The Characters of Daria Morgendorffer, Quinn Morgendorffer, Jane Lane, Trent Lane, Jesse Moreno, Nick Campbell, Max Tyler, Kevin Thompson, Michael Jordan "Mack" MacKenzie, Brittany Taylor, Jodie Landon, Angela Li, Anthony DeMartino, and many more, even if not mentioned here, are the Creation of Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis and Copyright MTV Studios.  This story is in no way to be construed as a challenge to said copyright.

Some of the events and persons mentioned in this fanfic did happen and do exist, but have been somewhat fictionalized.  I myself have diverged from the alternate self shown here sometime in 1996.  To those of you who may be offended, remember: this is a cartoon.  This is not and could never be real.

Permission is granted to repost, republish, or retransmit this work in any way, shape, or form as long as these disclaimers remain intact, and no one except Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis, MTV Studios, or Viacom, the parent of MTV receive financial remuneration.

Historians' Note: This story and its sequels take place in lieu of the prospective Season Five.

Splendora's You're Standing On My Neck has been replaced by Man on the Moon by REM, and the following montage plays:

Mr. Ben Breeck looks resigned.  Pan over to his students, who include Daria, Jane, Kevin, Brittany, Upchuck, and most of the rest of the gang in Daria's class.

Ben is in Principal Li's office, with narrowed eyes, and regards Li, who is yakking in grandiose terms, with a look of tired incredulity.

Pizza King.  Ben is grading papers while hoisting a slice with pepperoni, bacon, onions, anchovies, and sun dried tomatoes.  Pan to Daria, Jane, and Tom's booth.  Daria is suspicious, Jane is startled, and Tom's face is neutral.

A dance. Ben approaches Claire DeFoe and says something.  She blushes and takes his hand.  Pan to Upchuck with a camera snapping a picture.

The classroom again.  Mr. Breeck pulls a sleeping Kevin's face up by his hair, removes some googly-eyed Groucho glasses from his face, folds them, then drops Kevin's face back on his desk.  Pan to Daria, Jane, and Jodie's approving glances.

The Zen.  Mystik Spiral is thrashing on stage, and Trent is singing like his life depends on it.  Pan to the audience where one of the patrons is Ben, who's looking rather unimpressed.

Daria is at a street corner with Tom, who is speaking.  He stops talking, his tongue cleaving to the roof of his mouth.  At the exact same instant, she acquires a cold, angry look, says something between clinched teeth, and stalks out of the shot.

The Zen.  Ben is up on stage and apparently doing a monologue.  Pan to the audience, which includes Daria, Jane, and Mystik Spiral.  Everybody is laughing except Daria.

Close-up of Daria Smirking, which acquires an oval around it.  Zoom into the Daria Logo.  Super: Daria in:

Scene: Lawndale High School.  Daria and Jane are walking along in the hall.

Jane: So, how was the the first date of the rest of your relationship with Tom?

Daria: Not too bad, though I wish you wouldn't put it in quite those terms.

Jane: Not to bad, eh? Must have been better than any of mine, then.

Daria: I'm not you, so I wouldn't know.  (Points off screen) Would you look at that?

Pan to where Daria is pointing.  Ben has a big cardboard box he is balancing on his shoulders, maintain the shot as he walks past Daria and Jane.  Pan back to Daria and Jane.

Daria: I think that this must mean our books have arrived.

Jane: How long do you think before Mr. Breeck is called on the carpet for a hose down?

Daria: Oh, three weeks at the latest.  I think that's when the next school board bribe is due.

Jane: Think they'll be more worth reading than the stuff we already have?

Daria: Well, considering that the standard textbooks have a most recent copyright date of 1974, I think that that is quite within the realm of possibility.

Jane: I just love Li's spending priorities.

Daria: (lips quirk into Mona Lisa smile)

Cut to:
 

Scene: Classroom.  Ben is in front of the class.  Today, he is wearing a purple plaid flannel shirt and kakhi cargo pants.

Ben: The new books have just arrived.  (Bending over a box) I am going to give them to you now  Please take one of each and pass them back.  The one in the back of the row can then carry any spares back to my desk.  Oh, yeah, and could each of you please sign the attendance sheet? (Hands a stack of paperback books to the first kid in the row)

Pan to Jodie's desk.  She is examining her books.  She picks one up.

Jodie: What is this book?

Quick Cut to Daria's Desk

Daria: (Thought Voice Over) Let's see here, we have "Fantastic Archeology," "Elizabethan Propaganda: How Shakespeare's Historical Dramas Haunt History Today," "101 Historical Facts Everybody Got Wrong," "Denying the Holocaust" by Deborah Lipstadt, and "Loony Theorists of the Twentieth Century."  I think I'm impressed.1

Cut to Ben

Ben: Those are the rest of our textbooks.  Don't worry, you will only have to read them for the midterm and the final.  Yes, Jane?

Cut to Jane

Jane: This is awfully long reading.

Quick Cut to Ben

Ben: True, but I think you can fit it in between now and May. (Beat) Now, any more questions?  (beat) Yes, Daria?

Pan to Daria.

Daria: Where did you get these?

Cut to Ben.

Ben: http://www.skeptics.org/bookstore/  they give a 45% discount on bulk purchases.2

Cut to Daria.

Daria: (Thoughtful look, Thought Voice Over)  Maybe I ought to check that place out.  (in a more evil tone of thought voice over) I wonder how Quinn's taking Esteem Class?

Cut to:
 

Scene: Mr.O'Neill's Room.  Mr. O'Niell is up in front of the class.

O'Neill: Welcome to our new Self Esteem Class this year.  As you know, I'm Timothy O'Niell, and here all of you will learn how to get along with yourselves to get to know the youness within and banish that poor self-esteem.  Yes?

Pan to an anonymous male student, wearing a Cincinnati Bengals T-shirt and black denim pants.

Student:  You're sick, dude.  I don't have no second personality named Eunice.

Cut to O'Neill

O'Neill: (Smiling) I meant You-Ness.  Y-O-U-N-E-S-S.3  (As he continues to talk, we cut to the student, who slaps his head.)  Anyway, I thought we could start by having everybody introduce himself or herself.  Lets start with you.

Pan to another student, one which we have seen before.

Other Student:  Hi, I'm Robert Head, but people always call me "Bobby Bighhead."  According to Dr. Manson, I have low self-esteem.

Pan to next student, Andrea

Andrea: Hi, I'm Andrea Flynn, and I've just shattered Jane Lane's old record for most appearances in this class.  Maybe it's because I listen to real hard rock and wear dark clothes.  Maybe it's because Dr. Manson is a dolt who follows the trends of psychology the way the Fashion Club chases the latest fad in clothing and cosmetics.  Myself, I think this class is an idiotic waste of time that I could better spend in study hall.4

Pan to Quinn.

Quinn: Hi I'm Quinn Morgendorffer, and I (starts to sound whiny) I just got thrown out (Starts sobbing) of the Fashion Club5.  (Is now bawling unintelligibly) Waahh!!  Uuww Waahh!!

Pan to Mr. O'Neill's shocked face.

Cut to:
 

Pizza King.  Daria, Jane, and Tom are at their usual booth.

Tom: And so he says "I'll have Pompoms Frites."

Jane laughs so hard she snorts out pizza sauce.  Daria's lips quirk into a Mona Lisa Smile.

Tom: So, how were yours and Jane's day today, Daria?

Daria: Well, we just doubled the number of textbooks we have to carry, courtesy of Mr. Breeck

Jane: I just broke in a new kiln for Ms. DeFoe.

Daria: I straightened out things between myself, Jodie, and Mr. O'Niell about the Lawndale Lowdown.  It's so wonderful to see a grown man cry.

Tom: (pointing off screen) Speaking of Mr. Breeck, Daria, would you say that that's him over there, based on your descriptions of him?

Pan to a small table, where Ben is grading papers between bites of a large thin crust with pepperoni, bacon, anchovies, and onions.  Pan back to the booth, where Daria and Jane have acquired shocked expressions.

Jane: How could a teacher choose pizza?  In the afternoon?

Daria: And why Pizza King, of all places?

Tom: Well, it's not as if we saw him at the Zen, now is it?

Daria: (Thoughtful look) True.  (Face twists into an expression of suspicion)

Jane: Daria, I don't like that look

Daria: I swear I've seen him somewhere before.  I just can't place it.

Pan over to Ben marking a paper while hoisting a slice.  Pan back to Tom, Daria, and Jane.

Commercial Break: Stinger: Ben grading a paper at Pizza King.
 

Scene: The Zen: Mystik Spiral is performing on stage, trying out a new tune.  Pan to the audience which includes Daria and Tom at one table, and Jane and an (as yet) unknown guy with shoulder length blond hair, red vinyl jacket, blue jeans and tennis shoes.  (For the record, this is NOT Wind Lane.6)

Daria: Fancy meeting you here, Jane, and with a new beau, I see.

Jane: Go to hell, Daria.

Unknown Beau: Please, Jane.

Jane: (to both Beau and Daria) I'm only kidding.  Anyway, Isaac, meet Daria and Tom, Tom and Daria, Isaac.

Daria: (Deadpan) Hi.

Tom: (A little friendlier) Hey.

Isaac: (Definitely Friendly) Yo.

Daria: So, where do you come from?

Isaac: Originally, I'm from Indiana, but like the Hank Snow 7 song, I've been everywhere.

Daria: (with narrowed eyes) Indeed?

Tom: (To Jane) So, where'd you meet him, or should I ask?

Jane: Well, I was picking out some whole wheat spaghetti for Mom when I bumped into him and we both fell down.

Daria: (Interrupting) And it was love at first sight?

Isaac: No, not really.  I just barely bit back from cussing her out.  I was checking out the shrimp chips.  I fell down and twisted my ankle.  She apologized and helped me to my car.

Jane: As we were walking, we got to talking about various subjects.  Art, literature, movies, that sort of thing.

Isaac: I never believed that anyone could be more in the dark about the meaning of Waiting for Gadot than me!

Daria: So something clicked?

Jane: No.  Then I met him again at Box Office Video three days later.  He helped me pick out a selection for that week's bad movie night.  That's where we hit it off.

Isaac: When Craven does them good, he does them good.  When he does 'em bad...

Daria: So you were the one who picked out The Serpent and the Rainbow?  (Looks up to the stage) Looks like the set's over. (Pan to the stage)

Trent: We're Mystik Spiral, and we'll be back for another set. (To the band) Okay guys, take ten.

Max gets up from the drum set while Nick and Jesse un-sling their guitars and place them on stands, then walk off stage.  Cut to Daria, Tom, Jane and Isaac as Trent walks over to them.

Trent: Hi, Janey.  Hi, Daria.  Hi- (Does a double take at Isaac) Whoa, Wind, is that you?

Isaac:  Who's Wind?

Jane: He's our elder out of the house blond heartthrob of a brother.  Trent, let me introduce Isaac Bowman, my new boyfriend.  Isaac, this is my other elder brother, Trent.

Trent: (offering his hand) Hey, Nice meeting you.

Isaac: (shaking it) Any time.

Trent: What did you think of the set?

Isaac: Not too bad.  Jesse, that guy with the base guitar, he can really play.  And that drummer Max has a good rhythm.  Now, if you really learn how to sing and the band can pull together as a band, you could be the next Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Trent: Really? (Nick comes up from off screen and whispers into Trent's ear as Isaac nods his head.) Well thanks Isaac.  Gotta get back on stage.

Daria: That was rather mean of you Isaac, pumping up their hopes like that.

Isaac: I meant every word I said.  They really got potential.

Daria: (Thought Voice Over) Jane, Jane, Jane, what have you gotten into? (Out loud, to Tom) Tom, it's about my bedtime.

Tom: Okay.  Well, I'll see you tomorrow afternoon, Jane, and I hope to see you again too, Isaac.

Isaac: My shift at Box Office should be over by 4:00, tomorrow.

Jane: Bye, Bye, Daria.

Daria: See you.

Daria and Tom exit the shot.  Pan up on stage.

Trent: Hello and welcome once again to the Zen.  We're Mystik Spiral, but we're thinking of changing the name.  As you may recall, I'm Trent Lane, that's Jesse Moreno on bass, Nick Campbell on rhythm guitar, and Max Tyler is behind the drum set.  This next song is one that got us our new recording contract with the Trash Weasel label.  Hit it.

They begin playing Freakin' Friends

Cut to:
 

Scene: Morgendorffer Residence.  Daria opens the door and begins walking up the stairs.

Helen: (Off screen) Daria!

Daria: (Whirls around. Pan to put Helen into the shot with Daria) Mom!

Helen: Do you know what time it is, and on a school night, at that?

Daria: (sighing) It's only 9:30, well within the curfew, even on a school night.

Helen: You're starting to act like Quinn.

Daria: (visibly irritated) And suddenly that's a bad idea?

Helen: It is when it interferes with your studies.

Daria: And you always want me to do those extracurricular activities that interfere with my studies.

Helen: But Daria, colleges love that sort of thing.

Daria: No thanks to you, I joined the Highland Howdy as the fashion reporter.  It was a living hell of an assignment.

Helen: Daria!

Daria: Mom, I really don't want to talk about it right now.  It's near my bed time on a Thursday night.  I'm going up to bed.

Daria turns and exits the shot.  Pan to shot of Daria ascending the stairway.

Helen: (off screen) Wait, Daria!

Cut to:

Scene: Daria in the upstairs hall.  Quinn is wailing her voice out.  Daria stops by Quinn's room and bangs on the wall next to her door, three sharp pounds.

Daria: Cut it out, Quinn.

Cut to:
 

Montage (Music: Tossing and Turning, by Ivy League):  Daria in her room, she turns out the light, lays down, and closes her eyes.  Close up as she opens them up again and sighs.

Daria putting cotton balls in her ears.  Close-up on her face as she acquires an irritated expression.

Daria throwing darts at a dartboard.  Pan to the dartboard, where Todd's face is at the bullseye, flanked by the faces of Quinn, Sandi, Upchuck, and Principal Li.

Daria playing Doom on her computer, with a mod that turns various demons into members of the Fashion Club, B*witched, the Backstreet Boys, 98 Degrees, and Mr. Buzzcut.  Daria's computer persona is wielding the chainsaw.

Daria reading Flatland, a Romance of Many Dimensions by Edward Abbot while gritting her teeth.

Daria playing Tetris at relativistic speed.

Daria in front of her TV, looking extremely frazzled.  There is snow on the screen.  She clicks the remote.  Close up to the screen as the Sick Sad World Globe and Eye display prominently.

Cut to:
 

Scene: Quinn's room. Quinn is sitting on her bed with her head resting on her hands. Pan to the door, where Daria has just walked in.

Daria: Could you please tone it down? It's three in the morning for crying out loud.

Quinn: (Lifts her head up. There are visible circles around her eyes. Whether this is a result of crying or sleeplessness cannot be discerned.) I'm sorry Daria. I can't sleep.

Daria: (Walks over to Quinn's makeup table, grabs the chair, swings it over to Quinn's bed and sits down in it backwards) Want to talk about it?

Quinn: Daria, why are you so concerned? It's really none of your business.

Daria: Because your keening is keeping me from being rested for three pop quizzes tomorrow and that padding in my room is rotten as sound insulation. Now I'd advise taking my offer before I retract it.

Quinn: It was because I decided to keep up this learning kick. When they objected, I insisted I wanted to be able to afford to stay fashionable. Then they kicked me out. (Whining) BUT THEY WERE MY FRIENDS.

Daria: Are they really your friends? I would never treat Jane the way Sandi's been treating you. Jane wouldn't treat me that way either. Hell, even I wouldn't treat you that way.

Quinn: But you stole Jane's boyfriend! You tried to steal Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie! 8 I'd never do that to Sandi!

Daria: Hey, that's different. Tom kissed me, 9 without my consent, and I quickly told Jane about it. As for the other, I was trying to remind you of what you would be missing if you chose the path you were going down at that time. If you had given up on them, so would I, and I would have been actually proud of you.

Quinn: What about Stacy and Tiffany?

Daria: What about them? You know far more about them than I do.

Quinn: Well, Tiffany can't really see that she isn't fat, or on the road to getting fat. Stacy is rather nice, but she booted me out along with Sandi and Tiffany. (Whining) BUT I THOUGHT SHE WAS MY FRIEND!

Daria: Well, she always seemed a little insecure, to me. She seems to be weighing the friendship of two people against the friendship of just one.

Quinn: (Sarcastic) Thanks for the reminder, Daria.

Daria: (Unfazed) What you need to do is unconvince her of the validity of that math. Show her that to compare a single genuine friendship as not worth two phony friendships is just the same thinking as believing Primo to be better than Giorgio simply because of the lower price of the former.

Quinn: But how do I do that?

Daria: That is for you to figure out. (gets up) Now, get your beauty rest so I can get mine. Oh, and one final thing.

Quinn: Yes, Daria?

Daria: When you've had enough of Timothy O'Niell during your study hall, I have the answers to the self-esteem Exit Test if you want to cheat your way out of the class. 10

Quinn: Thanks Daria.

Daria: Don't mention it.

Commercial Break.  Stinger: Daria stuffing cotton balls up her ears.

Commercial:

Voice Over: On the next episode of The New Teacher series, Daria finds an extracurricular activity that she actually likes.
Scene: Quinn walking outside.
Quinn: Like a game show run by the athletic association? Eww!
Voice Over: And her parents have a little explaining to do.
Scene: Morgendorffer Residence. Daria looking rather pissed off.
Daria: You did what with that money?
Voice Over: All this and more! Next Week!

End Commercial
 

Scene: Classroom:  Mr. O'Neill is in front of the class.

O'Neill: And so as those tapes said, there's always something that makes each of us special.  Yes, Quinn?

Pan to Quinn:

Quinn: Mr. O'Neill, could you please give me the test?

Cut to O'Neill

O'Neill: But Quinn, are you really ready, I mean, you seem to have made a lot of progress.  I wouldn't want you to get so depressed you backslide.

Cut to Quinn

Quinn: (With a broad smile) Oh, I think I'm ready.

Cut to:
 

Scene: Classroom: The lights are out and Ben is in front of the class, commenting on a slide show.

Ben: And so we see, It wasn't an act of God that thwarted the Assyrian conquest of Judah, simply bad sanitation.  (Bell Rings, Ben flips on the lights)  For over the weekend, I want you to debunk some historical myth about the Ancient Greeks.  And by the way I have your quizzes here in the out box.

Cut to shot of everyone grabbing a paper from a wire basket on Ben's Desk, use several angles of it.  Daria walks up to Ben.

Ben: Uh, Why aren't you leaving, Daria?  School's out for this week.

Daria: Could you answer me a question?

Ben: Shoot.  Is it about the course?

Daria: Actually It's about you.  Have you ever been to Highland?

Ben: Highland?

Daria: Trick Question.  There are actually three Highlands in Texas11.  Before I moved here, I was a student at Highland High School in Erath County.

Ben: Actually, I've never been to Texas before I moved here to teach this year.  Why do you ask?

Daria: I swear I've seen you before.  I just can't remember where.

Ben: Now that you mention it, you yourself do look kinda familiar. (startled look) Tell me, do you have an older sister who went to Clinton's first inauguration 12 with those high scholars from Texas with those two idiots who made Dave Thomas and Rick Moranis in Strange Brew look like Albert Einstein and Enrico Fermi?

Daria: Actually, that was me.  And those two idiots were named Beavis and Butthead.

Ben: (Shocked) No Kidding? But you're seventeen!  Then how...

Daria: Am I still in high school after seven years?  (Sour Expression) You can blame the Erath County Board of Education for a second-rate acceleration program and the Texas Division of Schools and Education and those jokers in Austin for their inflexible graduation requirements. (Mona Lisa Smile) You might say that I had my fill of school spirit over there. (Beat) Who were you?

Ben: I was part of the other high school to attend the inauguration, the one from Kentucky.  I saw you and them in the bookstore in Union Station.  At least, I believe that was you and them.

Daria: Now I remember. I believe you had longer hair, no glasses or mustache, and were wearing a green heavy coat.

Ben: Yep, that's me.

Daria: It's a good thing I was able to stop Beavis and Butthead's attempts to come on to your girlfriend.

Ben: (Deadpan) Yeah, I could have gotten expelled, sued, and charged with two counts of first degree manslaughter.

Daria: May I ask another personal question?

Ben: You just did, and you can ask a fourth, as well.

Daria: What was her name, if I'm not prying?

Ben: Her name was Kim, and I was buying her a present. (trails off)

Daria: What happened with her?

Ben: (Regarding her with a haunted look) I don't want to talk about it.

Cut to:
 

Scene: The sidewalk outside Lawndale High.  Stacy Rowe is walking home.

Quinn: (Off Screen) Wait up, Stacy.

Stacy: (looking over her shoulder) Quinn?

Pan to Quinn running toward Stacy.  Maintain the shot as Quinn slows down and reaches Stacy.  Keep Quinn and Stacy in the shot.

Quinn: Listen Stacy.  I know I was a little aloof...

Stacy: What's that?

Quinn: Distant, stuck up, snotty.

Stacy: (quickly retorting, angrily) Yeah, you really were aloof then.

They start walking.  Maintain the shot.

Stacy: (Angry Voice) Yeah, so, what's your point, Quinn?

Quinn: (Visibly hurt)Stacy, I've always been there for you.  I've put in a good word when it looked like you were going to get kicked out of the Fashion club.  I've helped get you dates with the football team.

Stacy: (vague tone)I guess so.

Quinn: The point is, why are you now turning away from me?

Stacy: Well, I've known them so much longer.

Quinn: But they treat you like dirt!  Remember the time Sandi made you shine her shoes for allegedly committing a fashion don't that turned out to have been fully sanctioned by Waif?  She didn't even apologize even after we showed her the picture.  Or that time Tiffany borrowed your full bottle of mascara and then gave it back empty? Without replacing it?

Stacy: I see what you mean.  (thoughtful look) Come to think of it, you did stand up for me lots.  Listen, I'm sorry I voted to kick you out.  If I had been thinking clearly, I wouldn't have.

Quinn: (In a playful tone) What vote?  As far as I'm concerned, it didn't happen.

Stacy: This calls for a celebration.  I'll buy you some double chocolate chip ice cream.

Quinn: I have a better idea, let's double date.  I'm free tomorrow.

Pan to:
 

Scene: Daria and Jane are looking on at Quinn and Stacy from across the street.

Daria: (Deadpan) I think I've created a monster.

Jane: I don't know, she could always reject the conditioning.

Daria: Possible, or lick me to death.

Jane: Who would have thought that Quinn would get over the Fashion Club?

Daria: (Mona Lisa smile) Miracles can happen, I suppose.  (beat) Next thing you know, they'll expel Upchuck.

Jane: I wouldn't count on it.  That Mr. Buzzcut from Highland you keep talking about might join the faculty.  So, Mystik Spiral is playing at McGundy's tomorrow night.  Think you could take Tom along?

Daria: Okay, but not before I and Tom see Men of Honor.

Jane: Deal.  We'll meet you there.

Roll Credits.  Theme: Little Miss Can't Be Wrong by the Spindoctors.

Makeovers:

Daria as Joan of Arc

Jodie as an Auto Mechanic

Ben in a gi kicking out a board

Quinn as one of the sugar plumb fairies, complete with maroon dress with tutu, insect wings, and antennae

Isaac as Jon Bon Jovi

Tom as a private detective out of a 30's detective novel

Stacy as Hester Pyrne from The Scarlet Letter

Daria Logo

Notes:

1. Those are titles to real books.

2. And that's a real address, too.

3. That quote stolen from Aaron Soloman Adelman.  You'll find out exactly where.

4. I know Andrea seldom speaks, but I think that this would be an appropriate time.

5. That occurred in our previous episode, Dis-Orientation

6. From Lane Miserables.

7. Thanks to Robert Nowall for that bit of infromation.  I originally was going to say Johnny Cash.

8. See Quinn the Brain.

9. See Dye Dye, My Darling.

10. She got them from Jane in Esteemers.

11. That's actually true.  One is a suburb of Dallas-Fort Worth, one is a suburb of San Antonio, and one is in Erath County and is in no place in particular.

12. I (and the rest of Frankfort High School, in Kentucky , save people who had to do detention) did go to Washington D.C., to see the Inaguration.  Highland High going to see the innaguration was mentioned in the Beavis and Butthead episode Citizen Butthead and in Beavis and Butthead do America.