture.

Commercial Break.  Stinger: Upchuck huddled in his cell.

Scene:  Long establishing steady shot of a bus driving down a two lane road.  Cut to an interior shot.  Daria, Jane and Jodie are in a seat, talking to one another.  Music: Go Your Own Way, by Fleetwood Mac.

Daria: And so he says, "Elves just left the building!"

Jane and Jodie laugh.

Jane: (Turning to Jodie) So how are you and Mack doing?

Jodie: Could be worse.  With Kevin on academic probation,3 though, he's having to pick up the slack with regard to play planning.  Aargh!

Daria: Come on.  Mack isn't Kevin.

Jodie: Yeah, but between football, the hockey season coming up, and his dad sending him up to a new college every weekend, we hardly ever see each other anymore.  Not to mention me on the academic team, the Lawndale Lowdown staff and Student Government.

Daria: Hey, if he's still in the cafeteria at lunch, then you still see him three times a week more often than I see Tom.

Jodie: (Blushing) Sorry.  Sadly, I'm no longer sure I should have made Upchuck come clean.4  He was Student Government Secretary.  Until a fill in election happens next semester, I'll have to do that, too. (Beat) Damn minutes.

Jane: You look like you could use a break.  Ever thought of running away?

Jodie: Constantly.

Daria: Well, if it's any consolation, Upchuck is probably in worse shape than you.

Cut to:

Scene: Outside.  A group of teenagers are lined up six by six and standing at attention.  In the third row is Upchuck, scared out of his gourd.  Cut to Mr. Buzzcut, (From Beavis and Butt-Head) who is wearing a gray USMC sweatshirt and his trademark "chewing nails" expression..

Buzzcut: Quiet!  Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life.  Each day will bring new pain and suffering!  I took this job last year for the peace and relaxation.  From now on it will be you punks who will experience the true brutality and torture of a proper military drill.

Cut to Upchuck

Upchuck: (Thought Voice Over) Not again! What's he scheduled this time?

Cut to Buzzcut.

Buzzcut: Today I've re-arranged the obstacle course.  As you see here, there is a new hill and a greased rope, along with new incentives for the monkey bars.  We're going to whip you juvenile delinquents into shape if it kills you.

Cut to Upchuck, looking really worried, who swallows.

Cut to:

Scene:  The bus, interior.  Mr. Breeck is behind the bus driver, (who looks like Nintendo's Mario) reading Prophecy: Child of Earth by Elizabeth Haydon.  Sound like a gunshot.  Motor stops.

Ben: (Putting down the book). Hey, what happened?

Driver: We had a tire blow out.

Ben:  Is there any spare?

Driver: You kidding? Three of these babies came out of my salary.  I can't afford no stinking spare. We're gonna have to call AAA.

Ben: (Under his breath) Beep you, Angela Li, and the boat you came in on.

Cut to Daria, Jane, and Jodie.

Daria: Oh well, so much for our spotless record.

Jane: Remember the last time we were stuck out in the woods, Daria?

Daria: Yeah, all the paintballs, chiggers, and fish tales we could stand.5  More, in fact than I could.

Jodie: And I was hoping to catch that late show at Moviemultiplex of How the Grinch Stole Christmas with Mack.

Daria: Well, I guess that late call to Tom is out.

Jane: It wasn't a scheduled event was it?

Daria: No, just a tradition. (Beat) Sort of like bad movie nights.

Jane: Box Office Video is really busy today.  (Beat) So I can't just borrow a cell phone to call Isaac.

Jodie: Darn.

Cut to:

Scene.  Juvenile facility.  People are running the obstacle course.  Suddenly one of the boys falls and begins roaring with pain. Mr. Buzzcut runs over to him.  Cut to Upchuck, who has stopped and is looking at a long pipe, metal at one end and heavy rubber at the other.

Upchuck (Smiling evilly, Thought Voice Over) Now's my chance to blow this joint.

Upchuck picks up the pipe by the rubber end and runs over to the wall (Looking like an Olympic pole vault contestant).  (Scene shows in slow motion to Vangelis' theme to Chariots of Fire.)  Upchuck plants the pole and sails over the fence and its razor wire on either side and above it.  As he clears the shot, we hear a rip, (as in ripping textiles) and the music stops.

Cut to: a 1992 Cadillac Allanté with its top torn.  Upchuck pokes his head out of the hole, breathing heavily.

Upchuck: (Thought Voice Over) Now, which way to Crewe Neck?

Upchuck scrambles out of the convertible. (Beep Beep)  Upchuck looks off screen.  Cut to a woman on a 1993 Suzuki Bandit 1200 with a long two seat saddle, who looks like a wrestler or female bodybuilder.  She has a leering grin and is wiggling her finger invitingly.  Cut to an obviously smitten Upchuck.

Upchuck: Wowsers!

Cut to:

Scene: Split screen between Quinn's room and David's Dorm Kitchen.  Quinn and David are talking on the phone.

Quinn: Well, I've just sent in an essay to Waif for their competition.

David: I hope that it isn't a sign of relapse.

Quinn: Don't worry.  It had nothing to do with fashion.  Mr. O'Neill said they were offering a $5,000 scholarship to the winner.  It was a comparison between Ira Einhorn and Timothy McVeigh and how the exposure of their respective flaws supposedly pointed out the problems with the left and right, respectively, but really didn't, or at least not quite.

David: That's amazing.  If you don't win, I'll personally investigate the contest and report the fix to Sick, Sad World.

Quinn: (Blushing) Aw Shucks... You didn't have to say that.

David: How'd you research it?

Quinn: Daria leant me her library and her password at Skeptics.net for sources.  I almost, but not quite understand her fascination with that place.

David: I'll have to look into it. And speaking of fashion, this girl came up to me about a half hour ago.  She showed me a picture of you with some football player.  I think you must be capable of cloning yourself, because while we were making out at the movie theater, you were cheating on me with that player at Pizza King.  And it looked like you were in something your mother dressed up in in college.

Quinn: What did she look like?  Was she Oriental with a sea green dress and a purse on her shoulder, or did she have brown hair and a tank top?

David: The second, and she had a voice like Gilbert Godfried and Taylor Dane's love child, (Switching to an imitation of Sandi's Voice) with, like, a regular Valley Girl accent.

Quinn: (Giggling) You just met the president of the Fashion Club.

David: (Grimacing) Really? I can take being collateral damage in a personal feud, but now Sandi has personally insulted my intelligence.

Quinn: So you'll support me?

David: As long as you give me plausible deniability.

Quinn: Thank you, David.  So, what is your family doing for Thanksgiving?

David: Well, Quinn, my parents don't live around here, and it'll be at least a ten hour drive to get to their house, not counting bathroom and gas breaks.  Are you sure you want to come?  Couldn't we meet your folks at your house?

Quinn: Believe me, you don't want to try Dad's Wild Turkey Surprise.  The surprise is that it is at all identifiable as turkey.  And the knowledge that I'm dating you before July of next year would be enough to drive him back into heart attack country.

David: I see.  Well, I'll pick you up from school, next Wednesday.  (Beat, jokingly)  But if any cops pull us over, you were just a hitchhiker.

Quinn: Don't worry.  Stacy's covering for us.  They are having a big family get together in Corpus Christi, and I've been invited.  Mom's already said yes.

David: If you say so.  See you Wednesday, then.

Quinn: Sure.  Bye Bye. (Hangs Up)

End Split Screen.  Phone Rings.

Quinn: (Picking up phone) Hello? (Beat) Oh, it's you.  (Beat) None of your business. Now what's this about? (Beat) You're where? With whom? (Beat) Sorry.  Mom's working late.  I think this is the second to last case before the final decision to make her a partner, and Dad's entertaining a client at Chez Pierre. (Beat) Can't you just call your folks? (Beat, Sigh) I see.  I'll see what I can do. (Hangs up.  Goes over to her make up desk, opens up a drawer and pulls out a phone book.) (Thought Voice Over) Good to keep this handy. (Opens it up, flips a few pages, then picks up the phone to do some dialing.) (Out loud) Danny?

Split screen to put Danny Moreno on screen with a circular dial type phone.

Danny: Yeah?

Quinn: Is your brother around?

Danny: Sure.

Quinn: Listen, you want to get on my good side?  Well this will really help. Don't worry there's some cash in it, too...

Cut to:

Scene: The Bus, Exterior establishing shot, cut to an interior shot of Ben and the Bus Driver.  The Bus Driver is talking on the CB.

Driver: What the beep is going on?  It's been over an hour!  Either get a tow truck over here pronto or get some new tires.  Lawndale Independent Number 89 out.  (Puts the receiver back on the hook)

Ben: I just hope Claire understands.

Distant sound of Police Sirens.

Driver: Finally.

Pan out a window as the Doppler Effect raises the frequency of the sirens and patrol cruisers marked as belonging to the Texas Rangers and the Carter County Sheriff's Office zoom past, then lowers the frequency of them.

Driver: What the Beep?

Cut to Daria, Jane, and Jodie.

Jodie: What was that all about?

Daria: I suspect bootleggers have been spotted with ten crates of Tropicana Twister, and the proper authorities have been notified about it.

Jane: Think they will get into America's Scariest Police Videos?

Daria: More like When Party Animals Attack III.

Jodie: Daria, I'm serious.  Somebody might really be hurt.

Cut to:

Scene: A small plank house next to a sandy driveway.  Parked at the side is the Suzuki Bandit.

Upchuck: (Off Screen) Please, stop it!

Woman's voice: (Sounds like the wrestler Chyna) Well, you weren't complaining before.

Upchuck: That's before you stared giving me this rub burn.

Woman: Shut up, or I'll give you a very amateur circumcision.

Sound of a car driving up.  Pan to the Tank driving up, with Jesse driving and Danny riding shotgun.  Maintain the shot as they reach the house.

Jesse: Are you sure this is were she told you to go?

Danny: Positive.

Jesse: Honks the horn.

Commercial Break.  Stinger: Upchuck pole vaulting over the fence.


Voice Over: The next episode of The New Teacher Series is one which Daria-Tom shippers...

Scene: Daria and Tom are at a street corner.  Tom is ticking off points with his fingers.  Daria looks incredulous.

Tom: (Angry Tone) Daria, not only have you been going out behind my back, but with him?

Daria: Tom, what planet are you from?

Voice Over: ...Quinn-David shippers...

Split Screen between Quinn and David on the phone.

Quinn: David, I think I may have some very bad news.

Voice Over: ...And Ben-Ms. Defoe shippers everywhere are looking forward to with dread.

Scene: Ben's trailer.  A short blond woman has his arms around him, while he looks a little nervous.  Claire DeFoe opens the door, startling the woman hugging Ben.  DeFoe takes on a shocked, then angry look.

Ben: I know what it looks like, Claire, but it's not what it seems.

Claire slams the Door shut behind her.

End Commercial

Scene: The bus. Daria and Jane are outside, on a shoulder of the road.  Daria is writing, Jane is sketching.  Cut to the sun on the western horizon.  Cut back to Daria and Jane.

Daria:  Is it bigger than a cat box?

Jane: No.

Daria: It's bigger than a bread box and smaller than a cat box?

Jane: Yes.

Daria: Is it a recent item?

Jane: Define recent.

Daria: Was it made after 1989?

Jane: No.

Daria: Was it made after 1979?

Jane: Yes.

Daria: Did it use electricity? (Sound of an automobile engine)

Jane: Yes- Look! (Points.  Daria looks over to where Jane is pointing.  Pan over to a pickup truck pulling over to the side of the road with tires in its bed.  Cut over Daria and Jane.

Daria: (deadpan) We're saved.

Jane: (In a bad imitation of a charismatic preacher) Hallelujah, Praise the Lord!

Cut to:

Scene: The Tank, which is still parked out in front of the house.  Jesse and Danny are inside.

Danny: C'mon.  We haven't got all weekend.

Jesse: Yeah.  Didn't Daria's sister say she'd pay us anyway?  Whoa! What's that?

Pan to the house, where a frightened Upchuck is running out of the house dressed in what looks like a giant disposable baby diaper.  Maintain the shot as he runs up up to the Tank

Upchuck: (Pounding on the sliding door) Open up!  Please open up!

Door opens. Upchuck gets in.  Cut to the Tank, interior.

Jesse: Okay, here are the rules.  One: If you mess it up, you clean it up.  Two: Don't touch any of the instruments.  They're worth more than your life.  Three:  The bumper sticker out back, I mean every word of it.  Got it?

Upchuck nods.

Jesse: Good.  (he twists the keys and the Tank roars to life.)  Now sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.

Cut to exterior shot of the Tank pulling out.  Pan over to the Female Bodybuilder, wearing a Nurse's uniform.  She gets on her motorcycle and starts it.

Female Bodybuilder: (Thought Voice Over) You aren't getting away this easily.

She kicks up the stand and pulls out.

Cut to:

Scene:  Establishing shot of Morgendorffer residence, exterior.  Cut to the living room, where Jake is on the couch and Helen is pacing around.

Jake: It's all my fault.  If I hadn't told her about the money, none of this would have happened.7

Helen: Now Jake, calm down.  They're probably just in overtime. (Phone Rings, Helen Picks it up)  Hello? (Beat) Yes, this is she. (Beat)  Really? (Beat) I see. Thank you. (Hangs up)  That was Mr. Breeck, the Academic coach.  He's calling all the parents to let them know there was a slight delay and that they will be home in a half an hour.

Jake: (Visibly Relieved) Really?

Cut to:

Scene: The Bus.  All the students are back inside, and the driver is about to start it up again.  Cut to Daria, Jane, and Jodie.

Jodie: Well, I had a lot of fun, considering.  It was good mending fences, don't you think?

Daria: If you like it this much, maybe you could help Dad fix that monster chain link in our back yard.

Jane: I don't know about fences, but there's a gazebo out back of my house I promised I'd get fixed before Mom and Dad got back.8  What the..?

Pan out the window.  A police cruiser  rushes by at the opposite lane, and pulls sideways.  Cut to the Tank, though the windshield.  Jesse slams on the brakes.  The tank skids into the ditch. Upchuck (still in his previous outfit) bursts out of the doors and runs up to the cruiser.

Upchuck: Please! Take me in!  I promise I'll be a good boy! Please!

The officers suddenly have a startled look on their face.  They tackle Upchuck.  Cut to the Suzuki Bandit and its rider.  She grins wolfishly and pops a wheelie.  Cut to a slow motion shot of her jumping the cruiser and flipping over... but not a full flip.  Cut to Daria and Jane closing their eyes as the scene shakes and crash sound effects are heard.

Daria: (As she and Jane open their eyes) Now there's something you don't see everyday.

Jane: (giggles slightly)

Cut to:

TV screen showing Upchuck being interviewed by Sick, Sad World.  He and his interviewer are separated by a glass divider and are talking by the prison visiting phone.

Upchuck: And then I learned that she was the Drill Sgt... ahem P.E. Teacher's estranged daughter.

Screen cuts to an obviously female, but also obviously muscular body cast in a hospital room.

Sick, Sad World Announcer: Not only that, but she had jumped bail in Tennessee on forcible rape and indecent battery charges.  The victim, professional wrestler El Falco, has yet to fully recover from the prostate injury and priapism she allegedly caused.

Pan and zoom out to reveal Daria's room.  Then split screen between Daria and Tom on the phone.

Daria: They rescheduled the match sometime in February, so it wasn't a total loss.

Tom: What do you think will happen to poor Upchuck?

Daria: I don't know.  If he survives his ordeal at the facility, he may become a decent human being, but I wouldn't hold my breath.  So, how is Thanksgiving in Galveston?

Tom: The usual.  This year we had barbecued emu.  For Christmas it'll be fresh Indian Megapod A.K.A. Christmas Island Turkey, and next Easter I and Elise, along with a few cousins, will be hunting ostrich Easter eggs.

Daria: (Deadpan) Like wow.  I just retired from a meal of turkey jerky, kosher gravy, manna, and salad greens with Mom's special dressing that I think she got from Good Housekeeping, then we've been watching Squanto, The Rabbi, Heaven's Gate and Fiddler on the Roof.  If I hear another bad polka with Yiddish lyrics in it, I swear I'll go into a berserk rage.   Quinn's visiting Stacy, or so she says.

Tom: Will you be at the Zen, Next Friday?

Daria: Barring unforeseen circumstances.

Tom: I'll see you then.

Roll Credits.  Music: Riot in Cell Block Number Nine, the Grateful Dead version.


Ben in a zebra stripe convict costume, complete with drag ball

Mr. DeMartino as The Sheriff of Nottingham

Daria as the Timecop.

Jane as The Bowler from Mystery Men

Quinn as Harley Quinn, from Batman

Mr. Buzzcut as Jack Deth from Trancers

The Bodybuilder as Red Claw from Batman

Jesse as George Jung9

Upchuck as Stanley Tweedle from Lexx

Tom as Shaggy From Scooby Doo

Daria Logo.


1. This is a reference to events in TNTS 1:06, Courtroom Trauma.

2. From TNTS 1:08 Zenned Out.

3.  See TNTS 1:05 Homecomming Dunce

4. Once again, from Courtroom Trauma.

5. From The Daria Hunter.

6. Danny got on her bad side in TNTS 1:07 Open Season.

7. A reference to a major storyline that began in TNTS 1:03 Pedantic Team.

8.. I realise that the specific events of Art Burn didn't happen in this continuum, but that doesn't mean the gazebo would have been in much better shape.

9. George Jung smuggled cocaine into the U.S. during the Seventies.  He is the autobiographical subject of the book and movie Blow.