(Opening montage. Music: "You're Standing On My Neck" - Splendora.

LHS corridor. Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP by the lockers. As one body, they facefault and turn their heads to look at something out of shot. Lynn flicks her wrist, producing a knife, and dashes out of shot.

Football field, near the bleachers. Kevin and Brittany arguing. AP, sitting in the bleachers wearing a LHS marching band uniform and a completely disgusted expression, picks up a large pair of cymbals and smashes them together right near Kevin and Brittany's ears.

Pizza King. Quinn sitting at a table, sobbing with rage. Lynn looks at her, eyebrow raised in what is, for her, sympathy, and hands over a book. Quinn looks at the cover and stops crying as her face slowly brightens to an evil smirk.

AP's room. AP completely engrossed in a video game. Daria watches him play for a moment, disgust in her face, then starts digging through his cabinets.

LHS corridor. Mrs Bennett opens a door to reveal a broom closet in which Lynn and AP are making out; Lynn and AP break off a kiss as the door opens. They look at Bennett for a moment, then Lynn gives a wide grin and shuts the door in her face.

Morgendorffer front hallway. Jake going completely ballistic at Jerome, who is standing on the front step and looking at Jake in a manner that suggests that he's two seconds from calling the men in white coats. Then Jake takes a swing at Jerome.

The Zen. Daria, Jane, AP, Andrea, Guy, Casey and Mara at a table. Upchuck is leering at Mara, who regards him for a moment and then pulls him forward by the collar and kisses him hard, mouth open. When she lets go, Upchuck falls over in a dead faint. Jane looks extremely impressed.

Lane front door. Jane [in artist's smock and beret] and Jodie [ratty jeans, baggy T-shirt, clipboard, pencil behind her ear] open the door to find Quinn standing there wearing a seirafuku and a hopeful expression.

Biers. Someone has set it on fire; Lynn and Daria are wielding fire extinguishers that were probably new in 1931 [they contain water and you have to hand-pump them], trying to control the worst of the flames.

Daria and Lynn side-by-side again, smirking slightly. As the original montage sequence, the camera pulls in and then out again to reveal two interlocking circles; one contains the Daria logo and the other contains a corresponding 'Lynn' version. Writing underneath in the Daria font reads, "Daria in...")


A Daria Fan Fiction [TLAS 4:04]

(Scene: LHS music room [I assume everyone's seen *a* school music room once in their lives. Well, they're all the same. Yes, even ones in British private schools]. Music: "Man In The Box" - Alice in Chains. Daria, Lynn and AP walk in, looking distinctly unimpressed. A tall thin man with a crew cut comes over [henceforth known as Mr Ellis].)

Ellis: Ah, new recruits! And you are?

(The threesome look at each other, trying to decide who should start.)

AP: (shrug) AP McIntyre. I hit things.

Ellis: (clapping AP on the back so hard he nearly falls over) One of life's born drummers, eh?1 And the Doublemint Twins over there?

(He is treated to a double helping of that "go to hell" stare.)

Daria: Morgendorffer. Daria. (spitting it) Flute.

Lynn: Cullen. Lynn. (waves a large case at him, nearly hitting him in the face with it) It's either a saxophone or a Tommygun. I'm rather hoping for the latter, if you want honesty.

(Daria and AP stare at her, but the teacher only laughs2)

Ellis: What a sense of humour, eh? (moves to clap her on the back but is stopped by her glare) Okay, take your places with the other new recruits. Time to get this show on the road! Oh, and you'll be fitted for your uniforms after this, so sit tight after rehearsal, okay?

Daria, Lynn, AP: (in unison) Ugh.

(Scene: Pizza King. Music plays on. Jane is sitting at the booth alone, looking somewhat pissed off. The door slams open and she looks around, then starts laughing hysterically. Pan to the doorway - Daria, Lynn and AP are in full band uniform [black trousers with yellow piping, blue jackets with yellow trim, black hat with blue and yellow feather-duster style feather in the top]. They look incensed.)

Daria & Lynn: (in unison) Just. Don't.

Jane: (still laughing almost too hard to speak) Why ... wearing ... THAT ... public?

Lynn: (sarcasm) And deprive you of a good laugh? If we're all lucky, your spleen will rupture soon.

AP: (to the point) We're supposed to break 'em in. These things haven't seen daylight since 1981.

Jane: (finally calming down) Why the hell did you three agree to this anyway? I mean, do you honestly get your jollies walking around like Christmas tree ornaments for the colour-blind?

Daria: (sigh) In a way, it's our own damn faults. Yours and Lynn's, anyway.

Jane: (facefault) WHAT?

Lynn: Look, when the Iron Maiden started in on us hiding our lights under bushels, I didn't think Nathan 'the Nose' Caldwell was going to REMEMBER it!3

Daria: (to Jane; explanatory) This is Caldwell's first Homecoming and he wants it to be something special. And then he saw the band.

AP: (ticking off on his fingers) A trombone, two trumpets, four clarinets, some fat girl on a bass drum and a REALLY pissed off tuba player.

Daria: (continuing) So he went through everyone's school records to see if he could find any hidden talent to exploit.

Jane: (gesture to Daria) Your flute lessons...

Daria: Stopped in fourth grade, but what the hell...4

Jane: (gesture to AP) Your drumming career...

AP: Fifteen rehearsals, one gig - sorry, half a SONG. Two months playing, tops.5

Jane: (gesture to Lynn) And, most damning of all...

Lynn: (groan) My OWN band experience.6 (beat) And it was either that or two months' detention and I don't have that kind of time.

Daria: I guess he found the Angela Li Guide to High School Administration.

Jane: Well, I think it's kinda nice of you three. (to the stares) I mean, the man's OBVIOUSLY desperate. And it IS just for Homecoming, right?

(All she gets in return are grudging, morose nods.)

AP: Why aren't YOU in on this, Art-Smart Scarlet?

Jane: I am. 'Art-Smart' being the operative words.

Daria: The float again?

Jane: Yep. (slight disappointment) Though Caldwell says that if I do anything involving corpses again, the next memorial goalpost will be mine.7

Daria: I'm sure you'll work your way around that. You always do.

Jane: I dunno. I'm pretty stuck. Any ideas?

AP: Gross delicacies of the world?

Jane: I think it has to involve football in some way, shape or form, AP. (thinks; smirks) How about a shrine to the pig who sacrificed his skin for the Beautiful Game?

Lynn: Actually, Jane, BASEBALL is the one referred to as "The Beautiful Game".

AP: And anyway, today's footballs are all made out of plastics.

Jane: Damn. This is going to be harder than I thought.8

(Total morose silence at the table.)

(Scene: football field. Music: "My Own Worst Enemy" - Lit. Daria, Lynn and AP are sitting in the bleachers. AP has a snare drum, Daria her flute and Lynn her sax. They're watching something at the bottom of the bleachers with interest.)

Kevin: (OS) But Baaaaaabe!

Brittany: (OS; shrill) Don't you, 'but babe' ME, you ... you ... Dungeon!

AP: Come again?

Daria: I think she means Don Juan.

AP: Oh. (beat) Come again AGAIN?

(Daria and Lynn sigh. Cut to Kevin and Brittany, standing at the bottom of the bleachers, arguing.)

Kevin: Babe, Laura means NOTHING to me, I SWEAR!

Brittany: Oh, and I suppose you were just checking to see if there was something in her eye!

(Back to the gang, who raise eyebrows.)

Lynn: Or caught between her back teeth. Whatever.

AP: I've had enough of this. (the evil grin surfaces) Hang on a sec.

(He detaches himself from the snare and climbs down to the bottom of the bleachers. A large pair of cymbals lies on the bottom seat, deserted.)

Kevin: Babe, you gotta stop being so ... parricide!

Daria & Lynn: (OS; hear the wince) That's PARANOID, you moron...

Brittany: If not being parricide means I have to put up with your ... your ... cheerleaderising, I LIKE being it! Whatever it is! And for your big fat sweaty information...

(AP has picked up the cymbals at this point and, holding them at arm's length, now slams them together hard right next to Kevin and Brittany's ears. The lovebirds clap their hands to their ears and stagger under the noise.)

AP: Now will the two of you KNOCK IT OFF?

Kevin: WHAT?


AP: (realising he's done something REALLY wrong) Ohboy...

(Scene: Pizza King. Music plays on. Daria and Jane in a booth.)

Daria: So Kevin and Brittany are going to be deaf as stone posts for the next few days.

Jane: And that puts the kibosh on their participation in Homecoming. Yikes. (beat) How much trouble is AP in?

Daria: Week's detention, and he's never allowed to touch the cymbals again. I think he got off lightly, if you want to know the truth.

Jane: Yeah, no kidding. (beat) So what's happening to the football team and the cheerleaders?

Daria: Well, Mack's taking over as temporary quarterback until Kevin gets his hearing back. I don't see how it makes all that much difference if Kevin can't hear, though - if the rumours are true, he never listens to the plays anyway.

Jane: And the rah-rahs?

Daria: I don't know. I know Stacy's taking over as head cheerleader for awhile but, unlike the football team, they don't keep substitutes.9 Something about Ms Li not forking out for the extra insurance. So they're going to have to recruit awfully fast or work out some new routines that involve one less pair of pom-poms.

(Brief silence. Then Jane gets a slightly horrified look on her face.)

Jane: Where's Lynn?

(Scene: Caldwell's office. Music plays on. Lynn is standing in front of Caldwell's desk - Caldwell is looking at her over steepled fingers.)

Caldwell: So I guess what I'm offering you is a choice. I know you were on the cheerleading squad - briefly - and maybe you remember some of the moves involved?10 (Lynn just looks at him. Caldwell looks a bit uncomfortable.) Now, I understand that you're probably quite happy in the band just now... (He looks to Lynn for confirmation or denial and just gets that look. He swallows nervously.) But would it be at all possible for me to request you reconsider and join the cheerleading squad until Miss Taylor makes a recovery?

(Lynn just looks at him some more. Caldwell squirms visibly.)

Lynn: You want ME. To join the cheerleaders. After what you saw in gym class last year.11

Caldwell: Well, that was without any real supervision ... working on your own ... boredom and that sort of thing. I mean, following the routines you'd... (sigh) Look, Miss Cullen, we need a replacement cheerleader far more than we need another band member. I can have Mr Ellis move one of the clarinet players to saxophone but I can't replace a cheerleader with just anyone. You know I could probably force you into this but I'm offering you the choice.

(Lynn looks at him some more, still no expression.)

(Scene: LHS gymnasium. Music: "Micky" - Tony Basil. The cheerleaders are sitting on the bleachers, fidgeting with their pom-poms. Stacy pokes her head through one of the doors.)

Stacy: Hey guys! I found us a new cheerleader! And she knows the moves, sort of! You all remember... (looking behind her) Come ON! No one's going to bite you!

(And with that, she drags Lynn in by the wrist. Lynn's obviously wearing Brittany's uniform - same bad fit as the other one. There is a moment of silence.)

Angie: But she...

Stacy: Guys, don't WORRY! She's a BRAIN! Brains catch on fast! Right, Lynn?

(They all stare at her. Lynn raises a pom-pom and forces a weak smile.)

Lynn: (that perky voice again) Uh ... go Lions?

(This seems to reassure the cheerleaders.)

Cheerleaders: Gooooooooooooo LIONS!

(While no one's watching, Lynn winces.)

Lynn: (thought VO) I just sold my soul. Welcome to Hell, Cullen...

END ACT 1 - ADVERTS [Lead-in: moving S4 bumpers - Jane LHAO, AP slamming the cymbals together, Stacy dragging Lynn into the gym]

Beneath the Blue Suburban Skies: Update - she's actually working on it as I type this. It should be with us DAMN soon.

Canadibrit Fan Fiction Awards: The votes are in. Click HERE if you're desperately curious.

(Scene: the Zen. Music: "Dope Show" - Marilyn Manson. Jane sketching. She looks at a sketch, sighs and tears it out of the sketchpad, crumpling it and throwing it away. Enter Guy, looking over her shoulder as she starts sketching again.12)

Guy: More muse?

Jane: More like ANTI-muse. Lawndale homecoming. Damn float. Manic principal.

Guy: You gotta chill about school, babe.

Jane: (raised eyebrow) BABE?

Guy: (real fear at the look on her face) Sorry. Force of habit. (beat) Anyway, it's just a place you go to learn to not get your soul stomped on. You gotta mock it and move on.

Jane: Stomping, huh? Hmm... (She starts sketching with a new fervour; offhand) Thanks, Guy.

(Guy very nearly smiles.)

(Scene: LHS corridor. Music: "Real, Real, Real" - Jesus Jones. Lynn, in full cheerleading regalia, is slumped against her locker, looking rather pale. Daria approaches, catches the haunted look on her face and proceeds with a bit more caution.)

Daria: So how goes life with the Squad?

Lynn: (shaking pompom somewhat listlessly) Rah-rah.

Daria: (concerned) You okay?

Lynn: Uh-huh.

Daria: Convince me, why don't you?

Lynn: Do you know how easy this is? They don't THINK. They don't WORRY about anything. And hell, it's almost...

Daria: (incredulous) You're not ... ENJOYING this, are you?

Lynn: The ultimate freedom. Blissful ignorance. There are moments when I think I might JUST be able to shut my brain off. And yeah, when I can do that, I enjoy the hell out of it. I mean, brainless bimbo cheerleaders who are destined for trophy-wifedom don't get called up for what they say I'm destined for. So maybe...

Daria: (getting really worried now) Lynn..

Lynn: (overriding) So MAYBE I can just drop it. Paste a vacant smile on my face and dare to be stupid.

Daria: (officially freaked) I don't think...

Lynn: No. And neither do I.

(Lynn walks off, leaving Daria to stare at her. Tom approaches from behind, looking stunned.)

Tom: Please tell me I didn't hear what I thought I heard.

Daria: (not looking at him) This. Is. BEYOND. Bad.

(Daria walks away, leaving Tom to blink after her with an expression that reads "Oh crap I'm in trouble now...")

(Montage sequence. Music: "Unbelievable" - EMF.

LHS corridor. Daria and AP standing at AP's locker [we can tell by the Tux poster tacked to the inside of the door]. They look up; AP is visibly sweating and Daria looks at him in some amusement. Lynn walks past in a cheerleader uniform that actually fits and AP outright stares. Daria gives him a "remember, this is a BAD thing" look and AP gives her a sheepish grin.13

Pizza King. Lynn is sitting with the cheerleaders and looking at a cheeseless pizza with some trepidation. She pushes her plate away and feigns paying attention. Trent, Jesse, Nick and Max wander into the restaurant and facefault at seeing Lynn with the cheerleaders.

Football field. Stacy dragging Lynn over to the football players, who are taking a breather. Joey, Jeffy and Jamie start the fawning again. Lynn closes her eyes in a "Oh, typical" sort of way before making Quinn-esque conversation. Pan to Daria and AP in the bleachers, in their band uniforms. Daria looks at him as if to say, "See? Bad thing." AP doesn't notice; he's watching Lynn with a very hurt look on his face.

Lane house, ext. Jane has rigged a platform on top of the A-Tank and is using a staple-gun to attach a blue tarp to it. Tom, on the sidewalk, is yelling up at her in a pleading sort of way - obviously trying to get her to talk to Lynn. Eventually, Jane clambers off the A-Tank holding a can of spray-paint and sprays the word "NO" across the front of his sweater in bright yellow letters. Then she climbs up onto the platform again, leaving Tom to look at his sweater in some disgust.

LHS corridor. Lynn, still in cheerleading uniform, approaches AP, who's at his locker. She starts to raise her hand in greeting but Stacy and Nikki catch up to her and start walking with her, chattering away and pointedly steering her away from AP, and she looks away. AP looks after the girls for a moment and then slams his head into a nearby locker door.)

(Scene: Cullen house, ext. Music: "Exodus" - the Levellers. Tom is sitting on the front doorstep, standing up when the Merc pulls into the driveway. Lynn, still in the cheerleading outfit, steps out of the car and he walks towards her.)

Lynn: Yes?


Lynn: (sigh) Ah, (scare quotes) 'the mill'. How I loathe thee. What ABOUT cheerleading?

Tom: Mystik Spiral is bad enough. At least it's decent cover. And the marching band ... well, hell, you were going to be marching in a group. But now you're going to be prancing around out in the open in a uniform that screams "Shoot me - shoot me NOW".14

Lynn: In front of several hundred people. What sniper would be stupid enough?

Tom: It's not a question of stupidity. It's a question of audacity. No one's telling me how heavy this is likely to get. Don't make me make phone calls, Cullen.

Lynn: You think Dad'll care? Oh, of course. He's losing an heir. But hell, your organisation could probably use a moll or two...

Tom: I wasn't going to call the Falcon. More like Warlock.

(That gives Lynn pause ... for about two seconds.)

Lynn: And he'd listen to you? (raised eyebrow) It'll never happen.

(She enters the house and shuts the door. Tom nearly snarls, then reaches into his pocket and grabs a cellphone, hitting a speed-dial number.)

(Scene: Inner Sanctum kitchen. Music plays on. Warlock leaning on a kitchen counter with a cellphone to his ear, listening. He blinks loudly after a moment.15)

Warlock: She's done WHAT? (pause; he starts walking around the kitchen in a wandering sort of way.) H. (pause; stops briefly as he bellows) RUST! Whatever!16 CHILL! (resumes walking) Look, she's just doing the least-Smythe-like thing she can think of.

(Split screen with Tom on the Cullen front lawn.)

Tom: And this fails to bother you?

Warlock: She won't be doing it for long. It goes against her nature.

Tom: I dunno. She seems DAMN serious about it.

Warlock: Ask the Maverick about the LAST time she tried changed herself.17

Tom: (blink) How did you know about THAT?

Warlock: (shrug) Firing range talk. You know how it goes.

Tom: (shrugging it off) Anyway, I've seen her with the bit in her teeth. So have YOU.

Warlock: (sigh) Give it time. Talk to Emerald, Scarlet or Maverick if it bothers you. Particularly Maverick.

Tom: In other words, get off the line because you have other things to do with your morning.

Warlock: ('Uh-huuuuuh...' expression) What do YOU think?

Tom: ('eep') Right. I'll keep you updated.

(Tom hits the cutoff button, then looks at the phone. After a moment, he slumps his shoulders, stuffs it back into his pocket and walks away.)

(Scene: LHS gym. Music: "I Want to Break Free" - Queen. Lynn sitting on the bleachers, pom-poms at her feet, elbows propped on knees, chin in hands, looking morose and bored. Stacy comes over and sits beside her.)

Stacy: Hi Lynn! (concern) What's wrong?

Lynn: (sigh) Oh, nothing. Just...

Stacy: You're bored, aren't you.

Lynn: (stunned; looking up at her) How could you tell?

Stacy: (smile) Just a guess. Anyway... (leans in close, whispers) I think our cheers are pretty boring too.

Lynn: (small sigh) Yeah. There's no real bite to them, is there.

Stacy: I heard something from Angie about the cheer YOU did for gym class awhile ago. The routine was supposed to be pretty good ... and even if the words WERE a little icky, guys LIKE that kind of thing!

Lynn: ('am I hearing this right?') And your point?

Stacy: You're a writer, aren't you? AND a musician - Laura saw you at the Zen last week! You could come up with some new cheers for us!

(Lynn looks at Stacy, obviously going through a rather large internal struggle.)

END ACT 2 - ADVERTS [Lead-in: S4 moving bumpers - Lynn listlessly waving her pom-pom, Jane spray-painting Tom's sweater, Warlock bellowing into the cellphone.]

Behind The Glasses IV: All new bloopers from fanfic's finest, coming soon. With a special guest host! Submissions now being accepted.

Next in the Look-Alike Series: AP, not wanting to think about things much either, has now got hooked on platform gaming. Who can save "The Prisoner of Zelda"?

(Scene: LHS football field. Music: "When I Grow Up" - Garbage. The Homecoming game is about to start and the band and cheerleaders are gearing up for pre-game. Daria and AP are looking over at Lynn, who's in a tight little knot with the other cheerleaders. Jodie comes to join them [she's in band uniform too - my guess is clarinet] and looks down to where they are.)

AP: (sadly) This blows goats.

Jodie: Can someone explain WHY she suddenly went ... I dunno, Brittany?

Daria: Technically, yes. Realistically, no.

(Jodie looks extremely confused but backs off. Pan to the opposite side of the bleachers, where the visiting team, Oakwood, are sitting. We see Matt Templeton, Rick Jeffreys, Joe McKeon and Sarah Clarke among the Oakwood marching band types.18 Rick and Matt both take out binoculars.)

Matt: What are you looking for?

Rick: That cheerleader with the huge *ahem* 'tracts of land'. Hey, she went with Stack, why not? (beat) You?

Matt: According to (scare quotes) 'the mill', Lawndale got some new band talent. Always worth checking on.

(With that, they raise the binoculars to their faces and look in different directions. After a moment's scanning, they blink.)

Matt & Rick: (in unison; shock) If I didn't know better, I'd SWEAR that was Cullen... (in response to the other) WHAT?

(They turn around to look where the other's looking and knock heads. Then they turn to Sarah and Joe.)

Rick: There's TWO of them. One's a cheerleader and the other's in band. Playing a FLUTE.

Sarah: Either dinky girly-instrument that Lynn would never touch or pom-pom slut. No WAY.

Joe: There's not two of them. (beat; to the looks) Look, this is Name-Dropper gossip but... Ever seen "Sister, Sister"?19

(Scene: Lawndale bleachers. Music plays on. Daria is cleaning her flute when Matt, Rick, Joe and Sarah stalk over. She looks up and blinks at them.)

Daria: Excuse me?

Matt: Which one are YOU?

Daria: Daria.

Matt: Oh. (beat) Hey.

Sarah: She joined the POM-POM SLUTS? (beat; incredulous) You think you know a body...

Matt: What the hell HAPPENED to her? Did she get hit on the head or something?

Daria: Actually, yes.

(They look at her to see if she's kidding. She looks back to indicate she's not. They blink at her.)

Brunner: (OS; probably through a megaphone) ALL RIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! TAKE YOUR PLACES, PLEASE!

(The Oakwood-ites give Daria one last blink and wander off. Pan to the bleachers, another side, where Jane is sitting. Guy approaches and sits down next to her.)

Guy: Hey. Liked the float. That whole "throw the freaks to the lions" thing was really ... dunno ... Roman.

Jane: Yo. Well, it expressed my mood at the time. (beat) Thought you were supposed to be over THERE. (points to the Oakwood side)

Guy: Three reasons. One (points to his hair - still blue, of course) - I don't match. Two - do I really strike you as a guy who has any school spirit?

Jane: Nooooo... but you have a long enough list of ways teachers should screw goats to fill the Kama Sutra.

Guy: (chuckle) And there's reason three. The company's better over here.

(Jane blushes a little.)

Trent: (OS) Goat-boy. Hey.

(They both look up in surprise as Mystik Spiral take seats in the bleachers behind them.)

Jane: What are YOU doing at a high school football game, Trent? You never even went to one when you were IN high school.

Trent: Wanted to see how Daria does musically. And ... (sigh; rolling his eyes) And Max wanted to see Lynn (scare quotes) "shake her bootie".

Jane: (to Max) Little Drummer Boy ... that phrase died in 1979. And she HAS a boyfriend.20

Max: Hey, doesn't mean I can't look!

(Jane's turn to roll her eyes. Background music fade out. The cheerleaders are taking the field, Lynn at the head. Back to the LHS band.)

AP: To quote Igor ... this is SO wrong...

(Lynn raises a megaphone to her face and...)

Lynn: (amplified by megaphone; pointing a pom-pom at Sam Stack, the Oakwood QB) HE'S A LOSER, SHE SAID!

(And Static X's "I'm With Stupid" starts blaring through the loudspeakers. Lynn drops the megaphone and joins the cheerleaders in a fairly sharp, nearly headbanging routine.)

Daria & AP: (in unison, total shock) What the HELL?

(The cheerleaders, undaunted, continue. Some of them look uncertain but others seem to think this is quite fun.)

(Scene: LHS bleachers; Jane, Guy and the band, who are all watching the game wide-eyed. Music plays on [i.e. still "I'm With Stupid" - Static X]. There is a *crunch* from on the field and they break the facefault long enough to wince.)

Upchuck: (OS from PA) Oooh and a KILLING body blow to Stack from Jack Paterson!21

(Quick cut to the Lawndale cheerleaders at one edge of the field.)

Lynn: (punching the air over her head with a pom-pom) BLOOD MAKES THE GRASS GROW!

Other Cheerleaders: (following suit) KILL! KILL!

(Back to Jane and the others.)

Jane: And I thought her one for gym was bad...

Guy: Is she ALWAYS like this?

Trent, Jesse, Nick, Max: (in unison; somewhat proud) Oooooooh yeah.

(Scene: the same, some time later. Music plays on. The band are at the edge of the field, ready to go on the march. Lynn, carrying a large stack of papers, is talking to a tall thin Japanese girl about something. The Japanese girl looks a bit confused but interested all the same. Daria and AP are still staring at her as she thrusts her papers into the Japanese girl's arms and jogs away towards the announcer's box. The Japanese girl looks at the papers and then shrugs and walks up to the band, sifting through them and handing them out.)

Daria: (when the Japanese girl gets to her) Kim ... what...

Kim: (shrug) Look, I've been doing this for years. All I ever get to conduct is the Lions fight song and hits from the movies. This looks a hell of a lot more fun, we can keep to the same formation as we had for the other thing, and what are they going to do? Kick us out of the band?

Daria: (after a beat) Either way.

(And she takes the paper offered. Kim sifts through the pile and hands AP a sheet as well, then moves on. AP takes one look and laughs. Daria looks at him.)

Daria: Something funny?

AP: She always WANTED to pull this! See the tune?

(Daria frowns at the paper, then starts humming out the tune. She gets through four notes - if you're any good at "Name That Tune", you already know why she looks like she's trying not to laugh.)

Daria: We're going to do this?

AP: Why the hell not? Wonder if she can get the words...

(There's a feedback whine from the PA, and we can hear...)

Upchuck: (OS from PA) OW! OW! LET GO OF ME, YOU CRAZY...

(*thunk* *whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine* *whapwhapwhap* *THUD* *slam*)

Lynn: (OS from PA) Okay, people, it's halftime and if you'll pardon the narcissism, I'd like to perform a little number by Cleese, Idle, Palin, Chapman, Gilliam and Jones. HIT IT, GUYS!

AP: Our cue?

(Apparently it is, because Kim raises her baton. BGM fade out. And the band, marching on the field in formation, breaks into...)

Lynn: (OS from PA; singing) o/` Sit on my face/and tell me that you love me... o/`22

(Scene: the same, some time later.)

Upchuck: (OS from PA) Aaaaaaaand Lawndale takes homecoming, 63 to 3! And let's hear it for the Lions! (Cheers from the crowd) AND for the Lionesses as well - Lawndale's cheerleading squad for daring to be ... different. And certainly FEISTY! Rrrrowr!

Cheerleaders: CAN IT, UPCHUCK!

Upchuck: (OS from PA) VEEEERRRRRY feisty...

(Scene: LHS corridor. Music: "Minority" - Green Day. Lynn is standing with the cheerleaders, holding a shopping bag. A pair of pompoms are sticking out of the top.)

Stacy: Are you SURE you won't stay? I mean, it's been really ... I don't know about 'cool' but really INTERESTING...

Lynn: Sorry, Stacy, but I don't really fit in with you guys. And anyway, I have ... other commitments.

Angie: If it's about that ... GUY you're dating...

Lynn: (hiding a sad look) It's not just that. Seriously, it's been ... well, it's BEEN ... but... (hands over the shopping bag) I think I'm better off out.

(Angie takes the bag and looks at Lynn like she's completely lost it. Lynn turns around and walks away ... only to be followed by Stacy.)

Stacy: I don't GET it! You were doing so WELL! And a few of the other girls are, like, kind of not wanting to go back to the stuff Brittany thought up. You've GOTTA stay!

Lynn: YOU know the moves. YOU do it.

Stacy: I ... I ... I...

Lynn: Are you going to finish that sentence or am I going to have to Heimlich it out of you? (taking slight pity) I think I know what you need to say. Repeat after me. I...

Stacy: I...

Lynn: Am still...

Stacy: Am still...

Lynn: A doormat.

Stacy: A door... HEY!

Lynn: Too accurate?

Stacy: (dejected) Yeah.

Lynn: Then make it INaccurate.

(She walks away, headed for where Daria and Jane stand across the hall. She reaches them and stands there, waiting for someone to say something. Daria and Jane just kind of smirk at her. Jane says something. Lynn shrugs, gives a half-smile and they all three walk away. Stacy looks after them ... then raises an eyebrow and goes back to the cheerleaders with a determined look.)

(Scene: LHS gymnasium. Brittany steps through the door with a big smile on her face!)

Brittany: Hiiiiiiiiii guys! I'm back and I can HEAR a...

(The '...gain is drowned out by Coal Chamber's "Oddity" being blared full-blast through a boom box.)

Stacy: (OS) From the top, girls! ONE TWO THREE AND!

(Brittany's eyes go REALLY big after a moment.)

Brittany: Eep!



Now, all together now, "THANK YOU BEN AND JILL!". How the hell did I manage without these two musenappers? Of course, I sometimes think they're both trying to sabotage me with the geekiness and the Christmas special and the new Prom *ping* but as long as they're so gosh-darn helpful when I'm beating my head against the desk, I don't mind so much. You both, as Leopard via Mocksie would say, rock the casbah and all casbah-related events.


1] Paraphrased from Terry Pratchett's "Soul Music". On the other hand, even AP's more articulate than Cliff. [Back]

2] If he knew what we found out about Lynn and her family in "Tour of Duty", do you think he'd be laughing? [Back]

3] Morris, fed up with Jane and Lynn refusing to use their physical skills [track, cheerleading and basketball], went on a rant to this effect in "Gym Dandy". [Back]

4] Though "Cafe Disaffecto" has Daria explaining that she stopped playing flute because Jake ran over it when she was in fifth grade, it also has her stating, "Which was a year after I quit playing it anyway". So fourth grade, yeah. [Back]

5] AP drummed for the Back Alley Name-Droppers [and came up for the band name of same], as we see in "Rock Banned". [Back]

6] Lynn was thrust into marching band against her will by her mother, as seen in "Protest March". [Back]

7] "Run Away From Homecoming" waaaaaaaay back in TLASS1 shows Jane designing the homecoming float for her class and coming up with Tommy Sherman being crushed by a collapsible goal post ["The Misery Chick"] as representative of Lawndale High's football experience. [Back]

8] Thanks to Jill Friedman. This is, nearly verbatim [with a bit of Lynn-esque pedantry thrown in] a conversation we had when I got blocked on what to have Jane come up with if she couldn't do corpses. [Back]

9] We saw Stacy flee the Fashion Club after Quinn broke the trail for her back in "Love Him or Leave Him"; the first mention of her joining the cheerleading squad comes in "Mercedes Bends". [Back]

10] One of Lynn's attempts to differentiate herself from Daria back in "Misshapen Identity" was to join up with the cheerleaders. It only lasted a day, though, because of her dislike of smiling without a reason. [Back]

11] Remember her 'assignment' cheer in "Gym Dandy"? [Back]

12] Guy "Goat-boy" Mann was first introduced to us in "Thrash of the Titans", and Jane was set up on a date with him in "Sets and the Single Girls". From comments she made in "Tour of Duty", it's going tentatively between them but it is going. [Back]

13] Well, he and Lynn are supposed to be a couple after revelations in "Tour of Duty". [Back]

14] Blue and yellow [or gold, whatever]. Against a bright green background. Oh yeah. Sniper heaven. [Back]

15] We first see part of the Inner Sanctum [the firing range, at least] in "Love's Labour", which is the same fic in which we meet the at that point unnamed 'Warlock' and 'Scar'. [Back]

16] The "Tour of Duty" little running gag. Thank/blame Diane Long and Ben Yee. [Back]

17] "Misshapen Identity" again. Oh, and before I forget, this entire conversation up to this point is creditable to Ben Yee. I wanted this from a Warlock's-eye view and it turned into roleplay. *tips auctorial chapeau* Danke. [Back]

18] All four of whom are met in "Protest March", particularly Matt Templeton, who seemed to be vying for Lynn's affections. [Back]

19] I KNEW there was something I forgot to mention in "Thrash of the Titans". Joe McKeon, the B.A.N.D's new drummer, is the same drummer who plays in Oakwood High's marching band. So he'd know about Daria, probably through Guy or Mara. [Back]

20] Max has kind of had a thing for Lynn that probably started in "Lady and the Tank", around the same time she lost interest because he's "a whiny moron". This was exacerbated by her getting that tattoo in "Misshapen Identity" and of course, the strip-club scene in "Tour of Duty". [Back]

21] We saw Upchuck announcing the games in "A Tree Grows in Lawndale". I hated that ep and of course I'm ignoring S4 entirely in this continuum but I can still borrow SOME bits and so that's what I'm doing. Deal with it. Oh, and when I say "Jack Paterson", I mean the guy with the crew cut from "The Daria Database" that I call "Crew Cut" and Austin Loomis calls "Beefy Boy" in the adapts but who he named Jack for no particular reason. I gave him a last name. *shrug* [Back]

22] Collectively known as Monty Python. And she's wanted to do this since "Protest March" so isn't it nice she finally got her chance? [Back]


Daria Morgendorffer et al are the creations of Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn but are owned by MTV, a Viacom company, copyright 1997, 2000. [Apparently, this is possible by 'work for hire', a concept that eludes me.] Lynn Cullen, AP McIntyre, Messrs Ellis and Brunner, Guy Mann, Matt Templeton, Sarah Clarke, Joe McKeon and Rick Jeffreys, on the other hand, were created and are owned by me, one Janet 'Canadibrit' Neilson, copyright 1999, 2000. Touch my characters without consulting me and it will go hard with you. This is a "substantially transformative" derivative work, apparently [what a highfalutin way to say fanfic], and is protected by the Supreme Court's decision in re Campbell v. Acuff Rose Music, so keep the copyright notice where it is and don't post it for money. If you do so without my permission and that of MTV Networks, I WILL pull a Lynn Cullen on you. And then I'll call lawyers.

Back to Canadibrit's fics