(Opening montage. Music: "You're Standing On My Neck" - Splendora.

LHS corridor. Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP by the lockers. As one body, they facefault and turn their heads to look at something out of shot. Lynn flicks her wrist, producing a knife, and dashes out of shot.

Football field, near the bleachers. Kevin and Brittany arguing. AP, sitting in the bleachers wearing a LHS marching band uniform and a completely disgusted expression, picks up a large pair of cymbals and smashes them together right near Kevin and Brittany's ears.

Pizza King. Quinn sitting at a table, sobbing with rage. Lynn looks at her, eyebrow raised in what is, for her, sympathy, and hands over a book. Quinn looks at the cover and stops crying as her face slowly brightens to an evil smirk.

AP's room. AP completely engrossed in a video game. Daria watches him play for a moment, disgust in her face, then starts digging through his cabinets.

LHS corridor. Mrs Bennett opens a door to reveal a broom closet in which Lynn and AP are making out; Lynn and AP break off a kiss as the door opens. They look at Bennett for a moment, then Lynn gives a wide grin and shuts the door in her face.

Morgendorffer front hallway. Jake going completely ballistic at Jerome, who is standing on the front step and looking at Jake in a manner that suggests that he's two seconds from calling the men in white coats. Then Jake takes a swing at Jerome.

The Zen. Daria, Jane, AP, Andrea, Guy, Casey and Mara at a table. Upchuck is leering at Mara, who regards him for a moment and then pulls him forward by the collar and kisses him hard, mouth open. When she lets go, Upchuck falls over in a dead faint. Jane looks extremely impressed.

Lane front door. Jane [in artist's smock and beret] and Jodie [ratty jeans, baggy T-shirt, clipboard, pencil behind her ear] open the door to find Quinn standing there wearing a seirafuku and a hopeful expression.

Biers. Someone has set it on fire; Lynn and Daria are wielding fire extinguishers that were probably new in 1931 [they contain water and you have to hand-pump them], trying to control the worst of the flames.

Daria and Lynn side-by-side, smirking slightly. As the original montage sequence, the camera pulls in and then out again to reveal two interlocking circles; one contains the Daria logo and the other contains a corresponding 'Lynn' version. Writing underneath in the Daria font reads, "Daria in...")


A Daria Fan Fiction - TLAS 4:11

(Scene: LHS cafeteria. Music: "All The Small Things" - Blink 182. Sandi and Tiffany are seated at a table. Sandi drums her fingers on the table impatiently; facial expression indicates extreme piss-offedness. Tiffany looks as if her mind is elsewhere [not like her normal vacancy - actually *somewhere* else]. Finally, Sandi looks up at Tiffany and slams her fist on the table.)

Sandi: (looking at her hand; pitiful) I broke a nail. (beat; back to irritated) And WHERE are Tori and Brooke? 1 I mean, is there a big sale over at Cashman's that I was not made aware of?

Tiffany: (distracted) I don't think so, Sandi. I guess you could check if you wanted; you have a cellphone, riiiight?

Sandi: Then where ARE they? I mean, what could POSSIBLY be more important than a Fashion Club meeting?

Tiffany: (a little wistful) Boyfriends.

Sandi: (facefault) BOYFRIENDS?

(Tiffany just waves a hand towards another table by the windows. Pan to the table. Tori and Brooke are sitting across one table from each other; Joey is sitting next to Tori and Jeffy is sitting next to Brooke. They look very comfortable. Back to Sandi, who looks livid.)

Sandi: (cold anger) I see. Boyfriends. Don't they realise that having a steady boyfriend takes away the best way to measure popularity? I mean, there are EXPECTATIONS when you're as popular as *I* am - you can't just settle on one guy. It wouldn't be fair to the OTHERS who are waiting for the chance to date me.

Tiffany: (not listening; seeming a little sad) I guess so, Sandi...

(Jamie approaches the table and stands by Tiffany, who brightens at his approach. He stands there for a minute, clearing his throat. Tiffany waits happily.)

Jamie: Uh ... Tiffany?

Tiffany: Yeaaaah, Jamie?

Jamie: (wide-eyed awe) You remember my name! 2

Tiffany: (blushing) Well ... yeaaaah...

Jamie: (nervous) Uh ... I thought ... after that thing last week, with the...

Tiffany: (blushing harder) Yeaaaah. That was ... kinda...

Sandi: (frowning) ExCUSE me, Tiffany, but I am TRYING to conduct a MEETING here...

Jamie: (ignoring Sandi) Uh ... I wanted to know ... could I ... did you...?

Tiffany: (bated breath) What?

Jamie: (a bit quickly) Do you want to go out with me tonight?

Tiffany: (happy) Suuuuure!

Jamie: (going on) I haven't taken Quinn out in a LONG time so I can afford Chez Pierre again... (realises what he missed) You ... you mean it?

Sandi: Well, if you're just going to IGNORE me, I think I'll go check my makeup. (trying to get her) And Tiffany dear ... you might want to avoid that shade of blusher in future - I hate to tell you this but it makes your face look a little bit ... full. 3

Tiffany: (to Jamie - didn't even hear Sandi's crack) Suuuuure.

(Sandi gets up and stalks off, turning around again just in time to see Jamie eagerly take the vacated seat across from Tiffany. She scowls and moves a table occupied by Stacy, Angie, Nikki and Brittany, who are talking animatedly.)

Sandi: Stacy, can I TALK to you?

Stacy: (looking up uncertainly) Sorry, Sandi, but I really can't. Cheerleading stuff, you know...

Sandi: I just want to ask ONE question. (when Stacy looks at her dubiously but doesn't say 'no') What IS it with the popular girls and ... (disgust) steady BOYFRIENDS all of a sudden? I mean, it's like EVERY popular girl ... and even some of the social REJECTS ... have steady boyfriends. Since when did having one add to your popularity?

Brittany: Well, KEVVIE and I have been going out for...

Angie: Brittany, you were going steady with Kevin when NORMAL people were dating ten guys a week.

Brittany: (indignant) HEY! I am SO normal! (getting up) Where IS Kevvie, anyway? He'd better not be with that TRISHA girl...

(She stalks off. The cheerleaders share a "Who does she think she's kidding" look. Then Stacy turns to Sandi.)

Stacy: (taking some pleasure in this) Actually, Sandi ... it was QUINN who made exclusive dating the popular thing to do. (She gestures to a table where Quinn sits with Ted [they're happily chatting away and holding hands across the table]) Since she started going out with Ted, just about EVERYONE started getting steady boyfriends. And then when Quinn got in trouble and Lynn and those other people started that protest of the three-foot rule, it just seemed like... 4

Sandi: ENOUGH already! I mean, how many times to I have to hear the name QUINN?

Stacy: (hiding a smirk) Well, she's STILL more popular than YOU are, even WITHOUT the Fashion Club.

Angie: So are YOU, Stacy - don't forget.

Stacy: (blush; grin) Really? I mean, I've NEVER been more popular than SANDI...

(Sandi scowls and backs away a little; they've forgotten she's there and she wants to eavesdrop.)

Nikki: Sure. And more than Brittany too. I mean, you're smarter than Brittany and a WHOLE lot nicer than Sandi...

Angie: Even Lynn CULLEN's nicer than SANDI, Nikki. And SHE came up with those CHEERS. (shudder)

Nikki: Yeah, that Lynn girl's vicious, but she can be nice. Sandi's hit a real low.

Stacy: But Quinn's STILL the most popular kid in school. Even MORE so now that she's stopped using guys like... (trails off uncomfortably)

Nikki: (gentle) Toilet paper; you can say it. It was written on that bathroom wall for a LONG time. 5 (beat; suppressed giggle) Now it's written about SANDI.

(That breaks Sandi; she stalks off to the laughter of the others. She glares at where Quinn and Ted are sharing a kiss.)

Sandi: Well. We'll just see how long THAT lasts.

(Scene: LHS corridor. Tom is at his locker, pulling out a book and looking at it derisively. Lynn approaches and follows his gaze for a moment.)

Lynn: The Nose hasn't got the school budget back on track enough to replace all the textbooks yet. 6

Tom: So that's why our Geography book still mentions East and West Berlin.

Lynn: (nod) At least he shelled out for a new periodic table for the science room wall. The one that was there when I came had the last ten or so marked on in PENCIL.

Tom: (sigh) Shame Lehrer isn't going to be principal all that long. (to Lynn's raised eyebrow) Word is the Nose is going to be back in time for the spring semester. (checks his watch; groans) Speaking of Lehrer, I have to talk to him about something. Tell Narcissa to meet me in front of her house at six, would you?

Lynn: (raised eyebrow) Nudge-nudge-wink-wink-saynomore? 7

Tom: (slight blush; unconvincing) Ew. (shaking himself; normal) Not like that. She wants to learn to fight properly and doesn't want to tip her parents off by asking for formal martial arts training. So I'm giving her a few tips.

Lynn: When'd you start THIS?

Tom: Three days ago.

Lynn: (slight smirk) When do you think she'll go beyond your teaching?

Tom: (morose) I give her two weeks, tops. (beat; nervy) Can I...?

Lynn: (sigh) Fine. Send her my way if you have to. And I'll pass the message along.

Tom: Great. (tosses book into locker and slams it shut; then, as an afterthought) Thanks. (exits)

Lynn: (mutter to his retreating back) Yeah, whatever.

(Lynn starts off in the opposite direction, rounds a corner ... and collides with Sandi. They both stagger backwards.)

Sandi: OW! Watch where you're GOING!

Lynn: (raised eyebrow) Excuse me? YOU were the one standing right in a major traffic area.

Sandi: Oh, whatEVER. Popular people can stand wherever they WANT to stand. I mean, those geeky ugly glasses you wear MUST help you see better ... so you can just watch where you're going and stay OUT of my WAY.

(Sandi walks off with Lynn death-glaring after her. Sandi smirks as she goes.)

(Scene: Morgendorffer house, ext. Music: "Wicked Game" - Chris Isaac. Quinn is sitting impatiently on the front step - she's wearing the tracksuit bottoms and bra top she wore in ToD with her pink leather jacket over top. Tom's rustbucket pulls up noisily to the kerb and Quinn gets up and walks towards it, scowling.)

Tom: Still with the pink.

Quinn: (ignoring the comment) You're LATE.

Tom: Business.

Quinn: Well, could we please hurry cos Ted's going to call at nine-thirty to find out how my first day at the animal shelter went.

Tom: (raised eyebrow) Animal shelter?

Quinn: Oh, and I'm supposed to tell him I'm going to be rolling around on mats with YOU all night? Are you KIDDING? No WONDER you and Jane broke up! 8

Tom: (wounded by that) Get in.

(Quinn gets in the car and it drives off. Pan down the street a ways, where Sandi and Ted are standing. Ted looks extremely sad. Sandi is trying, with no success at all, to hide a smirk.)

Sandi: I'm REALLY sorry you had to find out this way, Ted. But I just couldn't let a great guy like you go on not knowing that his girlfriend was ... well, cheating on him that way.

Ted: But ... but ... why didn't she TELL me?

Sandi: Well, you MUST know what people say about Quinn ... what her REPUTATION is...

Ted: I never gave any credence to the rumours. I just thought that it must be jealous people wanting to hurt her. But...

Sandi: Of course, you COULDN'T have believed that Quinn would do something like this to you. You're too NICE to think that someone else would do something that... (ersatz concern) Come on, Ted. Let's go out somewhere and maybe *I* can help you take your mind off this whole unpleasant incident.

(Ted, a very wounded look on his face, lets a vindicated-looking Sandi lead him away. He throws a single glance back at the Morgendorffer house before turning his attention to where he's going.)

END ACT 1 - ADVERTS [Lead-in: Sandi pounding on the table, Lynn colliding with Sandi, Quinn getting into the rustbucket, Ted looking back at the Morgendorffer house.]

Kidz Pop: In my humble opinion, "Livin' La Vida Loca" is bad enough when Ricky Martin does it. Having a bunch of semi-talented nine-year-olds cover the thing makes it sound worse. And I didn't think that was possible.

TBS: "It's A Guy Thing". Oh really? I know a lot of girls who enjoy watching Darth Vader and Obi-Wan in their final light sabre duel. What's with the revival of sexism?

(Scene: Morgendorffer kitchen. Music: "Early Morning Rain" - Moxy Früvous. Daria at the table, eating a muffin and reading the paper. Quinn enters, moving a little stiffly. Daria looks up and raises an eyebrow.)

Daria: (half-amused) How does the other guy look?

Quinn: (smirk) AWFUL. I mean, he can KINDA fight - I mean with moves and technol ... tech ... you know, he knows how PROPERLY - but he can't see what someone else is going to do and fix what he's doing so he doesn't get beat on. (rotates her left shoulder, groaning) But when he DID get a hit, he got it HARD. (back to smirk) *I* learned to do that pretty WELL! I mean, I KNEW I could DO it and...

(The *beep beep* of a car horn is heard from outside. Daria drops her muffin and gets up.)

Daria: That's my ride.

Quinn: Who's driving you?

Daria: Jane. (beat; suspicious) Why?

Quinn: Well, I'm still REALLY sore from all of yesterday and even if I COULD tell Ted where I WAS last night, he can't drive and his parents won't even let him have a BIKE and I don't want to call that TOM guy cos I bet he wouldn't give me a ride anyway no matter HOW sore I am just because I kicked his butt and...

Daria: (finally getting a word in) LOOK, Quinn. I'll ask Jane if she minds driving you - on two conditions.

Quinn: (pleading) ANYTHING, I absolutely PROMISE!

Daria: First, five bucks to Jane for gas and ten to me as a finder's fee. (Quinn digs in her pocket and hands over the cash.) Second ... you don't say another word until we get to school.

Quinn: But ... but ... but...

Daria: That's three. You walk. (she turns and heads towards the door)

Quinn: WAIT!

(Daria turns. Quinn makes a zipper motion across her lips.)

Daria: (half-smirk) That's better. Come on.

(Daria turns a final time and exits. Quinn, looking a little put out, grabs the remaining two bites of Daria's muffin, looks at it speculatively [and hungrily] for a moment, then gets an "Ew, what am I THINKING?" look. She drops the muffin remnant and exits.)

(Scene: LHS corridor. Music: "You Oughta Know" - Alanis Morissette. Daria and Jane walking, Quinn behind them. As they pass the other lockers, people look askance at Quinn, sometimes reforming the gossip huddle when she's passed by. Quinn is looking a little paranoid.)

Jane: Wow. All the way to school and not a WORD out of Princess Grace. 9 That's GOT to be some kind of record.

Daria: Well, given the workout she got last night, walking would NOT have agreed with her.

(There are snickers and disapproving noises from the people who caught that. Quinn speeds up so that Daria and Jane are flanking her.)

Quinn: Uh ... guys?

Jane: (sigh) Such bliss just couldn't last.

Quinn: I'm SERIOUS. People are LOOKING at me funny! I mean, is it THAT much like social death to be SEEN with you people? Oh my GOD, what's going to happen to my REPUTATION?

Angie: (OS; slightly nasty) Like YOU ever cared, QUINN.

(The three of them turn towards Angie's voice; she's standing with a small group of cheerleaders, Brittany, Nikki and Stacy among them. Stacy turns on Angie.)

Stacy: Come ON, Angie! Back off! We don't know the whole story!

Angie: Yeah, but we know what she IS. I dated Skylar for awhile and he told me about that THING she pulled because of the ski house and the rest of it. 10 She'd DEFINITELY go for him...

Stacy: It might be a mistake!

(A few more kids gather around Stacy and Quinn; Daria and Jane are joined by Lynn and AP, who survey the scene and exchange a look.)

AP: Ooh. Popularity Deathmatch?

Lynn: What have I told you about watching MTV?

AP: (shamefaced) Sorry. 11

Quinn: (approaching Stacy, heedless of the spectators) WHAT might be a mistake? Stacy, what's going ON?

Stacy: (breathless worry, very much 'old Stacy') It's all over school, Quinn. Sandi and Ted saw you getting into that Tom guy's car last night when you told Ted that you were volunteering at the animal shelter.

Quinn: (whimper) No...

Stacy: And Sandi got into your locker, I think, because there's a piece of paper on the bulletin board showing every excuse you ever used on a guy to break a date. 12

Quinn: (going pale) Stacy, I was DIFFERENT then...

Stacy: (waving it away) That's the least of your problems, Quinn. *I* know you're different now, but the rest of the school doesn't see it that way. And neither does Ted.

Quinn: Wh... (nervous swallow) How bad is it?

Stacy: Brooke said she heard him say that he was going to break up with you. And ... oh, Quinn, he's probably going to go out with Sandi.

Quinn: WHAT?

Stacy: Jack and Cindy saw them together at Pizza King last night. 13 She was ... 'comforting' ... him.

Quinn: (blank processing of info) She did it on purpose. She knew somehow and she set me up.

Stacy: (reluctant) She WAS acting pretty jealous of you yesterday. But because of everything with Skylar and Joey, Jeffy and whatshisname and Corey and Robert and everybody ELSE...

Quinn: She set me up. (some emotion is showing through - blind rage) That little tramp set me up, ruined my reputation and stole my first real BOYFRIEND!

Stacy: (frightened - she's never seen Quinn like this before) Uh ... Quinn? I know you're upset, but... (Quinn stalks off through the murmuring crowd; Stacy looks REALLY scared now) Quinn, WAIT!

(Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP exchange a look and follow her.)

(Scene: another LHS corridor. Music plays on. Sandi is at her locker, fixing her mascara, smirking to herself. Quinn rounds the corner and stops dead at the sight of Sandi. For a moment, Quinn and Sandi just face off - anyone who saw Quinn training with Scar would have been running like hell. Sandi, however, just smirks and gives Quinn a mocking little wave before shutting her locker and moving away. Quinn is paralysed by rage for a moment ... then starts forward after Sandi. Daria and Jane round the corner and grab her before she can get two steps, at which point Quinn just *erupts*.)

Quinn: (struggling wildly) LET *GO* OF ME, DARIA! I'M GOING TO BEAT HER FACE INTO NEXT *YEAR*!

Daria: (holding on for dear life; amazed at the effort that takes) Quinn, calm DOWN. Beating up on Sandi in school hours isn't going to solve anything...

Quinn: It'll feel DAMN good now let the hell GO of me!

Lynn: (moving to face Quinn) You want to do this? I understand. But you'll have to get past all FOUR of us to do it.

Quinn: FINE, go RIGHT ahead and get in my way! I can kick ALL of your butts and you KNOW it!

Lynn: Debatable. (beat) But can you kick the butt of a gun?

(Quinn finally stops struggling at this point - she goes very still and wide-eyed. Lynn unzips her jacket slightly, revealing the butt of her .45 and she nods once; her eyes say "Dare me". Quinn lets herself go limp in a show of surrender and Lynn zips her jacket back up. 14 At that point, Daria and Jane let go, but stand ready to grab her if she shows more signs of going Chernobyl.)

Quinn: (anger faded, just plain miserable) I can't face this. I can't explain to Ted what I did and I can't face what they're all saying about me. I wanna go home. (beat) But I CAN'T go home because if I DO go home, they'll all think I'm scared and ashamed and that everything they said about me was RIGHT. (sigh) If I can't pound Sandi's lying little face into pulp, then what CAN I do?

(She exits. There is silence as her last statement is considered. And then Daria, Jane and AP turn to look at Lynn.)

Lynn: What?

Daria: Like you don't know. What's it going to cost me to unleash the full force of vengeance that is the Purple Peril on Sandi Griffin?

Lynn: You're offering ME money. Your demi-sister the trust fund brat. Daria, if you really want me to make Janus pay for THIS little stunt, it'll be a freebie. (beat) On the other hand, that doesn't stop me from seeing what I can get out of your OTHER half-sib...

Daria: (slight smirk) That's the Cullen we know and look askance at.

Lynn: Want in on this, AP?

AP: With you all the way as always, Purple Peril! (beat) Method 14? 15

Lynn: I don't think so. No one eats the salad in the cafeteria. Anyway, I have yet to see poison ivy, poison oak OR stinging nettles in Lawndale. If I'd known I was going back into the revenge business, I would have set the greenhouse up again when we moved.

(The bell rings, saving Daria and Jane from having to think too hard about that one.)

Daria: We talk about it over lunch.

(Sombre nods all around.)

(Scene: Pizza King. Music: "Terrible Lie" - Nine Inch Nails. Quinn sitting in a booth, picking at a pizza. Her expression shows combination sullenness, heartbreak, helplessness and utter rage. Door opens, and enter Lynn, a book under her arm. She scans the place, sees Quinn, and steps over to the booth.)

Lynn: This isn't your usual table.

Quinn: Yeah, well, I don't see YOUR name written on it.

(Lynn looks at Quinn impassively for a moment, then takes a seat across from Quinn without being asked.)

Lynn: Congratulations on your self-restraint, by the way. Admirable, the way you didn't go after Sandi straight after school.

Quinn: Yeah, well, knowing you, you'd have come after me with that gun. (beat) Wait - how do you know I DIDN'T? (to Lynn's look) You kept TABS on me?

Lynn: Precautionary measures. No one, least of all you, can afford to have you sent to juvenile hall.

Quinn: Huh. But the people who live near you think it's a CRACKHOUSE or something and YOU never get busted! (Lynn continues to look at her steadily) How do you COPE with this? You've been dealing with this stupid cr ... thing longer than ANY of us. Do you have, like, some kind of motto like Mr O'Neill sometimes says works? I mean, it sounds geeky, but you ARE a geek and I'm DESPERATE so...

Lynn: My motto? "Life's an eternal ball-breaking bitch. Why not imitate it?"

Quinn: (sobbing with pure rage) It's not FAIR! It's just ... not ... FAIR! I can't have a boyfriend unless he's one of your FAMILY people and I COULDN'T get Ted involved after what happened to Jodie and Mack and I can't even have REVENGE because I'd get into WORSE trouble and anyway, I've SEEN what happens!

Lynn: Excuse me?

Quinn: That Falcon jerk - sorry, your DAD - didn't want to do something that that Merritt jerk wanted him to do so for revenge he hit YOU. Then your dad did something ELSE that probably made that Merritt jerk even MORE mad and then he wanted to do bad things to US! And THEN we had to do bad things to him BACK and now he and that Jensen jerk are DEAD but those freaks in San Francisco say it's STILL not over because they're always going to want to get us! It's just like with SANDI! If I hit her she'll get her mother to do something to me or do something HERSELF and then I'll have to do it back and it'll be one of those vicious ... THINGS! And it's JUST ... NOT ... *FAIR*!

(There is silence but for Quinn's vicious sobbing. Lynn looks a little bit stunned - "How did she say all that without pausing for breath even ONCE?" - and then raises an eyebrow in what is, for her, sympathy. She hands over the book under her arm. Quinn stops sobbing and looks at it.)

Lynn: What the cross-country experience taught ME was, if you want revenge, finish the job completely the first time.

(As Quinn looks at the cover of the book, her face slowly brightens to an evil smirk.)

END ACT 2 - ADVERTS [Lead-in: Quinn zipping her lips, Lynn unzipping her jacket to reveal the gun, Quinn's budding evil smirk as she looks at Lynn's book.]

The F Word: And this is the segment I set aside for shameless self-promotion. Since "I Am (NOT) Daria!" has gone the way of the dodo with the rest of stas.net, I'm having to recreate and the premise is changing radically. F stands for fanfic and it should be on the Net soon.

Next on The Look-Alike Series: A trip to NASA goes terribly awry - and it may yet again fall to Daria to keep her headstrong sister from doing something stupid in "Process of Elimination".

(Montage sequence. Music - "Original Prankster" - Offspring.

LHS corridor. Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP at AP's locker. Quinn approaches and hands Lynn her book back before quickly walking away. Lynn opens the book - several bills have been used as a bookmark marking out "Method 17". Lynn and AP look impressed; Daria and Jane, after scanning the rest of the page, look at Lynn and AP with a sort of sick, helpless awe. Jane then starts laughing while Daria just shakes her head in disbelief.

Lynn's room [or, if you're Austin Loomis, "The Chamber of Dark Mysteriousness"]. Lynn on the computer; AP sitting on the desk beside her, watching. Pan to the screen, which reads "Bob's Bargain Basement Bomb and Biohazard". Lynn clicks on "Chemical Warfare Warehouse" and smirks. AP grins. Daria walks in with cans of pop, looks over Lynn's shoulder and gives a look that should read "You enjoy this ENTIRELY too much."

LHS library. Lynn talking to Stacy. Stacy looks apprehensive but determined and maybe just a little mischievous. Money changes hands.

McIntyre Manor, ext. Door opens; Carol stands there. She blinks at the delivery person [short, pale girl with fluffy hair dyed pink - she looks a bit like a stick of cotton candy fell on her head] and then there is thumping on the stairs and AP appears at Carol's side, grabbing the parcel from Cotton Candy Girl. He nods thanks, wearing a total mad-scientist grin and barges out of shot. Carol, looking a bit more out of it than usual, signs the proof of receipt and then holds out a hand for the parcel. Cotton Candy Girl looks wide-eyed at Carol for a moment, then hands her a pack of chewing gum. Carol nods thanks and shuts the door. The delivery girl walks away, shaking her head and looking fed up - "Why do *I* get all the weirdoes?"

LHS football field, bleachers. Stacy talking to Tiffany - Stacy carrying pom-poms, Tiffany presumably watching Jamie play. Tiffany has that same little sly smile she had when addressing Daria as she broke into Sandi's locker. Money changes hands.

AP's room [probably best referred to as the Techno-Weasel Den]. AP and Jane are working on some pinkish goo bubbling in a crucible over a bunsen burner. A succession of dyestuffs are sitting on the counter beside them. AP shows the mixture to Jane, who frowns and adds just a touch of red dye. The mixture darkens almost imperceptibly. AP grins evilly, then cackles, Frankensteinesque. Jane gives her most evil smirk. 16

Barch's class. Seemingly unnoticed by Barch, Stacy hands Tiffany a tube of lipstick. Quinn watches with a smirk. Ted, emboldened by Barch's apparent lack of attention, turns a bit to scowl at Quinn, whose face falls. Barch then turns on him, apparently furious.

LHS girls' bathroom mirror. Sandi doing her makeup. Some of the contents of Sandi's makeup bag - mascara, concealer and a tube of lipstick. Tiffany waits until Sandi's engrossed in her task, then takes out a lipstick identical to Sandi's - the one Stacy gave her - and swaps it for Sandi's. She then heads for the door, opening it a crack to reveal Quinn, Jane, Lynn, AP and a reluctant-looking Daria. Tiffany gives that little smirk.)

Jane: Countdown in five, four, three, two, one...

Sandi: (OS) Mmm-MMPH?!?

(Scene: LHS corridor. Music: "Anarchie" - Me Mom and Morgentaler" Daria, Jane, Lynn, AP and Quinn dash around a corner - AP grinning, Jane and Lynn smirking, Daria smirking a little in spite of herself, Quinn giggling. A moment later, Sandi dashes around the same corner, eyes wide and panicked, hand clamped over her mouth. She collides with Lehrer as he exits an office.)

Lehrer: Good morning, Miss Griffin. And what's yer hurry? 17

Sandi: (removing hand from lips) Mmph-mmmff! Mmm-mmph-MMM!

Lehrer: Yeh'll have teh talk up a bit. They accuse MY countrymen of mumblin', but yeh're in the indeciph'rable range.

Sandi: (pointing to her lips) MMMMMMPH!

Lehrer: (small smirk) Miss Griffin, yer not makin' a jot o' sense. Now get yerself ter class before yeh're in my bad graces for tardiness. Or mebbe loiterin'. Or inappropriate behaviour on school grounds.

(Lehrer walks away; his smirk when he knows Sandi can't see his face indicates that he knows *exactly* what happened. Sandi stands there for a moment, unable to believe what just happened. Her fists clench hard enough so that a small trickle of blood seeps through her fingers; she's *vibrating* with rage, and she's generally going through a near-blowup that even DeMartino wouldn't be able to copy. Then she stalks off down the corridor.)

(Scene: another portion of the LHS corridor. Quinn's applying her *own* lipstick, looking casual and relatively cheerful. Sandi stalks up to her. Quinn looks up with a smile.)

Quinn: (just like the old days) Oh, HI, Sandi!

Sandi: (accusatory) Mmmmmmmmmph?

Quinn: Oh, you're looking for THIS. (she holds up a plastic bottle of clear solution. We see Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP peering around a corner, watching this go down) It's a solvent - it'll loosen the glue on your lips but won't kill you or turn your lips green.

AP: (under his breath) Actually ... I dunno about the green lips part... (to the looks) I didn't have a lot of time! And if it DOES, won't it be funny?

(All three consider that, then shrug acceptingly and keep watching.)

Sandi: MMMPH.

Quinn: (serene) You know something? I think most of the kids at school - maybe even some of the TEACHERS - will THANK me for the service I'm doing by not giving this stuff to you. (she puts it down on her locker shelf and shuts the door) By making you shut UP for a little while, my popularity will SKYROCKET.

Sandi: (ballistic bitch) MMMMMMMMPH!

(With that, she throws herself at Quinn. Quinn allows herself to be caught by surprise, and Sandi gets a good punch to Quinn's left eye. Then, when Sandi throws a second punch, Quinn grabs her in a wrist-lock, slams her into the lockers a couple of times and then releases Sandi *just* long enough to kick Sandi a good one to the side of the head. Sandi drops. Lehrer, by this time, has joined Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP and is looking at Quinn's handiwork almost approvingly.)

Quinn: (suspiciously innocent, sorrowful and pained) Mr Hopper? Sorry about all this but she ATTACKED me! Ohhhhhh I think she gave me a black eye...

Lehrer: Not another word, Miss Morgendorffer. I saw th' whole thing. Yeh were well within yer rights. (beat) Miss GRIFFIN, however...

(Sandi lets out a muffled groan)

(Scene: Morgendorffer bathroom. Quinn looks at herself in the mirror. Sure enough, she has a nasty black eye. She frowns at it for a moment, then shrugs and leaves the room.)

(Scene: Morgendorffer upstairs hallway. Music: "Got Me Wrong" - Alice in Chains [softly from the speakers in Daria's room; the door stands open a crack]. Quinn approaches the door to Daria's room, stopping as she hears...)

Jane: (OS) So you're telling me Lehrer had the power to get Sandi SUSPENDED?

(Quinn's eyes widen in a kind of triumph and she peers into the room.)

(Scene: Daria's room. Music plays on. Daria on the bed, staring at the ceiling. Lynn on the rug, staring at the ceiling. Jane in Daria's desk chair. AP cross-legged on the floor, tinkering idly with Daria's chemistry set.)

Lynn: Well, for stuff like assault, it's kind of built in. Three to five days is the norm.

AP: (fervent) Believe me, she knows. (to the looks from Daria and Jane) Well, she DOES! (to Lynn's glare, *gleep*) Shuttingupnow.

Lynn: It doesn't matter anyway. Sandi got so embarrassed by the whole thing that she's refusing to go back to Lawndale High - EVER. We got some third party legit mentioning that a Mr and Mrs Griffin were looking for good schools and job prospects in and around Texas.

(There is silence. Lynn's smirk is unsettling *all* of them ... except AP, who seems to know.)

Quinn: (barging into the room) SO WHAT DID YOU *DO*, ALREADY?!?

(No one looks in the least surprised at the sudden in-burst ... or outburst.)

Daria: Hey, Quinn.

AP: Hey-ho, Narcissa!

Quinn: (stunned) You ... you knew I was out there the whole TIME?

Jane: We've been hanging around HER too long. (jerks a thumb at Lynn)

Lynn: (idle wave; still sprawled on her back on the rug) In answer to your question ... (small smirk) The first rule about Project Mayhem is... 18

Quinn: (raised eyebrow) Before I have to break your arm ... PERIL.

Lynn: (raised eyebrow of her own at that) Look, you obviously haven't seen the movie...

Quinn: (butting in) Of COURSE I did! Brad Pitt is SO cute, even WITH that God-awful haircut...

Lynn: (sigh) ...Or you were so busy drooling over Brad Pitt that you don't remember what Project Mayhem WAS. Arson. Mischief. (beat; small smirk) And Disinformation. We pulled the latter on the Griffin family and pointed them to ... a place that probably wasn't what she had in mind.

Quinn: (gleeful) Oooooooooh! Where? Wherewherewhere?

Daria: I think I'd like to know that too.

Jane: Yeah; if my conscience isn't going to let me sleep at night, I'd like it to have a more specific target on this one.

AP: Think we'll wait awhile on that one, guys. After all, we wouldn't want you feeling sorry for her TOO soon.

Quinn: I'm not GOING to feel sorry for her.

Lynn: But we'll wait until it's final anyway. Wouldn't want you to get your hopes up.

Quinn: (long-suffering sigh) Fine. (beat) Lynn ... I wanted to ask you something. Who came up with that ... that METHOD, anyway?

AP: (jerking a thumb at Lynn) Hers. Well, *I* thought it'd be funny to glue someone's mouth shut. Purple Peril here had the idea for putting it in the lipstick after the rubber cement chewing gum didn't work.

Quinn: I THOUGHT so. (beat) You know, Lynn, you know a LOT about makeup and flirting and stuff like that. I bet you could be really REALLY popular if you put your mind to it! (She meets Daria and Jane's incredulous stares; then AP's "Lord have mercy on her soul" expression; then Lynn's glare. She goes *white*. Hurriedly:) Or at least you can tell me how I can cover up this black eye.

Lynn: No makeup invented can cover up a black eye, Quinn. (to the looks from Daria and Jane) Just don't ask.

(Scene: LHS corridor. Music: "Don't Speak" - No Doubt. Quinn's stowing books, looking a bit forlorn. Enter a very nervous-looking Ted, wringing his hands. He stops about ten feet away from Quinn and just watches her for a moment. Then...)

Ted: Uh ... Quinn?

(Quinn stiffens but doesn't turn around.)

Quinn: Hi Ted.

Ted: Quinn ... I talked to Stacy.

Quinn: That's nice.

Ted: She ... *sigh* she said that Sandi was really jealous and everything she said about any romance with you and Tom Sloane was total fabrication. And that she was using me to get back at you in some way. (silence, in which Quinn still doesn't turn around.) Quinn, I was wrong not to try to get your side. I was just afraid. You're so experienced at this sort of thing ... dating, I mean ... that I thought I ... just might not be enough for you. (more silence) Quinn, please. If you want to explain, I'm ready to listen to your side.

Quinn: (still not turning around) Ted, it's been nearly two WEEKS since Sandi told you all those things and made you spy on me. If you REALLY believed that I could do anything like that to you and didn't even wait to hear my side before dumping me, I don't WANT you.

Ted: Quinn...

Quinn: Go away, Ted.

(Ted watches her for a moment. Quinn still doesn't turn around. After a moment, his shoulders slump and he walks away. A moment later, Quinn shuts her locker door and turns - it's evident that she's been silently crying throughout.)

(Scene: Quinn's room. Music plays on. Quinn is face-first on her bed, still crying silently - only now it's into her smiley-face pillow. There's a knock on the door.)

Quinn: Go away or I shall taunt you a second time. (beat; tears dry up instantly as eyes widen) Omigod, did I SAY that?

Daria: (opening the door) I was about to ask that. Can I come in?

Quinn: I guess.

(Daria enters, bearing an envelope. She sits down on Quinn's bed. A moment of silence.)

Daria: I heard about what you said to Ted. (beat) You lied to him again, didn't you?

Quinn: It was in a good cause. That AP guy got hurt cos Lynn's in it. And watch Mack get hurt more ... you know, like smacked or shot or knifed hurt ... cos Jodie's in it. I can't watch Ted get hurt cos... (heavy sigh) ...cos I'M in it.

(more silence)

Daria: Would it help or hurt if I said I was proud of you?

Quinn: I don't know.

Daria: Well, I am. (beat) And I have something here that might cheer you up. (hands Quinn the envelope) If you need someone ... check Pizza King. We're usually there.

(Daria exits. Quinn looks after Daria for a moment, then smiles a little and looks at the envelope. She pulls out a photograph and looks at it for a moment in total disbelief. Then she bursts out laughing, smothering them in the smiley-face pillow the same way she stifled her sobs. Pan down to the picture - it's a very familiar scene to old-school Daria fans. It's Highland High, the back row. Sandi is seated between Beavis and Butthead. They are leering at her. She looks depressed as anything.)

(Scene fade to the real Highland High. Music plays on. Beavis and Butthead are openly leering at Sandi, who looks miserable.)

Beavis: Hey ... hey Butt-Head! Mheheheheheheh! She's got thingies!

Butt-Head: Shut up, Beavis! I'm gonna score! (to Sandi) Hey baby. Wanna ... do it? Uhhuhuhuhuhuhhuh!

Beavis: No way, assmunch! She wants ME!

(Sandi lets out a groan of despair as the two ... whatever they are ... squabble.)



This one's going out big time to Brian 'Tolshak' Menczynski, who was a lot of help with this fic as well as some other stuff. *noogienoogienoogie* Thanks, man.


1] Tori Jericho - living breathing popularity meter ["The Invitation"]. Brooke - plastic surgery junkie ["Too Cute"] Both now members of the Fashion Club. [Back]

2] I had Tiffany the clueless remembering Jamie's name a long time ago [TLAS 1:11 - "Love Him or Leave Him"] when no one ever does, particularly not Quinn, who so many people set him up with in fic. I had to stick with it. [Back]

3] Tiffany's greatest fear - that whatever she's wearing makes her look fat. Sandi wouldn't say it in so many words, but she *would* say it if she was pissed off. [Back]

4] Yeah, Stacy knows who Lynn is. Not only did they cheerlead together, much like Daria, Lynn's likely more popular than she realises or cares to admit. And she's probably a *lot* better known than Daria, despite having been in the school for a shorter period of time, just because her time there has been so ... eventful. [Back]

5] Credit CE Forman. "Daria vs the IRS". [Back]

6] Nathan Caldwell couldn't get LHS out of the financial hole Ms Li dug for the place with her security mania. No one short of Bill Gates could, I sometimes believe. [Back]

7] Credit Monty Python. We've known for a long time that Lynn's a Pythoniac, much like her creator and the co-writer said creator works with these days. [Back]

8] Canon - Jane and Tom broke up over Daria. TLAS - Jane and Tom broke up over Lynn, in a way; or at least, over her Family. Cute, nee? [Back]

9] Yet again, credit a ficter - I'm pretty sure it was Forman or Berry again. Aside from all the accusations of cronyism and the like, the popular fics *do* wind up getting cannibalised. [Back]

10] Remember "Pinch Sitter"? That whole rating system for dates and her day planner? And thanks to Jill Friedman for reminding me of which ep that was in. [Back]

11] I watched "Celebrity Deathmatch" once. It had a certain charm, if you approve of sadism to the famous and annoying. And as to the MTV crack ... sorry, but the irony was too delicious to resist. [Back]

12] 'The Daria Database' - Quinn has [or, in my continuum, *had*] an excuse log for her dates. [Back]

13] Credit to Austin Loomis for the first name of the large football player with the crew cut we see at Kevin's party in "The Daria Database" - we also see him with the character that looks a bit like Daria in "Dye, Dye My Darling" so I made them an item in TLAS to match - oh, and thanks to Chad for telling me the name of the umLynn, and to the *sigh* MTV official homepage for giving it to *him*. [Back]

14] Ah, the TLAS sticking point. Daria turns out to be the illegitimate daughter of a crime baron, Lynn [said crime baron's legitimate daughter] goes around armed - probably paranoid, but after "Liaisons" and ToD, can you *blame* her? - and Quinn discovered a talent for fighting. People hate that I did this. *shrug* Bugger 'em. With cacti. Sideways. [Back]

15] It's been some time since I invoked the Methods ["And Then There Were Four"]. I'm slowly but surely compiling the list and will maybe even have it written [a la Rowling with "Quiddich Through the Ages" and "Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them"] someday. [Back]

16] Kids, adults, or whatever combination/permutation thereof that's reading this - don't try this at home. Last time I tried this little concoction was six years ago and I wound up having to destroy my notes, so I have no specifics for you on Method 17. [Back]

17] Sorry, Austin, but I had a talk with Brian 'Tolshak' Menczynski and he gave me food for thought on Lehrer's accent. He probably sounds more like Hagrid than some rabid Scot. [Back]

18] For those of you who aren't familiar with the movie "Fight Club", Project Mayhem was 'Tyler Durden's follow-up to the fight club that gave the movie its title. With sections like that, you can bet that this movie gave Lynn and AP more than a few ideas. [Back]


Daria Morgendorffer et al are the creations of Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn but are owned by MTV, a Viacom company, copyright 1997, 2000. [Apparently, this is possible by 'work for hire', a concept that eludes me.] Lynn Cullen and AP McIntyre, on the other hand, were created and are owned by me, one Janet 'Canadibrit' Neilson, copyright 1999, 2000. Touch my characters without consulting me and it will go hard with you. This is a "substantially transformative" derivative work, apparently [what a highfalutin way to say fanfic], and is protected by the Supreme Court's decision in re Campbell v. Acuff Rose Music, so keep the copyright notice where it is and don't post it for money. If you do so without my permission and that of MTV Networks, I WILL pull a Lynn Cullen on you. And then I'll call lawyers.