(Opening montage. Music: "You're Standing On My Neck" - Splendora.

LHS corridor. Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP by the lockers. As one body, they facefault and turn their heads to look at something out of shot. Lynn flicks her wrist, producing a knife, and dashes out of shot.

Football field, near the bleachers. Kevin and Brittany arguing. AP, sitting in the bleachers wearing a LHS marching band uniform and a completely disgusted expression, picks up a large pair of cymbals and smashes them together right near Kevin and Brittany's ears.

Pizza King. Quinn sitting at a table, sobbing with rage. Lynn looks at her, eyebrow raised in what is, for her, sympathy, and hands over a book. Quinn looks at the cover and stops crying as her face slowly brightens to an evil smirk.

AP's room. AP completely engrossed in a video game. Daria watches him play for a moment, disgust in her face, then starts digging through his cabinets.

LHS corridor. Mrs Bennett opens a door to reveal a broom closet in which Lynn and AP are making out; Lynn and AP break off a kiss as the door opens. They look at Bennett for a moment, then Lynn gives a wide grin and shuts the door in her face.

Morgendorffer front hallway. Jake going completely ballistic at Jerome, who is standing on the front step and looking at Jake in a manner that suggests that he's two seconds from calling the men in white coats. Then Jake takes a swing at Jerome.

The Zen. Daria, Jane, AP, Andrea, Guy, Casey and Mara at a table. Upchuck is leering at Mara, who regards him for a moment and then pulls him forward by the collar and kisses him hard, mouth open. When she lets go, Upchuck falls over in a dead faint. Jane looks extremely impressed.

Lane front door. Jane [in artist's smock and beret] and Jodie [ratty jeans, baggy T-shirt, clipboard, pencil behind her ear] open the door to find Quinn standing there wearing a seirafuku and a hopeful expression.

Biers. Someone has set it on fire; Lynn and Daria are wielding fire extinguishers that were probably new in 1931 [they contain water and you have to hand-pump them], trying to control the worst of the flames.

Daria and Lynn side-by-side again, smirking slightly. As the original montage sequence, the camera pulls in and then out again to reveal two interlocking circles; one contains the Daria logo and the other contains a corresponding 'Lynn' version. Writing underneath in the Daria font reads, "Daria in...")


A Daria Fan Fiction - [TLAS 4:10]

(Scene: LHS corridor. Music: "I Still Love You Eve" - Me Mom & Morgentaler. Quinn and Ted standing by Quinn's locker, chatting. Quinn looks somehow outraged.)

Ted: It was nice of your friend Stacy to invite us over for that...

Quinn: (grumbling) Buffython.

Ted: I thought they took a very narrow view of the vampire mythology, though. While the ... (scare quotes) 'vamping out' was an interesting concept, there's precedent at least as far back as Stoker that...

(Without any warning, Quinn spin-kicks her locker. It dents. Ted looks at her, astonished.)

Quinn: (begin rant) How can they get FIVE SEASONS out of some wannabe-popular, wannabe-sarcastic, isn't-really-EITHER ex-cheerleader kicking the butts of the WIMPIEST bunch of goons this side of the MISSISSIPPI? UGH!

Ted: (puzzled) I thought you liked that show.

Quinn: (sigh; morose) I did. Then I realised how fake the fight scenes were and the dream was gone.1

Ted: So your willing suspension of disbelief was disrupted by a flaw in the detail work, thus robbing it of its meaning and any merit it might have had. A truly Stanislavskian construction, then, unable to survive dissection.2

Quinn: (information overload) If you say so...

Ted: (smiling) Quinn, you never cease to surprise me. There are so many facets to you!

Quinn: (slightly shadowed smile) Thanks.

(Ted, all guileless enthusiasm, spin-hugs Quinn and then kisses her full on the lips.)

Caldwell: (OS) DeWitt-Clinton!3

Ted: (jumping back) EEP!

(Scene: Caldwell's office - reception area. Music plays on. The door opens and Caldwell barges through, puce with frustrated rage. Quinn and Ted follow, looking a bit stunned, like they don't know what's happening.)

Caldwell: You sit out here with THEM. I'll deal with all four of you in a moment.

(He walks into his inner sanctum and slams the door behind him. Quinn and Ted turn to look at the 'them' Caldwell spoke of ... and facefault. Pan to what they're looking at - Lynn and AP, sitting VERY close together, holding hands. AP wears a sheepish grin; Lynn a cat-that-caught-the-canary smirk.)

Quinn: (as she and Ted sit down on the side nearest AP) What are YOU two doing here? (horrible thought) You two didn't try blowing the place UP again, DID you?4

AP: (still grinning) Nah. Saving THAT for graduation.

Lynn: (deadpan) Or Prom. Whichever.

Quinn: (raised eyebrow) You'd BETTER be kidding. (brief, uncomfortable silence) SERIOUSLY, what are you...?

Lynn: (interrupting) Pretty much the same thing you are, Narcissa.

AP: (wider grin) I got picked for the Carter County Tri-Suburban Science Club trip to Houston - NASA - bit before Christmas. I got the news and kinda went Kiki.

Lynn: (to the looks; dry) *poingpoingpoingpoingpoing*... (when Quinn and Ted just blink loudly at her) He had bouncity-bounce.5

AP: (continuing story) So I smooched the Peril and (grin widens goofily) she smooched back and...

Caldwell: (OS from office) Cullen! DeWitt-Clinton! Morgendorffer! McIntyre!

AP: (finishing grimly, all trace of grin gone) ...something like THAT happened.

(They exchange looks, then stand.)

(Scene: Morgendorffer kitchen. Music: "Sheep Go To Heaven" - Cake. Quinn, shaking with stress, is talking mile-a-minute, gesticulating wildly. Jake looks about ready to explode; Helen looks concerned. Daria is watching the scene play out with dull amusement.)

Quinn: ...And THEN he said something about it being a school and not a house of ill DISPUTE or something! I mean, it's not like he was trying for second BASE or anything!

Jake: Damn RIGHT he wasn't! I don't want my little girl making out with some cult WEIRDO right out in PUBLIC!6

Quinn: Da-AD! It wasn't even making OUT!

Helen: Quinn, calm DOWN and tell us what happened.

Quinn: Well, that Lynn girl pointed out that there was nothing in the school rules about kissing on the grounds and TED said that the Constitution gives us the insatiable right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness and then CALDWELL said something about things needing to change around her and the ... (struggling) ... increasing moral decay of today's youth. (beat) Then he sent us back to class without giving us detention or ANYTHING. (slight sly smirk)

Helen: (concerned at the smirk) Quinn ... now don't think I'm being a prude or trying to run your life or anything, but...

Jake: (slamming his fist on the table) I don't want you seeing that boy ever again! You're GROUNDED!

Quinn: DA-*AAAAD*!

Helen: (firm) JAKE! (to Quinn, soothingly) You're not grounded, Quinn. Just ... be a bit more discreet in school from now on, okay?

Quinn: (world-weary sigh) FINE, Mom. (getting up) I can't bring him HOME, his parents won't let me take him ANYWHERE I normally go on dates, and now I can't even kiss him in SCHOOL! No one over twenty GETS being in love!

(With that, she flounces out. Silence for a moment. Then Helen and Jake both turn to Daria.)

Helen: (businesslike) Name your price.

Daria: (raised eyebrow) Excuse me?

Helen: You're smart enough to know what I'm talking about. I'm not having her suspended over this - her academic record is bad enough as it is. How much to keep an eye on her in school?

Daria: Fifty bucks.

Helen: (reaching for her handbag) That's not so...

Daria: (interrupting) Weekly. Paybable a month in advance. (to Helen's stunned look) We're dealing with rampant teenage hormones here. Hard cash for hard labour.

Helen: (bargaining tone) Daria...

Jake: (wallet out, pulls out some bills and hands them to Daria, who takes them) Done.

Helen: (shocked) JAKE!

Daria: (getting up) Pleasure doing business with you.

(She pockets the bills and exits. Helen frowns at Jake.)

Jake: What? We can afford it! We never give her much of ANYTHING and at least she EARNS it when we do!

Helen: (conceding sigh) I just worry about the life lessons we give her with this sort of thing.7

(There is a thoughtful silence.)

(Scene: Pizza King. Music plays on. Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP in a booth. Daria hands each of them a bill.)

Jane: (looking at hers) Wow. Christmas comes early this year.

Daria: No, I expect you to earn that. I'm on hire to keep an eye on Quinn and twelve eyes are better than four.

AP: Uh, Erudite Emerald? Your add-up's off by four. And two.

Lynn: (explanatory) Eight pairs of eyes. Two pairs of glasses. (beat) This to do with this morning's incident with The Nose?8

Daria: (nod) We're on Hormone Patrol.

Lynn: We can get Rust in on this too, if you want. Don't even have to pay him; technically, he's ours to order around.

Daria: I'd rather not call that in.

Lynn: Understood. So, Supersoakers loaded with ice water?

Daria: (smirk) Her poor makeup job.

Lynn: (identical smirk) Not to mention (eerily accurate appalled Quinn-voice) MY *HAIR*!

(Snickers all around.)

(Scene: LHS corridor. Music: "The Headmaster Ritual" - the Smiths. AP at his locker. He opens it and an avalanche of books, binders and crumpled bits of paper spills to the floor. Mack and Jodie, hand in hand, walk over to him as he stoops to pick things up. They watch for a moment, smirking.)

Mack: Hey, AP.

AP: (looking up with a sheepish grin) Hey ho, Picard. GPA Girl.

Jodie: We just wanted to thank you for ... you know ... last week.

Mack: It was sneaky, underhanded and devious, but the ends justified the means. Thanks, man.

AP: (lost) Come again?9

(Mack opens his mouth to reply but the PA clicks on.)

Caldwell: (over PA) Attention, students. Due to an increasing lack of propriety amongst the students of Lawndale High, some changes have been made concerning our policy on public displays of affection on school grounds. As of today, we will be operating under a three-foot rule.

(Jodie, Mack and AP share a look.)

Jodie: He's not saying what I think he's saying...

Caldwell: (over PA) This meanst hat all students and faculty must maintain a distance of at least three feet from all other students and faculty while on school grounds, regardless of gender. First offence will earn the students or faculty members in question a verbal warning. Second offence merits detention or, in the case of faculty, a written reprimand. Third offence will mean suspension or the termination of the faculty members' contracts. That is all.

(The PA clicks off. Jodie and Mack look at each other in horrified dismay, then release each others' hands and step away from each other. AP goes pale and wide-eyed.)

END ACT 1 - ADVERTS [Lead-in: Ted spin-hugging and kissing Quinn, Jake handing money to Daria, Jane looking at her money, Jodie and Mack stepping away from each other.]

Peeps: Pick a pack of PEEPS? Look, dancing marshmallow chicks should only happen in that warped Queen Jossie fic! Peep RACES is the thing!

Diet Dr Pepper: "Sometimes things just don't measure up to the original." Green Bay Watch. Actually, the schadenfreuder [sp?] involved in watching the Babewatch bimbos and boy-toys running around in subzero temperatures in bathing suits would be BETTER than the original.

(Scene: LHS cafeteria. Music: "Heart-Shaped Box" - Nirvana. Brittany is sitting at a table, head on her arms, sobbing. Stacy is sitting across from her, looking uncertain in the face of this behaviour - "God, was *I* like this once?"10)

Stacy: I KNOW you're upset, Brittany, but...

Brittany: Oh my KEVVIE! (incoherent sobbing)

Stacy: But you can make out with your boyfriend AFTER school! (over Brittany's increasingly loud wails) I think we should be more worried about how this affects the cheerleading routines! I mean, Caldwell won't even let us do the human PYRAMID anymore!

AP: (passing by with a tray) What, they afraid one of you'll look up? (claps hand over mouth, nearly dropping the tray) IdontbelieveIjustsaidthat.11

(He walks on. Stacy looks after him in utter confusion. Brittany, oblivious, continues to wail. Pan to where Daria, Jane, Lynn [carefully sitting away from each other] are being joined by AP.)

AP: This three-foot rule is getting STUPID.

Jane: (raised eybrow) 'Getting'?

Daria: Keeping at a three-foot distance in HERE is something to see...

(Pan around the cafeteria. The cafeteria tables are only half-occupied to maintain the three-foot gap and several students are lining the walls, carrying trays and looking lost. A glimpse at the windows shows why they're not eating outside - it's raining heavily.)

AP: Well, Art-Smart Scarlet and I had sort of that problem in our English class. Wimp-in-the-Willows TRIED to push the desks three feet apart and only about half of them fit. I TRIED to tell him that I already DID the math but he wouldn't listen and when he found out he started making with the tear ducts.12

Jane: So he went to Caldwell and took AP and his math brain with him and explained just how many desks can fit into an average classroom if they're spaced at three-foot intervals. So he said that it was negated if there was a barrier like a piece of furniture between them or if they were in class.

Lynn: (smirk) Loophole...

Jane: (sigh) During class hours only. And only when seated at the desk.

Lynn: This is getting even MORE stupid.

Bennett: (OS) Stacy Rowe! Brittany Taylor!

(They turn to see Mrs Bennett bearing down on Stacy and Brittany. Stacy, frozen with fear, still has a comforting hand on Brittany's shoulder from across the table.)

Stacy: But Mrs Bennett...

Bennett: I'm sorry, Stacy, Brittany ... but rules are rules. Come with me.

(They are led away, Bennett keeping the prescribed distance. Back to Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP, who roll their eyes.)

Jane: And to think I used to complain about being denied the basic freedoms by Ms Li.

Daria: No you didn't.

Jane: Didn't I?

Daria: Not as such.

Jane: Well, I MEANT to.13 (looking around the cafeteria) I'm kind of glad I DIDN'T, now.

(They sit and look around, then at each other, obviously thinking.)

(Scene: Daria's room. Daria is sprawled out on her bed, reading. After awhile, she tosses the book aside and looks at the ceiling.)

Daria: Okay. I've established that Jesse's too stupid to lie. But I decided NOT to date Trent because he... (blink; something hits) He's NOT an irresponsible slacker. Not anymore, anyway. (mirthless chuckle) Only because Lynn knows how to crack a whip. (deep sigh) But she has AP. She's not doing that for herself. (beat; raised eyebrow) She's not grooming him for me, is she? (beat) I have to stop doing this. Only people with money in the bank can afford to talk to themselves like this. And the Smythes haven't hit me with a trust fund. Yet.14 (phone rings) Quinn! (ring again) Mom? Dad? (ring again; Daria sighs and picks up) Hello?

AP: (OS from phone; nervous) Erudite Emerald? Uh ... hi.

Daria: (raised eyebrow) AP? What's wrong?

AP: (OS from phone) Look, no one ever told us that 'the school grounds' meant the parking lot. We got busted by the Penny-Puncher in the parking lot when I got in the Merc for a ride home.

Daria: (sigh) And ignorance of the law is no excuse for breaking it. So what did she do?

(Split screen to AP, standing in Biers with Lynn's cellphone in his hand.)

AP: Nothing YET. But she's got something they called a San Francisco Iced Tea and wants to do target practice.

Daria: San Fran...

AP: It's like a Long Island Iced Tea only more ... warped.

Daria: (remembering) Oh. THAT.15

AP: (going towards speed-rant) She's NOT bombed but she IS pissed off and I don't want her with a gun in that state of mind - you KNOW she's bad enough when she's NOT pissed off! And you KNOW ...

Daria: I get the picture, AP. What were you calling ME for?

AP: Calmherdown. PLEASEcalmherdown. Atleastgethertoputthedamngunaway...

Daria: AP. CALM. DOWN. (sigh) Get Shooter to make YOU a drink if you have to, just calm down. I'll be there as soon as I can.

(She hangs up; back to single screen. She barges out of her room; there's a thud.)

Jake: (OS) OW!

Daria: (OS) Sorry, Dad. Didn't know you were home... (*thumpthumpthumpthumpthumpthumpSLAM*)

(Jake passes the door to Daria's room, walking into shot as he pats his pockets. He frowns.)

Jake: (yelling) HELEN! Have you seen the Lexus keys? (beat) Helen?

(Scene: Morgendorffer house, ext. Music: "Their Law" - Prodigy. Daria heads towards Jake's Lexus, parked in the driveway. She tosses his keys in the air and catches them with a small smirk.)

Daria: Purple Peril, you taught me well.

Jake: (OS from house) DARIA! HAVE YOU SEEN MY KEYS?

Daria: (starts, but then smirks) Oops.

(She jumps into the car and drives off as Jake opens the door and barges out, seeing her turn a corner in his car.)

Jake: *DARIA*!

(Scene: Biers - interior shot of the front door. Music plays on. We hear a motor; then the door being flung opened. Daria standing there. Cut to what she's seeing - AP slumped over on a table. An empty water glass stands by his elbow. Shooter looking nervous. A muffled pounding noise.)

Shooter: That YOUR piece of crap Yuppiemobile?

Daria: Best transport I could get hold of. (nods to AP) What's with HIM?

Shooter: I fed him some schnapps. (to Daria's meaningful look at the water glass; defensive) He was getting on my nerves.

Daria: (listening) What's that pounding?

Shooter: She wanted on the range. I let her on the range. (nervous swallow) I just didn't say anything about letting her OFF again.

Daria: You locked her in a room with a gun.

Shooter: Well, it's better than her being out HERE with a gun, right?

Daria: It is until she realises that what she packs is of high enough calibre to... (*BANG* from OS) ...blow through a doorknob and latch.

Shooter: (sweatdrops) OhCRAP.

(Enter Lynn - from a door behind the bar. Shooter vaults the bar and hides behind Daria.)

Lynn: Would you calm DOWN? If I was calm enough to figure my way out, I'm calm enough not to waste anyone on the payroll.

Shooter: If you say so... (doesn't move)

Daria: (careful) And you've sufficiently vented?

Lynn: (conversational) I want to ventilate that man.

(Shooter, not sure which man Lynn's referring to, STILL doesn't move)

Daria: But you KNOW that's not the best course of action.

Lynn: (shrug) Sure. I'd hire DJ or someone to do it if I was going to. I'm not 100% trained for that sort of thing.

Daria: We don't kill him. That's the ... well, that's the Smythe way.

Lynn: Well, what do YOU suggest, 'Morgendorffer'?

Daria: (wince; that had to sting) Remember Operation Sound of Silence?

(Lynn raises an eyebrow)

(Scene: Lynn's room. Music plays on. Lynn sitting at her computer, frowning at the screen. Daria is sitting cross-legged on the bed. Jane is poking through a stack of papers on the floor.)

Daria: Okay, for a protest, what about another sit-in of sorts? Standing EXACTLY three feet apart, blocking something important?

Jane: Bathrooms? Teacher's lounge? (smirk) Caldwell's office?

Lynn: This is Caldwell; he'd probably push past us. And, if we blocked something important, then WE'D be the bad guys, thus validating what he's doing.

Daria: (sigh) Not AGAIN.

Lynn: You get used to it. (beat) I think.

Jane: Well, we have to do SOMETHING. I mean, this is... (she comes across something on a paper that catches her eye and a slow smirk grows on her face) Heeeeeeeeeeeey...

Lynn: I'm as evil as they come and THAT just plain SCARES me.

Daria: What are you THINKING...?

Jane: Oh, I think YOU at least will like this, Lynn... You remember your research on the 60's for that paper in Mr D's class?16

Lynn: What, peace, pot, protest and p... (it hits) Jane, you are EVIL.

(Jane's only reply is a broadening smirk. Lynn answers it. Daria looks VERY confused and a bit frightened.)

END ACT 2 - ADVERTS [Lead-in: Stacy with her hand on Brittany's shoulder, looking stunned, Daria tossing the Lexus keys in the air, Shooter vaulting the bar and hiding behind Daria, Jane coming across the paper and smirking.]

NyQuil: It's obvious whoever thought up that ad KNOWS there's no way a person can hypnotise themselves. I guess it's trying to say, in a subtle sort of way, that only a moron wouldn't use the product instead of trying THAT. *shrug*

Next on The Look-Alike Series: Sandi was robbed of the Fashion Club because of Quinn, so she wants revenge - taking what QUINN loves. What will a semi-traned hand-to-hand fighter do for revenge? Find out in "Kiss and Makeup".

(Scene: LHS parking lot. Music: "Leaders and Followers" - Bad Religion. A fairly large group of students have gathered, all coupled up - Kevin and Brittany, Jodie and Mack, the umLynn and Jack 'Beefy Boy' Paterson, Quinn and Ted, Brooke and Joey, Tori and Jeffy, Tiffany and Jamie, Stacy and Robert [Stacy looks fed up], Sandi and Corey [HE looks fed up]. A few non-Lawndalians have come to support their significant others, it appears - Mara is with Upchuck [who's wearing black jeans and a soft grey button-up shirt, his hair in AP-esque disarray], Casey is with Andrea and Guy is with Jane. Daria and Tom are standing near to each other but not exactly side-by-side, looking nervous.17 Lynn and AP are standing on the hood of the Merc; Lynn has a bullhorn.)

Lynn: Okay, we all know what we're going to do? (cries of assent. Daria and Tom look even MORE uncomfortable.) Okay then! This keeps going until the man breaks! And thanks to Jane Lane for coming up with this idea. Let's give her a hand!

(Jane glares and blushes all at once as the group breaks into cheers - all but Daria and Tom, who look still more uncomfortable and glare at her a little. Lynn offers Jane a hand; Jane takes it and climbs up onto the hood, grabbing the bullhorn.)

Jane: And remember, people ... (singing customarily badly) "Don't talk, just..."

Lynn & AP: (unison; interrupting) Tuuuuuuuuunecrime!18

Jane: Oh, come ON! It's APPROPRIATE!

AP: Get outta here, Art-Smart Scarlet! We got stuff to do!

Jane: (into the bullhorn with a smirk) Three ... two ... one... GO!

(Jane tosses the bullhorn into the backseat of the Merc and jumps off the hood, joining Guy. As Lynn and AP follow Jane off the car, the students heads into the school in pairs. Daria, Lynn, AP and Tom hang back a bit. Daria and Tom look at each other very briefly, then head towards the school. Lynn and AP shrug and start to follow ... when they hear squabbling from behind them. They turn to see O'Neill being dragged bodily towards the school by Barch. O'Neill looks mortified. Barch looks determined.)

O'Neill: But Janet, be REASONABLE! It's EXHIBITIONISTIC! It's ... it's...

Barch: (stopping and turning on him) I don't want to HEAR it, Skinny! That man SWORE he had nothing against fraternisation and damnit, I'm going to make that lying, cheating son of a...19

O'Neill: (scandalised) JANET!

Barch: Oh, come ON! You joined in the LAST protest, DIDN'T you?

O'Neill: (momentarily derailed) Well ... yes. Yes I did. But that was DIFFERENT. There'll be impressionable...

(Not listening, she drags him out of shot. Lynn and AP share a look.)

Lynn: Do YOU want to know?

AP: I just wanna find a space as far away from THEM as I can while staying on school grounds.

(Lynn nods emphatically. They walk off.)

(Montage sequence. Music: "Snakedriver" - The Jesus & Mary Chain ["Everything just passes by I thought it always would but then I kissed her..."]

LHS corridor. Mr Caldwell exits a room and facefaults. Pan to Mack and Jodie, who are *ahem* busy. Caldwell reenters the room for a moment, comes out holding a yardstick, and approaches the couple, yelling. The lip-lock continues - the only acknowledgement of Caldwell's presence is Jodie's holding out a hand - palm up: "Talk to the hand, 'cos the ears ain't listening". Caldwell goes brick red and turns yanks out a notepad, making a note ... and then his eye is caught by something that makes him facefault further. He turns to Jodie and Mack again ... then to whoever ELSE he's seeing ... then makes a frustrated gesture with his hands [one still holding the yardstick] and runs off.

LHS art room. Ms Defoe and Mrs Bennett walk in, mid-conversation, and freeze dead. Jane's red shirt is draped over a piece of the requisite still-life set-up; she and Guy are sitting on another part of it, having hit first base and looking about ten seconds from going for second. They break off briefly and look at the two teachers - Bennett looks scandalised and Defoe gives a small smirk. Jane waves cheerily at them both, Guy briefly rolls his eyes at them - "A little privacy?" - and they go back to what they were doing. Bennett seems frozen on the spot. Defoe gently leads her away, shutting the door behind them.

LHS English classroom. Hold on the door for a moment. It bursts open and Caldwell stands there. He goes DEADLY pale and wide-eyed and freezes in place for a moment ... long enough for a pale purple blouse to fly past him in the shot. He hurriedly shuts the door again.

LHS corridor. Mrs Bennett opens a door to reveal a broom closet in which Lynn and AP are making out; Lynn and AP break off a kiss as the door opens. They look at Bennett for a moment, then Lynn gives a wide grin and shuts the door in her face.

LHS gymnasium. Morris barges in. She freezes dead, looking like she wants to keel over and die - pan across the gym, where at least ten couples [Kevin and Brittany, Brooke and Joey, Tori and Jeffy, and Jack and the umLynn among them] are scattered across the bleachers and mats on the floor, all engaged in make-out activities.

LHS history classroom. DeMartino enters the room and his eye nearly falls out of his head. Quinn and Ted are sprawled across his desk; Ted is fiddling with the hem of Quinn's T-shirt, obviously at least CONSIDERING going for second. DeMartino looks about ready to explode. Then, inexplicably, his face softens and he walks right back out again, shutting the door behind him.)

(Scene: LHS corridor. Music: "Adore" - Smashing Pumpkins. Caldwell, moving at nearly a run, approaches a door, opens it and looks in.)

Caldwell: Joanne! ROSE! EWWWW!

(He *slam*s the door shut and runs down down the hallway. Opens another door.)


(*SLAM* and he keeps running. Opens yet another door...)

Caldwell: Kim! Hello KITTY?! OHIMGONNABEILL!20

(He slams that door shut and moves on. He opens a last door and groans.)

Caldwell: Is no place SACRED? (beat) And who the hell are YOU?

(Pan into the room - it's the teacher's lounge. Mara and Upchuck are on the Salvation Army sofa. Upchuck's shirt is unbuttoned nearly to the waist; Mara's shirt [typically overgenerous neckline] askew and baring one shoulder, skirt rucked up to mid-thigh [not that there was probably much to ruck up in the first place...].)

Mara: (sigh) This SUCKS. Aren't there any janitor's closets in this place?

Upchuck: Not nearly enough, my dear. Rowr.

Mara: (rolls eyes) Well, want to go FIND one, or let this twink STARE at us. (beat; thoughtful) Though the exhibitionist thing IS kinda ... interesting...

Upchuck: (leer-smirk) Whatever turns you on, my dark angel... And anyway, having HIM see us IS the point of all this.

Mara: (nearly identical leer-smirk, though it works on her) Anything you say, Big Red...

(She wraps her arms around his neck. Caldwell frankly stares.)

Caldwell: Big ... Red?

Mara: (turning to Caldwell with a smirk) Guess what I mean by 'Big'...

Caldwell: (going, if possible, paler) Nononononono!

(He slams his way out as Mara pulls Upchuck down on the sofa.)

(Scene: Caldwell's inner sanctum. Music plays on. Daria and Tom are sitting on Caldwell's desk, not looking at each other. They're clearly nervous.)

Tom: (after a long, uncomfortable moment) He's ... gonna come in here, you know.

Daria: I know.

Tom: If he does, I guess it would defeat the purpose of this to have us...

Daria: I know.

(Slight, VERY uncomfortable silence.)

Tom: (slamming a fist on the desk angrily) WHY did it have to be US?

Daria: (shrug) I guess because everyone else was paired off. And because no one in their right mind would want ME that way unless held at gunpoint.

Tom: That's not true, Daria. You're very attractive.

Daria: (weak smirk) In the same way that Lynn is, I know. But she has ... well, something I'm lacking. I...

Tom: That's bull, Daria.

(With that, for whatever reason, he grabs her by the shoulders and kisses her deeply. Daria tenses for a moment, then responds in kind. Tom slides his fingers gently up her shoulders and trails them along her neck, and Daria gives a sigh of utter contentment. They break for air, and Tom starts kissing her neck.)

Daria: (totally lost to the sensation) Oh, Trent...

(Caldwell barges in just as Tom is recoiling from the shock of that. His entrance nicely explains both Daria's and Tom's shocked expressions.)

Caldwell: (breathing heavily) All ... RIGHT ... you two. You ... Morgendorffer ... are one of the most eloquent students IN this school. Maybe YOU can explain this ... this ... hormonal HEYDAY for me!

Daria: (regaining composure with an effort) I believe I can, yes. (hands him a slip of paper) Our manifesto, Mr Caldwell.

Caldwell: (grabs paper, scans it, muttering a few salient phrases) Non-violent protest ... unfairness of the three-foot rule ... (eyes bulge slightly) 'Love-In' ... (swallow) until the matter is resolved to our satisfaction. (beat; looking at Daria) How many students have SIGNED this?

Tom: (now back to calm) ALL of them, Mr Caldwell.

(Caldwell looks at the duo with no little dismay. They look back, utterly calmly.)

(Scene: Helen's office. Music: "Superunknown" - Soundgarden. Marianne typing madly. Helen conspicuously absent. Phone rings, Marianne picks up.)

Marianne: (unnaturally harried, even for her) Helen Morgendorffer's office.

(Split-screen to Caldwell at a payphone in an LHS corridor, looking equally harried.)

Caldwell: Is this Helen Morgendorffer?

Marianne: (still typing feverishly) Sorry, but she's at a meeting with Mr Shrect...

Caldwell: I don't care if she's at a meeting with the President of the United STATES! My name is Nathan Caldwell and I'm the principal at her daughters' school...

Marianne: (her turn to cut HIM off) In that case, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to recommend you call the girls' father. Mrs Morgendorffer is going to be unreachable by phone for much of today and it's more than my LIFE is worth to interrupt THOSE kinds of meetings. Thank you and have a nice day.

(She hangs up abruptly. Single screen back to Caldwell, who blinks at the phone for a moment, then reconsults a page in a small black address book. Then he puts more change in the machine and dials. A few rings, then...)

Jake: (recording OS from phone) You have reached Jake Morgendorffer Consulting. I'm unable to take your call just now ... (typical Jake blind enthusiasm) probably at another client lunch - it's GREAT to be busy again! Jake Morgendorffer Consulting is BACK! I... (regains composure) If you'd like to leave a message, please do so at the sound of the...

Caldwell: (slamming the phone down) ARGH!

(He thumbs through the book, inserts more change into the phone and dials another number. Three rings, and then...)

Lynn: (recording OS from phone) You have reached the home of Lynn Cullen. If you're calling about a date, pizza outing, band rehearsal or similar, please leave a message after the tone. If you're looking for a missed homework assignment, trying to weasel a tutoring session out of me or can't seem to remember where the school is, please hang up and try someone who cares. If you're looking for a parental figure, abandon hope all ye who enter here. I'm eighteen so if you do try putting social services on me, you'll find some fairly unhappy civil servants who don't like their time wasted beating down your door very shortly thereafter. *beeeeeeeeep*21

(Caldwell hangs up, rummages through his pockets, adds more change, finds another number, dials it. Five rings and he's JUST about to hang up when...)

CAROL: (OS from phone; typically slow speech) Hello?22

Caldwell: Mrs McIntyre? This is Nathan Caldwell from your son's school...?

(Split-screen between the two. Carol's brow furrows; she's obviously thinking.)

CAROL: (after a moment) If Andrew blew something up in the lab again, I think the school has our credit card number to pay for any damages. If not, send a receipt and I'll have my husband look into it. If Andrew hurt himself in gym class again, and if he's not conscious to give medical insurance information, the hospital should know. If Andrew hurt someone ELSE in gym class again, I don't think it was his fault. He's just a little clumsy sometimes...23

Caldwell: No, Mrs McIntyre, I...

CAROL: Otherwise, I guess you should speak to my husband. Sorry to trouble you.

Caldwell: But *I* called Y...

(Carol hangs up. Single screen to Caldwell again. He digs through his pockets and bites his lower lip - obviously out of change. He throws his address book across the hall, hitting Casey and Andrea. They break off kissing for a moment and give him matching glares, then resume. Caldwell lets out a small sob and runs.)

(Scene: Caldwell's office. Music: "...And Justice For All" - Metallica. Tom and Daria still sitting side by side on Caldwell's desk, still not looking at each other.)

Daria: (finally breaking the silence) That was ... nice.

Tom: Y...yeah. (beat) Um, if you're worried ... I'm not going to say anything. About ... you know ... what you said.

Daria: (cutting her eyes towards him very briefly) Don't make that kind of promise. You have no idea how easy those ones are to break.24

Tom: Not deliberately, then. It's your business, to tell him or not.

Daria: Thank you.

(The door opens and Mr Hopper enters, smirking widely.)

Tom: (astonished) Lehrer?

Daria: (blink) Lehrer? But... (it hits - "a codename") Another SMYTHE?

'Lehrer': (smirk widens slightly; strong Northern British accent) By hire, not by blood, despite the accent. Exiled British mathematician with warped sense of humour; the name fits.25 Now if you'll excuse me, I have an announcement to make to the rest of the school.

(Daria and Tom nod and leave. Lehrer looks around the office with a wry little smile.)

(Scene: LHS corridor. Music plays on. Daria and Tom come out a door - Mack and Jodie still making out in front of the door. They ignore this, turning and walking down the corridor.)

Daria: 'Exiled'?

Tom: He got into a bit of trouble on a London/Edinburgh run. It's probably better you don't know about that for now. It's in the past, anyway.

Daria: (raised eyebrow; a little scared) Right. (slight pause) I...

(And the PA clicks on.)

Lehrer: (OS from PA) Good afternoon, students. This is Jon Hopper, teacher of accelerated mathematics here at Lawndale High. Nathan Caldwell, your principal, has agreed to rescind the three-foot rule due to overwhelming student discontent. (cheers break out amongst the students; Daria and Tom share a small smile) On an unrelated note... (something that could be a suppressed snicker) ...Mr Caldwell is taking a temporary leave of absence until the end of the autumn term. Until then, it's my honour to take over as temporary principal. And my first act as principal will be to declare t2his day a school holiday on the grounds that ... well, it's a total loss, today, isn't it? Thank you for your attention, and please feel free to take your snogging off school grounds - the point has been more than adequately made. Thank you.

(The PA clicks off. Daria and Tom share a look.)

Tom: Congratulations. Once again, you've set the educational establishment on its head.

(Daria shrugs and walks off. Tom looks after her, a little concerned-looking.)

(Scene: LHS cafeteria. Music: "Fortress Around Your Heart" - Sting. Daria, Jane, Lynn, AP and Tom sitting at a table. Daria and Tom are totally lost in their own thoughts. AP looks around. Jodie and Mack have entered, hand in hand; at a table a few rows down, Kevin and Brittany are kissing. Quinn and Ted are laughing over some private joke at another table further on - Ted's hand is gently covering Quinn's. AP turns to the others with a grin.)

Lynn: "All is as it once was."

AP: (brow furrow) That sounds familiar. Trek, right? That one about the time travel? Classic stuff?26

Lynn: (nod) I STILL don't believe you remember stuff like that but can't remember a Shakespeare line if your life depended on it.

AP: (BIG grin) "But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the East, and Purple Peril is..."27

Lynn: (smacking him upside the head; blushing) Okay, okay, you made your point, shut up.

Jane: (chuckling) But you WERE right. Things ARE back to no... well, as normal as they ever GET lately.

Lynn: Oh, of course, but to admit that would involve showing some optimism and I can't bring myself to do that lightly. (notices Daria's faraway look) Daria?

Daria: (all circuits engaged) Mmm.

(Lynn frowns, then turns to Tom, who snaps out of it when he feels the glare.)

Tom: (a bit startled) Hmm?

Jane: (a little accusatory) You two must have had some...

Tom: (sharply) We're not going there. (beat; considering) Let's just say that we're being quiet for entirely different reasons.

(All three of them glare at him. He gets up and walks out of the cafeteria. They look at him, a little stunned, then watch Daria for a moment.)

Daria: (shakes herself a little; musing) "All is as it once was." (Lynn groans and buries her head in her arms as Jane and AP laugh. Daria blinks at this) What?28



1] "Speedtrapped", damn Aussies and their damn not-finished-yet-in-some-cases *cough*Lew*cough* and it's *true* damnit! [Back]

2] Theatre Studies A-level flashback. Pain. [Back]

3] Nathan Caldwell is Lawndale High's new principal as of "Many are Culled". Well, after DeMartino shot Ms Li ["Liaisons"], they *needed* a new one.

4] "World Geek Show". AP found the most effective way of levelling the building. The way "the mill" goes, people probably *did* think he actually *tried*. [Back]

5] To meet Kiki and get an explanation of the *poing*ing, read Sluggy Freelance. Is It Not Nifty? Worship the comic - but start at the beginning or you'll be *really* lost. And 'bouncity-bounce' is borrowed from the S4 ep "The F Word". [Back]

6] Jake has never been all that keen on Ted, as far back as "The New Kid". [Back]

7] Helen and Jake won't see the irony of this, but you lot will - given that she's the daughter of a Mafia Don, the life lessons Helen's giving her with this are actually pretty tame, comparatively. [Back]

8] Referring to people calling people who wear glasses "four-eyes". And Lynn refers to Caldwell as "The Nose" in "Gym Dandy" and it probably stuck. [Back]

9] "Secrets and Lies" showed AP and Lynn unwittingly luring Jodie and Mack to the Zen at the same time. Jodie and Mack thought it was deliberate and who can blame them? [Back]

10] Remember "Fair Enough"? Yes, she was. But since giving up the Fashion Club in "Love Him or Leave Him" and joining the cheerleading squad ["Mercedes Bends" was first mention], she seems to have built some self-confidence. [Back]

11] And ANOTHER one you can blame Ben for. They're just too bad not to use. [Back]

12] This is also down to Ben. I don't know maths from a hole in a tree but Ben informed me that there's no *way* you could space desks three feet apart in an average classroom and fit enough for your average high school class. [Back]

13] She sort of did in "Arts 'n Crass", but otherwise it tends to be Daria who raises the hue and cry. [Back]

14] And one more way to get more value for your endnote. The "Jesse's too stupid to lie" remark comes from what Jesse slipped out with in "Secrets and Lies", Daria's decision as per Trent was made in "Love Him or Leave Him", Trent was *forced* to keep to deadlines and work a little harder since Lynn joined Mystik Spiral ["Blind Audition"], Lynn and AP have pretty much been going out since "Lost and Found", she's made comments about talking to herself as far back as "See Jane Run" and Lynn has a trust fund from her Smythe relations so it'd make sense that Daria should get one someday too. [Back]

15] Daria is presented with this concoction in "Love's Labour", informed that it was "the Peril's drink of choice". I gave it a name, is all. [Back]

16] The "Which Era I'd Like Have Lived In And Why" essay cited early in "Swear to be Different". [Back]

17] Another big one. 'UmLynn' is the current name in vogue for that girl we see in the background in [at least as far as I remember] "Quinn the Brain", "Antisocial Climbers" and "Dye, Dye My Darling". In that last, she's seen in the company of some football player with a crew cut who I've been using as a background character since at least "Gym Dandy" and named with Austin Loomis' help in "Banded for Life". Robert is the goofball that calls people 'sir' or 'ma'am' in and dates Brittany in "Daria Dance Party". Corey, I believe, is one of Quinn's earlier conquests. Brooke [the plastic surgery victim of "Too Cute"] and Tori [the popularity meter in "The Invitation"] were prospective Fashion Club draftees ["Fifth Wheel"]. Mara Fitzgerald, Casey Wright and Guy 'Goat-Boy' Mann [members of the reformed Back Alley Name-Droppers - "Thrash of the Titans"] are dating a remade Upchuck, Andrea and Jane respectively ["A Dated Concept" for the first two, "Sets and the Sin! gle Girls" for the last]. And of course, we know Tom's new role in the lives of the gang... ["None of Your Affair", "Tour of Duty"]. [Back]

18] Anyone remember Right Said Fred? They did a song called "I'm Too Sexy". In England, they were a three-hit-wonder rather than a one-hit-wonder. One of those hits was "Don't Talk, Just Kiss". And we know how badly Jane sings from "Jane's Addition". [Back]

19] He *did* say something to that effect in "Gym Dandy". But what's sauce for the goslings is sauce for the geese, I guess he figures. Or he was willing to say just about *anything* to keep his science teacher on board at that point. [Back]

20] This was another of Ben's contribution after seeing this. All together now... o/`His name was Warlock ... he was a sex fiend... o/` [Back]

21] Jerome Smythe helped Lynn buy 15 Glenview Road from under Kate Cullen and held it in trust for her until she turned 18. ["Sister, Sister"] She took sole possession of the house when she became a legal adult ["Children of the Scorn"]. [Back]

22] Carol McIntyre, who we meet in "A Hard Day's Write", has something of a substance abuse problem. Her Valium use is the primary reason for her constant vagueness. [Back]

23] AP is a science geek and a very good one, but everybody makes mistakes sometimes. And as we see in "A Sporting Mischance", "A Hard Day's Write" and "Gym Dandy", AP is a total loss when it comes to anything remotely to do with sports or serious physical co-ordination. [Back]

24] Daria's not usually the perpetrator of such things. But we've seen it from Lynn ["Kiss and Tell"], Jane ["How the Other Half Lives"], Jodie ["Secrets and Lies"] and Jesse ["A Dated Concept"]. [Back]

25] Tom Lehrer is the songster that came up with things like "The Elements", "We Will All Go Together When We Go", "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park" and "The Masochism Tango" - all used in "Tour of Duty". [Back]

26] The ep is called "The City on the Edge of Forever". And it is indeed a classic. Ben came up with this for another ep and I thought it should be used. [Back]

27] He should remember this. He was, after all, Romeo in the junior year production of "Romeo and Juliet" with Lynn as his leading lady ["An Irony of Errors" through "Love's Labour"]. The only reason he could pull it of was that he wasn't acting. [Back]

28] It's the look-alike/think-alike thing again, as evidenced from "A Meeting of the Brains" on. It's bound to be getting stupid by now. [Back]


Daria Morgendorffer et al are the creations of Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn but are owned by MTV, a Viacom company, copyright 1997, 2000. [Apparently, this is possible by 'work for hire', a concept that eludes me.] Lynn Cullen and AP McIntyre, on the other hand, were created and are owned by me, one Janet 'Canadibrit' Neilson, copyright 1999, 2000. Touch my characters without consulting me and it will go hard with you. This is a "substantially transformative" derivative work, apparently [what a highfalutin way to say fanfic], and is protected by the Supreme Court's decision in re Campbell v. Acuff Rose Music, so keep the copyright notice where it is and don't post it for money. If you do so without my permission and that of MTV Networks, I WILL pull a Lynn Cullen on you. And then I'll call lawyers.

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