Three Contemplations and a Funeral
By Thomas

Thanks to Steve Brown for helping me with my grammar.

(Daria's room. Daria and Jane are surfing the internet)

Jane: Let's see... Big Foot convention?

Daria: Been there, done that (1).

Jane: JFK assassination conspiracy?

Daria: Tried it when I was a freshman (2). It's overrated.

Jane: The hollow earth society? That sounds like fun.

Daria: Even so. It's 300 miles away. I'm not sure I want to invest in plane tickets.

Jane: Who would have thought that we could run out of people to make fun of.

Daria: Maybe we should take out a want ad: "People with superstition to be made fun of - apply here".

(Quinn walks by the door. She's talking on the phone)

Quinn: No, I'm sure that not wearing your lucky bra had nothing to do with why he dumped you. No, Stacy, I didn't mean to say he dumped you. Stacy, stop crying.

Daria: Only that would be a waste of money.

Jane: Let's check again. (clicks the mouse a few times) Here's something we haven't done before. A Star Trek convention. It's in the city. This Saturday. That's just an hour and a half away by car.

Daria: I don't think we'd fit in. We have lives. We're just not happy about them.

(Helen comes in)

Helen: Daria, are you doing anything this weekend? I'm representing Steve Taylor in a case I'm not at liberty to discuss, and he invited your dad and I for a visit Saturday.

Daria: Since when did you start socializing with your clients?

Helen: I know. I don't usually do that. But he's an important client and I need to make a good impression. I was wondering if you'd like to come along? Brittany from your class will be there.

Daria: Sorry, mom. But Jane and I are going somewhere. We've had it planned for weeks.

(Lawndale High. The fashion club is walking down the hall)

Sandi: So then Zachary asked me how I like the music. And I said, it's fine, for someone who lived 300 years ago.

Quinn: But he played jazz at his party. It's not that old.

Sandi: Gee Quinn. You're sounding just like he did.

Stacy: Are we going anywhere this weekend?

Sandi: You mean you didn't get an invitation?

Stacy: Eeep!

Quinn: Neither did I. There're no parties this weekend.

Tiffany: So maybe we should, like, have one ourselves?

Stacy: That's such a great idea. We can have it at my place. If that's okay with you.

Sandi: Come to think of it, how come we never have a party at your place, Quinn?

Quinn: What do you mean, Sandi?

Sandi: I just can't seem to remember the last time you had a party.

Stacy: Sure you do. Two years ago. Don't you remember how Jamie threw up in Quinn's mom's closet (3)?

Quinn: (beat) Don't remind me.

Stacy: Eeep!

Sandi: But that's so long ago, Quinn. If you don't have one soon people might start thinking you're a freeloader.

Quinn: (nervous) I guess I could ask my mom again. And see if she'll let me have one this weekend.

Sandi: That's so generous of you. (they walk past the 3 J's) For you to arrange a party.

Jamie: You're having a party, Quinn?

Jeffy: When is it?

Joey: Can I come?

Jamie: I asked her first.

Joey: No, I did.

(The three J's start fighting)

Quinn: Guys, stop it. You can all come.

(Daria's room. Daria is lying on her bed reading "Invisible Monster" by Chuck Palahniuk. Quinn walks over to her)

Quinn: What're you reading?

Daria: It's about a fashion model whose face gets shot off and the birds eat it. I think it's a comedy.

Quinn: Why do I bother talking to you?

Daria: Masochism?

Quinn: Uuuh. Daria, I need you to help me with something.

Daria: Five bucks.

Quinn: But I haven't even told you what it is yet.

Daria: The fiver is my fee for listening to you. My bill for helping you comes later.

Quinn: Uuuuuh. I need permission to throw a party here. It's been suggested to me that it's my turn to hold one.

Daria: So? Ask mom.

Quinn: But I'm afraid she'll say no like all the other times I asked her.

Daria: I guess vomit in the closet can do that to a mom.

Quinn: But that was two years ago. How long will she hold it against me.

Daria: Indefinitely, or at least until the end of the world.

Quinn: I was afraid of that, so I had an idea.

Daria: Why do I feel a cold chill down my spine right now?

Quinn: Oh ha ha. I bet mom would let you have a party. Then all you have to do is to invite the people I tell you. And if you could stay in your room all evening that would be perfect.

Daria: Not to mention immoral. The answer is no.

Quinn: But I haven't even told you how much I would pay you. It wouldn't be doing me a favor.

Daria: Doesn't matter. It goes against my principles.

Quinn: But, Daria! What am I going to say to the people I invited?

Daria: You invited? You mean you've invited people over without permission?

Quinn: I didn't mean to. It just happened.

Daria: (sigh) Try talking with mom again. Tell her that you've learned your lesson, that you would like a second chance, and that it's not fair to hold what happened against you after all this time. She's not completely unreasonable you know.

Quinn: (beat) I guess. Thanks. (starts to leave)

Daria: Ahem. My fiver.

(The kitchen. Helen is talking on the phone)

Helen: Now that is a rather short notice, but I don't think Quinn has anything planned for the weekend. You'll be back how late!? Tell you what, I have a better idea. Why don't you simply bring them here and come pick them up Sunday. We're not home Saturday but I'm sure Quinn will be delighted to look after them. Yes. Then it's a deal. See you.

(Helen hangs up. Quinn enters)

Quinn: Mom, I was wondering if it's okay for me to throw a party.

Helen: Quinn. Remember what happened last time?

Quinn: I know. Jeremiah threw up in your closet.

Helen: It's Jamie.

Quinn: Whatever. But that was two years ago. I've learned my lesson, I would like a second chance, and it's not fair to hold what happened against me after all this time.

Helen: You talked with Daria didn't you?

Quinn: Um...

Helen: (sigh) Alright. I realize I can't expect the boys to stay sober. But if you promise that they won't vomit anywhere inside the house. Then you can have a party.

Quinn: Thanks mom, I'll get it arranged right away. (walks over to the phone)

Helen: You can't have it this weekend.

Quinn: But why not? You and dad aren't here.

Helen: No but Lester just called. He and his wife have to go to a funeral, or was it a wedding, anyhow Tad and Tricia will be staying here. So you'll have to look after them.

Quinn: The Gupty's? But what about my party? And all the people I invited?

Helen: What are you talking about? (stern voice) Quinn!

Quinn: But mu-oom. It's not like I've done anything wrong. I invited people over, but I asked permission before they got here.

Helen: And now you can call and tell them not to come. You're not having a party with two kids in the house.

Quinn: (sad) No, mom.

Helen: (sigh) Tell you what. You can have your friends over, but that's it. No boys.

Quinn: But mu-ooom!

Helen: It's either that or no one at all.

Quinn: Yes, mom.

(Outside the Morgendorffer's house. The Gupty's are standing at the door. Jake answers it)

Lester: Hi, Jake. Here are our little monsters.

Jake: Monsters! Where!?

Lauren: We mean the kids. Tad, Tricia go find Daria and Quinn.

Tad & Tricia: Yeah! (runs into the house)

Jake: So who's getting married?

Lester: Married?

Lauren: We're going to a funeral.

Jake: Oh. I thought...

Lester: But don't tell the kids. Eight and nine is too young to know about death.

(Jake laughs nervously)

Lauren: Sorry that we can't stay here and chat. But we're in a hurry. Bye. (leaves)

Lester: Bye. (leaves)

Jake: Happy funeral... I mean...

(Lester and Lauren are sitting in their car)

Lauren: I'm having second thoughts about this.

Lester: Relax, hon. It's Daria and Quinn who will be looking after them. And we know how responsible Quinn is, and how the kids adore Daria.

Lauren: I know. It's just that every time Daria babysits them, afterwards they seem, I don't know, different somehow.

Lester: (laughs) You don't suppose she lets them watch mud-wrestling. (4)

Lauren: Lester.

(The livingroom. Daria, Quinn, Tad and Tricia are watching TV. It shows Buffy fighting a vampire)

Tricia: Kick him! Kick him!

Tad: Stake him! Stake him!

(Jake walks over to them)

Jake: Your mom and I are getting ready to leave. Um... Shouldn't you rather be watching a cartoon, like the Flintstones?

(Quinn sighs)

Tricia: What planet is your dad from?

Daria: One could ask you the same question.

Tad: Cartoons were created by company's to serve as hidden advertising.

Daria: Note to self; Introduce Gupty's to Tex Avery.

Jake: Or maybe something educational?

Quinn: But daaad. It is educational - it shows what to do if you meet a vampire.

Daria: I think there's a program on Discovery about World War II. You rather we watch that?

Jake: (nervous) Now where did Helen go. (leaves)

(The Taylor's mansion. Helen and Jake are standing at the front door. Brittany opens it)

Brittany: Oh hi. You must be Daria's parents. I'm Brittany.

Jake: Jake Morgendorffer. Always nice to meet one of Daria's friends.

Brittany: (confused) Daria is my friend?

Helen: Is your dad around?

Brittany: He's in the kitchen. I'm so glad you're here to help us eat that fish. We've been having it for a week now. I know I'm the one who asked my dad for its head to hang on my wall. I just didn't think I would have to eat it as well.

(Helen and Jake stare at Brittany like she just escaped a funny farm)

(Morgendorffer livingroom)

Daria: (gets up) Time for me to go. See you tomorrow, kids.

Tad: Where are you going?

Daria: Jane and I are off to a Star Trek convention. Wouldn't want to be here when Quinn has her slumber party.

Tricia: Slumber party? Yeah!

Quinn: Oh ha ha. Just because there won't be any boys at my party doesn't make it a slumber party.

Daria: You're in denial.

Quinn: I'm not in denial! I'm too old to have slumber parties.

Tad: I don't want to stay here. I want to come with you.

Daria: Sorry, Tad. But Star Trek conventions aren't for kids; they're for people who never grow up.

Tad: But I like Star Trek conventions.

Daria: Tad, do you even know what Star Trek is?

Tad: It's a conspiracy designed to get gullible people to buy merchandise.

Daria: No, that's Star Wars.

Tad: But whatever it is I bet it's much more fun than staying here. Please, Daria.

Daria: Let's see... No.

(Tad makes doggie eyes)

Daria: Yeah, right. Like I of all people would change my mind just because you look at me like that.

(Taylor's mansion. Brittany is showing Helen and Jake around the house)

Brittany: And here we have an umbrella holder made from a real elephant foot. But my dad says the rest of the elephant is just as happy with a prosthetic foot.

Helen: Um... This fish you mentioned. Does it have a name?

Brittany: Oh yes. I've decided to call it Bernie.

Helen: No I mean the species.

Brittany: Species?

Jake: You're not a friend of Daria. Are you?

Brittany: I don't think so.

(Lane house. Daria is standing at the front door with Tad. Jake's car is sitting in the road. Jane opens the door)

Daria: Ready to go?

Jane: (looks at Tad) Is that a Gupty?

Daria: Gupty? Where? (looks around)

Jane: Did I mention that I'm immune to your mind games?

Daria: Damn.

(Morgendorffer livingroom. Quinn and Tricia are watching TV)

TV: Born ugly. But if she can't be a model, neither shall they. The phantom of the fashion show. Next on Sick Sad World.

(Tricia laughs)

Quinn: Now why did I like you better before you got exposed to my sister?

(The doorbell rings. Quinn walks over and answers it. It's the rest of the fashion club)

Quinn: Hi guys. I'm so glad you could come. I hope you don't mind that the boys couldn't come.

Stacy: I don't mind. Just wait till you see my new pajamas.

Tiffany: We're having a slumber party?

Quinn: (strained voice) It's not a slumber party.

Sandi: (smirk) I'm glad to hear that. I forgot mine you see. So Quinn. I trust you don't have any more nasty surprises lined up for us?

(Tricia sticks her head up and looks at them)

Stacy: Is that a Gupty?

(Jake's car. Daria is driving. Jane is riding shotgun. Tad is sitting on the back seat)

Jane: So how did you get Daria to take you along?

Tad: I asked her. Daria likes me.

Daria: (blushes) I hope this doesn't lower your opinion of me.

Jane: Naaa. Tom told me about the parade (5). He was impressed at how you had taken Tad under your wing. Said it showed you were a better person than he thought.

Daria: So it's really Tad's fault he became interested in me.

Jane: Hmmm. I never looked at it like that before. Could you stop the car?

Tad: Why?

Daria: Jane do not tease my Gupty.

(Morgendorffer livingroom. The girls are sitting on the couch)

Sandi: Sure, Will isn't bad to go on a date with. I just wish his car was as fine as his clothes.

Tiffany: So you're not seeing him anymore?

Tricia: This is boring. How about we play chess instead?

Sandi: Geee. I'd love to. But I'm afraid I haven't saved up enough geek bonus points.

Tricia: Quinn?

Quinn: I'm sorry Tricia. But I'm reading this really fascinating article on Chinese mascara.

Stacy: I can read you a story.

Tricia: Um... Okay.

(The Taylor's mansion. Steve is shoving Helen and Jake his trophy collection)

Steve: This buffalo was a real pain to track down. Took me a whole hour.

Jake: So what was Africa like?

Steve: Like I had time to go travel to Africa. I know a place down south that specializes it this sort of stuff. Retired circus animals and so on.

Helen: You know. It's not my area, but I'm pretty sure that's not legal.

Steve: (laughs) What are you going to do? Turn me in? You're my layer.

Helen: (beat) Yeah. I am aren't I.

(Morgendorffer's house. Stacy is reading to Tricia)

Stacy: And the prince and the princess lived happily ever after. The end.

Tricia: That's not how it goes. You left out all the scary stuff. I want to hear how the evil stepmother has to put on red hot iron shoes and dance.

Stacy: But I don't want to read that stuff. It's scary.

(Tricia looks angry at Stacy)

Stacy: Eeep!

(The Star Trek convention. Daria, Jane and Tad are walking around)

Tad: You didn't tell me this would be a costume party.

Daria: It's not.

Tad: Then why're some of the people wearing costumes?

Jane: Who said it was costumes? This is a place where all horribly disfigured people can go without anyone noticing.

Tad: (nervous) Daria?

Daria: It's just costumes. But that's not the point. You see if this was a costume party dressing as aliens and Starfleet officers would make sense.

Jane: Why is it they always dress as Starfleet officers? Shouldn't there be at least one or two Starfleet privates?

Daria: Impersonating an officer. Someone should call security.

(They run into Aunt Amy. She's wearing normal clothes)

Daria: Amy!?

Amy: Daria!?

(The Taylor's mansion. Steve is introducing Helen and Jake to Ashly-Amber and Brian)

Steve: Now that I showed you all my trophies and paintings, I guess it's time to show you the rest of my family.

Helen: (sigh) First things first I suppose.

Steve: This little fella is my son Brian.

Jake: What a nice kid.

(Brian kicks Jake's leg)

Jake: GAAAAH! (jumps around on one leg)

Brian: You suck! (runs off)

Steve: Come here you little... (runs after him)

Helen: So you must be Brittany's older sister.

Ashly-Amber: No I'm her step-mother. But you're not the first one to think so. (to herself) I wonder why.

(Morgendorffer's house. Tiffany is reading to Tricia)

Tiffany: Sooo then the... Knit?

Tricia: (beat) The knight.

Tiffany: The knight killed the... troll, and rescued the... princess. (pause) Do you think I would make a good princess?

Tricia: (frowns) No but I think you belong in a class for slow learners.

(Tiffany hits Tricia over the head with the book)

Tricia: Aaah!

(The Star Trek convention. Daria is talking with Amy)

Daria: I didn't know you had the same interest as me.

Amy: It's a surprise to me as well.

Daria: This doesn't quite beat UFO conventions does it.

Amy: What do you mean?

Daria: At UFO conventions you can claim to have been abducted. Me and Jane once met a group of guys who wanted to remove our alien "tags".

Amy: So you've come here to make fun of people.

Daria: It's something me and Jane do about once a month. This isn't the worst bunch I've seen. Still, I mean Star Trek is just a show. How pathetic can you get?

Amy: So you think I'm pathetic?

Daria: (realization strikes) You're a trekkie?

Amy: A trekkie? That's funny, I could have sworn you said I was pathetic.

(Daria runs off)

Amy: Daria wait!

(Morgendorffer's house. Tricia walks over to Sandi)

Tricia: Will you read me a story?

Sandi: No, but if you don't leave me alone I'll kill your hamster.

Tricia: But I don't have a hamster.

Sandi: Then I'll buy you a hamster, and then I'll kill it.

(Tricia cries and runs out the front door)

(A few minutes later Quinn enters the livingroom from the kitchen)

Quinn: (looks around) Where did Tricia go to?

Sandi: I don't know. She just left.

Quinn: What!? You just let her go? (panicking) Tricia!! (runs out)

(The roof of the conference center. Daria is sitting at the edge. Jane and Tad are standing next to her)

Jane: I know we go sit on the roof almost every day at school to avoid our classmates. But the idea of coming here was to look at people.

Daria: I insulted my aunt.

Jane: So? You insult the rest of your family every day.

Daria: This is different. I guess I never told you how much she means to me.

Jane: No I don't think you have.

Daria: And now I made her hate me.

Jane: (sigh) Tad, stay here and look after Daria while I try and clear this up. (leaves)

Tad: Why're you sad, Daria?

(Lawndale. Tricia is walking down a street. Quinn catches up with her)

Quinn: Tricia! You can't just leave without telling me. I was worried sick.

Tricia: Why? It's not like you want me at your house. I'm going home.

Quinn: Don't be silly. How will you get in without a key?

Tricia: I'll sleep in the back yard.

Quinn: Tricia, stop. You can't do that, you have to come back with me.

Tricia: I don't want to be at your house. Sandi is mean to me, Tiffany can only talk about herself, Stacy is weird, and you, you're like a different person. You're never like this when you're at my house.

Quinn: What do you mean?

Tricia: When you babysit me and Tad you're nice, you play games and read stories. But now all you do is talk about clothes and boys. You don't even notice me.

Quinn: (sigh) Let's sit down. I'll try to explain.

(Tricia looks suspiciously at Quinn. She sits on the grass. Quinn sits next to her)

(The Taylor's dining room. Helen, Jake and the Taylor's are having dinner)

Jake: This tastes really great. Can I have the recipe?

Steve: (laugh) Sure but I don't think it would do you much good.

Brian: I hate it. We've been eating it for a week now. Couldn't you have invited some fat people instead so we can get it over with?

Steve: Brian I already explained that I have no fat lawyers. If Brittany wants its head for her wall she's going to get it. But I'm not letting the meat go to waste. When you get older it might be too late to eat one of these again.

Helen: You know this really does taste quite good. Out of pure curiosity. What is it?

Brittany: I already told you. I named it Bernie.

Helen: I mean the species.

Ashly-Amber: Species?

(Helen sighs)

Steve: Did I forget to tell you? It's a dolphin.

Brittany: We keep the head in the freezer until dad can send it of to the... Um...

Helen: (looks at her plate, sad) Taxidermist.

Jake: So that's what a dolphin tastes like.

(The roof of the conference center. Daria is talking with Tad)

Daria: When I was little, and people came to visit, they all wanted mom and dad to show how smart I was. Like, when I was five I could read and write and do math.

Tad: You mean you could read stories to yourself. Cool.

Daria: I hated it when they looked at me, I felt like some freak in the circus. Then after awhile they would lose interest and go stare at my adorable little sister. If you think she's cuter than me now, you should have seen us back then.

Tad: I don't think Quinn is cuter than you.

Daria: Liar.

Tad: She's not that much cuter.

Daria: (small smile) Thanks. The only adult I really liked was Aunt Amy. Even if I never saw much of her, I still felt like she understood me. If I ever needed an opinion on something, like should I wear contacts (6), I would call and ask her, never my mom.

Tad: Why not?

Daria: I thought she didn't understand me. But then about a year ago I ran into trouble with Jane and my boyfriend (7). I didn't think I could ask Amy because she's single, so for the first time I tried asking my mom, and she really helped me. Since then I go to her when I need advice on something not Amy. When I call her now it's really just to ask how she's doing and so on. And now I hurt her.

Tad: Can't you just make friends?

Daria: Tad, it's different when you're an adult. At a certain point in time you can no longer take back what you've said. I've always been good at alienating people. I'm sad because I managed to alienate the one person who's never been anything but friendly towards me.

(A street in Lawndale. Quinn is talking with Tricia)

Quinn: I've always know that I could never ever compete with Daria when it comes to brains. People would come just to see how smart she was. The only why I could get any attention was by being cute. I know I'm not dumb. But if I wasn't popular I would be no one. I can't be like Daria and not care what others think of me. I need to be popular. And that means how I behave depends a lot on who I'm with. I can't have my friends see me behave like I would if it was just you and me.

Tricia: Why don't you just get new friends? People who don't mind you playing with me.

Quinn: (small smile) I like fashion, I like dating. Sure I wouldn't mind if I could talk about other stuff with my friends. If I could have friends who besides being popular and liking fashion and dating were also smart. Problem is that I'm the only one at my school who fits that description. If I didn't have the friends I have now, I would have no friends at all.

Tricia: But maybe if you told them...

Quinn: No, Tricia. But tell you what. If you come back with me I'll get the others to leave. Then it'll be just you and me.

Tricia: Promise.

Quinn: Promise. Now hold still. (takes her lipstick and makes small dots on Tricia's face)

(Helen is sitting in her SUV. Jake gets into the car)

Jake: Hon. Isn't it a bit early for us to leave. And shouldn't we at least say goodbye first?

Helen: I'm not sure I can go on like this. What's happened to me? It wasn't like this when we were young.

Jake: (nervous) You're not having a midlife crisis. Are you?

Helen: No, Jake. I know why I'm feeling like I do. I used my girls as an alibi to do things I didn't believe in, to represent people I secretly despised. Health insurance, Daria's glasses, a good neighborhood, Quinn's clothes, college. You can't pay for those thing doing idealistic work.

Jake: But, hon. What about every person having the right to representation?

Helen: Jake. I ate a dolphin.

Jake: (pause) Wait here. I have to get something.

(The roof. Jane and Amy walk over to Daria and Tad)

Jane: Let's give them some privacy. (takes Tad's hands and walks away)

Daria: You hate me.

Amy: Why? For being a hypocrite?

Daria: What do you mean?

Amy: For someone who's told me how obsessed she is with Sick Sad World. It's mighty fine to criticize me for being a trekkie.

Daria: But that's not the same thing. I don't go to Sick Sad World conventions.

Amy: And that wouldn't be because there are no such conventions?

Daria: Um...

Amy: Look. When a show gets popular enough to have a following, some fans take it more serious than others. They meet on the internet, write fanfic, go to convention, dress up and so on. Unfortunately some fans take it so seriously they tend to forget it's just a show. They engage in irrelevant and meaningless activities like debating weather Worf or Riker makes the best match for Troy. They are the crackpots who needs to get a life. Your problem is that you use the crackpots to judge the rest of us.

Daria: You think I'm being to judgmental?

Amy: As always. If this was a UFO convention that would be fine. But it's not.

Daria: So you don't hate me?

Amy: Of course not. You're still my favorite niece. And not just because I can't stand the sight of the other two.

(Daria smiles)

Amy: Now let me invite you and your friends to a party we're having tonight. Our hosts is a guy who speaks Klingon.

Daria: That's nice of you but I have to get Tad back before dark.

Amy: Well, okay. I have to get back to the convention. But I'll see you soon. Bye.

Daria: Bye.

(Amy leaves. Jane and Tad walks over to Daria)

Jane: Turns out it's a good thing we have Tad with us. He saved us from an evening with the loonies.

Daria: Trekkies are not loonies, Jane.

Jane: Not even if they speak Klingon?

Daria: It's always good to learn new languages.

Jane: Your aunt really got to you, didn't she?

Daria: Well. Maybe if they speak it with an English accent.

Jane: That's my Daria.

(Morgendorffer livingroom. Sandi, Stacy and Tiffany are reading magazines. Quinn and Tricia comes back)

Sandi: (annoyed) So you found her.

Quinn: Yeah. But I'm not sure she's well. She's got these spots on her face. You don't think she's contagious do you?

(Cut to Tricia's face. It's full of small red spots)

(Cut to the outside. Sandi, Stacy and Tiffany run screaming from the house)

(Cut to the livingroom)

Tricia: That was great. You're my best babysitter ever.

Quinn: I suppose I do have my moments.

Tricia: Now let's go change. I want a slumber party, and I want to play chess.

Quinn: (sigh) I was afraid you'd say that.

(A beach. Helen and Jake are sitting on the sand. They're digging a hole with their hands. The dolphins head is lying beside them)

Helen: I can't believe I'm doing this. I'm definately losing a client here. Sure I'd like to see him call the cops or make a complaint, but what if anyone sees us? I can't say where we got the head. I'd could get disbarred.

Jake: Maybe it's not too late to take it back.

Helen: Never! We just have to dig faster.

(Quinn's room. Quinn and Tricia are sitting on the bed playing chess. They're wearing pajamas. Daria and Tad enter)

Daria: So there you're. (smirk) Why're you dressed like that?

Tricia: Me and Quinn are having a slumber party.

Quinn: Daria. If you make fun of me I swear...

Daria: When you make it this easy it's no fun anyhow.

Tad: Can me and Daria join you?

Daria: No, Tad. But you can join them. I'm not the one trying to relive my childhood.

(Quinn grinds her teeth)

Tricia: Come on, Daria.

Tad: Yeah, Daria. Come on.

Daria: No way.

(Tad and Tricia makes doggie eyes)

Daria: Aaaaaah!

(The beach. Helen and Jake have finished burying the dolphins head)

Jake: I wonder. Should we say a prayer?

Helen: It was an animal, you don't say prayers over an animal. No matter how smart it may be.

Jake: We probably should have read from the bible back when we were young.

Helen: Jake. You were a Marxist.

Jake: The Tibetan book of the dead then.

Helen: (sigh) Thanks, Jake. Even if it means I lost a client. I can't tell you how much this meant to me.

Jake: You know something else we did on the beach when we were young?

Helen: (smiles) Oh, Jake. (gets up) But not here. Over behind those bushes.

(Helen and Jake giggles and runs off. After awhile a dog shows up and starts digging where the head was buried)

(Quinn's room. Daria, Quinn, Tad and Tricia are sitting on the bed. They're all wearing pajamas. Daria is "reading" from a book)

Daria: Once upon a time there was a king whose wife had died leaving him a daughter. Shortly after, the king remarried. But his new wife was evil, she hated her step-daughter and wished her dead. Which was a rather dumb thing to do. Because the name of the king's daughter was Melody Powers.

Quinn: Daria! That's not how it goes.

Tad & Tricia: But we like it better this way.


(1) See the "Daria Diaries"

(2) B&B episode.

(3) "Gifted"

(4) "Pinch Sitter"

(5) "I Loathe a Parade"

(6) "Through a Dark Lens Only"

(7) "Dye Dye my Darling"