(Opening sequence. Music: "You’re Standing On My Neck" by Splendora.1

Daria and Lynn sit side by side in Ms Li’s office, looking warily at each other.

Daria and AP standing outside the Morgendorffer house, kissing. Jake rushes out the front door waving a golf club over his head in a threatening manner.

Daria behind the wheel of Lynn’s car, with AP leaning around behind her to yell at Sandi and Tiffany, who are driving next to them. Flying hair indicates that they are going at speed.

LHS corridor. Quinn walks past Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP wearing an outfit much like one that Daria or Lynn would wear – rose pink cardigan, cream turtleneck, knee-length denim skirt and flats.

LHS corridor. Lynn walks past Daria and Jane wearing something that Quinn would wear – purple T-shirt showing off her midriff, black boot leg jeans, high heels.

Nightclub dance floor. Daria gets shoved to the floor by a sneering burly lout of a guy. Jane and AP, standing behind him, look at each other and then they both hit him.

Hospital corridor. Daria holds her head in her hands – obviously crying. Trent, looking nervous, puts an arm around her.

Nightclub stage. Lynn, looking resigned, slings Trent’s guitar over her shoulder.

Lynn’s room. Daria and Lynn sit side-by-side, staring at the computer screen. They turn to each other at the same time, stricken looks on their faces.

Daria and Lynn side-by-side again, smirking slightly. As the original montage sequence, the camera pulls in and then out again to reveal two interlocking circles; one contains the Daria logo and the other contains a corresponding ‘Lynn’ version. Underneath are the words: "Daria in…"


(A Daria Fan Fiction – Episode 7 of "The Look-Alike Series" Season 2)

(Scene: A hazy wood. Music: theme from Highlander. Daria and Lynn are facing off on opposite ends of a clearing. They both hold swords.)

Daria & Lynn: (in unison) There can be only one…

(They rush at each other…)

(Scene: Daria’s room. Daria sits up with a gasp.)

(Scene: Lynn’s room. A thump and a groan of despair is heard from the wardrobe.)

(Scene: Cullen bathroom. Lynn steps up to the mirror and looks in.)

Lynn: (mutter) When I feel bad about myself, stand before the mirror…

(Scene: Morgendorffer bathroom. Daria looking in the mirror.)

Daria: (mutter) …look myself in the eye and say, "You are special…"

(Scene: Cullen bathroom, as before.)

Lynn: (mutter) …"No one else is like you."2

(Split-screen between Daria and Lynn.)

Daria & Lynn: (in unison; bitter) What a load of crap.

(Scene: LHS corridor. Music: "Microwaved" – Pitchshifter. Daria is standing at her locker wearing a black T-shirt and blue jeans.3 Jane approaches, seeing her only from behind. After a moment’s thought, she sighs and walks over.)

Jane: Yo.

Daria: (turning around) Hey.

Jane: Do I have to ask… (gestures at Daria’s clothes)

Daria: (sheepish) I thought it was time for a change. I…

(Lynn appears around a bend and stops short. She is wearing black jeans and a purple T-shirt, and the ensemble bears the same resemblance to Daria’s as their usual outfits do. They both look flustered, and Lynn hurries to her locker without a word.)

Jane: I guess you weren’t the only one.

Daria: I hate you.

Meanwhile, Lynn turns away from her locker and spies Brittany, looking in mirror mounted in her locker and fixing her lipstick. She looks dubious, then resigned, and then walks over.)

(Scene: LHS cafeteria. Music plays on. Daria is sitting poking at her food. AP and Jane are watching her in some concern.)

Daria: I don’t believe this is happening. This CAN’T be happening. Practically the same title. Practically the same CONTENT. EXACTLY the same subject.4(sigh) Even Quinn’s foray into my identity wasn’t this bad.5

Jane: Yeah, well, I know you’re messed up over this, but remember, she’s not very happy about it either.

AP: Yeah, and anyway, I don’t see what EITHER of you are getting so upset about. I mean, there are differences between you – anyone with half a brain can see that.

Daria: We’re talking about Lawndale High here, AP. I know very few people with that much grey matter.

Jane: (staring at a point behind them, stunned) You better BELIEVE there are differences between you…

(She points; Daria and AP turn around to see what Jane is seeing – Lynn, wearing a slightly overlarge cheerleading outfit, her hair in two ponytails rather like Brittany’s, standing among a crowd of cheerleaders, who look ecstatic. Lynn looks a bit ashamed of herself.)

Brittany: She showed me her moves just awhile ago! She needs some practice, but she’ll fit right in soon! So let’s all give a big Lions welcome to Lynn, our NEW cheerleader!

(We turn back to Daria, Jane and AP as cheerleaders pipe in the background, "Gimme an L! Gimme a Y! Gimme a double-N!" etc.)

AP: She’s sick, right? She’s got to be sick…

Daria: Yes, I think ‘sick’ about covers this.

Jane: Sick of being a look-alike, perhaps?

Daria: (snide) And she went out for cheerleading?

Jane: I give her three days, tops. But I have a feeling this is going to get worse before it gets better. (beat) But I guess the fact that SHE’S trying to change means that YOU don’t have to. Lucky for you, huh?

Daria: (shamefaced; looking at her outfit) Yeah. Right. Yeah.

(Scene: Lawndale street. Music: "Cool To Hate" – The Offspring. Daria is walking with AP.)

AP: I just don’t get it. I mean, she HATES cheerleaders. She hates everything cheerleading STANDS for – perkiness, school spirit and team sports!

Daria: I know she does. So do I. That’s why she’s doing it.

AP: Come again?

Daria: (sharp) If I didn’t know your IQ score, I’d wonder if you were some kind of idiot savant.

AP: Hey! Come on! I get enough cracks like that from Purple Peril!

Daria: (sigh) Look, I hate cheerleading. So does she, but she’s desperate enough to set herself apart from me to put that aside for the sake of being different.

AP: Oh. (beat) So she’ll be too busy being popular and cheerleader-like to talk to any of us anymore if she keeps this up. And she might, the mood she’s in. (beat; sigh) Damn.

(Daria sighs.)

(Scene: LHS corridor. Music plays on. Lynn sags against the lockers and sighs pathetically. Jane approaches, looking amused.)

Jane: Hey. How was the Perky Squad? Did they get to the full-frontal lobotomy part of the initiation yet?

Lynn: I quit. We had a practice and they wanted me to smile a lot and act vacuous. I told them I don’t like to smile unless I have a reason and handed over the pom-poms.

Jane: Funny; that’s what DARIA said about smi… (sees Lynn’s brief hurt look) Oops.6

Lynn: (sigh) I figured that. Well, there are other options.

Jane: Where are you going with this?

(Lynn just shrugs and walks away. As Jane looks after her, we swing into a montage sequence. Music: "Amphetime" by Everclear.

LHS corridor. Daria [back in her normal outfit] and Jane are turning away from Daria’s locker when Lynn passes by in peasant blouse, purple half-corset, black skirt, and black velvet cloak with purple lining.7 She wears a lot of eye makeup; Lynn has evidently gone Goth. Daria and Jane raise an eyebrow as she goes by. Lynn opens her locker, grabs a book, and shuts it, revealing the face of Andrea, which says without words, "Who do you think YOU’RE kidding?" Lynn sighs and slumps her shoulders and Andrea nods once and walks away.

LHS corridor. Daria and Jane are standing by Daria’s locker, evidently expecting something. Lynn wanders by in a tie-dyed T-shirt, bell-bottoms, Birkenstocks and a peace sign medallion – VERY much the neo-hippie. She gives Daria and Jane the peace sign as she passes. At her locker, Upchuck approaches Lynn, eyebrows raised and sleazy grin in place. Lynn grabs him by the back of the head and slams his face into the bank of lockers beside her. Then she takes her books, shuts her locker, and walks past Daria and Jane, at which point she removes the peace medallion, shrugs and hands it to Jane. She leaves.

Barch’s class. Lynn sits at her desk in black jeans, a maroon velvet blazer, a blouse and Kickers. Her hair is up in a French braid. The ensemble screams "teacher’s pet". A piece of paper lands on the desk and she looks at it – it’s a homework assignment, and it’s graded C+. Lynn drops her head on the desk in despair.

A half-pipe somewhere. Lynn, wearing cargo pants, a white long-sleeved T-shirt with a black T-shirt overtop, Adidas, a beanie and a fed-up expression, starts down the ramp on the skateboard. When she hits the top of the other end, she loses the skateboard entirely and slides down to the bottom of the half-pipe on her rear. AP, who has been standing there watching this, applauds sardonically. She glares at him until her skateboard makes its descent and hits her in the head. End montage.)

(Scene: LHS corridor. Music: "Popular" – Nada Surf. AP is at his locker, stashing books. Not five feet away, the 3 Js are standing against the lockers and looking wistfully after Quinn, who drifts past on Ted’s arm.8)

Joey: (sad) Hey Quinn.

Jeffy: (hopeful) Hey Quinn.

(We hear a door opening and closing on the other side of the hall and Jamie turns towards the sound as he speaks.)

Jamie: Hi … (eyes widen) … ai-yai -YAI!

(The other two turn to look and their eyes too widen. Then they abandon their post and dash towards whatever it is that Jamie saw.)

Joey: (OS) Hi! Are you new?

Jeffy: (OS) Can I show you around?

Jamie: (OS) Hi, I’m Jamie!

(AP closes his locker and, with idle curiosity, looks to see where the 3 Js have gone. His face takes a number of expressions – surprise, interest, rue … and then realisation closely followed by fear. As he turns and runs away, we hear a voice.)

Lynn: (OS; perky) Hi guys!

(Scene: Another section of LHS corridor. Jane and Daria are leaning against the lockers. Jane is obviously waiting for something.)

Jane: Wonder what it’s going to be this time?

Daria: You’re getting some sick, twisted enjoyment out of this whole thing, aren’t you?

(Jane shrugs. AP runs towards them, eyes wide.)

AP: (total panic; talking WAY too fast) This is bad. VERY bad. There are no words for how bad this is.

Jane: Um … WHAT’S bad?

AP: (still speed-rant) I really think we ought to go somewhere else. ANYWHERE else but school. Aruba might be nice…

Daria: AP…

AP: I REALLY don’t want to be here when whatever she pulls goes down. It’s not Hilfiger but it’s DAMN close! (runs off, ducking around a corner)

Jane: (to Daria) Why does that concept sound familiar?

(And Lynn walks past, dressed in a purple baby T-shirt, black bootleg jeans and high heels and followed by the fawning 3 Js. Like Daria, she has a figure that she normally hides. She goes to her locker and opens it without a word to her friends.)

Joey: Can I carry your books?

Jeffy: No, let me! I’m stronger!

Jamie: I’ll carry YOU so your feet don’t get tired!

Lynn: (perky) Tell you what. I have two books and a notepad and pen. (produces books and pen, hands one book to Joey, one to Jeffy and the notebook and pen to Jamie) There! Division of labour so you don’t get too tired.

Joey: You’re so smart! Want to go to Chez Pierre tonight?

Jeffy: You’re so considerate! How about we go to the movies after school?

Jamie: You’re so PRETTY! I have a BMW!

(Back to Daria and Jane.)

Daria: The reason it sounds familiar, Jane, is that she once said that if she went postal, she’d do it wearing Tommy Hilfiger and listening to the Spice Girls.9

AP: (approaching cautiously) I keep waiting for her to break out a semi-automatic weapon.

(And to make a weird situation complete, Sandi and Tiffany approach.)

Sandi: Um … hi. You’re cool.10

Lynn: (faux sincere) Well, not NEARLY as cool as YOU…

Sandi: (gracious) Well, it’d be hard to be. (beat) Listen, we have an opening for vice-president of the Fashion Club.

Tiffany: But … I thought I was getting promoted…

Sandi: (masked scorn) Tiffany, you’re FAR too valuable a co-ordinating officer to lose to the rigours of the vice-presidency. (beat) Now, after a short initiation period, we might consider allowing that position to be filled by YOU.

Lynn: (barely stifled sarcasm) It would be an honour, I’m sure.

(And she walks away with the remaining complement of Fashion-Victims-R-Us.)

Daria: (to the world in general) Even when she’s trying NOT to be like me, she’s like me. Do you have any idea how depressing this is?

(She walks away. Jane looks after her sadly and AP just looks confused.)

AP: Is it a good thing or a bad thing that I didn’t get that?

(Jane just shrugs at him.)

(END ACT 1 – ADVERTS [Lead-in – Lynn walking past Daria and Jane in her Quinn outfit.]

FT.com: The Financial Times has a website. Fine. Why advertise it with an animated kangaroo with a ‘CTRL’ button for a pouch? Advertising makes no sense.

Direct Line: Mortgages, insurance and personal loans. This little red phone on wheels rolls up to people and … no, I don’t get it either.


(Scene: LHS corridor. Lynn approaches her locker slowly, flanked by the 3 Js. She reaches her locker and turns to them, her face neutral except for her eyes, which blaze fury.)

Lynn: (deadly; quiet) Go … away … or I … will kill you.

(The 3 Js take one look at her and flee. Lynn opens her locker, then rests a hand on it as she removes one of her shoes and rubs her foot. AP wanders over tentatively.)

AP: Hey ho… Where’s Fashion-Victims-R-Us?

Lynn: If there is a God, and if He is in any way just, they are currently being pecked to death by New York City pigeons.

AP: So … not enjoying your dip into the shallow end of the intellectual pool?

Lynn: Not as such. I attended a Fashion Club meeting. I wonder if they’ve ever had an actual thought … and what medication they’re taking to stop it happening again. Those three goofballs keep inviting me on more and more outlandish dates. The damned perky voice even annoys ME, the contacts burn and these shoes are killing me. I feel like something out of the Ministry of Silly Walks.11

AP: Come on, Purple Peril, this is dumb. So was all that other stuff you tried. It’s just not YOU. So what’s wrong with being like Daria?

Lynn: (sharp) THAT’S what’s wrong with it! The fact that even you, who’ve known me since I was six, thinks of me as being like Daria instead of the other way around. I’m three months OLDER than her, remember? I came FIRST! (beat) Fine, so this fashionable nightmare isn’t working out, just like the other stuff didn’t work out; I’ll just have to try something else.

(She grabs some books, slams her locker shut, puts her shoe back on and tries to stalk away but trips over her shoes and falls flat on her face, books scattering. A piece of paper falls out of one and she looks at it. It’s a flyer for the Zen. A thoughtful look crosses Lynn’s face.)

(Scene: Axl’s tattoo parlour and piercing emporium. Music: "Ich Bin Ein Auslander" – Pop Will Eat Itself. Lynn, in regulation Purple Peril gear, barges through the door, AP hot on her heels.)

AP: Oh, come on, Purple Peril! This has got to be the dumbest thing you’ve EVER done!

Lynn: Our sword fight in Oakwood Heights mall?

AP: Okay, the SECOND dumbest thing…

Lynn: And the rubber fish off the roof of the school?

AP: No, that was MY idea.

Lynn: And the watercress lettering reading "I’m out of this hellhole" I planted in the principal’s carpet when I finished 10th grade and found out I was moving to Lawndale?

AP: Okay, okay, you’ve done a LOT of dumb things but they all had some point to them!12

Lynn: And this doesn’t?

(Axl comes out of the shop at that point, looking bemused.13)

Axl: Oi, you two’re going to scare off the public.

Lynn: As far as I can see, we ARE the public. Or I am, at least.

Axl: Well, ‘allo, darlin’. (beat) You look sort of familiar. You came in here with Trent, right? The navel ring?

Lynn: (dangerous) I think you’re thinking of someone else.

Axl: Oh. Sorry. Never mind. Take a look at our piercing menu.

Lynn: No need. I know exactly what I want done.

AP: Yeah. You want to pay some scruffy dreg from Brit-land to stick needles through you.

Lynn: How much to poke a really big hole through both his lips and put a padlock through?

Axl: (chuckle) That’s pretty good, luv. Now what can I do for you?

(Axl and Lynn retire to the back room. AP looks undecided, then sighs and settles into a chair.)

(Scene: the same, a short while later. Music plays on. AP is leafing through "Tattoo World" magazine and looking alternately interested and disgusted. Trent walks in.)

Trent: Hey, Axl, can you … (notices AP) Oh. It’s you. (beat; grudging) Hey.

AP: (grumble) Hey ho, Sir Naps-A-Lot. (beat) Did YOU put Purple Peril up to this crap?

Trent: What crap?

Lynn: (OS) OW! The needle’s still hot!

Axl: (OS) Sorry, luv. It’s sterile, at least.

Lynn: (OS) Good thing I’m not springing for some of your special offers or I’d be sterile too.

Axl: (OS; chuckle) Right. Now ‘old still.

(Trent raises an eyebrow at AP. AP shakes his head.)

AP: Watercress nothing – this IS the dumbest thing she’s ever done.

(Trent looks quizzically at AP, who waves a ‘never mind’ at him.)

(Scene: LHS corridor. Music: "Heroin Girl" – Everclear. Daria and Jane are leaning against the lockers. Jane wears an expectant look and bears a camera. Daria is reading over some sheets of paper. Suddenly she looks up and stares.)

Daria: I REALLY don’t think I want to know.

(Lynn walks past – though it’s kind of hard to tell. She has five earrings in one ear, three in the other and a hoop through her eyebrow. The glasses are back. She wears a leather jacket, her biker leathers, her faithful old boots and a skinny-fit black-on-grey T-shirt that reads "Psycho-Bitch". The shocker is her hair – same style, but bright purple with white streaks dyed in. Jane stares, then snaps a picture. Lynn notices the flash, turns to Jane, grabs the camera off her, removes the film and grinds it under the heel of her boot. Then she hands the camera back and walks on, stopping at her locker.)

Jane: Whoa. What rodent crawled up HER butt and died?

Daria: I’m not taking any blame for this. If she wants to change her look, that’s her problem.

Jane: (sarcastic) And I detected no bitterness at ALL in that statement…

(Daria glares at her. AP wanders over and looks at Lynn.)

AP: You know what the worst part about THAT (gesture to Lynn) is? I mean, apart from the shark tattoo on her left shoulder blade? (Daria and Jane stare) Trent and the rest of Neo-Grunge Earache couldn’t be happier about it. And Little Drummer Boy thought the tattoo was hotter than hell itself. (beat) Shame she thinks he’s a moron.

Jane: Sorry – back up about three steps.

AP: I went with her to get the piercing and tattoo done. Max’s septum was swelling and Trent and the rest of the band dragged him kicking and screaming to Axl’s for advice. He’s fine. As to the other thing, she e-mailed me after your trip through the pits of Carter County.14

Daria: That would explain a lot.

AP: And, since the band was so conveniently placed after the body art debacle, she told them she’d consent to being their singer.15

(The three are quiet and contemplative for a moment.)

Jane: (bracing) Well, it could be worse!

Daria: How so?

Jane: Um … can I get back to you on that?

(Scene: LHS corridor. Daria is putting books into her locker, her face slightly worried and guilty. Andrea approaches her from behind and stands there silently, looking at her for a moment. Then…)

Andrea: She’s dressing different.

Daria: (wheels, startled) Huh? What? (beat) Who?

Andrea: Her. (gestures to Lynn at her own locker)

Daria: (masked guilt) Yeah. Yeah, she is.

Andrea: Why?

Daria: (sigh) To differentiate herself from me.

Andrea: That’s no kind of reason.

Daria: Excuse me?


Andrea: (sigh) You’re different people. You’re smarter and more in control. She’s braver and more vicious. And it shows.

Daria: Yes … I guess it does.

Andrea: So why bother?

Daria: (musing) Because she’s stupid. Because we’re both stupid.

(Andrea considers Daria for a moment, then nods in satisfaction and leaves. Daria looks after her for a moment, thinking.)

(Scene: Jane’s room. Daria is in the "something eating at my soul pose". Jane sits on the bed, watching her.)

Jane: Whoa. So you decided that having a look-alike isn’t so bad after all?

Daria: Sort of. Maybe more like, I decided that looks aren’t everything. (sigh) I’ve believed that all my life but when it comes to living up to it I just plain suck.

Jane: Well, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – you don’t have to be a martyr to principle.16 I mean, you actually showed emotion – fine, it was face-simmering embarrassment bordering on dim rage, but hey, it’s a start and it’s not a bad thing.

Daria: Jane … she can’t help what she looks like – or what her personality’s like – any more than I can. I’ve been blaming her unfairly for something she can’t change – not to mention forgetting that she must feel about the same way. (beat) So now I find myself faced with a quandary. I want to do something that will show her that I’m not holding this against her anymore. But I’m completely stuck for ideas.

Jane: Well, maybe you could show willing by doing something that Lynn might do. (beat) Failing that, take revenge on Sandi for what she did to Lynn’s car.17

(Daria thinks about this for a moment … and then she gives a COMPLETELY evil Mona Lisa smirk.)

Daria: I think I know just the thing. (gets up) Thanks, Jane.

(Daria exits. Jane stares.)

Jane: (calling after) Just don’t get yourself arrested! (worried mutter) When am I gonna learn to keep my big mouth shut?

END ACT 2 – ADVERTS [Lead-in: Daria giving Jane the evil Mona Lisa smile.]

The Guardian: Newspaper. "Free Thinkers Welcome". Basically people talking bollocks.

Technical Institute: "I went to this college that has to advertise on the radio because I couldn’t get into a REAL university."


(Scene: Cashman’s. Daria approaches Theresa, who looks at her in shock.18)

Theresa: (desperate) Can I help you? PLEASE let me help you.

Daria: Well, I guess I COULD use some advice…

Theresa: GREAT! Now, when did you first suspect that your outfit sucked?

Daria: Um … no, I don’t think you understand. I…

Theresa: Okay, when did your ‘FRIEND’ first suspect that your outfit sucked?19

Daria: Look … I’m looking for the most God-awful clothing combination imaginable.

Theresa: (eyeing Daria critically) Yes, I can see that.

(Daria glares at her.)

(Scene: Lynn’s room. Lynn has braided the front part of her hair and is in the process of weaving small pointed steel weights onto the ends by thin silver wire that winds three-quarters of the way up each braid. The window opens and AP crawls in through it. He sits on the windowsill and watches Lynn for a moment.)

AP: I’m no expert, but something tells me that turning your hair into a lethal weapon means you’re pissed, right?

Lynn: Haven’t touched a drop.

AP: Pissed OFF, then. God, Purple Peril, don’t go British on me – you’re mad as hell.20

Lynn: And I’m not gonna take it anymore? (hollow chuckle) No, I’m okay.

(AP gets off the windowsill and moves to the desk, where he spots an open notebook. He sits in the desk chair and begins thumbing through the notebook.)

AP: And lyrics depicting ultra-violence, carnage and suicidal tendencies is you being okay? I’d hate to see what you write when you’re REALLY angry.

Lynn: Get out of there, you.

AP: (finds something particularly disturbing, winces) Ouch, this is harsh. PLEASE tell me you’re not planning on DOING any of this stuff.

Lynn: Kings used to execute people who spied on their artists, you know. It’s a trend that could use reviving, in my opinion.

AP: Geez, Purple Peril, I haven’t seen you this pissed since your mom got you that New Kids On The Block tape for Christmas.

Lynn: One more word about this and I go postal.

AP: (nervous) Ooo-kay… So we won’t talk about this.


Lynn: (annoyed) Did you want something?

AP: Yeah. Um … you know that thing? Like, rehashing cool moments from the past? Kind of like a personal greatest hits album?

Lynn: Reminiscing?

AP: That’s the one! I wanted to reminisce. I figured you’d have all the souvenirs and stuff from Oakwood, so…

(Lynn looks at AP, no expression. AP looks back – facial expression reads "Work with me here! I’m trying to help!" Lynn sighs and heads towards her wardrobe.)

(Scene: Daria’s room. Daria is surveying a collection of items spread out on her bed. One is a Cashman’s bag. The other is a box labelled "The Essential Lock-Breaker Kit". Attached to it is a tag that says, "The gift that keeps on giving – happy birthday – Lynn." Daria smirks.)

(Scene: Lynn’s room. Lynn and AP are seated on the bed, a Doc Marten box between them. Lynn holds a picture of a Lynn and AP age 7 dancing on a teacher’s desk in full Blues Brothers regalia.)

AP: (chuckle) Who took this, anyway?

Lynn: Adriana Falconridge. Biggest shutterbug in the 2nd grade. Or in the known universe. You don’t want to know what I had to do to get this picture off her.

AP: Whose idea was it to pull a Blues Brothers on Mrs Randall’s desk, anyway?

Lynn: Mine. YOU wanted to re-enact the scene where Jake and Elwood drive their car through the shopping mall.

AP: Oh yeah. (beat) But hey, this worked just as well. I thought Mrs Randall was going to go apoplectic when you said, (bad mimicry of deadpan Lynn) "But we’re on a mission from God…" while being dragged along the hallway by your ear!

Lynn: (grimace) And hasn’t THAT happened too often in my life…21

AP: Seriously, though – you’ve got this thing. I mean, Erudite Emerald would never … aw, hell, ran out of words again…

Lynn: Stoop to that level of depravity?

AP: That’s bad, right? (Lynn nods) Then no. I mean cut loose. Be funny. Make some noise. Do something silly just for the hell of it. (musing) Maybe it’s not what you look like or having the words. Maybe it’s just what you do with them…

(Lynn stares at AP. This is a VERY deep thought for him. AP doesn’t notice – he’s rooting in the shoebox again. He comes up with a rubber fish and grins.)

AP: Hey!

(Lynn sighs and favours him with a Mona Lisa smile.)

(Scene: LHS locker room. The place seems empty, but we can hear the sound of a running shower and Sandi butchering "Spice Up Your Life" by the Spice Girls in the background. Daria walks in casually with her Cashman’s bag and sneaks over to where a pile of gym clothes rests on a bench. She looks at the lockers dubiously, trying to figure out which one’s Sandi’s.)

Tiffany: (OS) Sandi’s is number eighty-seven.

(Daria wheels. Tiffany is standing there, looking at her with her usual blank look. All of a sudden, Tiffany gives a sly little smile.)

Tiffany: Are you, like, gonna get her really, really badly?

Daria: Um … yes.

Tiffany: Good. I didn’t like what she did to that other girl’s car. That was SO wrong…

(And Tiffany leaves without another word. Daria stares after her for a moment, then gets back to work, removing a stethoscope from the Cashman’s bag, pressing it against the combination lock to listen for telltale clicks as she turns the dial.)

(Scene: LHS corridor. Jane shuts her locker, turns her head … and smiles with some relief. Lynn is standing at her own locker and, while the hair is still purple and white and woven with wire and weights, she has reverted to wearing her field jacket outfit.)

Jane: (approaching) Yo! Like the outfit. It’s YOU.

Lynn: (not looking away from her locker) Yeah. It is, isn’t it.

(Jane looks uncertainly at Lynn for a moment, then shrugs and goes back to her own locker.)

(Scene: LHS locker room. Sandi, wrapped in a towel, goes over to her locker. There is a conspicuous lack of gym clothes on the bench. We see Sandi (from behind, shot stopping waist level) drop her towel. Cut to head-and-shoulders shot of Sandi as she opens her locker. She stares in, appalled.)

Sandi: Oh, my GOD…

(Scene: LHS corridor. Jane is chatting to AP by Jane’s locker.)

Jane: Are YOU responsible for Lynn’s sudden change of heart? If you are, I have got to commend you.

AP: (blush) Well … you’d have done the same.

Jane: (rueful) No, all *I* did was ensure possible mayhem at the hands of one Daria Morgendorffer. (beat) God, I hope there are no casualties involved.

AP: Come again?

Jane: (looking past AP) In a minute – I want to watch this.

(They both turn, and we pan to Lynn. Daria approaches. Her eyes widen when she takes in the outfit … then she takes it as the peace offering it is and walks over to Lynn.)

Daria: (slightly humble) Hey.

Lynn: (equally humble) Hey.

(There is a moment of forgiving silence.)

Daria: (sly) Could I get your opinion on a … project I’ve just finished?

Lynn: (confused) Okay … shoot.

(Her only reply is to reach into the Cashman’s bag she carries, pulling out a very familiar turquoise-with-one-horizontal-maroon-stripe T-shirt. Then Sandi walks past with Tiffany. She is wearing a yellow and black striped knit sweater, powder-pink stretch pants with large orange flowers on them, mint green slouch socks and turquoise high-top sneakers.)

Tiffany: I don’t believe someone did that to you. That is SO wrong…

Sandi: What’s WORSE is that the stupid PRINCIPAL won’t even let me go home to change. I don’t BELIEVE he’s making me look like such a … a … fashion DON’T for the whole rest of the day. Well, at least until lunch. If I drive REALLY fast, I can just get home, get changed and get back in time for class.

Tiffany: But…

Sandi: You just cover for me.

Tiffany: Oh … yeah.

(Lynn stares at Daria. Then Daria reaches into her pocket, producing an empty sugar bag.)

Daria: That car’s going nowhere. She has to walk home like that.

(For a moment, Lynn stares at Daria in total amazement. Then she bursts out laughing. Jane and AP walk over.)

AP: Did you do what I think you did?

Daria: Uh-huh.

Lynn: (still chuckling slightly) Couldn’t have done it better myself. If I only had a camera…

Jane: Well, I’m SO thrilled at not having to stand up for Daria in court… (pulls out a camera, hands it to Lynn) Go knock yourself out.

Lynn: (taking camera; smirking) I’ll have to do a bit of covert surveillance later on.

Daria: So … are you still going to be lead singer for Mystik Spiral in the face of all this?

Lynn: Well, I kind of promised them I would. (beat; shy) And anyway, I think it might be…

AP: Fun?

Lynn: I wouldn’t go THAT far.

Jane: So … Lynn dyes her hair back to normal and the Olsen Twins are reborn?

(Daria and Lynn look at each other, share a brief smirk, and…)

Daria & Lynn: (in unison) Go to hell, Lane.



1) Teasers from season 2. Any look familiar? If not, you haven’t been reading my fics. For shame! :o)

2) This has two sources – "Esteemsters" originally and "A Meeting Of The Brains".

3) You know, from "The Road Worrier". The outfit everyone liked.

4) This whole fic depicts the aftermath of Daria and Lynn’s nearly identical short story contest entries being disqualified in "A Hard Day’s Write".

5) "Quinn The Brain". One fluke essay fools the school into thinking Quinn is intellectual.

6) Daria does indeed say this in "The Misery Chick".

7) She wears this outfit in "Trick-or-Trent".

8) Ted and Quinn are an item as of "Love Him or Leave Him".

9) "Trick-or-Trent" again. Lynn spits on the "I am a cynical, depressed freak, therefore I listen to Marilyn Manson" stereotype.

10) This, as I recall it, was Sandi’s first ever line in "Esteemsters".

11) Lynn’s a Monty Python fangirl. ‘Nuff said.

12) Lynn and AP are long-time friends and made a LOT of mischief pre-Lawndale.

13) "Pierce Me". Thanks to Martin for sending me the screen capture from said episode when I panicked over what Axl looked like.

14) This is a reference to "Lady And The Tank" and the Max/Lynn interaction therein.

15) "Blind Audition"; Lynn becomes Mystik Spiral’s manager and says she’ll at least consider being their lead singer.

16) "Through A Lens Darkly". Daria’s brief brush with vanity.

17) "Mercedes Bends". Sandi forced Daria off the road while Daria was driving Lynn’s silver Mercedes SLK convertible. It hit a tree. Ouch.

18) We meet Theresa in "The Old And The Beautiful".

19) Originally, Quinn said this to Daria in "Through A Lens Darkly".

20) Brit-speak: pissed = drunk; pissed OFF = angry.

21) "Swear To Be Different" – DeMartino dragged her to Ms Li by her ear. Only that time, she was screaming "COME AND SEE THE VIOLENCE INHERENT IN THE SYSTEM!"


Daria and related characters owned by MTV, a Viacom company (created by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn). Lynn Cullen and AP McIntyre were created and are owned by Janet "Canadibrit" Neilson, copyright 1999, 2000. I’ve credited Monty Python in the endnotes and given all song titles with the names of the bands that played them. Don’t sue me – it’s not worth it. Feel free to archive this fic (tell me where it is, though, please) but if you want to use my characters, ask first or I WILL pull a Lynn Cullen on you. And then I’ll call lawyers.