The Characters of Daria Morgendorffer, Quinn Morgendorffer, Jane Lane,
Trent Lane, Jesse Moreno, Nick Campbell, Max
Tyler, Kevin Thompson, Michael Jordan "Mack" MacKenzie, Brittany Taylor,
Jodie Landon, Angela Li, Anthony DeMartino,
and many more, even if not mentioned here, are the Creation of Glenn
Eichler and Susie Lewis and Copyright MTV Studios.
This story is in no way to be construed as a challenge to said copyright.
Some of the events and persons mentioned in this fanfic did happen and
do exist, but have been somewhat fictionalized. I
myself have diverged from the alternate self shown here sometime in
1996. To those of you who may be offended, remember:
this is a cartoon. This is not and could never be real.
Permission is granted to repost, republish, or retransmit this work
in any way, shape, or form as long as these disclaimers
remain intact, and no one except Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis, MTV Studios,
or Viacom, the parent of MTV receive financial
remuneration.
Historians' Note: This story and its sequels take place in lieu of the prospective Season Five.
Opening Sequence:
Splendora's You're Standing On My Neck has been replaced by Man
on the Moon by REM, and the following montage
plays:
Mr. Ben Breeck looks resigned. Pan over to his students, who include Daria, Jane, Kevin, Brittany, Upchuck, and most of the rest of the gang in Daria's class.
Ben is in Principal Li's office, with narrowed eyes, and regards Li, who is yakking in grandiose terms, with a look of tired incredulity.
Pizza King. Ben is grading papers while hoisting a slice with pepperoni, bacon, onions, anchovies, and sun dried tomatoes. Pan to Daria, Jane, and Tom's booth. Daria is suspicious, Jane is startled, and Tom's face is neutral.
A dance. Ben approaches Claire DeFoe and says something. She blushes and takes his hand. Pan to Upchuck with a camera snapping a picture.
The classroom again. Mr. Breeck pulls a sleeping Kevin's face up by his hair, removes some googly-eyed Groucho glasses from his face, folds them, then drops Kevin's face back on his desk. Pan to Daria, Jane, and Jodie's approving glances.
The Zen. Mystik Spiral is thrashing on stage, and Trent is singing like his life depends on it. Pan to the audience where one of the patrons is Ben, who's looking rather unimpressed.
Daria is at a street corner with Tom, who is speaking. He stops talking, his tongue cleaving to the roof of his mouth. At the exact same instant, she acquires a cold, angry look, says something between clinched teeth, and stalks out of the shot.
The Zen. Ben is up on stage and apparently doing a monologue. Pan to the audience, which includes Daria, Jane, and Mystik Spiral. Everybody is laughing except Daria.
Close-up of Daria Smirking, which acquires an oval around it. Zoom into the Daria Logo. Super: Daria in:
Open Season
A Piece of Daria Fan Fiction by Ben Breeck
Episode 1:07 of The New Teacher Series
Scene: Establishing Shot of Lawndale High. Cut to a class room. Pan to Mr. Breeck in front of the class.
Ben: I have looked over the test Mr. Makuchek gave you, and your grades as well. I have come to the following decision. If you got a B or and A, you can keep the grade, but anyone with a C, D, or F will get his or her respective mark dropped.1
Sound of "Yeaaaa" Coming from the students. Pan to Daria and Jane
Daria: Well, that's one less F Kevin has to worry about.
Jane: Good. I was borderline on that test. Nearly got a C.
Daria: Aren't you sorry you didn't answer that one question wrong.
Jane: A little. How are you and Tom doing?
Daria: I don't know. His cooperation saved my sanity, which means I ought to be utterly ooey-gooey about him, but strangely, I'm not. (Beat) And he seems increasingly distant at times.
Jane: I thought you two were talking again.
Daria: We are. But when he looks at me, it's as if...
Jane: He's lost in your eyes? In another world?
Daria: More like he's looking right past me. (Beat) Even when we make eye contact.
Jane: Really now? That never happened to us, I don't think.
Cut to Ben, who is lecturing:
Ben: The warriors of Germanic tribes didn't wear those absurd winged helmets you see in every production of a Wagner opera. If they did, then whenever an ax caught on one of the wings, it could wrench the the helmet and the wearer sufficiently sideways to break the idiot's neck. Instead what they wore when they wore one was a lighter helmet called a Spanghelm. It was basically a Greco-Roman design without the ridiculous crest and with better cheek guards and a nose guard, but such a restrained taste in armor is hardly what would sell to Hollywood or the general movie-going public. (Bell Rings) Class dismissed. And remember, the first Academic match this season is here in the library. All of you are invited to cheer us on.
Cut to Daria and Jane's startled looks.
Daria: Eep.
Cut to:
Scene: The Sidewalk. Daria and Jane are walking along.
Daria: I don't realise how it could be time so soon.
Jane: I don't know. Mr. O'Neill only told the team five times at each study session while Mr. Breeck was on trial.
Daria: Mr. O'Neill? Oh, that's right, I've been grounded.2
Jane: Aren't you glad you sneaked out to Homecoming?3
Daria: I certainly am.
Cut to:
Scene: Split Screen between Daria's Room and the Sloane Kitchen. Daria and Tom are talking on the phone.
Daria: Well, Friday is the first match of the season.
Tom: Good. I'm looking forward to it.
Daria: Anything to expect from Fielding Prep?
Tom: Well, if Jimmy is still there, you will have to deal with a guy who constantly buzzes in with the wrong answer.
Daria: This will be fun.
Tom: (Silence)
Daria: Tom?
Tom: (startled look) Oh, and by the way, my a former girlfriend of mine is one of their star players.
Daria: (suspicious look) How former?
Tom: We broke up way before Jane and I met, but we're still friends. She's a little high strung.
Daria: How high strung?
Tom: She makes Brittany Taylor seem like Tiffany Blum-Decker.
Daria: (Raises one eyebrow)
Cut to:
Scene: Split screen between Jane's room and Isaac's apartment.
Jane: Well, Mystik Spiral has just finished recording that big debut album. It's going to the presses, the zappers and the burners as we speak.4
Isaac: Cool. Did they use some of my songs?
Jane: Actually, no. They already had too many for the master. Trent did promise to use some in their next one.
Isaac: I see. That's cool.
Jane: I don't have very high hopes for them. Trash Weasel has an awfully well earned reputation for living up to its name.
Isaac: Don't worry. Huey Lewis and the News almost didn't make it because their first label went down the tubes.5 Their debut album bombed. And if Trash Weasel tries to hold them to too tight a leash, they can always pull a Tom Petty.6
Jane: (smiling evilly) Only if Daria's mom does the paperwork on a pro bono basis. (Beat) By the way, Friday after school is my first Academic Match. Want to come and watch? We're facing Tom's Alma Mater.
Isaac: I'd love to go, but my shift starts at 4:00 that day. Promise to tell me all about it on Saturday.
Jane: Okay.
Cut to:
Scene: Morgendorffer Residence, Exterior. David's Chevy Celebrity pulls over to the curb. Quinn gets out and closes the door.
Quinn: That was a wonderful date, David.
Car Drives out of the shot. Cut to the front door. Quinn grasps the doorknob, then gasps in shock. She then begins pulling on it and starts to pound the door with her purse.
Quinn: Daria! Daria!
Door opens with Quinn's hand still grasping the doorknob.
Daria: Damnit Quinn, Mom and Dad are asleep.
Quinn: Daria, why did you put superglue on the doorknob?
Daria: Quinn, that wasn't me. Here let me go into the kitchen so that I can get some stuff to get this gunk off. And keep it down, please.
Quinn: (Grimacing)
Commercial Break. Stinger: Daria and Jane in class with startled
faces.
Scene: Lawndale High, Classroom. Anthony DeMartino is Lecturing in front of the class.
DeMartino: RECENTLY, the KGB ARCHIVES have been OPENED up, revealing that MUCH of the FINDINGS of the HOUSE Un-American Activities COMMITTEE were in fact GENUINE. (Holds up a piece of paper to read) MANY of these TRAITORS who took RUSSIAN MONEY were PROMINENT American NAMES. For EXAMPLE, A transaction to Madaline MURRAY O'HAIR was AUTHORISED by one Colonel Gregor ZHIVAGO, PH D. Another, to Gregory PECK, was supervised by Alexandr MENDELEEV. A transaction to Martin Luther KING to a numbered account in GRENADA, was done by Grigori RASPUTIN... That's FUNNY, I thought HE died BEFORE the RUSSIAN REVOLUTION.7
Pan to Quinn, Stacy, Sandi, Tiffany, and Brooke.
Sandi: Gee, Quinn, you look awful tired. Did you burn the midnight oil with that David geek?
Tiffany: Yeah. Your mother aware that you date a college guy?
Quinn: (Yawning) Does your mother know you have a GPA of 1.4, Sandi?
Sandi: As if that really matters to the Fashion Club!
Tiffany: Right.
Sandi: Besides, Stacy here doesn't seem to be doing so well, right now.
Quinn: (to Stacy) So, Stacy, you did remember to get those ingredients for Home Ec class, didn't you?
Stacy: (Consulting a list) Eggs, Sugar, Flour, Yeast. Did I get that right?
Quinn: Perfect.
Cut to:
Scene: The Hallway. Daria and Jane are walking along.
Daria: Well, Tom says he'll be here. I only wish I knew why he's so distracted.
Jane: It's probably nothing. (Stops and points) Say, those were some of Tom's buddies. Think the posse's here?
Pan across the hallway. A group of students includes one medium kid, somewhat overweight, dirty blond, wears a goatee and a dirty yellow windbreaker. Another boy, somewhat shorter, rather fatter, rather lighter haired (Think Stewart from Beavis and Butthead meets Bobby Hill from King of the Hill) in a dress shirt and slacks. One Girl, Tall (5' 8") with shoulder length black hair, obviously a dye job, wearing an orange baby tee with a skull and crossbones and a shin length blue skirt with maroon trimmings.
Dirty blond haired kid: So, Jimmy, this is Lawndale High.
Jimmy: I don't think we've ever played this group, Justin.
Justin: This doesn't look good. From what I read, they were dead last in their district last year.
Girl: I hear they got a new coach.
Jimmy: Really Rigan? (Pronounced REE-gœn)
Rigan: (Spoken rapid fire, like a machinegun) Yeah. It's that guy who put the quarterback's dad in the hospital. The one who went on trial for attempted murder.8
Jimmy: (Giggles) I guess this means there won't be any funny business at the Referee's seat. (Points) Hey Jane. Is that you?
Pan back to Daria and Jane.
Jane: (Sighing) Yes, it's me, Jimmy.
Cut back to Jimmy.
Jimmy: I guess you must be Daria.
Cut back to Daria and Jane.
Daria: Whatever Tom told you, he probably lied through his teeth.
Cut to Jimmy, Justin, and Rigan.
Rigan: (Narrows her eyes, still talking like a machine gun) You mean you aren't an inteligent, insightful young woman who always told her side of the story and couldn't be intimidated by anyone? I think Tom's taste in women is slowly going to the dogs. I mean, (As she continues to speak, we pan back to Daria and Jane's shocked looks that gradually harden with anger) first me, the wired cheerleader who's playing and singing in a Joan Jet and the Blackhearts cover band, then that artsy chick with the grunge band in her garage and hippies for parents, (Cut back to Rigan) then there's you, who if I am to believe you now are in fact a dimwit sycopant who happens to be a complete shrew. (takes a breath)
Cut back to Daria and Jane. Daria has a very angry glare to her. Cut back to Rigan
Rigan: But I see that you must be lying, and Tom was teling the truth after all. I now see the reason we broke up.
Ben: (Off Screen) Daria, Jane. It's time to get to the testing room.
Pan over to Ben, who has a clipboard.
Cut to Daria and Jane, who look at each other, and shrug.
Cut to:
Scene: Lawndale High Library. Three tables are arrainged together to suggest the set of a game show with buzzers and lights in front of the chairs. Two other tables are a few yards away, where each team sits between rounds.
Daria: Looks like Fielding Prep is out in force.
Jane: Except for the captain, they don't have any people on the same subject twice.
Daria: I think this will make great fodder for your sketch book. (Turns her head) A Diller, A Dollar, What makes you come so soon? You used to come at ten O'Clock, now you come at noon.
Pan to the door. Tom is walking toward the Lawndale High table.
Tom: Sorry. I ran into early rush hour traffic on I45. (Reaches the table, re-establishing the shot)
Daria: That's okay. You didn't miss much. They're still seting up the quick recall round. (Beat) I stand corrected. They just finished up.
Cut to the referee, a portly, balding man with a zebra shirt, black Bermuda shorts, and a wistle around his neck on a thong.
Okay. For Language Arts, Lawndale High: Morgendorffer, Lane, Flynn, McRoberts, and Cochrane. For Fielding Prep: Mosley, Busch, McIntosh, Schell, and Struzenowski.
Cut to:
Scene: Split Screen between Quinn's Room and David's Dorm Kitchen.
Quinn: Well, what movie do you think we should see?
David: Well, the bargain shows are The Sixth Day and How the Grinch Stole Christmas.
Quinn: Well, I'm really not in a holiday mood right now and my family doesn't celebrate that holiday, except that time when Dad had to take a job as a mall Santa back when we were in Highland.9 And I think that a movie about cloning would not be up my alley.
David: Well, it's either those two or Dungeons and Dragons.
Quinn: A movie based on a Role Playing Game? Ewww! Let's go with The Sixth Day.
David: Okay. I'll Pick you up around 7:00.
Cut to:
Scene: Exterior shot of Lawndale High. Cut to The Library. Daria, Jodie, Kyle (From Pedantic Team), Andrea, and The Rainbow haired girl are at one table from the referee's side on away, and Five students, including Jimmy and Rigan, are on the other. Zoom into the referee:
Referee: Which Austrian writer was the source of the word "Masoschism?"
Bell tone. Pan over to Jimmy at the Fielding Prep table.
Jimmy: Conrad Masek?
Cut back to Referee
Referee: Wrong.
Bell tone. Cut to Daria.
Daria: Leopold von Sacher-Masoch.
Cut to Referee.
Referee: Correct. Here's the bonus question. Name the Russian Czar who freed the Serfs.
Bell Tone. Pan to Daria.
Daria: Alexander IV
Pan to chairs in the stacks. Tom and Jane are sitting at opposite stides of the stacks.
Jane: What did you see in Rigan?
Tom: I saw a beautiful cheerleader with wits and a good ear for music.
Jane: You make her seem like Buffy.
Tom: No. Buffy was never a cheerleader. She was a full-blooded Cree, and (Bites his tongue) Oh, you mean that Buffy.10
Jane: Well, in this lady's case, she looks like a dye job brunette, with a somewhat better fashion sense. I just cannot see her wielding a wooden stake, though.
Tom: I couldn't see any of the actresses playing her doing it, either.
Jane: (Giggles) So, what happened?
Tom: Her band got in the way. We started to fight. Then I stayed one night after her set was over at one of her regular gigs. And I met the sister of the lead singer of the next band. You know the rest.11
Jane: (Eyes Narrowing) Really now?
Referee: (Off Screen) Humanities for Lawndale High: Morgendorffer, Lane, Landon, Johnson, and Rivers.
Jane: Sorry. I got to go.
Cut to:
Montage: Music: Quiz Show By REM
Daria is answering a question. Pan to Tom reading a book.
Daria is answering another question. Pan to Jane sketcing Daria as an owl.
Jane is answering a question. Pan to Daria writing something.
Rigan answers a question. Pan to Ben getting a little nervous.
End Montage.
Referee: For the final tiebreaker question for this round: Calculate seven to the eight power
Pregnant pause, then Bell Tone. Pan to Derrick Farland (From Pedantic Team)
Derrick: 5,764,801
Cut to the Referee: Correct. And Lawndale High sweeps all the rounds, by a total score of 550 to 435.
Pan to Ben, whose mouth is hanging wide open.
Ben: (Regaining Composure) Let's celebrate at Pizza King! On me!
Cut to:
Scene: A movie theater, Exterior. Quinn and David are leaving.
Quinn: I think that's the most highbrow Schwartzenegger film I've seen since Total Recal.
David: I thought it blew donkey farts myself.
Quinn: It did at that. I mean, how could the second Arnie not know he was the second one?
David: And why did that dumb thug keep feeling his previous fatal injuries when he didn't get the memories after his death?
Quinn: These are good questions. I have an even better one, though.
David: What's that?
Quinn: Why haven't we ever kissed?
David: I don't know. Let's start now.
They kiss. Suddenly, two paintballs each splatter them. Quinn disengauges angrily.
Quinn: (Pointing toward the direction of the splatters.) Hey you! (Runs aout of the shot)
David: Wait up, Quinn. (Takes off after her.)
Cut to shot of a kid (his back turned to the camera so that we can't see his face) hopping into The Tank and pulling the doors to. The backs of David's and Quinn's heads are in the foreground.
David: Who was that kid, Quinn?
Quinn: I don't know. (Beat) I've seen that van before, though. Daria's firend's brother uses it to take his band to gigs.
David: Do you think one of them did it?
Quinn: I don't think so. Everyone except Daria's friend and her brother in that family has moved out. They are all too old to be him.
David: You did get a look at his face, didn't you.
Quinn: I certainly did. Let's go home, David, and could I barrow a glove from you?
Commercial Break: Stinger: Daria answering a question.
Commercial:
Voice Over: On the next episode of The New Teacher series, Mr.
Breeck decides to hang out somewhere he's never been before.
Scene: A street corner. Ben is reading a flyer.
Ben: (Thought Voice Over) Hmm, Mysitk Spiral. Sounds like
they do Late Beatles and Steve Miller Band covers.
Voice Over: Unfortunately, he isn't the only one.
Scene: A mass of protesters are picketing through Dega Street.
Pan over to Mystik Spiral at the Tank.
Jesse: Uh, Trent, Does this mean the gig is cancelled?
Voice Over: All this and more, Next Week!
End Commercial
Scene: Split screen between Daria's Room and Jane's. Daria and Jane are talking on the phone.
Daria: He said he had dumped her way before he met you.
Jane: I think we caught him in a lie.
Daria: Maybe there's some reasonable explanation for this.
Jane And I thought you were supposed to be the cynic around here.
Daria: Touché, I think I'll talk to him about this on our next date.
Cut to:
Scene: Lane Residence, Exterior. Quinn is at the front door. She rings the doorbell.
Jane: (Off Screen) I'm coming already, Isaac.
Jane opens the front door.
Jane: If it's to apologise for your conduct fron two years ago, it had better be good.12
Quinn: Actually, Jane, I need some help.
Jane: Really, I thought you were the fashion genius.
Quinn: Do you know a certain kid, brown hair, brown eyes, middle school age?
Jane: You could be talking about Jesse's brother, Danny.13
Quinn: Jesse?
Jane: Plays rhythm guitar for Mystik Spiral, my brother's bad.
Quinn: Oh, you mean them?
Jane: I think I still got his address. Mind talking to me on what this is about?
Quinn: It started three days ago. I came back from a date to find glue on the doorknob of my house, and Daria didn't put it there. Then last night, after seeing a movie, a kid, splattered me and my date with paintballs. (Looking pissed) Now he's gonna get it!
Cut to:
Scene: Jesse's house, exterior, somewhere even more run down than the Lane Residence. Quinn knocks on the front door.
Jesse: (Off screen) Come on, Trent, we don't have to be at the studio for another two hours.
Quinn: This isn't Trent. I'm looking for Danny.
Jesse opens the door.
Jesse: Hey, I know you. You're Daria's sister. Aren't you a little old for Danny?
Quinn: I want to talk to him, now.
Jesse: (Turning his head) Danny, Come Here! (Exits the shot)
Danny (Entering the shot) Eep!
Quinn: Eep is right! Why have you been playing pranks on me? I haven't done anything to you.
Danny: I won't tell. I don't have to say anything.
Quinn: You do if you don't want me as an enemy.
Danny: But she'll kill me if I squeal. Besides, there's nothing you can offer that she can't top.
Quinn: Listen. You are an eighth grader, right?
Danny: Yeah, so?
Quinn: Well, I'm just a Junior. If you don't tell me what's going on, then next year, I'll devote special attention to making your life a living hell.
Danny: I call your bluff. You were kicked out of the Fashion Club.14
Quinn: I SPLIT the Fashion Club apart.15 There are only two full time members right now, the rest are too busy cheerleading. (smiles) To quote a bad movie, does that make me less dangerous, or more? Remember, I have half the football team under my thumb.
Danny: (Swallows)
Cut to:
Scene: The Dog Pound (Gourmet Hot Dog Joint) at the Mall of the Millenium. Daria and Tom are at a table, talking between bites of exotically topped frankfurters.
Tom: That was some match, wasn't it?
Daria: You said it. I don't understand how Jimmy managed to stay on the team so long.
Tom: His father was an alumnus, and the guy resopnsible for the new Olymipc size pool.
Daria: Oh, I see. Another question.
Tom: Shoot.
Daria: Remember telling me about how you and Rigan broke up way before you met Jane?
Tom: Yeah. So?
Daria: Well, you told Jane that Rigan's band was the one before Mystik Spiral that night you two met. Mind explaining it?
Tom: You see, I still liked her music, but we weren't dating any longer. Next week, she's having a gig at the Zen, just after Mystik Spiral.
Daria: Tom, you have quite a twisted taste in women.
Tom: Coming from you, I'm flattered. (Beat) Want to go see her in concert?
Daria: Her band isn't named the Harpies, now is it?16
Tom: No.
Daria: Then I'll go.
Roll Credits. Theme: Roxanne, By the Police.
Makeovers:
Ben as Yahoo Serious
Quinn as Black Cat (From Marvel Comics)
David as Bruce Wayne
Tom as James Bond
Rigan as a Punk with a Spike Mohawk and Safety Pin Earrings
Danny as MacCauley Culkin's character in The Good Son
Daria as Lisa Loeb
Jane as Natalie Merchant
Daria Logo.
1. Mr. Makuchek Subbed for Mr. Breeck during the events of our previous episode, Courtroom Trauma.
2. From the events of Family Junk Bonds to the end of Courtroom Trauma.
3. Daria did that during the events of Homecoming Dunce.
4. The contract was announced during the events of Books, Books, and More Books.
5. This is true. See their Behind the Music special for more details.
6. Tom declared bankrupcy because his bills for recording and touring and taxes exceeded his take home pay by orders of magnitude.
7. This passage suggests my opinions as to the reliability of those archives. Each of these American individuals was reviled by the fringe right. Dr. Zhivago was a charecter in a novel by Boris Pasternak. Alexandr Mendeleev devised the periodic table of elements. Grigori Rasputin was the last court confessor to Czar Nicholas II of Russia, and was known as the "Mad Monk."
9. I am trying to rationalise the Santa suit seen in Camp Fear with what I said in Family Junk Bonds.
10. Only Tom would confuse Buffy Saint Marie and Buffy Summers.