The Characters of Daria Morgendorffer, Quinn Morgendorffer, Jane Lane, Trent Lane, Jesse Moreno, Nick Campbell, Max Tyler, Kevin Thompson, Michael Jordan "Mack" MacKenzie, Brittany Taylor, Jodie Landon, Angela Li, Anthony DeMartino, and many more, even if not mentioned here, are the Creation of Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis and Copyright MTV Studios.
Lyrics to American Pie are copyright 1971 Don McLean and Warner-EMI records, used without permission.  This story is in no way to be construed as a challenge to said copyrights.

Some of the events and persons mentioned in this fanfic did happen and do exist, but have been somewhat fictionalized.  I myself have diverged from the alternate self shown here sometime in 1996.  To those of you who may be offended, remember: this is a cartoon.  This is not and could never be real.

Permission is granted to repost, republish, or retransmit this work in any way, shape, or form as long as these disclaimers remain intact, and no one except Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis, MTV Studios, or Viacom, the parent of MTV receive financial remuneration.

Historians' Note: This story and its sequels take place in lieu of the prospective Season Five.

Opening Sequence:

Splendora's You're Standing On My Neck has been replaced by Man on the Moon by REM, and the following montage plays:

Mr. Ben Breeck looks resigned.  Pan over to his students, who include Daria, Jane, Kevin, Brittany, Upchuck, and most of the rest of the gang in Daria's class.

Ben is in Principal Li's office, with narrowed eyes, and regards Li, who is yakking in grandiose terms, with a look of tired incredulity.

Pizza King.  Ben is grading papers while hoisting a slice with pepperoni, bacon, onions, anchovies, and sun dried tomatoes.  Pan to Daria, Jane, and Tom's booth.  Daria is suspicious, Jane is startled, and Tom's face is neutral.

A dance. Ben approaches Claire DeFoe and says something.  She blushes and takes his hand.  Pan to Upchuck with a camera snapping a picture.

The classroom again.  Mr. Breeck pulls a sleeping Kevin's face up by his hair, removes some googly-eyed Groucho glasses from his face, folds them, then drops Kevin's face back on his desk.  Pan to Daria, Jane, and Jodie's approving glances.

The Zen.  Mystik Spiral is thrashing on stage, and Trent is singing like his life depends on it.  Pan to the audience where one of the patrons is Ben, who's looking rather unimpressed.

Daria is at a street corner with Tom, who is speaking.  He stops talking, his tongue cleaving to the roof of his mouth.  At the exact same instant, she acquires a cold, angry look, says something between clinched teeth, and stalks out of the shot.

The Zen.  Ben is up on stage and apparently doing a monologue.  Pan to the audience, which includes Daria, Jane, and Mystik Spiral.  Everybody is laughing except Daria.

Close-up of Daria Smirking, which acquires an oval around it.  Zoom into the Daria Logo.  Super: Daria in:

Courtroom Trauma
A Daria Fan Fiction by Ben Breeck
Episode 1:06 of the New Teacher Series.

Voice Over:  Last Time on The New Teacher Series...

Scene: Carter County Mobile Home Park.  Ben is holding his wooden bastard sword and breathing heavily.

Ben: (Thought Voice Over) I don't think I've seen the last of him.  Look's like I'll have to get my sandpaper from Lowe's.

Scene: Lawndale High, The Gym.  The Emergency Exit is open and Doug Thompson is entering through it.

Doug: I want to find that Beep who flunked my pride and joy.  I want to teach him a lesson in hopelessness!  There you are!

Scene: Policeman is Mirandising Ben.  Pan through Doug Thompson being loaded onto a stretcher and hauled off to Daria, Jane, and Tom.

Daria: Party's over.  Lets go.

Tom: We'd better talk to that guy, first.

Pan to the policeman with the pad and pencil.

Scene: Morgendorffer Residence, The Kitchen.  Daria, Quinn, Jake, and Helen are around the table

Daria! Go to your room, Right Now!

Daria: What?

Helen: Right Now!  (Through Clinched Teeth) You disobeyed my grounding.  Go!  You too, Quinn.  You didn't report it to me.

Scene: Split Screen between Jane's room and Isaac's apartment.

Jane: (interrupting) Well, there might be a way to get at him.  About two hours before the game, I saw him enter the fieldhouse with a dirty shovel and an oily grin.

Isaac: From what you tell me of him, he always has an oily grin.

Jane: But he wasn't hitting on any girls.

Isaac: I see.

Jane: I think we should do some exploring.  Meet me behind the the school.

Voice Over: And now the conclusion.

Scene: A Jail Cell.  Ben is behind bars, singing Don McLean's American Pie.

Ben: And in there we were all in one place/ A generation lost in space/ With no time left to start again./ So come on Jack be nimble Jack be quick/ Jumping Jack Flash sat on a candlestick/ 'Cause fire is the Devil's only friend...

Link: (Off Screen, Interrupting) Uncle Ben!1

Pan To Link running towards the cell.  Maintain the shot as he reaches it, reestablishing the shot with Ben.

Ben: Link.  How are you doing?

Link: Same as always.

Ben: That bad?

Link: Well, Daria's grounded, and her parents are really clamping down.  (Beat) Did you really bring a shot gun to that dance?

Ben: No, I didn't.  I don't even have a gun license.  (Evil Grin) Besides, were I to go on a killing spree, you know what I would use.

Link. (Hard smirk) Yes I know.  There's this kid, freckles, red hair, says you did it, that's all.

Ben: I see. (sigh)

Link: Don't worry.  We'll get you out in no time.

Ben: I'm sorry, Link, but you don't have that kind of cash on you, unless you raid your college fund, or your parents get another mortgage on the family bumpstead.

Link: Don't worry.  It's not from them.

Ben: (Staring suspiciously) Who is it from?

Cut to:

Scene: Split screen between Jane's room and the Sloane kitchen.  Jane and Tom are talking to each other.

Tom: Why exactly am I going to hit my father up for money to hire someone from Daria's mother's law firm to defend this guy?

Jane: For old time's sake?2

Tom: That doesn't sound like a very good reason.

Jane: Because it's the right thing to do?  I mean you know he's innocent of all the charges brought against him.  Upchuck the Elder is quite a sore loser, especially on behalf of his son.  He's helping to finance the prosecution.  Or should I say, persecution.

Tom: If my father always did the right thing, Grace, Sloane, and Page3 would be bankrupt.

Jane: (Growing Impatient) Then do it for Daria! Mr. Makuchek came out of retirement to replace Mr. Breeck until the outcome of the trial, and the man is a worse lecturer than Ben Stein's character in Ferris Beuller's Day Off!  I think I know where Trent got his narcolepsy.  And Daria's suffering worse than I am!

Tom: Well, if you put it that way...

Cut to:

Scene: The front lobby of the law offices of Vitale, Davis, Horowitz, Riorden, Schrecter, Schrecter and Schrecter.  Marianne is typing something on a computer.  She looks up and smiles.

Marianne: Good Morning.

Pan to Angier Sloane.  Maintain the shot as he walks over to the front desk, reestablishing the shot with Marianne.

Angier: Which of the partners handles criminal law?

Marianne:  That would be Marty Horowitz and Mindy Riorden.

Angier.  I see.  Are they available right now?

Marianne: (looking through a Rolodex) Marty has a client coming in at 9:00, but Mindy should be free for at least an hour and a half.

Angier: Then please buzz her and tell her that Mr. Sloane from Grace, Sloane, and Page would like to talk to her.

Marianne:  You mean you're that Mr. Sloane?

Angier: Yes, indeed.

Marianne: Sure thing.

Cut to:

Scene: Daria's Room.  Daria is surfing on the net, when she comes across an item.  The Mona Lisa smile crosses her lips.  She does some rapid fire clicking and typing, then the computer prints out something.  Daria rips it out of the printout tray and exits the shot.  Cut to Daria in the hallway. Daria takes the paper and slides it under a door.  Then walks out of the shot.

Jake: (Off Screen) Oh My God! This is terrible!

Cut to Jake and Helen's room.  Jake is pointing at the paper he's holding up.

Helen: What is it?

Jake: Remember Pinkmonkey.com?

Helen: Yeah.

Jake: Read this.  It now really is a penny stock!

Helen: What? This means...

Jake: We'll be making payments on the house when Quinn gets her Ph.D..

Helen: And I've been such a Jenny Ass.

Jake: Don't say that, honey.

Helen: (Looking at the back of the paper:) What's this?

Daria: (Voice Over, Offscreen) This is to give notice that I am suing you two in Family Court for reckless misuse of funds and blatant disregard for any concept of justice.  The amount of damages sought is equal to the principal misappropriated, plus prejudgment interest, plus punitive damages of 30% of the original principal.  To adjudicate this case, I am calling on the one individual who is equally predisposed against both parties; namely Quinn Morgendorffer.  P.S.: If the judgment is in my favor, my grounding is to be retroactively lifted as if it never happened.  More Sincerely Than You Have Ever Been, Daria Morgendorffer.

Helen: (Angry) Not Again!

Jake: (Sighing) Honey, I'm afraid we'll have to face the music.

Helen: (Looking Defeated) Very Well.

Commercial Break.  Stinger: Ben singing in the jail cell.

Scene: Angier Sloane's BMW.  Angier is driving and Ben is riding shotgun.

Angier: That was a very brave thing you did.  You probably saved my son's ungrateful life.

Ben: It was damn stupid of me.  I nearly got myself killed.

Angier:  But you didn't.  It's not as if you strutted at him to get blown away.  In business school, we call it a "calculated risk."

Ben:  I see.  (Beat) I realize it's a little crass of me, Mr. Sloane, but what's the scorecard?  I don't have the foggiest notion of what's going on.

Angier: Well, you think that Lawndale is just this sleepy town in Texas, basically a suburb of Houston, but big enough for a good sized airport and some good-and-not-so-good paying day jobs.

Ben: But isn't it?

Angier: It is, but there's more.  You see, the politics of this little town are rather shady.

Ben: Listen, I grew up in Frankfort, Kentucky.  Between half the county elected officials now cooling their heels in LaGrange, Otter Creek, and Eddyville, and Operation BOPTrot sending half of our state legislators to Club Fed,4 I think I know what's going on.

Angier: You don't.  And I pray you never find everything out.  But, in pertinent part, have you ever wondered why you are the first teacher in the Lawndale independent school system to give Kevin Thompson a failing grade since his seventh grade?

Ben: Well, I simply assumed that flunking him would bring down the wrath of his father.

Angier: Actually, Doug's a paper tiger.  If Ms. Li's security measures had been fully functional,5 Doug would have been a vegetable long before he reached that door, let alone before you gave him that internal wrist hemorrhage and brain hematoma.  No, the last time a teacher flunked Kevin Thompson, they found some cocaine in his desk.  Never mind that security camera footage showed that it wasn't there the last time he was going through it and he didn't put it there.  Still serving time, so I here.

Ben: (Look of incredulity) Uh, you mean he was framed?

Angier: (Knowing smile.) What do you think?

Ben: I see.

Angier: But if it were only that I would just bail you out and then keep away.  However, there is a reason that might be more personal.

Ben: And that is?

Angier: Charles Ruttheimer Jr. doesn't like his son having disciplinary problems any more than Charles III likes having them himself.

Ben: (Grimacing) Really now?  Charles hit on three different girls who obviously didn't care to be hit on.  If it were in my authority, I would send him over to a women's prison for three days to drive home the message.  How'd the Ruttheimmers get all that money when they seem too sleazy to even operate a used car dealership?

Angier: That isn't relevant.  Thing is, it's a potential bear trap for them, considering all the possible witnesses.  But for now, they are just potential witnesses.

Ben: What's going on?

Angier: Have you ever played a seventeenth century wargame?

Ben: Well, I have Shogun: Total War on my hard drive.

Angier: Good enough.  See, you are flanked on two sides, and either side could easily roll you over.  But, lucky for you their marching lines are interfering with each other, hampering their line integrity and their mobility.

Ben: I see.

Angier: It's no sure thing, either way.  You have at least five witnesses in your favor.  That's something.  Remember: The more friends you have in this cruel world, the better.  I had to learn that lesson the hard way. (Car Stops)  And don't worry about your car.  I had it towed over here.

Ben: (Getting Out)  Thanks, I think.

Angier: (Smiling) Don't thank me.  I have dozens of reasons for doing this.  It's my son who needs a lesson in gratitude.  (Starts Car and Drives Off)

Ben: (Thought Voice Over) What the hell is going on?

Cut to:

Scene: Long Shot of Lawndale High Football field.  Jane and Isaac are feeling the ground near the 50 yard line.

Jane: (feeling at a 40 yard hash mark) Isaac! Over here!

Isaac: What is it?

Jane: This spot is spongy, as if it's been dug up and replanted recently.

Cut to tight shot of Jane and Isaac.  Isaac feels the spot in question.

Isaac: Whoa!

Jane feels around the edges of the spot, then pulls up a piece of sod corresponding to the spot, and gasps.  She then smells the sod and gets suspicious expression on her face.

Jane: Mineral Oil?

Isaac: Jane, could you clue me in?  I'm really not the MacGuyver type, you know.

Cut to:

Scene: Morgendorffer Residence: Exterior.  Cut to the kitchen.  Jake and Helen are seated on one side of the kitchen table, Daria on the other, and Quinn at the center.

Quinn: Oyez, Oyez, (Pronounces it "Oy-ez) Morgendorffer Family Court, Part Four is now in session.  This Case is between Daria Morgendorffer, pl- pl-

Daria: (Interrupting) Plaintiff.

Quinn: Plaintiff, and Jacob Morgendorffer, referred to as "Jake" and Helen Barksdale-Morgendorffer, Refried to "Helen," the defendants.  The Complaint alleges that Jake and Helen misappropriated a savings account set up by Daria referred to as her "Montana Cabin Fund," then added insult to injury by mismanaging it by investing it in certificates of deposit and in lots of shares in some stock called Pinkmonkey.com.  The defendants claim that the money was, at the time, believed well spent.  Have I gotten all the claims right?

Daria, Jake, and Helen nod once.

Quinn: Good.  Any opening arguments?

Daria: Let's skip those.  There's nothing in them that can't be shown in the presentation of one's case.

Helen: I agree.

Quinn: Daria, would you like to call your first witness?

Daria: I just have my own self as a witness, since Jane and Tom would only count as hearsay.

Quinn: Well, here we go, then.  (Puts a book on the table.  It is a Hebrew Old Testament.)

Jake gets out of his seat and walks over to Daria.  Daria puts one hand on the Bible and puts one hand in the air.

Jake: Do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

Daria: I do.

Jake returns to his seat.

Quinn: Please describe, in your own words, what happened.

Daria: It all started when I got home after signing up for the academic team...

Misty Dissolve with harp to front hall and family room.6  Jake is in his easy chair, watching some talk show.  Daria enters and shuts the front door.

Daria: (Voice Over, Narration) The first thing that put me on warning that things were wonkier than usual was Dad's nervousness.  He seemed awfully wired for a show about transvestite mimes and the women who loved them.

Jake: (sounding more nervous than usual) How are you doing, kiddo?

Daria: Ok, except for losing a friend and joining an extracurricular activity.

Jake: (Enthusiastically) Really, this calls for a celebration!  (Grabs the telephone off the stand and presses a speed dial button.)

Daria: (Voice Over, Narration) And then I thought it strange that he was so quick to celebrate my joining an extracurricular activity.  After all, two years ago, I was on the yearbook staff.

Daria: (Off screen) I don't see any reason to celebrate my alienation from someone.

Jake (holding the phone up to his ear) It isn't that Jane girl, now is it? (beat) Hello, Marianne, I want you to get Helen.

Daria: No, it wasn't Jane.

Jake: I'm sorry pumpkin.  But your getting into an extracurricular activity is wonderful news.  (beat) Helen, Daria just got into an extra curricular activity. (beat)  Yes, that is wonderful. (beat) That would be perfect.  (hangs up)  Guess what, Helen's coming home!  This is the second piece of good news today and we're celebrating by getting the buffet at the Lucky Dragon.

Daria: (Sounding Frustrated) Didn't you hear what I said?  I lost a good friend.

Jake: Don't worry, kiddo. (beat) Say, who was that friend?

Cut to Daria.

Daria: It was Jodie.

Cut to Jake.

Daria: (Voice Over, Narration) But I knew something was very wrong when he explained his good mood.

Jake: I'm sorry, hon.  But here's something to cheer you up.   I just discovered this account we didn't know we had!  (Pan to Daria's shocked face as Jake continues talking, then cut back to Jake)  There must have been $3500 in it!  More than enough for two CDs and a couple lots of stock.  In six more months, if all goes well, we'll be able to tell the bank to go kiss off!

Cut to an obviously pissed Daria.

Daria: (Voice Over, Narration) I knew that windfall could only have come from my Montana Cabin Fund.

Daria: You did what with that money?

Cut to Jake.

Jake: We put it in two certificates of deposit and some shares of a stock called Pinkmonkey.com, why, Daria?  Daria?

Pan to the stairs, where Daria is stomping up them.

Misty Dissolve Back to Kitchen Table.

Quinn: So, What did you do after that?

Daria: Calling the bank was a mere formality, but I did it anyway.

Misty Dissolve to Split Screen between Daria's Room and a bank teller, who looks suspiciously like Ashley-Amber Taylor.  They are talking on the phone.

Daria: My Name is Daria Morgendorffer, My Social Security Number is 125-22-5672, My Date of Birth is 3-19-83, I live at 1111 Glen Oaks Lane.

Teller: Could you please spell it out?

Daria: (Sighing) D-A-R-I-A-M-O-R-G-E-N-D-O-R-F-F-E-R

Teller: I see.  What do you want to know, Ms. Morgendorffer?

Daria: How much money do I have in account 6?

Teller: That account has been closed.

Daria: (Look of Madness, but keep the deadpan voice.) Really?

Teller: Yes, your mother, Helen authorized a transfer of funds to her checking account.

Daria: (Through Clinched Teeth) I see.  And why did you do this? I don't remember giving anyone access to my accounts here.

Teller: Bank rules: parents can bank for minors any time they need to.

Daria: Thank you. (Hangs Up, Puts her head in her hair.  Then walks over to her closet, opens it, and stares blankly inside.)

Misty Dissolve back to the kitchen table.

Daria: Shortly thereafter I called Tom and arranged a date.

Quinn: What did you do about after that?

Daria: A few days later, after calling Tom about my academic team schedule, I confronted Mom and Dad.

Misty dissolve to Jake and Helen in their room.

Jake: You know, I was wondering if maybe we could get away to New Orleans some time?

Helen: Maybe.  Do you want to tour the Tabasco Plant again?

Knock at the door.

Jake and Helen: (In chorus) Who is it?

Daria: (Off Screen) It's me.  You know, Cash Cow?

Helen: Daria, really.  Come in, come in.

Pan to the Door.  Door opens and Daria steps through.

Daria: (Stonefaced) Why did you steal my Montana Cabin Fund and use it to buy a penny stock?  Why didn't you...

Helen: (Interrupting) Daria, what are you talking about?  It was mine.  It was addressed to me.

Daria: (through clinched teeth) It was addressed to Ms. Morgendorffer!  Didn't it register to you that it was my social security number on that account? My birthday?  My control number?

Helen: Oh, Dear, really?

Daria: I (Takes a breath to get a hold of herself) I want you to return my money.

Jake: Sorry kiddo, but no can do.  If we pull out now, we'll miss all the upward potential.

Helen: And those CDs are 72 months.  Incredible penalties for withdrawing right now.

Daria: (Visibly Pissed) I see. (Turns and stalks out of the shot.)

Misty Dissolve Back to the Table.

Daria: It's a good thing all the steak knives and kitchen knives were in the dishwasher, otherwise, this trial would be happening in Circuit Court 6, part 5, and I would be the defendant.  The Plaintiff rests.

Quinn: (To Helen) Any cross examination?

Cut to:

Scene: Split screen between Jane's room and Isaac's apartment.  Jane and Isaac are on the phone.

Isaac: Should we take this to Ms. Riorden?

Jane: No, not yet.  Remember, if we don't fork over the money to pay her, we can't be her clients, and privilege goes out the window.

Isaac: Well, then, I guess we confront this Upchuck.

Jane: When do you get off work tomorrow?

Isaac: I don't start until 6:00, but I get off around 2:00 A.M.

Jane: Good.

Cut to:

Scene: Court Room.  The Bailiff, (Who looks like Richard Moll7) is standing next to the bench.  Present are Ben Breeck and Mindy Riorden at the Defense table, D.A. Michael Kulp, Charles Ruttheimers Jr and III, and ADA Leah McMillan at the prosecution table, various odds and sods in the peanut gallery, and a jury of twelve people bored out of their skulls.  Also present are the court sketch artist and court reporter.  Pan to the Defense table.

Ben: I only see three people on our witness list.  Are you sure you can get the prosecution's star witness on cross examination?

Riorden: Don't worry.  We didn't file a motion to participate in discovery.

Ben: I hope you know what you are doing.

Pan to the bailiff as the Judge (who looks a lot like Dilbert's first boss [Before the Pointy haired one]) enters and walks past the bailiff.

Bailiff: All rise.  Circuit Court 6, part 3 for the state of Texas is now in session.  The honorable Ivan A. Hardass presiding.

The Judge walks over to the bench and sits down.

Judge: You may be seated.

Bailiff: Case Number 2436, People Vs. Ben Breeck.  The Charges are Attempted Murder in the second degree, assault and battery with a deadly weapon, breaking and entering, and carrying a concealed deadly weapon without a permit.

Judge: (looking at the prosecution table) I see you are arguing this matter personally, Mr. Kulp. (looking at the defense table) Strange of you not to file a motion to participate in discovery. (Beat) The prosecution will now make its opening arguments.

Pan to Prosecution Table:

Kulp: Your Honor, Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I bring myself before you to prosecute a relatively new resident of Lawndale, Mr. Benjamin Breeck.  (As Mr. Kulp continues to deliver his opening argument, we pan to the defense table and the expressions of mixed disbelief and ennui that both persons there show on their faces.) The people will show, through forensic evidence, eyewitness testimony, and character witnesses, (Cut Back to Kulp) that he came in to the Lawndale High School Homecoming dance with a Remmington 1200 pump shotgun and proceeded to...uh.. shoot an arc light in the gym and beat Mr. Doug Thompson within an inch of his life.  Even now Mr. Thompson clings to life by the thinnest of threads.

Cut to:

Scene: The Morgendorffer Residence, Kitchen Table.  Daria is pacing around, cross-examining Jake, who's looking a little nervous.

Daria: So, exactly where did this hot tip come from?

Jake: Startup Spectator.

Daria: Did you know that Startup Spectator was recently fined and enjoined by the SEC for repeatedly taking money for favorable analyses and not disclosing that fact to its readership?  Did you know that FinancialWeb's Stock Detective section recently rated it in the "worst offender" status?

Jake:  Well, not really.  They had always had records of good stock picks.  In that issue, they outlined the growth of three different companies' prices and recounted their recommendations.

Daria: You are referring to Defense Exhibit 3, right?

Jake: Yes.

Daria: I took the liberty of examining the three stocks circled on page nine.  Let me introduce Plaintiff's exhibits Seven, eight, and nine. (Handing three papers to Quinn and three to Jake)

Quinn: OK.

Daria: These are line graphs charting the three stocks in question.  The one for BAT was gleaned from the Penny Stock Journal.  The ones for Great White Marine and ImagineOn came from the Wall Street Journal.  These three stocks each have one thing in common.  What is it?

Jake: (Shocked look on his face) From the looks of it, each one soared to more than 300% of their pervious purchase price in heavy early morning trading, three weeks after being profiled, only to fall below the initial price by the time the market closed at the end of that trading day.

Daria: You'll also notice that they filed for some chapter of bankruptcy protection no more than two months after being profiled.  Is that not true?

Jake: (shrinking in his seat) It is.

Helen: (To Quinn) Objection, Who's testifying here, Dad, or Daria?

Daria. Don't worry, I'm almost done.

Quinn: Overruled, for now.

Daria: I thought you were a business consultant.  These...

Jake: (Interrupting, and breaking down) But I'm not a business consultant! I'm a management consultant.  I tell people when to hire, when to fire, how, how to juggle numbers to pad the bottom line, how to reduce taxes, and how to hype a product.  I don't know the first thing about securities! (Begins sobbing)

Daria: (Mona Lisa Smile) No further questions.

Commercial Break: Stinger, Daria grilling Jake.


Voice Over: On the Next Episode of the New Teacher Series, the academic season gets underway.

Scene: Daria, Jane, Jodie, and Kyle are on a table in front of the camera in the library, with name tags and little lights in front of each of them.  Daria's light is on.

Daria: Leopold von Sacher-Masoch.

Cut to Referee.

Referee: Correct.

Voice Over: And Quinn has a little problem with her social life.

Scene: Quinn and David are kissing by the side of the road.  Suddenly two paintballs splatter them.

Voice Over: All this and more, Next Week!

End Commercial

Scene:  The Courtroom.  Upchuck is testifying.

Kulp: And what did you say to Mr. Thompson?

Upchuck: He's right behind you.

Kulp: And what did he do then?

Upchuck: He turned around and forced Mr. Breeck's shotgun down.  They went flying through the air.  When Mr. Breeck got up, he beat Mr. Thompson with the shotgun until he was restrained by the police.

Kulp: No further questions. (Goes back to his table)

Pan to Mindy Riorden as she gets up.  Maintain the shot as she walks near the witness stand.

Riorden: I understand you have a problem with Mr. Breeck yourself.  Isn't this true?

Upchuck: What are you talking about, lady?

Riorden: (Predatorily baring her teeth) Ma'am to you.

Upchuck: Yes, Ma'am.

Riorden: I'm talking about the fact that you received three consecutive detentions for sexual harassment and especial disruptions of class.  Is that not true?

Upchuck: Yeah, but....

Kulp: Objection!

Quick cut to Kulp.

Kulp: This witness is not on trial, the defendant is.

Cut to Riorden and Upchuck.

Riorden: Goes to credibility.  The people opened this line of questioning by citing the witnesses academic record.

Cut to Judge Hardass.

Judge: Overruled.  Answer the question.

Cut to Upchuck.

Upchuck: Yes.

Sound of gasps from the peanut gallery.

Cut to Judge Hardass pounding his gavel.

Judge: Order! Order in the court! Order or I will clean it out.

Cut to Ben.

Ben: (Thought Voice Over, with a very broad grin.) Ham and Cheese on wry, your honor, ham and cheese on wry.

Cut to:

Scene: Morgendorffer residence, exterior.  Cut to the Kitchen Table.  Quinn is delivering her verdict.

Quinn: I cannot believe the story I have just been presented with.  It would almost be as if I had looted the Fashion Club Treasury before being kicked out.  And it's made worse by the fact that it is Mom and Dad doing this. So I'm finding for the Plaintiff. (Noticing Daria's Mona Lisa Smile) Not so fast, Daria.  You were the one to call Horace to talk about divorcing Mom and Dad8.  I'm lifting the grounding and awarding the principal plus interest, (Wiggling her finger admonishingly) but no punitive damages.

Jake and Helen sigh in relief.

Daria: That's okay, as long as I got that judgment.

Doorbell rings.

Daria: I've been expecting that.

Jake: That isn't that Tom fellow, is it?

Daria: Nope. Not Tom.

Daria gets up and exits the shot.

Cut to exterior shot.  Daria opens the door to meet Artie.

Artie: I knew I'd been to this place before.9

Daria: What's this about?

Artie: Here, I'm to serve you papers.  Now get away from me before I call the INS, or maybe the Men in Black.10 (Shoves envelope into her hands and exits the shot.)

Cut to the living room.  Daria is walking back.

Helen: (Off screen) Who was it?

Daria: (Reading the contents of the envelope) It's a subpeana. (Mona Lisa Smile) I'm going to testify in court.

Cut to:

Scene: The Courthouse, Exterior.  Cut to the Court Room.  Kulp is sitting down.

Kulp: The people rest their case.

Cut to the Judge.

Judge: The defense may call its first witness.

Pan to the defense table.

Riorden: The defense calls Daria Morgendorffer.

Cut to the Peanut gallery door, which opens to ingress Daria, who is carrying the Hebrew Old Testament from earlier. Maintain the shot as she walks through the gellery, past the tables, and over to the witness stand, and puts the book on a corner of the stand.  The bailiff has a questioning expression on his face.

Daria: (Raising her right hand and putting her left hand on the book) I preferr this one, okay?

Bailiff: (Shrugs) Do you solemly swear that the evidence you are about to give is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

Daria: I do.

Cut to:

Scene:  The hallway.  Jane and Isaac are walking along.

Isaac: Are you sure about this?  Aren't you afraid with all these security cameras and cops and bailiffs around?

Jane: No, not really.  We aren't blackmailing him for money, we're simply going to convince him to do the right thing, or else face the consequences of his own actions.  His own other actions.

Isaac: I see. (Chuckles, stops and points.) I think we were beaten to the punch.

Pan to where Jodie and Mack flank Upchuck, who is visibly cowering.

Jodie: No, no, Upchuck, you won't weasel away from this so easily.  I don't know how you got those photographs.  I don't care either.

Mack: You are going to tell the court and everyone else the truth about Mr. Breeck.  Then you are going to accept whatever it is the judge has to give, or else.

Upchuck: Please! Surely we can make a deal.

Mack: No can do! Not only did you put up pictures of Jodie, you also put up some of Daria and Brittany.  If you do as we say, right now, maybe I won't tell Kevin and sic the entire football team on you.

Jodie: And I'd hate to think of Daria's revenge.  And don't call me Shirley!

Cut to Upchuck.

Upchuck: I swear, that isn't Daria!

Cut to Jodie's and Mack's Angry Faces  Cut back to Upchuck.

Upchuck: Okay, okay, I'll do it!

Cut To Jane and Isaac.

Isaac: We were too late.

Jane: Darn.

Cut to:

Scene:  The courtroom.  Close up of Daria giving testimony.

Daria: And so there Mr. Thompson was there, making a fool of himself, shooting out a light, and demanding to see whoever flunked Kevin.

Riorden: (Off Screen) What were his exact words?

Daria: He said, and I quote I want to find that Beep who flunked my pride and joy.  I want to teach him a lesson in hopelessness. Unquote.

Riorden: And then what happened?

Daria: Then he spotted Mr. Breeck, called him out, and shot at him.

Upchuck:  She's telling the truth.  I've been lying for for revenge!

Pan to Upchuck entering the courtroom to a murmuring peanut gallery.  Cut to Judge Hardass pounding his gavel.

Judge: That's it.  Bailiffs, clear the courtroom.

Cut to Mindy Riorden.

Riorden: Your Honor, the Defense moves to dismiss this case, with prejudice.

Cut to:

Scene: Ben is leaving the courthouse, flanked by Mindy Riorden and Claire DeFoe. A bunch of reporters barrage them with questions and microphones as they make their way to their respective cars.  Cut to Daria and Jane looking on at the scene.

Daria: The judge threw the book at him for malicious prosecution and perjury.  We won't be seeing him for a while, I think.

Jane: And I don't think Kulp is going to be walking tall anytime soon.

Daria: I got to hand it to you, Jane.  If you hadn't been there, this thing could have lasted for many moons.

Jane: (Pointing) I'm not the one to thank.

Pan to Jodie running up.

Jodie: Friends?

Cut to Daria:

Daria: (Mona Lisa Smile) Friends.

Pan across the street.  Angier and Katherine Sloane are looking on as well.

Katherine: All's well that ends well, huh?

Angier: I'm not sure this is the end.  Certainly Mr. Breeck had nothing to do with Mr. Ruttheimer's change of heart.

Katherine: True.

Angier:  And just think.  My big brother really reeled in a live one with that marriage to Dottie.

Katherine:  Do you think we ought to tell him?

Angier:  No.  He' a bright boy.  Let him figure it out.11  Now, we are going to have a long talk with Thomas about the value of a dollar, and the value of goodwill.

Roll Credits.  Theme: I Shot the Sheriff by Bob Marley.


Ben as Bugsy Seagal

Link as Peter Pan

Angier Sloane as a Yakuza Oyabun

Daria as Sabrina, the Teen Age Witch

Quinn in Graduation Dress

Jake and Helen as the couple in the painting American Gothic

Jane and Isaac as cop show plainclothes detectives

Jodie and Mack as Cloak and Dagger

Upchuck as Chucky from Child's Play.

Daria Logo


1. The relationship between my cartoon self and Link was established in "Family Junk Bonds."

2. As in the last episode of Season Three and all of Season Four.

3. The name of Angier Sloan's investment firm comes from Is it Fall Yet?

4. These are real events.  You can look them up in AltaVista or Google.

5. To get an acurate picture of Ms. Li's security measures, one need simply look through The Daria Diaries and The Daria Database.  One can also get a good idea by watching Fizz Ed and listening to the conversations at the beginning of the episode.

6. This is the second scene of the second act of Pedantic Team being recalled.

7. Bull Shannon (The tall bald guy) from Night Court.

8. See the second act of Family Junk Bonds.

9. Actually, he hasn't.  He only thinks he has.

10. See The Lawndale File.

11. In real life, My Aunt Dottie's husband is surnamed Sloane.  No, it's true! I swear it, so please don't come after me with a crossbow, Canadibrit.