(Opening sequence. Music: "You're Standing On My Neck", Splendora1

Ms Li's office. Daria and Lynn looking at each other with identical looks of assessment and deadpan curiosity.

Cullen house, exterior. A small, thin redhead in a blue flack-jacket and black jeans drops to his knees and begins to salaam to Daria and Lynn, who are peering out an upstairs window.

LHS classroom. Daria, Jane and Lynn stand in a doorway, smirking. Jane carries a Polaroid camera.

Lane house, exterior. Daria, wearing a white peasant blouse, green half-corset, black skirt and black cloak with green satin lining [no glasses] stares in shock at Lynn, who wears an identical outfit bar the colour of the cloak lining and half-corset [purple] and an equally shocked look.

LHS corridor. Daria and Jane watched with bemusement as DeMartino drags a screaming Lynn past them by her ear.

LHS gymnasium. On a stage rigged at one end, Trent rams his guitar through a bass drum.

Science lab. The redhead, wearing safety goggles, pushes a button and ducks under the desk an instant before the model of Lawndale High that graces that desk blows up.

LHS corridor. Daria, Jane, Lynn and the redhead watch, smirking, as Ms Li is dragged down the hall handcuffed to a policeman. A camera crew whose equipment bears the Sick Sad World logo follows behind them.

Daria and Lynn side-by-side again, smirking slightly. As the original montage sequence, the camera pulls in and then out again to reveal two interlocking circles; one contains the Daria logo and the other contains a corresponding 'Lynn' version. Underneath are the words: "Daria in…")


A Daria Fan Fiction – Episode 1:03 of The Look-Alike Series

(Mr O'Neill's classroom, day. Daria is reading The Bell Jar. Lynn is reading "Beginner's Guide To Hiring A Hit Man – Where To Go, What To Ask For!" Kevin is reading an Archie comic. No one is paying a great deal of attention to Mr O'Neill, but everyone but Kevin at least seems to have one ear open.)

O'Neill: Now class, next week is Poetry Week, so for Monday I'd like you all to bring in a poem that really says, 'I feel'! Remember, those feelings are there to express, so GO with them! GO where they move you!

Daria: (not looking up from her book) Does this still apply if I feel nauseous?

Lynn: (not looking up from her book either) Of course it does. And believe me, I second that emotion. We're moved by this tripe towards the bathroom where we can talk to God on the great white telephone.

Daria: (face still in book) I can go with that.

(Scene: Lynn's room. Music: 'Superstar' by Cold. Daria & Lynn are flipping through notebooks.)

Lynn: How about 'Deathwish'?

Daria: A bit light on its feet for a first-timer.

Lynn: 'Good-Bye Cruel World'?

Daria: Do you really want to start your time at Lawndale High with a poem with the same title as a Pink Floyd song?

Lynn: (miffed) Hey, I LIKE Pink Floyd … (gives in) but I see your point. What about 'Facades'?

Daria: (obviously not convinced) Maybe…

Lynn: (makes a disgusted sound & throws her notebook on the floor) Death to the English teachers of the world.

Daria: Now THAT'S a poem I'd like to hear. (notices that a sheet of paper has fallen out of Lynn's notebook; picks it up and starts reading it)

Lynn: Oh, God, not THAT one…

Daria: (looking up) This is really good. This is the one you should go with, definitely.

Lynn: I can't read that in front of everyone. It's too personal.

Daria: Exactly why you should read that one. That level of honesty is the one thing guaranteed to make everyone squirm … including Mr O'Neill.

Lynn: (allowing herself to be swayed) Well … all right. But YOU have to go with 'Killing Mommy'.

Daria: (raised eyebrow) I think I can handle that.

(Scene dissolve to Daria's deadpan face in Mr O'Neill's class. She is just finishing her poem.)

Daria: 'I told you that one day
I'd take your life
You didn't believe me
Believe my knife'.

(O'Neill looks rather green around the gills. Andrea, at the back of the room, wears an interested expression. Kevin is obviously trying to puzzle the humour out of a Garfield comic. Lynn, not looking up from her book – still the hit man thing – smirks and gives a thumbs-up sign.)

O'Neill: (looking rather aghast … & nauseous) Um … that was … very interesting … Daria. (desperate search for levity) Kevin? What have you shared with us?

Kevin: (Drops his comic book, stands up eagerly) Um … here goes. 'My hot girlfriend's named Brittany Taylor/I tell you, man, I LOVE to nail…

O'Neill: (yelp) Kevin! That's … not … quite the feeling I was hoping for when I brought up this assignment. I was thinking more … emotions.

Kevin: Aw, man! (Drops into his seat to the snickers of others. He smiles at everyone, thinking they're laughing at O'Neill.)

O'Neill: (reluctant, but knows this is his best chance at seeing talent after Daria) Lynn?

(Lynn marks her place in her book with a ruler, puts it down carefully, and gets to her feet with a sigh.)

Lynn: 'In every school picture
The smile grows smaller
Marking the passage/Brightness to bleak

Cruelty of children
Blows in the cloakroom
Taunts in the schoolyard
Always alone

Moving through childhood
Feeling imperfect
Feeling abnormal
Feeling despised

Secret unfolded
Life is not perfect
Books said it would be
God, how they lied.'

(A dead silence falls over the class. Pan across the room, where people are mostly wearing stunned expressions, bar Kevin – who just looks confused – and Andrea – who looks a little impressed. They are all staring at Lynn. She sits down slowly, not making any sudden moves. O'Neill is sitting very quietly at his desk, eyes wide and lips trembling. Suddenly, he bolts to his feet, knocking over his desk chair, and runs out of the room, sobbing pitifully. There is more stunned silence in the wake of his departure.)

Lynn: (to Daria) He's not coming back, is he.

Daria: (to Lynn) I doubt it.


Lynn: Class dismissed. (beat) Well, no one else was going to say it.

(Scene: Cafeteria. Music: 'Dope Hat' by Marilyn Manson. Daria & Lynn are sitting across from Jane at one of those tables. All three are poking at their pseudo-food.)

Jane: So he just … voom … took off? (makes hand motion like aeroplane taking off)

Daria: Like the Concorde.

Lynn: Guess my poem unlocked some of his inner demons for him … and they ate him alive. (beat) That's kind of cool, when you think about it.

Daria: Well, at least I got a reaction this time. He really looked like he was going to scream. Or puke. Or both.

Jane: Well, 'Killing Mommy' is a classic.

Daria: It's had years to mature.

(brief pause)

Jane: So … what do you think he'll DO to you after you made the poor marshmallow melt like that?

Daria: Well, we're too good at what we do for him to just flunk us over this. I mean, we did the assignment to the best of our abilities.

Lynn: Yeah. After all, he was the one who told us to go where the feeling moved us. He didn't have to come along for the ride. It can't possibly be our fault that he didn't want to go where our feelings moved us.

Daria: And I guess his reaction kind of guarantees us an A. I mean, we moved him right out of the room.

Lynn: And possibly his mind.

Jane: Did he ever have one to move out of?

Li: (over PA) Will Ms Lynn Cullen and Ms Daria Morgendorffer please report to the principal's office immediately!

Jane: (half-joking, half-worried) Oops. Should I start practising for my debut as a courtroom sketch artist?2 Or should I just skip the preliminaries and take up knitting at the gallows?

Daria: (to Lynn, deadpan) It's the Green Mile for us, my friend. We will never see another sunrise.

Lynn: We ought to complain to the warden. That was a crappy excuse for a last meal, if you ask me.

END ACT 1 – ADVERTS [Lead-in: Mr O'Neill bursting out of the class in tears]

(Scene: Ms Li's inner sanctum. O'Neill is curled up in a soggy, sobbing heap in a chair next to Ms Li, who is ramrod straight and ice cold behind her desk. Daria and Lynn, uninvited, take seats and stare at her blithely.)

Li: Ms Morgendorffer … Ms Cullen … I would like to know EXACTLY what you did to reduce a member of MY faculty to… (at a loss for words, she gestures to a still-weeping O'Neill) Well, just LOOK at him!

Daria: (deadpan) He asked us to show emotion.

Lynn: (equally deadpan) Stoicism is our cover. Too much emotion from us tends to overwhelm mere mortals such as your faculty member O'Neill.

Daria: (still deadpan) As you have seen, it isn't pretty.

Li: (disgusted & VERY angry) Don't mock me! (sigh) I know how much talent the both of you display … but I cannot see the merit in using it in a way that is so detrimental to the honour and the glory of (that hushed tone) Lawndale High. Do you even realise that there are severe implications resulting from what you've done?

Daria: Mr O'Neill gets paid vacation for post-traumatic stress disorder?

Lynn: Your plans for more bomb-sniffing dogs have to be put back a few months because of the cost of hiring a substitute?

Li: (low & menacing) I can have the both of you thrown into institutions for what you have wrought today.

Daria & Lynn: (in unison, disbelieving) Excuse me?

Li: (smug & evil) I have spoken to Mrs Manson about the worldview you present in your writing. I have also shown her examples of your work. She thinks that you, Ms Cullen, are a chronic depressive and are borderline suicidal. As for you, Ms Morgendorffer, she believes that you fit perfectly into the mould of a sociopath with homicidal tendencies.

Lynn: (to Daria) Borderline suicidal?

Daria: (to Lynn) Homicidal tendencies?

Li: (getting the girls' attention) And she will testify to this before any court in the land, if I urge her to do so. She will CERTAINLY verify confirm those ideas to your parents, should I call them and let them know the havoc you have created. I could have you both committed at a whim.

Lynn: (catching on, but deadpan) But you won't … because you want something from us.

Daria: State your terms.

Li: I have been made aware of an essay competition in 'Waif' magazine … a 'Love Me, Love My School' essay competition. You two are the most promising young writers here at (tone again) Lawndale High. You will write a five thousand word essay on the glory of the school .. being sure to mention its administrator in glowing terms, of course.

Daria: And if we do this…

Li: If you agree to my terms, I will read your finished submission. If it is acceptable and properly respectful of the school, all paperwork relevant to this case will be burned and we will forget this entire unpleasant business of involuntary committal. Furthermore, if your submission wins the contest, I will ignore any and all future comments or complaints from Mr O'Neill concerning your … bleak worldview. (menacing) Now, do we have a deal … or do I start calling parents?

Lynn: (deadpan) This is known as blackmail, isn't it.

Li: (threatening) Do you have a problem with that, Ms Cullen?

Lynn: (thinks, sighs in minor defeat, shrugs) No. I just like to know where I stand, is all. May I have a moment to confer with my colleague before we come to a final decision on this matter?

Li: (eyes narrow suspiciously) You have two minutes. Make them count.

(Lynn drags Daria out of her chair and into the far corner of the room. While their backs are turned, we see Ms Li, looking a little worried, take a surreptitious swig from a small silver hip flask. Back to the girls in sotto voce conversation.)

Daria: (sarcastic & disbelieving) The honour and the glory of Lawndale High? Mentioning its administrator in glowing terms? What planet did she come from?

Lynn: (matter-of-fact) This sucks. Options.

Daria: (moment's thought) It's our word against hers on the blackmail.

Lynn: Do you think we ought to risk it? Would we stand a chance?

Daria: About the same chance a snowflake stands in Hell. She's been buying the school board, piece by piece, for years.

Lynn: (sigh) I say we accept.

Daria: (aghast) WHAT? Are you insane? How are we supposed to write five thousand words about how great Lawndale High is?

Lynn: If we accept now, we'll have bought ourselves some time to think up a way out of this … hopefully without having to abandon our principles and write the stupid essay.

Daria: And if we can't?

Lynn: Look, do you want her to call your parents and tell them – backed up by an actual psychologist – that you need a shrink?

Daria: (morose, seeing the hole she's in) Mom's wanted me in therapy for years.

Lynn: (sigh; she's already seen it) Mine too. Let's face it; she's got us. (beat) We're stuck, Daria.

Li: (loud & sharp) A decision, ladies?

Lynn: (stepping up to the desk) We accept your terms.

Li: (smug) I thought you might. You have two weeks to complete the essay and hand it directly to me. Now … go back to class and resume learning!

(Daria & Lynn share a miserable, trapped look as they leave. Ms Li looks very satisfied at this turn of events and takes a congratulatory swig from her silver hip flask.)

(Scene: Pizza King, after school. Music: 'Dirt' by Alice In Chains. Jane is looking at Daria and Lynn with a concerned look; the look-alikes are picking unidentifiable burnt things off their pizza miserably.)

Jane: You two have been awfully quite since Li got you at lunch.

Daria & Lynn: (in unison, morosely) Hmm.

Jane: (joking, trying to prod some life back into her friends) So … was it simple electroshock, or did she take out the thumbscrews?

(Not even a small grunt as a reply. Daria & Lynn continue to pick at their pizza, not looking at Jane or each other.)

Jane: (rather worried now) Hey, I rented the re-mastered Exorcist. Want to come to my house tonight and watch it with me? I hate watching these things alone. (tempting tone) And you can pretend it's Brittany's head spinning and spitting green goo.

(Still no reply. Jane's expression turns calculating as Daria and Lynn don't respond)

Jane: (smirk) Oh, by the way, Trent, Max and Jesse have asked to triple date with us. We were planning to grab a burger and then head out to the abandoned quarry for a serious make-out session. But don't worry – Max is having the emergency brake on The Tank fixed specially for the occasion.

(To Jane's amazement, both girls still don't react. Not a blush, not a frown, nothing.)

Jane: (fed up) Oh, come ON, you two! I mean, you should have at least told me to go to hell by now! (pause) What did Ms Li DO to you two, anyway?

Daria: Broke our spirits…

Lynn: Took our dignity…

Daria: And has her jackboot on the throat of our only creative outlet.

Jane: (pause for thought) I don't think I follow.

Daria: She ordered us to sing the school's praises. In writing. For publication nation-wide. In Waif magazine.

Jane: (still a little confused) Yeah … that sounds like it really sucks … but how can she enforce that?

Lynn: If we don't, she makes a few phone calls. Next thing you know, we're thrown into little rubber rooms where we wear white jackets that make us hug ourselves all day long and weave baskets.

Jane: (it finally hits her; thought VO) Jesus. I make jokes about electroshock and they might be looking at it for real.3(gropes for words, fails) I have no response to that.

Daria: So now we have two weeks to bring out the laudable points of Lawndale High … and Ms Li … or we get committed to an indeterminate amount of psychiatric hell.

Lynn: (mutter) Mrs Ratbag, if you don't mind my saying so, you are clearly in need of an expensive course of psycho-actric treatment. Now I'm not saying a visit to our dairy can cure you, but it could provide hundreds of lower-paid workers with a good laugh. (beat; to Daria and Jane's lost expressions) Never mind. Anyway, not even Python can make this situation funny.4

Jane: Like puppets can't make wacky morning radio DJs funny.5 (shrugs) So what's the problem? You two are used to fiction. Just lie through your teeth. It can't be that hard.

(There is a silence. Jane's face shows sudden awareness of having said the wrong thing.)

Daria: I can't believe you said that, Jane. I mean, there's a principle involved here.


Daria: Forget it. I'm out of here. (gets up & walks out)

Jane: But…

Lynn: I don't believe you said that, Jane.

Jane: I didn't…

Lynn: Excuse me, but Daria and I have go to throw our personal integrity and complete set of morals out the window. (she also leaves)

Jane: But … I… (looks at the mostly uneaten pizza with growing misery) Crap.

(Montage sequence. Music: Tell Me Lies – Fleetwood Mac.6 In Daria's room, Daria and Lynn are writing. They put down pencils, swap notebooks, and skim each other's work. They then sigh, tear off the sheet of paper, crumple it up, and toss the crumpled papers in the wastepaper basket.

New scene: in the Lawndale High Cafeteria. Jane watches sorrowfully from a distance as Lynn and Daria leaf through a book together. Title: "How To Get The Most Enjoyment From Psychiatric Drug Therapy – A Guide To The Highs And Lows Of Institutionalisation".

New scene: Lawndale High corridor. Daria and Lynn trudge dispiritedly past Ms Li's open office door. Ms Li stands in the doorway, smirking with her apparent victory.

New scene: Daria's wastepaper basket, CU. Time-delay style footage of it filling to overflow.

Montage fades into a similar scene – Daria's room, Daria in her 'eating at my soul' pose and Lynn reading "The Politician's Secrets Revealed – How To Lie Without Really Lying" – to the one we see at the start of the montage.)

Lynn: (morose) My brain is melting under the strain. I've gone through two jars of instant coffee. And I've used the 'Delete' key on my keyboard so often you can't read it anymore. Have we got anything that's even remotely useful?

Daria: (equally morose) I'm in the same boat as you are. It's been a week, and I've had nothing … unless you count headaches, depression, and a really bad caffeine overdose two days ago. There is absolutely nothing laudable to say about Lawndale High School.

Lynn: I figured as much. (beat) I'd feel better if we could at least think up a half-convincing lie.

Daria: (a bit more life) I am not giving up my honest worldview just because some tyrant wants me in a different padded cell than the one I currently occupy.

Lynn: Yeah. (sigh. pause) And Ms Li thought I was borderline suicidal before. (humourless chuckle) She should see me now.

Daria: I'd sure like to show her a homicidal tendency or two.

Lynn: (slowly, glimmer of hope as something she sees in her book takes hold) Well, Daria … she IS making us open to some unexplored parts of ourselves…

Daria: (catching on, speeding it up) …Pushing us to our personal limits … encouraging us to strive for a common goal no matter how unattainable it may seem … giving two young writers a chance at publication at such a young age because of her implicit belief in our abilities.

Lynn: (snicker) This is SUCH a load of faeces tauri.

Daria: (cruel little Mona Lisa smile) Feels good, doesn't it.

END ACT 2 – ADVERTS [Lead-in: Jane looking at her pizza with growing misery]

(Scene: Faculty Lounge. It is deserted. Music: 'Lie No Limits' by Out. Lynn & Daria enter the room and look around.)

Daria: Bad carpeting with huge stain on it, Salvation Army furniture, 'peace' foot decals on the walls...7

Lynn: "A comfortable dιcor serving to remind the teachers of their own youthful outlook, which cannot help but to produce a better understanding between teacher and student."

Daria: Where did you come up with that?

Lynn: They were young and stupid – that's why they are where they are. They resent us for still being young enough to think we know it all and still having the opportunities they realise they threw away. We understand that. We resent them for treating us like garbage just because we were born two decades or so later than they were, and for thinking we have it better somehow. They understand that.

Daria: (shrugs) That's a kind of understanding.

Lynn: The tricky part is mentioning the security camera, hidden mike and panic alarm.

Daria: "No expense spared to protect all contents from potential harm and loss"?

Lynn: That'll work. I like the way you avoided the word 'theft'.

Daria: It's a gift.

(Scene: Mr O'Neill's English class. Also deserted. Music: Still 'Lie No Limits' Lynn and Daria are sitting on top of their desks, looking around.)

Lynn: Mouldy books, print date 1965?

Daria: "Bona fide classics".

Lynn: The 'surprise' pop quiz he gives every other Friday?8

Daria: "An easy and clear-cut approach to the examination process".

Lynn: Teacher absent due to nervous breakdown?

Daria: (Mona Lisa smile) Open learning.

(Scene: Ms Barch's science class. Daria and Lynn are looking at the chalkboard, which has "I am male, therefore I suck" written on it over and over again, as in "The Daria Database")

Lynn: "Whereas science is traditionally a study of the male of the species perpetrated entirely by males, Lawndale High School has a female science teacher who attempts to redress the balance of a male-oriented profession by teaching things from a more feminine perspective."

Daria: Works for me. Damn, we're good.

(Scene: Lynn's room. Daria is perched on the floor while Lynn sits at a large ornate L-shaped desk by the window, tapping on a Microsoft (tm) ergonomic keyboard.)

Lynn: We've still come up with nothing on Ms Li. Give me an overview of her best-known qualities and we'll see what we can come up with.

Daria: Ruthless, dictatorial … knowing I won't be done for slander, I'll go with Nazi-like. Rules are made to be followed … except when it's her.

Lynn: That's easy; "follows a high-quality standard of leadership with flawless rigidity … but willing to show a certain necessary level of flexibility when circumstances demand it". Anything else?

Daria: Excessively paranoid.

Lynn: "Fully conscious of her responsibilities for all aspects of student welfare."

Daria: Embezzles every penny she can get her hands on.

Lynn: "Aware of the fiscal responsibilities inherent in her position and makes the best use possible of existing funds."

Daria: From a certain point of view…

Lynn: Yeah. Hers. And it's her we're worried about.

Daria: Point taken.

(Scene: Art room. Music: still 'Lie No Limits'. Jane is inside, working on a piece of very dark and melancholy abstract art. Daria and Lynn enter; Jane, with her back to them, doesn't notice.)

Lynn: (speaking to the room in general) Haven of honesty, we salute you!

(Jane turns around quickly, surprised. Daria and Lynn don't notice, being too busy rummaging around the room, looking for things to write about.)

Daria: Don't be so sure. Remind me to tell you about when Jane and I got roped into the "Students at the Dawn of the New Millennium" poster contest.9

Lynn: Attack of the Nazi Jackboot?

Daria: Yep. (looks in a cupboard) Here we have meagre amounts of cheap art supplies. Your turn.

Lynn: Hmm … that's a tricky one, all right. How about, "Teaching the starving artist to live and work by his or her means."

Daria: Needs work.

Lynn: Yeah … maybe "A room where creativity is not determined by materials but is held within the artist's fertile mind. Art courses include a solid grounding many artistic schools of thought, including the idea of minimalism".

Daria: That sounds more like it. (beat) We should go into politics.

(Jane accidentally drops her paintbrush, and Lynn and Daria turn to face her.)

Lynn: (awkward) Hi, Jane.

Daria: (awkward) Hey.

Jane: (just as awkward) Hey.


Lynn: (holds out notebook) Comments for 'Operation Faeces Tauri'?

Jane: We're out of black paint. (beat) And I'm sorry?

Daria: (accepting) Yeah.

Lynn: (same) Yeah.

Jane: (questioning, wry) 'Operation Faeces Tauri'?

Lynn: (deadpan) Excreta of male bovine.

Jane: (gets it; smirk) Oh, I SEE! Can I have a look?

Daria: (hands over thick pile of paper) Not far to go now. We've hit the four thousand word mark already and we've still managed to keep it honest.

Lynn: From a certain point of view, anyway.

Jane: You will find that a great many things in life entirely depend on your point of view.10

Lynn: Bad 'Star Wars' misquote.

Jane: But it's mine.

(Pause as Jane reads. Expressions on her face go from confusion to evil mocking grin & back again. Once she even laughs. Eventually she stops, really stuck.)

Jane: Okay, even I don't understand this one, you two. You said honest.

Daria: Yeah.

Jane: How do you figure Mrs Bennett as "A fine demonstrator of the nation's economic standing and future development?

Daria: No one understands her diagrams … kind of like the stock market and the Dow Jones averages.11

Lynn: And at the end of the day, everything of even potential value is wiped off the board, leaving the hungry masses with squat.

Jane: (shaking her head and chuckling) I shouldn't have told you that you had to lie. You two make me damn proud.

(There's a pause. Neither Daria nor Lynn is comfortable with so much praise.)

Daria: Um … we'll be done by the end of school today. Feel like hitting Pizza King later?

Jane: Sounds good. We'll celebrate your escape from the lion's jaws in style.

Lynn: (warning) Just as long as it's nothing like the celebration of earning ourselves our pizza money.12

Jane: (conceding) Just us girls.

Lynn: Cool. (turning away, notices the painting) Oh, love the canvas. New?

Jane. Yeah. I think this one's going to be yet another Lane unfinished wonder. My inspiration for it's pretty well out the window now.

(Shared sheepish looks)

(Scene: Jane's room. Music: 'A Million Lies' by Misery Loves Co. Jane painting. Lynn reading – "Pass Hospital-Grade Psychiatric Evaluations First Time – A Depressive's Guide To Staying Out Of Straitjackets!". Daria channel-surfing.)

Daria: Nope. (beat) Nope. (beat) Hmm … nope. (beat) God, what IS this soppy crap? (beat) When's Sick Sad World on again?

Jane: The new series ended last week, and the reruns don't start for another two. Don't worry; I've got tapes.

Daria: Great.

Jane: So you two actually did it? No more threats of the wacky ward?

Daria: We watched Mrs Manson's report burn in Ms Li's wastepaper basket. Our poems got As, but the titles and the poems themselves were mysteriously lost.

Lynn: Ms Li was so impressed with our optimistic view of the school that she figured O'Neill was probably overreacting anyway.

Jane: So what's with the book?

Lynn: Always hope for the best while expecting the worst. I don't trust her, so I thought I'd be prepared just in case. Oh, here, Daria – I found you this. (Rummages through her bag and produces another book; "Pass Hospital-Grade Psychiatric Evaluations First Time – A Sociopath's Guide To Staying Out Of Straitjackets!".) There's a whole series of them, actually.

Daria: You have got to tell me where you shop.

Lynn: Next time you're over, I'll go on-line and show you the URL.

Jane: Do they have anything on how to paint a really realistic looking mauling?

Lynn: Maybe. I've never been much into the visual arts.

Jane: So anyway … (wry grin) think you'll win the contest?

Daria: God help us if we do. I don't want the whole country reading 'Operation Faeces Tauri'. They might actually think that Lawndale was a great place to live.

(Jane smirks.)

Lynn: (rising to her defence – and Daria's) Hey, we never told a single lie … just retouched the truth a little.

Jane: Just like presidents 'retouch the truth' about their lives 'a little' just before election, right?

Daria & Lynn: (in unison) Go to Hell, Lane.

Jane: (genuine smile) Great to have you back, you two.



1] Teasers. Yay.

2] It has been rightly pointed out to me that I probably ought to pay tribute to The Daria Diaries at this point, as the inspiration for Jane as a courtroom sketch artists originates from Daria's day planner.

3] Smack my head into a wall, I forgot to credit Austin for this voiceover! Bad Canadibrit!

4] The Psychiatric Dairy sketch, Monty Python. Courtesy of Austin Loomis.

5] "Jake of Hearts" – Jane claims that puppets can make anything funny and then Bing and The Spatula Man turn up. Daria: "What about them? Can puppets make THEM funny?"

6] Thanks to Martin J Pollard for reminding me the name of the band. Apparently he lost all patience and fixed this reference when he was hacking my fics into a halfway-decent format. [Had you known, you could have done that in "And Then There Were Four".]

7] We see this in "The Daria Diaries". This fic was a great way to comment on Lawndale High.

8] Another reference to Daria's "The Daria Diaries" day planner.

9] This happened in "Arts 'n Crass". The madness was only stopped by Helen threatening 'big fat lawsuit'.

10] As another homage to Austin Loomis' fanboy greatness, I will take his advice and give you the direct quote. "Luke, you're going to find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our point of view."

11] In "Malled" and "This Year's Model", we see that Mrs Bennett's diagrams look like the playbook of a football coach on speed.

12] This happened in "The Things We Do For Dough".


Daria and related characters owned by MTV, a Viacom company [created by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn]. Lynn Cullen was created and is owned by Janet "Canadibrit" Neilson, copyright 1999, 2000. I've credited Monty Python in the endnotes and given all song titles with the names of the bands that played them. Don't sue me – it's not worth it. Feel free to archive this fic [tell me where it is, though, please] but if you want to use my characters, ask first or I WILL pull a Lynn Cullen on you. And then I'll call lawyers.