The Characters of Daria Morgendorffer, Quinn Morgendorffer, Jane Lane, Trent Lane, Jesse Moreno, Nick Campbell, Max Tyler, Kevin Thompson, Michael Jordan "Mack" MacKenzie, Brittany Taylor, Jodie Landon, Angela Li, Anthony DeMartino, and many more, even if not mentioned here, are the Creation of Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis and Copyright MTV Studios.  This story is in no way to be construed as a challenge to said copyright.

Some of the events and persons mentioned in this fanfic did happen and do exist, but have been somewhat fictionalized.  I myself have diverged from the alternate self shown here sometime in 1996.  To those of you who may be offended, remember: this is a cartoon.  This is not and could never be real.

Permission is granted to repost, republish, or retransmit this work in any way, shape, or form as long as these disclaimers remain intact, and no one except Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis, MTV Studios, or Viacom, the parent of MTV receive financial remuneration.

Historians' Note: This story and its sequels take place in lieu of the prospective Season Five.

Opening Sequence:

Splendora's You're Standing On My Neck has been replaced by Man on the Moon by REM, and the following montage plays:

Mr. Ben Breeck looks resigned.  Pan over to his students, who include Daria, Jane, Kevin, Brittany, Upchuck, and most of the rest of the gang in Daria's class.

Ben is in Principal Li's office, with narrowed eyes, and regards Li, who is yakking in grandiose terms, with a look of tired incredulity.

Pizza King.  Ben is grading papers while hoisting a slice with pepperoni, bacon, onions, anchovies, and sun dried tomatoes.  Pan to Daria, Jane, and Tom's booth.  Daria is suspicious, Jane is startled, and Tom's face is neutral.

A dance. Ben approaches Claire DeFoe and says something.  She blushes and takes his hand.  Pan to Upchuck with a camera snapping a picture.

The classroom again.  Mr. Breeck pulls a sleeping Kevin's face up by his hair, removes some googly-eyed Groucho glasses from his face, folds them, then drops Kevin's face back on his desk.  Pan to Daria, Jane, and Jodie's approving glances.

The Zen.  Mystik Spiral is thrashing on stage, and Trent is singing like his life depends on it.  Pan to the audience where one of the patrons is Ben, who's looking rather unimpressed.

Daria is at a street corner with Tom, who is speaking.  He stops talking, his tongue cleaving to the roof of his mouth.  At the exact same instant, she acquires a cold, angry look, says something between clinched teeth, and stalks out of the shot.

The Zen.  Ben is up on stage and apparently doing a monologue.  Pan to the audience, which includes Daria, Jane, and Mystik Spiral.  Everybody is laughing except Daria.

Close-up of Daria Smirking, which acquires an oval around it.  Zoom into the Daria Logo.  Super: Daria in:

Pedantic Team
A Piece of Daria Fan Fiction By Ben Breeck
Episode 103 of The New Teacher Series.

Scene: Lawndale High.  Daria and Jane are walking through the hall.

Daria: So, which emotion did you pick out of Mr. O'Neill's Hat?

Jane: Anger, and you?

Daria: Shame.

Jane: Ain't English IV something else?

Daria: Yeah, not even Van Driessen was this pathetic.

Upchuck: (Off screen) Hey girls, want to take a cruise on this love boat? Growr.

Pan to Upchuck. Pan back to Daria and Jane's hostile faces.

Daria: Careful, Upchuck, you might run into a glacier and sink.

Cut to Upchuck

Upchuck (grinning lecherously): Ooh, Feisty.

Pan Back to Daria and Jane

Jane: We really don't have time for this.

Daria: I'll take care of it.  (Walks over to Upchuck.  Maintain the shot as Daria reaches him.)

Upchuck tries to cop a feel.  Daria grabs him by the crotch.

Daria: (Conversational tone) Upchuck, please don't take this the wrong way, but I really don't like you.  I despise you.  I think that you are a sleaze who needs to learn what it means to be made an object of before you can be fit to join the majority of humanity.  If I wasn't already attached to someone, I would teach that lesson myself.  I suggest you beg to learn from Andrea or maybe Ms. Barch.  In the meantime, if you dare to speak to me as if I were a potential one night stand at a singles bar, or try to touch me, anywhere, regardless of the reason, I'll castrate you and make you eat your nuts.  Then, I'll get really unreasonable.  Do we have an agreement?

Upchuck: (Nods his head) Yipe!

Daria: (Releasing his crotch as she pushes him down and walks toward Jane) That'll keep him at bay until report cards come out.

Upchuck scrambles up and exits the shot.

Jane: It's a pity his memory doesn't last longer.

Daria: He's like a dog.  You gotta punish him when he makes the mess.1

Cut to:

Scene: Classroom.  Anthony DeMartino is in front of the class.

DeMartino: And I would LIKE to CONGRATULATE Quinn MORGENDORFFER, The ONLY student in THIS class who got last week's question RIGHT. For the RECORD, the MUNICH Beer Hall PUTSCH was NOT a particularly nasty BREED of DOG.

Pan to Quinn, Stacy, Sandi, and Tiffany.

Sandi: Well, Quinn, you seem to be taking being a brain pretty well.

Stacy: (to Sandi) Cut it out, Sandi.  There are far worse things than being a brain.

Sandi: Now you're siding with this loser too?

Quinn: She is just being a real friend.  Ever heard of such a creature?

Sandi: Stacy, if you keep on doing this, I'll have to put you on fashion sabbatical.

Stacy: I don't care.  From now on, there'll be no more Fashion Club! I resign.

Sandi: You can't do that, you'll lose your boyfriends.

Tiffany: Yeah, like Chad.  Remember him?

Quinn: Oh, I think we can find more.  I was beautiful before I joined the Fashion Club.  I still am.  And Stacy will still be too.

Sandi: You're just dragging Stacy down with you, Quinn.  The Fashion Club has a school charter.

Quinn: A Fashion Club of two is much less believable than a Fashion Club of four.  Good luck. (Beat, faces the front of the room) The female equivalent of the Hitler Youth was the Bund Deutschen Maedel.

Pan to DeMartino

DeMartino: Very GOOD, Morgendorffer.  You even PRONOUNCED it RIGHT.

Cut to:

Scene: The cafeteria.  Daria and Jane are eating Beefaroni, corn kernels, and some unidentifiable green stuff.

Daria:  Jane, I'm not sure about Isaac.

Jane: Whoa, Daria.  The last time you weren't sure about my boyfriend you stole him.2

Daria: (mildly irritated) Jane...

Jane: Sorry, sorry.  Didn't mean it like that.  What's not to like about him?

Daria: Well, for starters, he thinks Mystik Spiral might actually make it to Alterapalooza, (beat) as a featured attraction.

Jane: Come on now.  They aren't that bad.  They're now recording on plastic with Trash Weasel.3  Should be released just in time for Christmas.

Daria: Trash Weasel would sign my Grandma Ruth.

Jane: (Smirking) Might this be a sign of sour grapes?

Daria: Never.

Jodie: (Off Screen) Hey Daria.

Daria: (wheeling around) The answer is no, Jodie.

Pan slightly to put Jodie in the shot.

Jodie: That's rather rude.  I haven't even told you what it is I'm offering.

Jane: (To Daria) Daria, at least hear her out.

Daria: You can still tell me, it's just that the answer is already no.

Pan and Zoom to Close up of Jodie

Jodie: Ok, have you ever heard of the Academic Team4, Daria?

Cut to Daria.

Daria: (Deadpan) Yeah, sure. I'll be Valedictorian, You, Mack, and Upchuck will be Salutatorians, and Jane, Ted, and Andrea will be the Cum Laudes.  And in six years at our first reunion, our glorious returns will bring honor to LAWNDALE HIGH.

Cut to Jodie.

Jodie: That's not quite what I meant.  Basically they face other high school's teams in competition.  In the first part, we take twenty question tests on one of six subjects: Math, Literature, Humanities, History, Social Studies, and Sciences.  In the second, the top five in each subject on both teams square off against each other in fifteen minute rounds, one each subject.  Imagine Greed, but with two teams and no calling someone out.

Cut to Daria and Jane.

Daria: And I should be interested in this for what reason?

Jane: Come on.  You keep saying about how those people only looked at you for your beautiful face.  This is a chance to be be noticed for something other than looks.

Daria: Well, I don't know...

Jodie: At the end of the season and state finals, the individual winner in each subject gets a $2000 scholarship to the school of his or her choice.  If the winner sweeps the subjects, the scholarship jumps to $20,000.  Then there are, or might be, the All A and National Tournaments.  Free Airfare and  accommodations to all participants in the Nationals in Indianapolis.

Jane: Think about the inspirations!  Think about the fun.  And Isaac is from Indiana.  He could show us around.

Daria: (to Jane) Indiana's a big place.  He could be from Corydon, South Bend, or anywhere in between. (to Jodie) When is that tournament?

Pan to put Jodie back in the shot.

Jodie: It's in early April, why?

Daria: (to Jane) That gives us seven months.  Do you think he'll still be here in seven months?  Do you even think you'll still love him in seven months?

Jane: Why don't we play it by ear on this one, Ok?  Besides, I think it'll be fun.  Think of it as practicing for your session in the hot seat with Regis Philbin.

Daria: (Mona Lisa Smile) Actually, I much prefer Ben Stein's Money.  Much less of a prize, even after taxes, but more real challenge in the questions.  (beat, serious tone) I have three questions before I decide.  Number one: Why do you want me this year?

Jodie: Well, it's because in previous years we were so bad even Carter County High routinely blew us out of the water.  You could have gotten on and it still have made much of a difference, it was so bad.  This year, our team has gotten some new blood, and with you in, we may even get to the regional championships.  Our only real competition in this district would be from Oakwood and Grove Hills. (beat) And you know how I hate losing to them.

Daria: Jodie, in football and basketball, Lawndale High, Oakwood High, Carter County and Grove Hills are the whole of the 124th district.

Jodie: Believe me, everyone else in the region is a pushover.

Daria: I see.  Next question: what's the schedule like?

Jodie: Just like basketball.  Formal study sessions begin in October.  Matches begin in November.  Ten matches against anyone in the state, then after the new year, regional play.  We play everyone in our district twice; once here and once there, and everyone else in our region once, with the All A tournament at mid-season.  Thus a regular season of thirty matches.  Then come the District, Regional, State, and if we are really lucky, Nationals, but Lawndale High has never been to those.

Daria:  I see.  Finally, I would like to ask, why me?

Jodie:  Daria, I know you.  It's not that you aren't competitive, I've seen you in the arcades.  It's just that you've never seen anything at this school worth being competitive in this school over.  This isn't about strength or looks, its about brains.  And another thing, you don't particularly thrive under pressure, but I've never seen you choke.

Daria: (Deadpan) Well, in Highland, I choked Beavis and Butthead repeatedly. (beat, resigned tone) Ok, you've convinced me.  I'll sign up with Mr. O'Neill right after lunch.

Jane: This is intriguing.  I'll sign up too.  If nothing else, I can sketch the quick recall rounds.

Jodie: Actually, Mr. Breeck is handling the academic team this year.  Between Drama Horizons, the esteem class, and the Student Government, Mr. O'Neill just doesn't have the time to coach it this year.

Daria: (Raises a single eyebrow)

Cut to:

Scene: Classroom.  Ben is in front of the class.

Ben: Now, then. I would like to congratulate Daria on the myth she chose to debunk.  I think that it is very important to realize that not only were women excluded from the vote in Athens, but also paupers and those not born in Athens, even if they bore arms for that city. (Beat) With that out of the way, lets get on to Alexander The Great.  The truth was that he wasn't that great a general.  There simply hadn't been a competent infantry force to come out of the Fertile Crescent since the Assyrians.  Nor did he face millions with his mere thirty thousand.  The biggest engagement only had 200,000 people fighting each other.  Yes, Brittany?

Brittany: Did he really marry Roxanne?

Ben: Yes, he did.

Bell Rings

Ben: Class Dismissed.  For Tomorrow, I want you to read chapters five, six, and seven and do the definitions at the end of five and seven.

Pan to shot of class filing out of the classroom. Pan back to the desks, where Daria and Jane remain.  Cut to Ben.

Ben: Daria, School's out.

Cut to Daria and Jane.

Daria: I know that.  I want to talk to you again.

Cut to Ben.

Ben: I really don't want to relive old times because, well, we didn't really have any.5

Cut to Daria and Jane.

Daria: I know that.  I want to join the academic team.

Jane: Me too.

Cut to Ben.

Ben: Yes, there is a god!  Thank you Daria, you've just made my day.

Cut to Daria and Jane

Daria: Is there any reason you are doing a Timothy O'Neill impression?

Cut to Ben.

Ben: Well, it's just that we need someone to captain this squad.  The previous captain resigned her post, though not from the team.  Had to balance her priorities, she said, and I believe it.  The only real candidate so far, is a good competitor, but a bad example to the rest of the team.  He's the only A student I ever toy with giving Saturday school just on general principals.  She suggested you.

Cut to Daria and Jane's facefaults.

Daria: (Shocked) You mean Jodie had an ulterior motive and wanted me to compete with Upchuck for team captain?

Ben: (sighing) If by Upchuck you mean Charles Ruttheimer, yes.

Daria: (coldly) All that goodwill gained at Grove Hills6 is completely gone, then.

Ben: Daria, I want to tell you a story.  When I was a senior at Frankfort High, I was just like you, except that I was a guy, of course.  I was smart, cynical, and an outcast.  And I didn't mind one bit.  Then my English teacher Mrs. Robinson came to me and talked me into the academic team there.  (smile) Mostly it was because study sessions were held at Mr. Gatti's during the buffet.  There, I met a few friends.  Real friends, who liked me for my mind.  We went on the district, regional, and state championships, and while we didn't win or even get into the Elite Eight, we were never blown out either. (beat) Though we did do quite a bit of blowing out ourselves.7

Daria: Oh, I think I already have enough friends, but I'll join anyway, if only to one up Upchuck and rub Jodie's nose in it.

Jane: Me, Too

Ben: Great.  I'll get the paperwork started.

Commercial Break. Stinger: Daria and Jodie Talking.

Scene: Sidewalk, walking home.  Daria and Jane are walking home sharing a computer printout they are reading.

Jane: (reading) Quick Recall round.  Each round lasts fifteen minutes per subject.  The referee asks a tossup question that anyone can answer by buzzing in first.  It is worth ten points and the correct answered gets a follow-up question worth fifteen points, which only the team captain can answer.  If you buzz in before the question is fully asked and get it wrong, your team team is penalized ten points and the question is read fully for the other team.8

Daria: Sounds reasonable.  I think I might like this after all. (face hardens) But damn Jodie for her methods.

Jane: It could have been worse.  She could have volunteered you without your knowing.

Daria: Oh, I don't think she'd have struck that low, at least not this year.  If we were at college, though, it might be a different story.  (Glancing forward) Hey, Quinn, you wanna enlarge your social contacts?

Pan to Quinn and Stacy

Quinn: How, Daria?

Cut to Daria.

Daria: Look at this.  (Hands printout to Quinn)

Cut to Quinn:

Quinn: (Reading) What is this?

Cut to Daria.

Daria: Well basically, it's six rounds of questions and answers moderated by someone with a cue card.

Cut to Quinn and Stacy

Quinn: Like a game show run by the athletic association? Eww!

Stacy: You said it Quinn.

Cut to Daria and Jane.

Daria: Well, suit yourself.

Jane: It's your loss.

Cut to:

Scene: Morgendorffer residence, exterior.  Daria opens the door, and enters the house.  Cut to front hall and family room.  Jake is in his easy chair, watching some talk show.  Daria enters and shuts the front door.

Jake: (sounding more nervous than usual) How are you doing, kiddo?

Daria: Ok, except for losing a friend and joining an extracurricular activity.

Jake: (Enthusiastically) Really, this calls for a celebration!  (Grabs the telephone off the stand and presses a speed dial button.)

Daria: (Off screen) I don't see any reason to celebrate my alienation from someone.

Jake (holding the phone up to his ear) I isn't that Jane girl, now is it? (beat) Hello, Marianne, I want you to get Helen.

Daria: No, it wasn't Jane.

Jake: I'm sorry pumpkin.  But your getting into an extracurricular activity is wonderful news.  (beat) Helen, Daria just got into an extra curricular activity. (beat)  Yes, that is wonderful. (beat) That would be perfect.  (hangs up)  Guess what, Helen's coming home!  This is the second piece of good news today and we're celebrating by getting the buffet at the Lucky Dragon.

Daria: (Sounding Frustrated) Didn't you hear what I said?  I lost a good friend.

Jake: Don't worry, kiddo. (beat) Say, who was that friend?

Cut to Daria.

Daria: It was Jodie.

Cut to Jake.

Jake: I'm sorry, hon.  But here's something to cheer you up.   I just discovered this account we didn't know we had!  (Pan to Daria's shocked face as Jake continues talking, then cut back to Jake)  There must have been $3500 in it!  More than enough for two CDs and a couple lots of stock.  In six more months, if all goes well, we'll be able to tell the bank to go kiss off!

Cut to an obviously pissed Daria.

Daria: You did what with that money?

Cut to Jake.

Jake: We put it in two certificates of deposit and some shares of a stock called Pinkmonkey.com, why, Daria?  Daria?

Pan to the stairs, where Daria is stomping up them.

Cut to:

Scene: Daria's room.  Daria is dialing a number on the phone in there.  She puts it to her ear.

Daria: (sounding desperate) Hello, Tom? (beat) Well, please get me Tom, Elise. (Pause) Hello, Tom?

Split screen between Daria's Room and Tom in the Kitchen.

Tom: Yes, Daria?

Daria: What sort of homework do you have?

Tom: At this point, I'm reading Plato's Apology and am trying to separate out what Socrates was saying from what, if anything, Plato was putting into Socrates' mouth.  Why?

Daria: How soon can you get finished?

Tom: About an hour.  What about you?

Daria: I'll be done in an hour, too.  Why don't you pick me up around seven?

Tom: Sure, Daria.  What's this about?

Daria: I'll tell you when you take me away.

Cut to:

Scene: Daria and Tom are a Thai restaurant.  Daria is eating Chicken Penang Curry.  Tom is eating Devil's Pork.

Daria: And to top it all off, Dad recieved a statement from my Montana Cabin Fund misaddressed to Mom, then with Mom's blessing, raided it.

Tom: Huh? Even your Nutty Nutty pay?9 I thought they couldn't do it.

Daria: (Between Clinched Teeth) According to their rules, until my eighteenth birthday next march, all my accounts are paritally my parents' if they bank there, which they now do. (Sighs)

Tom: What did they do with the money?

Daria: They sank it into penny stock .com that sounds like a pump and dump.  Oh, and some cds.  They want to pay off the mortgage in time for me to graduate.  So there you have it.  First Jodie does the hard sell on me, then my parents find and mismanage my Montana Cabin Fund.  I wonder if I can divorce my parents?

Tom: Not in Texas. (sounding bitter) At least they didn't send you to prep school.

Daria: Small comfort.

Tom: Look at it this way, now we can go out a whole bunch of new places after your matches.

Daria: But what about college?10

Tom: Hey, I CLEPPed out of my entire freshman year.  Right now, I have a 4.0 grade point average until the end of the semester, and I am only taking twelve hours, all in the morning.  Don't worry.

Daria: Okay, I won't.  So, what do I do now?

Tom: Well, unless the schedule pits you against Highland High, I think you should go with it.

Daria: Okay.

Cut to:

Scene: Ben's Mobile Home.  Ben is sitting in a padded easy chair, talking on the phone.

Ben: Okay, now, It's Lawndale vs. Fielding Prep for the opener, then Southwest Springs, Then Sam Houston Academy, then First Impression, and finally Danforth County High just before Christmas?  I see... (Beat) And the rest of the schedule will be in in the next two weeks?  Thank you. (hangs up, picks up the tv remote and clicks it.)11

Pan and zoom in to the Television Screen.  People are wandering around stoned in a downpour.

Sick Sad World Announcer:  You won't believe what that new jet fuel additive is doing to the clouds!  We expose the worst sort of acid rain next on Sick Sad World.

Pan out to Daria's room.  Daria is watching the show while talking on the phone.

Daria: Rachel? Could you please get me Jodie?  This is important, Rachel. (Beat) Ah, Jodie.  The woman of the hour.

Split screen between Daria's Room and Jodie's at the Landon residence.

Jodie: (Yawning) What is it, Daria?  I'm going to go to sleep soon.

Daria: Jodie, you set me up.  It's one thing that you convince me to join this activity that you've hyped up so much, it's quite another to make me sub for your place.  I don't think I've been so angry since Quinn made me take her babysitting job when she was double booked.  And even then I at least got some cash out of that.

Jodie: What else was I supposed to do?  Mack's too busy with football and then hockey.  Tell me, would you want to inflict Upchuck on the rest of the team?

Daria: It's not your goals, it's your methods.

Jodie: Daria, if I told you up front, would you have agreed to it?

Daria: Probably not, but still.  I thought you were my friend.

Jodie: Daria, I'm terribly sorry.  I'll make it up to you somehow.

Daria: (conversational tone) Oh well, done is done.  You've still pissed away all my goodwill from Grove Hills, by the way.  Good night, Jodie. (hangs up)

We spend a few seconds watching Daria watching the show.

Daria: (thought voice over) So, that explains that hurricane last year, and why everyone was singing.

Commercial Break. Stinger: Daria Looking Pissed.

Voice Over: On the next episode of the New Teacher Series, Daria contemplates drastic measures.
Scene: Daria is in her room, talking on the phone.
Daria: Eric, do you know what needs to be done to divorce one's parents in Texas?
Voice Over: And we discover a relative of Mr. Breeck's.
Scene: Daria, Jane, Tom, and Isaac are at a street corner staring, Daria and Jane with mouths hanging open.
Jane: Didn't you tell me about him?
Voice Over: All this and more, next week!

End Commercial:

Scene: Daria is in front of the class, reading.

Daria:  I didn't really understand how much I hurt her, until I talked to her again two months later.  I realize that it wasn't all or even mostly my fault, but what fault of mine burned.  Up to that point, I had never understood the sort of trust I had betrayed, or the sort of betrayal I had committed.  I seriously doubted I could ever get that friend back, and when she forgave me, it felt like a camel had been lifted off my shoulders.  I must be incredibly lucky, but I will never take that luck for granted.12

Pan to Mr. O'Neill

O'Neill:  Daria, That was wonderful.  You get an A.

Pan to a blushing Daria, pan back to O'Niell

O'Neill:  Next up is Jane Lane.  Jane Drew out Anger.  Jane, would you like to give your essay?

Cut to Jane getting up and walking to the front of the class.  Jane turns around and faces the class.

Jane: This is especially hard for me.  When my last boyfriend and I broke up, it was as if someone had poked a blunt metal rod through my ribcage.  (as Jane continues to speak, we pan around the classroom) What made it worse, though, was that my best friend was part of the reason for the breakup.  It happened that my boyfriend had kissed her during one of those long talks they had begun to have every so often.  If breaking up was like a blunt rod through the ribcage, her participation in it was as if someone had heated a fire poker to forging temperature and stuck it, well, where it would hurt all the worse.13

Cut to the clock, with the second hand flying around the face five times in as many seconds and the minute hand moving forward five notches.  Cut to Jane.

Jane: But I managed to forgive him.  If he wanted to date someone so that he could make a good money match, he wasn't worth fighting over.14  I forgave my friend, though I question her wisdom in keeping him.  I even found it in my heart to forgive that lesbian alley cat at the art colony,15 as she was simply a creature of the system and her nature.  I suppose I'm not the type to bear grudges well.  The End.

Cut to Mr. O'Neill.

O'Neill:  That was simply breathtaking.  Maybe I should enroll you and Daria in that new Waif contest.

Cut to Daria and Jane.

Daria and Jane: (in chorus) No!

Cut to Mr. O'Neill

O'Neill: Well, it was worth a shot.  Next, is Charles, who drew fear.  Charles?

Cut to:

Scene: Exterior Shot of Burger World (No, not in Highland) Cut to interior shot at a door. Daria and Jane enter.

Jane: You sure this is the place?

Daria: Yeah, I'm sure.  Mr. Breeck only made me repeat it four times.  Look, there they are.

Jane: But study doesn't begin for another two weeks.

Daria: I think that this is more to hand out the final schedule than anything else.

Jane: And it's the last chance to chicken out.

Pan to a table where Upchuck, Jodie, Ted, Andrea, and some unidentified students are talking with each other.  Daria and Jane walk into the shot and sit down as far from Upchuck as they can at the table.  Ben walks over with some meal and sits down at another empty chair.

Ben: (Looking Around), well it looks like we have everybody.  I believe I know all of you except you. (Points to character whom we saw last in our previous episode where he was interrupting Mr. O'Neill.  Pan to him.)

Student: (Sarcastic) Hi, I'm Derrick Farland, and my hobbies are- oops, wrong teacher.  I'm only doing this because my mom is making me, that old battleaxe.  My strengths, such as they are, are in science and mathematics.  (Beat) And I'm not looking forward to this season.

Pan to Ben.

Ben: (Looking at Derrick sideways) Thank you, Derrick.  (producing a stack of papers) Now, here are the schedules for the season. (Passing them out)

Pan around the table, with thought voice overs as we put them into the shot.

Upchuck: (Smiling lecherously at the schedule) Hmm, Immaculate Conception High School, the girls are as feisty as ever there, I hear.

Jodie: Houston science magnet school? I do believe Mom and Dad were trying to send me there.  I want to show them!

Ted: Southern Methodist Academy? Didn't Mom and Dad want me to go there?

Andrea: Oh dear, another year of idiots cutting me down.  I wonder why I even bother?

Anonymous Student 1: (Male, black hair, and sunglasses) Who came up with the first ten schools?

Anonymous Student 2: (Female, wears shades, and has rainbow striped hair) Carter County High? I think it's time to pay them back for that toilet papering!

Anonymous Student 3: (Male, Black [Not Mack] wears clothes out of Details magazine) I wonder who'll be in the all "A" Tournament this year?

Jane: (smirking) Is Mr. Breeck trying to schedule the toughest teams he could find?

Daria: Fielding Prep?  Isn't that Tom's Alma Mater?

Pan Back to Ben.

Ben: Our other business is electing the team captain and vice captains.  This election was prompted by the resignation of Jodie, here.

Pan to a blushing Jodie.  Pan back to Ben.

Ben: Any nominations?

Pan to Anonymous Student 1

Anonymous Student 1: I nominate Upchuck.

Pan Back to Ben

Ben: Ok, Kyle.  And you?

Pan to Jodie

Jodie: I nominate Daria.

Pan Back to Ben

Ben: Any one else? (Beat) Anybody? (Beat) Anybody at all?  Ok, let's vote. All those in favor of Charles Rutheimer III, raise your hands. (Beat) Now All those in favor of Daria Morgendorffer, raise your hands. (Beat) Well Daria, looks like you've won.  Congratulations.

Pan to a bored Daria.

Daria: (Deadpan) Whoopty-Doo.

Cut to:

Split Screen between Daria and Tom talking on the phone.

Daria:  And so I'm now the captain of the Academic Team.

Tom: You could have declined the captaincy and nobody would have gainsaid you.

Daria: True, but I simply couldn't inflict Upchuck on the team.  It wouldn't have been fair to Jane or Andrea.

Tom: And you are thrilled to a peanut?

Daria: (sighing) Exactly.  So, The opening match will be eight weeks from today.  Who are you going to cheer for, anyway?

Tom: Well, since you asked, you.  I never wanted to go to Fielding Prep.  I never liked the teachers or most of the students, and I never cared to follow them in any sport.

Daria: But won't your father be angry?

Tom: Dad? the only things he cares about are money and influence, and that's it.

Daria: I see. (Beat) Well, Mystik Spiral is playing at some new place, Saturday, called the Whole in the Wall.  Want to make it a date?

Tom: Sure.

Roll Credits. Theme: "Hold My Hand" by the Rutles.


Daria as Lt. Aeryn Sun from Farscape

Jane as Xev Bellringer from Lexx

Quinn as a succubus

Stacy as Pipi Longstocking

Ben as a Member of a SWAT team

Jake and Helen as a Mobster and his Moll

Tom as a Navy SEAL.

Andrea as Andrea Dice Clay from In Living Color

Daria Logo.


1. That quote is stolen from Aaron Solomon Adelman's Daria, the Motion Picture.

2. A reference to Dye Dye, My Darling.

3. We learned about this in Books, Books, and More Books.

4. The academic competiion as depicted is based on the Kentucky system.  If the Texas system varies from it, let me know.

5. This happened at the end of Books, Books, and More Books.

6. See Gifted.

7. This is true.

8. This is a direct quote from the rules.

9. See It Happened One Nut.

10. We learn that Tom now goes to Baylor in Dis-Orentation.

11. With the exception of Fielding Prep, all these schools really exist (According to Microsoft Streets 98) in the Greater Houston area.

12. This is Daria's perspective on the events toward the end of Is it Fall Yet?.

13. This is Jane's perspective on the events of Dye Dye, my Darling.

14. See the halfway point of Is it Fall Yet?.

15. I'm talking about Allison. See Renfield's Seeing Things Through for a better picture.