(Opening sequence. Music: "You're Standing On My Neck", Splendora Ms Li's office. Daria and Lynn looking at each other with identical looks of assessment and deadpan curiosity.

Cullen house, exterior. A small, thin redhead in a blue flack-jacket and black jeans drops to his knees and begins to salaam to Daria and Lynn, who are peering out an upstairs window.

LHS classroom. Daria, Jane and Lynn stand in a doorway, smirking. Jane carries a Polaroid camera.

Lane house, exterior. Daria, wearing a white peasant blouse, green half-corset, black skirt and black cloak with green satin lining [no glasses] stares in shock at Lynn, who wears an identical outfit bar the colour of the cloak lining and half-corset [purple] and an equally shocked look.

LHS corridor. Daria and Jane watched with bemusement as DeMartino drags a screaming Lynn past them by her ear.

LHS gymnasium. On a stage rigged at one end, Trent rams his guitar through a bass drum.

Science lab. The redhead, wearing safety goggles, pushes a button and ducks under the desk an instant before the model of Lawndale High that graces that desk blows up.

LHS corridor. Daria, Jane, Lynn and the redhead watch, smirking, as Ms Li is dragged down the hall handcuffed to a policeman. A camera crew whose equipment bears the Sick Sad World logo follows behind them.

Daria and Lynn side-by-side again, smirking slightly. As the original montage sequence, the camera pulls in and then out again to reveal two interlocking circles; one contains the Daria logo and the other contains a corresponding 'Lynn' version. Underneath are the words: "Daria in…"


A Daria Fan Fiction [LAS1:08]

(Scene: Jane's room. Music: "Longview" by Green Day. Jane is lying across her bed on her stomach, staring at a blank canvas. Daria is sitting on the bed, back propped against the headboard, staring at a blank piece of paper. Lynn is sitting with her back propped against the bed, reading "GTA Or Getaway – The Fugitive's Guide To Emergency Auto Mechanics". The boredom is evident in the stillness of the room.)

Jane: (moan) It's doing it again. The canvas is actively laughing at me.1

Daria: (monotone) I didn't think it was possible to be this bored.

Lynn: (sigh) I haven't written anything in days. I mean, God, even the Thanksgiving visit to Ohio didn't amuse me.

Daria: (perking up a little) What's amusing about watching your relatives stuff their faces and giving each other grief?

Lynn: (smirk) A number of family traditions that are distinctly Cullen. First, the Cullens get together and snipe at each other until they get bored. Then we wait for the arrival of the Smythe.

Daria: (raised eyebrow) The Smythe?

Lynn: One of Dad's relations. Mom wouldn't let EITHER of us keep his name after he ran off to Portugal. (beat) Anyway, a Smythe comes by with a camera and takes the annual photo of me to show my dad – not that people couldn't have fobbed him off with the same one for the last couple of years – and is then subjected to a dinner-long rant about how Dad blew Mom off and everything that's wrong with the Smythe family as a whole.

Jane: This sounds familiar. Trent and I played that sort of role at our last family reunion. Except ours took days.2

Lynn: So bags of fun all around. (beat) We did have one Smythe with guts, though; he turned to me and told me how much like Dad I was.

Daria: Reaction?

Lynn: (smirk) He fled screaming into the night ten minutes later, with all the Cullens at his heels with torches and pitchforks, practically. (beat) That kind of evil runs in BOTH sides of my family.

Daria: Doubly cursed.

Lynn: (shrug) Or blessed. Whatever.

(There is a pause)

Daria: Well, that killed about a minute.

Jane: (evil glint) Hey, I know!

Daria: (to Lynn) Do you like that look in her eye?

Lynn: (to Daria) I NEVER like that look in her eye.

Jane: We'll go see if Trent knows of anything amusing going on in this here burg!

Daria: (long-suffering sigh) I KNEW I didn't like that look in her eye.

(Scene: Trent's room. Music plays on. Trent is sprawled out across the bed, snoring. Jane walks into the doorway. Daria and Lynn, nervous for their own reasons, stand behind her.)

Jane: Trent? (beat) HEY TRENT!

Trent: (waking up) I'm telling you, Officer, she's 18! (fully awake and, upon seeing the girls, blushing like a maniac) Oh … hey, Janey. Lynn. Daria.

Jane: You've gotta help us, Trent. We're all bored and uninspired and generally climbing the walls.

Lynn: (deadpan) The weekend stretches out before us like a long and desolate road. And all the drive-ins are closed. Help us or we will go insane and take you with us.

Trent: Love to help, you guys, but Mystik Spiral's on the road this weekend.

Jane: (excited but disbelieving) You got a GIG? Where?

Trent: The wilds of Carter County.3 There's a Grunge Grandstander's Gala on at The Horn Dog. (beat. inspiration) Hey, you guys want to come along? We could use roadies.

Jane: Maybe … what's it worth to you?

Trent: Weren't you saying how bored you were?

Jane: But that doesn't mean we're going to lug amps around for no pay at all. How about letting us tag along without having to pay gas or food?

Trent: That's highway robbery.

Jane: (grin) That's cool. We'll be on a highway. (beat) Look at it this way. We are your fan club. (beat) Come to that, we are your fan BASE. You get roadies, groupies and reviewers in one neat little package of socially deviant girls.

Trent: (considering this) Well, we're getting fed free at The Horn Dog…

Lynn: (sigh) I'll bring my recording equipment. (beat) And, with what I record, I will burn your first live album onto CD at no charge.

Trent: (convinced) Cool. I've gotta call the guys. If this is gonna be our live album, we gotta practice.

Lynn: Pleasure doing business with you.

(The three girls exit)

(Scene: outside Trent's room. Music plays on. Daria and Jane look at Lynn.)

Lynn: (slightly defensive) What?

Daria: (disbelieving) You have a CD burner?

Lynn: (shrug) CD burner, mixing decks, video camera and editing board…

Daria: Not MI6_Factory_Rejects again?4

Lynn: Nope; Mom's overpaid job. When I show an aptitude for something, Mom things I've found my calling in life, and she's willing and able to pay for whatever equipment I need to fulfil my potential.

Jane: And you use this to your advantage how often?

Lynn: (casual) Hey … I've got a lot of potential.

(Scene: Morgendorffer kitchen. Jake is serving up something that looks a bit like cannelloni but is a rather bizarre shade of orange. Helen is staring at Quinn, who is chattering away into the cordless phone. Daria examines the orange things on her plate.)

Daria: What exactly is this?

Jake: Cannelloni á la Jake, Kiddo! (beat) I thought the parmesan cheese was a little … plain, so I used Red Leicester! You'll love it!

Daria: Sorry, Dad, but I have strict principles about eating anything quite that shade of orange. (beat) Unless it's synthetic. (beat) Or an orange.

Quinn: (on phone) I KNOW, Stacy, isn't it SWEET? (beat) Well, no, not yet, but he's leaving little CLUES! His last note was talking about being my knight in shining armour and fighting a duel to the DEATH for me!5

Helen: (to Quinn; annoyed) Quinn, we're at the table and ready to eat; will you get off the phone?

Quinn: (hand over mouthpiece; to Helen) But MOM, we're discussing my potential STEADY BOYFRIEND here! This can't wait! (back on phone) I wish I knew what it meant but I've been watching members of the fencing team and I think…

Helen: (snatches phone from Quinn; speaks into it) I'm sorry, but Quinn will have to call you back after dinner. Good bye. (hangs up, puts the phone on the table) Now, let's sit down and have a civilised family dinner. Daria, how was your day? Any plans for the weekend?

Daria: (casual) Actually, I was planning on taking a roadie gig in a Carter County brewpub. Thank you for asking.

Jake: (shocked) WHAT? My little girl's not going to spend her weekend in one of those seedy brewpubs!

Helen: (takes the casual tone for joking) Jake, of COURSE she's not. (beat; to Daria) Spending the weekend with Jane again?

Daria: (evasive) I will be spending the weekend with Jane, yes. Lynn will be along as well.

Helen: Well, that's fine. (to Quinn) So, Quinn, how are things at school?

Quinn: Well, Joey, Jeffy and … oh, what's-his-name … are kind of bummed out with me because I won't go out with them until I find out who that guy dressed as the Phantom of the Opera at the Halloween Haunt was, and Sandi's trying to get them to pay attention to HER but they won't because (giggle) they're so DEVOTED to me and…

Helen: Oh, for the love of… I meant SCHOOLWORK, Quinn.

Quinn: Oh, THAT! (beat) Nothing new there.

(Helen sighs. Jake looks up.)

Jake: Hey, where's the paper?

(Scene: Outside the Lane house. The Tank is parked outside the house. Nick is carrying a bass drum and sweating hard. Max is straining to lift an amp into the van. Jane's carrying some amp leads in a coil over her shoulder. Daria, wearing her Alternapalooza outfit from Road Worrier but with her jacket over top, wanders towards the house and quietly watches from a distance.)

Jane: Hey, watch it in there! We need a place to sit, you know!

Max: We're doing the best we can! Anyway, you're supposed to be doing this; you're the roadie!

Jane: (shrugs the shoulder with the leads coiled around it) I'm doing the roadie thing! Anyway, remember who's getting you guys on CD!

Daria: (approaching) That's cracking the whip, oh slave driver.

Jane: Hey. What can I say? They're useless. (throws leads into van.) Some of us are going to have to go along in Trent's car.

Daria: (deadpan) Great. I can already feel the fumes killing my brain cells as I sit in the back and pray with my last coherent thought that Trent doesn't fall asleep at the wheel.

Jane: (mischievous) You COULD sit in the front … make sure he stays awake…

Daria: (sullen; deadpan) One of these days, Jane … right to the moon.

(A car horn sounds. Daria and Jane turn to see Lynn driving a silver Mercedes convertible. As she steps out of the car, we see that she's wearing a pair of black jeans instead of a skirt. The rest of her outfit is the same as always.)

Lynn: Hi, guys.

Daria: Hey.

Jane: Whoa! Love the wheels! (beat; enviously) Tell me they're not yours.

Lynn: (grin) You have no excuse to kill me in a fit of jealous rage, Jane. The car's not mine … yet. I have a feeling that Mom's going to be presenting me the keys to this beauty as a graduation present. I thought we could use the room … and I don't like the look of Trent's car.

Jane: I've seen worse.

Daria: Oh, yeah; whatever happened to Tom, anyway?6

Jane: I don't want that name mentioned ever again.

Daria: (taken aback) Okay…

Lynn: I swear, one of these days the in-jokes with you two will drive me insane.

(Trent stumbles out of the house.)

Trent: Tell me again why we had to leave this early?

Jane: It's a long drive … oh, by the way, we're taking Lynn's car as well as the Tank.

Trent: (surveys the Mercedes) Cool. Yours?

Lynn: Vaguely. Trent, need to talk to you about some of the equipment I'm lugging in the trunk.


Jane: (over her shoulder) All right, all right! (to Daria) Come on, Daria.

(They leave. Lynn opens the trunk to reveal a bunch of recording equipment.)

Lynn: Will there be enough room to set some of this stuff up onstage?

Trent: Plenty. We're sort of minimalist.

Lynn: (thought VO) Minimal on the instrumental talent front, anyway. (aloud) Cool. Now, your act won't involve any overt guitar-swinging or smashing things, will it? I can't afford to replace this stuff if you break it. (beat) Neither can you, if you get me.

Trent: Pricey stuff, huh?

Lynn: Oh yeah.

Trent: Nah. We don't break stuff.

Lynn: (thought VO) People's eardrums don't count, obviously. (aloud) Good. (beat) Now, what do you want to do about seating arrangements?

Trent: (blush) Huh?

Lynn: (businesslike) Let me put it to you in terms you can understand. You. Daria. Backseat of the Mercedes. Time to talk. I'll drive and pay NO attention at all. The others can ride in your car or the Tank. As close to privacy as you're going to get without being obvious/7

Trent: (sheepish) Oh yeah. Cool.

(Trent wanders off. Lynn looks after him with a fond, exasperated expression)

END ACT 1 – ADVERTS [Lead-in: Lynn pulling up to the Lane house in the Merc.]

(Scene: outside the Lane house. Music: "Dumb" by Garbage. The Tank pulls away from the kerb, followed closely by Lynn in the Mercedes.)

(Scene: Cranberry Commons. Music plays on. We see the Fashion Club standing in front of J J Jeeters, looking in the window.)

Quinn: And I KNOW it's a little too soon to tell or anything, because I'm, like, still really young and all that, but if I WAS going to get engaged, I'd want… (searches the window display) THAT ring.

(We see the ring. It is a tasteful design, with five oval diamond chips like daisy petals around a round sapphire stone in the centre.)

Stacy: (admiring) Wow, Quinn, you have SUCH good taste!

Quinn: (false modesty) I know.

Sandi: (smug) Maybe … but you haven't got very … shall we say, DISCERNING taste, HAVE you, Quinn?

Quinn: (confused) What do you mean, Sandi?

Sandi: I mean, if a man REALLY loves you, he should want to buy you something like THAT.

('That' is a very large solitaire diamond on a platinum band. Very gaudy and obviously expensive.)

Quinn: (trying not to be smug) But SANDI, I mean, what's the point of HAVING an engagement ring if it's not something you'd be proud to show off?

Sandi: (angry) Are you saying that you wouldn't be proud to show OFF something I chose?

(Stacy and Tiffany shrink back in fear, but Quinn faces her down.)

Quinn: What I'm saying, SANDI, is that it's MY imaginary engagement and MY choice and expensive isn't always best!

(Sandi looks like she's about to explode … but is interrupted by a saleslady coming out of the shop.)

Saleslady: (to Quinn) You're Quinn Morgendorffer, right?

Quinn: (confused) That's right…

Saleslady: Someone left a package here for you. (hands over a small box) The lad said, "From your Phantom Admirer"… whatever that means. (exit)

Quinn: Ooh! He's sending me secret PRESENTS!

(She opens the box. Inside are a pair of exquisitely worked silver earrings with a small oval piece of obsidian set in each. They don't look gaudy or expensive but they are beautiful. Sandi looks green. Stacy looks impressed. Tiffany just looks confused.)

Quinn: Oh!

(Scene: the Mercedes, somewhere on a road in Carter County. Music: "Tragedy" by Coal Chamber. Lynn looks in the rear view mirror; when we see from her point of view, we see Trent and Daria sitting on opposite sides of the backseat, not speaking to each other.)

Lynn: (thought VO) Damn. This is going to require a catalyst. (aloud) Hey guys, can we do something? I'm getting IMMENSELY bored up here.

Trent: How about the picnic game? We came up with some intense stuff the last time … right, Daria?8

Daria: (blush) Yeah.

Lynn: You guys are demented. But … okay, the picnic game. Who wants to start?

(Scene: the Tank. Max is driving; Nick's got shotgun. Jane and Jesse are sitting in the back, leaning forward to join in the conversation.)

Max: I'm going to the picnic and I'm bringing … an allergy to all things work-related.

(Scene: the Mercedes. Music plays on.)

Lynn: I'm going to the picnic and I'm bringing Axl Rose's personalised running shoes and … barbecued Branch Dividians.9

(Scene: the Tank. Music plays on.)

Jane: I'm going to the picnic and I'm bringing an allergy to all things work-related … a bourgeois outlook on modern-day society…

(Scene: the Mercedes. Music plays on.)

Daria: … a cangue for my sins…

Trent: I forgot to ask; what's a cangue?

Lynn: (interrupting in manner of game show contestant) A heavy wooden board worn around the neck like a yoke.

Daria: (agreement) Common form of punishment in China.

Trent: Right. Sorry.

Daria: Where was I? Oh yeah … Darth Maul on a speed trip … an Eco-warrior down on his luck…

(Scene: the Tank. Music plays on.)

Nick: A flux capacitor … and great green gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts!10

(Scene: the Mercedes. Music plays on.)

Trent: …Imperialist dogs to take against the wall and shoot … a Jacobean tragedy unfolding … and Kyuss' latest album to melt in the microwave.11

(Scene: the Tank. Music plays on.)

Jesse: … a laser scalpel … marital aids … Nostradamus' final unheard prophesy about Bill Gates sticking his…

(There is an evil noise and a billow of smoke from the hood of the Tank. Music stops abruptly.)

Max: My baby! NO!

(Scene: the Mercedes.)

Lynn: … Needles and syringes so I don't have to share … occult jewellery … parasites living in my guts … Quentin Tarantino's best one-liners … and Ronald Reagan's head on a stick.

(The Mercedes passes the dead Tank.)

Daria: I'm going to the picnic and I'm bringing … Hey, was that the Tank back there?

END ACT 2 – ADVERTS [Lead-in: Max screaming as the Tank starts belching smoke.]

(Scene: somewhere on a deserted road in Carter County. Music: "Scarecrow" by Ministry. The Tank is pulled over on the shoulder and the Mercedes is parked in front of it. Max is poking around under the hood.)

Max: What the hell?

Trent: What?

Max: There is glue in my engine!

Jane: Whoops…

Max: (menacing) You put GLUE in my engine?

Jane: Hey, it was the only way we could have got it going again!12 I mean it was that or walk miles to call for help! (beat) Anyway, I bet that's not what's wrong with it.

Max: Well, it could be!

Daria: But you don't know?

Max: (flustered) Well … I … Well, none of YOU knows what's wrong with it!

Lynn: (John Cleese imitation) I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead. That's what's wrong with it.13 (sigh) Step aside, slap-head. (to Daria) Go in the trunk of the Mercedes and get that book on emergency auto mechanics, would you?

Trent: (impressed) You know auto mechanics?

Lynn: (casual) In a manner of speaking…

(Scene: somewhere on a deserted road in Carter County. It's moving towards sunset now. Music plays on. Lynn is ripping a part an unidentified piece of audio equipment and using bits to patch up a starter motor. At her side is The Fugitive's Guide To Emergency Auto Mechanics.)

Lynn: Damn. When was the last time you maintained this thing?

Max: Hey, the Tank is indestructible.

Lynn: And yet twice now it's stranded unwary travellers on the road to nowhere. Funny, that.

(A few feet away, Trent and Daria are sitting side by side on the grass. Trent has his acoustic guitar out.)

Trent: Déjà vu, huh, Daria?

Daria: Yeah. (beat) So…

Trent: So…

(Nick approaches)

Nick: Hey, Trent, how long do you think it'll take to fix the Tank?

Trent: (both annoyed and relieved) Well, Lynn looks like she knows what she's doing … but I don't think Max likes anyone fooling around with his baby.

(We focus on the Tank again. Lynn is now leaning into the engine housing, standing on tiptoe. We can't see her upper body at all. Max is standing protectively beside the Tank, looking very worried.)

Max: (stressed) What are you doing?

Lynn: (annoyed) What have you put this poor car through? I haven't been reading up on this stuff for long, but from what I can see, the glue was the most stable thing holding this engine together!

Max: (angry) Are you insulting the Tank?

Lynn: (barely controlled anger) No … if anything, I'm insulting the careless owner who makes such a show of loving his damn vehicle but lets it fall into THIS sort of condition.

(Back to Daria, Trent and Nick. Jane and Jesse come out of the back of the Tank, bearing bags.)

Jane: Hey, we got warm orange soda and stale Twinkies! Let's eat!

Lynn: (OS) Your fuel line's seen better days … your plugs need a cleaning … I bet your brake lines are screwed… (snap) Will you get out of my light, you automotive amateur? I'm trying to see if your damn block's cracked!

Max: (OS; panicked) Stop it! Stop! You'll hurt her!

Lynn: (OS; exasperated) It's an inanimate OBJECT, Max. For the love of God, grow up! Read my lips; IT DOES NOT FEEL PAIN!

Jesse: Hey, are we ever gonna get to The Horn Dog?

Max: (OS; scandalised) I can't believe you said that!

Lynn: (OS; nearly yelling) Well, *I* can't believe I'm stranded in the middle of nowhere with a total moron, either, but if that's possible I suppose ANYTHING is!

Jane: Well, since she's the only one capable of fixing the Tank…

Daria: …And she's currently occupied with insulting your drummer…

Jane: … Or, more accurately, insulting his auto repair skills…

Daria: … And worse yet, implying that the Tank is less than human…

Daria & Jane: (in unison) …Probably not.

(Scene: somewhere on a deserted road in Carter County. Twilight is falling. Jane has her shirt in her hand and looks poised to wave it at passing cars. Unfortunately, there ARE no passing cars. Lynn is on the verge of falling into the engine compartment of the Tank. In the still evening air, we hear clanking and the odd mutter from under the hood. Max is watching with something like awe in his face. Jesse and Nick are asleep in the back seat of the Mercedes and Daria and Trent are still sitting cross-legged on the grass. Trent is strumming at his guitar.)

Trent: Nice night, huh Daria?

Daria: Yeah. It's nice when it's quiet like this. Gives you a chance to hear yourself think.

Trent: Yeah. (uncomfortable pause) Daria, I…

(And, with impeccably bad timing, Jane wanders up.)

Jane: Hey Trent, any idea how… (realises that she's made a rather large tactical error) Oh. Am I interrupting something?

Daria: (truthfully, but blushing due to her proximity to Trent) No.

Trent: (steaming) Not really.

Jane: (isn't convinced) Well, I was just wondering if you knew how Lynn was coming on the Tank.

Daria: I don't know. The mutters from under the hood sound less like profanity, if that tells you anything.

Trent: And Max has stopped yelling at her.

Jane: Well, love him, love his van…

Daria: I wouldn't say that around her if I were you. Remember, she's our only chance at a ride home. She has the only working car and she's the only one capable of fixing the other one.

Jane: Good point. I'll save up all my taunting for school on Monday.

(Lynn hauls herself out from under the hood and slams it shut. She is a grease-smeared wreck but she looks rather proud of herself.)

Lynn: Well, if she doesn't work now, she never will. Fire her up, Max!

(Max gets behind the wheel of the Tank and turns the key. The engine roars into life.)

Max: All right! She never sounded better!

Lynn: Just get her to a REAL auto mechanic before too long, okay? I have no way of telling how long that jury-rigging will last.

Max: All right, we're on our way to The Horn Dog!

Jane: Can we still make it before the Grunge Grandstander's Gala starts?

Trent: What time is it?

Daria: Seven forty-five.

Trent: If we hurry.

Max: Aw, Trent, you KNOW the Tank can't do more than fifty miles per hour! She's sensitive!

Lynn: Max … push her to ninety. (beat as Max gives her an incredulous look) Trust me.

(Scene: somewhere on a deserted road in Carter County. Music: "Crash" by Aerosmith. The Tank burns rubber out of shot, followed by the Mercedes.)

(Scene: the Mercedes. Music plays on. Daria is sitting alone it the back seat. Jane is sitting with Lynn up front.)

Lynn: Wonder why the guys wanted the Tank to themselves?

Jane: What did you SAY to him, Daria?

Daria: (puzzled) What?

Jane: When I came over to you guys and interrupted…

Lynn: You INTERRUPTED them? (sigh) Jane, you're an idiot.

Daria & Jane: (in unison; confused) What?

Lynn: (sigh) Never mind…

(Scene: outside The Horn Dog of Carter County. A banner over the door reads Carter County Grunge Grandstander's Gala 1999. We see the Tank and the Mercedes parked out front. Whooping and cheering come from the inside.)

(Scene: inside The Horn Dog of Carter County. Mystik Spiral is onstage, while the girls stand behind what is obviously Lynn's recording equipment.)

Lynn: (worried) I sure hope this stuff works without those parts in it.

Jane: (suspicious) What parts?

Lynn: (sad and sheepish) A lot of the stuff that looked redundant in my recording equipment and seemed like it might help fix the Tank … I gave up in the name of getting us here.

(Jane and Daria look at her sympathetically. Then Trent hits a grinding chord)

Trent: Hey people. We're Mystik Spiral … but we're thinking of changing our name. We came up with this one on the road tonight. It's called Subversive Teenage Roadies.

Daria, Jane, Lynn: (in unison) Subversive Teenage Roadies?

Trent: (singing) Our crummy van broke down
In someplace just like hell
And we were lost for good
As far as we could tell
We didn't call on God
We knew he didn't care
At least we had the sense
To have our roadies there

Trent & Jesse: (in unison, singing) Subversive teenage roadies
Subversive teenage roadies
Subversive teenage roadies fixed our car

Subversive teenage roadies
Subversive teenage roadies
Those three teen roadies got us where we are

(Guitar solo.)

Lynn: (struggling against laughter) Subversive teenage roadies fixed their car?

Daria: (deadpan) It was only you that fixed the car.

Jane: (smirk) Artistic license.

Lynn: (sigh) It's not quite being Deborah from Disco 2000, but it'll do in a pinch.14

Trent & Jesse: (in unison, singing) Subversive teenage roadies
Subversive teenage roadies
Subversive teenage roadies…

(Song ends in a cacophony of slightly missed chords, distortion pedal abuse and an overenthusiastic drum solo from Max. The girls wince a little while no one's watching.)

(Scene: outside The Horn Dog of Carter County. The gang, minus Lynn, are standing over the Mercedes' hood reading a map – the one that Jesse's brother drew for their tour of Carter County in The Daria Database.)

Jane: There sure are a lot of camping/murder scenes in this area.

Daria: Probably has something do to with the guy with a hook for a hand across the lake.

Max: (vaguely worried) Um … guys? Where's Lynn?

Daria: Talking to the owner.

Nick: She thought he might be able to suggest a decent place to stay tonight.

Trent: (more than vaguely worried) What time is it?

Daria: Twelve-thirty … why?

Trent, Jesse, Nick, Max: (in unison, horrified) The dogs!

(From behind the building comes a volley of frenzied, vicious barking and a high-pitched scream.)


(The barking becomes more vicious. There is an incoherent scream and a gunshot. The gang looks at each other and then break into a run for the building.)

(Scene: the Mercedes. Music: "Something In The Way" by Nirvana. Dawn is breaking. Daria is asleep in the back seat. Trent's driving. Lynn is riding shotgun. Her left arm is bandage, her shirt is ripped, her face is a bit scratched and her glasses are mended with duct tape.)

Lynn: (monotone) Wolf/German shepherd crossbreeds?15

Trent: (worried) Sure we shouldn't get you to a hospital?

Lynn: Next time, warn someone about the psychotic owner and the vicious dogs.

Trent: (shamefaced) I talked to Mike. They've had shots.

Lynn: He had to shoot one to get it off me.

Trent: (still shamefaced) You got near them at feeding time.


Lynn: No luck talking to Daria?

Trent: (sheepish and a bit angry) The right time never came. No privacy.

Lynn: (gentle) There's time.

(Trent smiles at her gratefully. She returns it.)

(Scene: Jane's room. Music plays on. Jane is painting a representation of Lynn's encounter with the dogs. Lynn is still reading up on emergency auto mechanics. Daria is writing.)

Daria: (looking up) Ivory fangs?

Lynn: (thoughtful) Yeah … but old ivory … stained with the blood of a thousand victims.

Daria: (admiringly) Hmm … I like that. (bends to her notebook again)

Jane: (bracing) Well, at least we got some excitement this weekend.

Lynn: (wistful) Too bad the recording never came out. I think I pulled one wire too many for the Tank.

Jane: No one minds. (beat) So long as we tag along when they play 15 to Life next week…

(Daria and Lynn look at each other. Then, in unison, they glare at Jane, stand up and walk out of the room)

Jane: (running after them) Oh, come on, you guys! Jesse says the ex-cons are cool!16



1] Way back in "A Meeting of the Brains", Jane complains to Daria of this.

2] Actually, the Lane family reunion as seen in "The Teachings of Don Jake" was supposed to last for days. Jane and Trent lasted approximately 24 hours.

3] Thank you, Austin Loomis, for pointing out to me that Lawndale is IN Carter County.

4] See "Run Away From Homecoming" for the first mention of the site I so much wish existed.

5] The secret admirer that Quinn is babbling about appears in "Trick or Trent".

6] Tom makes an appearance in "Jane's Addition". I didn't know he existed until somewhere in the middle of "Grating Expectations". This is track-covering.

7] Trent declared love for Daria in "Trick or Trent". Unfortunately for all concerned, he confessed it to the wrong look-alike due to the nearly identical costumes.

8] They played this in "The Road Worrier". As I recall, they came up with things like "the cryogenically frozen head of Walt Disney".

9] You all probably know about David Koresh and the Branch Dividian thing that happened in Waco, Texas oh-so-long ago … the one that inspired such jokes as "How do you pick up a Branch Dividian chick? With a Dustbuster."

10] Someone had to say it.

11] Personal prejudice time – I hate Kyuss. I have actually heard them, so I'm entitled.

12] "The Road Worrier" again. Daria, Jane, Trent and Jesse stranded in the middle of nowhere. Jane glued the engine back together.

13] Hey Austin! I finally found a Monty Python reference! The Dead Parrot Sketch!

14] I know someone who knew the Deborah from that Pulp song. Hooray for the five-step theory; I indirectly know Jarvis Cocker.

15] One of the notes on The Horn Dog in the map in The Daria Database states that Mike, the owner, breeds wolf/German shepherd crossbreeds. "Ask to feed one."

16] Same map. Different bar. Danny says "interesting" but I don't think I've ever heard Jesse say words upwards of two syllables. Sorry; I tell a lie. The word 'another' has three.


Daria and related characters owned by MTV, a Viacom company [created by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn]. Lynn Cullen was created and is owned by Janet "Canadibrit" Neilson, copyright 1999, 2000. I've credited Monty Python in the endnotes and given all song titles with the names of the bands that played them. Don't sue me – it's not worth it. Feel free to archive this fic [tell me where it is, though, please] but if you want to use my character, ask first or I WILL pull a Lynn Cullen on you. And then I'll call lawyers.

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