(Opening sequence. Music: "You’re Standing On My Neck" by Splendora.1

Daria and Lynn sit side by side in Ms Li’s office, looking warily at each other.

Daria and AP standing outside the Morgendorffer house, kissing. Jake rushes out the front door waving a golf club over his head in a threatening manner.

Daria behind the wheel of Lynn’s car, with AP leaning around behind her to yell at Sandi and Tiffany, who are driving next to them. Flying hair indicates that they are going at speed.

LHS corridor. Quinn walks past Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP wearing an outfit much like one that Daria or Lynn would wear – rose pink cardigan, cream turtleneck, knee-length denim skirt and flats.

LHS corridor. Lynn walks past Daria and Jane wearing something that Quinn would wear – purple T-shirt showing off her midriff, black boot leg jeans, high heels.

Nightclub dance floor. Daria gets shoved to the floor by a sneering burly lout of a guy. Jane and AP, standing behind him, look at each other and then they both hit him.

Hospital corridor. Daria holds her head in her hands – obviously crying. Trent, looking nervous, puts an arm around her.

Nightclub stage. Lynn, looking resigned, slings Trent’s guitar over her shoulder.

Lynn’s room. Daria and Lynn sit side-by-side, staring at the computer screen. They turn to each other at the same time, stricken looks on their faces.

Daria and Lynn side-by-side again, smirking slightly. As the original montage sequence, the camera pulls in and then out again to reveal two interlocking circles; one contains the Daria logo and the other contains a corresponding ‘Lynn’ version. Underneath are the words: "Daria in…"


(A Daria Fan Fiction – Episode 6 of "The Look-Alike Series" Season 2)

(Scene: the exterior of a small, tidy brick house. Music: "Heartspark Dollarsign" – Everclear. After a moment, Daria and AP walk into shot and stand in front of the house, just looking at it.)

AP: Why nervous? It’s just my mother.

Daria: There have been incidents.2

AP: My mother’s not really the rampaging type. And anyway, do you think ANYONE could be accused of corrupting ME?

Daria: You may have a point there.

(Scene: A small, sunny kitchen. Music plays on. A tall, pale woman with long red hair is stirring something in a pot on the stove. The door slams, but the woman doesn’t react.)

AP: (OS) MOM! We have company!

(The woman turns around slowly as AP drags Daria in by the wrist.)

Daria: Um … hello, Mrs McIntyre…

Carol: Lynn, please, call me Carol – we’ve had this conversation.

(Daria frowns slightly. AP blushes.)

AP: No, Mom, this is Daria Morgendorffer. There ARE differences between her and Lynn … if you look close enough.

(Daria raises an eyebrow. Carol doesn’t look at all fazed.)

Carol: Ah, you’re the girlfriend he keeps talking about. Nice to meet you at last. Would you like to stay for dinner? It’s stew, so there’s plenty.

Daria: Um…

AP: Mom, I told you about this day before yesterday – staying for dinner is the main reason Daria’s here. (beat) If you need us, we’ll be upstairs working on our world domination plot.

Carol: All right – just don’t bore the poor girl to death.

(Carol turns back to the stove. Daria raises an eyebrow again. AP drags her out.)

(Scene: upstairs corridor of the McIntyre house. Music plays on. AP and Daria come up the stairs, talking.)

Daria: Um … she seems…

AP: Vague, I know. Um… (stops at a door) This is me.

(He flings the door open and ushers Daria inside. There is no bed – just a desk littered with esoteric computer equipment, various tools and bits of paper with doodles, notes and equations scrawled on them. There are also closed cabinets and bookshelves filled with titles like "Unix for the Advanced User" and "Encryption Systems – CRACKED!" Daria opens a cabinet and sees a chemistry set. Something orange is foaming in a beaker.)

Daria: What’s THIS?

AP: Best you don’t know. So what do you think?

Daria: This is your room. So where do you sleep?

(He opens a closet door. At the bottom of this closet is an air mattress with a sleeping bag on it. The walls are lined with shelves and a couple of items of clothing are crumpled on some of them. Daria raises her eyebrows and AP shuts the door again.3)

Daria: My opinion is … mad scientist’s laboratory meets bachelor pad meets Egghead.

AP: (chuckle) Just going online to check some things.

(AP boots up, logs on and brings up Subversion Is We from the favourites menu.)

AP: Oh, hey, this looks like JUST the thing for you, Erudite Emerald!

Daria: (reading from screen) "Tales From The Subversive Side – A Short Story Competition for Generation X".

AP: Oh, come on, you could do that EASY! (tempting singsong) First prize is a hundred dollars…

Daria: (thoughtful) Well…

AP: Oh, it’ll be FUN! Telling of your most subversive moment in your own inimitable style! What could be better?

Daria: True enough – if I could decide which one my most subversive moment WAS… (wry Mona Lisa smile) Yeah, why not?

(Downstairs, a door slams.)

Carol: (OS) Hon! Your father’s home and dinner’s on the table…

(Daria and AP look at each other a bit nervously.)

(Scene: McIntyre dining room. Carol is dreamily picking at her food, while Fred [AP’s father – a small man with DeMartino-esque hair and a grim expression] shovels down his dinner and glares at AP and Daria, who look very nervous.)

Fred: So … what do you do?

Daria: Um … excuse me?

Fred: For fun, girl!

Daria: I write and read, mainly…

Fred: (half-joking) Good. Maybe your influence will stop my son here from becoming a TOTAL geek. Though it would have been better if you were into sports.

(AP slumps in his chair, looking slightly hurt. Carol doesn’t seem to notice anything amiss. Daria looks from AP to Fred, who goes back to shovelling down his food. Her eyes narrow but she bites back whatever she was going to say and sighs.)

(Scene: LHS gym. Music: "Bled for Days" – Static X. The girls are gathered around Ms Morris while the guys are stationed at the other end of the gym. Everyone’s in gym gear bar Lynn, who carries a ring binder and pen. Ms Morris glares at her.)

Morris: Cullen! Why aren’t you dressed for class?

Lynn: I have a medical situation, Ms Morris.

(Lynn removes her jacket, showing a bandage wrapped tightly over her left bicep.)

Morris: I don’t trust you… Let me have a look under that bandage.

Lynn: (raised eyebrow) And let it get infected? Oh, please.

Morris: Do it or fail the year, Cullen. (Lynn shrugs and unwraps the bandage a ways. It covers what is for all appearances a bloody, evil wound. Morris looks slightly green and flaps a hand at her.) All right, all right, I’ve seen enough. Go sit down somewhere out of the way. (wanders to other side of gym.)

(sotto voce; smirk) Thought for the day: never underestimate the powers of stage makeup.

(She departs for the bleachers, shrugging back into her jacket. Daria and Jane look after her.)

Daria: (mildly bitter) Damn. I should have thought of that myself.

(Meanwhile, on the other side of the room…)

Morris: All right, men! Floor hockey!

(AP looks panicked. Swift cut to Lynn on the bleachers shows her looking equally panicked. Back to the guys.)

Morris: Right, I want two team captains … Thompson!

Kevin: ALL RIGHT! I’m the QB!

Mack: Kevin, there IS no QB in hockey.

Kevin: Oh. (beat) So what’s the point in playing it?

(Mack sighs and shakes his head.)

Morris: Mackenzie! You’re the other team captain! Choose your first team member!

(Mack looks at the guys and his eye falls upon…)

Mack: AP.

AP: Oh … this is gonna be bad.

(Back to the girls’ side of the gym, some time later. Daria and Jane have dropped their pom-poms and are looking at the guys, as are the rest of the girls. The sounds of a hockey game are heard out of shot. Suddenly, Daria and Jane wince and an instant later there is a small chorus of screams and a crash-thud-clatter. Cut to the guys’ side of the gym, where AP and Upchuck – the goalie for the other team – are tangled up in the collapsed hockey net.)

Morris: Damnit, McIntyre!

Upchuck: Get OFF me!

(AP gets up. Morris scowls at him.)

Morris: Is there NO sport you can do without fouling it up, McIntyre?

AP: Um … if there is, I haven’t found it yet. Not that I’ve been looking very hard…

Morris: Ugh … try it ONCE more, McIntyre!

AP: I don’t think you understand. Let me make it clear. (slow and deliberate) I … suck … at hockey. I have ALWAYS sucked at hockey. (beat; then yelling) I WILL SUCK AT HOCKEY UNTIL THE DAY I DIE AND IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT THEN *TOUGH*!

(There is a silence. Morris looks at him.)

Morris: Are you quite through, McIntyre?

AP: I think that about covers it, yes.

Morris: Good. (beat) NOW GET BACK IN THE GAME! (AP sighs, walks back to the game with slumped shoulders.) AND PUT SOME EFFORT INTO IT!

AP: (OS; mutter) Yeah, yeah, take that whistle and stick it… (indecipherable mutter)

(While this has been going on, Daria and Jane have made their way over to where Lynn sits on the bleachers. She is writing furiously.)

Jane: What’s with him?

Lynn: (not looking up) Like he said … he sucks at sports. (beat) I’d duck if I were you.

(The two girls duck. Lynn holds her ring binder up to shield her face and a moment later, an orange plastic ball – the traditional floor hockey ‘puck’ – hits it hard enough to dent the cover and bounces away.)



(Daria and Jane get up cautiously, then stare at Lynn.)

Daria: How did you do that?

Lynn: Not hard. I’ve been through this all before. At least it’s not on roller skates this time.

Daria: ROLLER hockey?

Lynn: Oh yeah. Basically, what happened was this…4

(Flashback scene. Lynn, age 11, hair in a braid down her back, and AP, also age 11, are sitting on a park bench. Hovering over them like the promise of death is a fat, miserable looking woman with a whistle around her neck – a coach. Next to each child on the bench are some hockey sticks and they are lacing up roller skates.)

Lynn: (VO from present) Our mothers decided we needed discipline so they enrolled us into the Oakwood Eagles Junior League Roller Hockey team. I wanted to go for archery, but AP said…

Young AP: Oh, come ON, Purple Peril! Just think of the damage you’re allowed to do to other people in hockey!

(Young Lynn raises an eyebrow. AP grins evilly and stands up … then wobbles on the skates and falls over backwards. Lynn raises an eyebrow again, gets up and skates off.)

Lynn: (VO from present) It could have been a lot worse, probably…

(Scenes from the Junior League Roller Hockey. Lynn taking a face-off and whacking the kid she’s up against in the shins until he screams. AP trying to get up to the ‘puck’ to take a shot and falling flat on his face. Lynn body checking someone into a brick wall. AP, unable to stop himself, skating directly into the net and the hapless goalie. AP falling flat on his face again while Lynn sits in a makeshift penalty box, wincing. Lynn hooking the legs out from under some kid, getting sent to the penalty box again – on her way, she catches AP about two feet shy of hitting the wall.)

Lynn: (VO from present) … but to be honest, I’m not sure how. But I suppose our own unique playing styles served one good purpose at least…

(Scene: the park. The fat, miserable coach points the way off the field with a grim look on her face that clearly says "don’t come back". AP and Lynn smirk at each other and leave. Back to present.)

Lynn: We both got kicked out. There wasn’t any point in us being there when AP spent most of his time on the pavement and I spent most of my time in the penalty box.

(There is a pause. There’s nothing to say to a comment like that.)

Daria: So why the evil scheme to get out of gym? Usually you just do the bare minimum participation thing in hopes that one day you’ll annoy Ms Morris enough to make her head blow up.

Lynn: Needed some extra down-time. Big project in the works. (sigh; to Daria and Jane’s expectant looks) It’s a writing competition on Subversion Is We. Some goofball’s offering a hundred dollars to the most subversive and warped story he can find and… (notes Daria’s stricken expression and stops. Faux casual) You too, huh?

Daria: Yeah.

Lynn: Oh. Well, good luck and happy writing…

Daria: Yeah, you too.

Jane: And may the best writer… (catches dark looks from both her friends) … never mind.

(Daria and Lynn give each other dark, nervous looks … until a crash-thud an a Kevin-sounding scream from the gym floor beyond distracts them.)


END ACT 1 – ADVERTS [Lead in – Lynn raising her binder to deflect the ‘puck’]

Monster.co.uk: This is a job-search site on the Net. What the hell kind of name is ‘Monster’ for a job-search site?

McDonalds: Here in England they’re doing this Chinese-style McDonalds thing and the adverts show martial-arts-film-style villains coming after the recipes the McDonalds people are using and the McDonalds employees beating the crap out of said villains. I know someone who worked at McDonalds – they’re not motivated enough (by pay or benefits) to do anything remotely like that.


(Scene: Daria’s room. Daria is sitting in front of her computer, staring at it grimly. There is a knock on the door.)

Quinn: (OS) Daria! Dad says come down for dinner ‘cause he made something SPECIAL this time. (beat) Um … do you think you could, like, get him to somehow sort of accidentally dump the brown goo he keeps scooping out of that pot down the garbage disposal or something? ‘Cause it looks, like, REALLY fattening and smells, like, REALLY bad.

Daria: I’m not hungry. (beat; faux cruel) You can have my share.

Quinn: (OS; whiny) But DARIA! That’s not FAIR; you KNOW Mom’s gonna try to, like, BOND with us again or whatever! I need you there to deflect some of those QUESTIONS! It’s like, I don’t want to talk to her about TED or whatever so she can jump to confusions!6

Daria: That’s conclusions. (beat) Or maybe not.

Quinn: (OS) Daria, PLEASE! (beat) I can pay you!

Daria: Do you have any idea how much you’d have to offer me to put myself in the firing line?

Quinn: (OS) Twenty?

Daria: Not even close.

Quinn: (OS) Daria, it’s all I HAVE!

Daria: Quinn, I’m writing. If that food smells as bad as you say it does, Mom will understand.

(Daria walks over to her boom box and switches it on. "Come Down" by Bush issues loudly from the speakers, drowning out Quinn’s pleas. Then she sits back down at her computer and looks at it for a moment longer. Then she begins to type. Begin montage sequence, same music – time lapse photography to nightfall.

Morgendorffer kitchen. Jake behind paper. Helen looking worriedly at Daria, who is slumped over a bowl of cereal, looking vacant and half-asleep. Quinn cruises through, grabs a piece of toast and runs out.

English class. Daria slumped over her desk, half-asleep. Pan to Lynn, who is in a similar state. Pan to AP, who looks concerned.

Cullen kitchen. A very tired Lynn is brewing coffee. The digital readout on the microwave lets us know it’s 3 in the morning.

LHS gym. Lynn sitting on the bleachers, writing in her three-ring binder. Her eyes are half closed. A zombie-like Daria is standing next to a concerned-looking Jane. Ms Morris approaches and glares at Daria, who raises a hand as she does in the original opening sequence. Morris glares harder and moves on to the guy’s side of the gym, where AP is trying to disentangle himself from the hockey net … again. Morris looks very much like her head might blow up.

Daria’s room. Daria typing intermittently. Bedside clock reads 2:57.

Lynn’s room. Lynn typing intermittently. Clock on desk reads 4:03.

Science class. Jane looking with some concern at Lynn, who is still writing, but has her head propped up on her fist and is gripping her hair in a manner that suggests that she might just collapse if she lets go.

History class. Jane and Jodie are looking with concern at Daria, who is slumped over and looks like one of the undead. Mr DeMartino looks at Daria for a moment, then brings a cup of coffee from his desk and offers it to Daria. She nods a weary thanks and sips. End montage.)

(Scene: Pizza King. Music: ‘Insomnia’ by Faithless. Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP are sitting in a booth. Daria and Lynn are still writing, occasionally remembering to take idle bites of their pizza. Jane and AP are watching them. After awhile, they realise they’re not going to get a response from these two and Jane turns to AP. She notes the bruise on his left cheek.)

Jane: That from gym class?

AP: Yep. A brief encounter with the wall while chasing the damn puck. (sigh) I hate floor hockey. Everything about the concept sucks.

Jane: Oh, come on, you nearly knocked Kevin’s teeth right out of that damned grin of his. That’s got to be worth something.

AP: (reluctant grin) Okay, that’s SOMETHING…

(Enter Jodie and Mack.)

Jodie: Hi, guys.

Jane: Yo.

AP: Hey. (idea forms) Hey Mack, could I talk to you a minute?

Mack: Sure. (AP gets up and they walk to another table.)

Jane: Hey, Daria. Lynn. Someone’s saying hello here.

Daria & Lynn: (in unison, not looking up) Mmm.

Jodie: What’s wrong with them?

Jane: You remember constantly competing against yourself?7

Jodie: (dubious) Yeah…

Jane: Well, take that, add someone who’s a lot like you who you’re ALSO competing against, and then you will find out what’s wrong with them.

Jodie: Ouch. (beat) Why aren’t they taking their own advice?

Jane: It’s a matter of personal pride. I have a feeling they’re competing for the right to wear the identity of Lawndale High’s Misery Chick. (beat; sigh) Again.8

Jodie: I think that makes sense. In a sick, twisted, oh-so-much-like-them sort of way.

(Cut to Mack and AP’s table. Music plays on.)

Mack: Let me guess. This is about the hockey.

AP: (sheepish) How’d you guess?

Mack: Well, it’s obvious you need help. And since you don’t talk to any of the other guys…

AP: Yeah. Good point. (Mack raises an eyebrow) So … what am I doing wrong? I mean, I don’t really LIKE sports but I’d like to get through a game without a maiming.

Mack: Well … I think your problem is that you’re trying too hard at something you don’t like. There’s no motivation for you to get it right, so all your efforts go into … well…

AP: Screwing up?

Mack: Well .. yeah. (beat) Anyway, I may have the solution for you. (to AP’s hopeful look) Have you ever seen Daria play volleyball?

(AP raises an eyebrow at Mack, who gives an ironic little smile.)

(Back to the other table. Music plays on. Jodie has taken the spot next to Daria that AP vacated.)

Jodie: (slightly desperate) But you both KNOW you’re good at writing. Why get into this sort of state about it? I mean, it’s not like Highlander, you know – there can be more than one.

Jane: Jodie, I’ve got to admire your persistence, but I don’t think it’ll do any good.

Jodie: Why not? I mean, they helped me this way…

Jane: Well, for one thing, they’re less nice and more stubborn than you are. And anyway… (pan to Lynn and Daria, face down on their notebooks, fast asleep.) … they’re not listening.

(Jodie sighs and shakes her head. Jane shrugs. Mack and AP return, both grinning.)

Jodie: Well, at least SOMEONE’S happy.

AP: Oh yeah! (beat) Hey, the Sandman finally hit the Bobbsey Twins! It’s about time!

Jodie: Maybe we should wake them up and get them home.

Jane: If we do that, all we’ll be doing is encouraging them to go back to their computers and continue to wear themselves into the ground. Best leave them for now.

(Jodie and Mack look confused, then look to AP as if for confirmation. He nods. At this point, Daria stirs slightly and sits up. She blinks at Jodie.)

Daria: Oh. Hey, Jodie.

Jodie: Daria, you look awful. Maybe you should go home and get some rest.

Daria: I’m okay, Jodie. The nap did me a lot of (yawn) good.

Jane: (sarcasm) Oh yeah, I can FEEL the vitality pouring out of you.

Daria: (looking at Lynn; slightly smug) More than her. (beat) Look, I’m going home. Even considering my oblivious or overworked parents and my own best efforts to remain invisible, someone at home is bound to have noticed I’m gone.

(Jodie reluctantly gets out of the booth. Daria gets out, staggers slightly as she stands, and walks out. AP sits down in the spot she vacated. Mack grabs a chair and sits at the head of the table.)

Jodie: (resuming her place) I feel awful. I mean, I really want to help but…

AP: There’s not a lot you can do. This is a writer-thing, not just a competition-thing. The two together … deadly.

Jane: And they don’t feel like individuals anymore. I think it scares them … but don’t EVER tell them I told you that.

(Lynn stirs and sits up.)

Lynn: Mrph?

Jane: You just missed Prince Charming. He went that way. (doesn’t bother to point)

Lynn: (blearily angry) Mrr… (gesture) Garçon! Coffee!9

Jane: They don’t DO table service here.

Lynn: Mmph. Right. Home. Coffee. Later. (looks at Jane, who is blocking her way out) Move.

Jane: Magic words?

Lynn: ‘Do it now or die’?

Jane: ‘I am going home to get some sleep’.

Lynn: I can wait this out, Jane. I did notice you had three large sodas with your pizza.

(Jane glares at Lynn, who gives a weary smirk. Then Jane gets up and walks out of shot, and Lynn slides out of the booth. Then she notices Mack and Jodie and blinks.)

Lynn: How long have you been here?

Jodie: Long enough. How can you tell me to not give a damn about other people and what they think and then go and do the opposite?

Lynn: Hypocrisy is a wonderful thing, Jodie. (beat) Sorry, but it’s not about pleasing anyone. And what it is about is none of your business. Now if you’ll excuse me…

(Lynn walks off. Jodie and Mack turn to AP, who shrugs with a morose sigh.)

END ACT 2 – ADVERTS [Lead-in: Jodie and Jane looking at the sleeping look-alikes]

KFC: Because their new fajita-style thing is called a "Twister", a cartoon Colonel Sanders is disco-dancing in this one. Well, it’s not as bad as the Phantom Menace promos were…

McCain Micro-Pizzas: Brothers start fighting over microwave pizza – as if. Big sister steals pizza – fine. Brothers do nothing. That’s not MY experience of sibling rivalry…


(Scene: Morgendorffer kitchen. Music: ‘Push It’ by Garbage. Daria is on the verge of falling face-first into her cereal. Helen looks over at her – instant and, for a change, not completely ersatz concern appears on her face.)

Helen: Daria … sweetie, are you feeling okay?

Daria: Fine, Mom. Why?

Helen: Well, for one thing, you didn’t evade that question.

Daria: Oh. Didn’t I? Damn. I must be losing my touch.

Helen: Daria, I think you should stay home from school today. You’re not looking well.

Daria: Mom, I’m FINE. Would you please just trust me to know my own limits? I’m nearly an adult now, after all.

(Daria gets up and exits. Helen looks after her, concerned and lost-looking.)

(Scene: LHS corridor. Music plays on. Jane is trailing after Daria down the corridor.)

Jane: Wait a minute. Your mother offered you a chance to skip school for a day, guilt-free. And you turned her DOWN? (beat) Daria, if that isn’t the sleep deprivation messing with your mind, I don’t know what else it could be! (beat) Daria, talk to me!

(Daria says nothing, just stops at her locker and opens it. There is yelling just out of shot.)

AP: (OS) Lynn, I know the signs – you’re on the stupid Turkish coffee again, aren’t you? (beat) Lynn, will you go home and get some rest? You know my mother’ll call you in sick even if Kate’s in … is it Hong Kong or Houston this time? (beat) Lynn, don’t make me pull out the knockout gas!10 (smack) OW! There’s no damn reason to hit me!

Jane: (to Daria) You’re as bad as each other, you know that? (Daria glares at her, and Jane realises she’s lost any ground she might have gained.) Look, I’m sorry; I shouldn’t have said that, but… (Daria slams her locker and walks off.) Damnit, Daria!

(Out of shot, there’s the sound of another locker slamming.)

AP: (OS) Damnit, Lynn! (footsteps; AP enters shot) This is bad.

Jane: Oh, yeah. (beat) DO you have the knockout gas?

AP: Sorry. I used most of it on Ms Li’s bomb-sniffer dogs during Operation Ace of Spades and what little I had left after that decomposed.11 It does that pretty quickly.

Jane: How long to make more?

AP: I don’t think it would do any good. (beat) And if it did, I’d have to contend with the wrath of Purple Peril. And Erudite Emerald…

Jane: (miserable) Daria would never speak to me again.

AP: It’ll be over soon.

Jane: Yeah. Yeah, it’ll all be over when this stupid contest closes.

(But they don’t look very convinced.)

(Scene: LHS gym. Music plays on. A whistle blows and we cut to Morris, looking apoplectic.)

Morris: McIntyre, put some LIFE into it!

(We see AP standing off to the side of the gym, not moving. The little orange ball serving as the puck rolls by him. A moment later, he holds his hockey stick out in a half-hearted ‘attempt’ to hit it. Just like Daria with the volleyball in the original opening sequence.)

Morris: (OS) DAMNIT, McIntyre!

(AP grins. Morris stalks over to the girls’ side of the gym and stands before a sagging, near-lifeless Daria.)

Morris: Morgendorffer, MOVE YOUR TAIL!

Jane: No, that’s not Daria. It’s just a puppet. She only moves when I pull her strings.

Daria: (groggy) Damn you, Lane…

Jane: Or jerk her chain…

(Morris rolls her eyes and chooses her next target.)

Morris: And CULLEN! That arm of yours healed yet?

(Cut to Lynn, who’s walking into the gym in a halting sort of way. Three steps into gym, she stops, swaying slightly.)

Lynn: (quiet misery) Oh … crap. (collapses on the floor.)

(There is a silence.)

Morris: (to Jane) Get her to the nurse. (looks twice at Daria) And take her too.

Jane: I could use some help if I’m taking them both…

Morris: Take McIntyre. Get him out of my sight! (mutter) Stupid little punks think they’re too GOOD for team spirit…12 (walks off muttering)

(AP runs over and looks down at Lynn for a moment. Then looks at Daria, who looks about ready to join Lynn in unconsciousness. Then sighs.)

AP: We’ll take them to your house and I’ll take a quick pit stop to mine. I have an idea.

(Scene: Jane’s room. Music: "I Don’t Like The Drugs (But The Drugs Like Me) – Marilyn Manson. Pan from two empty glasses on top of dresser to Daria and Lynn, who are sprawled out on the bed, dead to the world. Jane and AP smirk at each other.)

AP: Well, that worked!

Jane: Never underestimate the power of prescription medication. (beat) Isn’t your mother going to notice the missing Valium?13

AP: (quiet) Um … no. Not really.

(Jane sees the consternation on AP’s face and lets the subject drop.)

Jane: Isn’t the contest due to close soon?

AP: Day after tomorrow. If I know anything about Purple Peril, the story’s already perfect, but she’ll keep tweaking it until the deadline.

Jane: I’m glad they’re not awake. That’s about what Daria does. (beat) But I don’t think they can survive another couple of days of this.

AP: (casual) So if we submitted their entries as is … what do you think the reaction would be?

Jane: (equally casual) Well, they’d PROBABLY try to kill us … but they wouldn’t be able to DO anything about it. And it would force them to drop the crusade. And they’d probably forgive us eventually…

AP: Can you get into Daria’s house?

Jane: No problem.

AP: (grim) Let’s do it.

(Scene: Morgendorffer living room. Music plays on. Jane walks in through the unlocked front door, sees Jake asleep on the sofa with a half-empty [or half-full; whatever] Martini glass by his side, shrugs and walks upstairs.)

(Scene: Lynn’s room. Music plays on. We hear the slight scraping sound of a laminated card being used to jimmy a window lock open. The window slides up and AP slips in through the window. He approaches Lynn’s computer.)

(Scene: Jane’s room. Music plays on. Daria and Lynn are still fast asleep. Jane and AP walk in, smirking with glee.)

AP: Mission accomplished?

Jane: Even though I have to wonder about Daria’s parentage, it’s times like these I’m glad Jake’s an oblivious goofball. No problems.

AP: Lucky you. Password protects everywhere. But done anyway.

(They look at their friends for a moment and their faces go thoughtful and worried.)

Jane: Do you REALLY think they’ll forgive us at some point?

AP: (grim) I’d rather they never forgave me than watch them break.

(They mull that over, then nod at each other. Jane switches on the TV.)

SSW Announcer: She got virtually smooched by a sick friend 3,000 miles away … and got the flu herself! Computer viruses that bite HARD next on Sick Sad World!

(Scene: Jane’s room, sometime later. AP has gone home and SSW has given way to music videos so music: "Wake Up" by Korn. Jane is painting a picture of Daria and Lynn in those cryogenic freezing tubes they show on the movie "Lost In Space". And they stir. [the real versions, not the pictures – what the hell kind of writer do you think I AM?])

Daria: Hmrph.

Lynn: Wsphg…

(They open their eyes and look at each other for a moment. And then…)

Daria & Lynn: (in unison) AUGH!

(They bound out of bed – Daria to the right, Lynn to the left – and then fall over. Jane laughs.)

Jane: Well, well! The day of the Resurrection is at hand!

Daria: What…

Lynn: (slightly quicker to wake) Very amusing. I’m assuming that, after AP spiked the sodas, he ran like a cowardly dog?

Jane: Well … yeah. And one other thing. (sigh) You’re not going to like this…

(Scene: Lane house, exterior.)


Lynn: STOP hitting you? It’s ‘Being Hit on the Head’ lessons in here!14

(Black screen. White writing in Daria font reads "One week later".)

(Scene: Lynn’s room. Music: "Gotta Get Away" – Offspring. Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP are sitting on the bed, staring at the computer, not moving.)

Daria & Lynn: (in unison) I don’t want to look. (they look at each other dubiously)

Jane: I’m really sorry – again. We thought…

Daria: We know, we know – the best of intentions.

Lynn: (sigh) Well, here goes…

(She logs on … but before she goes on the Net, she checks her e-mail through long-standing habit. She frowns … then looks back at Daria.)

Lynn: Hey, there’s a message here from the Subversion Is We people – copied to both of us.

Daria: What’s it say?

Lynn: Dear contest entrant, thank you for your entry, yadda-yadda-yadda … (beat; aghast) Due to the similarity of the entries "The Overthrow of Pamela Wu"15 and "The Flack-Jacket Mafia vs. The Nazi Jackboot", we could not make any kind of judgement between them. Therefore we regret to inform you that both entries have been disqualified.

(Deadly, loaded pause as Daria and Lynn stare at the computer screen. They turn to each other at the same time, stricken looks on their faces. Then Daria turns and walks out. As she does, Lynn stands up, walks to her wardrobe, opens the door and walks in. She shuts the door and the sound of a deadbolt being slid home is distinctly heard.16 Then there is silence. Jane and AP look at each other for a moment.)

Jane: Daria! (runs out after Daria)

AP: Purple Peril? (sits down in front of the wardrobe and sighs. Thought VO) This is gonna be a long night…



1) The new teaser opening sequence comprised of events from series 2, for the most part.

2) Anyone remember "The New Kid"? When the Dewitt-Clintons visit the Morgendorffers?

3) Yes, I know someone who lived like this.

4) That whole scene is from Lynn and AP’s past in Oakwood. One day I may post "LAS – The Oakwood Years" for my own personal edification.

5) I watched "Starship Troopers" one time too many. I’m hoping to exorcise that line.

6) Ted is Quinn’s new boyfriend. It started in "Trick or Trent" and came to a head in "Kiss and Tell"/"Love Him or Leave Him". I don’t know where I got that idea, but it seems to work.

7) Read all about the emancipation of Jodie Landon in "Grating Expectations".

8) The competition between the Look-Alikes begins in earnest in "Rue Britannia".

9) Pulp Fiction, anyone? ‘Pumpkin’? No?

10) AP brewed knockout gas for Ms Li’s bomb-sniffer dogs in "World Geek Show". It works on humans too … well, it worked on Kevin, anyway.

11) Operation Ace of Spades is the code-name Austin Loomis came up with in his prose adaptations for the events of "The Flack-Jacket Mafia". Homage paid, moving on.

12) After "See Jane Run", she WOULDN’T say this?

13) AP’s mother and Valium are mentioned in "World Geek Show" and a few other places. It may come in handy one day.

14) Monty Python’s Argument Sketch. Okay, so I like that sketch! And it fit two fics in a row!

15) Yet another homage to a prose adaptation of Austin Loomis – "World Geek Show" this time. One day I’ve gotta rewrite that fic to incorporate the pseudonyms for the teachers.

16) Lynn’s reaction is based on how she initially dealt with the events of "Kiss and Tell" when I got around to "Love Him or Leave Him".


Daria and related characters owned by MTV, a Viacom company (created by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn). Lynn Cullen and AP McIntyre were created and are owned by Janet "Canadibrit" Neilson, copyright 1999, 2000. I’ve credited Monty Python in the endnotes and given all song titles with the names of the bands that played them. Don’t sue me – it’s not worth it. Feel free to archive this fic (tell me where it is, though, please) but if you want to use my characters, ask first or face my wrath … and my wrath is mighty.