(Opening 'teaser' montage. Music: "You're Standing On My Neck" – Splendora.

Daria and Lynn sit side by side in Ms Li's office, looking warily at each other.

LHS science lab. AP standing with Stacy behind a lab table. AP looks at a beaker simmering over a Bunsen burner on the table, then at an empty test tube in Stacy's hand, then ducks under the table. A moment later, he grabs Stacy by the front of the shirt and pulls her down as the glassware on the table blows up.

The woods somewhere. Daria and Lynn are sitting around a campfire. Lynn holds up a hand and they both take on a tense, listening posture.

LHS gymnasium. Jane is in gym clothes, waving her arms in a 'pass it here' gesture. Seconds later, a basketball flies into shot, hitting her in the face hard enough to knock her over.

LHS corridor. Daria is wearing a slinky black dress and looking miserable and resigned. Upchuck leers something at her; Daria raises an eyebrow, gets an 'oh what the hell' look and then kicks him in the groin.

LHS auditorium – stage. Lynn is onstage, holding a knife to her throat and yelling something at Mack, who looks extremely taken aback. Cut to the seats, where O'Neill looks ecstatic and Daria, Jane and AP look impressed.

Morgendorffer corridor. Jake stands in the doorway of Quinn's room, looking sad and horrified. Quinn, talking on the phone, looks at him scornfully and slams the door in his face.

Zen backstage area. Nick and Casey Wright from the Back Alley Name-Droppers are involved in a fistfight. Trent gestures to Jesse, who walks up to the two of them and knocks their heads together; both combatants drop.

Trent's Plymouth. Daria, Jane and AP staring out the passenger side windows. Facial expressions are confusion, disbelief and anger respectively.

Daria and Lynn side-by-side again, smirking slightly. As the original montage sequence, the camera pulls in and then out again to reveal two interlocking circles; one contains the Daria logo and the other contains a corresponding 'Lynn' version. Writing in Daria font reads, "Daria in…")


A Daria Fan Fiction [LAS 3:05]

(Scene: Quinn's room. Quinn crawls out of bed [pale yellow baby-doll pyjamas – lots of pink hearts on bottoms, single pink satin heart on shirt – pink socks, rumpled hair] and looks at her closet. Looks at herself. Shrugs in a 'does it really matter anyway?' manner and leaves the room.)

(Scene: Morgendorffer kitchen. Helen is sitting at the table, feverishly working on her laptop. A bowl of cereal is slowly turning to mush by her right elbow. Quinn walks in and starts rummaging through the fridge. After a moment, she turns around and looks at her mother, chewing her lower lip nervously. Then she shuts the fridge and walks over to the table. Before she can speak, Helen looks up.)

Helen: (tentative) Quinn?

Quinn: (nervous) Yeah, Mom?

Helen: I … do you know where Daria actually IS?

Quinn: Well … if she's not at her weird art friend's house, then she's at … (vehement) that OTHER girl's house.

Helen: (sigh) I KNOW that, Quinn; I already called Jane's house. And the "other girl" is called Lynn.1

Quinn: (total bitchiness) Yeah, whatever.

Helen: (getting tired of this) Quinn, I want an address.

Quinn: (stunned) WHY? I mean, what would you want to talk to THAT girl for?

Helen: I want to talk to DARIA, Quinn. It's not right that I don't even know where my own daughter is staying.2

Quinn: (offhand nastiness) Oh, then it's fifteen Glen … Glen … Glen Oaks Court or Glenview Street or something. I don't remember; I mean, it's not like I was ever going to go BACK there or anything. I mean, that other girl's room is more depressing than DARIA'S! It's all BLACK!3

(Helen voices a dismal sigh and goes back to her work without saying anything more. Quinn seems to consider going on, but thinks better of it [we've had evidence – she's not that stupid].)

(Scene: Cullen living room. Music: "Bohemian Like You" – the Dandy Warhols. The holes in the wall have been patched over with bits of bright blue wallpaper; the spray-painted designs are still there, but they've been added to in shades of purple and silver to soften them. The sofa's been reupholstered with deep purple velvet and scattered with black satin throw pillows [but the woodwork's still scarred in places]. The coffee table has been replaced with a large pane of thick smoked glass held up by a frame of crudely welded stainless steel pipes. Jane is painting a pattern of bright purple roses around the edge of the glass. Lynn appears in the doorway and watches for a moment.)

Lynn: I thought we were going over lines.4 (Jane, absorbed, says nothing; Lynn sighs) I should never have let you offer to redecorate.5 (beat; walks in and sits on the sofa.) I'll never be rid of you now, will I?

Jane: (looking at her) Getting a bit crowded in here?

Lynn: Not really. And with you, I guess it's just art calling. But Daria…

Jane: So you ARE worried. I wondered.

Lynn: Maybe 'worried' is too strong a term. More like… (beat) No, worried about covers it.

Jane: Does that mean you have some idea about why we haven't said anything to her yet?

Lynn: The phrase "What do WE know about family?" springs to mind.6

(Short pause)

Jane: Well, we do know about how much it can suck.

Lynn: But, for the most part, we get by WITHOUT family. You have Trent; I… (very brief pause, very swift change of tack) Anyway, neither of us can stand up and say, "Come on; of course you need your family" without sounding like the world's biggest hypocrites.

Jane: (raised eyebrow – 'whoa; that was abrupt') Heard anything from … anyone? (when Lynn doesn't answer) Kate? Jerome? Lorna? Anyone?7

Lynn: (careful not to say too much) Not … exactly. (before Jane can get any further) And now that I've got your undivided attention… (waves script in her face)

Jane: (resigned) Okay, okay, okay. (beat) Can the nurse have a poodle? I'd really like to be in a scene where I'm walking a poodle.8

(Lynn just rolls her eyes.)

(Scene: Cullen front door. Music: "Della Brown" – Queensryche. Helen's SUV pulls up to the curb in front. Helen, in slacks and T-shirt, steps out and looks at the house. Then she walks up the front walk, stopping and looking in a nearly fearful way at the door. Then she reaches for the doorbell, hesitates … then pushes it. The sound it makes suggests that the bell is slightly dented. Helen waits. And waits. Just when she's about to ring the bell again, the door opens … and Helen stares. Lynn is standing at the door in her nightwear, hair askew, blinking blearily at Helen. The hallway behind her looks as bad as it did when Daria first saw it.)

Lynn: (slightly muzzy; stays that way throughout) Oh. H'llo, Mrs Morgendorffer…

Helen: (distant; still staring) Please … call me Helen… ("My God, she even SOUNDS like Daria…")

Lynn: 'Kay. (beat) Did you want to come in? The coffee maker works and it shouldn't take long to put the legs back on the kitchen table…

Helen: (slightly stronger, but confused) Uh, no. That's … all right; I … wouldn't want to put you to any trouble…

Lynn: 'Kay. (fairly long pause) Sorry; can I help you with something?

Helen: Is Daria here?

Lynn: Hang on. (turns and goes back up the stairs, calling out) Daria? Your mother's here. If you want to her to piss off, tell her yourself. I'm going back to bed.

(Helen blinks at the space Lynn stood. Then looks at the hallway of the house with shock – "What did she do to the house?" A moment later, Daria stands in the doorway. Helen can only stare for a moment, trying to get rid of the sense of déjà vu.)

Daria: Mom.

Helen: (slightly shaken) D-Daria! I … (deep breath) How are you?

Daria: Doing fairly well. (beat) You?

Helen: Well … (casts eyes downwards) not. (Daria raises an eyebrow. Helen looks at her, realises she'll have to elaborate if she wants to get anywhere here.) Daria … we want you to come home.

Daria: (looking around Helen as if for third parties) 'We'?

Helen: (morose) Your father … JAKE…

Daria: (gentle) Dad. Maybe not 'father', but 'dad'. There's a difference. (to Helen's look) 'Father' is about blood. 'Dad' is about family.

Helen: (snap) Well, you're not doing a very good job of showing you realise that! (The look Daria gives her tells her she's lost ground) Daria … the longer you stay away, the more you seem to say that … well, that you don't consider … that you don't think you're part of our family anymore.

(There is a pause. Daria clearly hadn't considered that.)

Daria: I thought … I didn't want to get in the middle of arguments between you and Dad…

Helen: (miserable) To be honest, Daria, after that first night, Jake and I haven't been in a frame of mind to argue. (Daria's eyes widen. That IS serious.) I could make you come home. You're still a minor. But I won't. (beat) But it would be a real comfort if you did come home.

(Daria looks at her mother, who is obviously dead serious. This is probably the first time anyone's given this strong an indication of needing her from an emotional point of view or seeing her as a comforting presence. And she feels guilty for the sad look in Helen's eyes.)

Daria: (sigh) Let me just go pack my things and I'll come back with you.

(Helen's face lights up and she seems to move to hug Daria, but senses that might not be the right move just yet. Daria goes into the house.)

(Scene: Cullen upstairs corridor. Music plays on. It, too, has been pretty well demolished – from all appearances, Lynn's been at the walls with a nail gun, several cans of dark grey spray-paint and a ball-peen hammer. Daria approaches an closed door [the only one without scars, holes, nails or paint and thus presumably Lynn's] … and stops when she sees that her duffel bag is sitting in front of it, fully packed. Daria looks worried, afraid she's hurt Lynn's feelings … and then she gets a better look at the bag. A house key has been pinned to the shoulder strap – a gesture of understanding, and an open invitation – "Good luck; but remember, mi casa, su casa". Daria smiles and looks at the closed door, moves towards it – then stops. No goodbyes seem necessary. She shoulders her bag and heads downstairs.)

(Scene: Lynn's room. Music plays on. Lynn is far from trying to go back to bed. She's sitting cross-legged on the bed, phone in her lap. When she hears the front door shut below, she picks up and dials, then holds it to her ear and waits for pickup. Her face is set.)

Lynn: (into phone) Rust?9 Cullen. (beat) We start tonight.

(Scene: Helen's SUV. Music: "Frozen" – Madonna. Daria is in the front passenger 'shotgun' seat and Helen is driving.)

Helen: I'll drop you off at home and then I thought I'd drop by the office for awhile…

Lynn: (VO from Daria's memory) Because you chose work over me one time too many.

Daria: (level) Mom … did you even wonder why you never saw Kate Cullen again after that first day at the hospital?10 Even though you went to her house just now?

Helen: (beyond confused) Daria?

Daria: (cold) She left on a six-month business secondment to Tokyo two days after Lynn was admitted to hospital. A full two days BEFORE she regained consciousness.11 (beat) By the time Kate comes back, Lynn will be eighteen, and will own that house in her own right. And she and Kate may not even see each other again, much less be on speaking terms.

(Helen, horrified, mulls this over. Lynn's trashing of the Cullen house is a fairly obvious gesture, given that information.)

Helen: (apologetic) Daria … I can't be in the house with Jake right now.

(Daria gives her mother a penetrating stare … and sees that Helen is very badly torn between wanting to do right by her daughters and fearing being in the house with her husband.)

Daria: (cutting slack) Yeah. Just … some information. (the stress on that is such that it should have been 'Just … a warning'.)

Helen: (sincere) I understand.

(Daria sees that she does and looks straight ahead. They drive on in silence.)

END ACT 1 – ADVERTS [Lead-in – Helen staring at Lynn]

Bavaria: Beer. Incomprehensible Polish ranting and cheerful drum solo. I'm sure extremely amusing if you're waking up the morning after overindulgence in the product…

ComedyCircus.com: Comedy website. Advert suggests logging on at work. Even if you AREN'T running IE3 and/or working under a net ban, one word still suggests itself – firewall.

(Scene: Morgendorffer house, exterior. Music: "Low Place Like Home" – Sneaker Pimps. The SUV pulls up in front of the house. Daria steps out, then turns and watches as it drives away. Then she looks at the house with a sigh and heads up the walk.)

(Scene: Morgendorffer upstairs corridor. Music plays on. Daria comes up the stairs and heads towards her room … then notices a door on the far end of the corridor, slightly ajar. She frowns slightly and heads towards it.)

(Scene: a tiny spare bedroom, decorated in slightly dingy yellow shades.12 Music plays on. Jake, in weekend-wear, is sprawled out on the bed, more passed-out than strictly asleep. A gin bottle, mostly empty, is sitting on the bedside table. Daria, peeking in through the slightly open door, heaves a quiet sigh, not sure whether to be more appalled by the turn Jake has taken or the cliché involved.)

(Scene: Morgendorffer upstairs corridor. Music plays on. Daria steps back from the door … and collides with Quinn, who is coming out of her room. They look at each other for a moment.)

Quinn: So you came home. (silence) Maybe things can get back to normal around here now you're back…

Daria: (cold) Don't. Talk. To me.

(Daria pushes past Quinn, goes into her room and slams the door shut. Quinn looks sulky and hurt.)

(Scene: Pizza King. Music: "D'you Know What I Mean" – Oasis. At a free-range table, Quinn is sitting across from Ted Dewitt-Clinton and angrily picking at a pizza slice. Ted looks concerned.13)

Ted: Quinn?

Quinn: (not looking up) Hmm?

Ted: Is something wrong?

Quinn: What makes you think THAT?

Ted: Well … you haven't actually uttered a sentence of more than five words in a week. (beat) And you're eating the cheese.14

(Quinn blinks at her pizza slice, then shrugs.)

Quinn: Who cares anyway? I mean, it's not like it's gonna KILL me.

Ted: (teasing) I dunno. Daria never WOULD tell me what process they use...15 (when Quinn doesn't react) Quinn, are you sure you won't tell me what's bothering you?

Quinn: Family sucks.

Ted: Is this about your sister?

Quinn: (absent) HALF-sister.

Ted: (fond exasperation) You're not starting THAT again, are you?

Quinn: What…?

Ted: Quinn, I didn't even know for sure that you and Daria were related until those fellows and I … uh … (blush) paid an uninvited visit to the booby-trapped house. After that, I asked around. Most people were under the impression that Daria is your cousin … or whatever. A few thought she was your au pair. One thought you were a visiting exchange student who was staying an awfully long time.16 But none seemed to know the truth.

Quinn: (morose) You should try asking again. (to Ted's bemused look) You don't follow the gossip at ALL, do you?

Ted: Why should I want to, when information from the source is so much more accurate?

(Ted's sheer innocence makes Quinn blink. Then she sighs.)

Quinn: Well, here it is – from as close to the source as you're going to get it. Daria found out that my dad isn't her dad. HER dad is that other girl's dad; Lynn's dad. So we're only half-sisters. (sigh) And I only hope Daria doesn't kill me even more for telling someone else.

Ted: Who else did you tell?

Quinn: Tori. Which means everyone. (groan) She's so MAD at me! And all because I was telling Tori and Dad was at the door and heard EVERYTHING!17 I mean, how was *I* supposed to know?

Ted: You weren't. (takes her hand) Just maybe you weren't supposed to TELL, either.

(Quinn gives him an "Et tu, Ted?" look, then looks down at the table with a sad shrug.)

Quinn: You're probably right. But I don't know WHAT to do now! I mean, she won't even stay in the same room with me long enough for me to SAY anything to her!

Ted: Well … what would you say if you could?

Quinn: Well, I… I mean, I'd… (realises she isn't really sure) Oh, shoot. (She looks pleadingly at Ted, who just watches her, waiting for an answer. And Quinn thinks about it.) Well, I'd tell her I was sorry, I guess. I should have said that before. And … well… (all in one breath) I just want to explain to her that I really DO like her and love her and respect her and whatever else and I'm GLAD she's my sister – even HALF – and I wanted to tell everybody we were HALF-sisters because it was the only way I could let everyone know that we were related without everyone looking at me like I was some mean bad LIAR!

(Quinn catches her breath. Ted smiles at her.)

Ted: Well, I bet she'd like to hear that. *I* would, if I had brothers or sisters.

Quinn: But she won't TALK to me! I go into the same room as her and she LEAVES!

Ted: Well … I'm not very good at these things. I think maybe you need to talk to someone who could talk Daria into hearing you out. Someone she's close to.

(An idea hits Quinn, and she looks sullen and resigned.)

(Scene: the grubby bar. Music: "Taste in Men" – Placebo. Lynn is standing at a pool table; a game is in progress, and she seems to be looking for something to pocket.)

Lynn: I honestly don't see what this has to do with…

(From the shadows behind her, arms clutching a pool cue reach out, drape over her shoulders and pull the cue tight across her neck. Lynn bucks backwards; the back of her head connects with someone's chin and one booted foot stomps down on a shin and foot. Her attacker yells and Lynn grabs the pool cue, wresting it from her assailant and hitting him across the face with the fat end. He drops; Lynn steps forward, breaks the cue over her knee so she's left with two jagged bits, and stands there staring at him.)

Lynn: Mind telling me what THAT was all about?

Rust: (OS; slightly choked) Lesson one – never drop your guard. And you didn't.

Lynn: Can I afford to?

Rust: (OS; still slightly choked) No. (beat) Could you take your boot off my windpipe, please?

(Lynn smirks slightly.)

(Scene: LHS corridor. Quinn is walking down the corridor with Ted. Quinn has a vaguely determined air. Ted looks at her with a raised eyebrow.)

Ted: You look happier today.

Quinn: I'm gonna talk to Daria's OTHER sister. That Lynn girl. SHE'LL be able to get Daria to talk to me, I KNOW it.

(They round a corner and see the gang at Jane's locker. Daria and AP are watching as Jane and Lynn go through lines.)

Jane: (as Nurse, teasing faux whine) Fie, how my bones ache! What a jaunce have I!

Lynn: (as Juliet, grumbling) I wish I had thy bones and I thy news…

(Back to Quinn and Ted. Quinn has lost her resolute air and now looks nervous.)

Quinn: Maybe I should ask someone about her first. (beat) And maybe wait until she's alone. (beat) And maybe borrow some of that armour you're making in Shop. If it wasn't so BULKY.

Ted: (chuckle) You'll be fine. (beat) Oh, I wanted to get to music class a little early today. See you later. Good luck!

(He kisses her on the cheek and walks off. Quinn smiles after him for a minute, then looks back to the gang. The bell rings – Daria, Lynn and AP head off in one direction and Jane heads in Quinn's direction. Quinn tries to stop Jane as she passes.)

Quinn: Um…

Jane: No.

(Jane keeps walking. Quinn follows.)

Quinn: But…

Jane: No.

Quinn: I need to ask…

Jane: Your parents EARNED their three questions – I answered in exchange for my keep.18 YOU, on the other hand…

(Jane breaks into a jog, easily outdistancing Quinn. Quinn looks annoyed.)

(Scene: O'Neill's class. Quinn is in the back row, sitting next to Stacy, who is still in twin braids but now wears a cheerleading uniform, same as Brittany [though with smaller … 'tracts of land', of course].19)

Stacy: Oh, I remember HER! She was a cheerleader for like, a day! Then she just quit!20

Quinn: Just like THAT? Lost all the popularity potential?

Stacy: I think Britt said something about having lost her bouncity-bounce. (beat) I didn't think she ever HAD bouncity-bounce.21

Quinn: Well, she's so much like Daria that I doubt it.

Stacy: Anyway, she's not going to EAT you or anything. (beat) I don't think. (beat; anxious) But you WILL be careful if you talk to her, won't you, Quinn? I've … heard things.22

Quinn: What kind of … no. Never mind.

(Stacy looks taken aback at the thought of Quinn turning down gossip, but before she can say anything…)

O'Neill: (OS) Okay, class; let's begin our discussion on "The Catcher In The Rye"!

(Stacy and Quinn pick up their books with a sigh.)

(Scene: LHS corridor. "Forget the Facts" – Pitchshifter. Lynn is at her locker, books scattered around her feet and a garbage can by her side; she seems to be trying to tidy up. Quinn approaches.)

Quinn: I want to talk to you.

(Lynn doesn't look around – she just starts stacking her books neatly at the bottom of her locker.)

Lynn: Fine, if I don't have to listen.

Quinn: I want to talk to you about Daria.

Lynn: She still pissed off with you? Good.

Quinn: I need to talk to her and she won't stay in the same room as me. I need YOU to tell her to hear me out.

Lynn: (still industriously tidying) Let me think. No.

Quinn: Why NOT? She'll listen to you! And you HAVE to help me; this is YOUR fault anyway!

Lynn: (stops dead) Excuse me?

Quinn: (defiant) Well, it is! I mean, if you hadn't got yourself attacked, Daria wouldn't have found out about being related to you and none of this would be happening!

Lynn: You don't give Daria a lot of credit for intelligence, do you?

Quinn: (carrying on regardless) And even if you DID have to get yourself hurt, if you hadn't woken up, Daria wouldn't have written all those stupid little notes for Dad to find and she could have talked Dad out of believing what I'd said on the phone and… Why didn't you just DIE?

(Quinn stops, horrified at herself when she realises what she's said. Lynn's face is impassive, but for one brief moment, her eyes show hurt and guilt more than she'd like anyone, let alone Quinn, to see. Then she shuts down entirely. Quinn, who's seen Daria do this before, looks scared.)

Lynn: (too calm) Are you done?

Quinn: Look, I…

Lynn: (less calm now) Are … you … done?

Quinn: (meekly) Yes…

Lynn: Then get out of my face.

Quinn: But I…

(Lynn dumps the rest of her books into her locker, shuts it a little harder than necessary and walks away. Quinn watches her, stammering.)

Quinn: But … but I wanted to say I was SORRY! (when she gets no reply) Oh, crap.

END ACT 2 – ADVERTS [Lead in: Daria brushing past Quinn in the Morgendorffer hallway]

Electric Ballroom: You may remember this place from "Rue Britannia". They're now playing an advert that downplays the rock-goth coolness. There will be trendies. God help me.

Next in The Look-Alike Series: the everyone's-gotta-have-one tutoring episode as the gang's expertise gets them another unwanted task in "Teachers' Pests".

(Scene: Lynn's room. Music: "Hate, Kill, Destroy" – Therapy? [from Lynn's stereo; very loud]. Lynn is throwing a switchblade knife at a dartboard hanging on her wardrobe door in a manner reminiscent of Morgan Freeman in "Seven". As she pulls the knife out of the dartboard, AP appears in the window.)

AP: (cheerful) Hey… (*thunk* as knife embeds itself in windowsill. AP looks at it, wide-eyed; weakly) …ho, Purple Peril.

Lynn: Salutations, Maverick. (steps over to window, pulls knife out of sill, steps back.)

AP: (pulling himself into the room – proceeding with caution) It's … been awhile since you used MY nickname, Purple Peril. (*thunk* as knife hits dartboard) I thought you'd given that up.23

Lynn: No, just giving it a rest. (steps to dartboard, pulls knife out of triple-20, steps back) I didn't really want Daria and Jane to think we were some sort of secret society. They might have felt left out. (heaves knife at dartboard; *thunk*; bulls-eye)

AP: Oh. Um. Okay. (surreptitiously turns down the stereo)

Lynn: (steps to dartboard, pulls out knife, steps back) Was there something you wanted?

(She cocks her arm back to throw again and AP grabs her wrist.)

AP: Yeah – for you to stop DOING that. You're making me nervous.

(They look at each other, AP still holding her wrist. Surprisingly, she gives way first, sighing and looking away. He lets go, and Lynn tosses the knife on the bed.)

Lynn: Anything else?

AP: Well, I WAS gonna say we should go through the lines but … you REALLY don't look in the mood. (Lynn sighs and sits on the bed.) So who?

Lynn: Excuse me?

AP: Who were you aiming at? That was a dartboard on the wall but someone you really wanted to off in your mind.

Lynn: (livid) Don't SAY crap like that! You know I wouldn't ever kill anyone!

AP: (stunned) Um … figure of speech, Purple Peril. Of course you wouldn't kill anyone.

Lynn: (sigh) Sorry. I've got a lot on my mind.

(Dead silence. AP looks at her strangely. Lynn ignores him.)

AP: So … who's pissing you off so badly?

Lynn: Me. Now are we going over lines or not?

(She gets up and goes towards her desk, rummaging in a desk drawer for a script. AP watches, confused and not a little worried.)

(Scene: LHS corridor. Music: "Trouble in the Message Centre" – Blur. Quinn is at her locker, looking glum. A hand grabs hold of her by the ear, and she yells.)

Quinn: OW! HEY!

(She gets no response whatever and is dragged out of shot, still yelling.)

(Scene: Daria's locker. Music plays on. Daria and Jane are at Daria's locker. Jane is sketching something. She shows it to Daria. It shows Quinn staked out over an anthill and coated with something that might be honey if the sketch was in colour. Daria raises an eyebrow with a small smirk.)

Jane: So you don't hate her all that much.

Daria: Excuse me?

Jane: I was using that kind of like Rorshack. Your reaction measures how much you actually hate Quinn. (beat) If you'd smirked harder, I'd have said you were probably on the verge of actually doing that to her. If you hadn't smirked at ALL, I'd have said you were completely indifferent to Quinn and that's worse than hating her. If you really didn't CARE about her…

Daria: Jane, I don't want to talk about Quinn. Hell, I don't even want to talk TO Quinn.

(Quinn's indignant screams are heard further down the corridor.)

Jane: Why do I have a feeling you don't have a lot of choice right now?

(Lynn rounds the corner, dragging Quinn by the ear. She nearly tosses Quinn in front of Daria and stands there, her expression indicating that anyone who argues with her is going to get a face full of fist.)

Lynn: This is stupid. You (points to Quinn) talk. You (points to Daria) listen. You (points at Jane) come with me. (She grabs Jane by the wrist and starts to walk away, but turns back to Quinn.) You owe me.

(Exit Lynn and a very stunned Jane. Daria stares at Quinn.)

Daria: What the hell…?

Quinn: Is that … how she HELPS people?

Daria: Depends on whether or not she likes the people she's helping, I suppose. (beat) Now what do you want?

Quinn: (ticking off on her fingers) One: I'm sorry for gossiping about you to Tori. I shouldn't have told anyone – well, maybe Ted, 'cause he's my boyfriend and I trust him, but … anyway. Two: I only told Tori so she could tell the rest of the school about you being my half-sister because I wanted to be able to take back some of the lies I said – about the cousin and the au pair and … stuff… I wanted to admit you're my sister because I like and love and … well, RESPECT you and you ARE a good sister – some of the time. But I didn't want to tell everyone about how I'd lied. It was a really good excuse to say hey, (shrug) I really AM related to her. Just not so much.

Daria: (raised eyebrow) And has the revelation salvaged your popularity, or wrecked it?

Quinn: (sheepish) Turns out no one really cares.

(Daria looks at Quinn long enough to make Quinn look extremely uncomfortable.)

Daria: You made a mistake. Life goes on. Apology accepted. (beat) And thanks. You're not that bad a sister either. Sometimes.

(Daria walks away. Quinn stares after her.)

Quinn: You just … just SAID that? It was THAT easy for you?

Daria: (OS) Think about what ELSE I've had to admit to lately.

Quinn: (extremely sheepish) Oh.

(Scene: Pizza King. Music: "Dog New Tricks" – Garbage. Daria and Lynn are sitting on one side of the booth, Jane and AP on the other. Daria, Jane and AP are staring at Lynn, who is trying to ignore it … and failing.)

Lynn: (looking up from pizza; vast irritation) I am not a zoo exhibit, so stop staring at me.

AP: Sorry, Purple Peril, but that … thing Art-Smart Scarlet just told us about counts as a true Twilight Zone moment.

Jane: I knew you were worried about Daria, but I didn't think you'd DO anything about it.

Daria: (stunned) You were WORRIED about me?

Lynn: (sullen) Way to go, Lane. Tell everyone I have a soul and blow my rep completely.

AP: I mean, Narcissa actually asked you for help. And you GAVE it to her. (beat) I mean, NARCISSA! (beat) I can take you throwing knives at me – sorta – but this…

Jane: She threw KNIVES at you?

AP: Well, A knife, anyway. And I don't think she wanted to hit me or I'd be a chalk outline by now. (beat) I was hanging off the ivy trellis when she…

Jane: WHAT?

Lynn: Well, certainly there's no point in my being here if you're going to talk about me as though I'm not. (gets up)

Daria: Lynn…

Lynn: I'm not offended or anything. Honestly. I just … have someplace to be right now.

(Lynn exits. Daria looks at Jane and AP.)

Daria: Great, guys. Just great.

(Jane and AP look sheepish.)

(Scene: Daria's room. Music plays on. Daria is lying on the carpet, staring at the ceiling. There is a knock at the door.)

Daria: Who knocks without?

Quinn: (OS) Without WHAT?

Daria: (sigh) Never mind. That joke's too old and tired. Come in. (The door opens and Quinn enters, shutting the door behind her. Daria sits up.) What's the situation down there?

Quinn: Mom's not home. Dad's… (sigh)

Daria: Forget I asked.

Quinn: Daria … we're not gonna, like, try to hang out and stuff, are we? Because, like, I know all that stuff I said at school was like, we're sisters and stuff, but … well, your friends make me nervous. (beat) YOU make me nervous.

Daria: As you and your friends do me. (beat) Don't worry about it, Quinn. We move in very different circles and since we're both happy where we are, why change it?

Quinn: But … I…

Daria: Peace in the house is one thing. I think it's good that at least some of the inhabitants of this house are on speaking terms. Friendship outside the house… We're not built that way.

Quinn: (relieved) Thanks, Daria. I don't want to make you mad at me again, but…

(Daria just waves her out. Quinn leaves. Daria sits on the floor a moment, then gets up and goes to the phone. We get a glimpse of the clock on her trundle table – 22:32. She picks up, dials, waits three rings…)

Lynn: (VO from phone; recording) Hello; you have reached Lynn Cullen's private line. I must be able to at least tolerate you...24

Daria: (frustrated sigh) She should be home by now. Where the hell…

Lynn: (VO from phone; recording) …or merciless revenge. Alternately, you can call my mobile phone and be verbally abused all the sooner. The number's…

Daria: (grappling for a pen; stunned) MOBILE PHONE?

(Scene: the bar. Music: "Orestes" – A Perfect Circle. Lynn is standing in front of a dartboard, knife in hand, waiting.)

Rust: (OS) Double fifteen.

(Lynn throws. Knife hits double fifteen. Lynn retrieves the knife, goes back to firing position.)

Rust: (OS) Bulls-eye.

(Lynn throws. Bulls-eye it is. And her pocket starts ringing – well, bleeping "Always Look On the Bright Side of Life", anyway.25
Lynn sighs, pulls a mobile out of her pocket and pushes a button.)

Lynn: Cullen.

Daria: (VO from phone) Hey, Lynn. What are YOU doing with a mobile phone?

Lynn: Well, you never know when these things might come in handy. What can I do you for?

(Split screen between Daria and Lynn.)

Daria: (VO from phone) I just … wanted to say thanks. For making me talk to Quinn.

Lynn: (Mona Lisa smile) No problem. (smile morphs to smirk) Anyway, that means I get to call in favours off Narcissa, should I need to.

Daria: (VO from phone; fond exasperation) Opportunist.

Lynn: (correcting) Pragmatist. (beat) Look, I really have to go. I'm kind of in the middle of something. See you at school.

Daria: (VO from phone) Okay, see you.

(Single screen to Lynn, who has pocketed her phone and is retrieving her knife from the dartboard.)

Rust: (OS) You done? (Lynn raises an eyebrow, retrieves the phone from her pocket, thumbs the 'off' button and puts it back.) Okay, better. Now let's try moving targets.

(Lynn nods and gets into a throwing stance.)



Two main people who earn my deepest, humblest gratitude for the creation of this fic; Chad Page, for striking the spark and Ben Yee, for feeding the fire.


1] Helen's heard mention of Lynn a couple of times. First time, I believe, was "Swear To Be Different". Jake would have mentioned Lynn after "A Meeting of the Brains", but he fainted before he could find out her name. [Back]

2] Daria took off for Lynn's house in "Sister, Sister", mainly because Helen doesn't know where Lynn lives. [Back]

3] Quinn paid a brief visit to the Cullen household while trying to get away from Helen in "How The Other Half Lives". [Back]

4] A few people asked, in commentary regarding "The Lawndale Witch Project", what happened to the play? Well, answer – it hasn't happened yet. School plays take months and so the play itself won't be seen until the finale ep of this season. [Back]

5] You may recall that, in "Sister, Sister", Lynn nearly levels the Cullen house. [Back]

6] Well, apart from "Lane Mis" [and, unseen, in "How The Other Half Lives"], Jane's family haven't been around all that much. [Back]

7] In order of mention: Lynn's mother, father and paternal aunt. [Back]

8] This comes from "Monster". Jane: Can you get rid of the window part and give me something funny to say? And a poodle. I'd really like to be in a scene where I'm walking a poodle. [Back]

9] We are introduced to "Rust" for the first time in "Sister, Sister"; he is given his 'codename' in "An Irony of Errors". Well, like Austin said, we have to call him SOMETHING until I'm ready to give him a face. [Back]

10] This was the final clue that Lynn and Daria were likely related from "Liaisons". [Back]

11] In the framing sequence leading into the fourth chapter of "Growing Cynical" – 'Protest March' – Kate does leave for Tokyo, on a secondment mentioned in "Liaisons". [Back]

12] This note is for the pedants: there is no proof that the Morgendorffers have a spare bedroom. I need them to have a spare room, so they do. It's small and dingy so that Helen wouldn't consider making Daria move into that one instead of the padded cell. [Back]

13] People wanted to know what happened to Ted, Quinn's boyfriend as of "Love Him or Leave Him", because after "How The Other Half Lives", we saw neither hide nor hair of him. Well, there you go. Heeeeeeere's Ted. [Back]

14] Quinn mentions cheeseless pizza on two separate occasions. First in "Monster" ["Um, guy? Would you find out if they have those cheeseless pizzas?"], then in "Pierce Me" ["You know, Dad, you really should get cheeseless pizza anyway, it's much healthier."] I am NOT a sad-case – I know how to use a search function and have all the scripts downloaded. [Back]

15] Back to where we first meet Ted – "The New Kid" [Ted: I hate to say it, but I think I enjoy this processed cheese. What kind of process do they use? Daria: It's a sugarless version of the one for ding-dongs and ho-hos.] [Back]

16] It's mostly 'cousin' – about ten episodes. 'Au pair' comes up in "Pinch Sitter". And 'visiting foreign exchange student' in "Just Add Water". [Back]

17] This happened in "Sister, Sister" and explains why Daria is so pissed off with Quinn. [Back]

18] From "Lane Miserables". Jane: Three questions. No betrayals. Immunity from prosecution. [Back]

19] Long ago, back in "Love Him or Leave Him", Quinn's desertion of the Fashion Club freed Stacy to do the same. In "Mercedes Bends", I mentioned that Stacy joined the cheerleading squad. But she's a conformist at heart – of COURSE she's going to copy Brittany. [Back]

20] Lynn had her own fling with the cheerleaders – however brief – in "Misshapen Identity". [Back]

21] This was the comment made about Jane's blowing of her cheerleading tryouts in "The F Word". I know S4 doesn't exist in my continuum, but the parallels were there and I decided to use them. And since there was some short-lived speculation that "The F Word" would follow the same lines as my own "Swear To Be Different", it's even more fitting that I reference it. [Back]

22] In "The Flack-Jacket Mafia", there were rumours. They hadn't been forgotten by the time "Quinn-tessence" rolled around. And in "To Kill a Misery Chick", they went into overdrive. [Back]

23] True, no? Lynn has not referred to AP as "Psycho-Maverick" or "Maverick" since "And Then There Were Four", and that was on an IRC channel where real names are negligible anyway. But AP uses the code names unless he's really freaked or angry. [Back]

24] We first hear Lynn's answering machine message in "Relation-slips". Well, *I* thought it was funny. [Back]

25] Pavel asked in IRC a few days ago if I could possibly use "Always Look On the Bright Side of Life" [Monty Python, of course] in my next fic. This was the best I could come up with. Live with it. [Back]


Daria Morgendorffer et al are the creations of Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn but are owned by MTV, a Viacom company, copyright 1997, 2000. [Apparently, this is possible by 'work for hire', a concept that eludes me.] Lynn Cullen and AP McIntyre, on the other hand, were created and are owned by me, one Janet 'Canadibrit' Neilson, copyright 1999, 2000. Touch my characters without consulting me and it will go hard with you. This is a "substantially transformative" derivative work, apparently [what a highfalutin way to say fanfic], and is protected by the Supreme Court's decision in re Campbell v. Acuff Rose Music, so keep the copyright notice where it is and don't post it for money. If you do so without my permission and that of MTV Networks, I WILL pull a Lynn Cullen on you. And then I'll call lawyers.

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