(Montage teaser sequence. Music: Splendora -- "You're Standing On My Neck".

Lynn at her locker, converged upon by Stacy and the other cheerleaders [huddled into a protective knot formation] on one side and Brittany [dressed in a pink skirt and white T-shirt that looks like her cheerleading uniform but isn't] on the other.

Jane surrounded by a mid-sized group of children aged six through twelve, standing in front of the Lawndale Elementary School sign. She holds up a bag -- it is full of cans of spray-paint, a few tubes of Crazy Glue and several containers of glitter. The kids grin and reach into the bag.

Daria, Jane and Lynn walking down a Lawndale street, talking. They stop and turn as they hear a noise, and then a screaming AP staggers quickly past them, being dragged by a number of dogs -- a giant Rottweiler, a German Shepherd, a Great Dane, three Corgis, a Chihuahua and a pair of sickeningly cute Lhasa Apsos.

Jake on a used car lot, talking to a dealer. He pats a black 1982 two-door Toyota Tercel that looks like a good kick might reduce it to its component parts. Jake turns, grinning, to Daria, who is standing at a slight distance from the car, arms folded. She just shakes her head in something that's on the emotional scale between despair and disgust.

Daria and Jodie in a makeshift broadcast studio, talking into a mike. Visible through the soundproof glass behind them is Caldwell, looking strangely agitated. After a moment, his expression takes on a more worried look and he jogs out.

A deserted factory. Tiffany, dressed in white, peering blankly into a birdcage. Lying at the bottom is a dead bird. Upchuck approaches from behind her, his hair slicked back, dressed in black in best post-makeover tradition. He turns her around and they kiss deeply.

A men's room. O'Neill huddled into a ball on the floor, sobbing his pathetic little heart out. Four familiar pairs of boots walk into shot and stop in front of him. Pan up to the confused-looking Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP.

Daria and Lynn, side-by-side, looking at each other and giving the traditional Mona Lisa smile. Pan in and out to change to the TLAS logo. Writing in Daria font underneath reads...)


STAKE OF THE ART -- TLAS 5:11


(Scene: Chez Cullen living room. Music: Coal Chamber -- "What's In Your Mind?" The coffee table is all over bottles of Jolt, pizza boxes, bags of crisps, chocolates and various stuff one's parents wouldn't want one eating. Daria's on the easy chair in a far corner, Jane has secured a place on the sofa and AP's sprawled on his stomach on the floor, totally surrounded by video cassettes.)

Daria: Jane, I have no problem with you asking to be given the full "cute ex-cheerleader vampire hunter" experience. The problem I have is that you didn't warn me before, so I could check my excuse logs.

Lynn: (entering) So you'd lie to me to get out of this.

Daria: Well, not exactly lie; more like ... prevaricate.

Lynn: And the difference between the two is staggering. Look, Daria, if I have to go through this, then you're coming in with me.

Daria: So tell me what's going on now? So I can pretend I was paying attention.

Lynn: Buffy slays things, meets a guy she likes who turns out to be a vampire, starts angsting over him, gets briefly killed just before Prom, has a bit of a nervous breakdown, gets over it, goes back to slaying things and angsting over the vampire. And the Watcher turns out not to be the geek we thought he was.

Daria: Very succinct.

AP: But it drains all the drama out of it!

Daria: So much the better.

Jane: And I finally found out where that Giles and Amy the rat stuff comes from.

AP: (experiencing the horror) People ... wrote ... them...?

Jane: Yeah; and I thought it would have been more fun for the guy before she got changed to a rat.

AP: Art-Smart Scarlet!

Jane: My mind's settled down quite nicely in its gutter, thanks. I'm gonna go throw some night-gear on before we get going again.


(Scene: Lynn's room. Music plays on. Jane's standing near Lynn's door, digging through her bag. The door to Lynn's wardrobe is open and Daria's black skirt and her scrub-shirt is draped over it. The orange T-shirt joins them after a moment.)

Jane: It's not that bad, really.

Daria: It's "Dawson's Creek" meets Bram Stoker, Jane.

Jane: (smirk) And how would you know?

(The scrub-shirt disappears.)

Daria: I experienced the horror second-hand. I live with Quinn, remember?

(She steps out from behind the wardrobe door in normal nightwear, picks up her clothes from the top of the door, and shuts it.)

Jane: But imagine working on the makeup for that thing? Praying mantis women, big blue demons, mummified girls...

Daria: More fun than a barrel of offal.

Jane: Hey, but...

(Lynn flings the door open; it strikes Jane hard on the head. She falls backwards, hits her head on the wardrobe door and lays there stunned. Lynn and Daria huddle around her.)

Daria: You always kick open doors like the LAPD?

Lynn: You think I have X-ray vision to see her there through the door? Jane? You okay? Jane...?

(We do an extreme close-up on Jane's face. She blinks, and smash cut to...)


(Scene: the Zen. Music: Diesel Monkey [?] -- [Buffy theme]. Pan back to see Jane, dressed in blue jeans, a white T-shirt and a rose-red cardigan -- sort of a Jane-version of Buffy Summers' normal gear. She reaches to her belt under the sweater and finds a stake there. The other hand, creeping to her throat, finds a silver crucifix. Cue a very freaked Jane.)

Lynn: (OS) Janey! Over here!

(She looks over. Lynn's hair is pulled into two braids on either side of her head Stacy-style, and she wears jeans and a colourful sweater in best Willow tradition. AP is sitting next to her; his hair's somewhat tamed a la Xander and he wears a polo shirt and jeans. And with them is Guy. She walks over.)

Jane: What are you doing here?

Guy: You asked me to come when I showed up at your school, remember? (chuckle) Good thing I know how to find the place, cos I guess you'd have forgot to meet me too.

Jane: (officially freaked) I'm ... gonna go grab a soda. Guy ... just...

(She walks off towards the bar and a man dressed in a black duster turns around -- it's Tom, in a black button-up shirt and black jeans -- Angel-wear.)

Jane: OH!

Tom: (a little surprised at the reaction) Hey. I was hoping you'd show.

Jane: You're ... here. And doing ... things of the living.

Tom: You mean the drink? Yeah. I eat too. Not a nutritional thing -- that's the ... well, the other. But it passes the time; also lets me blend in.

Jane: (starting to get it) Oh. Learn something new every night. (beat) Or at least I do.

Tom: There's a lot to learn with me, I guess.

Jane: Yeah, no kidding. So ... what've you been up to lately?

Tom: Nothing.

Jane: Really. Is that the whole, "if a vampire feeds in the suburb and no one's there to hear the screams, it didn't happen" thing?

Tom: Janey...

(She turns and stalks off, going back to Lynn, AP and Guy.)

Guy: Guess you couldn't have been that thirsty. Or you were thinking of a good apology for ditching me.

(Enter Tom again.)

Lynn: Hi Rust.

Guy: (raised eyebrow) Yo.

Jane: This is Guy.

Lynn: He just moved down from Oakwood.

AP: Well, Lawndale's a fun place to live in, if you're sphagnum moss.

(Guy and Tom are shaking hands; Guy pulls back.)

Guy: Cold hands, no shit.

AP: You're not wrong.

Lynn: On both counts with the not-wrongness.

(The look that Guy and Tom are exchanging is very charged now.)

AP: Okay, one more time with tension!

(Enter Quinn, eyeing Guy and then Tom with something of a smirk on.)

Quinn: So who's the blue-haired freak? Rust, you're not friends with this, are you? I was sure you had taste...

(But Tom's vanished.)

Lynn: You two should do a prestidigitation act. You made him do the "now you see him, now you don't".

(Jane has an expression that reads, "this is way too weird" on her face. She turns to Guy.)

Jane: Why don't we just walk. I'm kind of sick of the whole club thing anyway.


(Scene: an alley. Music: Rollins Band -- "Monster". Jane and Guy walking.)

Guy: That the dude you used to...?

Jane: Yeah. Well, no. Well ... ask me something easy.

Guy: No problem. What's for fun around here?

(A scuffle is heard around the corner. Jane's hand flies by instinct to the stake in her belt.)

Jane: I ... think I left my purse. Back in there. Could you...?

Guy: But you don't carry a...

Jane: I did today, alright? Go!

(Guy shrugs and swaggers off. Jane runs around the corner and sees Jesse in full vamp-face menacing a very freaked-looking Angie.)

Jane: (mutter) This is wrong... (sigh) Thank God I've had training...

(She runs over to Jesse and punches him in the back of the neck, hard. He goes down. Angie flees. Jesse turns, gives her a way too pointy grin, and then swings a punch at her. She catches it on the jaw and delivers a kick to his midsection, sending him flying. He staggers to his feet, throws a trash can. Jane ducks it and goes for him, tackling him. She gets up before he can move and stakes him. She looks at what she's done for a moment and then turns ... to see Guy standing there.)

Guy: What's that all about?

Jane: ("Lie your way out of this...") Uh ... catfight?

Guy: You always lie so badly about the stake-and-ash?

Jane: ("If in doubt, play dumb.") The what and what?

Guy: The slayer deal. I know, right? It's cool.

END ACT 1 -- ADVERTS

Post Office -- This one deserves a mention just because it mocks Stelios, the Richard Branson wannabe who runs the cybercafe that was my favourite before he decided to screw the customers over.

Domestos OX -- Bleach that doesn't leave stains or smell weird. Implies that the man of any given house is ill-trained enough to squirt bleach cleaner the way he pisses. Probably a good call.

ACT 2
(Scene: Lane kitchen. Music: Red Hot Chili Peppers -- "Midnight". It's neater -- like someone other than kids live there. Jane's on the phone.)

Jane: So he knows. Which strikes me as a weird thing.

(Split-screen to Lynn's room. It's done in cream and is miles more cheerful than usual. However, the Cobain poster still dominates the wall above the bed.)

Lynn: And he came out with it like that?

Jane: Yeah, just like that. Said he saw me after a gig. Then talked to a guy who knew a guy. I'm betting that Ethan from the costume shop -- it's just the sort of mischief he'd love.

Lynn: Wow. It's ... what's the adjective to use here?

Jane: Surprising. But kind of cool, too. I mean, I don't have to hide stuff from this one. And let me tell you, it's about time I had someone like that. (beat) No offense, but...

Lynn: None taken. You want someone you can ... (smirk seen as well as heard) get with.

Jane: Lynn!

Lynn: What? You expected me to be the sweet and easily flustered type?

Jane: (confused blink) I guess I did, sort of.

(Lynn looks puzzled and then there's a knock at the window.)

Lynn: Hey, I have to go. Lateness of the hour and that. See you in the library tomorrow.

(She hangs up [to single screen]. Then opens the curtains to see Tom at the window.)

Tom: Hey. I needed to talk to you. (beat) Could I come in?

Lynn: Oh, the invitation thing. Yeah, come on in -- consider yourself invited.

(Tom comes in through the window -- by now, Lynn's across the room, arms crossed across her chest, looking at him.)

Tom: Did I come at a bad time?

Lynn: Not exactly. Just ... on several levels, Janey would kind of freak out about me having a vampire in general and this vampire in particular in my bedroom after hours.

Tom: Right. I came because ... well, I could use your help.

Lynn: My help. I'm taking it that this has nothing to do with homework, given that school is no longer a thing you have to worry about.

Tom: You're pretty good on that computer. I need you to track someone down.

Lynn: (infinite exasperation) Of course. I'm so the net girl. (moves to her computer) So whose privacy are we invading this time?

Tom: Guy Mann.

Lynn: Before we begin. Would you put the bite on me if I pointed out that this smacks of jealousy?

Tom: Whether or not I'm jealous, I do know people. And this one ... I have a gut feeling about this one. A bad gut feeling.

Lynn: (typing) Since you're not that much of an eater, I'll just say "smart gut". But if I can't find anything... (beat; frowning) Then I'll be a little bit unnerved.

Tom: Found something?

Lynn: Found nothing; that's the unnerving part. He hasn't had his school records transferred. Or even registered. Annnnd... (beat) No Mann listed in Lawndale. Look, this is going to take some time. Go ... do whatever it is you do. I'll let you know.

Tom: Mind not telling Janey about this?

Lynn: Oh, goodie. Lying to my best friend. You do know how to put a girl in a spot.


(Scene: LHS library. Music: Offspring -- "Staring at the Sun". Jane and Guy enter; Lynn's collecting a stack of books.)

Jane: Hey, Lynn! What's going on?

Lynn: (very much on the defensive) Why is it that people assume that there's something going on with me?

Jane: (raised eyebrow) I was just checking 'cos if you weren't doing anything, maybe we could hang. We were headed to the cafeteria.

Lynn: I was actually elsewhere-bound. Computer lab-bound. For schoolwork. So much as I'd like to sample the food-poisoning of the day, I'll have to decline. Hi Guy.

Jane: Okay, Lynn, out with it.

Lynn: (defensiveness increased) Out with what?

Jane: The new coffee recipe. We've talked about those ones off the Internet.

Lynn: Ha. Uh. (to Ford) Experiment with caffeine overdose. Nerve-inducing. (beat) I have to go. Away.

(She does, brushing past Daria, looking much as she saw herself doing in "Write Where it Hurts". Except that she wears a green tweed jacket. When she speaks, her accent is English -- she sounds a lot like Kes.)

Daria: Janey. Mr Lane and I are ... going to be out somewhere tonight. I procured a mobile phone so here's the number if you need me for any... (glances at Guy) ...study help. Just in the event of...

Jane: He knows, Morgen.

Guy: The slayage. I know.

Daria: Uh. Right. I see. Janey, could we... (pulls Jane aside) Janey, if you're giving away your secret identity to impress the boys -- and not particularly cute boys at that...

Jane: I didn't tell him. He found out through other channels. Now, do the relieved look, go and try the fun-thing and I'll try not to need you.


(Scene: LHS grounds, night. Music: Alice in Chains -- "Damn That River". Jane and Guy again.)

Guy: So this is your patrol, huh? It's ... nah, not gonna even try -- dull as shit.

Jane: Or not...

(She points out two vampires sneaking towards the main building -- Jack Paterson and Beth. They follow; Jane pulls a stake and a cross from her pockets, handing the cross to Guy, who pulls his own stake.)

Jane: Boy Scouts?

Guy: As if.

(Jack jumps Jane. Beth jumps Guy. He wrestles her around a corner. As we catch a glimpse of Jane decking Jack, we follow Guy, who slams her to the ground and poises the stake right over her heart.)

Guy: You've got a chance, fang-bitch. Answer me this one question and you go.

(Cut to Jane dispatching Jack. She jogs around the corner and sees Guy, sitting on the floor, panting.)

Jane: You got her?

Guy: Hell yeah. Dusted her old-school. (cough) That was cool, no shit.


(Scene: the wrong side of the tracks; an area in advanced stages of urban decay. Music: Depeche Mode -- "Waiting For the Night". AP, Lynn and Tom walking.)

Lynn: All I found were a bunch of e-mails to some guy called Vigo and an address for this Sunset Club place. Nothing incriminating. (beat) Then again, nothing at all.

Tom: No paper trail? No records? That's incriminating enough.

AP: Yeah, I'm going with Dead Boy on this one.

Tom: That's Rust.

AP: Yeah, whatever.

(They have reached Biers; the door is shut. Tom knocks and a peephole window slides open, revealing a familiar pair of wary eyes.)

Tom: We're friends of Guy's. He said we should come check the place out.

(A beat, then the window slides shut and the door opens.)


(Scene: Biers, int. Music: Lacuna Coil -- "Senzafine". The place is now full of burning candles, black crepe and gargoyles -- permanent Halloween decor covering a bomb-shelter architecture. The three move through the traditional mopeygoth crowd, watching and being watched.)

AP: Theme bar.

Lynn: Yeah. And the theme is "Vampires Yay".

AP: In this town. People're dumb.

(As they look around, Mara approaches them, with something of a leery smirk on.)

Mara: Ooh. Newbies.

Lynn: Not exactly -- we have ... experience with this kind of thing.

Mara: Hey, that's cool. We welcome anyone who's interested in the Lonely Ones.

Lynn: The Lonely Ones? (beat) Is that anything like the Kindly Ones?

Tom: Vampires.

AP: Oh. (beat) Well, they'd be less lonely if they hadn't got the "nasty pointy bitey ones" rep.

Mara: Oh, so many people buy into the bad press. They who walk with the night aren't that big on hurting people, actually...

(Lynn and AP start snickering. Tom just looks at her.)

Tom: Someone's been taking the stupid pills.

Mara: Jeez, get an open mind.

(She leaves. They share a look.)

AP: Kay ... the guy's dating the Slayer but hangs with vampire wannabes. This weird to anyone else?

Lynn: (to Tom) Can I tell her about the snooping now?


(Scene: LHS library. Music: REM -- "Suspicion". Daria pacing the library. Trent [slightly rumpled shirt, loosened tie, slacks; the epitome of "casual teacher"] leaning back in a chair in a corner. Jane sitting on a table.)

Jane: I wouldn't have interrupted your little ... whatever you're calling it, but this was weirdness.

Daria: (almost fervent) And you did entirely the right thing, absolutely. Vampires on campus ... there could be very grave implic...

Trent: You could've just said if you hated it so much.

Daria: I didn't really have time to hate it conclusively. And after all, everyone should experience monster trucks just once.

Jane: Morgen? At monster trucks? If naked models were involved, I'm going to be very disappointed in both of you.

Trent: We could've left.

Daria: But then we would have missed the best part of the show. Nitro burning funny cars are the thing this year.

Jane: This is really funny and it's giving me Morgen-teasing fodder for the next three months, but can we get back to the crisis I said I wasn't going to have? I mean, they were here for a reason and they saw Guy. He may've bagged a vamp his first time out, but he's a rookie and...

(And Beth jumps at her from the office, a book under her arm. She grabs Daria and tosses her across the room into Jane and Trent, knocking them both over. She disappears through the stacks.)

Trent: Janey? Daria? Y'okay?

Daria: It took one of my books. Well, at least someone in this town is reading.

Jane: He said he killed it. That's the one Guy said he staked.

Daria: But why would he lie about something like that?


(Scene: a deserted factory. Music: Nine Inch Nails -- "The Perfect Drug". Tiffany, dressed in white, is peering blankly into a birdcage. Lying at the bottom is a dead bird.)

Tiffany: Hellooooo... (beat) Why won't you sing for me anymore? Don't you like me anymore? (beat) Is it because this dress makes me look fat?

(Upchuck approaches from behind her, his hair slicked back, dressed in black in best post-makeover tradition. He turns her around and they kiss deeply.)

Upchuck: Good evening, my source of endless desire. I heard that you went out without me the other night...

Tiffany: (still focused on the bird) My stomach was making funny noises. You were out somewhere. (to the bird) If you don't sing, I'm going to pout. And that will give me wrinkles. And that would be soooo wrong.

Upchuck: My divine mistress of darkness, you can't get wrinkles. You're a vampire now.

Tiffany: (to the bird) I'll take away your mirror if you don't sing...

Upchuck: The bird's dead, Tiff. We got so ... (ahem) busy that you didn't feed it and it passed on, like the last one. Ah, such an insatiable woman...

Tiffany: Buuuuuut...

Upchuck: Oh, my deadly nightshade, I crave your forgiveness. I am a bad, rude man, and I deserve to be ... (leer) punished. (moves in for the kiss.) Would you like to give me what I deserve?

Guy: (OS) Nice place.

(They both turn, Upchuck vamping out, as Guy moves down towards them. Beth tails along behind him.)

Guy: Yeah, I can see myself living here. (beat; pointing to the rolly ramp) Do you ever slide down that thing? Cos that's about where I draw the line.

Upchuck: Now, Tiffany, my dark heart, this means one of two things. It either means that all of my security people have fallen asleep on the job ... or you'll not have to venture out for awhile.

(He steps up to Guy, the vamp face still on, grinning.)

Guy: You're Red, right? Charles the Nauseating?

Upchuck: That's Charles the Bloody, deathwish-boy. And I'd like to know how you got in here because some mortal finding my hideout and interrupting my frolic upsets me.

(Beth, still clutching her book, looks kind of agitated.)

Guy: The Slayer upsets you more, right? Like "you want her dead" upset?

Upchuck: (trying to hide the interested look) I'm listening...

END ACT 2 -- ADVERTS

Blast -- A sort of BBC talent search. When a broadcasting company is perpetually advertising to get new ideas and talent, you know that their ratings are in the toilet.

Next on TLAS -- Jake uses Daria's desire to buy herself a car as a basis for bonding in "Wheels of Fortune".

ACT 3
(Scene: Jane's room -- all artwork conspicuously absent. Music: Amanda Ghost -- "The Wrong Man". Tom appears at her window.)

Tom: Can I come in? (to the look) I know I've been invited; I was just being polite.

(Jane waves him in. He enters.)

Jane: What now?

Tom: It's Guy. He's not who he says he is.

Jane: No one I know ever is.

Tom: Lynn checked him out. We didn't find much, which was suspicious enough for us to check out what little we did find, which was an address. When we went out there with AP...

Jane: So you dragged Lynn and AP into this? I haven't seen conspiracy this big since the JFK thing.

Tom: Guy's part of a society that practically worships vampires. Which makes me wonder what he wants with you.

Jane: I'm supposed to trust you?

Tom: That's up to you. But whether or not you trust me ... you can't trust him.


(Scene: LHS corridor. Music plays on. Jane at her locker. Guy approaches.)

Guy: Hey. Cool night last night. Well ... interesting, anyway.

Jane: Yeah. Glad you found something that makes this place a little less snore-worthy.

Guy: Wanna try for less "interesting" and more "date-like"?

Jane: I'd check my datebook, but I don't have one. So sure.

Guy: I'm kinda planning a surprise. Meet me at that condemned burger joint downtown?

Jane: Cos nothing says "I like you" like the memory of CJD.

Guy: (chuckle) Good one. So, nine?

Jane: Yeah, whatever.

(She walks off. Guy smirks and wanders off himself.)


(Scene: LHS corridor; Lynn's locker. Music plays on. Lynn and AP hanging out as Lynn restacks her locker. Jane approaches.)

Lynn: Hey. You talked to...

Jane: Yeah. He told me everything.

Lynn: I'm sorry. He did ask me to keep this from you, but it's not like I had to listen. It was just that he was worried when he came to my room. I didn't say anything cos I hoped we were wrong.

Jane: Yeah ... well ... it's okay.

AP: So any clue as to what the guy's up to?

Jane: Just call me Janey Holmes. The game's a...stake.

(Off she goes. AP and Lynn exchange a look.)

AP: Dead-boy was in your room? Your bedroom?

Lynn: (dry) Ours is a forbidden love.


(Scene: Biers. Music: Regurgitator -- "The Man". Guy's pacing around in front of Mara and Casey. Mara's in her perpetual way-too-short leather skirt and a wine-red corset. Casey's in black leather trousers, a white ruffly shirt and a black cloak. This look does not suit him.)

Guy: You didn't ask for a password or anything? Damn, Vigo, what's with you?

Casey: (mutter) Jeezman, I gotta do ev'rythin?

Mara: This isn't gonna change anything, is it? I so want this. That Charles the Bloody guy has got to give it to me.

Guy: It's gonna be cool.

Jane: (OS) Guess again, vamp-boy.

(They look up. Enter Jane; she walks down the stairs and faces Guy.)

Jane: I just couldn't contain my curiosity. It's a flaw I have.

Guy: We've all got 'em.

Jane: Yeah, I figured that one out. Guess yours is being a lying schmuck. (beat) This is the part where you tell me you have some kind of incurable disease and have to have immortality so I get all torn inside like we're all going to be outside when the toothy ones come in.

Guy: Nope. Just I don't wanna die. Ever. And now I'm not gonna have to.

Jane: Jeez; you're gonna be the bad guy, you could at least present me with a moral dilemma here. (beat) You don't seem Red's type, and vampires are picky about who they change -- if not who they kill. So I'm guessing there was trade-off. Me for immortality, am I right?

Guy: Since you've got it all worked out, I'm gonna shut up.

Jane: No you're not; I wanna know how. You were gonna lure me into Mad Cow Central and leave me there for them?

Guy: No. I was gonna wait for you to figure that out, then lure you here with the special rigged door that only opens from out there. Then wait for sunset and Red. They eat you ... they turn us.

(Jane hits him, hard.)

Mara: Back off, freak! This is what we want!

Jane: You want to be the chef's special at the moron buffet.

Casey: Shut'er up; she's tainting us.

(Jane turns on him with righteous fury.)

Jane: I'm trying to talk sense into you! You know squat about being turned. What makes you you dies and goes to whatever afterlife there is and a demon takes squatting rights in your body and no one seems to get that and damn, could you have a dorkier outfit?

Casey: S'a look...

Guy: I'm gonna miss your sense of humour, Janey.

(Jane smacks him hard. He goes flying, hits a pillar, and goes down like a sack of wet cement.)

Jane: Guy ... learn when to shut up. (to the crowd) Look, do you people understand that this place is now a death-trap? If we barricade the door, maybe we can...

(The door opens. Enter Upchuck, with his cronies and Tiffany in tow. He comes face to face with Mara, who steps over to him, not sure what to think. She knows to think "run screaming into the night" when he grabs her by the throat, leers at her and goes in for the bite.)

Jane: (OS) Hey Red! Mess with that one, and I mess with this one!

(He turns to see Jane holding Tiffany hostage, with a stake at her heart.)

Upchuck: Everybody STOP!

Jane: Everyone breathing leaves, or Ms Dim-Witty gets last rites in a snuff box.

Tiffany: (typically dull) Reeeeeeeed...? Will a stake make me look fat?

Upchuck: You'll have no occasion to find out, dark angel. (beat; to the cronies) Drop the buffet, boys.

(The cronies comply and the goths leave in a great tearing rush. Casey grabs Mara up and helps her out. Jane heads for the door herself, still carrying Tiffany.)

Jane: (as if talking to a pet) Now stay ... staaaaay ... good vamps.

(When she hits the door at the top of the stairs, she throws Tiffany over the side -- Upchuck catches her -- and slams the door shut. Upchuck puts Tiffany down gently and runs up to the door. It's locked.)

Upchuck: Someone find the blue-haired git.

(Two vampires find Guy, who's groaning and getting to his feet.)

Guy: What's the word?

Upchuck: We're stuck in the basement.

Guy: Janey?

Tiffany: She's noooot stuck in the basement.

Guy: But I still get turned, yeah? I did what I said.

(Upchuck grins nastily and the entire group advance on him. Pan to the top of the stairs, where Jane's watching through the little window in the door.)

Tom: (OS) Janey?

(Jane turns; cut to outside the door, where Tom, Lynn and AP are standing behind her.)

Jane: Way to be fashionably late, guys. I thought you didn't do that kind of thing.

Tom: It's not like you gave us an invitation, you know.

Lynn: So I guess there are vampires in there?

Jane: They'll make it out sooner or later, so we'd better bail. We of the living can come back when the sun's up and they're gone.

AP: What do we want to do that for?

Jane: For the body.


(Scene: a cemetary. Music: Neon Genesis Evangelion OST -- "Marking Time Waiting for Death". Daria and Jane stand at Guy's grave.)

Jane: It sucks. The more I know people, the less I know people. And the more people know me, the weirder it gets.

Daria: That's growing up for you.

Jane: Maybe vampirism has perks. You don't grow old.

Daria: But you do grow up. Rust is ample proof of that.

Jane: Damn you for robbing me of my brief moment of delusion.

(Guy bursts from the grave, fully vamped, and Jane stakes him without a word. She and Daria turn and walk off, not watching as he ashes.)

Jane: Does life ever get less complicated?

Daria: (raised eyebrow) What do you want me to say?

Jane: Do what everyone seems to have done lately -- lie to me.

Daria: (dry monotone, obvious sarcasm) Of course it does. Life is actually very simple. Good guys are stalwart and true. The bad guys can be easily spotted by their pointy horns or teeth, or black hats in a pinch. And we always beat them and save the day. Nobody ever dies ... and everyone lives happily ever after.

(Fade out as we hear Jane say...)

Jane: (weary affection) Liar...


(Scene: Lynn's room. Jane sprawled on the floor, with Daria and Lynn [back to normal] hovering over.)

Daria: What did she say?

Lynn: Does it matter? She's talking, which means she's coming to ... Jane?

Jane: (blurred) Five more minutes, Morgen ... it was a late patrol...

(Daria and Lynn exchange a look.)


(Scene: Cullen living room. Music: Red Hot Chili Peppers -- "Throw Away Your Television". Jane is reclining on the sofa with an icepack on her forehead.)

AP: Janey the Vampire Slayer, huh? I dunno -- aren't I more Willow than Xander?

Jane: It was the weirdest thing. Mostly I was just watching it from inside -- like I only had a little bit of control -- and then sometimes it was like watching the show, all from the outside.

AP: Been there, done that. (beat; didactic as Buffy expert) You went through "Lie to Me". That Rust guy lied to you big. So'd Purple Peril, when she had to. So she got cast as waaaay-innocent Willow.

Lynn: And you don't know from Goat-boy.

Daria: After everything that's gone on, it's not surprising that you'd wonder who you can trust. Your mind is trying to work things out for you, is all.

Jane: (morose) So if I'm reading this right, I have to dump Guy because he's going to turn on me if...

Daria: You're just worried about what will happen if people know about the last year or so. How differently they'll treat you. I guess the solution is to never let him know.

Jane: It's not like I was really considering telling him...

Lynn: It's hard, though, keeping it from someone you care about. I'm sorry, Jane.

Jane: What are you sorry for? God, Lynn, having a secret adds to that feminine mystique that guys go nuts over. It's a good thing, really.

Lynn: (weary affection) Liar.

(On the shared smirk, fade out.)


END


ENDNOTES

Cast of Characters -- I don't know where exactly this sick and twisted idea came from, but it might have had something to do with one reread of "Sculptures" too many. And the ability to use Upchuck and Tiffany the way I have was too much to resist. So here's who we're looking at for the uninitiated.

Jane -- Buffy
Daria -- Giles
Lynn -- Willow
AP -- Xander
Quinn -- Cordelia
Tom -- Angel
Upchuck -- Spike
Tiffany -- Drusilla
Trent -- Jenny Calendar

Plotline -- Like the man said -- "Lie to Me". Some of the lines are ripped straight from the script, but most of them have been changed to suit the characters better.

Giles and Amy the rat -- I wish this was some kind of 'Net legend, but I have the existence of this apparently sexual fic from a very reliable source ... or at least one that wouldn't dare lie to me.

The Kindly Ones -- See the Sandman graphics. And thanks to Caira for the suggestion for that line change.

Naked models -- When the monster trucks came out in this one, could I resist the "It Happened One Nut" ref?


NOTES OF THANKS

This one's to Caira and Lew, my two fave Daria/Buffy crossover writers. I'd never have had the idea or the guts to carry it out without that lot.


OBLIGATORY LEGAL BLAP

Daria Morgendorffer et al are the creations of Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn but are owned by MTV, a Viacom company, copyright 1997, 2000. [Apparently, this is possible by 'work for hire', a concept that eludes me.] Lynn Cullen, AP McIntyre, Mara Fitzgerald, and any other character you don't recognise from any ep, on the other hand, were created and are owned by me, one Janet 'Canadibrit' Neilson, copyright 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002. Touch my characters without consulting me and it will go hard with you. All cameos used with permission, though by this point they're more characters in their own rights. This is a "substantially transformative" derivative work, apparently [what a highfalutin way to say fanfic], and is protected by the Supreme Court's decision in re Campbell v. Acuff Rose Music, so keep the copyright notice where it is and don't post it for money. If you do so without my permission and that of MTV Networks, I WILL pull a Lynn Cullen on you. And then I'll call lawyers.