(Opening sequence. Music: "You're Standing On My Neck", Splendora.

Ms Li's office. Daria and Lynn looking at each other with identical looks of assessment and deadpan curiosity.

Cullen house, exterior. A small, thin redhead in a blue flack-jacket and black jeans drops to his knees and begins to salaam to Daria and Lynn, who are peering out an upstairs window.

LHS classroom. Daria, Jane and Lynn stand in a doorway, smirking. Jane carries a Polaroid camera.

Lane house, exterior. Daria, wearing a white peasant blouse, green half-corset, black skirt and black cloak with green satin lining [no glasses] stares in shock at Lynn, who wears an identical outfit bar the colour of the cloak lining and half-corset [purple] and an equally shocked look.

LHS corridor. Daria and Jane watched with bemusement as DeMartino drags a screaming Lynn past them by her ear.

LHS gymnasium. On a stage rigged at one end, Trent rams his guitar through a bass drum.

Science lab. The redhead, wearing safety goggles, pushes a button and ducks under the desk an instant before the model of Lawndale High that graces that desk blows up.

LHS corridor. Daria, Jane, Lynn and the redhead watch, smirking, as Ms Li is dragged down the hall handcuffed to a policeman. A camera crew whose equipment bears the Sick Sad World logo follows behind them.

Daria and Lynn side-by-side again, smirking slightly. As the original montage sequence, the camera pulls in and then out again to reveal two interlocking circles; one contains the Daria logo and the other contains a corresponding 'Lynn' version. Underneath are the words: "Daria in…"


A Daria Fan Fiction [LAS 1:09]

(Scene: Daria's room. Music: "Freak" by Spindra [no, you will have never heard of them.] Daria lying on bed, staring at ceiling. Lynn's boots sticking out of closet.)

Lynn: Man, this poetry is twisted!1

(Lynn emerges from closet with notebook, pen and camera, brushing dust out of her hair.)

Lynn: Did you ever show these to Trent? As lyrics, they'd be a lot better than some of the stuff they're coming out with. I mean, God, "Ow, my nose"?2

Daria: (blush) Um … no.

Lynn: (raised eyebrow) Don't want to be their Yoko Ono, huh?

Daria: (blush, glare) Don't you start. (beat) I mean, it's not like I even think it would work with Trent.

Lynn: (raised eyebrow) No? Yet you still blush every time his name is mentioned.

Daria: I have no problem with using the inspiration of that poetry in my closet to off you if necessary, Lynn.

(Lynn looks down at notebook, swallows, looks up again.)

Lynn: (meek) 'Nuff said.

(Scene: LHS corridor. Daria, Jane and Lynn gathered by Lynn's locker.)

Jane: What DID you do for Barch's science paper anyway?

Lynn: I thought I'd use my copy of "1001 Ways To Manipulate The Radical Feminist" to best advantage3 … so I based the entire thing on the superiority of the female in the wild.

Daria: How'd you manage that?

Lynn: It was all pretty obvious stuff, actually; how the lioness hunts and provides for the lazy male as he sleeps in the sun all day, how most female birds blend in effortlessly with their surroundings while the brightly-coloured male spreads his genes around any female who'll have him… I had some real fun with the fact that praying mantis males can't copulate unless their head's been ripped from the body.

Jane: (smirk) I'll bet.

(Ms Li's voice comes over the PA.)

Li: Will Ms Lynn Cullen please report to the principal's office immediately!

(Daria and Jane look at Lynn.)

Lynn: Don't give me that look. This time, I've done absolutely nothing wrong!

(Scene: Ms Li's office. Lynn is sitting down in a chair across from Ms Li and staring at her with that "go to hell" look.)

Li: I suppose you're wondering why I called you here.

Lynn: Either you think I've done something wrong, you feel a sudden urge to blame things on me, or you need my help. What's to wonder?

Li: (decides to let that slide) We've recently received application for admission from a former classmate of yours. The gentleman was expelled after an … unfortunate incident involving one of his teachers. While his disciplinary records are rather spotty, I assumed that it was merely boredom; his IQ alone would bring honour and glory to … (hushed Ms Li tone) Lawndale High. As you attended classes with him, I thought it would be wisest to enquire as to his character and suitability.

Lynn: Wait a minute. YOU want a character reference on some guy you're considering taking into your beloved school even though he's been kicked out of his own. And you want that character reference from ME, who you've already kicked out once.4

Li: (grudgingly) You're perhaps not the best character reference I could have chosen, but (sniff) you're the only one available to me at the moment.

Lynn: Okay, tell me his name and I'll break out the dossier.

(Ms Li sighs and shakes her head.)

(Scene: LHS computer lab. Music: "Please Sir" by Pitchshifter. Lynn rushes in and logs onto an IRC channel. Then she begins to type.)

Lynn: (typing VO) Hey, Psycho-Maverick; you actually OL, or AFC?5

'Psycho-Maverick': (typing VO) Hey, 'Purple Peril'! Long time no hear from! Have I got news!

Lynn: (typing VO) Let me guess. Oakwood finally wised up.

'Psycho-Maverick': (typing VO) Yep; used method 23 on Mr Latour and he went semi-postal. I'm expelled but, on the up-side, he's institutionalised!

Lynn: (typing VO) What's that, two now in the last three months?

'Psycho-Maverick': (typing VO) Thereabouts. So how'd you find out?

Lynn: (typing VO) At the request of the Nazi Jackboot, I character-referenced you. Lying through my teeth, of course.

'Psycho-Maverick': (typing VO) So the Nazi Jackboot thinks I'm some upstanding citizen?

Lynn: (typing VO) Until Monday, anyway. Then she learns the painful truth, I suppose.

(Scene: Jane's room. Music: "What's My Age Again?" by Blink 182.6 Jane painting a picture of Lynn in the convict's striped outfit, sitting on a stool by a barred window, patiently chipping at the concrete around the bars. Daria reading. Lynn sitting by the window, obviously posing for Jane's painting.)

Lynn: Is this gonna take long? I can't feel anything below the waist anymore.

Jane: Relax! The initial work is done; I'll work from imagination now.

Daria: So what did Ms Li want?

Lynn: A character reference on my old partner in crime at Oakwood.7 He's starting at Lawndale High on Monday.

Daria: Why would he want to do that?

Lynn: No choice. He got expelled, and practically nowhere else would take him. And so the Flack-Jacket Mafia gains another member.

Jane: I wish you'd stop calling us that. I don't wear a flack jacket.

Lynn: (mock offended) Well pardon me for making us sound a bit more exclusive and evil.

Jane: (thinking) Well, in THAT case…

Daria: So who is this partner in crime, anyway?

Lynn: (digs book from out of book bag on floor by her feet and throws it to Daria) This guy.

Daria: "25 Sure-Fire Ways To Drive Any Teacher Into Early Retirement – by AP McIntyre". (opens book and reads) "For the Purple Peril, whose warped and twisted mind gave me methods 2, 8 through 12, 17 and 25." (looks at Lynn oddly, noting purple jacket)8

Lynn: (proud smile) Read the inscription.

Daria: "Tried method 11. Withers now at the Pineland Rest Home. Brilliant. AP." (beat) AP?

Lynn: His name's Andrew Philip McIntyre. He thinks Andrew or Andy is boring and Philip or Phil is worse, so he says it stands for All-Purpose. He's the Swiss Army Knife of mischief, the prince of the practical jokers…

Jane: Self-proclaimed?

Lynn: No … well, originally. See, every year Oakwood High holds a kind of mock awards ceremony … you know, Most Popular, Most Likely to Succeed, Most Desperate…

Daria: That would be Quinn, Jodie and Upchuck respectively, God help us all.

Lynn: Well, AP got three … or two and a half. Biggest Practical Joker, Scariest Guy, and half of Couple Most Likely To Incite A Riot.

Jane: (smirk) And the other half was…

Lynn: The Purple Peril herself. (beat) On top of that, I got Scariest Girl, Biggest Brain, Worst Dresser and Most Likely To Be Expelled Before Her Senior Year.

Daria: What notoriety.

Lynn: (deadpan) I try not to let it go to my head. Loved by none, respected by none, feared by all. (evil little smirk)

Jane: So are you two…

Lynn: (snicker) A couple? Hell, no! Once, maybe; when we were about ten. We're more partners in crime than anything else and I want to keep it that way. If you're interested, YOU can have him.

Jane: (shrug) Nah. I don't think he's my type. I prefer…

Lynn: Muscular narcoleptics with a phobia of shirts but an affinity for black leather?

Jane: (blush) Well…

Lynn: (smirk) Hey, you do it to Daria…

Daria: So he's at school on Monday?

Lynn: Yep. But he's dropping by my house on Saturday morning to hang out and meet all the people he's heard so much about. You guys want to come along?

Daria: Why not? It's either that or listen to Quinn squeak about her admirer until the eleventh hour.

Jane: Can't. Saturday morning detention. I kind of missed a math test on Thursday. Apparently I used the 'I got stuck in my locker' excuse last week.

Daria: Thus showing the benefits of keeping an excuse log.9

Lynn: We could meet up at Pizza King in the afternoon … around five?

Jane: Sure. I've got to meet the guy who drove two teachers insane!

END ACT 1 – ADVERTS [Lead-in: Lynn dashing into the computer lab and logging on.]

(Scene: outside the Cullen house. Music: "Where The Wild Things Are" by Metallica. A short, thin young man with shaggy red hair, freckles, green eyes and a narrow face ambles up the walk. He wears a blue flack jacket much like the one worn by both Daria and Lynn with a black T-shirt underneath, black jeans, and Docs. He rings the bell. Lynn and Daria lean out an upstairs window.)

Lynn: Who goes there?

AP: (falls to his knees) I am but a lowly teen wandering the Soulless Desert of Suburbia! I come to worship at the Temple of Subversive Literature! (double-take between Lynn and Daria) Wa-hey, it's the Bobbsey Twins!

Daria: (to Lynn) Who is this lunatic?

Lynn: (to Daria) You have to ask?

Daria: (to Lynn) Yeah, well, if he calls us the Bobbsey Twins again, he'll be up for a new award: Most Likely To Become A Damp Squeak On The Sidewalk.

AP: (who's been listening to this; on his feet again) Hey, looks like you found a kindred spirit there, Purple Peril! (beat) You must be Erudite Emerald! All hail to the evil one who caused an anti-Communist riot and drove a teacher into the land of the heebie-jeebies! I salute you! (falls to his knees again and begins to salaam)

Daria: (to Lynn; suspicious) Erudite Emerald?

Lynn: (blush; shrug) Compliment.

Daria: (embarrassed) Oh. (to AP) Um … you can get up now. I don't want a sycophant.

Lynn: Oh, don't grovel. She can't stand grovelling.10 (to the blushing Daria) Can you?

Daria: Shut up.

(An older couple is standing on the corner watching this exchange.)

AP: (realising he's being watched, stands up) Hey, babes, let's break out the nose candy and drive around shooting at the small and helpless.

Lynn: (playing along; she's hardened to this) Sure … as long as we can start with those two. I'll bet this week's profits they're narcs.

(AP turns around slowly and treats the older folks to a long, measured stare. Then, without warning, he yells:)


(The elderly couple hobble for their lives. AP turns back to the girls with a grin.)

AP: I should market that. Narcs-Be-Gone.

(Scene: the Cullen front door. Music plays on. The door opens and we see AP standing there with a little grin on his face.)

AP: (meek) Hey.

Daria: (thought VO) Oh, God, not again … I am going to speak now or shoot myself… (after a pause, meekly) Hey.

(Lynn watches this exchange with all due nervousness, knowing what she knows.)

(Scene: Pizza King. Music: "Pigwalk" by Stuck Mojo. Daria and Lynn are sitting across from AP.)

Daria: This is the best Lawndale has to offer. Pizza King scored top marks in Jane's gourmet guide.11 Perfect cheese-to-crust-to-sauce ratio and just the right amount of unidentifiable burned things.

AP: Cool. Gourmet rocks. (beat) So where is Art-Smart Scarlet anyway?

Lynn: (checks watch) Making final descent in five … four … three … two … one…

(Jane bursts through door of Pizza King.)

Jane: So where's the lunatic?

Lynn: The eagle has landed.

AP: (yelling) DON'T MOVE!

(Jane jumps a little and then stands perfectly still as AP walks around her in a circle, a thoughtful expression on his face.)

AP: (decisive) Yep … you're an artist, all right.

Jane: (indignant) However could you tell?

AP: Turpentine smell … callused hands … smock-like shirt with yellow paint on the hem … assessing look in the eye. It's all there if you know to look for the clues.

Jane: (raised eyebrow; to Lynn) I thought you were exaggerating. Forgive me.

(Jane and AP sit down facing Daria and Lynn.)

AP: Speaking of exaggerating, what about these people I keep hearing about from Purple Peril here? I mean, come on, Hefner's Folly?

Jane: Hefner's Folly?

Lynn: Better known to the Lawndale constituency as Upchuck.

Daria: What has she said?

AP: Redheaded, freckle-faced bozo with bad taste in shirts and worse taste in come-ons. Collects fast food promotion items and uses the worst pick-up lines this side of the local singles bar. Gets slapped on a daily basis.

Daria: That's all true.

Jane: Actually, I think she was being a bit kind.

AP: Oh. (beat) What about Neo-Grunge Earache?

Jane: That would be Mystik Spiral. My brother's band. Whatever she said, it's probably true.

AP: (thinks) Well, she can't have been serious about Ponytail Barbie and Lobotomy Ken…

Daria: Brittany and Kevin. And yes.

Lynn: A writer's job is to tell it like it is … no matter how sick or depressing. I don't exaggerate.

AP: (to Daria) So your room really is…

Daria: Padded.

AP: (to Jane) And your family really is…

Jane: Scattered to the four winds. Except for my brother the narcoleptic.

AP: And your principal…

Daria: To use Lynn's phrase, The Nazi Jackboot.

AP: Wow. (evil grin) This is gonna be FUN!

(Scene: LHS corridor. Music: "2:1" by Elastica. Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP have congregated by Daria's locker. The Fashion Club pass by and then stop, looking appalled.)

Tiffany: Oh … my … God…

Sandi: The fashion don'ts seem to be … God, what's the word…

Stacy: Multiplying? Amassing? Beginning a hostile take-over?

Sandi: (irritated) Did I ASK you to be smart?

Stacy: (timid) Eep… I mean, no…

Sandi: One of those girls is your cousin or something, Quinn. As President of the Fashion Club, I hereby order you to go up to those girls – and that guy – and … talk to them. Tell them … tell them ANYTHING that will get them to stop walking around like flood victims. They are a big ink stain on the silken fabric of our reputations.

Quinn: But, Sandi, I…

Sandi: Unless you think you're too SPECIAL for that sort of thing. The Fashion Club needs DOERS, Quinn.

(Quinn sighs and walks over to the gang.)

Daria: The pool's been maintained for years. We're trying to decide who the first member of staff at Lawndale High to go will be. That's any way – getting fired, getting promoted, going postal…

Lynn: A few are already taken. Bitter Pill sometime around Thanksgiving next year, Cyclops just before summer vacation, the Nazi Jackboot before Easter and Wimp-in-the-Willows sometime in the spring quarter.

AP: I haven't had a chance to see them yet. Can I get back to you in a week?

Quinn: (trembling) Um … listen, you guys, I…

AP: (evil grin) All hail to Narcissa!

Quinn: (distracted) I'm sorry, but you can't flirt your way out of this.

(The gang share a look as, once again, Quinn misses the point)

Quinn: Listen, on behalf of the Fashion Club, I'm going to have to ask you to do something about your wardrobes. ALL of you. We just can't take it anymore.

AP: (casual) All right.

Quinn: (stunned) You WILL?

Daria, Jane & Lynn: (in unison; equally stunned) We WILL?

AP: (innocent) But, if we do that … someone will HAVE to take our places. After all, the fashion-deficient are so necessary to making you little airheads look good. Let's see … there's four of US…

Lynn: (catching on) And four of you over in Fashion-Victims-R-Us…

Quinn: (who has also caught on) EWW! Not on your life, you … you…

Daria: Purveyors of truth and individuality?

Quinn: Oh… (stamps her foot and marches off)

Jane: (shouting after her) Don't go! I have a shirt that's a perfect fit for you!

(As Quinn vanishes, all four give an evil little smirk. Daria and AP stare at each other for a minute, then look away, embarrassed. Jane elbows Lynn. Lynn rolls her eyes and sighs.)

(We now cut to Ms Li, who is watching them covertly from an open doorway.)

Li: (visibly shaken) More deviants. What is happening to my school? (takes long swallow from hip flask) That Oakwood principal and Ms Cullen will pay DEARLY for this… (walks into room and slams door. Falls out of it again a minute later, followed by a couple of brooms and mops. To complete the cliché, a bucket is stuck on her foot.)

Li: (disgruntled) Whose bright idea was it to put a broom closet there?

END ACT 2 – ADVERTS [Lead-in: AP salaaming to Daria and Lynn]

(Scene: Mr O'Neill's class. Daria is seated between Lynn and AP in the front row. O'Neill is eyeing them nervously.)

O'Neill: Okay, class, we have a new student with us today … um…

AP: AP will do. Only two letters so REALLY easy to remember.12

O'Neill: (embarrassed) Oh, right. So, how about telling us a little bit about yourself?

(AP sighs and stands)

AP: (deadpan) My name is AP … and I'm an … oh, sorry, wrong group.

(Snickers from the class. O'Neill looks horrified)

AP: Right. My name is AP … and my ultimate goal in life is to lie, steal and cheat my way into the upper spectrum of the computing world. My role model is Bill Gates because, despite his reputation as one of the world's top businessmen, he hasn't sold a decent working product – well, not software, anyway – since he started. My ambition is to slaughter him in the messiest Satanic ritual I can find and usurp him. (turns to Andrea) Any suggestions?

(Nervous laughter from the class. Andrea nods once. O'Neill looks about ready to cry.)

O'Neill: That … that's good, DT. Everyone should have a goal … I think. (beat) Perhaps I'll be seeing you in my Self-Esteem Workshop?

AP: Nope. One of your students was kind enough to give me the answers to your asinine little test and – lying through my teeth, of course – I passed.13

(That does it for O'Neill. He puts his head in his hands and starts to sob.)

Daria: Now that was impressive.

AP: (grin) Glad I've impressed you. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Lynn: (to AP) Don't get cocky, my friend. After all, Daria and I did that to him just by walking into the room together.14

AP: (nods) I haven't been able to manage that yet. (wistful) But one day…

(Scene: LHS teacher's lounge. DeMartino is at the dartboard, ripping off the photos of Kevin and Ms Li and putting up a photo of AP. Ms Morris is sitting on the Salvation Army sofa, head in hands. O'Neill is sobbing at his desk and Barch is sitting at her desk ripping the heads off action figures with surprising vehemence. Enter Ms Li.)

Li: This isn't a school anymore. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.

(O'Neill blubbers some more. Barch throws an action figure across the room. DeMartino throws a dart and it embeds itself in the eye of the picture of AP. Li takes out her flask and shakes it – empty. DeMartino hands her his own flask without a word. We can see the faces of Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP peeking through the window.)

(Scene: exterior of LHS. Music: "Sycophant" by My Ruin. Daria and Jane look at each other and smirk. Lynn and AP look at each other and smirk. Then congratulatory smirks all around.)

AP: Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done.

(Scene: Lynn's room. Music plays on. Daria on sleeping bag on floor, reading 25 Sure-Fire Ways To Drive Any Teacher Into Early Retirement. Lynn online. AP sitting on bed, reading over Daria's shoulder.)

AP: I ought to write an annex to that. I came up with three just today.

(Daria looks up, as if she hadn't realised he was there, and then goes back to the book, blushing. AP blushes as well and moves to sit on the desk next to Lynn's computer.)

Lynn: (exasperated at this scene) Why don't you just take out some space at Subversion_is_we and get it over with?

AP: I prefer to teach by example, and close-up. Much as I like computers, I find the written word format takes away the raw edge of the message.

Daria: So…

Lynn: I think what my eloquent little friend here is trying to ask is, how was your first day at our little slice of the Netherworld?

AP: Well, it's nice to know you tell no lies. They were all just as you described them. Except for the Overachiever.

Daria: Jodie's undergone a cynic-related attitude adjustment lately.15

AP: Well, anyway, I can see myself fitting right in here … just before I rip the place apart.

Lynn: In that case, join us. We are the Flack-Jacket Mafia and we're just NUTS about driving teachers nuts.

Daria: Mention nuts again and I swear there will be blood.16

AP: (to Lynn) In-joke?

Lynn: (sigh) Ask Jane. She's the only one that understands them. (glances at window) Speaking of Jane … we have company.

(We see out the window from Lynn's point of view. Jane and Trent are clambering out of Trent's beat-up little car.)

Lynn: (leaning out window) Who goes and why?

Jane: Hey, Lynn. Trent wanted to see if you had any books on manipulating bouncers, club managers or agents.

Lynn: (thinking) I think I might.

(Scene: Lynn's room again. Music: "Wicked Ways" by Garbage. Jane and Trent are looking over Lynn's shoulder as she rummages through her book case – a wire contraption with smoked glass shelves.)

Lynn: Hmm … let's see. "1001 Ways To Manipulate" series, right. We've got The Radical Feminist … The Working Mother … Airport Security Personnel…

Daria: (wide-eyed) You BOUGHT that one?

Lynn: (shrug) Customs and immigration; hell on earth. Um … (back to the books) Here's what you might want; "1001 Ways To Manipulate Nightclub Staff". I think there's a section on both owners AND bouncers in here.

Trent: Cool. Thanks, Lynn. (beat; to Daria, shy) Hey, Daria.

Daria: (casual) Hey, Trent. How did the gig at 15 to Life go?17

(Jane looks surprised that she's asked. Trent looks pleased she remembered. Lynn shakes her head sadly and goes back to the computer.)

Trent: It was cool. (beat; even more shyly) We missed our subversive teenage roadies, though.18

Daria: (curious and oblivious) Why, the Tank break down again?

(Jane looks shocked that she missed this obvious hint. Lynn sighs again. Trent looks downcast.)

Trent: (disappointed) Nah.

AP: (to Daria, equally oblivious) So, Erudite Emerald, when do I get to see the padded cell?

Daria: (blush, hesitant) Um… I…

Lynn: (to the rescue) Hey, why don't we drop by Daria's? I'm not through copying the violent poetry from her closet walls yet. It's a heavy task, let me tell you.

Trent: (depressed) Gotta be getting back. Need to practice.

Lynn: Have a pleasant coma, in that case.

(Daria chuckles. Trent does his laugh/cough thing, but a bit darkly. He wanted DARIA to deliver the teasing.)

Trent: Good one, Lynn. See ya. Coming, Janey?

Jane: (looking suspiciously at Daria) No, I'll go over to Daria's. (thought VO) And find out what's going on with this AP guy if it kills me.

(Trent looks even more downcast.)

Trent: Later. (exit)

AP: So that was Sir Naps-A-Lot. (beat) Awfully depressed for a stoic.

Daria: (still oblivious) He's a grunge musician. He's supposed to be depressed.

(Jane and Lynn both stare at her for so casually mentioning Trent and, more damning yet, not even having noticed the hints he was dropping.)

(Scene: Trent's car. Music: "Miserable" by Lit. Trent is looking morosely out at the road as he drives just a LITTLE bit too fast.)

Trent: (monotone) Damn.

(There is a bump. Trent has driven onto the kerb.)

Trent: (slightly more emotion) Damn!

(There is a clatter and a banana peel, two tin cans and a chicken bone hit the windshield. Trent has driven into some garbage cans.)

Trent: (angrily this time) DAMN!

(There is a yowling screech. Trent has come quite close to running over a cat.)

Trent: (snarling) Who IS that little punk, anyway?

(There is a crunch and a hissing noise from under the hood. The car has stopped. Trent has run into a stop sign.)

Trent: (just miserably) Damn…

(Scene: Daria's room. Music plays on. Lynn's boots protruding from closet again. Jane first scrutinises Daria closely, then puts the back of her hand to Daria's forehead.)

Daria: Unhand me. (beat) What are you doing?

Jane: I thought sure you were sick, but you don't feel warm.

Daria: What is your problem?

Lynn: (who's been listening in) Jane, come here a sec! Human mutilation scene!

(Scene: Daria's closet. Music plays on. Lynn is sprawled out on the floor with a flashlight, looking at poetry. Jane dives in to join her.)

Jane: (hurt) There's no human mutilation scene in here!

Lynn: Keep talking, and there could be.19 (to Jane's blank look; matter-of-fact) Shut up about Trent, you moron.

Jane: (wounded) But…

Lynn: I warn you. She'll take your head off. And so will Trent.

Jane: (mournful) But they're SO CLOSE to getting it together!

Lynn: (sorrowful) Jane … I don't think she wants him anymore. I can't tell you what to do, but I think it would be best for all concerned if we leave it to sort itself out.

Jane: (suspicious) But what about AP?

Lynn: (shrug) That too. None of our business. So stop the Yenta act or someone is going to get hurt. (beat) Probably you.

(Jane nods. They shrug at each other.)

(Scene: Jane's room. Music plays on. Jane is alone, sifting through some of her older sketches. All are on the theme of Daria and Trent getting it together. Then she hears Trent from the basement. He is playing badly but with great feeling.)

Trent: (singing) You're my angel in black
You sure have the knack
Of putting my heart on the shelf in the back...20

(Jane looks pityingly in the direction of the howling.)

Jane: Waited too long, Trent. Man, that sucks.

(She moves to throw them in the bin, then stops.)

Jane: Ah, well, you never know… If all else fails, they'll be great for blackmail.

(And, with that, she tucks them under her bed, in between the paint-by-numbers kits.)


1] The violent poetry on the closet wall as referred to in "The Daria Diaries".

2] We hear this little gem first time in "Ill", I think. Of course, this is before I found out about "Soothe me with redemption's love/Like a heat-proof kitchen glove".

3] We find out about this in "Run Away From Homecoming". With her science grade as average as it is, Lynn will take any advantage she can.

4] For swearing at a teacher once. Happened in "Swear To Be Different".

5] Now that I have an idea of how IRC works [this was written before I actually chatted on #Daria+] I know that she would have seen his screen name. But whether he would have changed his nick to say whether he was AFC ['away from computer'] is debatable.

6] And may I thank all the music fans in the Daria community for a) ignoring the request not to quote me on the band name that I was pretty sure I got wrong and b) inundating me with e-mails pointing out my error.

7] Yes, Lynn comes from Oakwood. She says so back in "A Meeting of the Brains".

8] Another thanks for Austin Loomis, who deciphered what I meant by Daria's odd look to Lynn in his prose adaptation of this fic.

9] In "The Daria Database", both Daria and Quinn keep excuse logs – one to avoid all human contact and familial tasks of that nature and Quinn to break dates.

10] Another Python quote courtesy of Austin Loomis. I decided to try to find as many of his little gems a good home as I could. It was the least I could do after all his effort.

11] Jane's gourmet guide can be found on Jane's 'home page' on the official Daria website on mtv.com.

12] Daria's [and, later, Lynn's] comment on O'Neill sums it up – "Never forgets a face; just the name that goes with it." Originally from "The Daria Diaries".

13] Remember, Jane has helped both Daria and Lynn out of self-esteem hell, in "Esteemsters" and "A Meeting of the Brains" respectively. I think that those three working together would be able to work out [or look up] appropriate answers to the Pincus-Bizet Self-Concept Inventory, don't you?

14] O'Neill can't get people's names straight at the best of times, so when two look-alikes traipsed into his classroom on the first day in "AMOTB"…

15] "Grating Expectations" – Jodie frees herself from the perfectionist trap with a little help from her local subversives.

16] From "It Happened One Nut". "Welcome to It's A Nutty, Nutty, Nutty World. We're just NUTS … about nuts." I'd quote the rest, but you all think I'm strange enough as it is.

17] In "Lady and the Tank", this is the next gig that Mystik Spiral were to play.

18] "LATT" again. The song "Subversive Teenage Roadies" was an homage to the gang in general and Lynn in particular after Lynn resurrected the Tank.

19] All due credit for this line goes to Austin Loomis. I can't see the forest for the trees if I missed THAT set-up…

20] This is "Ice Box Woman". We first hear it in "The Road Worrier". It still makes my teeth grind.


Daria and related characters owned by MTV, a Viacom company [created by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn]. Lynn Cullen and AP McIntyre were created and are owned by Janet "Canadibrit" Neilson, copyright 1999, 2000. I've credited Monty Python in the endnotes and given all song titles with the names of the bands that played them. Don't sue me – it's not worth it. Feel free to archive this fic [tell me where it is, though, please] but if you want to use my character, ask first or I WILL pull a Lynn Cullen on you. And then I'll call lawyers.

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