Al: Last time on "Daria – The Look-Alike Series"...1

(Scene: LHS Corridor. Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP are standing by Daria's locker.)

Li: (VO) …Lawndale High will be having another school dance a week from Saturday!

(Scene: Lane basement. Trent on stool. Lynn on floor.)

Lynn: Daria will be at this dance, because all of Lawndale High is being forced into it. If you happened to write a song about how you feel for her, she's bound to hear it, right?

Trent: (following) Yeah. (beat; angry) But what about that little redheaded punk friend of yours? I mean…

Lynn: AP? You mean to tell me that you feel threatened by a seventeen year old lunatic?

(Scene: Lynn's house. Daria online. Lynn lying on the bed in Daria's usual "something eating at my soul" pose.)

Daria: (stunned) I have a crush on two guys.

(Scene: LHS corridor. Daria, Jane and Lynn have converged on Lynn's locker. Quinn and the Fashion Club wander past.)

Quinn: (bouncing) He left another note! He's going to tell me who he is at the dance next Saturday!

(Scene: LHS gym. AP tilts Daria's chin up and kisses her on the lips, just as Trent is coming out of the DJ booth.)

(Trent slams his guitar through Max's bass drum, then smashes it on an amp and runs out.)

(Scene: LHS exterior. Trent and Lynn sitting side by side.. Daria and AP round the corner. Trent sees them together, grabs Lynn by the shoulders and kisses her.)

(Shot of Quinn sobbing.)

Quinn: (sobbing) Daria, I … I want to go HOME! Please take me home! I … he … I… (incoherent sobbing)

(Jane and Trent sit alone.)

Jane: (shouting) What the HELL did you do THAT for?

Trent: (miserable) Oh, man…

Al: And now, the conclusion.

(Opening sequence. Music: "You're Standing On My Neck", Splendora.

Ms Li's office. Daria and Lynn looking at each other with identical looks of assessment and deadpan curiosity.

Cullen house, exterior. AP drops to his knees and begins to salaam to Daria and Lynn, who are peering out an upstairs window.

LHS classroom. Daria, Jane and Lynn stand in a doorway, smirking. Jane carries a Polaroid camera.

Lane house, exterior. Daria, wearing a white peasant blouse, green half-corset, black skirt and black cloak with green satin lining [no glasses] stares in shock at Lynn, who wears an identical outfit bar the colour of the cloak lining and half-corset [purple] and an equally shocked look.

LHS corridor. Daria and Jane watched with bemusement as DeMartino drags a screaming Lynn past them by her ear.

LHS gymnasium. On a stage rigged at one end, Trent rams his guitar through a bass drum.

Science lab. AP, wearing safety goggles, pushes a button and ducks under the desk an instant before the model of Lawndale High that graces that desk blows up.

LHS corridor. Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP watch, smirking, as Ms Li is dragged down the hall handcuffed to a policeman. A camera crew whose equipment bears the Sick Sad World logo follows behind them.

Daria and Lynn side-by-side again, smirking slightly. As the original montage sequence, the camera pulls in and then out again to reveal two interlocking circles; one contains the Daria logo and the other contains a corresponding 'Lynn' version. Underneath are the words: "Daria in…"


A Daria Fan Fiction [LAS 1:11]

(Montage sequence. Music: "Break Stuff" by Limp Bizkit.

English class. AP tries to pass a note to Daria. Daria refuses to look at him and, VERY deliberately, tears up the piece of paper he's slipped onto her desk.

Science class. Lynn looks up at Jane with a tentative smile. Jane narrows her eyes. Lynn turns away quickly. Then her shoulders slump and she sighs.

Daria at her locker. Lynn at her locker some twenty feet away. They look at each other nervously and then quickly look away. In unison, they slam their lockers shut, turn and hurry away in opposite directions.

Jane in her room, watching TV. Trent appears in the doorway. Without looking at him, Jane gets up, crosses the room and slams the door in his face.

LHS parking lot. Lynn is headed for her Mercedes at a near-run, AP at her heels. When she jumps into the car, AP jumps in front of it and stands there, arms akimbo. She revs the motor threateningly and hits the accelerator, forcing him to jump out of the way or get run over as she roars out of the parking lot.

LHS cafeteria. Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP all sit at separate tables. Each looks miserable.

English class again. Lynn's desk is empty this time. Daria looks at the empty desk in a sad and nearly guilty way. A moment after she turns back to her desk, AP does the same. End montage.)

(Scene: Daria's locker. Music plays on. Jane passes Daria's locker, stops, takes a breath and then sighs.)

Jane: Hey.

Daria: (morose) Hey.

Jane: Um … wanna come over? New series of Sick Sad World…

(Daria glares at her, and Jane realises what she's said. Before she can take it back, Daria slams her locker and walks off. Jane sighs and moves on to her own locker. We cut to Jodie, who's obviously been observing all of this. She frowns, then goes after Jane.)

Jodie: Hey, Jane.

Jane: (morose) Hey.

Jodie: (unsure how best to begin) Um … sorry if I'm prying, but … I've got to ask.

Jane: (morose) What?

Jodie: (exasperated) What is WRONG with you guys?2

Jane: (lost) Huh?

Jodie: (frustrated sigh) Up until last week, you, Daria, Lynn and that AP guy were tight. You were wacky, Daria was sarcastic, Lynn was whimsically subversive and AP wouldn't shut up. But since Monday, you've been looking miserable. Daria has missed seventeen opportunities to crack wise to DeMartino – I've counted. Lynn's been … TENTATIVE. And that AP guy hasn't said ten words this week. And not one member of your group is talking to any OTHER member. No one's even ASKED why Lynn's not in today.

Jane: (shrug) I assumed she was sick. (beat; a bit worried) She IS just sick, isn't she?

Jodie: I don't know. She sure LOOKS sick. I took her home yesterday afternoon and from the looks of the house, she's given up sleep and nutrition in favour of coffee the last few days. (beat) I asked her what was wrong, but…

Jane: (curious about Lynn's side of the situation in spite of herself) But what?

Jodie: (thoughtful) Well … first she cursed musicians. Then hackers. Then guys in general. Then she called herself the Anti-Cupid and locked herself in that big wardrobe in her room. (beat; suspicious) You know what this is about, don't you?

Jane: (a bit ashamed) I … plead the Fifth.

Jodie: (sigh; fed up) Fine. But … would you talk to her? She's really not well and I don't know what to do about it.

(Jane looks away guiltily. Jodie sighs and walks off. Jane closes her locker and bangs her head against the door a few times.)

(Scene: LHS Cafeteria. Quinn is sitting at a table with the rest of the Fashion Club. She looks VERY troubled. The other Fashion Clubbers just look interested.)

Sandi: (coaxing) So come ON, Quinn. Who was this MYSTERY guy?

Quinn: (morose) Not right now. I'll tell you another time, okay?

Sandi: (angry) So we're not GOOD enough to hear about this guy, is THAT it, Quinn?

Quinn: (calm) No, that is NOT it, Sandi.

Sandi: (cruel) Or did he just stand you up, and you don't want to talk about it?

Quinn: (it's not getting to her) It's not that either, Sandi. Just drop it, okay? I'll talk about it when I'm ready.

(The calm statement phases Sandi, who's used to histrionics. She looks impressed.)

Sandi: (kind) Okay, Quinn. Let us know when you're willing to fill us in.

(Quinn goes back to her pondering. Sandi looks at the other girls, who all wear the same confused, hurt and worried expressions that she does.)

(Scene: Morgendorffer kitchen. Daria and Quinn both poking at their food, looking unhappy. Jake behind paper. Helen looks at both her daughters with a worried expression. Needing to vent and take her mind off her worry, she pounces on Jake.)

Helen: Jake, will you put the paper DOWN for once! (waving a hand at Daria and Quinn) Look, the GIRLS aren't reading anything … (mutter to herself) for a change…

Jake: (whiny) Aw, but HELEN, there's a new COMIC STRIP in this one!

(Helen grabs the paper away from him.)

Helen: Now we can FINALLY have a nice, relaxing family dinner and talk to each other like normal people!

Daria & Quinn: (in unison, morose) I'm not hungry. Excuse me.

(The sisters look at each other, momentarily curious. Then, still in unison, they shrug, stand up and leave the table.)

Helen: (cheated) Damn…

(She looks to Jake for conversation, but he has taken advantage of the distraction by taking his paper back. Helen sighs.)

(Scene: Daria's room. Music: "Medication" by Garbage. Daria is lying on the carpeting on her floor, staring at the ceiling. We hear a knock at the door.)

Daria: (deadpan, but her heart's not in it) Earth is full. Go home.3

(The door opens anyway. A glum Quinn enters and closes the door behind her.)

Daria: (a bit surprised) You're entering the padded room voluntarily. The end must be nigh.

Quinn: (resigned) I need your advice.

Daria: (listless attempt at sarcasm) And that's the sound a squadron of pigs makes as it flies formation over Lawndale.

Quinn: (angrily) I'm SERIOUS! (beat; quiet) You're the only one who can help me on this…

Daria: (relenting) I'd take this opportunity to torment you further, but it becomes clear to me that you're doing a better job than I am. (beat) What do you need, Quinn?

Quinn: You know about my Phantom admirer, right?4

Daria: The one whose Q's mean his hands are cute. Right.5

Quinn: His hands ARE cute. That's not the problem…

(Flashback: LHS gym, exterior. Chris Cornell's "Can't Change Me" is drawing to a close. Quinn and her admirer stop dancing and stand face to face. The Phantom reaches for his mask. We see only Quinn's face; her eyes widen as she sees who her admirer is…)

Quinn: (shocked) TED?

(Back to present. Daria is staring at Quinn, wide-eyed.)

Daria: Ted as in Ted Dewitt-Clinton? The home-schooled polymath whose parents grow corn in their front garden?6

Quinn: And who hadn't tried gum until age 17. I know. But I LIKE him… He's nice and smart and funny, but…

Daria: But the Fashion Club wouldn't stand for it.

Quinn: He wears button-down shirts and chinos! I mean, that's fashion SUICIDE! (moaning) Oh, GOD, Sandi will kick me out of the Fashion Club for liking this guy; she's been WAITING for an excuse this good for MONTHS…

Daria: Ever consider the unparalleled satisfaction of telling the little back-stabber to go to hell?

Quinn: (frantic) I've TRIED! I open my mouth, but what comes out is "Let's go shopping"!

Daria: (matter-of-fact) Then I cannot help you.

Quinn: But Daria, you've GOT to! You're my last HOPE!

Daria: You wanted my advice, so here it is; you have to do what YOU want, Quinn. And if you want to give up a guy you genuinely care for in favour of a group of friends who, by your own admission, are waiting for chances to hurt you … well, that's your choice, but I feel sorry for you.

(Quinn considers this, then she nods.)

Quinn: (tentative) Um … thanks, Daria.

Daria: (wry) No charge … this time, anyway. And we DON'T hug. That would be too much like cheesy TV sitcoms.

Quinn: (nods) I know.

(Quinn walks out, and Daria is left to the quiet contemplation of her own problems.)

(Scene: Lynn's room. Music plays on. Jodie is sitting in front of Lynn's large ornate wardrobe. Around her is a large gathering of coffee mugs and some wadded up tissues.)

Jodie: How long have you been in there, anyway?

Lynn: (OS) Twenty-eight hours, at last count. (beat) Does it matter?

Jodie: Um … well, there's school.

Lynn: (OS) Everything I needed to know I learned in kindergarten.

Jodie: Health?

Lynn: (OS) Twenty million Red Chinese don't give a crap. Why should I?

Jodie: Friends?

Lynn: (OS) HAH!

Jodie: (idea forms) Revenge?

(Silence from the wardrobe. You can almost FEEL Lynn considering this.)

Lynn: (OS) I say my piece … and then I resume my place in the hidey-hole. Maybe if I'm lucky the door to Narnia will open up in here and I will be free.

(Jodie sighs, but looks at least somewhat pleased to have reached Lynn somehow.)

(Scene: outside the Lane house. Lynn, looking noticeably paler and slightly jittery – too much coffee – approaches the front door.)

Lynn: (to herself) THIS is going to be fun…

(She rings the doorbell. There is no answer bar a loud twanging of guitar chords from somewhere around basement level. Lynn sighs and takes her lock-picking equipment out of her book bag.)

Lynn: Don't leave home without it… (starts in on the door)

(Scene: Trent's basement. Trent angrily thrashing on new guitar. He does not seem to notice Lynn … that is, until Lynn pulls the amp lead. We then hear the underlying music: "Creep" by Radiohead. He looks at the guitar, and then sees Lynn. To complete the cliché, she is swinging the end of the lead like a pendulum.)

Lynn: You know, I've always wanted to do that.7

Trent: Um … hey?

Lynn: (raised eyebrows) Is that IT?

Trent: Um…

Lynn: Perhaps I can help you think up some more appropriate lines. Like, "Oh, sorry about kissing you against your will on Saturday night". Or maybe, "Whoops, I REALLY screwed it up for myself this time, didn't I". Or maybe even, "Is Daria even TALKING to me?" To that, my potentially erstwhile friend, the answer is a resounding "no".

Trent: Um…

Lynn: In fact, she's not talking to you … or me … or Jane … or even AP, no matter how strongly he is pursuing her at the moment. Come to that, I'M not talking to any of them either. Nor is Jane. Or maybe you haven't noticed.

Trent: I…

Lynn: Let's see … because of one rash jealous act on Saturday, you have (counts off on her fingers) trashed your guitar and Max's bass drum … wrecked the school dance – which I wouldn't care about if it hadn't meant that I got in trouble … embarrassed Daria … humiliated me … pretty much blown your best chance of getting together with Daria at all … and wrecked (thinks) six pretty strong friendships. (beat) And your response to that is…

Trent: Um…

Lynn: You said that.

Trent: Damn.

Lynn: Better. We're moving into the realm of four letters and up. Can we try for a complete sentence?

Trent: (miserable) Damn, I have messed this up.

Lynn: (sarcastic) Eureka! We have comprehension!

Trent: Can you help me?

Lynn: Oh, get screwed. Helping you has only got me into trouble so far. If you want Daria, tell her that. (beat) Although I can't say I blame her if she never wants to talk to you again after this. My suggestion to you would be to apologise your freaking head off and hope to God that she at least decides she wants to be friends. Comprende?

Trent: (miserable) Yeah. (beat) Are WE still friends?

Lynn: (raised eyebrow) I don't bother giving advice to people I don't give a damn about.

(Lynn drops the amp lead and walks up the basement steps.)

Trent: Lynn?

Lynn: What?

Trent: (shy) When I … did you…

Lynn: (narrowed eyes) Think VERY hard before asking that question. If you REALLY want to know, get back to me when you're NOT being an idiot.

(Lynn walks out, slamming the door behind her. Then she leans on it for a second, a worried look on her face.)

Lynn: (to herself, pleading) PLEASE let Trent NOT want the answer to that question…

(Scene: LHS corridor. Daria is standing at her locker, looking a bit lost. Lynn approaches her own locker. Then she looks at Daria.)

Lynn: (tentative) Hey.

Daria: (olive branch extended) Hey.

Lynn: Don't get me wrong, but … I think we need to talk.

Daria: (suspicious) Why?

Lynn: (sigh; she didn't want it to have to come to this) I have information you need. You have information I need. Together, we might be able to come out of this mess with our sanity. (beat) Or do you WANT to do the teen angst thing for much longer.

Daria: (nods to acknowledge the point) Pizza King?

Lynn: No; neutral territory. I'm in the mood for Chinese – how about the Good Time Chinese Restaurant?

Daria: (adamant) No.8

Lynn: ('okaaay…') Wan Foo Mai Tai out on the highway?

Daria: Who drives?

Lynn: Not you. I've heard stories.9

(The look-alikes share a tentative smirk)

(Scene: Wan Foo Mai Tai out on the highway, interior. Looks like every Chinese restaurant in the Western world. Music: "Insane" by Cold. Daria and Lynn are sitting across from each other, wielding chopsticks and looking at each other nervously.)

Lynn: (sigh) Well, it's been twenty-five minutes, the starters have arrived and you show no sign of talking, so I guess it's up to me. (beat; thinks) Trent likes you. A lot. He used the L-word. Reaction.10

Daria: (stunned) Whoa.

Lynn: AP kissed you on Saturday night. Reaction.

Daria: (slightly dreamy) Whoa. (snaps out of it) I mean…

Lynn: (kind) I know. (beat) Trent saw that, got REALLY jealous. Hence his trashing of the stage, his prized guitar, his friend's drum and his best-paying gig for months. (carefully) Also hence his kissing me to get back at you. Reaction.

Daria: I was upset at first … but…

Lynn: I need to know. How do you feel about Trent?

Daria: He's cool. And – God, I hate this word – cute.

Lynn: Try 'attractive'. We're practically adults now.

Daria: I find him attractive. Physically. But I should know by now that he's not my type. I mean, I guess I want someone a bit more motivated, a bit more interesting, a bit…

Lynn: A bit like a computer-obsessed psychopath known as AP McIntyre?

Daria: (sigh) Maybe. I don't know.

Lynn: But a part of you still…

Daria: Don't make me say it. (sigh) I've had this crush on him for a long time. It's hard to let go.

Lynn: He'll probably try to talk to you … the same way AP is trying to talk to you. You can't run forever. (regretful) Believe me; I tried.

Daria: So … any advice?

Lynn: (thinks) Not really. Do what you think is best for YOU.

Daria: (to herself) God, I should take my own advice. (beat; hesitant) Lynn?

Lynn: Yeah?

Daria: When Trent kissed you … what was it like? (beat; shy) I've always wondered.

Lynn: (sigh) Now that's something I'm not talking about. I'm not going to risk influencing your decision in any way. If you ever come to a conclusion about this, I'll talk about it then.

(Daria looks at Lynn curiously. Lynn looks at her plate.)

(Scene: LHS corridor. Daria and Lynn by Lynn's locker. Jane approaches cautiously.)

Jane: (meek) Hey…

Daria: (meek) Hey.

Lynn: (meek) Hey.

Jane: (to Daria) I shouldn't have suggested my house.

Daria: (to Jane) I shouldn't have got wound up about it.

Jane: (to Daria) All right then…

Daria: (to Jane) All right then. (beat) Does this process strike you as eerily easy?

(Jane shrugs and turns to Lynn)

Lynn: (to Jane) HE kissed ME.

Jane: (to Lynn) It wasn't any of my business.

Lynn: (to Jane) All right then.

Jane: (to Lynn) All right then. (beat) It IS eerily easy, isn't it?

(All three shrug, then smile meekly)

Jane: Pizza?

Lynn: Cool. But I've GOT to check my e-mail first. If neglected, it mounts up.

Daria: And…

Lynn: And I run out of space. (beat) What with the anti-terrorist movement people hounding me and the people asking for more private advice than my website can give, my mail volume can get intimidating.

(Daria and Jane look at each other.)

(Scene: Lynn's room. Lynn online and on phone. Daria and Jane looking through bookshelf.)

Lynn: (into phone) Yes, we're speaking to you. (beat) I haven't been checking my mail. (beat) Yes, I now see all 53 of your stupid e-mails. Most are titled, "why the hell isn't anyone talking to me?" interspersed with "answer me damn you". (beat) Deliver your own messages, peon. You've got me into enough trouble this week. (beat) So long as we can throw cows at you. (beat) Later. (hangs up)

Jane: (bemused) Cows?

Lynn: Are you familiar with Monty Python?

Jane: Not really.

Lynn: I suggest becoming so as soon as possible. Otherwise you won't understand half of what AP and I say to each other. (beat) Anyway, he's coming over with a message for you, Daria. Do you want to hear what he has to say … or do we throw cows at him?

(Daria looks trapped.)

(Scene: outside the Cullen house. Music: "Every You Every Me" by Placebo. AP walks up with a small inflatable palm tree in his hand. He calls out:)

AP: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

(A small plastic object is launched out of Lynn's open window and hits AP on the head. He picks it up off the ground and looks at it. It is a small plastic cow.)

AP: Is that a no?

(Another small object is launched out the window. It is revealed to be a plastic chicken.)

AP: But I brought flowers! (beat) Okay, so I brought a blow-up palm tree, but it was the best I could DO on short notice!

(A battered little car pulls up and Trent gets out. He glares at AP for a moment, then turns his attention to the open window.)

Trent: Hey … is Daria up there?

(The only response is the launching of a small plastic pig, which hits Trent in the chest.)

AP: Don't bother. We're being attacked.

Lynn: (OS; bad French accent) You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur King, you and all your silly English k-nnnnniggets! (begins to blow raspberries at the guys.)11

Trent: What the … (yelling) HEY, LYNN!

Lynn: (OS; bad French accent) I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

AP: I told you; there's no point. When she's quoting Monty Python, there's no stopping her.

Trent: Look, Mr Know-It-All, I…

AP: I'm not getting into this with you, man.

Trent: I'm warning you…

Daria: (OS) The Misery Chick you are trying to reach is not in the mood to talk to you at the moment. At the sound of the water balloon, please scream your message and vacate the premises, and she'll get back to you when you're not about to kill each other. Thank you.

(Trent and AP look at each other. You can just SEE them thinking "Water balloons?")


(A water balloon sails through the air and splashes to earth between the two guys. Their eyes widen and they run like hell.)

AP: (over his shoulder) Later, Sir Naps-A-Lot!

Trent: (grumble) Yeah. Right.

(Trent gets into his car and drives away.)

(Scene: Lynn's room. Music plays on. Jane is laughing. Daria is looking out the window, a little dazed. Lynn is disassembling a large slingshot.)

Lynn: I KNEW this thing would come in handy someday.

Daria: Maybe I should have talked to them.

Lynn: Did you know what you were going to say?

Daria: No.

Lynn: Then what would be the point? (beat) I'm not advocating running forever. But I'd enjoy the peace while you can. At some point, you're going to HAVE to tell them SOMETHING.

Daria: True. (beat) I can't go out with Trent. (beat) Can I?

Jane: (begging) Sure you can! I mean, I've been waiting for this for YEARS!

Lynn: (shrug) Up to you. After all, it's your life. (beat) On the other hand, I'd take into account the age gap, the slacker factor and the as-yet-not-an-issue groupie thing … for consideration if he ever makes it in the music industry. Not to mention your admission that the whole thing's mainly physical at the moment.

Daria: (sigh) All right. It's make-your-mind-up time.

Jane: (finally paying attention) Before you make up your mind … can we go for that pizza?

(Scene: Pizza King. Music: "Falling To Pieces" by Faith No More. Daria and Lynn sit on one side of a booth while Jane occupies the other.)

Jane: So come on. What are you going to do?

Daria: I can't go out with Trent. I can't go by physical attraction alone, and that whole mess with our multimedia project makes me realise that it wouldn't work out.12 We've got different priorities. And anyway, I don't think I really want to start a relationship with someone who thinks it's a good idea to make someone they care about jealous by kissing one of their best friends.

Lynn: So what about AP?

Jane: Can I kill him?

Lynn: You may NOT. He may prove instrumental in one of my plots. (beat) Now if you suggest a maiming…

Jane: Nah. I prefer permanence.

Daria: (noticing something) Speaking of permanence…

(Shift to another table at Pizza King. The Fashion Club is sitting at a table, and Quinn is anxiously looking around for someone.)

Sandi: What are we DOING here, Quinn? I mean, this is where the LOSERS go to eat pizza.

Stacy: They have good taste in pizza, though. There's just enough sauce for the crust and…

Sandi: (warning) Shut UP, Stacy.

(Stacy looks at her plate in despair.)

Quinn: (hesitant) I'm meeting someone.

Stacy: It's your ADMIRER, isn't it?

(Quinn nods agitatedly)

Stacy: (excited) Oh, FINALLY! I can't WAIT! So who IS he?

Tiffany: Yeah. I hope he's, like, got a car that complements your top. I always liked the way you look in Jaime's BMW.

Sandi: (magnanimously) You have our blessing, Quinn. Being in love has really brought out the GLOW in you.

Quinn: (hopeful) Really, Sandi?

Sandi: Of course. (beat) As long as he's not CRAWLING with fashion don'ts.

(Quinn looks miserably down at the floor. Ted then approaches and Quinn looks up and waves madly at him, getting his attention.)

Sandi: (oblivious) Why are you waving at that semi-geek, Quinn?

Ted: (approaches, shy) Hey, Quinn! I was worried. You were so upset at the dance … I thought it was over.

Sandi: (catching on) WAIT a minute. You're telling me that THIS is your Phantom? (beat; sputter) I mean, never mind crawling; he IS a fashion don't.

Quinn: I don't think it matters so much with guys, Sandi. I mean…

Sandi: Dump this loser IMMEDIATELY, Quinn. You are on fashion sabbatical if you don't.

Quinn: He's NOT a loser! He's talented and romantic … and I quit anyway! I mean, I won't have TIME for your little makeover party; I have a BOYFRIEND now. I've wanted to say this for years … go to Hell, Sandi. (to Ted) Come on, Ted. We have getting-to-know-each-other to do.

Ted: I'd like that.

(Quinn gets up; she and Ted link arms and walk away together. Sandi begins to go an unhealthy shade of maroon.)

Sandi: I should be glad we got that troublemaker out of our hair, but … she was SO rude!

Tiffany: She's running away with a GEEK? (beat) That is SO wrong…

(They look at Stacy for confirmation. Stacy begins to grin.)

Stacy: (elated) FINALLY! SOMEONE broke the trail! I can go TOO! Bye, Sandi, Tiffany – hope your miserable pathetic shallow little lives make you happy! I'm going to … to … join cheerleading or … or Glee Club! (stands up quickly, knocking her chair over, and runs away, shouting with happiness.) FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST! THANK GOD ALMIGHTY, I'M FREE AT LAST!13

(The Fashion Club looks after her, stunned.)

Sandi: The end has come.

Tiffany: There are others to take their places.

Sandi: (angry) Shut UP, Tiffany.

Tiffany: Um … yeah.

(As they walk away, we go back to Daria, Jane and Lynn, who are watching with matching smirks.)

Lynn: Success! We ARE the Flack-Jacket Mafia, and the school WILL be free of poseurs by the end of our senior year!

Jane: (pleased but confused) What brought THAT on?

Daria: (Mona Lisa smirk) A little sisterly advice, would you believe.

(Jane and Lynn raise eyebrows at her. Then they shrug.)

Jane: So, where were we? Ah, yes, AP, who Lynn won't let me kill.

Daria: I don't know. I don't know him all that well. Maybe if I got to know him a little better…

Jane: (sly) Is he a good kisser?

Daria: (shy) Um…

Jane: (smug) That's a yes. (beat; disappointed) This sucks. I've been trying to set you two up for years and he finally admits that he likes you, and now you don't want him.

Daria: (blush) I didn't SAY that. It would just be a physical thing, is all.

Lynn: So … how are you going to tell them this?

Daria: I'll think of something. (beat) So, now that I've made the decision … you said you'd tell me what it was like. You know … kissing Trent.

Lynn: (sigh; resigned) I'll tell you this. It would be one HELL of a physical thing.

(Daria looks a little bit wistful. Jane looks slightly sick.)

(Scene: LHS corridor. Daria, Jane and Lynn converged on Daria's locker.)

Lynn: So how'd Trent take it?

Daria: Not sure. He said we could still be friends, but…

Jane: But then he locked himself in the basement and started playing mournful songs.

Lynn: Whoops. You might want to watch that. (beat) Have you talked to AP?

Daria: No, but…

(AP comes towards them carrying a rather large ornate shield and waving a white handkerchief on a stick.)

AP: Can I call a cease-fire?

(The three girls smirk.)

Lynn: For now.

AP: (lowers shield) Cool. This thing is heavy. (beat; to Daria, shy) Hey.

Daria: (shy) Hey.

(Lynn and Jane share "Here we go again" looks.)



1] All of these scenes are taken from the previous ep: "Kiss and Tell". And 'Al' is my homage to Austin "omniscient and occasionally smug narrator" Loomis.

2] If you recall "Grating Expectations", Jodie got something of an attitude adjustment, which allows her to speak her mind a little more often.

3] This quip came straight off my 'Having a bad day?' forward, sent to me by my colleague Beshlie. That document is pure Daria one-liner heaven. So thanks, Besh.

4] "Phantom Admirer" because he was dressed as the Phantom of the Opera at the Lawndale Halloween Haunt in "Trick or Trent".

5] According to Waif's "Get To Know Your Man Through Handwriting Analysis" article in "Kiss and Tell" anyway.

6] You will remember Ted DeWitt-Clinton if you watched "The New Kid". The word "polymath" was used in Austin Loomis' prose adaptation and the Cambridge International Dictionary of English [online version] defines polymath as 'a person who knows a lot about many different subjects'. I had to look it up, though I pretty much had the definition from the context. Austin, thou art a show-off. :o)

7] From "A Meeting of the Brains": Lynn: Interesting imagery. (beat) Good rhythm. (beat) Can we pull the amp plugs? The only thing wrong with this song is the music.

8] At the time of writing this fic, I hadn't read the transcript for "Depth Takes A Holiday" and so didn't know about the Good Time Chinese Restaurant. But given that episode, Daria wouldn't have wanted to go there anyway, so I get to keep "Wan Foo Mai Tai out on the highway".

9] "Through A Lens Darkly" and "Speedtrapped" stories, we would assume.

10] "Trick or Trent". Spent some time getting tipsy and thinking of exactly the right thing to say, then said it to the wrong cynic. Somebody up there is really cruel to him… oh yeah. That would be me.

11] Monty Python's French Taunter scene from "The Quest for the Holy Grail". God, I loved that movie.

12] "Jane's Addition" portrays Trent as a slacker with the attention span of a goldfish and the time-sense of a brick wall.

13] Inspired by Austin Covello, for the most part. I don't think she has the kind of depth that Austin hinted at [but hey, I loved "A Day in the Life of Stacy"] but I DO think she'd take the first chance she got to escape the iron fist of Sandi Griffin.


Daria Morgendorffer et al are the creations of Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn but are owned by MTV, a Viacom company, copyright 1997, 2000. [Apparently this is possible by 'work for hire', a concept that eludes me.] Lynn Cullen and AP McIntyre, on the other hand, were created and are owned by me, one Janet 'Canadibrit' Neilson, copyright 1999, 2000. Touch my characters without consulting me and it will go hard with you. This is a "substantially transformative" derivative work, apparently [what a highfalutin way to say fanfic], and is protected by the Supreme Court's decision in re Campbell v. Acuff Rose Music, so keep the copyright notice where it is and don't post it for money. If you do so without my permission and that of MTV Networks, I WILL pull a Lynn Cullen on you. And then I'll call lawyers.

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