Some of the events and persons mentioned in this fanfic did happen and do exist, but have been somewhat fictionalized.  I
myself have diverged from the alternate self shown here sometime in 1996.  To those of you who may be offended, remember:  this is a cartoon.  This is not and could never be real.

Permission is granted to repost, republish, or retransmit this work in any way, shape, or form as long as these disclaimers
remain intact, and no one except Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis, MTV Studios, or Viacom, the parent of MTV receive financial
remuneration.

Historians' Note: This story and its sequels take place in lieu of the prospective Season Five.

Splendora's You're Standing On My Neck has been replaced by Man on the Moon by REM, and the following montage
plays:

Mr. Ben Breeck looks resigned.  Pan over to his students, who include Daria, Jane, Kevin, Brittany, Upchuck, and most of the rest of the gang in Daria's class.

Ben is in Principal Li's office, with narrowed eyes, and regards Li, who is yakking in grandiose terms, with a look of tired incredulity.

Pizza King.  Ben is grading papers while hoisting a slice with pepperoni, bacon, onions, anchovies, and sun dried tomatoes.  Pan to Daria, Jane, and Tom's booth.  Daria is suspicious, Jane is startled, and Tom's face is neutral.

A dance. Ben approaches Claire DeFoe and says something.  She blushes and takes his hand.  Pan to Upchuck with a camera snapping a picture.

The classroom again.  Mr. Breeck pulls a sleeping Kevin's face up by his hair, removes some googly-eyed Groucho glasses from his face, folds them, then drops Kevin's face back on his desk.  Pan to Daria, Jane, and Jodie's approving glances.

The Zen.  Mystik Spiral is thrashing on stage, and Trent is singing like his life depends on it.  Pan to the audience where one of the patrons is Ben, who's looking rather unimpressed.

Daria is at a street corner with Tom, who is speaking.  He stops talking, his tongue cleaving to the roof of his mouth.  At the exact same instant, she acquires a cold, angry look, says something between clinched teeth, and stalks out of the shot.

The Zen.  Ben is up on stage and apparently doing a monologue.  Pan to the audience, which includes Daria, Jane, and Mystik Spiral.  Everybody is laughing except Daria.

Close-up of Daria Smirking, which acquires an oval around it.  Zoom into the Daria Logo.  Super: Daria in:

Scene: Dega Street.  Daria and Jane are walking along.

Daria: So, Rigan's band is playing tonight after Mystik Spiral.  Tom had better be over her or else.

Jane: Why is isn't he chauffeuring you in his Grenada tonight?

Daria: Right now, he's studying in his room until 8:00.  Finals aren't for another three weeks, but the one in Philosophy is supposed to be a doozy.

Jane: Really?

Daria: So he said, and I have no real reason to doubt him on it.

Jane: I see.  Quinn came by last Saturday.

Daria: Really, What did she want?

Jane: She wanted an urgent talk with me about who had been playing jokes in her over last week.1

Daria: Really, now?

Jane: Yeah, I directed her to Jesse's house. Turns out it was Danny that was the merry prankster.  He seemed to be hired help.

Daria: So that's why she's been up half the night, doodling Sandi in various bondage apparatus.

Jane: Well, I wouldn't know about that (Sound of a horn honking.  Jane turns her head.) Isaac!  And right on time.

Pan to Isaac in his 1983 Renault Alliance.

Isaac: I swapped my timeslot, so I won't be at your house for Thanksgiving.

Cut back to Daria and Jane.

Jane: That's okay, Mom and Dad are in Australia, renewing their marriage vows yet again and exploring the Bungle-Bungles.2

Daria: (Mona Lisa Smile) Sounds rather appropriate considering your siblings, doesn't it?

Jane: I don't know, none of them came out of the oven quite as bad as Quinn, now did they? (Pointing) Hey, isn't that Mr. Breeck, over there?

Pan over to Ben who is reading a posted bulletin in the window.

Ben: (Thought Voice Over) Mystik Spiral. Hmm, Sounds like they do covers from later Beatles and Steve Miller Band albums. Maybe I should come in just for the laughs. I've got nothing else to do right now.  (Walks over to the front door.)  So, what's the cover charge at a joint like this?

Guy at the box office: A joint like this will normally set you back, maybe $10.50, but this particular place will only ask for three bucks.

Ben: I see.  (Hands the guy at the box office a five dollar bill) Keep the change.

Guy at the box office: No problem.

Pan back to Daria, Jane, and Isaac.

Jane: If I know Trent, he's just gotten to Jesse's about now.  Mystik Spiral's gonna be late for their set, again.

Daria: So what else is new?

Jane: Well, their album just showed up at Sound By The Pound.  And they've been going back to the studio.

Daria: What?  Gaffs on the album?  Do they have to cut a new one?

Jane: No, worse than that: singles.

Daria: Really?

Jane: Apparently, Trash Weasel is betting the farm that Mystik Spiral will be the biggest thing since Nirvana.

Daria: What are they smoking?  Maybe I could send some of it to Ms. Li to foreshorten her life a little.

Isaac: Wow, she's that bad?

Daria: She is.  After we get seated, I can fill you in on the terrible details.

Cut to a different parking place.  Quinn and David are getting out of David's Chevy Celebrity.

Quinn: Trying to ruin my reputation is one thing, but with those stunts she made that Danny do were the last straw.

David: Quinn, I realize Sandi needs to be taught a lesson, but now is not the time.

Quinn: You're right, David. (They have reached the front door of the Zen, where she reads a sign) David, I can't go in this place.  See up there? I'm too young.

David: Don't worry. They won't card you unless you do something like try to smoke or buy (or drink) booze.

Quinn: Oh, Okay.

Cut to:
 

Scene: The Zen, Interior.  Cut to Daria, Jane, and Isaac's table.  Daria looks bored out of her skull.  Pan up on stage, where a no name band that looks like The Outfield3 is mangling Depeche Mode's New Life horribly. (Not that that would be terribly hard to do, or for that matter that it was all that good in the first place.) Cut back to Daria, Isaac, and Jane.

Daria: So the ship ran aground on a sand bar and broke in two.  Seems they were holding the old scow together with a little help from special agent James Bondo.4

Isaac: Wow, man.  I've heard many strange stories about deranged school officials, but this takes the cake.

Daria: The best part was that Quinn's mystery date really did get delayed.  I bet he had a whole lot of explaining to do when Quinn saw him the arms of someone else.

Jane: When do you think this band will wrap it up.  I mean I can stand only so much early Depeche Mode, Air Supply, or Men Without Hats without gagging.

Daria consults a watch, and consults it, and consults it, and consults it.

Daria: Uh, folks, Mystik Spiral should be here by now.

Isaac: I'll go and see if they're outside, unloading. (Gets up and exits the shot)

Cut to:
 

Scene: The Zen, out in front.  Isaac looks both sides of the street, then his jaw drops.  Cut to column of protesters carrying picket signs and chanting slogans.  At the head of the line caring a bullhorn is a guy who looks remarkably like Timothy O'Neill, if Timothy O'Neill wore black clothes and sported a cleric's collar.  Pan back to Isaac.

Isaac: Holy Beep!

Pan over to The Tank, where Mystik Spiral is watching as well.

Jesse: Uh, Trent, Does this mean the gig is canceled?

Commercial Break. Stinger: Ben reading the flyer.
 
 

Scene: The Zen, Daria and Jane are at the table.

Daria: So he says to the guy, "No, chuck your coat at the door."

Jane Laughs.

Isaac: (Voice over, off screen) Guys, you'll never believe this.

Pan to Isaac as he runs over to the table.  Maintain the shot as he reaches the table.

Daria: What is it?  Sick Sad World out front because Mystik Spiral just got discovered?

Isaac: No, there's this priest or minister out front with a group of people protesting this place.  They want to shut it down.

Daria: Really?  This wreched pit of scum and villainy?

Jane: Yeah.  There are much more worthwhile places to picket.  Like Lawndale After Dark5, Pizza Forest, or Cashmans.

Daria: The closest thing this place has gotten to being dirty was when Gallagher came here with his act, watermelons and all. (Beat) and that was way before my time.

Jane: (To Daria) Who told you about that, Daria?

Daria: Tom.  He wasn't there when it happened, but he read about it the next day in the Lawndale Sun-Herald.

Jane: So, who want's to go outside to see what this is really all about?

They get up, and exit the shot.  Pan to Ben who was looking at them thoughtfully.  He gets up and exits the shot, too.

Cut to:
 

Scene: The Zen, exterior.  The Cleric is still out there, as is the crowd.  Pan over to Mystik Spiral standing next to the Tank.  Pan over to Tom slamming the door shut to his Grenada, and acquiring a peeved expression.  Pan back to the Cleric and Crowd.

Cleric: (Through Bull Horn) What is this place?

Crowd: (in chorus) A Den of Iniquity!

Cleric: Should it stay up?

Crowd: Hell, No!

Pan over to Daria, Jane, and Isaac.

Daria: Oh well, at this rate, we'll never get to hear Rigan's band.

Jane: Look at the bright side.  They could be trying to firebombing the place.

Daria: Yeah, but then they could be charged with practicing demolition without a state license or a city permit.

Jane: The trial could last for days, hours, or even seconds.

Isaac: C'mon now.  Don't you think that this situation could be resolved peaceably?

Daria: I think that one of that guy's New Year's resolutions was "Peace on Earth and Goodwill Toward Men," but I can't be too sure.  I don't go to church, after all. (Beat) Though some Saturdays Dad drives me and Quinn to Temple in Houston.

Tom: (Off Screen) Daria!  There you are.

Pan over to Tom.  Maintain the shot as he walks over to Daria, Jane, and Isaac.

Daria: Hello, Tom.  How was the studying?

Tom: It was Okay,  I missed you, though.

Daria: I'm the one with the glasses and auburn hair.  How could you miss me?

Isaac: (Pointing) I hate to interrupt the greetings, but isn't that your history teacher over there?

Pan over to the Cleric and Ben, who are having a discussion.

Ben: Father Quigley, I presume.  And what is this ruckus about?

Quigley:  This place is filled with the noise of the Devil!  I had a parishioner leave a tape recorder in that place on record.  When he collected it the next day, he took it to the rectory, where we played the tape backwards.

Ben: Let me guess.  It gave glory to Satan, and hosanna to his servants.

Quigley: Indeed.  Of course it used his Hebrew name, Helel.6

Ben: Did you by any chance take your lithium?  I hope the bishop knows about all this.

Quigley: He does.

Ben: I see.  Well, I'll be seeing you as I do my corporal works of mercy in a few days. (Exits Shot)

Quigley: Wait, Ben, don't you want to participate?

Cut to Daria, Jane, Isaac, and Tom.

Daria: Well, I think I've just learned something about Mr. Breeck I never wanted to know.

Jane: At least it explains his admiration of Julian the Apostate.7

Isaac: (Turning his head) Daria, isn't that your sister?

Pan over to the door.  Quinn and David are holding hands.

Quinn: (looking depressed, frowning) I'm still bummed by Sandi. She ruined one of my favorite outfits.

David: Don't worry about it.  Cheer up.  We now know she actually does were a padded bra.

Quinn: (suddenly smiling) Indeed we do. (Turns her head) Daria, why did you come here?

Cut to Daria and Tom.

Daria: Originally, it was to pretend to be entertained by the band Jane's brother fronts.  Now it is to pretend to watch and be entertained by this Catholic priest crusading against bad grunge rock.

Tom: It could be worse.  They could be protesting the fact that it was Friday evening, and there wasn't anything else to do.

Daria: That's the Tom I love. Besides, your catch seems to be just a little bit older than mine.

Cut to Quinn and David.

Quinn: It's a long story, and only with his permission.

David: Besides, you're only a year and a half older than Quinn yourself.  I think your mom would look just as askance at you being here.

Cut to Daria, Tom, Jane, and Isaac.

Daria: You got me there. (Beat) Look, something is happening. (Points)

Pan to where she is pointing.  Father Quigley is talking with the guy in charge of the Zen.

Guy in Charge of the Zen: What's going on around here?

Quigley: Did you know that the music you play is that of the very Devil himself?

Guy in Charge: (Consulting a piece of paper) Let's see here.  Buck Satan covers? No. Black Sabbath? No. Judas Priest? No.  Antichrist?7 No.  (Looks Up) Sorry, no Devil music in this place.  You might try McGundy's.  It's just around the bend.

Quigley: But Backwards it gives glory to Satan, I tell you.

Guy in Charge: What are you smoking, dude?  I want some for myself.

Quigley: (Smiling) God will remember that.

Guy in Charge: Whatever. (Exits the Shot)

New Voice: (Off Screen) Sir, you don't have a parade license.

Quigley turns around.  Cut to a Police officer in uniform,  Cut back to Quigley.

Quigley: I don't need a parade license.  I am not celebrating.  (Beat) Besides, that high school doesn't need a parade license to go down main street on a semiannual basis for homecoming.

Cut to Police Officer.

Officer: You aren't a public school.  We don't even let the Christmas parade people go through without one.  Now disperse or show me a permit.

Cut to Quigley

Quigley: No.

Officer: Sorry, but I have to do this.  (Walks into the shot with Quigley, and handcuffs him.) You are under arrest.  You Have the right to remain silent. If you give ut the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law...

Quigley: (Interrupting) Havoc!

Cut to a wide shot of the crowd, which gets extremely unruly.  (Think St. Andrew's Day at Murray State, or similar college holidays at their respective institutes of higher education.)  Cut to individual shots of windows being smashed and antennae forcibly removed from automobiles (But not including Isaac's Renault Alliance, David's Chevy Celebrity, or Tom's Ford Grenada), and people in the crowd committing other such foolishness.

Cut to Daria, Tom, Jane, and Isaac.

Isaac: Oh wow, man!  Was that what that homecoming was like?

Daria: Welcome to Lawndale.  I.Q. limits strictly enforced.8

Tom: We had better get inside.

Jane: Uh, Tom, is your head missing? The last place you go in a thunderstorm is into the forest.

Daria: Speaking of missing, where did Quinn and her beau go?

They all begin looking around, Daria and Jane with worried looks on her face.

Commercial Break.  Stinger: Ben talking to Father Quigley.

Commercial:

Voice Over: On the next episode of The New Teacher Series, we finally learn what happened to dear Charles Ruttheimer III.

Scene: A bunk bed.  Upchuck is weeping like a baby and gibbering incoherently.  (A cross between the wild-eyed ramblings of Ren in In The Army and the incomprehensible drivel of Beavis as Cornholio.)

Voice Over: Every stinking detail.

Scene: Mr. Buzzcut (From Beavis and Butthead) is standing behind a bench outside, in Drill Instructor garb with his trademark "Chewing Nails" facial expression.

Buzzcut: We're gonna whip you juvenile delinquents into shape if it kills you.

Voice Over: All this and More, Next Week!

End Commercial
 

Scene:  Night on Dega Street.  The stretch between Main and Broadway has been isolated from the rest of Lawndale by Police barricades.  Overhead,  Black and White helicopters with the logo of the Carter County Sheriff's Office thunder overhead, with spotlights pouring down and uniformed deputies with bullhorns at their mouths.  Pan back down to the ground, which is a scene of utter bedlam.  Imagine a cross between the L.A. riots and the lynch mob you see at the castle of every bad medieval vampire movie.  Pan to where Daria, Tom, Isaac, and Jane are fending their way through the crowd, looking for Quinn and David.

Daria: We need to find her soon.

Jane: Might you start to be experiencing sisterly bonding, Daria.

Daria: If Quinn is a casualty of this comedy of errors, Mom'l blame me.

Jane: I don't see how, unless you admit you went to an adult night spot underage.

Daria: Right now, I'll let that slide.  (Sounding Urgent)  Where is she?!?

Cut to:
 

Scene: An old downtown movie theater, Interior.  Quinn is sitting on David's lap, in the front row. (For the record, there is no show.  The place is boarded up.)

Quinn: How'd you know to duck in here?

David: This place also doubles as the Knights of Columbus meeting hall, on occasion.

Quinn: Oh really? I never knew that.  So, when do you think this will die down?

David: Looked like they had the tear gas ready just before we got in here.  Should be soon.

Quinn: So, what should we be doing until then?

David: I don't know.

Quinn kisses David.  David tries to push her away, then joins the kiss.

Cut to:
 

Scene: Group of police, their uniforms saying Houston PD SWAT are loading muzzleloading grenade launchers.  Pan to Daria, Tom, Isaac, and Jane, who see this development with worry.

Daria: Let's get inside.

Jane: I thought you wanted to find Quinn.

Daria: I don't want to wake up in jail and have to have Mom bail me out.  I've already had that happen to me once in my high school career.

Tom: Then let's move it. Time's a wasting.

Cut to the SWAT Team firing its weapons, cut to fog and people coughing, and falling to the ground.  Cut to:
 

Scene: The Zen, Interior Daria, Jane, Tom, and Isaac file past the payphone, where Ben is talking on it.

Ben: The worst thing is that the Jeep is in the shop until Tuesday.  Yeah, Claire9, transmission lube. (Sigh) I hate that thing.  Maybe I should take it over to Auto Auction. (Beat) What the.. They've just fired some sort of smoke bomb into the crowd.  They're on their hands and knees retching.  I wish I could take a picture of it.  (Beat) Love you to.  Good Bye. (Hangs Up, Shrugs) Oh well.

Cut to:
 

Scene: The Tank, interior.  Mystik Spiral is decked out in skin diving masks and its membership is breathing through wet rags.

Nick: I think things have died down.

Trent: That's cool.

They take off their protective gear.

Jesee: Think we should unload for the gig?

Max: Why not?

Cut to:
 

Scene: The Zen. Daria, Jane, Tom, and Isaac are at their table.

Daria: I'm not sure about you, but I'm thinking of turning in and letting the chips fall where they may.

Jane: What, and not finally see and hear Rigan in concert?

Isaac: (Yawning) That's Okay.  I've got a long day ahead of me.

Tom: (Pointing)  Hey, Look!

Pan up on Stage, where Mystik Spiral is tuning up.  They stop.

Trent: Good Evening, and Welcome to the Zen.  We're Mystik Spiral, but we're thinking of changing the name.  I'm Trent Lane, that's Jesse Moreno on Base Guitar, Nick Campbell is at Rhythm Guitar, and Max Tyler -no relationship to Steven that we can see- is behind the drums.  This first song we'd like to play is off our self titled debut album.  Go get it at Sound by the Pound or Backstreet Music so that it debuts at Number 1 on the charts, it's on the Trash Weasel Label.  Hit it.

Begin guitar solo by Nick.  Jesse and Trent join in, followed last by Max.

Trent: If you want a good time, they make you play the game/ Don't matter wherever you go, the rules are all the same

Jesse and Max: (In Chorus) Devil's Poker!

Trent: They want you now but just by their rules/ And nay sayers they all are wussies and fools

Jesse and Max: (In Chorus) Devil's Poker!

All: Devil's Poker, Deal Me In,/ Devil's Poker, Hit Me Again/ Devil's Poker, Raise Me By Nine/ Devil's Poker, Leave Me Without a Dime

Trent: He's dealing a deck of nothin' but jokers, cause we're playing Devil's Poker!

Small Riff, then begin the next verse.  Pan over to an unimpressed Ben.

Ben: (Thought Voice Over) I endured all these ordeals tonight just to listen to this? Sheesh!

Pan over to Daria, Jane, Tom, and Isaac.

Daria: (Mona Lisa Smile) Gee.  Looks like there's some Devil music on tonight after all.

The rest in the scene laugh heartily.

Jane: Talk about a Din of Iniquity!

Cut to:
 

Scene: A Jail Cell.  Father Quigley is sitting on his cot.  His eyes widen. Pan outside the cell, where a man with gray hair, sideburns, and a Bishop's vestments is looking into the cell.  Pan again to put both people in the shot.

Quigley: Bishop, is it really you?  Are you here to hear my side of the story.  The church really sanctions this? (Sweeps his hands around.)

Bishop: Yes, it sanctions your incarceration.  Thanks to you, I'll have to celebrate mass in this abomination of a suburb while I try to find a suitable replacement in the diocese, and try to repair the reputation of this parish.  I'm not here to hear your boasting, but your confession.

Quigley: But I did no wrong.

Bishop: Twenty people landed in the hospital and you say you did no wrong?

Quigley: But I was only living up to my namesake.

Bishop: But you aren't named Guy, Paul, and you aren't named Lope10 either.  What were you thinking of?

Quigley: I was thinking of all those sermons about striking a blow against the Evil One.

Bishop: Is that what this is about?  You were to feed the poor, speak out against the disenfranchisement of others, protest against the School of the Americas, not attempt to shut down music bars by force.  It wasn't even an abortion clinic.

Quigley: I see.  You really see it that way?

Bishop: Paul, you are a disgrace to your order, a disgrace to this diocese, and a disgrace to the cloth itself.  And until you shed your pride, you are of no use to the church and of little use to God.  Good bye, Paul.

Maintain the camera as he walks toward the door out of the jail.

Bishop: (Thought Voice Over) Why didn't my nephew Timmy finish Seminary?  Please God, Why?

Cut to:
 

The Zen: Daria and Tom are leaving.  Daria opens the door, and gasps.  Pan over Rigan and her band.  Rigan is dressed like a punk, another girl is dressed like a Goth (A thanophile, sadly, not the real thing,) the next is garbed like an Amish woman, and the last like an ancient Minoan priestess.

Rigan: Well, here we are. Traffic was murder...Hey, this street looks like a warzone.  What gives?

Daria: It was.  (Beat) Here (Hands Rigan a Tape recorder) Please just send me a tape of the performance.  Send it to 1111 Glenn Oaks Lane.

Rigan: Uh.. Ok.

Cut to:

Daria and Tom walking to Tom's car.

Daria: Well, good riddance.

Tom: I hope he doesn't come back... (Points) Hey Daria, I think we can write off Quinn.

Daria looks where Tom's pointing.  Pan to Quinn and David walking to David's Chevy Celebrity, Quinn looking like she's spitting out canary feathers.

Roll Credits.  Music: Psalm 69 by Ministry.

Makeovers:

Daria as the Morrigan, a one crow on her helmet, annother on her shield, and a third on her shoulder

Quinn as Mictalanhuitli, holding a Chihuahua11

Tom as the Buddha, sitting, smiling, and giving the "Peace Sign"

Isaac as Tlaloc,  Staring upward gargling something while playing the bongo drum12

Ben as Thor, in the rushing pose depiced by Marvel Comics

Jane as Persipone with her Pomegranate

David as Hercules, wrestling with Ceberus

Rigan as an Angel, wielding a bastard sword in the overhead ward.

Father Quigley as Juan de Torquemada, with a torch in hand

Daria Logo.
 

Notes:

1. That happened in our last thrilling episode of The New Teacher Series, Open Season

2. This is a rock formation in Western Australia.  Learn about it on the Discovery Channel sometimes.

3. An Early 80's British hair band.  Their only big hit was I Just Want to Use Your Love Tonight.

4. This happened in the Daria episode Just Add Water.

5. Originally the Goth shop named by Austin Loomis in his prose adaption of Canadibrit's Trick or Trent, that's not necessarily the place I'm talking about.

6. Actually, this word literally means "Light Bearer" and was translated "Lucifer" by St. Jerome when he translated Isaiah.  It has since become a synonym for Satan.  It was originally meant to referr to a king of Babylon.

7. I am not making these band name's up.  I swear!

8. Straight from The Daria Diaries.

9. Ben has had a relationship with Claire DeFoe since TNTS Episode 1:05, Homecoming Dunce.

10. I am referring to Lope Vega, a member of the Spanish Inquisition known as "The Wrath of God" and Guy Fawks, of the English "Gunpowder Plot."

11. Mictalanhuitli is the Aztec goddess of death and the dead.

12. This is the pose most often recorded for Tlaloc, Aztec god of rain, who slavered as sacrifices were made in his name, bringing the rains down.