(Opening montage. Music: "You're Standing On My Neck" - Splendora.

LHS corridor. Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP by the lockers. As one body, they facefault and turn their heads to look at something out of shot. Lynn flicks her wrist, producing a knife, and dashes out of shot.

Football field, near the bleachers. Kevin and Brittany arguing. AP, sitting in the bleachers wearing a LHS marching band uniform and a completely disgusted expression, picks up a large pair of cymbals and smashes them together right near Kevin and Brittany's ears.

Pizza King. Quinn sitting at a table, sobbing with rage. Lynn looks at her, eyebrow raised in what is, for her, sympathy, and hands over a book. Quinn looks at the cover and stops crying as her face slowly brightens to an evil smirk.

AP's room. AP completely engrossed in a video game. Daria watches him play for a moment, disgust in her face, then starts digging through his cabinets.

LHS corridor. Mrs Bennett opens a door to reveal a broom closet in which Lynn and AP are making out; Lynn and AP break off a kiss as the door opens. They look at Bennett for a moment, then Lynn gives a wide grin and shuts the door in her face.

Morgendorffer front hallway. Jake going completely ballistic at Jerome, who is standing on the front step and looking at Jake in a manner that suggests that he's two seconds from calling the men in white coats. Then Jake takes a swing at Jerome.

The Zen. Daria, Jane, AP, Andrea, Guy, Casey and Mara at a table. Upchuck is leering at Mara, who regards him for a moment and then pulls him forward by the collar and kisses him hard, mouth open. When she lets go, Upchuck falls over in a dead faint. Jane looks extremely impressed.

Lane front door. Jane [in artist's smock and beret] and Jodie [ratty jeans, baggy T-shirt, clipboard, pencil behind her ear] open the door to find Quinn standing there wearing a seirafuku and a hopeful expression.

Biers. Someone has set it on fire; Lynn and Daria are wielding fire extinguishers that were probably new in 1931 [they contain water and you have to hand-pump them], trying to control the worst of the flames.

Daria and Lynn side-by-side again, smirking slightly. As the original montage sequence, the camera pulls in and then out again to reveal two interlocking circles; one contains the Daria logo and the other contains a corresponding 'Lynn' version. Writing underneath in the Daria font reads, "Daria in...")


A Daria Fan Fiction [TLAS 4:07]

(Scene: LHS corridor. Music: "Pale Green Stars" - Everclear. Lynn is collecting books and putting then into her bookbag - volume indicates 'weekend' workload, thus showing this is Friday. AP sneaks up behind her, opens his mouth...)

Lynn: (not looking up) Salutations, Maverick.

AP: (startled) GAH! (beat as he calms down) How'd you...

Lynn: You have a heavier tread than Jane and a slightly longer one than Daria. Now you wanted something?

AP: Ohyeah. (clears throat; recites) "Remember, remember, the fifth of November..."1

Lynn: You don't even know what that MEANS, Maverick...

AP: Sure I do! You explained it to me when you turned seven. We were sitting under that big oak in the school playground - you know, the one Chris Hutchins chased you up two months later and you kicked him in the nose and he had to go to the hospital?

Lynn: Vividly. It took DAYS to get the blood out of the tread of my sneakers.

AP: Well, your dad sent you that card and it had that written into it and you explained Guy Fawkes. (beat) I think it's DAMN cool that you were born the same day as an anarchist tried to blow up British Parliament!

Lynn: Appropriate, certainly.

AP: Annnnnnnd... (bouncing in a little circle around her like a total idiot; bad singsong) o/` You're gonna be and adu-ult! You're gonna be an adu-o/` (Lynn smacks him in the shoulder) OW!

Lynn: Yeah, yeah, the big 1-8. (sigh) If this was England, I'd be planning my first legal pub crawl by now. Note emphasis on the word 'legal'.

AP: Soooooo ... what DO you want to do for your birthday?

Lynn: Honestly? I have an early Spiral rehearsal, then I plan on curling up on the sofa on my own with a good book and enjoying my first birthday present in peace.

AP: Your first...

Lynn: (gentle smile) The house. Remember, come 4:17 Sunday morning, Chez Cullen is mine.2 (to AP's slightly downcast look) Hey, look, I don't really want to bother with it this year.

AP: But ... but...

Lynn: (kissing him on the cheek) I have somewhere to be. Later, Maverick. (She walks off.)

AP: But ... but ... but...

Lynn: (OS) Oh, stop that. You sound like an outboard motor.3


(And he dashes off after her.)

(Scene: LHS parking lot. Music plays on. Daria and Jane approach the Merc from one direction as Lynn, flanked by AP, approach from the other.)

AP: Damnit, Purple Peril, it's your eighteenth birthday and it only comes around ONCE. And you ARE going to celebrate it or ... or ... I'll crash AOL in your honour. (beat; derailment) Hmm. Maybe I'll do that anyway.4 (Lynn smirks and opens the car door. AP, back on track, grabs it to keep her from closing it. To Daria and Jane, who are watching with bemusement) Look, guys, we aren't going to let her ignore her eighteenth birthday, are we?

Jane: Uh, I'll have to go with NO on that one.

Daria: Why wouldn't you want to celebrate your eighteenth?

Lynn: (sigh) Because we've already had one party this week.5 Because I'm not a fan of people singing Happy Birthday at me or being the centre of attention.

Daria: Do the words "Mystik Spiral" ring a bell?6

Lynn: That's different. That's not ME.

Daria: Sure LOOKS like you. (to the smirks from Jane and AP) Don't even THINK about it.

Jane: (over-innocent) Wasn't even THINKING about it...

(While they're distracted, Lynn gets into the car and slams the door shut, ripping it out of AP's hands.)

AP: Ow...

Lynn: Guys, fact remains, it's no big deal. I'm just getting one year older, and capable of voting. Though, given the choices I have my first go-around, I don't think the ability to vote is such a priviledge anymore. (wry smirk) I'm still not even legal for my crossbow.7 (beat) Anyway, guys, please, no fuss, no presents, and no. Damn. Party.

(She drives off. Daria, Jane and AP look at each other.)

Daria, Jane, AP: (in unison; smirk) Like hell.

(Scene: the Merc. Music: "Back Off Bitch" - Guns n Roses. Lynn driving at typical high speed, singing along with the car stereo...)

Lynn: o/` Back off; back off, bitch!/Down in the gutter, dyin' in the ditch; you'd better/Back off; back off, bitch!/Face of an angel with the love of a witch...o/`

(She trails off as she approaches her driveway, eyes widening as she spies what's waiting for her on her doorstep. Pulls a hairpin turn, stops on a dime in the driveway and clambers out of the car. Pan to the Cullen front door, where we see Kate standing. She steps up to Lynn, her face that shade of maroon.)

Lynn: (trying to leash the temper) Well. THIS is a surprise.

Kate: You CHANGED the LOCKS? I don't BELIEVE you had the GALL.

Lynn: Seeing is believing ... Jezebel.

Kate: You really HAVE been talking to your father, haven't you?

Lynn: HE showed up at the hospital.8

Kate: And you know WHY, don't you?

Lynn: (not going there) Does it matter? He came to see that I was all right and that could have got him arrested. More than YOU'VE ever done.

Kate: I did my best by you; you KNOW that.

Lynn: Faeces tauri. You did your best by your CAREER.

Kate: And you'd prefer go in with THEM, would you? Join the criminal underworld? Did I teach you NOTHING about the rules and how to follow them?

Lynn: Didn't exactly give me incentive to follow your teachings, let's just say.

Kate: I'm your MOTHER, damnit, show some RESPECT!

Lynn: When you show some for me, maybe I'll return the favour.

Kate: Respect is EARNED!

Lynn: (losing it) WHICH should tell you something.

Kate: You're just like your father, aren't you? Rude, insensitive, UTTERLY feckless... Lying, cheating, conniving little...

Lynn: (that's it; she's gone) Better than an unfeeling, overbearing, utterly controlling BITCH of a woman with the maternal instincts of the average BULLFROG.

Kate: How DARE you...?

Lynn: No, how dare YOU? This is MY house; MY name's on the deed now. And you're trespassing so get the HELL off my front lawn.

(Charcoal grey Honda Accord [obvious rental job] pulls up without the Cullen women noticing. Out steps Warlock, who surveys the scene for a split-second.9)

Kate: You try to haul me off for trespassing and I'll report your precious father AND his whole happy band for anything I can GET them on ... and that's QUITE a...

Warlock: Peril! Status report?

Lynn: Get lost! This is personal!

Warlock: (slightly taken aback) Just wanted to make sure you're...

Kate: She's fine and it's none of your affair anyway, now will you just get LOST? Who the hell ARE you, anyway, you nosy insufferable little PUNK?

Warlock: (takes one step forward, gets right in her face, absolutely humorless grin slowly forms - think a snake about to strike) Call me Warlock. (beat) Her father and (mocking tone) "his whole happy band" do.

(That freezes Kate for a moment and even Lynn stops to smirk at Kate's utter shock. Then she turns on Lynn again, ignoring Warlock entirely.)

Kate: So. You really DID connect with them, didn't you? Well, I should have figured. Bad blood will out.

Lynn: (pointed) Yeah, and I've got the temper to prove it.

Kate: Don't give me that, Lynn! I suppose you'd rather be like THEM, would you? Cutthroats for hire with the morals of alley cats?

Lynn: Some of them know more about morals than you'd learn in a lifetime, Jezebel.

Kate: (stepping forward a little and obviously just restraining herself from slapping her) Don't you call me that! I don't believe you'd throw in with that ... gang of HOODS! (snide) But of course, that life would suit YOU, wouldn't it. Not giving a damn about the consequences of any action, just so long as it benefits the goddamn FAMILY.

(Lynn, cold rage in her face, flicks her wrist ... nothing. Tries again - no dice. Third time - no charm. Kate looks rather puzzled.)

Lynn: (sigh) Damn, left it in the kitchen.10 Oh, screw it.

(With that, she aims a kick at Kate's midsection. Kate, having expected some attack from the "Oh, screw it", skips back but trips over her high heels and falls flat on her ass on the front lawn. Lynn advances on her...)

Warlock: (steps forward) Peril! Jezebel! Neutral corners! Now!

Lynn: (not looking at him) BUGGER OFF!

Kate: (through clenched teeth) Don't you DARE call me that, you little...

Lynn: If the callsign fits, WEAR it!

Warlock: (christ, now SHE'S quotehappy, what's the world COMING to?) PERIL!

Lynn: (backing off) FINE! But keep her RIGHT the hell away from me if, for some dumb-ass reason, you want her alive!

(She storms into the house and slams the door)

Kate: (calling after) How DARE you threaten me, you... (trails off; turns on Warlock) And as for YOU. I could see all of you HUNG. Remember that when you're playing with your little toys and pretending to be men.

(Warlock clenches a fist but doesn't give her the satisfaction of a reply. She gives him one final glare, stomps to her rental car and drives off. Once she's out of sight, Warlock allows himself to sneer after her. Then he looks at the house, sighs and approaches the front door. He pushes the doorbell [still sounds dented; Warlock looks slightly puzzled at that] and then the door opens a crack and Lynn peers out at him. Silence for a moment.)

Warlock: Do I come in, or do you come out?

Lynn: What the hell do you want? And if it's anything about Tom bodyguarding me or the bloodydamn FAMILY, I'm not interested. Family blows.

(Lynn makes to slam the door in his face but...)


(Door stops mid-swing. Lynn peeks out again.)

Lynn: (wary; trying to hide surprise) Excuse me?

Warlock: (casual enough) Birthday gifts. (beat) It IS your birthday, nee?

Lynn: (utter shock) Uh. Yeah. But... ("to hell with this"; wry humour) They're not training manuals, are they?

Warlock: Not mine. (beat) Scar's - maybe. But not mine.

Lynn: (raised eyebrow) Maybe you'd better come in. The front step is no place for this. Neighbours already think it's a crackhouse in here.

Warlock: Right. (heads for his own rental car; stops and turns) Oh, and by the way - I understand. These are not easy times. (beat) For any of us.

(Lynn looks at her feet, at an utter loss for words. Warlock spares her by resuming his journey to the car.)

END ACT 1 - ADVERTS [Lead-in: S4 moving bumpers - AP jumping a mile in the air; Daria, Jane and AP smirking in unison, Lynn kicking out at Kate's midsection.]

Tampax: I'm finally seeing American adverts again. Remind me why I came to a country that produced a psychedelic tampon advert?

AOL 6.0: One word and one word only. BLEEEEEEEEEECK!

(Scene: Cullen house, ext. Music: "Frontier Psychiatrist" - The Avalanches [thanks, Rancour - this one is just good for title refcrime]. The Plymouth pulls up in the driveway next to the Merc. Daria, Jane and AP pile out [Jane is carrying a carrier bag and AP bears several pizza boxes] and look askance at the rental Honda sitting in front of the house. Then they walk towards the Cullen front door maybe a little too fast and arrive just in time to nearly crash into Warlock as he opens the door and steps out. For a moment, Daria, Jane and AP just stare at him.)

Jane: What the HELL are YOU doing here?

Daria: What's going on?

AP: (calling into house) Purple Peril? Y'okay?

Lynn: (OS; obviously lying) Fine.

AP: (catching it) To do with HIM?

Lynn: NO.

AP: (looking Warlock in the eye) Okay. You live.

(Warlock raises an eyebrow at AP - he's not entirely sanguine about AP's inability to take him down, as he saw what happened to Jensen, but then, AP's unarmed and he's seen him in the dojo too. He steps aside slightly and Daria, Jane and AP, sparing Warlock one last mistrustful glance, step past him into the house. The door closes at his back, and he heads towards the rental car, but he does not get into it - he just stands there and waits for a moment. Then...)

Lynn: (OS from house, livid) Do you not speak ENGLISH? (beat as someone presumably says something) I DON'T WANT COMPANY! NO OFFENSE, BUT PISS OFF!

(Warlock keeps waiting. A moment later, Daria, Jane and AP nearly run out of the house; Jane's light one carrier bag but AP still has the pizzas. They approach Warlock, who looks at them with something like sympathy.)

Warlock: Want a status report?

AP: (ready to kill) Not from YOU, you (Daria claps a hand over his mouth) mmphmmphmmph!

dDaria: (to Warlock, calmly) Please. (beat) But not here. The neighbours...

Warlock: Crackhouse, I heard. (beat) Suggestions?

Daria: (slight bitterness) We could show you Biers. It is 'your' place, after all.

Warlock: That works. I should talk to Shooter anyway.

AP: So long as we can eat the pizzas.

Warlock: Sounds fair. (to the suppressed snickers/sick looks from Daria and Jane) What?

Daria & Jane: (in unison) You'll see.

(Scene: Biers. Music plays on. The foursome sit at a rickety table, pizza boxes spread out. Warlock is looking with incredulous horror at one of them.)

Warlock: (to Daria and Jane; utter disbelief) He EATS that? (beat) In QUANTITY?11

Jane: Ooooooooohyeah. (smirk) But you have to watch out for the blue garlic.

AP: (mortified) She didn't tell you about that. (beat) Oh, she did. Oh jeez...

Warlock: My curiousity has overcome my trepidation. What about 'blue garlic'?

AP: Look, it was NO BIG DEAL!

Daria: He ate one of those pizzas; the garlic was old, turned blue when it cooked - he apparently spent three minutes thinking he was a lemming.12

Warlock: (see the bad mental image) I see ... green hair, blue robe... jumping off...

AP: NOT THAT KIND OF LEMMING! (beat) I don't think. I don't remember.

Warlock: (Sledgehammer of Subject Change out and swinging) Anyways.

Daria: Something is...

Warlock: Rotten in the state of Texas? (to Daria's look) All right, all right. Jezebel hit town. She left about ten minutes before you guys turned up.

AP: (beyond horror) Ohthatsnotgood. ThatsSOnotgood.

Jane: Tell me it didn't turn into Springer. (to the look on Warlock's face) Oh.

Daria: (professional mode) Casualties? Wounded? Police involvement?

Warlock: (mildly impressed) No, no, and no. But the second was a close thing.

Jane: Only close?

Warlock: Closer than I'd have liked.

Jane: How so?

Warlock: Let's just say I very nearly became the ground meat in a steaming-Cullen sandwich.

Daria: Excuse me?

AP: And you got her to stop killing the Bitch-Mom from Hell HOW?

Warlock: Talked her back from the edge.

AP: You ... did ... what?

Daria: Now THAT'S impressive.

Warlock: I already did it once in SF. Back when she ran off and left you guys an umnote.13

AP: (very hopeful, almost pleading) And ... same kinda demon-rage edge ... right?

Warlock: (casual) Right.

AP: (frowning) Why don't I believe you?

Warlock: (careful, hint of anger) I don't know. Why don't you?

AP: Cos I know her and don't really trust YOU all that well...

Daria: Guys... please. Let's stick to the business at hand. 'Warlock'... why ARE you here?

Warlock: Was passing through Texas anyway. Dropping off some birthday gifts.

(total facefault and utter silence)

AP: I don't know if I believe you about THAT either...

Jane: AP, shut UP!

(Warlock throws a hard look at AP)

Daria: If I may ask ... what KIND of 'birthday gifts'?

Warlock: I got her one of those Klingon daggers that do that extra blade popout thing. Don't know about the others.

Daria: So this isn't a recruitment drive?

Jane: Or more pushing for us to accept (disdain) Tom as a bodyguard?

Warlock: No. Just dropping off presents.

AP: (sour) GREEEEEEEEAT timing.

Warlock: (pointed) It WAS, wasn't it. Now if you'll excuse me...

(As the others watch with some trepidation, Warlock dials a long-distance number. Split-screen between a posh restaurant and Biers.)

Lorna: Matthew?14

Warlock: No, Warlock. (beat) Matt-who?!

Lorna: DIVINE gentleman. Works for Vogue. Everyone thought he was gay. (audible smirk) Not anymore.

Warlock: Um.... yeah. (beat) We've a problem.

Lorna: (sigh) Ask not what your Family can do for you...

Warlock: ... ask what you can do for the Family. (beat) And *I*'m the quotehappy one around here.

Lorna: (shrug) In any case. What do you need ME for? I'm incidental, remember?

Warlock: Jezebel's in Lawndale and is pushing the Peril's buttons.

Lorna: Ohfortheloveof...

Warlock: Yeah. We need her diverted.

Lorna: (smirk) Anywhere particular in mind? Or maybe I should ask if you want her back ever.

Warlock: Somewhere where they don't like Americans. Or females that aren't totally covered. Her luggage, of course, goes to Antarctica.

Lorna: Hmmmmmm... Uzbekistan? (beat) For Nike?

Warlock: (smirk) that'll work beautifully.

Lorna: Right. I'll work on that and get back to you. Oh, and say hello to J ... Kes for me.15

Warlock: (blink) I was about to tell you the same. She's not back in London?

Lorna: No. I haven't been in contact with her since she left for her little tour. She's not with you?

Warlock: She left TBM... (thinks) around Halloween.

Lorna: Hmm. (beat) Should I worry?

Warlock: Good question. We are at war.

Lorna: Hmm. Well, worrying about that is your job, I'm sorry to have to tell you. For my own part, I'll get Jezebel the hell out of the Colonies.

Warlock: That's all I'm asking.

Lorna: Aye sir. If she gets in touch with me, I'll let you know.

Warlock: Please do.

(*bleep* as Warlock hangs up. He looks up at the gang, who are looking at him with some concern.)

Daria: Anything we should know about?

Warlock: (sweatdrops) Oh, I thought Kes was going back home. Probably continuing her tour instead.

AP: (more worried about Lynn) So what about Purple Peril? She won't let us NEAR her.

Warlock: I'll talk to her. (rueful) I seem to be good at that.

AP: (bitter) Yeah, you do.

(Smash cut to black with AP glaring at Warlock and Warlock obviously thinking, "Gotta do something about THAT too...")

END ACT 2 - ADVERTS [Lead-in - moving S4 bumpers: Daria clamping a hand over AP's mouth, Warlock's disgusted look, Lorna's evil smirk.]

Vehix.com: Who wants to watch a 6'4" guy trying to squeeze into the American equivalent of a Mini? Not even *I'm* that much of a sadist! Though I have to wonder how many takes that guy could stand...

Next in The Look-Alike Series: Has no title. There is a plot and it's half-written. Be PATIENT, ficlovers.

(Scene: Cullen house exterior. Music: "Smoke" - Ben Folds Five. Warlock's rental car pulls up; Warlock steps out and stands on the sidewalk. He makes for the door - it swings open. There stands Lynn with the dagger. He looks at her, she looks at him, *click* go the side-blades. You can almost see the thought bubble. ["She wouldn't..."] She holds up a whetstone.)

Warlock: Et tu, Peril?16

Lynn: I haven't stabbed you. (beat) *Yet*. (beat) Bat'leth for Christmas?

Warlock: And I'll have Scar teach you to use it.

Lynn: Never pegged Scar for a Trekkie.

Warlock: Trekkie, no. Hand to hand geek, though...

Lynn: Point. (beat) So?

Warlock: Point. I get it.

Lynn: One more of those and you WILL get it. Anyway, you're dodging.

Warlock: (looks at the knife) Not yet I'm not.

Lynn: Ha. What are you doing here again?

Warlock: Arranging for the disposal of Jezebel. And trying some damage control.

Lynn: (miming gun to head) Disposal?

Warlock: No. (beat) Not yet, anyway.

Lynn: (half disappointment, half relief) Ah. (beat) How damage control?

Warlock: She'll be out of the country for a while; and well away from you. But your friends don't want to have to be.

Lynn: (not looking in the face) Oh. I guess that means you heard that.

Warlock: Yeah.

Lynn: And ... you're just being silent to make me fill it with whatever you think I need to vent about.

Warlock: Could be.

Lynn: I suppose it wouldn't have any effect to tell you I hate you.

Warlock: Nope.

Lynn: (sigh) So do YOU have any suggestions? In case you didn't realise, I pulled this (waving dagger) on Jane.

Warlock: I've seen people forgiven worse. They care about you. And they understand.

Lynn: (going pink) Yeah. Well. Yeah. (beat) Uh. Thanks?

Warlock: No worries.

Lynn: (raised eyebrow) So. Going to fill me in on what else is going on? How're the others doing?

Warlock: We've basically crawled into a hole then pulled it in after us.

Lynn: Would you tell me if there *was* anything going on?

Warlock: If it was something you needed to know about.

Lynn: (skeptical) Okay. (beat; sigh) You didn't quite answer my question. How do I approach people I wielded a knife at?

Warlock: They're not just people. They're your friends.

Lynn: (shrug) Even worse, then. I can't talk to them after *that*.

Warlock: Maybe you won't have to. Maybe they understand.

Lynn: (downcast) Maybe. (beat) If that's all, you might want to take off. People seem to watch this house. The crackhouse thing, you know.

Warlock: How DID that... (beat) On second thought, I probably don't want to know. Later. (heads off)

(Lynn watches him go, then shuts the door.)

(Scene: McIntyre house, ext. Music plays on. Warlock knocks on the front door and a moment later, Fred scowls out at him.)

Fred: We already gave. (makes to slam the door in Warlock's face)

Warlock: *blink* (sticks tip of boot in the door) I'm here to see AP, actually.

Fred: AP?

Warlock: Your son? (beat) Yea tall (hand motion), red hair?

Fred: Oh. You mean Andrew. (looking Warlock up and down) What do you want him for?

Warlock: About ten minutes.

Fred: (after blinking at Warlock and deciding not to mess with this man) ANDREW! There's a ... just come to the door!

(Fred steps away from the door, leaving Warlock to stand there wondering about the families of this lot. Then AP turns up at the door.)

AP: Well?

Warlock: Go. See her. Make her have some fun.

AP: Yeah. Fun gutting me.

Warlock: I'm sure you two could think of something else to do. (to AP's raised eyebrow; dry) I guess "carpe Peril" wouldn't go over too well right now either.

AP: Not on your LIFE, you ... (turns his back on Warlock)

Warlock: Wha... oh. Did not mean THAT.

AP: Look, she ... Why am I telling YOU this?

Warlock: I don't know, but what she needs right now is to be dragged out and forcibly reminded people care about her no matter what. And that starts with you.

AP: (still slightly bitter) Still giving orders, huh? (beat) And what do YOU care, anyway?

Warlock: Not an order, just a suggestion. (beat) Think of what would happen to her without you. You really want to see her friendless and alone, consumed by Family issues?

AP: (wince) She wouldn't. She just...

Warlock: Just what?

AP: (shrug) YOU'RE the expert. You tell me. She just wouldn't let that happen to her. She's ... not like that. (beat; pleading) IS she?

Warlock: I didn't think I was...

AP: (facefault) Is this where Erudite Emerald would say "Walking away now with too much information" just to spare your feelings?

Warlock: Probably.

AP: Okaaaaaaaaay. (beat) So. Uh. Can ... I ask you something?

Warlock: Shoot.

AP: (blushing maroon) Where do I *take* her? I don't know from *dating* her!

Warlock: You two haven't been on a date yet?

AP: Not a ... y'know ... real one. Just fake-outs to freak ... Jezebel, you called her?17

Warlock: Oh. Right. And what did you two do then?

AP: Nothing ... mushy. Couldn't take it. Y'know. Didn't want to give anything away.

Warlock: The important part of a date is not what you do but *that* you do. Just spend time with her.

AP: But it's her eighteenth BIRTHDAY. It ought to be ... special. Mushy stuff. First date stuff. Uh ... romance.

Warlock: Hmm... I've got an iiiiiiiiidea.

AP: (really nervous) Should I be scared?

Warlock: (slow grin) Naaaaaaaaaaah.

AP: That's a yes.

(Cut to Lynn's room. Lynn is staring at a book. We hear a *clunk* and then AP's head pokes into the window frame. Lynn doesn't look up but doesn't look pissed off either, so AP climbs into the window. He looks over her shoulder at ... blank pages.)

AP: Why's the book blank? Diary?

Lynn: Like I'd write my secrets down on paper for anyone to read. (beat) It's a birthday present from Scar.

(She flips to the first page. AP looks at it.)

AP: Rule One: Never tell anyone everything. Rule Two: (beat) Where's the rest of it? (Lynn just looks at him. He gets it.) OH.18

Lynn: You're NOT afraid I'm going to remove your kidneys via your nostrils? Or you have something so important to say to risk that fate?

AP: Important. (beat) Like you.

Lynn: (goes BRIGHT PINK) What do you mean, 'me'?

AP: You. You're important. And worth risks.

Lynn: (going pinker) Uh.

AP: (knowing that sometimes words are totally pointless and don't say enough) C'mon. We're goin' out.

Lynn: Out WHERE?

AP: (shrug) Let's find out!

(At which point he grabs her by the wrist and drags her towards the window.)

Lynn: Eee! I'm going to NEED... (beat) Oh, tahellwithit.19 (follows)

(Montage sequence. Music: "Church on Sunday" - Green Day.

AP driving the Merc. Lynn watching him, slightly nervous. They pass a sign that reads "Oakwood - 3 miles".

Darkened theatre. Screen showing a forest scene of the actors in Blair Witch 2 looking at a tree that should not be in ruins. A few Junior Mints go flying out into the screen-lit theatre from the balcony and they hit a few random spectators in the head. They start complaining. LOUDLY. Cut to the front row of the balcony, where Lynn and AP are sharing a large box of Junior Mints and snickering.

Outside a movie theatre. Lynn and AP being led out by an usher. He looks pissed off. There's a Junior Mint stuck in his moustache. Lynn and AP are smirking.

Shopping mall. Lynn and AP dueling with fake light sabres. Two security guards step up to them, at which point they drop their sabres and pull paintball guns that are strapped across their backs. They grin and open fire.

Shopping mall, ext. Lynn and AP run out the revolving doors, followed by two security guards covered in blue and purple paint. As Lynn and AP hop into the Merc and drive off, the security guards decide not to follow, turning back to the mall with a 'good riddance' gesture.

A park. Lynn is most of the way up a tree. Pan down to where AP is hanging upside down from a thick tree limb a quarter of the way up a tree, rather like a sloth. Pan back up to Lynn, who looks down and smiles fondly. Pan down to AP, who grins, tries to wave and thinks better of it, grabbing the tree limb for dear life.

Same park, grassy area. Lynn and AP are sitting on a "The Empire Strikes Back" sheet instead of a blanket. AP pulls a picnic basket.)

Lynn: Anything but that pizza.

AP: It's YOUR birthday. Would I?

(Lynn raises an eyebrow.

Same scene. Picnic detritus is spread everywhere. AP hands Lynn a wrapped box. She looks at the wrapping - clumsy [he's obviously done it himself], then takes off the paper carefully. It's a little velvet box. She opens it - it's an oval locket set with an amethyst. She opens the locket - on one side is a pic of AP in his Romeo costume, on the other is Lynn as Juliet. Pan to AP, who looks very nervous until he's grabbed in a tight hug and kiss by Lynn.)

(Scene: random airport. Kate stumbles off a plane, looking rather green.)

Kate: God, that has to be the WORST flight I ... ever... (trails off. ECU on her face, which goes from airsick to stunned to waxing sorely pissed. A white male in his mid-30's with brown hair in a suit and tie passes Kate. She grabs him by the tie and yanks him forward so they're pretty much nose to nose.) WHERE THE *HELL* AM I?

Average-man: No entiendo, seņora, lo siento.20

(Kate facefaults and turns to a black-haired guy in his early 20's whose look screams 'baggage handler'.)

Kate: (grabbing him by the collar) Look, if you don't tell me what Godforsaken country I'm in...

Baggage-handler: Wakaranai... gomen...

(Kate lets him go with a snarl and turns to a blonde woman in a business suit.)

Kate: Excuse me ... could you tell me where this *is*?

Woman: Pardon, madame, je ne comprends pas.

(Kate looks like she's trying desperately not to scream. She turns to a portly balding guy in a Polo shirt and jeans.)

Kate: Now look. I'm from America and I have *no* damn clue where I am. Can you...

Fat man: Das tut mir leid. Ich verstehe nicht.

(And at this point, Kate just goes ballistic.)


(A tall blond man in a suit approaches her.)

Blond Man: Yes, I do. What is the problem?

Kate: (sigh) Thank GOD. I'm Kate Cullen and I'm representing Nike... (*pwing* of a ricocheting gunshot. Kate and the blond man kiss floor. After a moment, the blond man waves her up as he gets up. As she takes her feet, the blond man makes a gesture and a couple of security guards approach, taking hold of her arms gently.)

Kate: Wha...?

Blond Man: I'm from the American Embassy here in Uzbekistan. We're putting you into protective custody.

(Fade out on Kate's expression of utter frustrated, horrified rage.)

(Scene: an office desk, American Embassy, Uzbekistan. Kate is standing next to the desk, gesticulating wildly as she talks into an old rotary-dial phone.)

Kate: No, look, you don't understand. I *can't* tell you where I am. (beat) No, I CAN'T! I can't PRONOUNCE it! Hell, I can't even SPELL it!

(Fade out on a livid Kate still on the phone.)

(Scene: the park again. Lynn and AP sitting side by side on the blanket, holding hands, silhouetted against the sunset they're watching. Fade to black.)


Of course, first note to Ben - co-writing TLAS with him has made fic fun again (and in person fic collaboration is WAY more fun...). Then to Jill "Leopard_Lady" Friedman, for all the help and support - between background music help and non-fic help, couldn't do any of this without you, kid. To Wind_Lane, for the "Et tu, Peril?" line and to StarKat for general help and support. And, well, to pretty much the entire community for all the help, support and concern.


1] Guy Fawkes Day - 5 November. Some treasonous git tried to blow up Parliament. They drew and quartered him and now they burn scarecrows in effigy and watch fireworks in honour of the gunpowder thing. The whole poem is: "Remember, remember the fifth of November / Gunpowder treason and plot / We see no reason / Why gunpowder treason / Should ever be forgot!" [Back]

2] Basically, in "Sister, Sister", Lynn gets the deed to the house but because she's not an adult, her father holds the property in trust. She gets the house as soon as she turns 18. Which is 5 November 2000. [Back]

3] I don't know where this comes from originally but Ben says this all the time when I get flustered and start stammering "but ... but ... but..." at him. [Back]

4] Thanks to Jill Friedman for a line that was too AP NOT to use. [Back]

5] She's reffing the Halloween party from "Bare Acquaintances". [Back]

6] This hasn't been reffed so often but she *is* lead singer for Mystik Spiral as of "Blind Audition", pretty much. And thanks to Jill Friedman for reminding me of the title. [Back]

7] As stated in "A Sporting Mischance", in the UK at least it's illegal to own a crossbow until you turn 20. Not sure if it's true of the US. [Back]

8] While Kate took off for Tokyo on a six-month business trip ["Protest March"], Jerome risked Kate turning him in to the police by turning up at the hospital to check on Lynn ["To Kill A Misery Chick"]. This is the main sticking point for Lynn as per her mother. [Back]

9] Warlock we meet by face but not by name in "Love's Labour". He gets a more thorough introduction in "Tour of Duty". As he's appeared in every other fic so far, you may get the feeling he's important somehow. And no, this has nothing to do with him being the co-author. Otherwise, 'Kes' would have a *lot* bigger role by now. [Back]

10] As we see in "Job Lots" and in a few other fics, Lynn wears a knife in a spring-loaded clip up her sleeve. [Back]

11] As shown in "Relation-slips", AP's 'usual' is tuna, onions, capers, artichoke hearts, cayenne peppers and shrimp. In the name of Stanislavskian system character work, I *ate* this once. Yes, it tastes as bad as it sounds. [Back]

12] The psychotropic reaction to blue garlic was first cited in "Sets and the Single Girls", Jill tells me. I can't remember what I wrote in my own fics but they *still* won't let me call myself baka. And yes, Warlock's later remark *does* indicate that we were talking about the video game "Lemmings" and was a direct quote from Ben when he read that idea. [Back]

13] Said 'umnote' was carved into Penny's bedroom wall in "Lost and Found" and read "CONSIDERING OPTIONS - YOU'LL HEAR". [Back]

14] Lorna Smythe, serial date queen and music biz schmoozer, is introduced to us as Lynn's aunt in "Rue Britannia". [Back]

15] Jan is also introduced in "Rue Britannia" but is identified as 'Kestrel' or 'Kes' and the Family's medic in "Tour of Duty". [Back]

16] If you don't recognise this, you have not read Julius Caesar by Shakespeare. This makes you a philistine and you don't deserve to be reading this. 8o) [Back]

17] It's stated in "Relation-slips" that the reason Lynn and AP pretended to be dating back in Oakwood was to annoy Kate, who really really *despises* AP. [Back]

18] Thanks to Kara Wild for thinking up what Scar's present to Lynn would be. Maybe one day I'll be able to fit in what the others got her. [Back]

19] You may recognise this line from "Tour of Duty". Even within fic, Ben must refcrime. [Back]

20] Spanish for "I'm sorry, I don't understand". It's followed by, in order, Japanese, French and German. [Credit to Ben for the Japanese, myself for the French and J for the German.] Ben and I REALLY got into the mood to be cruel to Kate. *crudpuppysmirk* [Back]


Daria Morgendorffer et al are the creations of Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn but are owned by MTV, a Viacom company, copyright 1997, 2000. [Apparently, this is possible by 'work for hire', a concept that eludes me.] Lynn and Kate Cullen, Lorna Smythe and AP McIntyre, on the other hand, were created and are owned by me, one Janet 'Canadibrit' Neilson, copyright 1999, 2000. Touch my characters without consulting me and it will go hard with you. Cameo characters used with permission. This is a "substantially transformative" derivative work, apparently [what a highfalutin way to say fanfic], and is protected by the Supreme Court's decision in re Campbell v. Acuff Rose Music, so keep the copyright notice where it is and don't post it for money. If you do so without my permission and that of MTV Networks, I WILL pull a Lynn Cullen on you. And then I'll call lawyers.

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