(Opening sequence. Music: "You’re Standing On My Neck" by Splendora.1

Daria and Lynn sit side by side in Ms Li’s office, looking warily at each other.

Daria and AP standing outside the Morgendorffer house, kissing. Jake rushes out the front door waving a golf club over his head in a threatening manner.

Daria behind the wheel of Lynn’s car, with AP leaning around behind her to yell at Sandi and Tiffany, who are driving next to them. Flying hair indicates that they are going at speed.

LHS corridor. Quinn walks past Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP wearing an outfit much like one that Daria or Lynn would wear – rose pink cardigan, cream turtleneck, knee-length denim skirt and flats.

LHS corridor. Lynn walks past Daria and Jane wearing something that Quinn would wear – purple T-shirt showing off her midriff, black boot leg jeans, high heels.

Nightclub dance floor. Daria gets shoved to the floor by a sneering burly lout of a guy. Jane and AP, standing behind him, look at each other and then they both hit him.

Hospital corridor. Daria holds her head in her hands – obviously crying. Trent, looking nervous, puts an arm around her.

Nightclub stage. Lynn, looking resigned, slings Trent’s guitar over her shoulder.

Lynn’s room. Daria and Lynn sit side-by-side, staring at the computer screen. They turn to each other at the same time, stricken looks on their faces.

Daria and Lynn side-by-side again, smirking slightly. As the original montage sequence, the camera pulls in and then out again to reveal two interlocking circles; one contains the Daria logo and the other contains a corresponding ‘Lynn’ version. Underneath are the words: "Daria in…"


(A Daria Fan Fiction – Episode 8 of "The Look-Alike Series" Season 2)

(Scene: Cullen kitchen. Music: "Oh Well" – Me Mom & Morgentaler. Lynn staggers in wearing an oversized purple T-shirt, black and white checked boxer shorts and purple fluffy slippers, making a beeline for the coffee machine. Sitting on the counter in front of it is a small stack of papers. The top sheet is a note – we see that it is signed "Mom".)

Lynn: (groggy mutter) What the hell…?

(Scene: Morgendorffer kitchen. Music plays on. Helen is at the table, leafing through a stack of papers. Jake is hidden behind the Lawndale Sun-Herald. Enter Daria, who makes a beeline for the fridge.)

Helen: (looking up; hopeful) Well, good morning, Daria! How are you?

Daria: (muffled by fridge) As well as can be expected. Make of that what you will.

Helen: And how’s school?

Daria: (emerging from fridge with apple) Tedious beyond all sense, so it could be worse.

Helen: And … things with the boyfriend?2

Daria: (on her way out) I wasn’t expecting the Spanish Inquisition. (she stops and flinches slightly, then sighs) I’ve been hanging around Lynn too long if I expected THAT response.3

(Exit Daria and enter Quinn.)

Helen: Good morning, Quinn. I…

Quinn: Can’t stop – running late – out tonight – bye!

Helen: Quinn, wait! (when Quinn stops) How’s you’re boyfriend … Todd, isn’t it?

Quinn: It’s TED; we’re fine.4 Mom, I’ve gotta…

Helen: No details? Quinn, you always used to…

Quinn: Bore you to death with all kinds of silly old details and aren’t you glad I don’t do THAT anymore when you’re trying to work – look, I’ve gotta go and I PROMISE I’ll make curfew tonight but don’t cook for me thanks bye!

(Exit Quinn. Helen looks at the paper shielding Jake from the word, then shakes her head in defeat and sighs.)

(Scene: LHS corridor. Music: "Take It Easy Chicken" – Mansun. Jane is at her locker, looking strangely at Daria, who stands next to her.)

Jane: (dubious) Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

Daria: Thank you. It felt incomplete.

(Enter Lynn, looking vaguely murderous. She passes Daria and Jane, who look at her warily before Jane shuts her locker and she and Daria approach Lynn, who is tossing books into her locker hard enough to make them bounce off the back wall.)

Jane: Uh-oh. I know that shade of maroon.5

Daria: Um … Lynn? Are you okay?

Lynn: (suspiciously calm) Currently indisposed. Please hold. (beat; yelling) CRAPCRAPCRAP! (punches locker next to hers. Deep breath. Calm again) Better. May I help you?

Daria: Is asking what’s wrong only going to open a Pandora’s box of hatred and crush your fragile psyche, causing you to take out a semiautomatic rifle and cause the hallowed halls of Lawndale High to run red with the blood of the masses? If so, just give me ten minutes to get out of firing range and make sure CNN covers it so I can watch later.

Lynn: (dry) Ha.

Daria: Seriously, what happened?

Lynn: Mom came home. Briefly. Left a note, marching orders … and some quote-unquote ‘interesting’ literature for me to have a look at. (beat) If we had a wood-burning stove, those documents would be kindling by now.

Jane: And THAT’S what’s causing the red rage?

Daria: Must be some note.

Lynn: (extracting note from pocket) You read it. I may do something drastic if I have to look at it again.

(Daria takes the note, uncrumples it, and scans it briefly. Her eyes widen.)

Daria: (reading aloud) ‘Lynn; sent your transcripts to Grove Hills and they want you there for the weekend. Relevant documentation attached. It’s a school for the intellectually gifted so give it a chance. I'll be calling from Boston to make sure you get there – grounding until graduation if you don’t show. Back in two weeks. Mom.’ (beat) But … your science grade…6

Lynn: She told them my average showing was due to boredom. They fell for it.

Jane: But why would she want to transfer you in the middle of the school year?

Daria: You’d laugh if I said honest concern for your intellectual development, right?

Lynn: (grim deadpan) Until I died.

Daria: Oh. Then what?

Lynn: AP, you guys, and the band, removal of myself from bad influence of.7 (sigh) I’m going to HAVE to be a genius to figure out a way of getting them to toss me out that doesn’t involve something Mom could punish me for. There’s no way in hell she could ground me, given how little time she spends at home, but she COULD make my life a living hell.

Daria: Don’t worry. At Grove Hills, you only get in if you’re possessed of an overinflated ego to match your IQ.

Lynn: You too, huh?

Daria: Jodie and I were invited to take a tour of the place.8 The grounds were impressive but the kids were … less endowed with the finer personality traits.

Jane: Read: they were aggressive, overbearing little snots.

Daria: Thank you; that about covers it. (beat) Anyway, it was actually going fairly well until Jodie’s sense of righteousness took over from her nice side for awhile.

Jane: Read: she tore the king aggressive, overbearing little snot a few new orifices when he tried to look down his nose at her and he got her – AND Daria – blackballed.

Daria: I think the only good thing about that whole trip was that it marked the start of Jodie’s descent into the realm of not giving a damn about what other people thought of her and therefore introduced her to the joys of cynicism.9

Lynn: Hmm… D’you think that means I’ll become more cynical after the tour?

Jane: That’s too scary to even think about.

Lynn: Well, at least the Merc’s finally fixed. (beat) Although it WOULD be something to see the aforementioned aggressive overbearing little snots’ eyes pop when I pulled up on Amethyst in full biker regalia.10

(Enter AP, looking beaten.)

AP: Hey, Erudite Emerald, I’m gonna have to take a rain check on that flight-sim rematch. My weekend’s in the can ‘cause Dad conned some school for snotty intellectual types into considering me… (notes growing smirks from Daria, Jane and Lynn) What?

Lynn: (sly) Need a lift?

(AP looks at her curiously, then gets it and gives an evil grin.)

(Scene: Morgendorffer living room. Helen is sitting on the sofa in her weekend clothes, talking into the cordless phone.)

Helen: (into phone) No, Eric, I’ve got it covered. (beat) No, the Henderson brief will keep until Monday. (beat) Eric, I’ve set this weekend aside for my family… (beat) I’ll make it up next week, Eric. Good bye. (hangs up, sighs)11

(Enter Jake under weight of golf bag.)

Jake: Golf! (exit)

(Enter Quinn, holding compact and putting on lipstick)

Quinn: Date! (exit)

(Enter Daria, bearing a duffel bag.)

Daria: Jane’s. (exit)12

Helen: (thrown) But…

(Helen sighs. looks at the phone, then sighs and pointedly looks away. She hesitantly picks up the TV remote and clicks the TV on.)

SSW Announcer: (OS) Little green men from Mars … or Ireland? The St Patrick’s Day Invasion next on Sick Sad World!

(Helen stares at the TV with an expression of horror mixed with morbid curiosity.)

END ACT 1 – ADVERTS [Lead-in: Lynn punching the lockers.]

Tango: Soft drink. Not content with people in Viking costumes decking innocents with orange rubber fish, now they’re giving the punters megaphones and encouraging them to yell at innocent bystanders. I used to drink Tango. The adverts made me boycott.

Dr Pepper: Just don’t even ASK. What is it with adverts and sexual innuendoes anyway?


(Scene: Grove Hills exterior. Lynn’s Mercedes pulls up in front.)

(Scene: Jane’s room. Music: "MOTA" – The Offspring. Jane’s left foot is bare and the toes are coated with blue paint – she is laying on her back on the floor and dabbing the canvas. Daria watches her with dim amusement.)

Daria: What exactly are you trying to achieve here?

Jane: Well, in the Orient, they do this kind of massage that involves someone walking on your back – something about the way toes grip a surface instinctively when you step down. I want to see how that translates onto canvas.

Daria: (wry) And if all else fails, you could get a starring role in a nature special on the blue-footed booby. Or a remake of "My Left Foot".

(Jane lashes her foot in Daria’s direction, flicking paint. Daria dodges easily.)

Jane: (bending forward to put more paint on her foot) So … care to wager on the outcome of Lynn and AP’s visit to Snob Central?

Daria: (thinking) Minor property damage, no casualties, blackballing after two and a half hours.

Jane: Major property damage, at least one call to the authorities, blackballing after four hours.

Daria: Ten bucks?

Jane: Done. And what should we do with the rest of our day?

Daria: Well, firstly I anticipate spending awhile helping you figure out how to get blue oil paint off your toes…

(Jane looks dubiously at her foot.)

(Scene: Grove Hills. Music plays on. Lynn and AP approach Marina, who is standing with Lara, Graham and Cassidy.)

Marina: Hello, and welcome to Grove Hills. I’m Marina.

Lynn: Lynn.


Marina: I’d like you to meet Lara, Graham and Cassidy.

(The three Grove Hills students eye Lynn and AP cautiously. Lynn and AP look at them, faces plainly saying, "Oh, we’ve heard about YOU three…")

Lara: Hi.

Cassidy: How’s it going?

Marina: Lara, why don’t you fill Lynn and AP in on the many advantages of a Grove Hills education. (quickly) And maybe leave out the personal remarks.

Lara: Well … um, you’re not surrounded by nearly as many stupid people as you would be at home.

Graham: Starting with your parents.

(Lara, Graham and Cassidy laugh briefly but are driven to silence by the grim looks on the faces of Lynn and AP.)

Lynn: I might agree with you if my parents weren’t divorced and constantly out of the country.

AP: I can understand the recruiter being on a script, but what’s YOUR excuse?

(The three Grove Hills kids glare at Lynn and AP.)

(Scene: Morgendorffer living room. Helen is slumped on the sofa, staring at the TV with a totally unplugged look. Cut to the TV, which is showing a very Oprah-esque scene – an attractive but not-too-attractive woman in a good suit interviewing a plump housewife type.)

Talk Show Host: So after you read his journal, you went to your son’s friend’s house and caught him and several of his friends sharing a crack pipe?

Mother: Yes. At first I felt bad about going through his room, but when he stopped confiding in me about anything, I felt I had no choice.

Talk Show Host: So you don’t feel at all guilty?

Mother: He was killing himself and I saved him. The ends justified the means.

(Cut back to Helen, who has perked up by this point. She switches the TV off and looks up towards the stairs in a speculative way.)

(Scene: Grove Hills student meeting room. The video is on.)

Narrator: At Grove Hills, you can contemplate Proust in our spacious dorm rooms, converse in Latin over a delicious meal…

Lynn: (whisper to AP) Play sniper-target with the students from our scenic bell tower.

(AP chuckles. Several surrounding students look at them nervously.)

Marina: I hope everyone enjoyed our little film.

(Various assenting noises overridden by matching disgusted snorts from Lynn and AP.)

Marina: Um … great. Um … I think a super way to start this meet and greet session would be to…

AP: Tell a little about our goals in life?

Marina: (totally off stride) Um … yes. That’s right.

AP: (casual) Crush Microsoft, slaughter Bill Gates, and maybe conquer Earth. Before I hit thirty.13

Lynn: (deadpan) Writer, rock musician or Death Row executioner, depending on who you talk to.14

(Marina looks stricken.)

(Scene: Daria’s room. Helen enters cautiously and stands undecided in the centre of the room. Then she squares her shoulders and walks towards Daria’s closet door. She enters the closet and we hear a jingle of coat hangers. Silence. Then…)

Helen: (OS; horrified) Oh dear God…15

(Scene: Jane’s room. Music: "Just The One" – Levellers. Jane, fully shod, enters the room and taps Daria, who’s absorbed in "Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Chemical Warfare But Couldn’t Ask For Fear Of Arrest!", on the shoulder.)

Jane: I ordered pizza. Did you bring the video?

Daria: (looking up) ‘Reanimator’? Damn, I forgot all about it. I’ll go home and pick it up.

Jane: (dismissive wave) It can wait until after pizza. We still have ‘Attack of the Radioactive Kung-Fu Howler Monkeys’ to watch.

Daria: (incredulous) ‘Attack of the Radioactive Kung-Fu Howler Monkeys’?

Jane: I don’t know exactly what the plot is and I’m not sure if I want to know, but Lynn got it off AP for me because they both said it was the worst movie of all time.

Daria: Oh, well, if it has novelty value…

(Scene: Grove Hills grounds. Music: "Wisconsin Death Trip" – Static X. Lynn is standing with Lara, Graham and Cassidy. Her body language shrieks, "Five more minutes of this and I go postal".)

Graham: (continuing long, boring, snide anecdote) So I said to her, "Quo vadis?"

(Graham, Lara and Cassidy laugh. Lynn reaches saturation point.)

Lynn: Straight to hell, God willing.

(Stunned pause.)

Graham: (incredulous) WHAT did you say?

Lynn: You asked where you were going. I think you heard my reply. Or do I add ‘deaf as a stone post’ to your rapidly growing list of mental deficiencies?

Graham: (sputter) How … how DARE you call me mentally deficient? I … I have a 165 IQ!

Lynn: (dismissive) Oh, is that all? Oh well – they say it’s not what you have, it’s how you use it.

Cassidy: What do you MEAN, ‘is that all’?

Lynn: Oh, well, if I was the competitive type, I might mention that my own IQ runs about 15 points higher than that. And I'll refrain from mentioning my cohort’s score for fear of poking too large a hole in your fragile little egos.

(Lara, Graham and Cassidy gape at Lynn. Lynn stares back with no expression. Graham finally recovers, going red with rage.)

Graham: I’ll see you never set foot in this school again!

Lynn: Oh good. Torching the place on acceptance would have been SUCH a waste of kerosene.

(And she walks off, leaving the Grove Hills trio to stare at her.)

(Scene: Morgendorffer house, exterior. Daria approaches the front walk from one side; Quinn approaches it from the other. They meet in the middle and look at the SUV parked in the driveway.)

Daria: I can’t believe she’s actually home.

Quinn: Do we go in? She’ll ASK stuff!

Daria: Hmm… (pause for thought; shrug) Well, we’ll go in quietly. I suspect Mom’s wading hip-deep through legal documentation and won’t notice us if we’re careful.

(The sisters shrug at each other and then head up the walk.)

(Scene: Quinn’s room. Helen’s upper body is wedged under Quinn’s bed. She emerges with a pink notebook in her hand, a dust bunny caught in her hair and a pair of nylons stuck to her shoulder. She sits on the bed and opens the notebook at random.)

Quinn: (OS) Mu-OM!

(Helen looks up in shock to see Quinn and Daria staring at her from the doorway. Helen drops the notebook.)

Helen: Quinn, I…

(Quinn takes a step backwards, then leaves the doorway. Running footsteps can be heard descending the stairs, and then the front door slams. Helen looks at Daria.)

Daria: I’ll be in my room. Dusting for fingerprints.

(Daria turns around and walks out of the doorway. Helen stares at the spot her daughters have vacated, then buries her face in her hands.)

Helen: (muffled) Damnit, damnit, damnit…

END ACT 2 – ADVERTS [Lead-in: Daria and Quinn staring at Helen from the doorway.]

London Buses: They’ve just introduced a new fare system and are spelling it out for people in more and more stupid ways. As in, "The donutty bit of the donut is like all the rest of London and the hole is Central London." Actually, some of the donutty bits ARE holes…

Pokemon: There’s gonna be a movie, the advert says. And *click* goes the remote before the entire concept leaves me pre-suicidal.


(Scene: Grove Hills chemistry lab. Music: "Sway" – Coal Chamber. AP is fiddling with the chemicals. He takes a dropper of colourless liquid and adds drop after careful drop to a fizzing blue liquid. After the third drop, the door slams open, surprising AP into emptying the whole dropper into the blue stuff. It starts to steam and bubble alarmingly.)

Lynn: Screw this place – we’re leaving.

AP: (panicky) Um … I’m gonna have to deal with… (gesture at blue stuff) Aw, hell, it’s melting the glassware!

(Lynn sighs, grabs a large beaker, fills it with cold water and, thinking to dilute and cool the liquid, throws it at the beaker of blue stuff.)

AP: Not…

(Scene: Grove Hills science wing, exterior. Music plays on. There is a ‘thoomp’ and large globs of blue foam hit one set of windows.)16

(Scene: Daria’s room. Music: "Darkest Days" – Stabbing Westward. Daria is digging under her bed, shaking with concealed fury. She comes up with a video box and heads for the door, which is suddenly blocked by Helen [now minus nylons and dust-bunny].)

Helen: (desperate) Daria, we have to talk!

Daria: Why don’t you go back to trying to find the writing on the wall. (to Helen’s horror-struck expression) And before you ask, it was the previous occupant.17

Helen: Daria, I’m SORRY! But I…

Daria: (cold) Couldn’t gain our trust and confidence by more normal methods and took the easy way out. Good one, Mom.

Helen: You never tell me ANYTHING…

Daria: Maybe if I thought you’d listen, I WOULD. Do you remember the example I used when I told you about my science project? About negative reinforcement?18

Helen: (thinking) You said… (really remembers) Oh.

Daria: You don’t really listen. You don’t really TALK unless it involves your job. How can I confide in someone I barely know, let alone trust, just because there happens to be blood ties there? At least Dad tells us what he feels…19

Helen: (aghast) You cannot seriously be saying that you trust Jake more than me…

Daria: I know him better, it seems – why not?

Helen: (blind rage) For God’s sake, Daria, he’s probably not even your father!

(There is a cold, loaded silence. Helen claps a hand over her mouth. Daria stares.)

Daria: Excuse me?

(Scene: long shot of Grove Hills. We see the Merc start pulling away from the front.)

AP: (OS) I TRIED to tell you…

Lynn: (OS) Shut up.

(Cut to Lara, Graham, Cassidy and Marina, standing at the front doors, obviously watching Lynn and AP leave.)

Lara: My God, am I glad THEY’RE gone.

Cassidy: They’ll NEVER be able to get that gunk off the lab walls.

Graham: And did you hear what that girl SAID to me?

Marina: (small smile) Yes, I did.20

(Scene: Daria’s room. Music: "Alive" – Pearl Jam. As previous scene; Daria is staring at Helen, who's standing in the doorway of the room, looking frightened.)

Daria: You had an affair.

Helen: (pleading for understanding) I needed space. Law school had burned me out. I went to the Catskills for a resort holiday and … I met Jerome.

Daria: And had an affair.

Helen: I found out his wife wouldn’t let him touch her – she was three months pregnant at the time and didn’t… Well, he and I…

Daria: (needs Helen to say it) Had an affair.

Helen: Yes, all right, had an affair! (sigh) Oh, you wouldn’t understand – it was very special. Kate – that was his wife; we’d got to know each other a bit before this came out – found out about it and tried to tear my hair out over dinner in the hotel dining room one night. Next day, they were both gone. I went back to Jake two days later and we went on as normal. When I found out I was pregnant, I assumed you were Jake’s, but…

Daria: (cold) I don’t take after him.

Helen: Well, no. I passed off your traits as coming from the Barksdale side – anyone who’s seen Amy realises you’re related. (beat; pleading) It’d kill Jake to know…

Daria: (slightly cruel) But I don’t think it would surprise anyone. (beat) I’m going to Jane’s. I need to think.

Helen: But…

Daria: You don’t want me here right now – trust me. I’ll be home … well, I’ll be home.

(Daria brushes past Helen. Her footsteps are heard on the stairs and the front door shuts. At that sound, Helen leans on the door frame and starts to cry.)

(Scene: Morgendorffer house, exterior. Daria walks to the sidewalk, stops, and turns to look at the house for a moment.)

Daria: (whisper) I’m not a Morgendorffer…

(Scene: Jane’s front hall. Music: "Blue Monday" – New Order. The doorbell rings and Jane bursts into shot.)

Jane: (opening door) It’s about time! Where…

(She stops dead when she sees Lynn and AP, their clothes, hair and faces blotched with bright blue. Jane simply stares at them for a moment.)

Jane: What the HELL happened to YOU?

(Lynn and AP look at each other, seem to struggle … then give up and burst into hysterical laughter, leaning on each other for support. Jane just stares at them. A moment of this and…)

Daria: (OS) What is it with people and blue crap today?

(Lynn and AP wheel, see the half-amused expression on Daria’s face and laugh even harder.)

Jane: (stepping past Lynn and AP) What kept you?

Daria: Ah … (sigh) Parent crap. One day I’ll tell you.

(Daria steps into the house. Jane stares after her, then at Lynn and AP, who are still laughing. Then she rolls her eyes and drags Lynn and AP into the house. The door slams.)

(Scene: Jane’s room. Music plays on. A small amount of light filters into the room through a crack in the curtains. Daria is sitting cross-legged on her sleeping bag, a notebook in her lap. She is chewing the end of a pen. After a moment, she starts to write.)

Daria: (writing VO) So it seems that my El Paso fabrication actually has some merit to it after all.21 And to think I made all those evasive comments to Jane when she asked about it … yet another cosmic punishment for being too ironic.22 I’m not sure how to tell Jane and Lynn. Or when. I know I’ll have to sometime, but for now, I think I need time to think it out.

(Cut to Stacy’s room, where a confused-looking Stacy is trying to comfort a sobbing Quinn.)

Daria: (writing VO) I’m still not sure why I’m so surprised. It’s not like with Quinn, where the shared Barksdale/Morgendorffer traits hit you like a slap in the face with a wet fish. In her, it’s obvious through her cluelessness and general naivete that she’s Jake Morgendorffer’s daughter. I couldn’t be more different than Dad if I tried. But it still surprises me. Seventeen years of being told a thing will do that to you, I guess.

(Back to Daria.)

Daria: (writing VO) And that leads me to one important question – what IS my father like?

(pan to Jane, sprawled out a la Trent on her bed.)

Daria: (writing VO) Maybe he’s something like Jane’s dad – artistic, clueless and self-centred. I know I get like that when I’m writing.

(pan to Lynn, or at least the top of her head – all that’s visible of her because the rest is hidden by sleeping bag)

Daria: (writing VO) Or maybe he’s like Lynn’s dad – smooth-talking, conniving and completely disinterested in family ties. That wouldn’t surprise me, given how I am.

(cut to the Lane living room, where AP is asleep on the sofa.)

Daria: (writing VO) I suppose he COULD be like AP’s father – surly, undemonstrative and utterly disappointed… (beat; back to Daria) Ugh. Bad VC Andrews plotline thought there. Probably best to leave this one filed under J for ‘just let it lie’.23

(Back to Daria, who shuts the notebook, slides it into her duffel bag along with the pen, curls up in her sleeping bag, takes off her glasses and shuts her eyes with a sigh.)



This one’s going out to Pavel. If it weren’t for him, this fic would have no subplot and would have utterly stumped me, causing a total lack of Look-Alike fics for a LONG time until I came up with something myself. (Read: you can blame him if you have a problem with Lynn and AP touring Grove Hills.) Also, I have to thank my Little Welsh Boy – I wrote this fic while visiting him one weekend and not only did he stay out of my way when I needed writing space, he served coffee on request, listened to my dialogue and even put up with being kept awake until obscene hours of the morning with questions like "What song goes best with this scene?" Lastly, but certainly not least, I give a shout out to Diane Long. Your encouraging words were a great help while writing this. I bow to your Shippery greatness; thank you.


1) Teasers. If you’ve read season 2, you’ll know. If you haven’t – well, tough. You know where the fics are.

2) She means AP, Daria’s boyfriend as of "Love Him or Leave Him".

3) This is a reference to Lynn’s tendency to quote Monty Python – she’s a fan.

4) Ted started courting Quinn in "Trick-or-Trent" and they started dating in "Love Him or Leave Him", blowing the Fashion Club to hell in the process. I repeat – ain’t fan fiction great?

5) In "The Flack-Jacket Mafia", Lynn is recorded as going "a really weird shade of maroon" when angry.

6) In "A Meeting Of The Brains", Lynn states that she’s a "straight C science student and this generation’s answer to Tolkien".

7) Lynn eased into Mystik Spiral in "Blind Audition" and took up the role as lead singer in "Misshapen Identity".

8) Jodie and Daria got a tour of Grove Hills in "Gifted". I won’t go over every line I paraphrased or outright borrowed from the episode transcript, but I will credit Peggy Nicoll where it’s due and thank Martin Pollard of Outpost Daria for posting it so I had something to refer to.

9) This is a reference to "Grating Expectations". Jodie joins what Ms Li might consider "the Dark Side" after a hastily submitted subversive essay published in the Lowdown gets her booted from all her activities.

10) You remember Lynn’s Mercedes, first seen in "Lady And The Tank", signed over to her in "Rue Britannia", trashed in "Mercedes Bends"? Well, it’s back. And Amethyst, the custom-painted Laverda 750 Strike (motorbike) was purchased in "Bends" as well.

11) We meet Eric Schrecter, Helen’s boss, by voice in "The Teachings of Don Jake", and in person in "Daria!" And of course, half the time Helen’s on the phone that’s who she’s talking to.

12) Paraphrased from the "Meeting Golf Date Sarcasm" quote from "Jane’s Addition".

13) Paraphrased from AP’s introductory statement to O’Neill’s class in "And Then There Were Four".

14) Lynn wants to be a writer – that’s clear from AMOTB onwards. The rock musician bit comes in through "Blind Audition". And in "Many Are Culled", we find out how Lynn scared a guidance counsellor by stating "executioner" as her career goal.

15) There’s violent poetry carved into the closet walls with a key, according to the map of Daria’s room in "The Daria Diaries".

16) I don’t know if this as a chemical reaction is likely or even possible. Guess what? I don’t care either.

17) Lew’s fanfic "Heroes…" came instantly to mind when I had Helen snooping in Daria’s room. This is homage, not plagiarism.

18) "The Lab Brat" – the direct quote goes, "Like... say, you have a friend who responds to everything you say with, "That's great!" This insincere reply is the same whether you saved a life or killed a bug, and thus becomes "negative reinforcement," causing you to withdraw from that person or persons." Helen’s reply is, of course, "That’s fantastic!"

19) Tells, rants about, same difference. Gah damnit!

20) She got some abuse from Lara in ‘Gifted’. I for one think she might appreciate seeing them get their own back.

21) This also came up in "The Lab Brat". How fitting.

22) This was one of her lines in "It Happened One Nut". And the comments to Jane were referred to in Austin’s adaptation of "A Hard Day’s Write". Yes, I’ve been hinting at this.

23) Borrowing Austin’s "file under J" line from his prose adaptation of "Rue Britannia". Hope he doesn’t mind too much.


Daria and related characters owned by MTV, a Viacom company (created by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn). Lynn Cullen and AP McIntyre were created and are owned by Janet "Canadibrit" Neilson, copyright 1999, 2000. I’ve credited Monty Python in the endnotes and given all song titles with the names of the bands that played them. Don’t sue me – it’s not worth it. Feel free to archive this fic (tell me where it is, though, please) but if you want to use my characters, ask first or I WILL pull a Lynn Cullen on you. And then I’ll call lawyers.