The Characters of Daria Morgendorffer, Quinn Morgendorffer, Jane Lane, Trent Lane, Jesse Moreno, Nick Campbell, Max Tyler, Kevin Thompson, Michael Jordan "Mack" MacKenzie, Brittany Taylor, Jodie Landon, Angela Li, Anthony DeMartino, and many more, even if not mentioned here, are the Creation of Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis and Copyright MTV Studios.  This story is in no way to be construed as a challenge to said copyright.

Some of the events and persons mentioned in this fanfic did happen and do exist, but have been somewhat fictionalized.  I myself have diverged from the alternate self shown here sometime in 1996.  To those of you who may be offended, remember: this is a cartoon.  This is not and could never be real.

Permission is granted to repost, republish, or retransmit this work in any way, shape, or form as long as these disclaimers remain intact, and no one except Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis, MTV Studios, or Viacom, the parent of MTV receive financial remuneration.

Historians' Note: This story and its sequels take place in lieu of the prospective Season Five.

Splendora's You're Standing On My Neck has been replaced by Man on the Moon by REM, and the following montage plays:

A new male teacher looks resigned.  Pan over to his students, who include Daria, Jane, Kevin, Brittany, Upchuck, and most of the rest of the gang in Daria's class.

The teacher is in Principal Li's office, with narrowed eyes, and regards Li, who is yakking in grandiose terms, with a look of tired incredulity.

Pizza King.  The teacher is grading papers while hoisting a slice with pepperoni, bacon, onions, anchovies, and sun dried tomatoes.  Pan to Daria, Jane, and Tom's booth.  Daria is suspicious, Jane is startled, and Tom's face is neutral.

A dance.  The teacher approaches Claire DeFoe and says something.  She blushes and takes his hand.  Pan to Upchuck with a camera snapping a picture.

The classroom again.  The teacher pulls a sleeping Kevin's face up by his hair, removes some googly-eyed groucho glasses from his face, folds them, then drops Kevin's face back on his desk.  Pan to Daria, Jane, and Jodie's approving glances.

The Zen.  Mystik Spiral is thrashing on stage, and Trent is singing like his life depends on it.  Pan to the audience where one of the patrons is the teacher, who's looking rather unimpressed.

Daria is at a street corner with Tom, who is speaking.  He stops talking, his tongue cleaving to the roof of his mouth.  At the exact same instant, she acquires a cold, angry look, says something between clinched teeth, and stalks out of the shot.

The Zen.  The teacher is up on stage and apparently doing a monologue.  Pan to the audience, which includes Daria, Jane, and Mystik Spiral.  Everybody is laughing except Daria.

Closeup of Daria Smirking, which acquires an oval around it.  Zoom into the Daria Logo.  Super: Daria in:

Scene:  Lawndale High School.  A young man, too old to be a student, but seemingly not old enough to be a teacher, is walking around the hall aimlessly, as if not knowing where to go.  He is tall (6' 4") and thin, with short cut blond hair with a mustache to match.  He wears a button down shirt vertically stripped blue and white, navy blue pants and a black leather belt, and medium sized wire frame glasses.1  Pan to Anthony DeMartino who sees him, and gets angry.  Pan through DeMartino as he walks up to the Young Man.

DeMartino:  Hey YOU,  WHAT are YOU doing IN the HALL?!?  The BELL for HOMEROOM hasn't SOUNDED YET!! Go TO the GYM!

Young Man:  Y-You must be Anthony DiMartino.  Hi. My name is Benjamin Breeck.  I'm the new history teacher.  (Fumbling with his pockets) See, this is me. (Pulls out his wallet)

DeMartino: (Looking in the wallet at the driver's license.  Both eyes bulge)  That BITCH!  I had TENURE!  I'll KILL her.  I'll KILL the SUPERINTENDENT and the WHOLE GODDAMN BOARD!!

Ben: (Taken Quickly Aback) Calm down before you burst an aneurysm, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.  I'm supposed to replace a Mr. Paul Makuchek, who quit last spring.  Could you direct me to Principal Li's Office?

DeMartino: (Visibly Relieved) Oh, SORRY.  False ALARM.  LISTEN.  GO to the NEXT fork, and HANG a RIGHT.  The OFFICE of HELL is on the LEFT, just OPPOSITE the PENCIL vending MACHINE.

Ben:  Thank you, Mr. DeMartino.  And call me Ben, if you will.

DeMartino: SURE, and call ME Tony.

Cut to:
 

Scene: Principal Li's Office.  Angela Li is working at a computer as her buddha statue sits facing the door on her desk.  The sound of a door opening and shutting.  Li Smiles and wheels to face the camera.

Li:  Good Morning.  You must be Mr. Breeck.  Please sit down.  I'm Angela Li, the principal here at LAWNDALE HIGH.  Funny, the picture made you look so much older and shorter.

Pan to a side shot as Mr. Breeck does so.

Li: I see that you have taken an incomplete tour of our institution.

Ben:  Actually, I got lost.

Li: Really now? You are only seven years removed from High School yourself.2  I thought you could easily negotiate the hallways.

Ben:  Sorry.  My high school was much smaller.

Li: (Handing a piece of paper across her desk)  Here's a map of the school.  Memorize it.  (As Ben takes the map.)  Now, I know the school board and the superintendent liked your credentials, but I must explain some rules to you.

Ben:  And what are they?

Cut to Li

Li: One: Be ever vigilant for drugs, guns, cheating and other deviant behavior.  Our motto is "High security for high performance."  No method or means of searching may be put aside.  Two: No fraternizing with students and no romance between faculty members.  It sets a bad example for LAWNDALE HIGH. (As she continues her speech, we pan to Ben, whose face takes on a look of tired incredulity. Pan back to Li) Three: Don't order anything to teach with not on the state list.  Our budget is stretched enough with the standard textbooks.  Four: No smoking except in the teachers' lounge.  Five, no unlocking locked or barred doors except for fire drills and real emergencies.  (Blinks) Any questions, Mr. Breeck?

Ben: No.  I don't think so.

Li: (Enthusiastically extending her hand)  Welcome to our family at LAWNDALE HIGH.

Ben: (Reluctantly shaking it) Thanks, I think.  (Thought Voice Over) What the hell have I gotten into?

Cut to:
 

A school bell ringing.  Cut to:

Scene: A classroom.  Ben is standing in front of the class.  He sighs with a resigned look. Pan over to his students, who include Daria, Jane, Kevin, Brittany, Upchuck, and most of the rest of the gang in Daria's class.  Quick cut back to Ben.

Ben: (Thought Voice Over) Oh, Dear, looks like nobody really wants to be here.  Why did I get into teaching in the first place? (Out Loud) Good morning, class, though perhaps not as good as if this place burned down, wouldn't all of you say?

Sound of a slight snicker from the class.

Ben: (Handing a blank sheet of paper to the student at the front of the class at the end of the room next to the door) This is an attendance sheet.  If you all could please sign it and pass it around, I can check it with my attendance book after class.  My name is Benjamin Breeck.  B R E E C K.  You can call me Mr. Breeck, Benjamin, Ben,  just don't call me Benjy, as it sounds too much like the dog.

Pan to the class, which is all straight faces.  Pan back to Ben.

Ben: Ok, that may be a little too old for you all.  Now, as your schedule indicated, you all are indeed in History IV, World Civilization.  I'm planning a rather different section than my fellows for this course.  (Picks up attendance sheet near the window.) Instead of learning all of what happened, we will instead learn what didn't happen, and therefore what did through Occam's Razor.  (As Brittany raises her hand)  Brittany Taylor, isn't it?  What is your question? (Cut to Brittany, in the second row behind Kevin)

Brittany:  I thought that this was History, not Health or Cosmetology. (Cut to Entire Class)

Class bursts into laughter, except for Daria.  Cut to Daria at her desk.

Daria: (Thought Voice Over) Gee, I wonder how Lawndale High holds these trophies for most Original Cheer with Little Miss Airhead as head cheerleader?  (Cut back to Ben Speaking to the class)

Ben:  Occam's Razor is this: Eliminate the impossibilities, and whatever is left, however improbable, is the truth.  I suppose that I can skip that the opening chapters of the book of Genesis didn't happen.  I think that Janet Barch or Martin Ogilvie can give a more than satisfactory explanation in Geology or Paleontology.  Lets deal with the Yangshao culture in China, instead.  What didn't happen was a unified state.  The Yangshao was a series of city-states that shared the same written language and the same cuisine.  It was more reminiscent of Classical Greece or the Classic Period Maya than it was of the later Kingdoms and Empires, like the Shang and the Chin.  Another thing that wasn't were the so-called "Dragon Bones."  They were actually the bones of cattle...

Cut to Daria

Daria: (Thought Voice Over) Hmm... I think I might like this class after all.

Commercial Break.  Stinger: DiMartino yelling at Ben in the middle of the hall.
 

Scene: In Front of the Morgendorffer Residence.  The sound of a 1978 U.S. Ford Granada 3 driving away.  Daria is adjusting her shirt as she makes her way to the front door of her house.  (This is immediately after the events of the close of "Is it Fall Yet?" .  For the record, nothing happened between Tom and Daria more than heavy petting.)  She opens the door.  Cut to tight front shot of Daria in the doorway, with a shocked look.

Daria: (Gasps)

Jake and Helen: (Off screen, in chorus) DARIA!

Daria slams the door shut.  Cut to outside in front of the house.  Daria has her back against the door and her hands are grabbing the edges of it.

Daria: (Puffs Heavily)

Jake: (offscreen)  You can come in now, pumpkin.

Daria: (Sighs in relief and opens the door.)

Quick cut to Jake and Helen on the couch.  Jake is rubbing lipstick off on his arms and adjusting his shirt, while Helen is putting some more lipstick on and adjusting her dress.

Jake:  So, Daria, how was your day?

Daria: Well, aside from my reconciliation with Tom, which I believe you saw just now, not too much.  I got a new history teacher.

Jake:  (interested look on his face) Really, now?

Daria: His name is Mr. Breeck and he seems to have a rather unusual way of teaching.

Helen:  (In a vaguely suspicious tone) Not like that show on t.v., what was it?  "The Magic School Bus?"

Daria: No, not like that.  He is trying to teach what happened by teaching what didn't happen.

Jake: That is odd.  Anything else happen today?

Daria:  Well, except for Jodie and Mr. O'Niell double teaming me to try to join Drama Horizons for an adaptation of Anton Chekhov's The Cherry Orchard, Upchuck trying out a few new lines on me he learned over the summer, and some idiot playing around with potassium nitrate and sulfuric acid in chemistry, not much.  It was an average first day for my Senior year.  (To Helen) Were there any new interesting clients, Mom?

Helen:  No, I- Wait a minute?  Why are you so interested in my work, Daria?  Daria?

Pan to Daria, as she walks up the stairs.
 

Cut to:

Scene split screen between Daria's room and Jane's, as they talk on the phone.

Daria:  And when I got in the door, mom and dad were making the beast with eight limbs and two heads.  It shocked me worse than the yelling they gave me for it.

Jane:  I wouldn't be so shocked.  I used to walk in on Mom and Dad in the front hall all the time, back when they stayed in town for more than ten days at a stretch.  So, what do you think of our new teacher?

Daria:  He's all right.  (Lips quirk into a Mona Lisa smile and she changes her voice to imitate his tone)  And as you can see, passing a cord through a hole in a wooden beam does not a pulley make.  In fact it's barely a hoist.

Jane: (Giggles Slightly)  Gee, who would have thought that the pyramids weren't built with the help of large aquaducts that carried water through mountains and cliffs from Aswan to Giza, to power a hydraulic ram to lift the giant stones into place?

Daria:  (resuming her usual tone) Or that there weren't river locks of any sort on the Nile, Tigris, Euphrates, or Indus?

Jane:  Or that the Pyramids weren't used as beacons for UFOs?

Daria:  To Professor Benjamin Breeck, Master of the Obvious!

Jane:  Although I do think that Artie might be a little out of his depth with him.4

Daria:  That reminds me.  How is he going to afford those texts he put in the syllabus with Angela Li and her budget?

Cut to:
 

Scene: Carter County Mobile Home Park  Cut to one of the mobile homes with the lights on.  Silhouette of someone stirring something on a stove .  Cut to Interior of the mobile home.  Ben is stirring a wok, and miscellaneous vegetables, meat slices, and grains of rice are flying around in it.

Ben: (Thought Voice Over) That wasn't too bad.  But I think that Li's fears for her school might become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Ben stops stirring and removes the wok from the stove, turning it off.  He scoops some of what he has been making onto a paper plate, grabs a spoon, and walks over to the couch just outside the kitchenette.  While lifting his spoon to his mouth, he clicks the t.v. remote.

Sick Sad World Announcer:  Could the famous "Crocodile Hunter" in the land down under be a royal crock?  We'll find out when Sick Sad World returns!5

Ben: (Thought Voice Over) It gets better every year.  If only its accuracy was as good as its boldness.

Phone Rings on wooden pallet serving as a T.V. dinner table..  Ben picks it up.

Ben:  Hi, mom. (beat) Yes, I'm doing fine. (beat) Not too bad.  The faculty seems right out of a bad sitcom.  The principal is a control freak. (beat) Yes, worse than Herr Speer.6  She even tried to make me spy on the students during lunch break. (beat)  One of my fellows in the department is rather irritable. (beat) No, he would make Mr. Westrick look like Mr. Rogers.7  (beat)  Then there's this guy in English.  Makes Mr. Rogers look like Saddam Hussein.  I think there's something wrong with him. (beat)  I student taught worse.  (Slight smile, beat) I think there may be at least three people in my classes who want to learn.  (beat) Yes, that is unbelievable. (Beat) Yes, that cherry cheesecake was wonderful...8

Commercial Break. Stinger: just after looking inside the house.

Commercial:

Voice Over:  On the next episode of The New Teacher Series, Daria has a few doubts about Lawndale High's newest faculty member.

Scene: Pizza King.  Daria, Tom, and Jane are at their usual booth.

Daria:  There's something vaguely familiar about our new teacher.

Voice Over: And the class gets some new books.

Scene: The Classroom.  The class is glancing at copies of some paperbacks on their respective desks.

Jodie:  What is this book?

Voice Over:  All this and more, next week!

End Commercial
 
 

Scene:  Classroom, Mr. O'Neil is in front of the classroom, which is filled with students including Daria, Jane, Kevin, and Brittany.

Mr. O'Neil:  So, in Utopia, there really isn't such a thing as currency, and gold is used mainly for weighing down prisoners and slaves.  (as Daria raises her hand)  Yes, Daria?

Pan to Daria

Daria:  You might say they're sheckeled to their cells.

Cut back to Mr. O'Neil

Mr. O'Neil:  (chuckling a little) That's really funny, Daria.  You might consider doing a humor column for the Lawndale Lowdown.

Cut to Daria

Daria: I just might do it, the next time Hellheim burns down.9

Cut back to Mr. O'Neil

Mr. O'Neil: (missing the clue)  That's Great!  I'll tell Jodie.

Daria: (Thought Voice Over) Here we go again...

Mr. O'Neil: (Resuming his lecture)  The Utopians also think of pleasure as the goal of man, before virtue.  Of course they have a hierarchy of pleasures.  Sort of like the poetry rating system in that literature textbook in Dead Poets' Society.  Yes Kevin?

Cut to Kevin

Kevin: Wasn't that the one where Robin Williams played that messed up teacher?

Cut to a facefaulting Mr. O'Niel

Cut To:
 

Scene: Lawndale High School Hallway.  Daria and Jane are walking along in the hallway.

Daria: Well, It looks like I'm going to talk to Jodie and straighten things out.  I would have thought that Mr. O'Neil would have been a little more swift to that one.

Jane:  It could be worse.  He could have volunteered you for the jazz band.

Daria:  Right you are there, Jane.  I wonder what Mr. Breeck will say today.

Jane: (In her impersonation voice again)  And today we learn that the Nazca lines were made by cobbling boulders and combing sand in the desert, and they were not runways for extraplanetary craft. (Giggles)

Daria: (in her Mona Lisa smile)  Maybe Quinn should have him.  (Straight face again, pointing) Speak of the devil.

Pan across the hall to:

The Fashion Club (Sandi, Quinn, Tiffnay and Stacy) is collectively walking along.

Sandi: What's up, Quinn, I thought we were your friends.

Quinn: You are, but...

Sandi: But what?

Quinn: Well, I remember what Aaron said.  If I don't try to get good grades so that I can get into a good school so that I can make a lot of money, I won't be able to afford to stay fashionable.10

Tiffany: Even if it means associating with geeks and losers?

Quinn: Would you rather I have to buy generic brand shirts? Generic brand makeup?

Sandi:  No, but college is at least two years off.  Couldn't you wait a little?

Quinn:  No, I couldn't.  I need to get some studying done now.

Sand, Stacy, and Tiffany exchange looks, then nod their heads once.

Stacy: Then we have no choice.

Quinn: (Concerned Look on her face)  A forced Fashion Sabbatical?

Tiffany: Much worse.

Sandi: Like, we're ejecting you from the Fashion Club.

Quinn: (Begging) But I like it here, please let me stay.  I'll even wash your car.

Sandi: That's too, too bad.

Stacy and Tiffany, in chorus:  Later.

Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany turn on their heels and walk in a different direction.  Quinn starts bawling.  Pan back to Daria and Jane.

Daria: Gee, did you see what I think I saw?

Jane:  I think so.

Daria: I almost regret it.

Jane: Why is that?

Daria: Partially because it means that she'll have no more excuse to call me her cousin.  Partially it is because she got this for trying to stand up to the mess she was making of her life.  Mostly because I'll have to listen to her bawling through the paper thin walls separating our rooms.  (Mona Lisa Smile) Literally paper thin.  It's made from fake stucco.

Jane: Come on now.  Remember when you dressed up to steal away Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie?11

Daria: That's different.  Then she was trying to have her cake and eat it too.  Besides, I have to think about Tom.

Jane: Look on the bright side.  She'll probably take a couch trip with Mrs. Manson and may even get into Mr. O'Niell's self esteem class.

Daria: When my luck is good, it's wonderful.

Cut to:
 

Chez Pierre.  Daria and Tom are at a table, eating.

Daria: (Between Bites) And so you have it.  I now have Arthur Conan Doyle for a history teacher and Miss Caturwall for a sister.  If it were a Friday, I would stay at Jane's.

Tom: That's not too bad.  I keep having problems with Elise.  It's just the same old story.

Daria: But I'm worried.  This could either turn her into someone I might actually like having for a sister, or it could destroy her.

Tom: Some interest in the welfare of another.  Looks like you're a human being after all.

Daria: Not really.  It's just the sooner she gets over with this the fewer nights I'm up.  That's all.

Tom:  Daria, about that teacher, what do you know about him?

Daria: Next to nothing.  Why?

Tom: No reason.  Just trying to change the subject.

Daria:  I know.  I have a better idea for a subject.

They kiss.

Roll Credits.  Closing Theme: Intergalactic by the Beastie Boys.

Makeovers:
 

Ben as Sherlock Holmes

Mr. DiMartino as Swamp Thing

Daria as Wendy Thomas (Daughter of Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy's Hamburger Chain)

Jane as Elmyra Fudd from Tiny Toons

Quinn as a Race Car Driver

Angela Li as a Geisha

Jake as an Orchestra Conductor

The Fashion Club (minus Quinn) as a three-headed giant

Hellen as a lion tamer

Daria Logo
 
 

Notes:

1.  Yes, that really is how I look.

2. Frankfort High School Panthers Class of '93

3. Tom's car is way too big to be any sort of Jag, and Daimlers were never seen in the U.S., therefore it has to be a Granada

4. See The Lawndale File.

5. In real life, I like shows like Sick, Sad World, but I know that they are strictly fiction.

6. Middle School Principal.  You really don't want to know about him.

7.  Another bad experience I had in school.

8. Yes, This is really how I and my mom talk on the phone.

9.  Hellheim is the Norse Hell, and is as cold as Antarctica

10.  This is in reference to the events near the end of Is it Fall Yet?

11. See Quinn the Brain