(Opening montage. Music: "You're Standing On My Neck" - Splendora.

LHS corridor. Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP by the lockers. As one body, they facefault and turn their heads to look at something out of shot. Lynn flicks her wrist, producing a knife, and dashes out of shot.

Football field, near the bleachers. Kevin and Brittany arguing. AP, sitting in the bleachers wearing a LHS marching band uniform and a completely disgusted expression, picks up a large pair of cymbals and smashes them together right near Kevin and Brittany's ears.

Pizza King. Quinn sitting at a table, sobbing with rage. Lynn looks at her, eyebrow raised in what is, for her, sympathy, and hands over a book. Quinn looks at the cover and stops crying as her face slowly brightens to an evil smirk.

AP's room. AP completely engrossed in a video game. Daria watches him play for a moment, disgust in her face, then starts digging through his cabinets.

LHS corridor. Mrs Bennett opens a door to reveal a broom closet in which Lynn and AP are making out; Lynn and AP break off a kiss as the door opens. They look at Bennett for a moment, then Lynn gives a wide grin and shuts the door in her face.

Morgendorffer front hallway. Jake going completely ballistic at Jerome, who is standing on the front step and looking at Jake in a manner that suggests that he's two seconds from calling the men in white coats. Then Jake takes a swing at Jerome.

The Zen. Daria, Jane, AP, Andrea, Guy, Casey and Mara at a table. Upchuck is leering at Mara, who regards him for a moment and then pulls him forward by the collar and kisses him hard, mouth open. When she lets go, Upchuck falls over in a dead faint. Jane looks extremely impressed.

Lane front door. Jane [in artist's smock and beret] and Jodie [ratty jeans, baggy T-shirt, clipboard, pencil behind her ear] open the door to find Quinn standing there wearing a seirafuku and a hopeful expression.

Biers. Someone has set it on fire; Lynn and Daria are wielding fire extinguishers that were probably new in 1931 [they contain water and you have to hand-pump them], trying to control the worst of the flames.

Daria and Lynn side-by-side again, smirking slightly. As the original montage sequence, the camera pulls in and then out again to reveal two interlocking circles; one contains the Daria logo and the other contains a corresponding 'Lynn' version. Writing underneath in the Daria font reads, "Daria in...")


A Daria Fan Fiction - [TLAS 4:13]

(Scene: Ruttheimer household, ext. The door opens and a dark-haired man with Upchuck's angular face and less prominent but still there freckles leans out to fetch the paper. He is pale and unshaven with dark circles under his eyes; he obviously hasn't slept in awhile. He stops mid-lean; pan to the paper, upon which lies an envelope reading "The Ruttheimer Family". He picks it up and opens it, then stares at the contents - a great many $100 bills, and a note. He pulls it out and unfolds it. Computer printed in fairly large block capitals are the words "FOR YOUR SON". Mr Ruttheimer blinks at the envelope, then picks up the paper and takes both missives inside.)

(Scene: The Blue Motorcycle, San Francisco, CA. Warlock's room. Music: Shin Seiki Evangelion - Harbinger of Tragedy. Warlock in bed, sprawled out, dead to the world ... at least, until his phone rings. He mutters briefly, fumbles for it, and picks up.)

Warlock: (dead tired) Ohayo, 's Warlock (beat) WHAT? (he pops to his feet, instantly awake) Slow down! ... Okay. Who? Where? Shit. (he blinks rapidly) I won't insult you by asking if you're sure. (beat) Not the worst, what the fuck do you mean...? (beat) Oh shit. You don't think... yeah, me neither. (beat) I have to get the word out. I'll be in touch.

(He gets up, but before he gets two steps, his phone rings again.)

Warlock: (answering) Warlock. (beat) Slack. Didn't expect... (beat) Not since she left, why? (beat) Aw crap. I'll be in touch. (he hangs up)

(Cut to: Warlock, standing in hallway barefoot, pounding on a door. Music plays on.)

Scar: (OS, peeved) WARLOCK. This better be important.

Warlock: Um. Four of our top people are, respectively, missing, dead, missing, and overdue.

Scar: (bt) Eap. That counts.

Pagebert: (appearing behind Warlock) What are you talking about? And what are we going to do?

Warlock: What we're going to do is go down to Lawndale and collect the Twisted Pair and associates. I'll explain on the way. Pack up and lock up, we may be away for a while. (he strides away dialing)

(Scene: LHS parking lot. Music: "Goodbye Cruel World - Cold. Charles Ruttheimer II (henceforth, CR2) standing near the school, scanning the students. AP approaches the Merc and CR2 facefaults before saying the first thing that comes to mind.)


(AP jumps a foot in the air, comes down running, and gets five steps before tripping over a bootlace and falling flat on his face. He looks up to see CR2 standing over him, looking not entirely bemused but quite worried.)

CR2: (staring down at AP) I'm not ... um... going to hurt you or anything...

AP: Oh! (beat; coverup) Oh, no, of course you're not. You just ... kinda freaked me, that's all. (beat) Who're YOU, anyway?

CR2: (extending hand to help AP up) Charles Ruttheimer the II. (bt) How did you know I meant you?

AP: (oops expression) Uh... I didn't. I just got outta English and we're doing Poe. I get jittery after horror junk. (beat) Soooooooo ... you DID mean me. What can I do you for?

CR2: Given that you look like my (voice break) son... and after what just happened to him...

AP: Why come to me?

CR2: You look like him. You were on that trip. And I got this. (brandishes money envelope, now empty)

AP: Uhhhhhhhhh...

CR2: Is someone mad at you or something?

AP: Uhhh ... (puppy-dog eyes, sickly attempt at innocent grin) Who'd be mad at ME? (beat) Well, except for Bitter Pill, but the glassware was crap ANYWAY.

CR2: (non seq) HUH?

AP: Never mind. Uh, not really, no, no one's mad at me. No.

CR2: Really. (beat) I think that bullet was meant for you. I'm not mad... I just want to know why.

AP: Uhhhhhhhh...

Lynn: (from behind him) Watch the X-Files much, sir?

CR2: Dah! (spins) Who're YOU?

Lynn: Who wants to know?

AP: He's Hef... er... Upc... uh... Charles Ruttheimer's dad.

Lynn: Ah. (beat) Condolences.

CR2: (grim) I don't want condolences... I want explanations. I want to know why my son went to Houston in a bus and came back in a body bag.

Lynn: And you think HE knows?

CR2: He was on that trip. He looks like my son. And I got this. (brandishes envelope)

Lynn: (raises an eyebrow) It's empty.

CR2: It HAD over ten thousand in cash in it. And THIS. (waves note) It feels like an apology. What I want to know (rounds on AP again) is an apology for WHAT.

AP: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

(Lynn notices gathering crowd)

Lynn: (sigh) Sir ... maybe you should discuss this with AP elsewhere.

CR2: (looks around) When? Where?

Lynn: Arrange that with AP. He's in the phone book. (literally drags AP into the car and drives off.)

(CR2 stands in the crowd of curious students, staring after the Merc, looking VERY confused.)

CR2: What's his last... (trails off) name.

(Scene - the Merc int. Music plays on.)

AP: You want me to TALK to him?

Lynn: We'll prepare you a statement. I do not want us going here. (sigh) Damn. I guess none of the Ruttheimers are stupid.

(Scene: Tom's room [we now know what it looks like - well the US people do, anyway...] Some papers are strewn idly on the bed. Tom, mostly asleep, enters the room with a mug of coffee, sipping as he moves. He sits down on the bed, sets the coffee down and sprawls out face-first, sipping his coffee idly. It doesn't seem to be doing him any good, and as he sets down his cup for the third time, he lands face-first in his homework papers and falls asleep.)

Kay: (OS from downstairs) Who the hell made decaf?

(Scene: Chez Cullen, ext. Music: "The Trick Is To Keep Breathing" - Garbage. Lynn steps out of the house, backpack slung over one shoulder. As she locks the door behind her...)

Mara: (OS) Hey.

(Lynn turns. Mara stands at the end of the walk in blue jeans, a black T-shirt [bearing picture of the devil and the words, "God is busy. Can I help you?"] and a red checked flannel shirt. She's done only the average amount of mascara and lipstick. Her hair is back in a ponytail. She looks normal. Nervous and upset, but normal.)

Lynn: Hey. (beat) Trying to prove a point about the Nympho-Goth cracks?

Mara: (very small, very brief smile) Nah. Just a comfort thing. I guess I'm in a Cobain state of mind.

(Lynn regards Mara very carefully.)

Lynn: What are you doing here at this time of day? Don't you have school?

Mara: Ditched. Most of my teachers won't care. The whole school knows what happened to Red and they're cutting me severe slack. (beat) Can you ditch?

(Lynn looks at Mara. The look on Mara's face speaks volumes about why she's asking Lynn to ditch. Then she sighs and re-opens her front door, flings her backpack into it and slams it shut. As she locks it, we can just see Mara's weak but grateful smile.)

(Scene: bigwhitevan. Warlock, in shotgun seat, hangs up his phone.)

Warlock: Dammmmmn.

Pagebert: (from back seat) Whaaaaaat?

Warlock: Rat's gone.

Pagebert: What?

Warlock: Mr. Exotic Weapons Master. Texas State Police are swarming over his place. Apparently there's about twelve dead bodies in there.

Pagebert: So we can't stick the kids there?

Warlock: No, and neither can we tap his armoury.

Scar: (turning away from the wheel) Well...

Warlock & Pagebert: (in unison, panicked) EYES ON THE ROAD! EYES ON THE ROAD!

Scar: (looking forward) Will you guys RELAX? I'm not Aph, you know. (beat) Seriously, we haven't lost all of it. What we DID lose was the safest place we could have hoped to stash the kids.

(Short pause)

Warlock, Scar, Pagebert: (unison) Dammmmmn.

END ACT 1 - ADVERTS [Lead-in - Warlock hammering on the door, AP turning to run and tripping, Tom falling asleep, Lynn turning to see Mara.]

Volkswagen: There's a Pitchshifter track! Advertising Volkswagen! SACRILEGE!

Atlantis: The Leopard on the street says, "It's Disney! It's PG! It's got no cheesy musical numbers! And the male lead is a pale scrawny guy - yum!" I think that means it's good...

(Scene: LHS cafeteria. Daria looking around nervously. AP idly picking at his poor excuse for meat loaf, lost in thought. Jane sketching something.)

Daria: Have either of you seem Lynn anywhere?

AP: (not really paying attention) Mmmnope.

Jane: (absorbed) No, but if you see her, could you ask her where one could get their hands on a few pounds of plastique and a good-sized sheet of titanium?

(Daria looks askance at them, then goes on.)

Daria: I haven't heard from her since yesterday. And she's not in school. (beat; "why are they not worried about this?") And I haven't seen Tom yet today either.

Jane: (still sketching) Guess they're together. Now, what colour do you think goes best with powder burns?

AP: (still not focusing) I'll call after that meeting at Starbucks with Mr R.

(Daria sighs and goes back to worrying in silence.)

(Scene: Fitzgerald kitchen, int. Music: "Sometimes She Cries" - Warrant. Lynn and Mara sit side-by-side at a breakfast bar, plain cheese pizza in front of them. Lynn is looking sidelong at Mara, a little surprised.)

Lynn: Why'd you come to ME?

Mara: (toying nervously with her pizza) Well, I don't have a lot of chick friends. (to the look) Okay, I don't have ANY chick friends. And even if I DID, you think someone like Jenny Malloy would understand about ... THAT?

Lynn: Which 'that', exactly?

Mara: Don't bullshit me, Lynn. You've had that thing with the geek-ball for years. LITERALLY years. And let's not even talk about the hundred-mile stare.

Lynn: That obvious, huh?

Mara: Well, word gets around. Even freaks have a mill. We heard about your principal going psycho. (beat) That won me a hundred bucks, by the way, so I should maybe thank you.

Lynn: (wry) You had bets on that too, huh?

Mara: The psychotic are always a good betting event. Matt Templeton won seventy-five on the geek-ball getting kicked out - it was less than it should've been cos HE said Honson'd be the first to crack.

(Silence for a moment)

Lynn: There ... doesn't have to be this reminiscent lead-in, you know.

Mara: Look, Lynn ... I'd never got into a ... thing before. A relationship, you know. It was always just .. guys. And then I met Red. And THEN when I was just starting to maybe LOVE the little red-headed freak, he gets his head blown off. (slight choked sob) Why does life suck so bad?

Lynn: (slight alarm) You're not going to cry ... are you?

Mara: (defensive sniffle) Hell no. Not over some GUY. I mean ... that'd be really sad ... right?

(Lynn raises an eyebrow, gives an exasperated sigh and reaches over, hugging Mara.)

Lynn: (very quiet) Cry if you have to, you stupid bitch. You're human.

(Mara draws back, wide-eyed and mascara a little bit leaky.)

Mara: YOU'RE saying that. YOU.

Lynn: Invitation accepted? Or declined?

(Mara stares for a moment longer. Then she lets out a full-voiced sob and buries her face in her hands. Lynn sighs and hugs her again.)

(Scene: Morgendorffer residence, upstairs. Camera track on Daria, following her into her room, as she slings her backpack on her bed and clicks on her computer. As it boots, she digs out her homework. Frame shot on the screen; the mouse pointer hovers between word processor and Internet signon. She clicks to sign on and opens up her email. Angle on her face as her eyes widen in shock.)

(fade to Fitzgerald's, Mara's room. Lynn sitting at desk chair pulled up by Mara's bed, where Mara's facedown, sobbing her eyes out. Suddenly Lynn's phone bleeps.)

Lynn: (looking to her hip, pulls the phone off the belt and looks at it) Huh. Didn't even ring. (she punches a few buttons. Angle on her face as her eyes widen in shock.)

(Split screen over to Daria at her computer.)

Daria/Lynn: (as one) Oh SHIT.

(Scene: Lawndale Street [near Pizza King]. AP walks into shot; as he passes the mouth of a narrow, shadowed alley, a pair of pale hands shoot out and he is dragged into the shadows before he even has time to cry out.)

(Scene: the alley. Music: "Eraser" - Nine Inch Nails. AP has a look on his face that screams 'oh crap, not again' as a gun is pointed at his head by a very steady hand.)

Gunman: (OS; no emotion) You killed Billy.

AP: (blink; "file not found") Wh ... who's BILLY?

Gunman: (OS; drawing it out) William ... Loman ... Jensen.

(AP twigs at the surname, eyes widening in understanding and fear as he starts to stammer.)

AP: But ... but ... but ... but he DESERVED it! He was ... I mean, he ... well... YOU DIDN'T SEE WHAT HE DID TO MY GIRLFRIEND!

Gunman: (OS; perfectly composed) No. I saw what you did to my brother.

AP: ("I am SO dead...") Y ... your...?

Gunman: (OS) He didn't kill her. But you killed him.

AP: Y ... yes.

Gunman: (OS; just stating a fact) Then you see my position.

AP: (resigned sigh) Okay. Fine. Just ... just don't go after Purple Peril; that's all I ask. (beat) Y ... you know who she is, right?

Gunman: (OS; by rote, as if off internal list) Lynn Jaquenetta Cullen Smythe. Age 18. Brown hair, recently with bangs, grey eyes, commonly seen wearing purple...

AP: Okay, okay, you know! Just ... don't hurt her. Ever.

Gunman: (OS; nearly audible shrug) Fair enough.

(He cocks the weapon; AP closes his eyes ... and a car motor is heard approaching the mouth of the alley. AP looks to see BWV parked across the street from the alley mouth, with Pagebert getting out. The gun is gone from AP's head very suddenly)

Gunman: (OS; still no trace of emotion) Another time.

(Brief footsteps, then utter silence bar streetnoise. AP slowly fishes his Maglite out of his pocket, turns it on and shines it around the alley. It's a dead end; there's a fire escape but the access ladder is up and all the windows are shut.)

AP: (very scared) Eeeeeeeeeeee...

Pagebert: (OS) Maverick? That you?

AP: (jumping in utter panic) EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Pagebert: (stepping into view) Hey, Maverick, what are you doing in h... (gets a good look at AP's face) You okay?

AP: (brain freeze) I .. I killed Billy.

Pagebert: (blink) Say what?

AP: J-jensen.

Pagebert: (getting concerned now) Yes. Yes, you did. This is a GoodThing (tm).

AP: His ... his brother doesn't think so...

Pagebert: (getting really alarmed) His...

AP: Tall thin pale guy; mouse-brown hair. All in black. Gun (mimes it out) to head. Revenge thing.

(Pagebert's eyes widen and he draws his sidearm, scanning the area. Then he takes the still-shellshocked AP by the arm and leads him away.)

(Scene: Lawndale street. Music plays on. Pagebert leads AP to the back of BWV and goes to open the doors.)

AP: (trying to make his brain work) Who ... I mean, how ... I mean ... eee...

Pagebert: (looking nervously at the alley) Get in.

AP: Wh-where are we...?

Pagebert: Out of here. Now IN.

AP: But ... but ... but...

Pagebert: You sound like Narcissa.

AP: (indignance briefly overriding panic) HEY!

(Pagebert shoves AP into the back of BWV and slams the doors shut after him. Then he takes one last look at the alley.)

Pagebert: (under his breath) Oh the Maverick's SCREWED...

(Then he gets into the van and takes off.)

END ACT 2 - ADVERTS [Lead-in: Daria looking askance at Jane and AP, Lynn hugging Mara, AP with the gun to his head and his eyes closed, Pagebert shutting the van doors and then looking back]

Next in The Look-Alike Series...

Someone's trapped by old enemies...

(Scene: a darkened room. We just about recognise DJ huddled in a corner; face-down on the floor in front of her is a short young woman with brown hair. A mid-height young man with sandy hair is kneeling over her, looking at a wound in her side - there's blood everywhere.)

Male Voice: (OS from behind) So what's the verdict, Doc? Can you patch her up enough to let us grill her?

Doc: She's a human being, not a ... a ... fraying pair of jeans! She needs more medical attention than I can give - hospital care - or she is going to die.

Male Voice: She's a Smythe. Do you think we care?

Someone's a traitor...

(Scene: a darkened parking lot. Tom stands in the light of a streetlamp, face grim, hand on his sidearm.)

Tom: I know what you are.

And someone's going to have to do a lot of fast talking...

(Scene: Slack's office. Warlock and Lynn face off across a chess board.)

Warlock: Look what taking on too much did to your family.

Lynn: That's the whole point. My family; my revenge.

... to keep the Family alive.

(Scene: a small bare room. Quinn has a bow in her hand and a set-jawed but petrified look on her face.)


Anglo-Canadian studios in association with Ben Yee Short Films Inc presents...

(Scene: bigwhitevan, shotgun seat. Warlock on his cellphone.)

Warlock: I hope it won't come to that (beat; his eyes flit closed briefly) but if it does...

(Scene shift to Jane and Quinn fighting back-to-back in a narrow corridor; then to Lynn with a Klingon bat'leth in her hands, looking far too composed.)

Warlock: (VO; cont'd)...sell yourself dearly.

A 'Family' Holiday

(Scene: Biers. Music: "Burning Inside" - Ministry. Daria barges into the bar, which is completely empty. No one's even behind the bar. This desolation stops Daria dead. And then she's knocked over when the door flies open again, hitting her in the back.)

Lynn: Dari... (sees Daria on the floor, looking peeved) ah. Sorry.

Daria: (getting up) Okay, you don't LOOK like you're neck deep in...

Lynn: And nor do YOU. (beat) What makes you think I'M in any trouble?

Daria: What, besides your stellar track record?

Lynn: Rub it in, why don't you? (beat) Hang on. (stepping towards the bar) SHOOTER! What the HELL is...

(By now she's reached the bar and vaulted over it. There's a splash sort of noise as she lands. Daria watches as Lynn stays out of sight, crouched behind the bar, for a moment. Then she straightens, and Daria sees her face is very pale. Lynn steps aside (splat splat thud thud thud) to the partition in the bar, flips it up and steps into the main bar. This is the point at which we see that she has blood on her hands and on one knee, and is tracking bloody bootprints as she walks.)

Daria: (shock) Lynn...

Lynn: (very quiet) Shooter.

(Silence for a second. Daria sniffs the air.)

Daria: Do you smell something weird?

Lynn: You mean besides a lot of spilled vermouth and even more spilled blood? I...

Daria/Lynn: SMOKE!

Lynn: (tosses Daria her phone) You call 911, I'll get the fire extinguishers!

(Scene: Morgendorffer house, exterior. Quinn standing on the kerb, waiting, looking very impatient. Tom's rustbucket approaches - from within we hear music: "Fire Water Burn (The Roof is On Fire)" - Too Kool Chris. [<CB> Any Aussie ficmusic compilers feel free to blame Ben. <Ben> Hey, it's her puncrime! And what do you mean "Any?" Like there's more than one?] and Quinn stalks towards it.)

Quinn: It's about time! I was TRYING to track you down at school to tell you I'd be home early and... (sees Tom's bleary state) What happened to YOU?

Tom: My parents picked today to pull a 'Home Alone' on me. (to Quinn's look) They didn't realise I was still home and asleep when they left for work and it's not like Elsie cares. (frown) I still wonder who the hell made decaf this morning...

Quinn: Oh, you can think about that later - come on!

(She hops into the car and does up her seatbelt. Tom puts the car in gear and rolls about three feet before his cellphone rings. He picks up while driving.)

Tom: Hello? (beat) Scar. What...? (beat) You're WHERE? But why THERE? And... (beat) Oh crap. I'll be right there.

(He hangs up and increases his speed quite a bit. Quinn looks at him.)

Quinn: What was THAT? Where are we GOING?

Tom: There's been a change of plans. But you'll never have to complain about that smelly bar ever again.

(Quinn just looks at him.)

(Scene: Lane living room. Scar hanging up her phone as Jane looks on in some irritation. Enter Trent, looking bemused. Music plays on.)

Trent: What's SHE doing here?

Jane: (acid) Making phone calls. Getting us into or out of trouble and we don't even know the difference. Smythe stuff. (to Scar) So, what exactly is going on?

Scar: At the moment, someone torched Biers

Trent: You're telling me the place is on fire?

Jane: (Sahara-dry) We don't need no water, let the mot...

Scar: I wouldn't say that if I were you. If their armoury goes up...

(Scene: Biers int. Music: "Burn" - The Cure [I've never heard the 'radio edit' about which Lew bitches and don't care to - full 6:13 all the way...] The walls are starting to go up. Lynn and Daria are wielding fire extinguishers that were probably new in 1931 [they contain water and you have to hand-pump them], trying to control the worst of the flames.)

Daria: Lynn?

Lynn: Yeah?

Daria: Is there any reason why we're trying to play hero with equipment more suited to a backyard water fight?

Lynn: Because I have to get to the ... other rooms. There's an armoury.

Daria: And you're willing to risk our lives for a few lousy guns?

Lynn: Actually, it's a lot more than a few lousy guns. I'm willing to risk our lives for the surrounding three blocks. If that thing goes up, we won't survive the blast anyway.


Daria: Oh.

Lynn: I think I can get through. Can you cover me?

(Daria coughs but nods grimly. Lynn looks concerned, but sees the set of Daria's jaw and exits without another word, keeping low to avoid the worst of the smoke. Daria keeps trying to put out the hottest spots, but coughs steadily harder.)

(Scene: Casa Lane, int. Music plays on. Quinn and Tom enter to see Warlock, Scar and Pagebert wheel on them both. AP is sitting on the sofa, pale as a wraith. Trent's watching him from across the room, a little concerned despite himself. Jane has been pacing, but when she catches sight of Tom she launches herself over the sofa, past Warlock, Scar and Pagebert, and slams Tom into a wall.)

Trent: Janey!

Scar: Scarlet...

Jane: (to Tom; doesn't even seem to hear Scar) I am NEVER going to forgive you for this, do you understand me? NEVER!

Warlock: Scarlet, it wasn't him. He's the lowest of the low on the totem pole.

Tom: HEY!

Jane: I don't care. As far as I'm concerned, if he'd stayed out of Lynn's life in the first place...

AP: (fairly quiet) Uh ... wait, Jane?

Jane: (rounding on AP) WHAT?

AP: (still hushed and uncertain) We don't know where Daria is. And Lynn's been gone all day. We don't have time to beat Tom up cos we should be finding Daria and Lynn. Right?

(They all just look at him for a moment.)

Quinn: WAIT a minute. You mean Daria's MISSING?

Pagebert: Anyone know where they're likely to be? Do you think they're together?

(They all look at AP, who's still staring at his boots in a shell-shocked sort of way. Then at Jane, who drops her hand from Tom's throat and looks at the floor with pain in her eyes. Then they look at Warlock, who sighs.)

(Scene: Biers. Music plays on. Lynn barges through the door behind the bar, a wet washcloth over her face.)

Lynn: We're okay, Daria; the place is se...

(pan to see Daria lying facedown on the floor, the antiquated fire extinguisher about five or so feet away - it's obviously rolled there.)

Lynn: (OS) Oh crap - DARIA?!?

(Scene: Biers ext. Biers itself is blazing. Music plays on. We see a silhouette - flack-jacket wearing, booted, skirted - bearing a similarly dressed silhouette in a fireman's lift. The carrier drops her load and we see it's Lynn carrying Daria. Lynn proceeds to check for vital signs, then starts CPR.)

Lynn: Come on, Daria, don't DO this to me...

(We hear heavy tread. And a pair of booted feet come into shot. Lynn looks up, still doing CPR, facefaults ... slam to black.)



Daria Morgendorffer et al are the creations of Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn but are owned by MTV, a Viacom company, copyright 1997, 2000. [Apparently, this is possible by 'work for hire', a concept that eludes me.] Lynn Cullen, AP McIntyre, Mara Fitzgerald, and any other character you don't recognise from any ep, on the other hand, were created and are owned by me, one Janet 'Canadibrit' Neilson, copyright 1999, 2000, 2001. Touch my characters without consulting me and it will go hard with you. All cameos used with permission, though by this point they're more characters in their own rights. This is a "substantially transformative" derivative work, apparently [what a highfalutin way to say fanfic], and is protected by the Supreme Court's decision in re Campbell v. Acuff Rose Music, so keep the copyright notice where it is and don't post it for money. If you do so without my permission and that of MTV Networks, I WILL pull a Lynn Cullen on you. And then I'll call lawyers.