(Opening montage. Music: "You're Standing On My Neck" - Splendora.

LHS corridor. Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP by the lockers. As one body, they facefault and turn their heads to look at something out of shot. Lynn flicks her wrist, producing a knife, and dashes out of shot.

Football field, near the bleachers. Kevin and Brittany arguing. AP, sitting in the bleachers wearing a LHS marching band uniform and a completely disgusted expression, picks up a large pair of cymbals and smashes them together right near Kevin and Brittany's ears.

Pizza King. Quinn sitting at a table, sobbing with rage. Lynn looks at her, eyebrow raised in what is, for her, sympathy, and hands over a book. Quinn looks at the cover and stops crying as her face slowly brightens to an evil smirk.

AP's room. AP completely engrossed in a video game. Daria watches him play for a moment, disgust in her face, then starts digging through his cabinets.

LHS corridor. Mrs Bennett opens a door to reveal a broom closet in which Lynn and AP are making out; Lynn and AP break off a kiss as the door opens. They look at Bennett for a moment, then Lynn gives a wide grin and shuts the door in her face.

Morgendorffer front hallway. Jake going completely ballistic at Jerome, who is standing on the front step and looking at Jake in a manner that suggests that he's two seconds from calling the men in white coats. Then Jake takes a swing at Jerome.

The Zen. Daria, Jane, AP, Andrea, Guy, Casey and Mara at a table. Upchuck is leering at Mara, who regards him for a moment and then pulls him forward by the collar and kisses him hard, mouth open. When she lets go, Upchuck falls over in a dead faint. Jane looks extremely impressed.

Lane front door. Jane [in artist's smock and beret] and Jodie [ratty jeans, baggy T-shirt, clipboard, pencil behind her ear] open the door to find Quinn standing there wearing a seirafuku and a hopeful expression.

Biers. Someone has set it on fire; Lynn and Daria are wielding fire extinguishers that were probably new in 1931 [they contain water and you have to hand-pump them], trying to control the worst of the flames.

Daria and Lynn side-by-side again, smirking slightly. As the original montage sequence, the camera pulls in and then out again to reveal two interlocking circles; one contains the Daria logo and the other contains a corresponding 'Lynn' version. Writing underneath in the Daria font reads, "Daria in...")


A Daria Fan Fiction - TLAS 4:09

(Scene: LHS cafeteria. Music: "Would Not Come" - Alanis Morissette. Daria and Lynn sitting opposite each other at a table, looking at their 'food'.)

Lynn: Twelve o'clock and all's... (trails off.)

Daria: (after a slight pause) Decent?

Lynn: Acceptable?

Daria: Tolerable.

Lynn: Meh.1

Upchuck: (OS) Well, hel-LO, my dusky beauty...

(Daria and Lynn turn to the source of the disturbance. Jodie is sitting rigid, obviously trying not to go postal, as Upchuck slimes into a seat beside her.)

Upchuck: I couldn't help but notice that relations are ... shall we say, strained ... between yourself and the talented Michael Jordan MacKenzie.2

Jodie: (sullen) What's it to YOU?

Upchuck: Well, I know that breakups are so ... terribly DIFFICULT, especially when one has been in the relationship for so long a time. And I thought I would offer... (puts a hand on Jodie's shoulder) ...some comfort...

(There is a *snap* noise; pan quickly back to Daria and Lynn, who look toward the source of the noise. We pan to see what they see and find Mack holding two pieces of a plastic spork3 - the expression on his face suggests that he involuntarily snapped it out of sheer rage.)

Jamie: Dude! You just MUTILATED that spork!

(Mack does not reply; just continues to do the slow burn. Pan back to Daria and Lynn, who look at each other.)

Daria & Lynn: (in unison) Not.

(Still in unison, they shove their trays to one side [Lynn's falls off the table] and drop their heads onto the table. Enter Jane and AP, carrying trays and looking confused.)

Jane: (to AP) It's finally happened. The cafeteria ladies went psycho and poisoned the food.

AP: Wasn't that a 'Buffy' ep?

Jane: Apparently. (beat; it hits) Wait; you KNOW that?

AP: Hey, YOU read Buffyfic...4

(We hear a scream OS; Daria and Lynn look up to where Jane and AP look. We see Upchuck wearing a large quantity of something reddish-brown, steaming but totally unidentifiable - Slop of the Day at the LHS caf, presumably. Jodie is holding an empty tray and wearing a nasty smirk that would be more at home on Lynn's face. Cut then to a scuffle-sound in the other direction; pan to see Mack holding Kevin in a head-lock.)

Kevin: Hey, look, Bro! *glork* Bro, what'd I... *gaaaaaaaaak*5

(Back to Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP, who look at each other.)

Jane: THAT?

Daria & Lynn: (in unison) Uh-huuuuuuh...

AP: Sheeeeeeesh. It's been DAYS.

Jane: They've been going out since junior high. And it takes THIS to break them up.

AP: He's being DUMB! I mean, so what if GPA Girl's kinda involved in the fringes of a Mafia Family!

Lynn: A little louder, AP. I don't think they heard you in Newark.

AP: But *I* got over it, and he's more ... more ... I dunno, clued into the way her mind works than I am with ... (blushing maroon) thatmakesSQUATallsensenevermind.

Lynn: I see what you mean, though. We have to do something. (beat) AP, you've been in the situation Mack's in - talk to him?

AP: ('gleep') But ... but ... but... Purple PERIL! I mean, you CAN'T do that to me! I mean, I don't do words! Even those first-day-of-school-let's-screw-with-the-teachers'-tiny-little-minds speeches were all prepared by YOU!6 I mean, I mean, I mean...

Daria: Don't worry about eloquence, AP. Just talk from the heart. He'll understand.

AP: Uhhhhhhhh...

Lynn: I have faith in you. On this one, you'll do fine.

AP: (blushing himself stupid) Uuuuuuuuuuuukay...

Jane: But what about Jodie?

Daria: Lynn, you know about the situation she's in. Maybe you could...

Lynn: It can't be just me. I ... I need a different spin on the .... well, the Family. But someone who knows how it feels to try to keep someone they care about OUT of it.

(Everyone turns to Jane.)

Jane: (backing off) Hey, do NOT look at me like that. I don't talk to Goat-boy enough to have to worry about spilling anything.7

Daria: (nearly under her breath) Unless you talk in your sleep...

Jane: (semi-irritated smirk) You evil...

Lynn: Excuse me... (sigh) I have ONE idea...

(Scene: LHS corridor. Music: "Everlong" - Foo Fighters. Quinn is applying lipstick, seemingly calm.)

Lynn: (OS) Narci...

(*SMACK* - we never saw it happen, but suddenly, Quinn's facing Lynn. Lynn is holding Quinn's wrist - Quinn had lashed out at Lynn with a fist and had it blocked.)

Quinn: HEY!

Lynn: (raised eyebrow) Nice reflexes.

Quinn: (sullen) Shut up.8 (beat) What do you want, anyway, sneaking up on me like that?

Lynn: You owe me fairly big, and while I normally wouldn't call it in, this is an emergency.
9 And bigger than me. You know Jodie Landon?

Quinn: (perking up a bit) Sure! One of the few people I know who can be brainy AND popular all at the same time! What about her?

Lynn: (raised eyebrow) You can't be THAT out of the loop.

Quinn: Oh. Her and Mack. Right.

Lynn: Well, in a way, it's our fault. (to Quinn's facefault) I'll fill you in after school. I'm going to need your input on this.

Quinn: But why ME? I mean, I'm not...

Lynn: Intelligent? Deep? Capable of rational argument? That's a crock and you know it. You PROVED it by getting to TBM in the first place. Why you try to hide it, I don't know.

Quinn: But...

Lynn: It's right up your alley. Meddling in the affairs of the popular. (beat) USED to be up your alley, anyway. (beat) Meet me in the parking lot directly after school. I brook no argument here, Narcissa.

(Lynn walks off, leaving Quinn looking pissed off and scared all at once.)

(Scene: another LHS corridor. Music plays on. Mack at his locker. AP approaches nervously, then clears his throat. Mack doesn't seem to notice - doesn't react, at least.)

AP: Hey ho, Picard.

Mack: (listless) Hi, AP. (beat; it registers) Say WHAT?

AP (shrug) Well, Captain Sanity just doesn't fit anymore. Picard's a captain and he gets pissed in a BIG way since the Locutus thing.10

Mack: I'll ... just take your word for it.

(Uncomfortable silence)

AP: Uh ... wanna do pizza after school?

Mack: (suspicious) Why?

AP: Well, the GPA Girl thing. Y'know ... I kinda thought ... well, I KNOW, okay?

Mack: 'Know'...?

AP: What it's like where you are NOW. (beat) You know we can't do this here. Now, we gonna do pizza or what?

(Mack just looks at AP for a moment.)

(Scene: Lawndale street. Music plays on. Jodie walking on her own, looking miserable. The Merc pulls up alongside; Lynn behind the wheel and Quinn [looking sullen and worried] riding shotgun.)

Lynn: (over Quinn's head) In.

Jodie: (*blink*) Wh...

Lynn: IN.

Quinn: I wouldn't argue.

(Jodie, not willing to argue with Lynn, she being who she is, gets into the back of the car. It speeds off.)

(Scene: AP's room. Music: "How Soon Is Now?" - The Smiths. Mack and AP sitting on the floor, a pizza box between them.)

Mack: You're not worried about your parents hearing this?

AP: (a little too offhand) Nay. Dad's at work and he doesn't pay attention anyway. And Mom ... well, if she didn't hear when I blew up three Erlenmeyer flasks and a fume hood, she won't hear this.11 (to Mack's look) Like Purple Peril says, you think I'm kidding.

Mack: (shakes head) I don't want to know.

AP: (back to business) But you do. Or you umknow, anyway.

Mack: UMknow?

AP: Kindasorta. (blink) Damn Warlock-speak.12 (shakes his head as if to clear it) Anyway. Look. Purple Peril didn't vent about this Mafia crap; not really. When she finally told us, it was cos we had her so cornered she HAD to fill us in. All last spring, after the Nazi Jackboot thing, she shut us out.

Mack: (sullen) Jodie LIED to me.

AP: Purple Peril lied to ME, y'know. About where she was, who she was with... (slight choke) How much trouble she was in...13

Mack: (nearly impressed) And you stuck it out?

AP: Cos I care. And when I heard, I was glad I did. Means I can do what I can to help her. When she lets me.

Mack: (nearly to himself) Why didn't Jodie trust me enough to...

AP: (severe) NO. (Mack looks startled) It's not about TRUST. First it didn't have anything to do with her; then there were BULLETS. (AP takes off his jacket and shows his arm, where the bullet-graze scar is.14) She wanted you OUT, like Lynn wanted US out. And can you BLAME her, if it means she cares?

Mack: What about HER? Who keeps JODIE out?

AP: Nobody, now. All you can do is help her cope ... or let her deal alone.


Mack: (slowly) And I thought you were only smart about...

AP: What, all things techno-weaselly? I WAS. (beat; heavy) It was learn or lose out. On EVERYTHING.

(There is silence for a moment as Mack digests this.)

Mack: (sigh) What do I do?

AP: (nervous - no one's ever asked HIM for advice before) Uh ... I ... guess ... eee... (beat) Maybe you should talk to Purple Peril and Erudite Emerald about that. (beat) Neo-Grunge Earache's playing a gig at the Zen tonight. You could come talk to 'em there if you wanted.

Mack: Neo-Grunge EARACHE? (figures it out) Oh. (beat) Maybe. Thanks, AP.

AP: Hey, no problem. (as Mack gets up) Not gonna stay for the pizza?

Mack: The smell coming off YOUR half of that thing lost me my appetite.15 But thanks anyway.

(With a small smirk, Mack exits. AP opens the pizza box, looks at it, and shrugs.)

(Scene: Lynn's room. Music: "One For The Razorbacks" - Green Day. Jodie's sitting on the desk chair again, looking a little scared. Lynn is sitting cross-legged at the foot of her bed, a deadly serious look on her face. Quinn is standing by the door, either for ease in her own escape or prevention of Jodie's [Jodie's probably thinking the latter, hence the fear], looking pissed off and sullen beyond belief.)

Jodie: Why am I here?

Lynn: We'd like to talk to you about the situation between yourself and Mack.

Jodie: It's really none of your business.

Lynn: No? Tell me things weren't going all that well BEFORE we had to let you in on this.

Jodie: Well...

Quinn: Oh, LET her take the blame! I mean...

(Lynn throws Quinn a glare. Quinn shuts up.)

Jodie: Why is SHE here?

Quinn: Cos *I* have a boyfriend who isn't INTO this mess! And I know about wanting to keep it that way.16

Lynn: The problem with that is that, unless you're not close, the SO in question will find out that SOMETHING'S going wrong the minute things start getting complicated. And with this kind of situation, there's no way to avoid complications.

Quinn: TELL me about it. I can't even go on VACATION without getting shot at anymore. (beat; realises) But Ted...

Lynn: (gentle, for her) Bubble Boy know's something's up with you, Narcissa. He's just too gentle to press and too naive to guess anywhere near the mark.

Quinn: (ignoring that; changing target) Jodie ... all this stuff ... it's not SAFE. But ... (long beat) ... well, they kept ME safe, and they don't even LIKE me all that much. (Lynn looks at her) They like you, and they like Mack. They're GOING to keep YOU safe.

Lynn: (completing the double-team) He's in on it now, like it or not. You can shut him out, which will hurt you both in a lot of ways ... or you can help him and let him help you.

(There is silence.)

Jodie: (sigh of defeat) I just need to get out of that house for awhile. Maybe I'd be able to think if Mom and Dad weren't yelling at me about my future with the Family.

Lynn: Well, can't guarantee you coherent thought there, but if you want out of the house, Mystik Spiral's playing the Zen tonight. Want me to stick your name on the guest list?

Jodie: (nervous) Uhhh...

Quinn: Well, it's not like you have to GO! I mean, even if it IS a townie GRUNGE band thing, having your name on the guest list at a CLUB is a ... cut? Cup?

Lynn: Coup.

Quinn: What-EVER. (to Lynn) Put her on the guest list ANYWAY. She can always say she had a better offer if someone asks.

Jodie: (more nerves) Yeah. I'll think about it. (beat) Thanks, you two.

(Jodie leaves. Lynn and Quinn look at each other.)

Lynn: I hate to admit this, but we make a good team.

Quinn: Yeah. No kidding.

Lynn: (reluctant) Did ... YOU want on the Zen guest list?

Quinn: Are you INSANE? I just told her that to make sure she gets out of the HOUSE tonight! I've heard you guys ENOUGH! (beat) Anyway, *I* have something BETTER to do with my day.

(With that, she flounces out. Lynn shakes her head somewhat ruefully.)

END ACT 1 - ADVERTS [Lead-in: moving S4 bumpers - Mack holding Kevin in the headlock, Lynn blocking Quinn's punch, Jodie getting into the Merc.]

McDonalds: This is a radio ad. This guy keeps collapsing every time he hears the 'great value' he's getting by paying $1.99 for a McChicken, fries and a drink that probably cost the McDonalds corporation 35 cents.

Verizon Wireless: I think, anyway. "The Net has evolved. Have YOU?" If you want a show of lack of evolution in humans, show the 9 o'clock news, not people acting like the primates they are.

(Scene: the Zen. Mara is sitting, feet on a table [revealling one lethal pair of boots and good legs], looking sulky. Enter AP, who looks at Mara, considers a moment, then sits down at the table.)

AP: Hey ho, Nympho-Goth...

Mara: Stop calling me that, geek-ball. (beat) What are YOU doing here, anyway?17

AP: Came to see Purple Peril play. Y'know, the GIRLFRIEND...

Mara: (raised eyebrow) KNEW the breakup wouldn't last.18

AP: Come again?

Mara: Never mind. Knew she was talking out her rosy red rear-end. You two ... you've got this thing.

(Enter Daria and Jane, who look bemusedly at the semi-recumbent Mara and the confused-looking AP before sitting down.)

Jane: Yo. (beat) Mara.

Mara: Hey. How's Guy?

Jane: Goat-boy's fine.

Mara: (sly grin) Isn't he JUST? I mean, no muscle tone to speak of - hell, no MUSCLES to speak of - but when he does that...

Daria: (starting to stand up) Walking away now...

Jane: (pulling her down) Nonononono, no TMI here. (glaring at Mara) RIGHT, Nympho-Goth?

Mara: If you stop calling me that.

AP: So what are YOU doing here?

Mara: Date went bust, basically. Geez, some guys just have no STAMINA...

(AP raises his eyebrows, as do Daria and Jane [who would have heard the rumours by now]. Then Jane turns around and facefaults.)

Jane: I haven't even hit the *bar* yet and I'm seeing things...

(Daria, AP and Mara turn in Jane's direction. Daria and AP facefault as well, but Mara shrugs.)

Mara: Oh, Casey's girlfriend. Don't even know her name. Every time I ask, she GLARES at me.

(Pan to where Casey Wright is crossing the room ... arm in arm with Andrea. Back to Daria, Jane and AP, who still look stunned.)

AP: I said! I SAID, didn't I? I...19

Mara: I don't even want to KNOW what you said... (hollering) HEY GRUNT! AND ... uhhhh ... YOU! OVER HERE!

(Casey and Mara step up to the table with matching glares.)

Casey: (nearly unintelligible grunt) Yo Mara. (beat) AP. (long beat) Uhhhhhhhh... otherpeople.

(Pan to the stage, where the Spiral are set up and ready to play. Lynn looks inexplicably disgruntled.)

Lynn: This song is by REQUEST. (glare at Nick)

Max: (whiny) I still don't see why we couldn't do "Tanks for the Memories"!

Lynn: This is NOT the place for asinine tributes to that hunk of tin. And ask me one more time, and I'll duct tape your mouth shut, tie you to the bumper of the A-Tank and drive you into the Quarry.

(And with that, they begin.)

Lynn/Trent: o/ All our times have come/Here but now they're gone o/

Lynn: Seasons don't fear the reaper, nor do the wind or the sun or the rain o/

Trent/Nick: (umharmony) We can be like they are...

Lynn: (wince) o/ C'mon baby o/...

Trent/Nick: (nonharmony) Don't fear the reaper!20

(Cut back to the table at which the gang is sitting. Upchuck approaches, shies away from Daria, then spots Mara and his face breaks into his most impressive leer.)

Upchuck: Well HELLO, my dark fiesty one! (leering at her legs) Is that a run in your stocking, or the stairway to heaven?

(Mara regards him for a moment and then pulls him forward by the collar and kisses him hard, mouth open. When she lets go, Upchuck falls over in a dead faint. Jane looks extremely impressed.)

Mara: So he WAS all talk. (beat; disappointed) Damn.

Jane: I've never seen ANYONE do that.

Mara: It's all in the technique. (sly smirk) I can demonstrate, if you like...

Jane: (backing off slightly) I'm going to stick to guys for now, but thanks for asking. (AP snickers) Oh, shut up.21

(Enter Mack, who looks a bit trepidatious. AP spots him and waves and Mack approaches.)

Mack: (sitting down) Hey AP!

AP: Hey Picard.

Mara: (glare) Oh, that Trekkie crap again. (semi-leer at Mack) You don't LOOK like one of those...

Mack: I'm not. He just...

Mara: (smirk) Didn't THINK so.

Jane: Hands off the merchandise, Nympho-Goth. THIS one's taken.

Mack: Why are you talking about me like I'm meat?

Daria: Unless you WANTED to go the way of Upchuck.

Mack: (nervous swallow) Okay...

(Music fades, crowd jeers)

Lynn: Thank you for your patience, ladies and gentlemen, and I promise we'll never play that song ever again.

(Crowd cheers)

Daria: (mutter) In the bad acoustics of the Zen, the Spiral butchered a song.

Lynn: (off mike, to band) And there was much rejoicing.22

(Back to the table with the gang, where Upchuck is just getting to his feet and staring at Mara in nearly superstitious awe. Mara looks him over like cattle until...)

Mara: You'll do for now. (beat) But do something about those clothes and...

(She sticks a hand into Upchuck's hair and ruffles vigorously. Upchuck's hair springs into AP-esque disarray. AP stares.23)

Upchuck: Uh ... uh ... uuuuuuuuuuuuh...

Mara: Oh, sit down and shut up.

Upchuck: (totally cowed) Yes'm.

Lynn: An encore? To clean your ears?

(Crowd indicates assent. Spiral thrashes into Offspring's "Conspiracy of One". Jodie appears in the doorway of the Zen and sees Mack sitting at the table with Daria, Jane and the others. She looks absolutely horrified at seeing Mack with the fledgling Mafiosa; Andrea looks up and sees her at the door.)

Andrea: Hey Jodie!

(Jodie spins and runs just as Mack looks around and sees her exit.)

Mack: (getting up) Oh hell.

(Mack exits at a run as well.)

END ACT 2 - ADVERTS [Lead-in: Moving S4 bumpers - Mara kissing Upchuck, Trent and Nick umharmonising, Jodie running out of the club.]

iMac: They come in polka-dots now. Walk, don't run, away from these things. They should come with a health warning - the following shall induce migraines.

Next in The Look-Alike Series: When four of our regulars get busted for PDA (not necessarily who you'd expect), the gang must perform ... let's say a variation on "Operation Sound of Silence" in "Display Model".

(Scene: the club again. Music: still the Spiral rendition of "Conspiracy of One". Mara and Casey look confused.)

Mara: Guys ... chase AFTER...

AP: Don't think about it, Nympho-Goth. It'll make your unfaithful little head hurt.

Mara: (indignant) Fine. Then I wanna HEAR this. Maybe LEARN something...

(Mara makes to get up. AP gets up too, but not as fast as Jane, who nearly *throws* Mara back into her chair.)

Jane: (nearly panicked) Nonononono... That's gonna be personal... Uh...

AP: We go for pizza? We go for pizza, like, NOW?

Jane: YEAH, and Daria, maybe you can stay behind and tell the others ... you know ... where we went?

Daria: (sigh) Okay.

(AP leads the exodus out of the club. Mara drags Upchuck up by the shirt and drags him away - he moves like someone beaned him upside the head with a sock full of half-brick. As Jane brings up the rear to prevent stragglers who might trip over Jodie and Mack's conversation, Daria grabs her by the arm. Jane looks a bit shocked.)

Jane: Wha...

Daria: (through clenched teeth) If this is even PARTLY the yenta act again, I will personally ... ask Lynn for advice on the best way to make you VERY sorry.

Jane: (small smirk) If it was, you think she'd help YOU?24

(Daria winces, blushes and scowls all at once. Jane disengages herself, smirk even wider, and jogs off.)

(Scene: Zen exterior. Music: softly, from the club, "Conspiracy of One". AP leads the pack out. Andrea and Casey follow, hand in hand, closely pursued by Mara, dragging Upchuck. Jane trails behind. Mara turns to Jane, a sly little smirk on her face.)

Mara: I got some of that. Pulling a cupid on the Lynn-clone cold fish?

Jane: (indignant defensiveness) She is NOT a cold fish!

Mara: I've only ever seen her a teensy bit flustered. Or a teensy bit pissed off. Never anything EXTREME. Where's her FIRE?

Jane: (thinking back with a shudder) It's there.25

(They walk past an alley, Mara staring at Jane like she's nuts. We keep focusing on the alley and then pan in, where Mack has pinned Jodie to a wall, looking at her with concern.)

Mack: You okay? (Jodie frowns at him.) We shouldn't talk about it here. You know anyplace?

(Jodie gives him a cautious look.)

(Scene: Zen interior, backstage. Lynn steps offstage, followed closely by Trent. They stop, slightly taken aback, when they see Daria, arms folded, waiting for them.)

Lynn: (gauging the look) What happened?

Daria: Jodie showed. Mack went after her. They're going to talk.

(Lynn looks at Daria for a moment, reading her with the ease of the look-alike. Then she nods.)

Lynn: Fill them in as much as you have to.

(With that, she takes off.)

Daria: But ... you're my...

Lynn: (OS) Get a ride with Trent! (nearly inaudible, but with smirk) Like that's a hardship...

(Daria scowls in the direction in which Lynn left, then turns to Trent, who is now flanked by Jesse, Nick and Max, all of whom look puzzled as hell.)

Jesse: Huh?

Daria: Reader's Digest version - the Landons are tied in with Angier Sloane, and so with the Smythes. Mack found out about it and was not impressed. They looked like they were about to break up over it. They ran into each other here tonight and we're just trying to make sure they have the one-on-one conversation they need to have to save their relationship.

(There is silence. The quartet just stare at Daria. Finally...)

Max: Wow Daria, I never knew you had a romantic streak.

Daria: Maybe a Cupid streak.

Jesse: Cupid streak? You mean, like, without the diaper?

(Exit one wincing Trent, slamming the door)

Daria: What's with HIM? (That causes a bunch of furtive 'looks' to be shared by the bandmembers.) Spill, or I'll get Lynn.

Max: But what about the CODE, man?

8 Daria: WHAT code?

Jesse: The code. You never tell the girl a guy likes that...

(Nick and Max, in unison, smack Jesse upside the head. Daria stares at all three of them, unable to believe what she just heard.)

Daria: I see. Walking away now.

(She takes off in the same direction Lynn left in - *slam* A door next to it and Trent pokes his head out, looking so beyond pissed off it's not funny.)

Trent: (sarcasm on full) Good one, Jesse.

(He pulls back into the room and slams the door again.)

(Scene: Biers. Music: "Ordinary World" - Duran Duran. Jodie barges in the front door, followed by Mack, who grabs her arm.)

Mack: Will you STOP?

Jodie: First you tell me off for being involved with the Smythes! THEN you don't talk to me! THEN, if that wasn't bad ENOUGH, you turn yourself into a total HYPOCRITE by...

Mack: Jodie...

Jodie: (overriding) ...hanging AROUND with them! THEM! I thought...

Mack: I was there to get advice about YOU!

(Dead silence.)

Jodie: Y ... you were?

Mack: AP came to me offering advice. Turned out the best advice he could offer me was to go talk to Lynn.

Jodie: (slight frown) That's weird. Lynn suggested *I*... (something registers) You think they planned that? So we'd have to talk SOMEHOW?

Mack: I wouldn't put it past ANY of them.

Jodie: You know what really stinks? (to Mack's slightly quizzical look) It worked.

Mack: (sheepish) Yeah. I guess it did. (long pause) Look, Jodie... (sigh) Look, I know what's at stake here. I'd still rather be with you, even under the threat of that, than not. I'm sorry for the way I reacted. (Jodie nods slightly; slight pause) Your turn?

Jodie: I'm not apologising.

Mack: JODIE...

Jodie: I stand by the decision I made. I was worried you would get involved - and that it would cost you your life. If I hadn't blurted it out by accident, you STILL wouldn't know. (beat) But I'm sorry you got so upset about it. (to Mack's stony look) It's the best I can DO, Mack.

(There's a long pause.)

Mack: We should go. I think we both have curfew.

(Jodie looks warily at Mack and then nods. They turn and walk towards the door side by side. As they approach the door, Jodie's hand brushes Mack's. He instinctively takes it and they freeze dead. They look at each other, and a nearly inperceptible smile plays over their faces. They walk out hand in hand. Pan to a dark corner near the bar, where Lynn is standing with a small smile on her own face.)

(Scene: Lawndale street. Music plays on. Daria walking blindly down a road, a look of stunned disbelief on her face. Eventually...)

Daria: (stunned) He ... can't POSSIBLY still...

(Scene: Plymouth interior. Music plays on. Trent driving, in a similar state of stunned disbelief. After a moment...)

Trent: She ... couldn't...

(Split-screen. Music plays on. Their facial expressions go very regretful and sad and they give vent to rueful sighs.)

Daria & Trent: (in unison) Nah.

(Fade to black.)


1] Adapted from a conversation I had with StarKat the day this bit of dialogue got written. Thanks, love. [Back]

2] "Secrets and Lies" addresses this one. And thanks to Martin Pollard for correcting my spelling for MacKenzie. [Back]

3] Sporks will now and forever make me think of Ben Yee, my co-author. And to him I can only say one thing. "SPUCK! SPUCK! SPUCK! SPUCK! SPUCK! SPUCK! SPUCK! SPUCK! SPUCK! SPUCK!"26 [Back]

4] Once again, more value for your endnote. The episode of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" is one I've seen - I don't remember what it's called and it's probably better so. And we get the impression that Jane has read Buffyfic in "The Lawndale Witch Project". [Back]

5] One of the times Mack asks Kevin not to call him Mack Daddy, Kevin calls him "Bro" instead. This, judging by the look on Mack's face, is not an improvement. And *glork* is Ben's "I'm being killed" noise so I thought it was appropriate. [Back]

6] In "And Then There Were Four", AP demonstrates some surprising eloquence with respect to his total lack of verbosity later on. Anyone who wondered how that was possible for him - well, now you know.[Back]

7] Jane has an "on-again, off-again" relationship going with Guy "Goat-boy" Mann, the lead singer/guitarist from the reformed Back Alley Name-Droppers ["Sets and the Single Girls" and "Thrash of the Titans" respectively]. It's not deep and predominantly physical, so of course Jane's not too worried. [Back]

8] In "Tour of Duty", Quinn demonstrated an ability to, in the immortal words of Austin Loomis, "kick someone's butt up around their shoulder blades". [Back]

9] Returning to ToD for a moment, Lynn rescued Quinn and [primarily] AP from the Merritt stronghold by sacrificing herself to them. Yeah. She's owed. BIG.[Back]

10] In "The Best of Both Worlds" part 1 and 2, Captain Jean-Luc Picard gets abducted by the Borg and assimilated into "Locutus" for ease in assimilating Sector 0001 [Earth and related]. Since then, as evidenced in the movie "First Contact", he gets a little ... narky. [And yes, the only part of this I didn't do from memory is the ep name. And yes, that IS sad.] [Back]

11] AP's parents are just as unconcerned as most of the rest of TLAS parents. Fred seems to have wanted a more sports-and-cars sort of son and Carol has a substance abuse problem [Valium]. And to answer Ben's question, yes, AP has a fume hood in his bedroom. He is a chem geek as well. [Back]

12] Um-[whatever] is a Yeeism of old. Yeah, it means kindasorta or not-quite, in this context. For example, McDonalds is umfood and that 60% decaf mix that Chad served me when I visited is umcoffee. [Back]

13] If you don't realise the truth in this, you didn't read S3. You are now lost. Sorry, but it's your own damn fault. [Back]

14] He got shot during the attack on Lynn in "Liaisons". Lynn cites the scar in "Love's Labour". [Back]

15] AP's umpizza, mark 1 - tuna, onions, capers, artichoke hearts, cayenne peppers and shrimp. Sometimes extra garlic. [Back]

16] We are, of course, referring to Ted DeWitt-Clinton, who we meet in "The New Kid", Quinn's steady boyfriend as of "Love Him or Leave Him". [Back]

17] Mara and AP were bandmates in the Back-Alley Name-Droppers with Lynn and Casey Wright, as we discover for the first time in the "Growing Cynical" chapter 'Rock Banned'. [Back]

18] And in "Thrash of the Titans", Lynn states to Mara that she and AP were not dating [true at the time, though she had been pretending to date AP all the way through high school]. [Back]

19] In ToD, AP's exact quote on Daria's love life was, "Just don't set her up with Casey Wright. He doesn't deal well with women who talk more than he does. (beat) He doesn't get out much." And I did this to echo the Andrea revelation in "Mart of Darkness". [Back]

20] Blame Ben for this. [Back]

21] Jane says this in a facetious manner in "Jane's Addition". And puncrime/refcrime two-for-one. Whifflebat. *bonk* [Back]

22] "And there was much rejoicing" ["yaaaaaaaaaay."] - one of the most used Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail among Ben, Kat, Wind and myself. And Lynn and Daria complete the quote cos of the Look-Alike thing established ALL OVER THE PLACE in this series. [Back]

23] As pointed out by Austin Loomis back when he was prose adapting "And Then There Were Four", there *are* some similarities between Upchuck and AP from the physical standpoint. [Back]

24] If the canon show can return to the yenta act, why can't we? We never established that we weren't going Shipping. And as for the other, Lynn helps Jane with the yentaing through most of S1. And it's a wonder no one ever noticed that when Lynn continued the yenta act with Daria/Trent even though she COULD have helped her get AP... [Back]

25] "Liaisons" - she slaps Kate Cullen into next year. "Job Lots" - she kicks Upchuck "inna fork", as Pterry is wont to put it. "ToD" - she puts a gun in people's faces, blows an entire building to hell with only a cursory check for anyone but 'her' people and slaps JEROME into next year. Yeah. The fire is there. [Back]

26] Read "Behind the Glasses 3" for the "Spuck!" thing. [Back]


Daria Morgendorffer et al are the creations of Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn but are owned by MTV, a Viacom company, copyright 1997, 2000. [Apparently, this is possible by 'work for hire', a concept that eludes me.] Lynn Cullen and AP McIntyre, on the other hand, were created and are owned by me, one Janet 'Canadibrit' Neilson, copyright 1999, 2000. Touch my characters without consulting me and it will go hard with you. This is a "substantially transformative" derivative work, apparently [what a highfalutin way to say fanfic], and is protected by the Supreme Court's decision in re Campbell v. Acuff Rose Music, so keep the copyright notice where it is and don't post it for money. If you do so without my permission and that of MTV Networks, I WILL pull a Lynn Cullen on you. And then I'll call lawyers.