(Opening 'teaser' montage. Music: "You're Standing On My Neck" – Splendora.

Daria and Lynn sit side by side in Ms Li's office, looking warily at each other.

LHS science lab. AP standing with Stacy behind a lab table. AP looks at a beaker simmering over a Bunsen burner on the table, then at an empty test tube in Stacy's hand, then ducks under the table. A moment later, he grabs Stacy by the front of the shirt and pulls her down as the glassware on the table blows up.

The woods somewhere. Daria and Lynn are sitting around a campfire. Lynn holds up a hand and they both take on a tense, listening posture.

LHS gymnasium. Jane is in gym clothes, waving her arms in a 'pass it here' gesture. Seconds later, a basketball flies into shot, hitting her in the face hard enough to knock her over.

LHS corridor. Daria is wearing a slinky black dress and looking miserable and resigned. Upchuck leers something at her; Daria raises an eyebrow, gets an 'oh what the hell' look and then kicks him in the groin.

LHS auditorium – stage. Lynn is onstage, holding a knife to her throat and yelling something at Mack, who looks extremely taken aback. Cut to the seats, where O'Neill looks ecstatic and Daria, Jane and AP look impressed.

Morgendorffer corridor. Jake stands in the doorway of Quinn's room, looking sad and horrified. Quinn, talking on the phone, looks at him scornfully and slams the door in his face.

Zen backstage area. Nick and Casey Wright from the Back Alley Name-Droppers are involved in a fistfight. Trent gestures to Jesse, who walks up to the two of them and knocks their heads together; both combatants drop.

Trent's Plymouth. Daria, Jane and AP staring out the passenger side windows. Facial expressions are confusion, disbelief and anger respectively.

Daria and Lynn side-by-side again, smirking slightly. As the original montage sequence, the camera pulls in and then out again to reveal two interlocking circles; one contains the Daria logo and the other contains a corresponding 'Lynn' version. Writing in Daria font reads, "Daria in…")


A Daria Fan Fiction [TLAS 3:08]

(Scene: LHS auditorium. Music: "Magdalena" – A Perfect Circle. Jane, Lynn, AP, Upchuck, Ted and assorted cast members are milling around onstage.)1

O'Neill: (from the seats) Okay, Lynn, AP, we're going to go through the scene in which Romeo and Juliet discover their undying love!

(Lynn and AP turn away from each other a little to hide the slightly worried looks. Lynn finds herself looking right at Jane, who smirks at her before being cowed into submission by Lynn's glare. AP looks at Daria, who's hanging around in the wings; she gives him a little sympathetic shrug.)

O'Neill: Now, this time, I'd like to try it with full blocking. That means ALL the actions.

Lynn & AP: (in unison; very quiet) Eep...2

O'Neill: So we'll go from … (thumbs through script) Ah! Where Romeo catches his Juliet for the first time!

Upchuck: Um … Mr O'Neill? Could I make a suggestion? (when O'Neill nods) I got the impression that Juliet, while taken by Romeo, wouldn't just wander off on her own and allow herself to be accosted by just ANYONE. After all, it's already established that her mother has trained her to set her sights high, and she's promised to at least consider Paris as a suitor. It might be helpful to give Juliet some reason why Paris is out of the running.

AP: (sotto) Like she hasn't got enough of one already…

O'Neill: Why, that's a marvellous idea, Charles! Now, what would you suggest?

Upchuck: Perhaps a feisty but virtuous lady such as Juliet would drop Paris from the running if he let his PASSIONATE nature get the better of him…

O'Neill: Of COURSE! An unwanted advance would drive Juliet away from the dancing and straight into the arms of gentle Romeo! Wonderful suggestion, Charles…

(O'Neill turns his attention to a clipboard, taking notes. Lynn turns to her companions, appalled.)

Lynn: That … just gave him free license to grope me, didn't it. (Jane and AP give sympathetic nods) Crap…

(Scene: the same, mid-scene. Music plays on. Lynn and Upchuck are dancing. Lynn looks less than thrilled. Upchuck's hand moves to her butt and gives a squeeze and Lynn smacks him hard across the face, stepping hard on his foot at the same time. He screams and pushes her away, knocking her to the floor.)

Upchuck: OW!

Lynn: That's a LITTLE too realistic, Upchuck…

O'Neill: (OS) PERFECT!

(Lynn and Upchuck share a 'look' and then turn to O'Neill.)

Lynn: Excuse me?

O'Neill: From a blocking point of view, that's perfect! If you're on the floor, Romeo has an excuse to take your hand! Now maybe we should try that again to get the timing… (catches Lynn's look and backs off) Okay … let's move straight on to the scene with Romeo. Action!

AP: (taking Lynn's hand and helping her up) "If I profane with my unworthiest hand/This holy shrine, the gentle sin is this/My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand/To smooth that rough touch with a gentle kiss."

(He moves to kiss her hand; she pulls it away, still clasped in his. A tension starts to build between them.)

Lynn: "Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much/Which mannerly devotion shows in this/For saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch/And palm to palm is holy palmer's kiss." (She slips her hand over his until their hands are pressed palm-to-palm.)

AP: (hopeful grin; twining his fingers in hers) "Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?"

Lynn: (teasing smirk, pulling away) "Aye, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer."

AP: (suddenly earnest; gripping her hand again) "O, then, sweet saint, let lips do what hands do/They pray; grant thou, lest faith turn to despair."

Lynn: "Saints do not move … (small smile) Though grant for prayer's sake."

AP: (shy smile) Then move not, while my prayer's effect I take.

(The kiss lasts for a second and a half – just a bit longer than a chaste peck should. It adds to the tension rather than diminishing it. AP looks into Lynn's face and sheepishly drops her hand.)

AP: "Thus, from my lips by thine, my sin is purged." (turns to go)

Lynn: (before he gets three steps) "And have my lips the sin that they have took?"

(AP turns to face her, sees the inviting little smile on her face, and his own face lights up. Neither is acting any more. Neither notices the other's sincerity.)

AP: (grin) "Sin from my lips? O trespass sweetly urged; give me my sin again!"

(They each take one step forward to close the gap between them. The kiss lasts for 15 seconds; it seems far longer. Lynn's hands are locked around his neck; his are buried in her hair. Eventually, they realise what they're doing and jump backwards, turning away from each other. They're both too flustered about what they felt to consider that it might have been reciprocated.)

Lynn: (breathless) "You kiss by the book…"

(Desperate for something else to look at, they look up towards the seats, where O'Neill is now talking to Caldwell.3 O'Neill looks depressed and a bit worried about whatever Caldwell's telling him. Lynn and AP can now look at each other, and do.)

AP: (sotto) What do you make of that?

(Caldwell stands up.)

Caldwell: Good afternoon, students, if I could have your attention, please?

Lynn: (sotto) Don't know. But I bet we're not going to like it.

Caldwell: Now, as some of you may be aware, Lawndale High has had some … budget problems under my predecessor. (Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP share a look) And, the way things are running at present, it seems the budget won't be able to sustain a theatre performance this year.

(Low muttering from the students. AP looks almost relieved; no 'maybe' about the look on Lynn's face. Jane looks a bit put-out, cheated out of a yenta opportunity. Daria, as usual, impassive, until she realises.)

Daria: This is going to hurt you two; don't you need the extra credit?

Jane: Yeah, but not too badly.

AP: Yeah, but what can WE do about it?

Caldwell: But I do have a solution that you may find suitable and, who knows? Maybe even fun!

Daria: Do you get that shuddery feeling every time a principal says 'fun'?

Caldwell: I propose a slave auction!

(General "What the HELL…?" stares.)

(Scene: Pizza King. Music: "Not My Idea" – Garbage. Daria sits on one side of the booth, Lynn on the other. Jane and AP approach, bearing pizza, and Jane moves quickly to sit next to Daria, leaving the spot next to Lynn free for AP. Lynn rolls her eyes but says nothing as AP sits down.)

AP: Slave auction? What the HELL gave him THAT dumb idea?

Lynn: I'd imagine "Saved By The Bell" reruns. (to their looks) Hey, you aren't the only one who's ever been roped into babysitting, Daria.4

Daria: It's bad enough he wants as many people from the play itself as he can get to sign up to be slaves for a day. But to ask for us as a double-act?

Jane: Well, I guess it makes sense. I mean, you're practically twins. If you want a pair of slaves you can show off, get the ones that match the best.5

Daria: We're not twins, Jane. Nor are we bookends.

AP: Well, she's right, though … and there's only so much anyone who buys you can do to you BOTH in a day…

Lynn: (inspiration) I say we do it. (to the looks) No, no, listen to me. We need money to keep this play going, or AP probably goes to summer school, right? And Jane's not doing much better.

AP: That's basically it, yeah…

Lynn: And we assume that Daria and I are going to make a lot of money as a double-act, right? (nods from the gang, not sure where she's going) So we sign up as a team – a pair of twin slaves, and then I hand over a substantial amount of trust fund to Jane and AP, who buy us at a price unheard of by most high school teenagers.6

AP: The play gets the money…

Daria: We look like we're participating in something for a change…

Jane: And you don't get asked to do anything…

Lynn: I think you should stop right there, Jane.

(Brief silence. Lynn smirks and takes a bite of her pizza; the others follow suit. Pan to the next booth over, where Upchuck is sitting by himself with a thoughtful expression on his face, which turns into a sleazy, sneaky grin.)

(Scene: LHS art room. Jane is on a potter's wheel. AP wanders in, shutting the door behind him, and watches her for awhile.)

AP: Well … you're not my idea of Demi Moore, but the pot's nice.7

(Jane visibly bites back a comment.)

Jane: How are Daria and Lynn coping, with so few moments of freedom left?

AP: It's almost funny. Erudite Emerald is pacing around in the wings going "I can't believe I'm doing this I can't believe I'm doing this I can't believe I'm doing this" like a broken record and Purple Peril … well, she's keeping the volcanoes inactive.8 For now.

Jane: (crumpling her pot) Ah well, come on. We want to get good seats for this thing.

AP: (as they head towards the door) You have the cash, right?

Jane: Of course. You don't think I'm going to mislay two hundred dollars, do you?

AP: Two HUNDRED? Whoa, Purple Peril believes in covering all bases, doesn't…

(He twists the doorknob. It doesn't budge. He rattles the doorknob. No dice.)

Jane: What's going on? (as AP rattles the doorknob some more) We're locked IN? (AP doesn't respond; just starts sifting through his pockets) You're KIDDING! Who would want to do something like that?

AP: (kicking the door) No one died and made me Nostradamus, okay?9 I don't KNOW!

(Scene: LHS auditorium, seats. Upchuck is grinning evilly as…)


(Cut to the stage, where Daria and Lynn, standing sheepishly on the stage next to DeMartino [at a podium, with gavel, very picture of an auctioneer] look at each other in absolute horror.)

Daria and Lynn: (in unison) Oh. My. God.

(Back to Upchuck, who's grinning even wider.)

Upchuck: Rrowrl…

END ACT 1 – ADVERTS [Lead-in: Daria and Lynn looking at each other in horror.]

Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason: One of these 'it girl' novels. Tagline – "There's only one Bridget Jones". Having read the book, I can tell you why: Darwinism.

Me, Myself and Irene: Jim Carey is a good actor. So why do people insist on, for the most part, casting him in stupid-looking roles because of his gormless and stretchable face?

(Scene: Cullen kitchen. "Tonight, Tonight, Tonight" – Genesis. Jane and AP are busily screwing the legs back onto a kitchen table while Daria and Lynn, sitting side-by-side on the countertop, go through sheets of paper.)

Lynn: Well, he's not allowed to touch us or make us touch him in any intimate way, he's not allowed to make us spend our own money, he's not allowed to make us wear anything really indecent and the slavery only runs for the length of the school day.10 So now what?

Daria: (sigh) We do it. What else is there? (beat) So much for a simple plan.

Jane: We're really sorry; we…

Daria: It wasn't your fault.

Lynn: (cold certainty) But I bet I know whose fault it WAS…

Daria: Let's not jump to conclusions here.

AP: Oh, come on, Erudite Emerald; he obviously wanted you badly. I mean, you said he paid seventy-five bucks for you both!

Jane: And if he had some way of knowing that we were the only ones who could even hope to get more than that together on short notice…

Lynn: Well, that's yet another lesson being driven home the hard way. (beat; to their looks) Never discuss something that you wouldn't want even one other person to hear in public.

(There is a short silence at this.)

Jane: Well, well. Pearls of wisdom from the Purple Paranoid.

Daria: Jane…

Lynn: (sigh) I'm sorry; I'm in a bit of a pessimistic frame of mind. And can you blame me? He's bound to want revenge for the times I've beaten him up this year. Or threatened to.11

Daria: He's not going to be that much less likely to want to score a few points off me, Lynn. I may not ever have got physical with him, but I've cut him down sharply enough that he's probably still feeling the sting. At least that might take some of the pressure off.

Lynn: I suppose. And it's only a day. Somehow, we'll get through it.

AP: But if you explain to Caldwell … I mean, it's Hefner's Folly we're talking about here! You could probably get out of it…

Daria: Only by having Caldwell give the seventy-five bucks that Upchuck spent on us back. That's not a spit in the ocean, AP.

Lynn: Maybe that much less in the budget wouldn't make or break the play. But what if it DID? We said we'd do this, and we're going to. (beat) We're just not going to LIKE it very much.

(The doorbell rings. Everyone looks at Lynn, who shrugs and heads away. After a brief pause, AP puts down his screwdriver.)

AP: How far do you think we'd get into searching her room before she got back?

Daria: AP…

AP: Well, it might give us some answers. I read "Hideaway" too, you know!12

Daria: (stern) AP…

(Lynn returns bearing two mid-sized boxes, handing one to Daria.)

Lynn: Special Delivery. From Upchuck. For tomorrow.

Daria: Any clue as to what's in them?

Lynn: I don't even think I want to know.

(Nonetheless, they tear open the paper on the boxes and open them. Their eyes go big.)

Daria: His father has GOT to take his credit card off that kid.13

(Scene: LHS corridor. Daria pokes her head out of the girl's locker room and sees Jane and AP looking at her.)

Jane: Come on; it can't be that bad.

(Daria exits the locker room wearing a short, slinky black cocktail dress. With the boots. Jane smirks. AP lets out a cheerful, teasing wolf-whistle. Daria blushes and glares at him.)

Daria: Well, I guess I haven't got it SO bad. You should see LYNN'S outfit.

Jane: ('oh, GOD' expression) How many times over is she going to have to kill him?

Daria: (pushing the door open) Come on, Lynn. You're just delaying the inevitable.

(The door opens fully and Lynn steps out, clad in the gold bikini-thing Leia wears in "Return of the Jedi" and lace-up sandals.14 Her hair is in a braid down her back and she looks extremely pissed off – very Amazon warrior. Jane smirks some more, but AP's jaw drops.)

AP: Nrgh…

Jane: Whoa. Nice.

(Upchuck approaches, looking far too pleased with himself.)

Upchuck: Well, well, well! And how are my feisty love-slaves this morning?

Daria & Lynn: (in unison) Can it, Upchuck.

Upchuck: (attempt at commanding) Now ladies … for today, at least, you call me Chas.

(Daria and Lynn exchange a look.)

Daria & Lynn: (in unison) Fine. Can it, Chas.

(Upchuck circles Daria and Lynn, who glare at him. He is inspecting his 'merchandise'.)

Upchuck: Well, well, Ms Morgendorffer … now I finally get a decent view of that figure you so badly want to hide. And I can see why you would – so rare and precious a vision should be saved for the few and fortunate. Rrowrl…

(Daria bites her tongue and suppresses a shudder. Upchuck approaches Lynn, who stands very still and refuses to look at him.)

Upchuck: And Ms Cullen … Force or no Force, you're feisty! In the words of the suave and sophisticated Mr Bond, I do so like a girl in a bikini … no concealed weapons.15

(Lynn's facial expression conveys anger, slight guilt and a feeling of being cheated. Upchuck doesn't notice but Daria does, and frowns suspiciously.)

Upchuck: Now, my little pets … today, you are mine.

Daria: We know the rules to this slave day, Up … Chas. We may have to do SOME of what you say, but there are limits and we're not letting you cross them. Step out of line and… (worst threat she can think of) …and I'll turn the matter over to Lynn.16

Lynn: You know what I'm capable of. Don't test me.

Upchuck: Perhaps we can … strike a bargain. You play fair with me, and I … *I* will play fair with YOU. (beat) After all, it simply wouldn't do to have Mr Caldwell thinking that you hadn't done your duty and insist on giving me a refund for your services…

(Daria looks at Lynn, who is just about keeping her temper, then turns back to Upchuck.)

Daria: Look, all we want is to get through this day with a minimum of embarrassment. Do you think we can handle that?

Upchuck: The name of the game is 'servitude', fair handmaidens. (snaps his fingers imperiously) Come! You shall carry my books!

(Daria and Lynn shoot Jane and AP an 'oh, hell' look and follow Upchuck away.)

AP: Do you think we'll ever be able to pay them back for what they're doing for us here?

Jane: No one can do enough good deeds in a lifetime to make THIS up to them.

(They look at each other sadly and walk off in separate directions.)

(Montage sequence. Music: "Condescension" – Pitchshifter.
LHS corridor. Upchuck deliberately drops a stack of books. He gestures to Daria and Lynn, who sigh and start picking them up. He blatantly ogles them as they do so. Ms Barch, standing not too far away, looks pissed off, but Upchuck just grins at her and goes back to his 'show'. Barch looks even angrier.

Mrs Bennett's classroom. Upchuck is sitting back in his chair, flipping idly through "Esquire", while everyone else is furiously trying to copy one of Mrs Bennett's notorious diagrams off the board. Daria is one of them; she looks up and scowls at Upchuck. Quick cut to the library, where Daria is making photocopies [presumably of her notes] and handing them over to a smug Upchuck.

LHS cafeteria. Various glimpses of the other students show that the slave day is in full effect. Sandi and Tiffany sit like queens as Jamie [in full waiter uniform] serves them a packed lunch. Stacy is getting a manicure from Jodie. Ted is wearing a kilt and dancing a reluctant hornpipe for Kevin and the guffawing football team, while Quinn looks on in genuine pity for her boyfriend; Brittany is wearing a French maid's outfit and is spoon-feeding Kevin his lunch between bursts of laughter. Upchuck sees this last and his eyes light up. He turns to Lynn, who is sitting next to him with a posture that suggests she might bolt at any moment, and pulls a bunch of grapes out of his book bag. Lynn looks utterly disgusted and starts none-too-gently feeding him the grapes. Daria, who is sitting on the other side and fanning Upchuck with an Oriental paper fan, looks at Lynn with a pitying expression. Lynn takes this badly and nearly tosses the next grape down Upchuck's throat. He chokes briefly, then looks at her with a 'naughty girl' expression. Lynn sighs and visibly fights her temper down.

LHS corridor. Upchuck stops by a water fountain and gestures imperiously to Lynn, who sighs, steps forward and pushes the button. Unfortunately, the water fountain is defective; it spits the water too high and soaks Upchuck. Lynn gives a vindicated smirk while Upchuck looks askance at her, thinking she's done it on purpose. Lynn wipes the smirk off her face and pushes the button again, more delicately this time. Upchuck scowls at her before taking a drink.)

(Scene: LHS corridor. "Underneath the Waves" – Strapping Young Lad. Daria and Lynn have shared out Upchuck's books between them and are walking down the corridor, flanking him like bookends or bodyguards. Joey goes past them the other way, sweeping the floor in front of Sandi and Tiffany. Upchuck stops at his locker and spins the dial before making a gesture to Lynn.)

Upchuck: (reaching into his pocket) You open it for me, my beauteous barbarian handmaiden.17

(Lynn complies, and Upchuck comes out of his pocket with a pair of handcuffs, locking one around Lynn's wrist before she can react. He slips the other through the locker handle and onto her other wrist even as she lashes out with a knee and gets him in the stomach. Upchuck staggers back, gasping but triumphant. Lynn has been chained to Upchuck's locker door like a sacrificial offering. She yanks downwards with both hands; the locker door handle and the handcuff chains hold.)

Lynn: (temper completely gone) You're going to wish your parents had never MET! (yanks on the chain again; still nothing.)

Upchuck: (shaking a finger at her) Ah, ah, ah; you don't talk to your master that way.

Daria: I seriously don't think you'd be allowed to do this, Upchuck.

Upchuck: Daria, it's CHAS.

Daria: No; it's MUD if you don't unlock her. This isn't in the rules.

Upchuck: If it doesn't say I CAN'T… (to the still-struggling. Lynn; mocking) Some feisty lady YOU turned out to be. Only got one shot in before I locked you up… (Lynn lashes out with a foot, but Upchuck's about three inches out of her reach.) Nice view, though.

(With that, he pulls a disposable camera out of his pocket and starts taking pictures. Lynn manages to harness the temper enough to stop struggling. She hangs from the locker door, eyes closed, almost meditative. This seems to worry Daria more than the demon-rage.)

Daria: Up… Chas. Hand over the keys. NOW.

Upchuck: I don't think so. I'd like to be a fair distance before she's off there.

Daria: (mutter to herself) Well, I guess no one ever said you were stupid… (Upchuck puts the camera away.) Fine. Give ME the keys and I'LL unlock her.

(The power has completely gone to Upchuck's head now; he grins, dangles the keys before Daria's miserable and resigned eyes, and then drops them down the front of his pants.)

Upchuck: (leer) Want to go fishing for them?

(Daria looks at him. Her face takes on an expression that says "Oh, what the hell." Then she hikes a foot back and kicks him squarely in the crotch. Upchuck whimpers and collapses.)

Daria: I don't think so. (she turns back to Lynn … and notices she's free of the handcuffs.) How the HELL did…

Lynn: If I'd kept my temper I'd have realised… (holds up a bobby pin) …that sometimes doing your hair isn't so bad after all. (beat) I'm gonna have to do something about this temper of mine. Maybe I'd stop acting first and thinking later.

Daria: Might be safer for you all around.18

Lynn: So … how did it feel, indulging in a random act of violence?

Daria: (small smile) I think I see what you get out of it. (beat) We ought to try to get that camera away from Upchuck…

Lynn: (quite calm) Too late. (they both turn around to see that Upchuck has vanished) I guess you take enough hits to the happy-sacks, you develop enough of an immunity that you can at least move.

Daria: (stunned) But … he's got…

Lynn: (small, very evil smirk) I think it's safe to say that he will be … dealt with. (beat) I'm going to get changed. (beat; idea) Come around to my house after school. Claim an late rehearsal. Extend the invitation to Jane and AP, but don't arrive before eight; I'll be busy.

(Daria watches Lynn walk away.)

END ACT 2 – ADVERTS [Lead-in; Daria kicking Upchuck in the balls]

Stella Artois: Beer. They rip off quite good French movies, add humour, and sell beer. Their selling point is, "It's so expensive it HAS to be good". How very late C20.

Next on The Look-Alike Series: Barch threatens to quit unless certain sexist policies are reworked, so pom-pom waving turns to slam-dunking in "Gym Dandy".

(Scene: Lawndale street. Daria, Jane and AP walking. Daria looks to be in a world of her own. Jane and AP are staring at her.)

Jane: He's gonna die.

AP: She's going to jail.

Jane: I mean, even BEFORE the attack, she wouldn't have let him live!

AP: Or worse – the wacky ward.

Jane: She knows ways to hurt people that would freak out Inquisitors if she even knows HALF the ones I saw in her book…

AP: They'd call Kate. (beat) They'd call Kate, and Kate would have her locked in a wacky ward. (beat) Kate would make them turn her into Narcissa.

Daria: Have you ever considered that maybe Lynn isn't going to hurt anyone? (to their looks) She looked like she'd calmed down last time I saw her.

Jane: She's beaten him to pulp for less than this.

AP: She knows how to use a knife.19

(Daria falls silent, remembering the 'concealed weapons' crack and Lynn's reaction to it. They walk on in silence for awhile.)

Jane: What does Lynn want to meet up with us for?

Daria: She wouldn't say.

Jane: (sarcastic) Oh, jeez, of course she didn't; what WAS I thinking?

(They fall silent again at that, and just keep walking.)

(Scene: LHS corridor. Music: "Trigger Inside" – Therapy? Upchuck is walking towards the doors, whistling and smirking to himself. And a set of hands reach out from a doorway, grab him and pull him inside before he can make any sort of sound. The door shuts behind him.)

(Scene: a classroom. Music plays on. Upchuck is thrown into a chair; he looks rather pale. Lynn, back in her normal clothes, is looking at him with a neutral expression … but her eyes glitter with fury. A fairly large fly can be heard buzzing around the room in the silence.)

Lynn: We're going to have a little chat, you and I.

Upchuck: (trying to maintain composure) What about, my vicious and feisty señorita?

(Lynn flicks her right wrist; a knife appears in her hand and she throws it; it sticks in the chalk gutter of the blackboard four inches from Upchuck's left ear. Upchuck looks, pale, and sees that it has smashed the fly.20 When he looks back at Lynn, she wields another knife.)

Lynn: (conversational) How much easier do you think it would be to get you in the balls? (beat) Now perhaps you could hand over the camera? (Upchuck complies, shaking.) And no one has to find out we had this little chat. After all, being picked on by a girl… (shake of her head) …it doesn't say much for your reputation, does it?

(She steps around him for her other knife. Upchuck regains some of his misguided courage.)

Upchuck: What I did was perfectly fair! It didn't say ANYWHERE in the rules that…

(Almost before Upchuck can blink, Lynn is back in his face with the knife to his throat.)

Lynn: (low menace) Am I acting like someone who cares? The letter of the law means sweet piss all. (beat) You don't touch me again. You don't come near me again. EVER. And that goes for my friends as well. And if the wrong ears – and that means ANY ears – hear about this incident, I will see to it that the Ruttheimer lineage dies with you.

Upchuck: (scared witless) You … you wouldn't…

Lynn: Kill you? Test me. (Upchuck goes very still. There is a lot of silence.) All right then. Are we on the same page? (Upchuck nods, but carefully, because of the knife) Good. Now get out of here.

(She takes the knife away. Upchuck sits there for a moment and then runs like hell. Lynn looks after him, looking almost ashamed and a lot older. Then she shrugs and stuffs her knife up her sleeve.)

(Scene: Lane house, exterior. Daria is standing at the door, which Jane opens.)

Jane: Yo, amiga!

Daria: Hey. (beat) I know it's not time to get to Lynn's yet, but I wanted to get out of the house before Dad got home.

Jane: He's cleaned up a little?

Daria: Yeah; I don't see much of Mom OR Dad anymore. Dad's new client is keeping him busy and Mom got another three this week alone, so we're all communicating via fridge notes and answering machine messages. (beat; slightly sad) It's probably better this way for awhile.21

Jane: (sympathetic) It's not really your problem, Daria. I mean, this happened before you were born.

Daria: Or BECAUSE I was born.

Jane: (mock stern) Enough of that, young lady! We're not going to have any of this self-pitying crap! I know we've got a bottle of bourbon somewhere; maybe a good stiff drink'll do you good.

Daria: London was a really corrupting influence on you, wasn't it?22

Jane: (shrug) Oh, I would have got this way eventually. That just gave me a head start.

(Jane grins. Daria smirks at her. They go into the house.)

(Scene: the bar. Music: "Personal Jesus" – Depeche Mode. Lynn is sitting at a rickety table, staring morosely into a drink.)

Rust: (OS) I think you handled that quite well, considering.23 (beat) After all, some things should only be allowed to go so far. (beat) And you seem to have followed the rules.

Lynn: (miserable) What rules? (beat) I held a knife to someone's throat today.

Rust: (OS) Sounds like he deserved it. (beat) And with what we've gone over the past few weeks, how were you supposed to react?

Lynn: Like a normal teenage girl.

Rust: (OS) But you're not one. And it's dangerous for you to be one. (beat) Whatever you decide about … all this … in the long run, for now you need to know how to defend yourself. And that means against ANYTHING. Even sleaze-bags like the Ruttheimer kid.

Lynn: I went too far.

Rust: (OS) You went as far as you went. Is he going to bother you again?

Lynn: (very slight smile) He'd rather chew his own arm off than come within twenty feet of me. (smile spreads slowly) And you should have seen the look on his face…

Rust: (OS) That's more like it, Cullen.

Lynn: Guess you're good for more than just target practice. (beat; slight nod) Thanks.

Rust: (OS) No problem. (beat) Speaking of target practice… (to Lynn's miserable look) …we can skip it today. You got practical experience.

(Lynn gives a relieved little sigh)

(Scene: Cullen house, exterior. Music: "When I Come Around" – Green Day. Daria, Jane and AP are leaning on the side of the Plymouth, watching the house. Jane looks at her watch.)

Jane: Is this getting to be a habit with her, or what?

AP: I STILL say we search her room.

(The Merc pulls into the driveway and Lynn pops out of the driver's seat, bearing pizza and looking annoyed.)

Lynn: Do NOT blame me. This time it was that UFO-holic over at Pizza King that held me up.24

Daria: What's going on? There is no way I'm up for a rehearsal session tonight.

AP: Once, Purple Peril, just once … TELL US WHAT YOU'RE UP TO!

Lynn: Look, things have been … a little difficult lately. For all of us. And I kind of feel responsible for suggesting that we accept the slave jobs. So I thought it might be a nice surprise if I set up one of our typical 'order pizza in, watch movies and pig out' sessions. We haven't had one in awhile. Sorry if I presumed or anything – I just thought it might be nice to forget about school and family and kick back the old-fashioned way.

(Daria, Jane and AP all look a bit sheepish at this point.)

Daria: Um … that pizza's going to get cold if we don't start this up soon.

(Daria takes the pizza from Lynn. Lynn grabs a shopping bag and all four make their way into the house.)

(Scene: Cullen house, exterior. Music plays on. In the lighted living room window, the silhouettes of the gang are clearly visible.)

Jane: (OS) "The Craft"? You actually rented "The Craft"? AND "The Blair Witch Project"?

Daria: (OS) LYNN!

Lynn: (OS) Well, I like those movies! (*flump*) OW! Put that pillow down! And we all know there wasn't anything remotely like a witch out there.25

AP: (OS) Hey! "First Contact"!

Daria and Jane: (OS; in unison) Trekkies.

AP: (OS) Yeah, but NEW school Trekkies.

Daria: (OS) He who quoted Kirk…26 (*flump*) HEY! (*flump*) We're too OLD for pillow…

(There are several more *flump*s, and muffled laughter.)



To Brother Grimace. I don't think the ending would have worked without your last e-mail.


1] Just to prove I haven't forgotten the production of "Romeo and Juliet" I had them start in "An Irony of Errors"…[Back]

2] There is a lot of history between Lynn and AP. And, as we find out in "Relation-slips", they have deeper feelings for each other than they care to admit to. Jane knows Lynn's heart, and Daria knows AP's, but both have been sworn to secrecy, one way or the other. [Back]

3] You may remember Mr Caldwell, who replaced Ms Li as principal of Lawndale High after she got arrested in "The Flack-Jacket Mafia". He first appeared as a voice on the PA system in "Many Are Culled" but had a decent role in "Teachers' Pests". [Back]

4] In my continuum, Daria's been coerced into taking a babysitting job twice; "Pinch Sitter" [the corruption of the Gupty children] and "The Things We Do For Dough" [the aftermath of same]. I happened on a slave day ep of SBTB while babysitting once. [Back]

5] No matter how much they look alike, Daria and Lynn are only half-sisters, as was proven conclusively in "Sister, Sister". [Back]

6] Lynn first mentions the trust fund, which comes from the Smythe side of the family, in "World Geek Show". [Back]

7] From the film "Ghost". Ironic, though, that AP would say this when Jane's more like Demi Moore than he's like Patrick Swayze. [Back]

8] AP has two ways of describing Lynn's temper: "the demon-rage" ["Growing Cynical"] and "her emotional landscape contains a number of VERY active volcanoes" ["The Flack-Jacket Mafia"] [Back]

9] A definite AP-friendly reference. Something of the sort is mentioned in a Dilbert strip. [Back]

10] Explanation time: my old school in England actually used have this sort of slave auction. There were not-too-strict guidelines, and those were basically them. [Back]

11] Well, the first threat came in "A Meeting of the Brains". Then he backed off until the rumours in "The Flack-Jacket Mafia" reached a pitch. Then there was "Mercedes Bends" and she also slammed his head into a bank of lockers in "Misshapen Identity". [Back]

12] "Hideaway – Places to Stash Incriminating Evidence That Even FBI Agents Wouldn't Suspect!" first turned up in "Run Away From Homecoming". [Back]

13] The same gold card he was flaunting in "Malled", in case you were wondering. [Back]

14] Tip of the auctorial chapeau to Aaron Solomon [ben Saul Joseph] Adelman and his brother Barry because they had the basic idea first – Upchuck made Brittany wear this outfit in "Daria [the movie]'. [Back]

15] The "Force or no Force" bit is paraphrased from the comments on Princess Leia on Upchuck's homepage as seen on "The Daria Database". The Bond quote is real [not sure what film it's from, though] and was the primary inspiration for this fic. [Back]

16] This is a Terry Pratchett paraphrase, actually; "Men at Arms". When Carrot wants to make Gaspode find Angua: 'I'll…" He had never harmed an animal in his life. "…I'll turn the matter over to Corporal Nobbs".' [Back]

17] If you're familiar with Katherine Kerr, "beauteous barbarian handmaiden" is how Salamander refers to Jill for most of "Dawnspell" – I think. The fourth Deverry novel, anyway. [Back]

18] Well, Lynn's temper nearly got her killed – think "Liaisons". Someone hurt her friend and she acted before any thought process could happen. [Back]

19] She started proving this in "Admission: Impossible". [Back]

20] This particular scene was suggested by Ben Yee. Thanks yet again for all the inspiration. [Back]

21] In "Sister, Sister", he found out that Daria is not his child, which messed him up to the point of taking a very long drinking binge, which he was still on in "Admission: Impossible". This new turn was suggested by Brother Grimace. [Back]

22] "Rue Britannia" – Jane gets some experience in underage drinking. Surprisingly, given the number of times she was sick in that fic, she seems to like the idea. [Back]

23] This bar is a regular meeting place for Lynn and the character who, for another fic or two, shall be known simply as "Rust" – we met him first in "Sister, Sister" and we didn't even have THAT to call him then. [Back]

24] This would be Artie. He works at Pizza King on and off; we saw him in "The Lawndale File" [getting fired] and in "A Tree Grows in Lawndale" [which doesn't exist here, but if Artie can get rehired in one parallel universe, he can get hired in the other]. [Back]

25] "The Lawndale Witch Project" - Daria and Lynn discover the Lawndale Hoax. [Back]

26] AP and Lynn went into a Kirk/Spock mode [respectively] in "Quinn-tessence". Lynn could have got away with calling herself a 'new school' Trekkie on that basis, but AP... [Back]


Daria Morgendorffer et al are the creations of Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn but are owned by MTV, a Viacom company, copyright 1997, 2000. [Apparently, this is possible by 'work for hire', a concept that eludes me.] Lynn Cullen and AP McIntyre, on the other hand, were created and are owned by me, one Janet 'Canadibrit' Neilson, copyright 1999, 2000. Touch my characters without consulting me and it will go hard with you. This is a "substantially transformative" derivative work, apparently [what a highfalutin way to say fanfic], and is protected by the Supreme Court's decision in re Campbell v. Acuff Rose Music, so keep the copyright notice where it is and don't post it for money. If you do so without my permission and that of MTV Networks, I WILL pull a Lynn Cullen on you. And then I'll call lawyers.

Back to Canadibrit's fics