(Opening sequence. Music: "You’re Standing On My Neck" by Splendora.1

Daria and Lynn sit side by side in Ms Li’s office, looking warily at each other.

Daria and AP standing outside the Morgendorffer house, kissing. Jake rushes out the front door waving a golf club over his head in a threatening manner.

Daria behind the wheel of Lynn’s car, with AP leaning around behind her to yell at Sandi and Tiffany, who are driving next to them. Flying hair indicates that they are going at speed.

LHS corridor. Quinn walks past Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP wearing an outfit much like one that Daria or Lynn would wear – rose pink cardigan, cream turtleneck, knee-length denim skirt and flats.

LHS corridor. Lynn walks past Daria and Jane wearing something that Quinn would wear – purple T-shirt showing off her midriff, black boot leg jeans, high heels.

Nightclub dance floor. Daria gets shoved to the floor by a sneering burly lout of a guy. Jane and AP, standing behind him, look at each other and then they both hit him.

Hospital corridor. Daria holds her head in her hands – obviously crying. Trent, looking nervous, puts an arm around her.

Nightclub stage. Lynn, looking resigned, slings Trent’s guitar over her shoulder.

Lynn’s room. Daria and Lynn sit side-by-side, staring at the computer screen. They turn to each other at the same time, stricken looks on their faces.

Daria and Lynn side-by-side again, smirking slightly. As the original montage sequence, the camera pulls in and then out again to reveal two interlocking circles; one contains the Daria logo and the other contains a corresponding ‘Lynn’ version. Underneath are the words: "Daria in…"


(A Daria Fan Fiction – Episode 10 of The Look-Alike Series Season 2)

(Scene: the Zen. Daria and Jane are making their way backstage. As they do, they hear the following.)

Lynn: (OS) Max, are you out of your freaking MIND? I am not WEARING that!

Max: (OS) Oh, come on, Lynn! You’d look like a real criminale! What about stage presence? What about teasing the audience? What about showing off your tattoo?2

Lynn: (OS) What about radical nasal surgery with a stiletto heel?

Trent: (OS) Hey, you guys, cool it. Lynn doesn’t have to wear anything she doesn’t want to. (beat) But it WOULD look hot.

Jane: Isn’t that CUTE? He’s coming to her defence.

Daria: Have I told you lately that I hate you?

(They reach the backstage area in time to see Lynn sticking a strappy stiletto heeled shoe into a large shopping bag.)

Jane: Ooh! Interesting! What else is in there?

Lynn: (grabbing bag closed) Nothing for your eyes.

Jane: Spoilsport.

Daria: When are you guys on?

Trent: We’ve gotta wait for Merlin’s Terriers to show. They’re opening.

Daria: (thought VO) I’ve heard better band names from the freaks on Internet message boards.3

Lynn: I’ve heard better band names from the freaks on Internet message boards. (Daria looks at her) But at least we’re not openers anymore.

Daria: (sarcasm) Oh yeah. You guys have hit the big time now.

(Scene: The Zen. Daria and Jane are standing on the edge of a mosh pit, watching people thrash around to a much-distorted version of Terrorvision’s "Discotheque Wreck" – the bass feed is up way too high and we can’t hear the lyrics at all. AP wanders over and looks at Daria dubiously, then walks over.)

AP: Um … hey, Erudite Emerald.

Daria: Um … hey.

AP: Look, are we, I don’t know, still going? ‘Cause you never said, but the last time I got that look you gave me Monday I didn’t get spoken to for two weeks.4

Daria: I … guess we’re still going.

AP: (dubious) Great. Thanks for letting me know.

(Daria raises an eyebrow but says nothing. AP steps between her and Jane and nearly makes a move to put an arm around her but checks it nervously.)

Jane: Well, looks like Merlin’s Terriers are a hit.

Daria: Despite the fact that they sound like someone replaced their guitar strings with wet noodles.

AP: Oh, that’s just the sound geek. (looks over his shoulder to where a very bombed young man with scraggly brown hair and a bad complexion is munching on a bagel and doing something on the sound boards)

Daria: Um … I guess monkeys save on wages.

AP: Here's the damn monkey. He likes pumpernickel. I'm going to go get a mocha. (Daria and Jane look at him) What?5

(And a large burly lout shoves his way past Jane and AP trying to get into the mosh pit. He sees Daria standing in his way, then shoves her to the floor.)

Daria: OW!

(Jane and AP look at each other for a moment. Then they make double fists [left hand clutching right] and they both hit the lout – Jane connects with the back of his head and AP gets him in the small of the back. He screams and goes down, and Jane and AP head over to Daria, Jane carefully stepping on the lout’s wrist with her big boots as she goes.)

Jane: You okay, Daria?

Daria: I can’t find my glasses.

(Jane and AP look forward, where they can just see Daria’s glasses on the edge of the mosh pit. Then someone kicks them and they skitter into the pit itself.)

AP: Um…

Jane: (no point telling her) We don’t see them either. They must have gone into the pit.

Daria: (sigh) Perfect.

(Scene: a table in the Zen. Music: "Bored" – Deftones. Daria, Jane and AP are sitting there. Daria looks miserable.)

Daria: Well, so much for seeing the rest of the week out at Lynn’s. I’m going to have to go home and con money for new glasses out of Mom.6

AP: Maybe they didn’t get crushed.

Jane: (sarcasm) Yeah, maybe they just got kicked around a little by big boots and we’ll find them at the foot of the stage, completely intact.

(Enter Lynn, Trent, Jesse, Nick and Max. Lynn holds out a hand containing the mangled remains of Daria’s glasses.)

Lynn: Lose something?

Trent: We found ‘em at the foot of the stage.

Daria: (mock jovial) See? We were ALL right.

Jesse: Bummer. (beat) Drinks?

Lynn: Let’s not get into trouble with management. Make mine a Coke … with a twist of lemming, please.7

(Dead silence.)

Jesse: What?

Lynn: Oh, never mind.

Nick: Anyone else? (general negative noises. Jesse, Nick and Max take off.)

Lynn: Hey, want to see if you can use mine? (takes off glasses, holds them out)

Daria: (taking them dubiously) We CAN’T have the same prescription. (puts them on; blinks) I stand corrected.

Lynn: You can hang onto them for the rest of the night, at least.

Daria: Won’t you need them?

Lynn: I don’t wear them on stage anyway. I can’t see a thing WITH them up there because of the stage lights. I wear these. (pulls out prescription sunglasses, puts them on.) See? Though blind, I still can see – at least under heavy stage lighting.

AP: Oh, that reminds me, did you see the sound geek?

Lynn: Do not talk to me about the sound geek. (sigh) What circus did they get him from, anyway? (idea) Hey Trent, can I talk to you?

(Lynn hauls Trent out of shot. Max follows. Daria, Jane and AP look after them.)

AP: (grim) Five … four … three … two … one…

Trent: (OS; vicious and loud) I AM *NOT* LETTING THAT *PUNK* DO OUR SOUND GEEKING!

(Daria, Jane and AP wince slightly.)

AP: We have paranoia.

(Scene: the Zen stage. The band are doing a rendition of "All I Want" by the Offspring. Trent stares out at the crowd with an angry grudging respect. Cut to Daria, Jane and AP, who are standing behind the sound board. AP is sound geeking.)

Daria: You have to respect someone with that kind of manipulative talent.

Jane: Or at least someone who looks good in a leather bra. (holds up the shopping bag) I couldn’t resist a peek.

AP: That’s just sick.

(Daria looks at the stage, where Lynn and Trent are singing the final chorus in harmony, with a complicated look on her face – confusion, sadness, jealousy.)

Lynn: (OS; singing) Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah! (end song)

(Scene: Morgendorffer kitchen. Daria staggers into the room in normal nightwear and no glasses and nearly falls over in shock when she sees Helen in jeans and a T-shirt sitting at the table, calmly eating breakfast.)

Daria: Damn. My vision is worse than I thought.

Helen: Well, good morning, Daria!

Daria: Um … what are you doing here?

Helen: Well, when you came home last night and told me you needed new glasses, I got on the phone to Eric and arranged to take today off so I could go with you. We’ll make a day of it!

Daria: Last night? But I got in at … never mind. (beat) You took the day off? The WHOLE day? Why?

Helen: Can’t a mother show an interest in her eldest daughter’s… (stops at the expression on Daria’s face) Oh, all RIGHT, I thought it would be a good excuse for us to have a bit of a talk about last weekend.

Daria: And if I refuse to go?

Helen: You get your glasses on your own … with your own money.

Daria: Blackmail.

Helen: Incentive.

(Daria sighs.)

END ACT 1 – ADVERTS [Lead-in: The lout shoving Daria, then Jane and AP hitting him.]

B&Q: A hardware/DIY shop. Neil Morrisey runs around the store in a laddish way shouting "Unbelievable!" about the prices and ends up riding on a shopping trolley. I wonder if he’s as much of a moronic lad as he’s typecast to be.

Go Fish: An Internet search engine/directory services thing. I just want to know at what point businesses fell in love with the three-second-memory-span fish.


(Scene: Lane front door. Jane opens it and blinks sleepily at Lynn.)

Jane: Huh?

Lynn: Rehearsal.

Jane: Nuh-uh. Once they got to the basement, it was naptime for the Spiral.

Lynn: (raised eyebrow) Slacking again, huh?

(Lynn brushes past Jane. After a moment, Jane shuts the door and stands by it for a moment. Heavy boots are heard thumping down the basement stairs and then there is a moment’s silence … followed by the hum of an amp turned on extremely loud. Jane covers her ears.)

(Scene: Casa Lane, exterior. A guitar is heard doing a ‘dive-bomb’ effect [probably nearly blowing the roof off the house] and then hammering out Nirvana’s "Breed". Just over it we can hear the indignant, pained screams of four Mystik Spiral members.)

(Scene: the RxPlex, exterior. The SUV pulls up in the front.)

Daria: (OS) Glasses in an hour?

Helen: (OS) Well, if you refuse to wear your contacts for long periods…

Daria: (OS) I told you; they burn my eyes!8

(Scene: one of those glasses-in-an-hour places. Daria is browsing through the frame selection. Helen is watching her hopefully.)

Helen: (picking up a pair of narrow wire-rims) What about these ones? (Daria glares and keeps looking.) Or these? (oval clear green frames. Daria glares and keeps looking.) Or what about these ones? (cat’s eye black frames)

Daria: Looks like something out of Grease.

Helen: Daria, what ARE you looking for?

Daria: Frames like my old ones.

Helen: DARIA … it’s so like you not to take the opportunity to expand your horizons a little. I mean, wouldn’t it be … wouldn’t it be FUN to try a new look?

Daria: I don’t like fun.

Helen: (sigh) Daria, if you could just stop being so narrow-minded about this…

Daria: My mind is as wide as a forty-acre field. That doesn’t mean I’m going to change it.

Helen: Daria, we ALL need a change sometime…

Daria: Like you did, eighteen years ago?

(Helen goes pure white. Daria keeps looking. Saleslady approaches – nametag reads "Beth".)

Beth: May I help you?

Daria: I’m looking for frames that are something like these.

(She shows Beth her driver’s licence. Beth winces at the picture, then studies it a bit.8)

Beth: I’m sorry, miss, but we haven’t had frames like these in stock for nearly five years. It’s amazing you got yours as recently as you did.

Daria: I didn’t. I’ve been using the same frames for some time. But they got wrecked so I need them replaced.

Beth: Well, perhaps you could try a different look!

Daria: Look, that’s not what I’m after. Could you just show me what you have in stock that’s the closest you can get to my old frames?

Beth: (frown; thinking) Well … I suppose there’s always these ones…

(She goes to a dusty shelf towards the back of the shop and comes back. Cut to Daria’s reaction as she sees the frames. She looks shocked, then resigned.)

Daria: (mutter) You’re just not done dumping on me yet, are you.

(Scene: Lane basement. Jane is sitting on the basement steps, smirking quietly to herself. In the background, we hear voices.)

Lynn: (OS) Look, even if I DID want to change my stage outfit – and let me make it clear right now that I don’t – I would not wear THAT. The only person I can think of wearing that is a Rocky Horror Picture Show cast member.

Max: (OS) Aw, come ON! It’d look REALLY hot!

Lynn: (OS) Trent, did they ever try to do this to YOU?

Trent: (OS) Um … no. But I wouldn’t look good in a corset and short skirt.

(Jane smirks harder as we hear Lynn sigh.)

(Scene: basic restaurant setting. Music: "Perfect" – Alanis Morisette. Daria and Helen are sitting across from each other in a booth, playing with their food, not talking for awhile.)

Helen: I think those new frames will look GREAT on you, sweetie! I mean, the slightly smaller lenses bring out your face more!

Daria: Shame. I was hoping for something more like the mask of Zorro look.

Helen: But Daria, if people can see more of your face, they might be more … receptive to you! I mean, hiding behind those glasses of yours means no one knows what you’re thinking!

Daria: And that’s a bad thing why?

Helen: Daria … (sigh) Never mind, Daria. I was only trying to compliment you…

Daria: For making a choice I was forced into by the whims of the fashion industry. I don’t need you to make me feel better.

Helen: No, I suppose you don’t. You don’t need me for ANYTHING, do you.

Daria: Excuse me?

Helen: (sad) I guess I’ll have to admit to being a bit frightened of you over the years. I mean, you’re so much not … not like what anyone would expect from a child of mine and Jake’s.

Daria: You mean not like Quinn.

Helen: I guess that’s one way to put it. And I guess I tried to force you into that mould. I just wanted to make sure you belonged … but that isn’t your way, and maybe I should have respected that a little more – encouraged you in what you wanted instead of trying to make you fit into my idea of a daughter. I’ve probably disappointed you quite a lot. And it probably doesn’t help but … I’m sorry.

(Daria looks at her mother, no expression. And a number of flashbacks hit her.

Helen: (VO) Why, Amanda! I guess you've come to claim your children.

Amanda: (VO) Are they here?10

Lynn: (VO) Well, once Mom thinks I’m adequately settled into what she laughingly calls home and what I refer to as convenient daughter storage space, you won’t see her for dust.11

(VO) Ah, you’re the girlfriend he keeps talking about. Nice to meet you at last. Would you like to stay for dinner? It’s stew, so there’s plenty.

AP: (VO) Mom, I told you about this day before yesterday – staying for dinner is the main reason Daria’s here.12

Jane: (VO) So Helen actually supported you on this gym class thing?

Daria: (VO) Her vestigial sense of right and wrong was acting up again. What does your mother think about it?

Jane: (VO) I don't know. When she gets back from the painted desert I'll ask her if she had a vision.13

Helen: (VO) Daria, the easiest thing in the world for you is being honest about what you observe. What's hard for you is being honest about your wishes. About the way you think things should be, not the way they are. You gloss over it with a cynical joke and nobody finds out what you really believe in. If you really want to be honest, be truthful about what you'd like to happen. There's a challenge.14

(Back to Daria in the present. Her deadpan expression goes slightly thoughtful, and then she bestows a Mona Lisa smile onto her mother.)

Daria: Well … maybe you weren’t as bad as all THAT. (Helen looks up at her, stunned) In fact … sometimes … you’re a pretty damn good mom, all things considered.

Helen: You … never said ANYTHING like that to me before. You … you really MEAN that?

(Daria nods … and Helen bursts into tears.)

Daria: Mom? Come on, Mom, not in public. Mom, people are looking at us really strangely. Mom? I was being NICE, damnit… (sigh; pats Helen on the back) There. There. It’s … okay.

(Scene: Jane’s front door. Music: very faint, from the basement, Mystik Spiral doing "Rear View Mirror" – Pearl Jam. Daria’s hand reaches out and rings the doorbell. A moment later, Jane opens the door and pokes her head around.)

Jane: So how went the – what the HELL?

(We now see Daria in the new glasses. Apparently the closest she could find to her old frames are frames almost exactly like Lynn’s – just rounder and consequently slightly larger, and in gunmetal grey instead of silver.)

Daria: Hell. An accurate description.

(Scene: Jane’s room. Jane is sitting on a chair looking at Daria, who is lying in her ‘something eating at my soul’ pose.)

Jane: Okay; to make a long story short, you reduced your mother to tears of joy and removed yet one more difference between you and your evil twin all in one day. (beat) That’s quite an achievement.

Daria: It could be worse. I keep telling myself it could be worse.

(Enter Lynn.)

Lynn: Hey, Daria. How did the glasses shopping…

(Daria sits up. The matching glasses seem to lessen the difference in their facial shapes. There is a pause as they stare at each other for a moment.)

Daria: Um … surprise?

Lynn: That’s one way of putting it. (beat) So now what?

Daria: I kind of thought we’d go on with our lives…

Lynn: Yes… Go on with our lives. (beat) But without even taking advantage of this situation while we can?

(Jane raises an eyebrow. Daria and Lynn look at each other with a nearly identical "ah, what the hell" expression.)

(Scene: O’Neill’s English class. From the students’ point of view, we see O’Neill rush in.)

O’Neill: Um … I’m terribly sorry for keeping you waiting. I…

(Then he takes his first good look at the class. Then he looks for his roll book – missing. Then back at the classroom. Then he backs slowly towards the door, eyes wide. He steps out the door slowly – it shuts quietly. Then we hear a sob and footsteps running like hell. Cut to Daria and Lynn, both wearing left-side parts in their hair. Neither are wearing their jackets. They both wear black T-shirts and blue jeans. AP reaches into his lap and pulls out the roll book with a mischievous grin.)

Daria: That was almost satisfying.

Lynn: Maybe a bit too easy. Fish. Barrel. Smoking gun.

AP: So this is now a study hall?

(The two girls raise an eyebrow at him, and he grins.)

END ACT 2 – ADVERTS [Lead-in: O’Neill backing out of the room; quick cut to identical look-alikes]

All-Weather Wood Treatment: Wooden man extols the virtues of this product. I guess they must at least be doing well to afford the CGI this advert employs.

Pringles: I somehow can’t see myself getting musical about what is actually a "dehydrated potato snack" rather than a chip. Or a crisp. Whatever.


(Scene: Lawndale street. Music: "Mechanical Animals" – Marilyn Manson. Daria, Jane and Lynn are walking. Daria and Lynn are still in the matching outfits.)

Jane: So what’s the final score?

Daria: Well, we’re not a hundred percent sure. Remember, we don’t have all of our classes together.

Lynn: But the Penny Puncher did have slight problems … especially when we switched seats the third time.15

Daria: And I don’t think Ms Manson is ever going to ask me to spike a volleyball again.

Jane: (wince) No. I doubt it. Did you hear anything about Nicole?

Lynn: I pulled it – I only bloodied her nose. She won’t be joining that Brooke girl in the nasal relapse ward anytime soon.16


Jane: You’re not … going to keep this up, are you?

Daria & Lynn: (in unison) Keep what up?

Jane: (shudder) No, that’s just plain scary.

(Daria and Lynn turn around and give slightly evil smirks.)

Daria & Lynn: (in unison) WHAT’S scary?

Jane: Guys, that’s creepy. Can you stop the unison now?

Daria & Lynn: (in unison) We’re not doing it on purpose.

Jane: Um … I’m going for a run. One of you call me when you’ve regained what little sanity you had to begin with.

(Jane jogs off. Daria and Lynn look at each other, no expression.)

Daria: That was cruel.

Lynn: We should be ashamed of ourselves.

(A second’s pause … and they both smirk.)

Daria: I think we’ve milked this for everything it’s worth.

Lynn: Hmm. Wonder if anything else’ll change because of this.

Daria: I really don’t think anyone’s going to notice my new frames … well, apart from for the obvious reasons.
If you say so. Look, I’d better get home. Mom’s expecting me to have a brief meal with her before she hits the lonesome trail again.

Daria: Where’s she going now?

Lynn: I’m pretty sure she told me … but I don’t recall. I sometimes wonder if she just throws a dart at a map of the world. I guess I’ll know the day she tells me she’s doing PR work in the Bering Strait.

(Lynn walks off. Daria raises an eyebrow.)

(Scene: Morgendorffer dinner table. Helen is beaming at Daria. Jake is hidden behind the paper. Quinn's looking at Daria closely.)

Quinn: You know, those glasses look really good on you. They’re not so … blocky. You know, if you wore clothes that accentuated your figure as well as those glasses accentuate your face, maybe you could get yourself a better boyfriend than that … that THING you’re seeing.

Jake: I don’t know, Quinn. I like that young man … Andy, right?17

Daria: (slightly impressed) Close enough.

Jake: And at least HE’S not in some sort of a cult!18

Daria & Quinn: (in unison) Ted’s NOT in a CULT, Dad!

Jake: Yeah, yeah, try to put one over on ol’ Jake. NEVER tell little JAKEY the truth – he’s too SENSITIVE to be able to HANDLE IT! DAMNIT, WHY DIDN’T HE TRUST ME? WHY DIDN’T HE TREAT ME LIKE A MAN?

Helen: Jake, please calm down!

Quinn: Remember your blood pressure!

Daria: Honestly, Dad, we’re all telling you the truth.

(Daria manages not to look at Helen when she says this. Helen, though, has the good grace to blush a little.)

Jake: (mood swing) Oh, are those new glasses? You look GREAT, Kiddo! (thoughtful) Though you look kind of familiar … (got it) That girl! That little friend of yours!

(Daria rolls her eyes)

Quinn: Now that you’re wearing glasses that don’t hide your eyes quite so much, maybe you’ll LISTEN to me about eye makeup! And really, Daria, dark grey with that outfit? That’s … just WRONG!

Daria: (thought VO) If any deities are listening … could you strike me deaf?

(Scene: LHS cafeteria. Jane, Lynn and AP are sitting down, looking dubiously at something reddish [maybe chilli, who can tell?] on their trays. Daria approaches, calling behind her.)

Daria: For the last time, I do NOT want makeup tips for the visually challenged! (sigh) God, don’t Quinn and her now much-expanded entourage EVER give up?

Jane: Not even in death, Daria.

Lynn: They’re hyenas.

AP: What, they laugh a lot?

Lynn: (sigh) Yes, but that’s not what I’m getting at. Obviously biology is the once science you don’t do.

AP: Hey, I’m fine with animals! I’d just rather cut ‘em open to see how they work than name ‘em!

Lynn: Hyenas are scavengers … but they’ll hunt if they sense weakness.

Jane: They see your switch to lightweight frames as the start of something … fashionable.

Lynn: The first step to no glasses at all. After all, they’ve seen you in contacts.

Daria: Yeah … well … I’m going to have to get it through to them somehow that this was not a matter of choice. (beat) I don’t think I’m hungry anymore.

(Daria gets up and leaves. Jane, Lynn and AP look after her. Jane looks at Lynn … and then at AP … and you can nearly see the light bulb.)

Jane: AP … you have the tools to work with plastics, right?

AP: (suspicious) Yeah…

Jane: We’re going to your house after school. I have an idea.

(Montage sequence. Music: "I" - Coal Chamber
Jane’s room. Jane is looking at a picture we can’t see and making what seems to be a very careful, very detailed sketch.

McIntyre upstairs corridor. Wisps of smoke are curling around one of the doors. Fred appears with a cordless phone in his hand and hammers on the door. AP opens the door a crack [more smoke billows out] and blinks at him through fogging safety goggles. Fred holds out the phone. AP looks at it, looks at his father, shrugs and shuts the door again.

Daria’s room. Daria hanging up the phone, looking a bit hurt and confused.

Lynn’s room. Lynn is going through a folder. Eventually she pulls out a smaller envelope and shrugs, putting it in her pocket.

Pizza King. Jane, Lynn and AP at a booth, chatting quietly. On the table between them is a small box. When Daria approaches, Jane grabs it and hides it under the table. Daria looks at all three of them suspiciously. They all give overly innocent looks back.

RxPlex, exterior. Lynn’s Merc pulls into a parking space and Lynn steps out, bearing the box and the envelope. End montage.)

(Scene: LHS corridor. Daria walks down the corridor … and then stops. Pan to a view of her locker – one purple balloon, one red balloon and one blue balloon are tied to it, as is a banner reading "Happy Crappy Re-birthday". She frowns and moves to her locker. When she opens it, she sees a small box on the bottom shelf with a note attached.)

Daria: (reading aloud) "Eyesight to the blind. And we’re not just talking about you. From the Flack-Jacket Mafia."

(She picks up the box and opens it. Nestled in cotton are an exact replica of her old glasses. Underneath them are a set of those glasses cords you see on librarians.)

AP: (VO) So … you like ‘em?

(Daria turns around and sees the sheepish looks on the faces of her compatriots.)

Daria: Is this why you’ve been avoiding me?

Lynn: There was a lot of stuff to do. Jane did all the design work, (Jane: smirk) AP did the actual construction of the frames (AP: bow) and all I did was provide the prescription and the hard-earned.

Jane: And we melted down your old frames and used them to make the new ones. We thought it would be fitting.

Daria: And ‘Eyesight to the blind … and we’re not just talking about you’?

AP: Ask her. (gesture to Lynn) Went so far over my head I couldn’t even see it.

Lynn: There were none so blind as those in school who would not see that you weren’t changing to suit their ideas of fashion. So those will help them see you aren’t conforming as well as helping you … well, just see.

Daria: And the librarian cords?

Jane: Well, you DO plan on watching Mystik Spiral play again, don’t you?

(Daria raises an eyebrow.)

(Scene: Morgendorffer kitchen. Jake behind the paper. Helen leafing through papers. Quinn leafing through Waif. Daria comes in and sits down. Quinn looks up and rolls her eyes.)

Quinn: Oh, DARIA! You got those ugly old glasses BACK! And you were doing so WELL!

Jake: (looking up) Oh, hi there, Kiddo!

(Helen looks up at Daria, raises an eyebrow, then shrugs with a small smile.)

Helen: Where’d you get those? I thought they were defunct.

Quinn: Mom, PLEASE. Even I know that ‘funk’ used to mean a cool thing, and those glasses are NOT a cool thing.

(Daria and Helen’s eyes meet and they smirk a little.)

Daria: (shrug) It’s amazing what you find if you look. (beat) Perhaps I can find you a clue, Quinn.

(Quinn scowls.)

(Scene: Jane’s room. Music: "The Memory Remains" – Metallica. Jane painting Daria and Lynn as Siamese twins – both look disgruntled. Daria is sitting at the foot of the bed, reading "Brave New World". Lynn jotting down notes.)

Jane: Sounds like you’ve got Helen horsewhipped.

Daria: I like to think of it more as obedience training. Do a bad thing and spend a considerable amount of time fawning at my feet.

Lynn: So you’ve forgiven her.

Daria: Mmm … no. Not exactly.

Lynn: Phew. For a moment there I thought you had gone soft.

Daria: So what was the outcome on the Mystik Spiral debate on your stage outfit?

Jane: Undecided. But Max’s last suggestion earned him a black eye.

Lynn: Just don’t ask. (looks at TV) Oops. Show’s back on.

(She grabs the remote and mutes the music, then turns the TV volume up. Familiar theme music plays … and the screen shows Daria and Lynn, in their identical outfits, smirking at each other.)

SSW: Forget Dolly – these carbon copies are anything BUT sheepish! Send in the clones: When Sick Sad World returns!

(Daria and Lynn look at each other in something like horror. Jane bursts out laughing.)

Daria & Lynn: (in unison) Oh, hell.



I have to explain this fic. The concept is actually quite old now – on 29 October 1999, I went on a night out with friends and wound up at a club. I didn’t expect to be grabbed into a circle of freaks bouncing around to "Come On Eileen". I dragged myself off the dance floor to find my glasses were gone. They were later found mangled beyond recognition in a beery mud puddle on the dance floor. So the next day I went out to Vision Express and, after having my prescription checked and being told I should report to a specialist because my eyes are incredibly weird, I went to look for frames but couldn’t find any like my old ones (purple, round). So, as a joke, I decided to look for ones like Daria’s – no dice on them either. In the end, I went for slightly oval wire-rims like Lynn wears. *shrug* I wondered how Daria would deal with being told that she couldn’t have her old frames. This fic was my answer.

1) Okay, we all know that these snippets are called teasers. And we all know why they’re there. And if you don’t recognise most of them, I’d go back and start reading season 2 from the top.

2) Shark tattoo. Left shoulder blade. "Misshapen Identity". Max thought it was hot. *shrug*

3) There was a question on the message boards awhile back about what we the Daria fans would rename Mystik Spiral if we had the opportunity. Yes, they came up with better names than Merlin’s Terriers.

4) Read "How The Other Half Lives" for more on why ‘that look’ came about.

5) I decided to quote "The Monkeybagel Document – Process Documentation as Theatre". Great stuff. Check www.monkeybagel.com.

6) There’s a very good reason why she doesn’t want to go home. Want to know what it is? Read "The Parent Crap".

7) I don’t remember the name of the sketch, but it’s great aurally. *SQUEAK! SQUEEEEEAK!*

8) We found this out in "Through A Lens Darkly".

9) We all saw the drivers’ licence shot from hell in "Speedtrapped", right?

10) Clipped from "Lane Miserables".

11) From the remastered "The Things We Do For Dough".

12) From "A Hard Day’s Write".

13) From "See Jane Run".

14) And the climax – "Write Where It Hurts".

15) Austin Loomis coined this name for Mrs Bennett in his prose adaptation of "The Flack-Jacket Mafia".

16) A reference to "Too Cute". The stupid thing got a nose job and "the whole thing just … caved … in."

17) Jake has had one encounter with AP in "Miss Conception".

18) Ted "The New Kid" DeWitt-Clinton, Quinn’s boyfriend as of "Love Him or Leave Him", is probably always going to be ‘Brother Ted’ to Jake.


Daria and related characters owned by MTV, a Viacom company (created by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn). Lynn Cullen and AP McIntyre were created and are owned by Janet "Canadibrit" Neilson, copyright 1999, 2000. I’ve credited Monty Python in the endnotes and given all song titles with the names of the bands that played them. Don’t sue me – it’s not worth it. Feel free to archive this fic (tell me where it is, though, please) but if you want to use my characters, ask first or I WILL pull a Lynn Cullen on you. And then I’ll call lawyers.