(Opening sequence. Music: "You’re Standing On My Neck" by Splendora.1

Daria and Lynn sit side by side in Ms Li’s office, looking warily at each other.

Daria and AP standing outside the Morgendorffer house, kissing. Jake rushes out the front door waving a golf club over his head in a threatening manner.

Daria behind the wheel of Lynn’s car, with AP leaning around behind her to yell at Sandi and Tiffany, who are driving next to them. Flying hair indicates that they are going at speed.

LHS corridor. Quinn walks past Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP wearing an outfit much like one that Daria or Lynn would wear – rose pink cardigan, cream turtleneck, knee-length denim skirt and flats.

LHS corridor. Lynn walks past Daria and Jane wearing something that Quinn would wear – purple T-shirt showing off her midriff, black boot leg jeans, high heels.

Nightclub dance floor. Daria gets shoved to the floor by a sneering burly lout of a guy. Jane and AP, standing behind him, look at each other and then they both hit him.

Hospital corridor. Daria holds her head in her hands – obviously crying. Trent, looking nervous, puts an arm around her.

Nightclub stage. Lynn, looking resigned, slings Trent’s guitar over her shoulder.

Lynn’s room. Daria and Lynn sit side-by-side, staring at the computer screen. They turn to each other at the same time, stricken looks on their faces.

Daria and Lynn side-by-side again, smirking slightly. As the original montage sequence, the camera pulls in and then out again to reveal two interlocking circles; one contains the Daria logo and the other contains a corresponding ‘Lynn’ version. Underneath are the words: "Daria in…"


(A Daria Fan Fiction – Episode 11 of The Look-Alike Series Season 2)

(Montage sequence. Music: "Alice, What’s The Matter" – Terrorvision
Daria’s room. Daria is lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling. Then, suddenly, she sits up with a look that clearly says, "Eureka!" – we see that look in "Arts ‘N Crass. She moves to her computer and begins to type.

Jane’s room. Jane sketching something, looking really absorbed.

Lane basement. Mystik Spiral practising. After a moment, Lynn stops, waves at them to do the same, runs a hand through her hair in a frustrated gesture and then starts screaming at Nick [this is in the montage for a damn good reason – half of what she has to say is censored material]. Max smirks and Lynn turns on him as well. Trent and Jesse raise eyebrows at each other.

Daria’s room. Daria typing. Jake pokes his head round the door, smiling. Daria does not look up, but waves him away. Jake looks a bit hurt but goes. Daria, undistracted, keeps typing.

Jane’s room. Jane carving a mid-sized block of wood into an interesting shape. She looks at it, vaguely unsatisfied.

Lane basement. Lynn stands in front of the group with a pointer in her hand, pointing out chord changes as written on a large pad of paper propped up on an easel beside her. She looks pissed at having to walk them through it. Nick looks equally pissed – it’s obviously for his benefit. Trent gives her a wry grin. Lynn rolls her eyes.

Daria’s room. Daria typing. Phone rings. She does not move to pick it up. It keeps ringing. She turns the music up.

AP’s room. He puts down the phone, chewing his lower lip.

LHS art room. Ms Defoe looks proud and pleased at Jane, who is now stripping a very large log of its bark.

LHS corridor. A flock of students pours out of a classroom. Jane follows after a moment, looking morose and pained. In her hands she clutches a paper. Close-up on it reveals it to be a math test, with a slightly overlarge red F in the top right hand corner. End montage.)

(Scene: Pizza King. Jane sits across from AP in the gang’s normal booth, playing with her pizza more than eating it. AP is eating, but his normally mischievous face shows a flicker of sympathy.)

AP: Ouch.

Jane: No kidding. This does NOT bode well for my C average.2 I just don’t get this trig stuff. And I’ve been working on this art project – guess I got too involved. I’d normally ask Daria for help but…

AP: Where have the Bobbsey Twins been hiding lately, anyway? I mean, outside of school, I haven’t seen them in days!

Jane: Well, I think Lynn’s holed up in the basement with Mystik Spiral, drilling Jesse on A diminished chording. They’ve got a gig at the Zen this weekend.3

AP: And … Erudite Emerald?

Jane: Being held hostage by her muse. (sigh) I sure hope whatever she’s working on is pretty short. If I don’t get a really good grade on the make-up, it’s remedial for me.

AP: Well, *I* could tutor you, if you wanted.

Jane: (dubious) You any good?

AP: Sure! AP stands for Advanced Placement too, you know!

(Jane raises an eyebrow. AP shrugs and grins.)

Jane: Well, I suppose my grade can’t get any worse…

(Scene: Daria’s room. Daria is at her desk, tapping away at her keyboard. The phone begins to ring and it takes her a full seven seconds to notice and pick up.)

Daria: Hello?

AP: (phone VO) It LIVES!

Daria: (sigh; reluctant Mona Lisa smile) Hey, AP.

(Split screen between Daria’s room and the McIntyre living room.)

AP: Hey ho, Erudite Emerald! The muse still got a gun to your head?

Daria: If you mean, am I still writing, then yes.

AP: (disappointed) Ah. (beat; hopeful) Well, care to take a break? Your presence is requested at the Zen tonight. Purple Peril’s got a smoking set planned!

Daria: No, thanks. I want to get this idea set in type before it gets away.

AP: (disheartened) Oh … okay. But it’s not going to be the same without you.

Daria: Another time, okay?

AP: (mutter) Like I haven’t heard THAT before…

Daria: Excuse me?

AP: (sigh) Nothing. Catch you later, Erudite Emerald.

(AP hangs up a little abruptly. Daria looks at the phone in bemusement for a moment, then hangs up and goes back to her typing.)

(Scene: Lawndale street. Music: "We’re In This Together" – Nine Inch Nails. Daria and Jane walking to school. Jane looks annoyed at her friend, who is ignoring her in favour of a large stack of papers.)

Jane: So I did mention that I flunked my last math test, right?

Daria: Mmm.

Jane: (dry) So nice to see you concerned. (beat) But don’t worry – I found myself a tutor.

Daria: Mmm.

Jane: You missed a great night at the Zen Saturday. Lynn went into Symposium mode and got crowd-surfed clear across the dance floor.

Daria: Mmm.

Jane: AP was pretty down. He hasn’t seen you in awhile and I think it’s getting to him.

Daria: Oh, hell…

Jane: (relieved) FINALLY…

Daria: …I’m going to have to rewrite this whole three pages.

(Jane sighs and gives up, walking in silence alongside her uncommunicative friend.)

(Scene: LHS cafeteria. Music plays on. AP and Jane are sitting side by side, watching Daria as she pores over her papers, occasionally crossing things out or making notes in the margins. Lynn walks over with a tray of food and sits next to Daria, wincing as she does.)

Lynn: Someone tell me why I thought crowd-surfing was a good idea. Even my bruises have bruises.

AP: (grin) Oh, come off it, Purple Peril; you loved every minute of it!

Lynn: (sigh; conceding) Maybe so, but now I’m paying for it a hundred fold. (beat; to Daria) So where were you, Daria?

Daria: (miles away) Mmm.

Lynn: (nod) Oh. Right. Never mind.

(Jane and AP look at her curiously)

Jane: And this doesn’t phase you at all.

Lynn: Been there, done that. Her muse has got her in its thrall. Nothing short of the story’s end, cataclysmic writer’s block or a nuclear warhead will shake her from this now. It’s a writer thing. (to AP) You remember.

AP: (thinks) Oh, yeah, like the writing comp.4 Or that time you were working on Sunset Blade.

Lynn: (to Jane; explanatory) This idea got me and wouldn’t let go. First I inveigled AP to challenge me to a sword fight in Oakwood Heights mall – we were banned for life; no great loss. With that information, I started to write. I stayed awake for three straight days and didn’t say a word to anyone the whole time.

AP: (concluding) Then she came to my house jittering with caffeine overdose, handed me what she’d written, took two of my mother’s Valium, passed out and wouldn’t wake up for … (calculation) 32 hours.5

Jane: (raised eyebrow) And your mother didn’t notice this because…

Lynn: In London on business that week.

Jane: (shrug) Should have guessed. (beat) How’d the story come out?

AP: It was pretty damn cool!

Lynn: (modest shrug) For a short story written by a twelve-year-old.

(Jane looks at Lynn strangely for a moment. Lynn meets the look unflinchingly. Then an idea occurs to Jane and she looks at Daria.)

Jane: Daria? (beat; no reply) Daria. (beat; still no reply) DARIA!

Daria: (slight startle) What?

Jane: What’re you writing?

Daria: Novel.

(Daria goes back to her papers without another word. Jane, Lynn and AP share a ‘look’)

END ACT 1 – ADVERTS [Lead-in: Daria sitting up with that "Eureka" look]

Dulux: It’s this paint that apparently covers up anything with just one coat. Advert features a couple who bought an ex-brothel to live in, paint over the obscene artwork on the walls and then invite their parents over to tea and realise they forgot the area behind one door… now THIS one I like.

Bassett’s: A candy company. If I see one more offshoot of the "Candyland" theme to sell kids sweets, I think I may just go nuts. Short trip, though…


(Scene: Jane’s room. Jane and AP are hunched over a textbook.)

AP: So that’s how that’s done. Pretty simple, really.

Jane: (raised eyebrow) He says from the depths of his geeky, number-cruncher’s mind. (beat) Thanks for the tips, though. This’ll get me at least a B on the make-up.

AP: Hey, no problem, Art-Smart Scarlet! (beat; dejected) I mean, it’s not like you’re cutting into any quality date time or anything.

Jane: (bracing) Don’t worry. Daria’s muse will desert her in a few days, guaranteed.

AP: (hopeful) You think?

Jane: (wise) I KNOW. Take it from an artist who’s been there. Muses and flashes of inspiration are VERY fickle. Believe me; before too long, Daria will hit the block to end all blocks. She’ll be so desperate to get away from the accusing stare of the blank page that you’ll get sick of seeing her.

AP: Well…

(Lynn pops her head into the room and knocks on the doorframe.)

Lynn: Room for one more outcast?

AP: Always, Purple Peril! But … why aren’t you and the rest of Neo-Grunge Earache peeling paint off the basement walls?

Lynn: (dry) It is to laugh. (beat) The whole band has gone into one of its periodic catatonic states. I don’t expect them to be useful for anything but doorstops for the next few days.

Jane: Lynn, back me up here; Daria’s little muse attack won’t last too long, right?

Lynn: No way. Longest muse attack I ever had was four days. (beat) Except for that ONE time…

AP: What? (remembers; winces) Oh, THAT. That wasn’t an attack, Purple Peril; that was a damn siege.

Jane: (bemused) Whoa whoa whoa. Explain.

Lynn: When I started my first novel, the initial flash of inspiration lasted three weeks, with fallout spanning the next two months or so.

AP: (snide) When she spoke, it was about the novel. When she read, it was drafts of the novel. When she left the house, it was to people-watch for characters for the novel. For two weeks, the only thing I heard her say was "Mmm". (to Lynn) I wanted to shove the fourth draft down your throat, Purple Peril.

Jane: (morbid) So in other words, you acted just like Daria’s acting now.

AP: No way; Erudite Emerald’s MUCH worse. I… (it hits him) Oh.

(Uncomfortable silence)

Jane: Well, at least Lynn’s got a few days off.

AP: (morose) Cold comfort, Art-Smart Scarlet.

Lynn: (sarcastic) Gee, thanks. (beat) I know what’ll cheer you up. Movie of the week at the dollar theatre is "The House on Haunted Hill". Let’s all go watch some gratuitous special effects and then eat pizza until we feel like barfing.

AP: (grin) You always know JUST what to say, Purple Peril!

(Scene: Pizza King. Music: "Open Up For Your Demon" – Me Mom & Morgentaler. Jane is staring at AP’s pizza in something like horror.)

Jane: Gee, Lynn, I didn’t think you meant the ‘feel like barfing’ thing LITERALLY…

Lynn: Hey, I’m hardened to this by now.

AP: What’s so barf-making about this, I’d like to know?

Jane: Tuna, onions, capers, artichoke hearts, cayenne peppers and … is that SHRIMP?

AP: Hey, I like seafood! (beat) Oh, and extra garlic!

(Jane makes a face. Lynn shrugs.)

(Scene: Daria’s room. Music plays on. Daria is typing rapidly … and then suddenly stops. She stares at the computer. She stares at the keyboard. Then she groans, presses her hands to the base of her spine and stretches backwards with a series of wince-making crackles and crunches. Then she looks at the phone, picks it up and dials. A familiar voice sounds in her ear after two rings.)

AP: (tape) Hey ho, caller! This is AP and you’ve reached my secret lab. I’m busy right now – it’d be dangerous for you to know what I’m up to – so leave a message and I’ll get back to you if I survive this latest experiment. *beep*

(Daria hangs up, dials again. After three rings, she hears the following.)

Lynn: (tape) Hello; you have reached Lynn Cullen’s private line. I must at least be able to tolerate you if I gave you this number so if you leave a message I’ll probably get back to you … unless you’ve done something horribly, horribly wrong. Wait three days and you’ll get a return call or merciless revenge. Thank you. *beep*

(Daria raises an eyebrow, hangs up, and looks at the phone for a moment.)

Daria: Probably at Jane’s.

(She picks up and dials a third time.)

(Scene: Trent’s room. The duck-phone is quacking, but Trent, sprawled facedown on his bed as in "Arts and Crass", does not stir.)

(Scene: Jane’s room. It is empty. A half-finished painting is on an easel in the corner, and a textbook and 3-ring binder lie open on her bed.)

(Scene: Daria’s room. She hangs up the phone in irritation.)

Daria: Where IS everybody?

(Her brow furrows for a moment, and then she gets a look of realisation on her face.)

(Scene: Pizza King. Music plays on. AP looks slightly sick. Jane and Lynn are smirking at him.)

AP: Ooh … maybe eating two of those pizzas wasn’t such a good idea after all…
To me, eating even ONE of those pizzas isn’t such a good idea.
Oh, come on, like ham and pineapple is any better.

Jane: Hey, the Hawaiian pizza is an institution! That … THING you just ate two of is … is … well, gross!

AP: Hey, don’t knock it till you’ve tried it!

Jane: The smell alone nearly knocked me over!

Lynn: Guys … you do realise that only people in the ‘old married couple’ stage of dating argue over pizza toppings this way.

(Jane and AP look at each other, then look at Lynn. Then, in unison, they pick up a few stray crusts and throw them at her. Lynn uses a pizza plate as a shield and starts throwing them back. All three are at least chuckling. Pan back to watch Daria watching her friends, a sad, left-out look on her face. She sighs, slumps her shoulders and walks away without them noticing her presence.)

(Scene: LHS corridor. Jane, AP and Lynn are converged around Lynn’s locker when Daria approaches hesitantly. AP, for some reason, looks groggy and worn. Lynn is struggling to open her thermos.)

AP: Eick.

Jane: So weird pizza toppings really DO give you nightmares. Go figure.

Lynn: (to thermos) Listen, I don’t like you, and you don’t like me. But just let me get you open so we can get at the coffee and FORGET this unpleasant episode.

Daria: Um … hey.

Jane: Yo.

AP: Meef.

Lynn: (to thermos) I’ll break out the sledgehammer. (the thermos opens easily) Thank you. (to Daria) Hi, Daria. How goes the pursuit of the perfect story?

Daria: Um … not bad. I…

AP: (groggy) Is there coffee? PLEASE let there be coffee.

Lynn: I warn you now. It’s that Turkish stuff so I wouldn’t take more than a gulp if I were you.6

(She pours coffee into the cup lid and hands it to AP. He ignores it and grabs for the thermos itself, taking a long drink. He then shudders and clutches his stomach.)

AP: Ow, that burns…

Lynn: It goes down a bit harsh, but at least you’ll be awake. For the next few days, given how much of it you drank – I TOLD you…

Jane: Can you described the green monster with all the eyes again? I really want to paint that.

Daria: (sigh) Never mind.

(Daria walks off sadly while the three are occupied. Then Jane turns around.)

Jane: So how WAS the writing… (puzzled) Daria?

Lynn: She was there a minute ago. (to AP) Did you see which way she went?

AP: (queasy) Hng…

(Scene: Lane house exterior. Music: "The Chemicals Between Us" – Bush. Daria rings the doorbell. She waits. There is no answer. She thinks about it a moment, then tries the doorknob. No dice. Daria thinks about this for a moment longer, then rings the bell again. After a long moment, when Daria is just about to turn away, the door opens and Trent’s sleep-tousled head pokes out.)

Trent: Hey, Daria.

Daria: Hey, Trent. (beat) Um … is Jane around?

Trent: Uh … no. She and Lynn and the … AP … stayed after school to help her with an art project. (beat) You can come in and wait, if you want.

Daria: Um … okay.

(Scene: Lane living room. Music plays on. Daria and Trent are sitting on opposite ends of the sofa, looking distinctly uncomfortable.)

Daria: (thought VO) I can’t still feel like this. I mean, I have a boyfriend and that’s it.

Trent: (thought VO) Gotta say something, man. It’ll be fine. She just … has that red-headed little punk as a boyfriend now. And you’ve screwed up so badly she’ll never want to go out with you.7 NO problem.

Daria: (thought VO) I mean, I like AP and everything. We’re getting along … well, maybe we’re NOT getting along as such but… Trent isn’t my type, I DECIDED that…8 Oh hell.

Trent: (thought VO) This is getting REALLY uncomfortable – I guess she’s waiting for me to say something. Come ON, Trent, get with it!

Daria: Could I get a…

Trent: (at the same time) Did you want a…

(They look at each other sheepishly and chuckle a little.)

Trent: Sorry. You go on.

Daria: I just … wondered if I could get a soda.

Trent: Yeah, sure; stay put.

Daria: No, it’s okay, I know where…

Trent: You’re a guest, Daria, I…

(They get up at the same time and bash into each other. Trent grabs Daria’s arms to keep her from falling.)

Trent: Sorry, Daria. You okay?

Daria: Yeah. Thanks for catching me.

(They stand like that for a moment, just looking at each other. The sparks that all Shippers see fly for a moment. And then a door slams and, before Trent can even think of letting go, Jane, Lynn and AP struggle into the room under a weight of elaborate silver-sprayed wooden sculpture. The new arrivals catch sight of Daria and Trent, and all five of them are frozen in tableau for a moment. Then AP drops his end of the sculpture – it lands on Lynn’s foot, and she screams – and runs out of the house. There is another moment’s pause as Daria disengages from Trent. Then Lynn glares at the both of them and gestures towards the door. Daria moves to follow AP out, but is blocked at the door by Lynn’s outstretched arm.)

Lynn: (quiet, serious, deadly) If you hurt him more than necessary, I will make your life hell.

(Daria stares at Lynn with remorse and fear evident on her face. Lynn lowers her arm, and Daria exits hurriedly. Then Lynn joins Jane in staring at Trent for a tense moment.)

Trent: Um … it wasn’t what it looked like?


Jane: You pick NOW to make a decent move?

Lynn: I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. You are SUCH a twit.9

(The two girls exit, leaving the sculpture where it lies. Trent sighs remorsefully, but his face shows slight hope.)

END ACT 2 – ADVERTS [Lead-in: Jane, Lynn and AP, bearing sculpture and staring at Daria and Trent.]

Burger King: They have jumped on the Pokemon bandwagon. Nuff said.

‘Runaway Bride’: It got no attention when it was on in the cinema. Now it’s out on video and it’s everyone’s last chance to overhype Richard Gere and Julia Roberts. Oh boo-freaking-hoo.


(Scene: AP’s room. Music: "Everything’s F***ed" – Pitchshifter [sorry, but that’s what it’s called – talk to JS Clayden if you don’t like it]. It is, for all appearances, empty. Daria enters, pauses, then moves to the closet door and hammers on it.)

AP: (OS) Not hungry.

Daria: Good. You shouldn’t talk with your mouth full anyway.

AP: (OS) What’s to say? You painted a picture worth three thousand words back there.

Daria: Look… Will you come out of there? I don’t like talking to inanimate objects.

AP: (OS) Ponytail Barbie and Lobotomy Ken have got a few words out of you.10

Daria: I didn’t say I COULDN’T – just that I didn’t LIKE to.

(The door opens and AP pokes his head out.)

AP: (slightly sad) You still like him, don’t you. After everything, you STILL like him.

Daria: Yes and no. He has some bad traits, but he has some good ones too. I’d liked him for years before I even MET you, AP. I made a rational decision to let it go but… (sigh) Oh, you wouldn’t understand.

AP: (slowly) How … sometimes … you care too much to let go of someone? (beat) You might be surprised.

Daria: (casual, not believing him) So you have an unrequited admiration for someone else too, is that it?

AP: (painful) Like I said … you’d be surprised.

(Daria looks at him closely for a moment, then realisation crosses her face.)

Daria: Not…

(AP nods slowly.)

(Scene: Jane’s room. Music plays on. Lynn is in the ‘something eating at my soul’ pose. Jane is trying to paint but keeps looking at Lynn, as if her very thoughts are audible and distracting.)

Jane: You were really angry back there.

Lynn: I know.

Jane: Gonna tell me why?

Lynn: No.

Jane: Okay … eat your own liver in peace, then.

Lynn: Got any fava beans?11 (weak smirk)

Jane: Ouch. Bad joke. (Tense silence) So … you and AP must be pretty close for you to get that mad.

Lynn: You could say that. We have … a lot of history.

Jane: You mean like sword fights and floor hockey?12

Lynn: That too. He was great company when Mom started travelling full time … and when Dad stopped writing. AP kept me busy enough not to think about … well, my family.

Jane: So … you owe it to him to be protective?

Lynn: You could say that. He kept me from … doing an ill-advised thing once. Anyway, of course I’m protective. He’s my best friend.

Jane: (shrewd) JUST a friend?

Lynn: Just my BEST friend. And the only person who’s been there for me for any long span of time. When there’s that kind of weight on a friendship, it’s easy to delude yourself into reading more into what you feel than you should.

Jane: But … correct me if I’m wrong here, but you guys went out.

Lynn: It was a hoax. Mom told me to ‘stop hanging around with that red-headed freak and do something normal’. I was thirteen and starting to date at that point seemed kind of normal, so I claimed we were dating. AP went along with it – mainly, I think, because pissing off my mother was one of his favourite hobbies at one stage. But he liked his computer more than he ever liked me.

Jane: But you might…

Lynn: There is no ‘might’. He’s my best friend and, if I have anything to do with it, he’ll STAY my best friend. And I don’t want to see him hurt. End of statement.

(Tense silence again. Jane stares at Lynn, who looks back with a walled-off expression.)

Jane: Ooo-kay…

Lynn: I’m gonna take off. There’s an unfinished English essay kind of nagging at my nearly-non-existent conscience.

Jane: (raised eyebrow; stifled disbelief) Right. See ya.

(Lynn exits. Jane thinks a moment, then starts sketching.)

Jane: (thought VO) Cleopatra Lynn – Queen of Denial.

(Scene: AP’s room. Music plays on. Daria and AP are sitting cross-legged on the floor, facing each other.)

Daria: So you’ve liked Lynn almost since you met her.

AP: Yep.

Daria: But she never gave you any encouraging signs.

AP: Nope.

Daria: Not even when she told you that you had to start dating.

AP: PRETENDING to date. It hit too close to home. I got into computers as completely as I did because it was the only way to hide the fact that I wasn’t pretending.

Daria: Then she moved and you could relax.

AP: But I missed her and the whole thing sucked.

Daria: Then YOU moved … but you decided to go out with ME instead of trying to ask HER.

AP: She’d made her feelings clear. And you … well … (sigh) DAMN, I wish I had better words. I like you, anyway.

Daria: But you never let her go.

AP: Just like you never let Trent go.

Daria: Touché. (beat) So if we break up over this…

AP: I … couldn’t. (beat) She likes me as a friend and partner in crime, and that’s it. I’d lose her if I made a move.

Daria: (sympathetic) The risk is there, yes.

AP: (slightly bitter) Anyway – and maybe I’m just paranoid, but – I think she and Trent are on the verge of a thing. I don’t want to mess that up if it’s what she wants.

Daria: (sigh; mild disappointment) I don’t think you’re being paranoid. And you’re probably right.

AP: I’d rather keep her just as a friend than lose her for good. (beat) So … where do we go from here?

Daria: Well … we have two choices as things stand. One: we break up, maintain a friendship, and spend an indeterminate amount of time pining, Shakespeare style, over people we can’t have. Two: we maintain the status quo, try to talk to each other a bit more, and take things as they come. Maybe we aren’t going to spend the rest of our lives together, but we’re just in high school. I guess it depends on whether you think we can get past the unresolved … issues involved.

AP: Well, I’ve been dealing. (beat) You?

Daria: I can. Someone once told me that, when you’re seventeen, liking two people is no big deal.13 (beat; hesitant) So … is this us taking option two?

(For a reply, AP simply holds out his hand. After a brief pause, Daria takes it.)

(Scene: Daria’s room. Music: "Last Dance With Mary Jane" – Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. Daria sits on the bed looking at Jane, who sits cross-legged on the rug on the floor. They both appear tense to be around each other again.)

Jane: So how’d it go? Was there much wailing and gnashing of teeth? (thought VO) If there wasn’t, then Lynn may have a chance.

Daria: (shrug) We decided it wasn’t a big deal. I mean, crushes happen. It’s awfully soon to be a hundred percent sure. We’re carrying on as normal and seeing what happens.

Jane: But … but what about yesterday?

Daria: Excuse me?

Jane: Come ON, Daria! You … Trent … in each other’s arms … sparks flying…

Daria: (mildly angry) Even if Trent would have me on the rebound that way, Jane, it would be totally tactless to jump into a relationship after breaking up the old one. And anyway, I told you, Trent’s not really my type.

Jane: (exasperated) That’s bull, Daria! I saw you that day! Are you going to pretend that you have no emotions forever?

(Cold silence)

Daria: That’s not fair, Jane. What gives you the right to say that?

Jane: Years of observation, that’s what! Every chance you’ve had with Trent, you’ve let go! I’ve tried and tried…

Daria: (angry) Did I ever ASK you to? I don’t need you to interfere in my life, Jane! God, I’ve asked you to drop it more times than I can count – you KNOW how I feel about your yenta crap but you just won’t give up! What kind of friend are you?

Jane: (taken aback) A damn good one, actually!

Daria: Oh, yeah. The yenta act. The activities you’ve dragged me into. The guys you’ve ditched me for.14 Some friend.

Jane: And you’re any better? Making me beg every time I needed your help if it went against your precious principles? Getting jealous and possessive whenever I even LOOKED at a guy? Just ignoring me for most of last week without so much as an apology?

Daria: So if I’m such a bad friend, what are you doing here?

(Jane stares at Daria in disbelief. Daria’s face is hard and unreadable. Jane looks hurt for a split-second, then becomes enraged. She gets up and slams out without a word. For a moment, Daria doesn’t move. Then she closes her eyes and appears to fight back tears. Then she gets up, goes to her shelf, picks up the wedge of cheese model and hurls it at a padded wall.15)

(Scene: Morgendorffer house, exterior. Music plays on. Jane slams out the front door, storms down the walk, then stops and looks at Daria’s window. She blinks back tears, sets her angry expression and walks away.)

END (for now)


And yet another fic goes out to Diane Long – well, it kind of has to. It’s the only way I can apologise to her for the drastic change in tone this fic took since she betaed. Sorry, Lady Smoochy Jane, Queen of the Shippers – it just didn’t work for me the other way.


1) If you’ve read the other fics, you know about the teasers. If not … what are you waiting for, a royal proclamation?

2) We hear all about Jane’s C math average in "See Jane Run". If "Jane’s Addition" is anything to go by, you can assume that she gets Cs across the board.

3) Lynn joins Mystik Spiral properly in "Misshapen Identity" following the events of "Blind Audition".

4) See Daria and Lynn head to head in "A Hard Day’s Write".

5) AP and Lynn have known each other for a long time – and I am in the process of writing "The Oakwood Years", in case anyone cares. And AP’s mother and her Valium ‘thing’ are discussed several times, starting in "World Geek Show".

6) Lynn produces lethal Turkish coffee, as we see in "World Geek Show" and "A Hard Day’s Write". She tries it with espresso in "How The Other Half Lives" and … well, it wasn’t pretty.

7) Trent would be talking about the events of "Kiss and Tell" and "Rue Britannia", particularly that latter and its relationship to the events of "Miss Conception".

8) Daria did indeed make this decision in "Love Him or Leave Him".

9) She does indeed call him this in "Kiss and Tell".

10) Ponytail Barbie and Lobotomy Ken would be Brittany and Kevin, as AP mentions in "And Then There Were Four".

11) Reference to "The Silence of the Lambs". "I ate his liver with some fava beans…" Don’t shoot me if I didn’t quite get that quote – I read it off a bus advert.

12) The floor hockey reference is from "A Hard Day’s Write".

13) These words of wisdom courtesy of Lynn Cullen in "Kiss and Tell".

14) They are both talking about the events of "Arts ‘n Crass", "See Jane Run" and "Jane’s Addition". Different perspectives, don’t ya know.

15) The wedge of cheese model "worshipped by household mice" is seen in the map of Daria’s room in "The Daria Diaries". (This ref was brought to you by Austin’s nit-picking…)


Daria and related characters owned by MTV, a Viacom company (created by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn). Lynn Cullen and AP McIntyre were created and are owned by Janet "Canadibrit" Neilson, copyright 1999, 2000. I’ve credited Monty Python in the endnotes and given all song titles with the names of the bands that played them. Don’t sue me – it’s not worth it. Feel free to archive this fic (tell me where it is, though, please) but if you want to use my characters, ask first or I WILL pull a Lynn Cullen on you. And then I’ll call lawyers.