The Weight of Conscience

Quinn laid down on the couch and stared at the pale yellow walls of the psychiatrist's office. She had been coming here twice a week ever since ... she shuddered as she fought off the rest of the thought. Drumming her fingers across her stomach as she waited for Jean-Michelle to enter the room, Quinn's mind couldn't help but replay over and over again the reason she was there in the first place. Sandi's death almost six months earlier had haunted her vision every night and day. Shaking her head, Quinn gaze shifted to the door. Much to her surprise, Daria and Jane had been the ones to volunteer to bring her to her sessions. Then, she thought back about how Daria and Jane felt about Tommy Sherman's death. His death wasn't your fault sis ... it was an accident. Sandi's blood though ... it's on my hands literally and figuratively. While her brain was going into overdrive, Quinn could swear that she felt another person in the room. As she watched the door slowly open, Quinn brushed a tear off her cheek.

"I am sorry that I am late Quinn. I saw your sister in the waiting room and stopped to say hello. How are you doing today?" Jean-Michelle pulled out his notebook and pen as he sat down.

"I'm a little tired, but otherwise okay. I am still having nightmares and flashbacks, but Daria's been a big help with those. She comes into my room and holds me until I fall back asleep. Sometimes though, I feel as though there are more than one pair of arms around me and I seem to calm down quicker when that happens."

Jean-Michelle nodded. "The six month anniversary of Sandi's death is next week. Are you planning on visiting her?"

"Yes, to apologize again for what happened. I know the doctors said that there was no way anyone could have known about her heart condition, but she is dead because of me. I was trying to help her lose the weight she had gained from sitting around after breaking her leg. We had been exercising together for a couple of weeks... I should have recognized some kind of sign, especially since my dad's heart attack last year." Quinn's eyes started to burn as the tears formed. "I really miss her."

"What was your friendship like with Sandi?"

"At first - the best way to describe us was "frenemies". We tried to stab each other in the back every chance we got, but things were really starting to improve between us over the last couple of months. I was the only one from school who would go to her house and visit her. Not even Stacy or Tiffany ever went to the Griffins. I would walk up to her room and listen to her crying through the door about being so alone. That was when I decided that I would help her lose the weight and get back into Fashion Club shape. Sandi really started opening up to me, telling me about her childhood and her dreams of becoming a fashion magazine editor. I had not been as happy as I was during that time since I moved to Lawndale. Daria has it good ... she's had Jane from almost the day we moved here and I was finally getting a Jane of my own. I think I was becoming Sandi's first true friend as well. Then came that afternoon at the swimming pool and ..." Quinn's voice broke.

Jean-Michelle sat quietly, letting Quinn take a moment to compose herself before continuing. Quinn drew a deep breath. "I should have never asked if she wanted to swim those extra laps. She just smiled at me and the next thing I knew, we were racing each other the length of the pool and back. Both of us laughed as we got out, then she went to grab her towel and collapsed. The lifeguard started doing CPR while I called 911 from my cellphone. The paramedics did their best to revive, but she was gone. Now, all I can think about is what could have been ... what should have been. I know a lot of people saw her as a cold bitch, but I saw her as someone who was afraid that she would end up alone in this world."

"If Sandi was here right now Quinn ... what would you say to her?"

"I would tell her that I miss her, and that I was sorry - but most of all that I loved her. I don't think she heard that enough during her life."

Quinn looked over at the clock and realized that her hour was up. Thanking Jean-Michelle, Quinn walked over to where Daria and Jane were standing. Daria wrapped her sister in a warm embrace while Jane placed a hand on Quinn's shoulder and squeezed. That night, Quinn looked up at her ceiling and thought about Sandi. With her eyes growing heavy, Quinn felt a pair of arms reach around her as if trying to pull her into a hug. As she was just about to fall into a deep sleep, Quinn thought she heard a voice whisper.

"I love you too."

And for the first night in almost six months, Quinn Morgendorffer slept without nightmares.