(Opening sequence. Music: "You're Standing On My Neck", Splendora1

Ms Li's office. Daria and Lynn looking at each other with identical looks of assessment and deadpan curiosity.

Cullen house, exterior. A small, thin redhead in a blue flack-jacket and black jeans drops to his knees and begins to salaam to Daria and Lynn, who are peering out an upstairs window.

LHS classroom. Daria, Jane and Lynn stand in a doorway, smirking. Jane carries a Polaroid camera.

Lane house, exterior. Daria, wearing a white peasant blouse, green half-corset, black skirt and black cloak with green satin lining [no glasses] stares in shock at Lynn, who wears an identical outfit bar the colour of the cloak lining and half-corset [purple] and an equally shocked look.

LHS corridor. Daria and Jane watched with bemusement as DeMartino drags a screaming Lynn past them by her ear.

LHS gymnasium. On a stage rigged at one end, Trent rams his guitar through a bass drum.

Science lab. The redhead, wearing safety goggles, pushes a button and ducks under the desk an instant before the model of Lawndale High that graces that desk blows up.

LHS corridor. Daria, Jane, Lynn and the redhead watch, smirking, as Ms Li is dragged down the hall handcuffed to a policeman. A camera crew whose equipment bears the Sick Sad World logo follows behind them.

Daria and Lynn side-by-side again, smirking slightly. As the original montage sequence, the camera pulls in and then out again to reveal two interlocking circles; one contains the Daria logo and the other contains a corresponding 'Lynn' version. Underneath are the words: "Daria in…"


A Daria fan fiction – Episode 1:02 of The Look-Alike Series

(Scene: the Pizza King parking lot, afternoon. Daria, Jane and Lynn amble towards it and stop by a nearby trash can. They look at each other.)

Jane: Okay people, you know the drill.

(Daria, Lynn and Jane turn out their pockets and spread the contents on top of the trash can. Total contents: three bills, assorted change – mostly pennies – an unwrapped candy rendered unidentifiable by fluff, a chewed pencil stub, three widgets and a large ball bearing.)

Lynn: (picks up ball bearing) Art project?

Jane: (snatches it back) Science project. Hell, Da Vinci did it.

Daria: What have we got?

Jane: (counts) Enough for a mini-pizza and a kiddie-size Coke.

Daria: Damn.

Lynn: When do you guys get your allowance?

Daria: Mine's suspended.

Jane: What dumb-ass reason did your mom come up with now?

Daria: Mom found out I was saving up for that cabin in Montana.2 She said I should set more realistic goals and started socking most of my allowance into a trust fund for college.

Lynn: Jane?

Jane: Well, Mom was supposed to be coming back next week, but she heard about some tour of the Egyptian tombs that she couldn't miss. So it's all dried up until sometime around Halloween.

Lynn: Damn.

Daria: How astute.

Lynn: You do know what this means, don't you?

Daria: Extortion of the parental units?

Jane: Toss off a few Van Gogh forgeries and sell them at outrageous profits?

Lynn: I was going to say after-school jobs … but either of those could work.

(Scene: Morgendorffer dining room. Dinnertime – lasagne again. Jake buried in paper. Quinn babbling. Daria poking at her food.)

Quinn: So, after Joey, Jeffy and What's-His-Name knocked each other out, Marcus brought me the soda and asked me out so we're going to Chez Pierre tomorrow, which is good because I've got Roland's party tonight and I'm booked solid all next week and…

Helen: (exasperated) Daria, how was YOUR day?

Daria: (looks up from plate; deadpan) I refrained from going postal. Good enough for you?

Helen: Be serious, Daria.

Daria: (reluctantly) I am going to have to ask you to reconsider your withholding 95% of my allowance in the name of my college education.

Helen: (raised eyebrow) And why should I do that, exactly?

Daria: Um … I still owe the Mob?3

Helen: (warning) Daria…

Daria: (sigh) If you must know, it's put a cramp in my social life.

Quinn: Yeah, right. What social life do YOU have? I mean, if you HAVE to pay your own way, you CAN'T be going on any dates.

Helen: (warning again) Quinn, be nice. (to Daria – 'good parent' tone) Sweetie, it's great that you're starting to expand your social circle a little, but frankly, if you want money that badly, it's high time you started thinking about an after-school job. After all, your college education's much more important than a little pizza money to us. If your afternoon outings are that important to you, then you should be more than willing to work to earn that outlet.

Quinn: Damn right, Daria. Oh, that reminds me – Mom, I need to use your credit card to get a date outfit for Marcus.

Helen: (back to exasperated) Quinn, I am NOT giving you my credit card AGAIN. That's the THIRD time this month.

Quinn: (whiny) But Mo-om! I mean, I CAN'T wear just any old … THING! This is Chez Pierre! The waiters would think I'd gone … CHEAP!

Helen: No more credit card purchases, Quinn. If you want more money, the same thing goes for you as for Daria. Get a job.

Quinn: This sucks.

Helen: What have I said about using that word?4

Quinn: (sulky & defiant) Go ahead … ground me! You've taken my money, you've taken my fashion sense, you've taken my dignity … you might as well take my freedom too! (storms out)

Daria: (surprised) That was actually heartfelt.

Jake: (looking up from paper) Oh, was that Quinn?

(Scene: Daria's locker.Music: "Weak" by Skunk Anansie. Daria, Jane and Lynn standing around while Daria collects books.)

Daria: So, even though my mom wants me to have a social life, she wants me to fund it by getting a job – a pursuit that would allow me no time for a social life. The hypocrisy of parenthood at its best.

Lynn: Well, you got off lucky. My mom gave me the "when I was your age, I never had an allowance" speech. Never mind the fact that she spent her formative years shaking down kindergarteners for their milk money and ripping off UNICEF at Halloween. I guess she wants me to go down the road to rack and ruin.

Daria: Same with mine … only she inspires that road only to steer me off it when it suits her. (to Jane) How are the Van Gogh rip-offs coming?

Jane: Badly. I'm just not inspired. The perpetual motion machine takes up too much of my time.

Daria: Then that means…

Lynn: In the immortal words of your little sister, Daria … this sucks.

(Scene: Jane's room. Lynn sits with her back against the foot of Jane's bed, a pad of paper and a pencil at the ready. Daria is sprawled across the bed in her 'something eating at my soul' pose. Jane is straddling the back of her chair.)

Lynn: Right, people, we need options. The future of our pizza afternoons is at stake. (pause) I hear they're looking for waitresses over at Pizza King. That's money AND employee discount.

Daria: (sarcasm) Not to mention the added bonus of total humiliation in front of half of Lawndale High.

Lynn: Good point. Babysitting?

Jane: Yeah, right. All hail Pippi Longstocking!5

Daria: Don't push me, Lane.

Lynn: (eyes them both suspiciously) I don't want to know. Babysitting is out, I take it.

Daria: Last resort option, to say the least. Next?

Jane: Dog-walking?

Daria: Great. Then they can get revenge on me for almost running them down.6

Lynn: Driving lesson? Blind spot because of glasses?

Daria: How'd you guess?

Lynn: Mom wants me to get contacts. I tried them, but…

Daria: Burned the eyes.

Lynn: I like the glasses better, anyway. Great for turning off bimbos and brainless boy-toys.

Jane: Right. That doesn't leave us with many options.

Lynn: That doesn't leave us with ANY options. We're just kids.

Daria: Crap.

(There is a pause. Lynn looks thoughtful.)

Lynn: (reluctant) Hey, guys, I've got to go.

Jane: See you. Call if anything occurs to you.

Lynn: (evasive) Yeah. I'll do that.

END ACT 1 – ADVERTS [Lead-in: Daria, Jane and Lynn emptying their pockets on the garbage can lid]

As I said, no real adverts. Just a bit of divvying up the fics.

(Montage. Music: "Church of Noise" by Therapy?

Lynn rummages under the sofa, comes up with some change. Stares at it, pokes around with her finger to count it, then nods with approval and stuffs it in the pocket of her purple jacket.

Jane opens an art book to 'Van Gogh' and pulls out her palette. Turning to her easel, she begins to paint.

Daria digs into the pillowcase that once held her Montana Cabin Fund money. She comes out with a paper that says "You'll thank me when you get your Yale degree! Mom" CU disgusted-looking Daria.

Lynn gets on a bus, gives driver the change she retrieved from the sofa. Grabs a seat and opens a book – "How To Fake Your Way Through Any Subject Or Occupation … EVER!"

Jane stares at an easel, with a perfectly rendered reproduction of one of Van Gogh's paintings, then gets a disgusted look and draws black lines all over it. She puts a fresh canvas up and starts again.

Daria eyes Quinn, who is looking at a list of contacts and dialling up the phone. We see a close-up of her Teen Life Planner – boys' names appear every day next to 'HELP BABYSIT' and a family name. Daria turns away in disgust.

A bus stops in front of what die-hard fans will recognise as Middleton College. It pulls away to reveal Lynn, who stands there for a moment, looks shiftily about her, and heads towards one of the buildings.

Jane and Trent are moving a few canvasses into the back of his battered blue car. Jane runs back to the house, returns with a plane propeller.7 Trent looks at her quizzically. Jane shrugs and throws it into the back. They drive off.

Morgendorffer kitchen. Quinn, still on the phone, abandons her list. Daria, who was poking around in the fridge, leans over to get a look at the list. All names on the list bar one are crossed out – that one is circled in red and has NO WAY! printed over the top of it. End montage.)

(Scene: Quinn's room. Quinn is on the cordless phone, looking a bit irritated.)

Quinn: No, of COURSE I wouldn't do that to you, Sandi. I mean, God, NO ONE deserves THEM as babysitting clients. (pause) No, Sandi, I WOULDN'T let anyone down like that, but who'd TAKE them? NO ONE I know is THAT desperate…

(Daria passes by Quinn's open door.)

Quinn: Sandi, I'll call you back. (hangs up. Loud but sweetly) Oh, DARIA…

Daria: (appearing in the doorway) Whatever it is, I won't do it unless you make it REALLY worth my while.

Quinn: Well, you know how you needed some more spending money to get pizza or whatever with your little friends. It just so happens that I am in a generous mood today and am willing to give up one of my babysitting jobs for you.

Daria: (sarcastic) You mean that one circled in red with 'NO WAY' written in big block caps across the top?

Quinn: (stomps her foot) Daria, you HAVE to! I have a reputation to maintain! And if I let even ONE person in this town go without a babysitter, my reputation as a reliable babysitter will be RUINED!

Daria: (deadpan) And the years of lies will have been for nothing. Tell me what incentive I have to do you this favour.

Quinn: They pay really well now!

Daria: Not good enough. Twenty percent of your total profits for the next two weeks.

Quinn: Daria! That's not fair!

Daria: Bargain or say bye-bye to the only person in town who will do this for you.

Quinn: But…

Daria: You're in a hole here, Quinn. We both know that you wouldn't be asking me for help if there was anyone else to ask. Accept my terms, try to bargain, or lose out.

Quinn: Five percent.

Daria: Fifteen percent.

Quinn: God, Daria, you are TORTURING me!

Daria: Save it for someone who cares.

Quinn: Ten!

Daria: Always a pleasure, Quinn. Tell them you've found them a babysitter.

(Scene: Mr DeMartino's class. Mr DeMartino hasn't arrived yet. Jane, sitting behind Daria, leans forward.)

Jane: Hey, have you seen Lynn lately?

Daria: I'm astigmatic, Jane, not blind.

Jane: Whoa! Aren't we on a short fuse today.

Daria: Yeah, well … Quinn roped me into a babysitting job.

Jane: (shrugs) Well, you wanted money. (an idea dawns) Not…

Daria: Yep. The Guptys.

Jane: At least it won't be all sweetness and light this time around.

Daria: Jane, I fear for my life. Tad's apparently taken to blowing the heads off the cute lawn ornaments with a BB gun. And Tricia's discovered the joys of paint-balling.

Jane: (impressed) Really? Whoa. Need company?

Daria: Nah. If I'm going down, I don't want to take you with me. And having them kill you would deny me the pleasure. Now, what about Lynn?

Jane: She hasn't been over, not answering her phone … fell asleep at her desk in Barch's class yesterday. I've asked what's wrong, but…

Daria: Let me guess. Only verbal response was "go to hell".

Jane: You and her – peas in a pod. (beat) That's why I thought YOU ought to ask.

Daria: I'll think it over. What's it worth to you?

Jane: Daria, you KNOW I've got no cash.

Daria: No mention of Trent for a month.

Jane: A day.

Daria: Week.

Jane: Three days.

Daria: Five.

Jane: Four.

Daria: Deal. (beat) I do too damn much of this.

(Scene: Lynn's house – two levels and an attic, painted blue-grey. A little smaller than the Morgendorffer residence. Daria approaches the door and sighs. Then she rings the bell. Time passes. Then Lynn answers.)

Lynn: (suspicious) Hi.

Daria: (self-conscious) Hey. I … um…

Lynn: Wanted to check up on me at Jane's request.

Daria: Um … yeah. And wanted to see how you were coming on your room.

Lynn: (sigh) Come in.

(Scene: Lynn's room. As indicated, she has painted it black with purple trim. It looks very bleak. A Kurt Cobain poster – birth and death date – is hung up over her bed.)

Lynn: So how'd you get roped into this? Goodness of your heart?

Daria: (guilty) Um…

Lynn: (smirk) Didn't think so. So what did you get out of Jane for braving my den and checking up?

Daria: No teasing about or mention of Trent for four days.

Lynn: You're getting soft. I would have held out for a week at least. And in answer to the question, I am fine.

Daria: So why the disappearing act?

Lynn: Earning money … believe me, the hard way. But it'll keep us all in cheese-burn for awhile.

Daria: Um … you're not saying how, are you.

Lynn: We can play Twenty Questions, if you like, but I'm not GIVING it to you.

Daria: All I want to know is, is it legal?

Lynn: It's not anything that I would be tried and convicted for, put it that way. I don't know enough about the criminal code in this state to be sure.

Daria: (obviously thinking this over. Shrugs) Fair enough. (turns to go) Just one piece of advice.

Lynn: (suspicious again) Yeah?

Daria: If you're going to sleep in class, only do it in Ms Barch's. Mr O'Neill will send you to Mrs Manson, Mrs Bennett will send you to Ms Li, and Mr DeMartino … well, he had Trent a few years back.

Lynn: (Mona Lisa smile) I think I'll pass on knowing the details of his demented reactions to people sleeping in his class. I'll watch my back. Thanks for the warning, and don't let the door hit you on your way out.

Daria: (baffled & uneasy with the thanks) Yeah … um … yeah.

(Scene: The Guptys'. Headless lawn ornaments are everywhere. Someone has paint-balled the front of the house. Daria surveys the carnage from the foot of the walk.)

Daria: We who are about to die salute you.

(She walks towards the house and rings the bell. Mrs Gupty opens the door.)

Mrs Gupty: (cold) Oh, it's YOU. We wouldn't allow you in this house again, only you're the only one who will sit for our little monsters…

Mr Gupty: (OS) Dear!

Mrs Gupty: (over her shoulder) Shut up! (to Daria) Anyway, we can't take it anymore. We need a break. You'll be well paid so long as you keep them from wrecking the place.

Daria: (hesitant) Um … okay.

Mrs Gupty: Now get in there and try to tame the monsters you created!

(Mr & Mrs Gupty shoot out the door. Daria, looking a little scared, approaches the stairs.)

Daria: (calls up stairs) Tad? Tricia? (thought VO) Isn't this how horror-movie victims act just before they die?

(Scene: Jane's bedroom. Jane is looking at a sketch of Tad & Tricia Gupty menacing Daria. Then, with an evil grin, she adds Trent swinging to Daria's rescue a la Indiana Jones. Then she looks at the phone.)

Jane: (picks up the phone & dials) Hello, damsel in distress…

(Split screen: Daria in the Gupty living room/Jane's room)

Daria: Gupty residence.

Jane: How are the terrors doing?

Daria: I sat them in front of Cannibal Fragfest on CD-ROM.8 Haven't heard a BB pellet fired yet.

Jane: Ah. Diversions rock. So, how'd it go with Ms Houdini the vanishing Daria look-alike?

Daria: She's working.

Jane: (surprised) Doing what?

Daria: She won't tell me … except that it's not strictly illegal.

Jane: Not STRICTLY illegal?

Daria: Hey, we can pry it out of her next week.

(There is a thump & screaming OS.)


Tad: (OS) You wouldn't! You want to watch Sick Sad World too!

Tricia: (OS) Yeah! You said you didn't want to miss this one!

Daria: I am on the phone to someone who will tape it for me. Get my meaning?

Tad & Tricia: (OS) We'll stop.

Jane: Whoa! Considering a career in education?

Daria: Are you kidding? Babysitting pays better than teaching. But I'd better go.

Jane: Yeah, see you.

(Split screen returns to single screen shot of Jane, who thinks a minute, flips over a page of her sketchbook and draws Lynn in a samurai outfit, wielding a katana blade)

Jane: (smirk) Lynn Cullen, Yakuza!

END ACT 2 – ADVERTS [Lead-in: Lynn peering around her door at Daria.]

(Scene: Daria's locker. Daria is collecting books. We note that one bow of her glasses is mended with duct tape. Jane is looking over her shoulder.)

Jane: Going for the alternative look again?9

Daria: Tad got a little over-enthusiastic over Sick Sad World and started randomly firing his BB gun.

Jane: Maybe "Klebold and Harris: Psychos or Just Misunderstood" wasn't the best viewing idea.10

Daria: Go to hell, Lane. I haven't seen YOU make any sacrifices in the name of pizza.

Jane: Oh, haven't I? (reaches into pocket, holds out a bunch of crumpled bills)

Daria: How'd you get THAT?

Jane: Swap meet. Sold three Van Gogh reproductions and that stupid plane propeller.

Daria: God, you've got it easy. Now all we have to do is find out how Lynn did.

(Enter Lynn … a little tired, but otherwise none the worse for wear)

Lynn: Hi.

Daria: Hey. How's the quasi-legal money-making going?

Lynn: Well, we'll just have to see. Ah, my contact.

(Enter Heather – pink hair, deerskin jacket, vaguely amused expression.11)

Heather: Lynn Cullen?

Lynn: Right here.

Heather: Cool. Got the goods?

Jane: (as Lynn rummages through book bag; to Daria) I sense a running gag here.

Lynn: One philosophy paper on Kant, three lit papers on Austen, Dickens and Brontë respectively, one history essay treating on the importance of the Nazi party to the German economy, and a graduate thesis on Poe. Got the money? And remember; cash only…

Heather: Yeah, yeah, never accept cheques from college students. (produces plain brown envelope) Three hundred and fifty in total.

Lynn: Great. (they make the exchange) Pleasure doing business with you.

Heather: When are you back on duty?

Lynn: Well, this should last me awhile … I'll be in touch sometime well before the Christmas break. I ought to at least CONSIDER buying people presents this year.

Heather: Great. My sociology final paper's due just before the holidays. (notices Daria) Hey, Daria.

Daria: Hey.

Heather: This kid took over your franchise, looks like.

Daria: I'd still be on it, but I don't believe in perpetuating a vicious cycle by earning money doing college work so that my mom can confiscate it to send me to college and I can pay someone else to do college work.

Heather: (brief chuckle) Yeah, whatever. I've got to get out of here. Too many bad memories. See you. (exit Heather)

(The three look at each other.)

Jane: Okay, Lynn, you got $350. I made $239. Daria…

Daria: $4.50 an hour, plus combat pay from the Guptys, plus 10% skimmed off the top of all Quinn's earnings for taking the Gupty job in the first place … $195.

Lynn: Whoa. For one job? Who the hell are the Guptys?

Daria: You don't even want to know.

Lynn: And that leaves us enough to…

Jane: Buy out the franchise.

Daria: Large pizza with the works and sodas for everyone?

Jane: Works for me.

(Scene: The Pizza King. Jane and Lynn sit on one side of the booth, while Daria sits on the other. They are clearly enjoying themselves with their pizza.)

Jane: Two weeks since we could afford to do this.

Daria: (deadpan) The withdrawal symptoms had become unbearable.

Lynn: Oh, the agony. Frozen pizza bagels were a slightly adequate methadone … but it's not the same without the unidentifiable burned things.

Jane: Oh, by the way, are you guys in a generous mood?

Lynn: Why?

Trent: (OS) Hey Janey. Hey Lynn. Hey Daria.

Max: (OS) Hey Janey. Hey Daria. Hey Lynn.

Jane: I invited the guys to have pizza with us and celebrate our newly-acquired wealth.

(Scene: the same. The remnants of many large pizzas lays strewn before the group. The booth is a little crowded – Jane is crushed between the wall and Jesse, and Lynn is crushed between Jesse and Max. Daria is crushed between the wall and Trent and Nick is beside Trent.)

Jane: Well, wasn't that nice. Isn't this cosy?

Lynn: I'd start watching my back in dark alleyways if I were you, Jane.

Daria: Amen to that.

Trent: What?

Jane: Never mind.

Trent: Hate to eat and run, but … practice awaits.

Lynn: Practice?

Daria: Another excuse for a meeting of the world's first branch of Narcoleptics Anonymous. (realises what she's said; bright red blush and 'whoops' expression)

Trent: (laugh/cough thing) Good one, Daria.

(Daria blushes more)

(Scene: Lawndale street. Jane, Daria and Lynn are walking to school.)

Jane: So, your parents find out about the money yet, Daria?

Daria: Mom tried to confiscate it in the name of college, but I reminded her that she said to get a job for all pizza-related outgoings.

Lynn: Reaction?

Daria: And I quote: 'I could kick myself for saying that'. How about you?

Lynn: She doesn't know yet, and never will.

Daria: How are you keeping the money from her?

Lynn: The old hollow book routine.

Daria: Sounds a bit clichéd.

Lynn: Mom can't bear to look in my room – something about being able to feel the life and joy being sucked out of her the moment she crosses the threshold…

Daria: Impressive reaction.

Lynn: …So it's safe enough. Besides, the title's "Too Much Information – Weed Through College Literature The Easy Way". Mom's not going to give that a second look as long as she thinks I'm interested in college.

Jane: I don't know whether to envy you for having parents around all the time or pity you for having people breathing down your neck all the time.

Lynn: Well, once Mom thinks I'm adequately settled into what she laughingly calls home and what I refer to as convenient daughter storage space, you won't see her for dust.12 And anyway, how challenging would life be without an excuse to screw someone over?

Jane: You may have a point there.

(Now we see them walking into the sunrise; their backs are to us)

Daria: Plans for this afternoon?

Lynn: I say order pizza in and watch some crappy Japanese monster movies.

Jane: My house?

Daria: Mystik Spiral rehearsal, right?

Jane: Well…

Daria: Lynn's house.

Jane: Spoilsport.

Lynn: Yenta.

Jane: I am NOT a Yenta!

Daria: Yes you are.

Jane: Am not!



1) New teasers for old fics. It sure is a lot easier to figure them out that way.

2) The Montana Cabin Fund gets a few mentions, notably in "The Daria Database".

3) Kudos to Austin Loomis, who worked out that this refers to the Pincus-Bizet test answers Daria gives. "If I disappeared from the face of the earth tomorrow, no one would notice or care. True or false." "False. I owe the Mob quite a bit of money."

4) From "The Big House". Quinn's answer – "I don't know – you'll ground me or something."

5) "Pinch Sitter" – Daria gets roped into babysitting for Tad and Tricia Gupty. One of the things this fic does is show the aftermath.

6) The blind spot is flagged up in "Through A Lens Darkly".

7) From "The Daria Database". Purchased at a swap meet for five bucks. Forgot why.

8) Cannibal Fragfest is mentioned in "The New Kid" – it's what she wants to swap the bribe singles for. (Austin, your encyclopaedic knowledge of these things astounds me.)

9) "The Road Worrier" reference. Jane assures Daria that having her glasses mended with duct tape looks "alternative".

10) When I first wrote this fic, the names of the Columbine High kids didn't come instantly to mind. Thanks to Austin for actually naming them in his prose adaptation. (And this, Austin, is one reference you DIDN'T nit-pick.)

11) We remember Heather from "College Bored".

12) I later looked at this line and winced, thinking about how little time Lynn's mother actually spends at home. This is my way of making up for it.


Daria and related characters owned by MTV, a Viacom company (created by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn). Lynn Cullen was created and is owned by Janet "Canadibrit" Neilson, copyright 1999, 2000. I've credited Monty Python in the endnotes and given all song titles with the names of the bands that played them. Don't sue me – it's not worth it. Feel free to archive this fic (tell me where it is, though, please) but if you want to use my characters, ask first or I WILL pull a Lynn Cullen on you. And then I'll call lawyers.