(Opening sequence. Music: "Youíre Standing On My Neck" by Splendora.1

Daria and Lynn sit side by side in Ms Liís office, looking warily at each other.

Daria and AP standing outside the Morgendorffer house, kissing. Jake rushes out the front door waving a golf club over his head in a threatening manner.

Daria behind the wheel of Lynnís car, with AP leaning around behind her to yell at Sandi and Tiffany, who are driving next to them. Flying hair indicates that they are going at speed.

LHS corridor. Quinn walks past Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP wearing an outfit much like one that Daria or Lynn would wear Ė rose pink cardigan, cream turtleneck, knee-length denim skirt and flats.

LHS corridor. Lynn walks past Daria and Jane wearing something that Quinn would wear Ė purple T-shirt showing off her midriff, black boot leg jeans, high heels.

Nightclub dance floor. Daria gets shoved to the floor by a sneering burly lout of a guy. Jane and AP, standing behind him, look at each other and then they both hit him.

Hospital corridor. Daria holds her head in her hands Ė obviously crying. Trent, looking nervous, puts an arm around her.

Nightclub stage. Lynn, looking resigned, slings Trentís guitar over her shoulder.

Lynnís room. Daria and Lynn sit side-by-side, staring at the computer screen. They turn to each other at the same time, stricken looks on their faces.

Daria and Lynn side-by-side again, smirking slightly. As the original montage sequence, the camera pulls in and then out again to reveal two interlocking circles; one contains the Daria logo and the other contains a corresponding ĎLynní version. Underneath are the words: "Daria inÖ"


MISS CONCEPTION

(A Daria Fan Fiction Ė Episode 3 of The Look-Alike Series Season 2)


(Scene: Cullen house, exterior. The sun is shining; a solitary bird is twittering. For a moment, all is peaceful. Then the quiet is shattered by the opening chords of "Everything Zen" by Bush.)


(Scene: Lynnís room. Music plays on. A tiny shaft of light filters through a gap between Lynnís heavy curtains Ö enough to let us see the lump of covers on Lynnís bed shift slightly.)

Lynn: (groggy; muffled) AwÖ

(Lynnís arm gropes out from underneath the covers for a slim remote control resting on the bedside table. She pats the surface of the table a few times, fumbles the remote, then grabs it securely and sits up, aiming it at her stereo and turning the music down. She sets the remote control back on the table and just sits there for a moment, blinking sleepily. Then her face takes on a greenish cast and she scrambles out of bed and bolts out of the room with her hand over her mouth.)


(Scene: Cullen house, exterior. Music plays on. We hear Lynn being rather violently sick.)


(Scene: LHS corridor. Music plays on. Daria and AP are walking down the corridor side by side. They donít hold hands or anything, but they are close enough for their shoulders to brush occasionally. They stop and Daria opens her locker.)

AP: (continuing conversation) So she called this morning to ask if my mom could call her in sick. (beat) She MUST be bad off; Purple Peril usually has to be on her deathbed before she admits sheís sick.

Daria: Did she say what was wrong with her?

AP: Stomach problems.

Daria: Yeah, well, itís been going around. Jane was down with it the other day Ė itís a pretty nasty virus.

(Enter Jane.)

Jane: So whereís Lynn?

AP: Fighting to keep her own stomach lining down, apparently.

Daria: (grossed-out) That was a little more information than we really needed, thanks, AP.

Jane: So who called her in sick? I thought her mom was in LA this week.

AP: She is. My mom called in for her.

Jane: Sheíd do that?

AP: For Lynn, yes. Itís long-standing tradition. My momís used to the situation at Casa Cullen by now2.

(Daria shuts her locker and the threesome start down the hall again, Daria being flanked by Jane and AP.)

Daria: Do you think we should check up on her?

Jane: *I* should. You two have so far escaped the dreaded stomach bug and you donít want to expose yourselves to it. Whereas Iíve already had it.

AP: Yeah, I guess someone has to do the tea and toast routine. (beat; to Daria) Hey, the dollar theatreís showing ĎDogmaí. Want to go?

Daria: (blush) Okay. (beat; stern) So long as no automotive vehicles are involved3

(AP blushes. Jane smirks.)


(Scene: Cullen house, exterior. The front door opens and Lynn stands there in an her grey T-shirt that reads "F*** ĎEm & Their Law" with black and white checked boxer shorts and purple fluffy slippers. She looks a bit pale, but more frightened than sick. She studies Jane warily.)

Lynn: (tentative) Hey, Jane.

(We see Jane giving Lynn a concerned look. She knows what that top means.4)

Jane: Yo. Just checking to make sure you havenít puked your guts out or anything.

Lynn: (weak smile) No, nothing like that. Iíve only been sick once, really. Now I just feel Ö weird.

(Lynn looks worried and evasive. Jane gives her a suspicious look.)

Jane: So Ö can I come in? Trentís shaking plaster off the ceiling in the basement and Daria and AP are out on a date. (beat) Theyíre being unbelievably soppy. (Lynn raises an eyebrow.) Well, for Daria, anyway.

Lynn: (sigh) Sure. Even YOUR company is better than soap operas and talk shows.

Jane: (wry) Thanks. Iíll try not to let your ever-eloquent praise go to my head.


(Scene: movie theatre, exterior. Music: "Heloise" by Me Mom & Morgentaler. Daria and AP stand in line for tickets.)

Daria: So you know Kevin Smith films Ö how do you think this one will rate?

AP: (musing) Well Ö itís never gonna beat ĎClerksí, but anything that pokes as much fun at the church establishment as THIS movie promises to has got to be interesting at the very least.

Daria: If only to see what precautions theyíve taken to avoid outright blasphemy and how many religious groups try to get the thing banned.

(AP laughs. Daria smirks. Then they hear a pair of familiar voices from behind them.)

Kevin: (OS; reading from poster) Um Ö ĎDog Ö maí. (beat) Oh, hey, cool, babe! Dogs!

Brittany: (OS) Oh, like Lassie! I LOVE Lassie; heís so CUTE!

(Daria and AP roll their eyes. Shot widens to include Kevin and Brittany, who notice Daria and AP.)

Brittany: Oh, HI, Daria! Did you come to see the doggie movie too?

(Daria sighs in a Ďhere we go againí way and turns to face Brittany.)

Daria: Brittany, this movie doesnít have any dogs in it.

Kevin: (cheerful) Boy, Daria, for a brain, you sure are dumb sometimes. It says right here Ė (points at the movie poster) ĎDog-maí.

Daria: Kevin, dogma is ONE word. It means the laws of the Church.

(Pause as Kevin thinks this one over.)

Kevin: Oh. (beat) Then, this movieís gonna be, like, monks and stuff? And that old guy in the funny hat?

Daria: (sigh) No, Kevin. (indicates movie poster) See the guys with the wings and haloes? Itís about angels.

(Pause as Kevin thinks THIS one over)

Kevin: Oh. (beat; to Brittany) That kinda sounds like itís gonna suck, babe.

AP: (matter-of-fact) Thereís a stripper in it. And one of the angels packs a VERY big gun.

(Another pause for Kevinís brain to take in new information.)

Kevin: Really? (beat) COOL!

Brittany: Ick! (to Daria) Guys are so Ö like Ö ICKY sometimes, arenít they, Daria?

(Daria looks taken aback [for her])

Daria: (incredulous) Brittany Ö are you trying to talk to me about boyfriends?

Brittany: (twirls a ponytail around her finger) Well, sure! I mean, that AP guy IS your boyfriend, isnít he?

Daria: (blush) In a way Ö yes.

Brittany: (ecstatic) He IS! I have something in common with a BRAIN! We both have BOYFRIENDS! (curious) Does he put his hands up your bra all the time, because Kevvie says ALL guys do that and he does it a LOT andÖ

Daria: (interrupting) Brittany?

Brittany: (ponytail twirling) Yes?

Daria: No offence, but Iím not touching this conversation. I just want to go on my date and be left alone. So Iíd appreciate if you and Kevin could go Ö do whatever it is you two do on a date and let me go back to my own.

Brittany: (unfazed) Okay!

(She steps back towards Kevin and AP resumes his place at her side.)

AP: Well handled, Erudite Emerald!

Daria: I think Iíve just proved that ignorance is bliss. Itís useful to be too dumb to understand when someoneís insulting you.


(Scene: Lynnís room. Music: "Stupid Girl" by Garbage. Lynn is sitting up in bed, staring at a book titled "Small-Cell Terrorism for Beginners" in a manner that suggests sheís not actually reading it. Jane is sitting on the edge of the bed and staring outright at Lynn. Eventually, Lynn looks up.)

Lynn: (weakly annoyed) Didnít your mother ever tell you that itís not polite to stare?

Jane: (smug) Nope. So now that Iíve made you break the silence, you gonna tell me whatís wrong?

Lynn: Nope.

Jane: (sigh) Twenty Questions it is, then. (beat) Still upset over the thing between you and Trent at New Year5?

Lynn: (sharp) There IS no Ďthingí. New Yearís little incident was a drunken one-off, and it killed any romantic fantasies that I may Ö repeat, MAY Ö have harboured about your brother. Now change the subject.

Jane: (expression of ĎOkayÖí) Well, THAT was informative. Is this why you went off about what happened to your car? I mean, you donít usually lay such casual blame Ė it was Sandiís fault, really.6

Lynn: I know, and in a way youíre right Ė Iíve had a lot on my mind and needed a bit of mindless revenge. But I DID keep off of Daria and AP's been my punching bag of old Ö and anyway, a bit of venting clears the head. One day in the not too distant future Iím going to make sure Sandi gets hers. But Iím not angry about that anymore, anyway.

Jane: Then why so bitter?

Lynn: Iím NOT.

(Janeís face takes on a thoughtful expression Ė sheís mulling this over.)

Jane: (thoughtful) You were sick this morning and now youíre fine. (eyes wide; epiphany) This drunken one-off Ö did it involve a condom at all?

(Lynn doesnít answer. She slinks down into a fetal curl and pulls the blankets over her head.)

Jane: (hopeless) THAT course of action suggests that youíre not on the Pill, either.

Lynn: (muffled; miserable) Iím allergic. (beat; she sits up a little and shows her face) Look, itís just a stomach bug or Ö or something I ate Ė Iím fine.

Jane: And you donít believe a word of what youíre saying.

Lynn: (slinking under the covers again) I donít want to go into thisÖ

Jane: (angry) Well, youíre gonna HAVE to, potential-mother-of-my-niece! You and my idiot brother BOTH! DAMNIT, Lynn didnít you THINK?

(Lynn sits bolt upright, looking enraged.)

Lynn: (angry) Was there TIME? One minute heís kissing me and the nextÖ

(Jane holds up her hands and shudders)

Jane: Letís NOT go there; some things a sister should never hear about.

(Thereís a pause as the two girls collect themselves.)

Lynn: (reasonable) Jane, itís probably not that anyway. I mean, stomach fluís been rampant all over Lawndale High latelyÖ

Jane: I can confirm THAT.

Lynn: ÖAnd Iíve been under so much stress lately that itís no surprise thatÖ

Jane: (horrified) Youíve SKIPPED?

Lynn: (glum) It DOES happen from time to time, Jane.

Jane: (panicked) Well, yeah, but under the circumstancesÖ (sigh) Well, Iíll come with you to pick up a test kit if you want. You know, as moral support.

Lynn: Iím not getting tested, Jane. No way. Not yet.

Jane: ButÖ

Lynn: (scared and angry in equal measure) I canít HANDLE this right now, Jane! Iíll do this in my own way and in my own time, so DONíT PUSH ME!

(Uncomfortable silence)

Jane: Lynn Ö (sigh) Never mind. (beat) Are you at least going to tell Trent?

Lynn: (weak smirk) Why bother? Itís none of his business at the end of the day. He meant to have gone with DARIA. (bitter) Bet SHEíS not allergic to the PillÖ

(Jane looks at Lynn with some concern, but Lynn has turned back to her book.)


(END ACT 1 Ė BEGIN ADVERTS [Lead-in: Jane glaring at Lynn as she slides under the covers.]

Butlins: This is a chain of holiday resorts that you find here in the UK. The TV advert shows how you too can get rid of your kids for a few hours Ė just hand them over to some moron who will take them jogging, swimming and on all sorts of hot, tiring activities while wearing a tiger costume.

Tesco: A grocery store whose latest great idea is "from mouse to house" internet grocery ordering service. Yes, *I* trust some moron of a bag-boy to choose my groceries and then drive them across a busy cityÖ

Had enough? Good. Theyíre over.)

(Scene: Morgendorffer living room. Music: "A Question of Trust" by Depeche Mode. Jake has moved the coffee table to the end of the room and is clandestinely practising his putting into an empty juice glass. He takes aim, putts, misses and goes to retrieve his golf ball, at which point a magazine catches his eye. We see the cover Ė itís a copy of "Good Parenting Guidelines" and one of the featured articles is titled: "Is Your Child Sexually Active? 10 Ways To Know For Sure!" Jake picks up the magazine with interest, golf club still in hand. His eyes go wide after a moment.)


(Scene: Morgendorffer house, exterior. Music plays on. Daria and AP walk into the shot and down the road towards the front walk, holding hands.)

AP: I thought the special effects were DAMN cool! Could barely tell they were CGI!

Daria: Well, yeah. I was more impressed that the special effects actually added to the story rather than just being tossed in because of some implicit film industry belief that no movie can possibly be worth watching without five or more car crashes and at least two building-levelling explosions.

(AP chuckles. They reach the front walk and stop. They turn to face each other.)

Daria: Well, I guessÖ

AP: Hey!

Daria: (startled) What?

AP: Do you realise that this, our second date, went off without a single hitch?

Daria: (shy) So it did. (beat; dry) Unless you count Brittany and Kevin at the movies.

AP: Letís not. (beat) Would it be okay to press my luck a little further tonight?

Daria: (blush) I guess soÖ

(Dar a and AP kiss, which lasts. After a few seconds, the front door flies open and Jake barges out and runs down the walk towards them, brandishing his putter.)

Jake: (shouting) ALL RIGHT, THATíS ENOUGH! DONíT MAKE ME BREAK OUT THE HOSE!

(Daria and AP move apart, blushing fiercely. Jake reaches them and lowers the golf club.)

Jake: (stern; to Daria) Well, Kiddo, arenít you going to introduce me to your *ahem* Ďfriendí here?

(Daria blushes and looks a bit flustered, but AP steps in, holding out a hand in greeting.)

AP: Andrew Philip McIntyre, sir. AP for short. Pleased to meet you.

(Out of long habit, Jake shakes APís hand, then glares coldly at Dariaís boyfriend.)

Jake: (suspicious) Youíre that cult boy, arenít you?

Daria: (mortified) Dad!

AP: (confused) Sir?

Jake: (off on one of his rants) I donít want my eldest daughter, with so much potential, to go running around and being drawn into some Ö some COMMUNE full of David Koresh LOONIES!

Daria: Dad, youíre thinking of TED. And he wasnít IN a cult of ANY description7.

AP: (blithe) Besides, youíve got no problem with your OTHER daughter seeing Ted8Ö

Jake: (shocked) Quinnís dating BROTHER TED?

Daria: Heís NOT in a CULT, Dad!

(Daria shoots AP a death glare. AP looks confused and remorseful.)

Jake: (sharp) So what ARE you into, young man?

AP: (proud) Computers, sir!

(This seems to diffuse Jake. He smiles and holds out his hand again. AP takes it out of politeness.)

Jake: (cheerful) Good boy! Wave of the future, those little machines! (to Daria) Donít be too long, Kiddo. (mood swing; angry) Iím going to wait for Quinn and when she gets inÖ

(He turns around and walks back into the house, muttering to himself. Daria and AP stare at each other a moment.)

AP: Spoke too soon about tonight going off without a hitch, right?

Daria: Murphyís law. (beat) Look, Iíd better get in there and do some damage control before Quinn gets home.

AP: (shamefaced) Sorry about that. I didnít realiseÖ

Daria: Donít worry about it. Itíll blow over. If Dad gets really tenacious about the cult thing, Iíll talk to Mom. (beat; shy) Good night.

(AP takes her hand, kisses it briefly, squeezes it once and lets go.)

AP: Later, Erudite Emerald.

(AP walks off. Daria watches him go, blushing bright red but smiling a sweet little smile. Then her mood is broken by a voice from the house.)

Helen: (OS) DARIA! Why is your father babbling about Jim Jones?

(Daria sighs, the smile fading. Then she turns and walks into the house.)


(Scene: Janeís room. Music: "Haunting Me" by Stabbing Westward. Jane is painting an abstract work Ė deep grey, violet and yellow ochre. It screams worry. Trent pokes his head through the door.)

Trent: Hey, Janey.

Jane: (morose) Go away.

(Trent looks slightly startled, then enters warily. Jane grabs a clean brush, dips it in some blood red paint and then attacks the canvas with it Ė now the painting looks angry and defensive.)

Jane: Do you listen when people talk?

Trent: You okay?

Jane: (sarcastic) Peachy.

Trent: Can I help?

Jane: (mutter) Youíve done too damn much already.

(Trent caught that, and looks more confused.)

Trent: Huh?

(Jane opens her mouth, sighs and decides to keep her mouth shut.)

Jane: Never mind. Just know that youíre a moron.

(Trent now looks offended.)

Trent: Lay off, Janey! I donít know what I did to piss you off, butÖ

Jane: (yelling) Get out of here, you oblivious stooge!

(Jane, having reached the end of her tether, wheels to face him and flicks out with her paintbrush as she says this, spattering him with red paint. There is a long pause as he looks at her for a moment, honestly surprised. Then he wipes his face with his hand and looks at her levelly.)

Trent: (calm) Not until you tell me what the hell I did wrong.

Jane: (still enraged) NEW YEAR, you idiot! Remember Lynn?

(Trent goes beet red for a second, then just looks remorseful.)

Trent: (sad) Sheís still angry, huh?

Jane: (angry mutter) Not as such. (beat; she knows she canít avoid telling him now) Her Ďfriend from Red Bankí didnít show.

Trent: (oblivious) Who?

Jane: (exasperated sigh) She skipped a period and threw up this morning.

Trent: (still oblivious) So what does thatÖ (realisation hits and Trent goes very still.) SheísÖ

Jane: (calmer) She wonít get a test kit. She says itís probably nothing and maybe sheís right. But I can tell sheís scared and frankly, so am I. (beat; angry again) Why the HELL didnít you use anything?

Trent: (still stunned)

Jane: (ignoring him) Sheís not on the Pill, either.

Trent: (scared) CrapÖ

Jane: I donít believe you could be so stupid! DAMN, Trent!

Trent: JaneyÖ

(Shocked and broken, he sits heavily on the bed. Jane sees the state heís in and softens.)

Jane: Iím sorry, Trent. That was too harsh.

Trent: (shaky) JaneyÖ (sigh) And she doesnít know for sure?

Jane: No Ö and Iíd give it a few days before you ask. Sheís not in a good state.

Trent: (miserable) What am I gonna DO, Janey?

(There is a pause. Jane sits down beside her brother and puts a hand on his shoulder.)

Jane: I donít know, Trent. (beat) I donít have a clue.


(Scene: Cullen house, exterior. Music: "Angry Chair" by Alice In Chains. AP, cheerful-looking, approaches the house, aimed not for the front door but for the trellis that climbs up the front of the house to an upstairs window. He just reaches it when we hear a door open. AP turns and the shot widens to show Lynn, dressed in her everyday outfit, slamming out of the house. Her face is tight and angry.)

AP: Hey, Purple Peril! (sees her face; reacts) Whoa, whatís wrong?

(Lynn apparently ignores him, sweeping past towards the garage. She flings the door up and steps inside.)

AP: Hey Ö Purple Peril?

(Lynn exits the garage with her motorcycle, turns around and yanks the garage door shut9.)

AP: (nervous) Talk to me, Purple Peril. Youíre freaking me out now.

(Lynn, minus helmet or any protective gear, mounts the cycle and puts the kickstand up. APís eyes widen.)

AP: (panicked) LYNN!

Lynn: (angry) WHAT?

AP: (stammering) Youíre NOT Ö motoring without a helmet! I mean Ö you Ö what, do you WANT to die?

(Lynn gives him a grim, scary little smile)

Lynn: At this point, I wouldnít say no.

(Without another word, she kicks the bike to life and takes off at great speed. AP stares after her, scared and at a total loss for what to do about this.)


(END ACT 2. BEGIN MORE ADVERTS [Lead-in: Jake bursting out of the house waving a golf club]

Chatline: You call such things 1-900 numbers. People pay exorbitant amounts of money to chat about sick sad things that you could chat about for a lot less money on the internet. Given that they charge £3.50 a minute at best, they could at least spring for an ad campaign that doesnít look like it started life as a media student project gone wrong.

Mad Ferret: A male fashion label. One of them goes "I can see clearly now Lorraine has gone" and it shows a fashionably dressed young man being flanked by women who would look more at home on a street corner as his girlfriend (whoís dressed like sheís going to a wedding) leaves a nightclub. Message Ė be in fashion and you too can be a slut.

Thatís all for this episode.)

(Scene: LHS corridor. Music: "Black Hole Sun" by Soundgarden. Daria is collecting books at her locker, flanked by Jane and AP. Both of the latter look pale and worried. Daria shuts her locker and looks around.)

Daria: Lynn still out sick?

AP: (miserable) I donítÖ

(Before he can finish, Lynn walks Ė or rather limps Ė past the threesome without a word. Both of her knees are badly scored with grazes and her jacket is torn out at both elbows.)

Daria, Jane & AP: (in unison) LYNN?

(Lynn stops, turns slowly, and manages a dispirited wave. Then she turns back and limps towards her locker.)

Daria: She still doesnít look well.

(Jane and AP say nothing, but the worried looks on their faces intensify.)


(Scene: Barchís class. Music plays on. Barch is standing at the head of the room. She pulls down a diagram of a womanís uterus.)

Barch: Right, class, today we will be starting the chapter on the human reproductive system Ė so you MEN canít feign ignorance and say, "No way, babe, you CANíT get pregnant the first time!".

(Kevin looks particularly startled at this. Lynn goes slightly green, claps a hand over her mouth, stands and bolts out of the room. After a second, Jane stands up and addresses Ms Barch.)

Jane: Ms Barch, can I go make sure sheís okay? I donít think sheís over that stomach flu yet.

Barch: (wincing as if in remembrance) Go right ahead. If sheís still feeling that ill, take her to the nurse.

(Jane stands up and makes her way out, while Ms Barch begins her lesson plan.)

Barch: Now, the opportunistic male pig, after an unsatisfying two-minutes of fumbling that HE has the nerve to call FOREPLAYÖ

(Jane rolls her eyes and exits.)


(Scene: LHS bathroom. Music plays on. Jane walks in and hears the sound of a toilet flushing. She sees a pair of boots under one of the stall doors and waits across from it. A lock clicks open and Lynn steps out, freezing like a deer in headlights when she spots Jane.)

Jane: Touchy subject?

Lynn: (grim) Drop it or Iíll drop YOU.

Jane: What happened to your knees?

Lynn: Ask AP.

(pause)

Jane: I told Trent.

Lynn: And your ability to keep a close confidence staggers me as always, Jane.

Jane: I blew up at him and it just sort of came out. Iím sorry. (beat) Anyway, he does have a right to know.

Lynn: (sigh) I know. I wasnít looking forward to telling him either, so maybe I should be thanking you.

Jane: Well, HEíS sure not.

Lynn: So heís taking it badly?

Jane: Let me put it this way; heís gone from narcoleptic to insomniac overnight.

Lynn: (wince) Ouch. (beat) I guess Iíd better talk to him?

Jane: Heíll want to know the score. For real, not just hopes or fears.

Lynn: Tough crap. *I* donít want to know for real yet. Iíve got time before the decisions I may have to make are taken out of my hands. I want to be in the right frame of mind before Iím presented with them.

Jane: (shrug) Just so you know.

(pause)

Lynn: (tentative) You Ö wonít mention this to the others?

Jane: Itís hard, Lynn. Dariaís my best friend. Sheís worried about you.

Lynn: Well, APís MY best friend and HEíS worried too. So I know. But do you really think that Daria will want to know that I might be pregnant after making wild and drunken whoopee with her former crush?

Jane: (thoughtful) Now that you mention it, no. (beat) But she may have to find out.

(Lynnís face goes pale and a little angry, and she turns away, slamming out of the bathroom. Jane shakes her head.)


(Scene: LHS cafeteria. Music: "Lucky" by Radiohead. Daria and AP sit across a table from one another. AP still looks worried. Daria looks shocked.)

Daria: No protection gear of ANY kind?

AP: No helmet, no leathers, no knee pads Ö nothing. (beat) I think she got off damn lucky, actually.

Daria: No kidding. And she wonít say why?

AP: Every time I ask, she tells me to go to hell. (beat) Iím really worried.

Daria: (matter-of-fact) I donít blame you. (beat) It could be fever. Delirium. She still looks sick Ė maybe this is all down to her still having stomach flu.

AP: (hopeful) You think?

Daria: What other reason could there be?

AP: (grave) With Purple Peril, you never know. Sheís the cat who walks by herself, that one.

(Worried silence)

Daria: Maybe we should keep an eye on her somehow. Make sure she doesnít do anything else stupid.

AP: Good luck. Sheíd brush us off like so many flies and do it anyway. (sigh)

(Daria reaches for his hand and gives it a reassuring squeeze. She looks a little surprised at herself, but soldiers on.)

Daria: Itíll be okay.

(AP gives her a grateful smile.)


(Scene: Trentís room. Music plays on. Trent is sitting on the edge of the bed, looking blank. A knock is heard at the door.)

Trent: Come in.

(Nick comes into the room.)

Nick: Hey, man.

Trent: (glum) Hey, Nick.

Nick: (perching next to Trent on the edge of the bed) Man, you look half-dead! Whatís up?

Trent: Youíve got a daughter, man10. How do you cope?

Nick: (reproving) Aw, Trent, you didnít knock some girl up, did you?

Trent: (sigh) Donít know. No test results yet. But maybe. (beat) So how DO you cope?

Nick: (thinks) God, I donít know. It was Ö well, the whole time Angela was pregnant, I thought, "this canít be happening Ė Iím no father figure". I was out of my mind. You remember.

Trent: (nods) Oh, yeah. The weekly anti-reality drink marathons.

Nick: Then I saw little Rachel (sigh) She was red and wrinkly and squalling like a banshee, but she was just Ö precious. I fell in love. Iím still in love. Thatís how I cope. (beat) And I really love Angela. That helps a lot.

Trent: (morose) Of course.

Nick: You donít love the girl?

Trent: I LIKE her, Nick. I respect her. I probably COULD love her if I tried, butÖ

Nick: Itís not worth it if you have to try too hard, man. The Monique years shouldíve taught you that11.

Trent: (reluctant smile) Yeah. (beat) But itís a moot point anyway. She doesnít love me either.

(Short silence. Nick claps Trent on the shoulder.)

Nick: Trent Ö youíll pull through it. People deal with worse every day. (beat) Hey, if it makes you feel any better, not only will I not ask who the maybe-mother is, but I wonít even mention this again unless you do.

Trent: Thanks, man.

(Cut to outside Trentís door. Lynn is standing against the wall; sheís obviously heard every word. She stands there a moment longer, a thoughtful look on her face, and then she slips away towards Janeís room.)


(Scene: Janeís room. Music plays on. Jane is flipping idly through an old sketchpad. Lynn enters, a determined look on her face.)

Lynn: I get a test tomorrow.

(Jane looks taken aback for a second, but recovers quickly and gives Lynn a reassuring smile. Lynn sighs wearily.)


(Scene: LHS corridor. Music: "All Apologies" by Nirvana. Jane is pacing frantically in front of a locker. Lynn approaches, her face completely neutral. Jane turns and faces her expectantly. There is a pause.)

Jane: Well?

Lynn: I didnít get a test.

Jane: (exasperated) LYNN!

Lynn: (smirk/blush) I didnít have to.

(Incredulous pause.)

Jane: You meanÖ

Lynn: Iíve never been so glad to have cramps in my life.

Jane: (ecstatic) YES!

(With impeccable timing, Daria approaches, looking completely at sea.)

Daria: (deadpan) Win the lottery?

Jane: (flustered) No Ö um Ö Lynn was just saying how she was finally over that flu. (blush) I guess Iíve been a bit worried.

Daria: So no more suicide runs around Lawndale on Amethyst?

Lynn: (mischievous) Well, I didnít say THATÖ

Daria: (Mona Lisa smile) Welcome back.


(Scene: Pizza King. Music plays on. Daria, Jane, and AP share a booth and a pizza.)

AP: Thanks for letting me know, guys.

Daria: Hey, Iím as glad as you are. Lynnís weird enough without this sort of thing.

AP: Still think it was the fever?

Daria: Probably. Fevers are weird things. Remind me to tell you about the fever dream I had once about anthropomorphic personifications of the holidays12.

AP: (shakes his head, bemused) Weird fevers plus weird people equal SERIOUSLY messed-up subconscious thought.

Daria: (to Jane) Hey, where is Lynn, anyway?

Jane: (evasive) She Ö had something to do.


(Scene: Lane kitchen. Music plays on. Trent walks over to the table with two cups of herbal tea, which he sets down as he sits. Pan across and up to see Lynn sitting across the table from him. She picks up the cup and sips.)

Lynn: I think we need to talk.


END

A NOTE OF THANKS

First and foremost, a big thank you goes out to Jacob, who suggested that Lynnís potential pregnancy after the events of "Rue Britannia" would be an interesting subplot at least. And to Diane Long, for two reasons: a) her suggestions about "Rue" made this plotline possible (I was going to have Lynn take the morning-after pill in England but it would have spoiled the drama of the ending) and b) her minor suggestions that fine-tuned the script you read at the moment.

ENDNOTES

1) Teasers Ė idea first presented to me by Crazy Nutso but a time-honoured sitcom tradition.

2) AP and Lynn are friends from WAY back, as I indicate in "And Then There Were Four". Iím trying to fit AP in as more of a three-dimensional character by giving him a past. Is it working?

3) In my recent fanfic "Mercedes Bends", Daria accidentally trashed Lynnís pride and joy Ė a silver Mercedes convertible.

4) In my fic "Swear To Be Different", Lynn wears that particular T-shirt when sheís particularly upset. I thought it was appropriate.

5) In my fanfic "Rue Britannia", Trent gets very drunk and winds up in bed with Lynn. He called her Daria at least once. This, understandably, irks her.

6) I got some comments wondering why Lynn didnít attack Sandi after what happened in the fic "Mercedes Bends". Here lies the perfect explanation to let me off the hook.

7) This is from the episode "The New Kid". Jake gets the impression that Tedís in a cult Ö from Quinn, ironically enough in my continuum.

8) In my fic "Trick-or-Trent", Ted starts courting Quinn as a secret admirer. She finds out who he is in "Kiss And Tell" and chooses him over the Fashion Club in "Love Him Or Leave Him".

9) Again, this is from my fic "Mercedes Bends". To replace her beloved car, she buys herself a Laverda 750 Strike, custom-painted purple. She calls it Amethyst.

10) I donít know where this came from originally, but itís a relatively common idea in fanfic circles that Nick has a girlfriend and daughter. I borrowed the concept as itís very useful here.

11) We first meet Monique in the episode "Pierce Me" and find out about her on-again, off-again relationship with Trent in the episode "Lane Miserables".

12) The much-maligned episode "Depth Takes A Holiday". The usual explanation for this one involves mind-altering chemicals. I went for something a little different.

PROTECTIVE STATEMENT

Daria Morgendorffer and related characters from the show were created by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn but are owned by and copyrighted to MTV, a Viacom company. They are used without permission but Iím legally protected by Campbell v. Acuff Rose Music and anyway, Iím not making money out of this and suing a low-paid person like me would be more trouble than itís worth. Lynn Cullen and AP McIntyre, however, are the creation and property of Janet "Canadibrit" Neilson. Anyone who would wish to borrow the latter characters must ask first or face being pecked to death by the nastiest city pigeons I can lay hands on. I hereby give permission for anyone to archive "The Look-Alike Series" provided I am given all due credit for writing it and it is freely available on a non-profit basis, but I would appreciate it if you could send me the URL so little bits of my personality arenít floating around the Net unchecked. Damage control is a must.