The Torture of Chalk Dust: A Daria Fan-Fiction

By: Sam Lincoln (samlincoln@mac.com)

Rating: G (nothing offensive at all really)

Summary: A hot day at Lawndale High, what happens when even the
strongest of mind gets heated beyond recommended specifications?

Soundtrack: Phish 2000-09-17 Merriweather Post Pavilion, an amazing
FOB B&K 4022 -> Lunatec V2->Apogee AD-500e source, email me and a
copy of it can be yours.

Spoilers: None really, just vague post Season 4 references

"The torture of chalk Dust collects on my tongue, thoughts follow my
vision and dance in the sun while my All my vasoconstrictors they come
slowly undone Can't this wait till I'm old? Can't I live while I'm
young?"

The Torture of Chalk Dust

Scene I - LHS, hallway

We see Jane and Daria walking down the hall. They stop in front of
Daria's locker. Both look very hot.

Jane (wipes her brow): Boy, it's hot. When do you think the air
conditioning will be back?

Daria(shrugs): I don't know, I asked Ms. Li and she just told me she's
working on it. (Daria shuts her locker and they resume walking)

Jane: Great, what happened to the AC anyway?

Daria: I guess Ms. Li tried to get just one more surveillance camera
placed on the power grid and it blew out a compressor.

Jane: Good to know she has our well being firmly in mind.

Daria: Isn't it though? Oh look, the fashion drones haven't melted
yet.

Daria nods in the direction of the Fashion Club who are standing in
the hallway, talking.

Stacy: I hate this heat.

Sandi: I agree, sweat is so unfashionable.

Tiffany: Yeah.

Sandi: Quinn, what did Ms. Li say when you asked her about when the
air conditioning would return?

Quinn: She said she was working on it.

Sandi: And she didn't say when?

Quinn: If she had I would've said so.

Sandi: Gee Quinn, there's not need to be so snippy.

Quinn (contrite): I'm sorry Sandi, it's the heat talking.

Tiffany: I didn't know heat was a ventriloquist. (The rest of the
Fashion Club stares at Tiffany for a long moment) What?

Sandi (ignoring Tiffany): After school today we will be holding an
emergency meeting to discuss ways to beat the heat.

Daria and Jane walk past

Daria: Be careful, their hair spray might combust from the heat

Jane: We can only hope.

Daria: Although it would be just as entertaining to just watch them
melt like Barbies left out in the sun for too long

Quinn: Daria, ewww! Why don't you go away or something.

Daria: And miss out on your wit and wisdom? No, wait, that's already
missing.

Jane: You'd better go look for it.

Sandi: Uhm, Quinn's cousin, or whatever, could you like move along
please. You're geekiness is blocking out cuteness.

Daria: Ask me if I care.

Stacy (hesitantly): Uhm, do you care?

Daria: No.

Stacy: Oh, then why did you ask?

Daria (to Jane): Sometimes the best defense is to remain oblivious.

Jane: Yes their deflector shields are on full

Sandi: Stacy, would you please stop talking to the geeks, you're only
encouraging them.

Stacy: Oh! Sorry Sandi.

Sandi (ignoring Daria and Jane): Now then, I propose we ask Ms. Li to
turn the sprinklers on low so we can enjoy a nice cooling mist between
classes.

Stacy: But wouldn't we get all wet?

Sandi: The wet look is in Stacy, besides it's either this, or sweat.
(They all shudder)

Quinn: Oh Sandi, you always come up with the most innovative ideas.
(Quinn looks unconvinced about the scheme)

Sandi: I know.

Sandi, Stacy and Tiffany walk off leaving Quinn standing near Daria
and Jane.

Daria: I know I'm going to regret asking this question, but why do you
put up with crap like that? This scheme of hers is asinine, the
sprinklers don't have a "mist" setting.

Quinn (haughty): Well Daria, it's like in judo. When the large man
charges, it's like, the small, wise man who steps aside.

Jane: Who told you that nugget of wisdom grasshopper?

Quinn: I read it on a fortune cookie.

Daira: Screw the little judo man. That's stupid because the big man
is going to take you down with him when he talks Ms. Li into turning
on sprinklers.

Quinn (flustered): Yeah, well Sandi will get soaked.

Jane (bemused): I'm confused are we talking about judo men or Sandi?

Daira (calmly): And so will you, back to the drawing board.

Quinn: Ooohhh! (Quinn stomps off)

Jane: That was fun

Daria (shrugs): I just hope I remembered my umbrella

They walk to class

Scene II - O'Neill's classroom.

Jodie sits down next to Brittany, she notices that Brittany looks
extremely haggard and like she hasn't slept at all.

Jodie: Hey Brittany, what's wrong?

Brittany: Oh, Kevy and I were up all night watching scary movies.

Jodie: Oh yeah, which ones?

Brittany (concentrating): Uh Nightmare on Friday the 12th,
Thanksgiving, Allen and Allens, Francula, and some others.

Jodie (nods after deciphering Brittany's confused babble): Yeah,
those are all good movies. So what's the problem?

Brittany: I hadn't seen any of them before.

Jodie: You've never seen a scary movie?"

Brittany (shaking her head emphatically): Nope, my dad didn't let me
after I got nightmares from seeing the Wizard of Oz when I was five.

Jodie (nods in a knowing fashion): Ahh, the Wicked Witch?

Brittany: No, Toto!

Jodie looks at Brittany like she's sorry she even brought it up and
faces the front of the class. Kevin walks up behind Brittany and puts
his hands over her eyes.

Kevin: Guess who Babe.

Brittany (freaks out): EEP! (She flails her arms wildly, connecting
with Kevin's groin.)

Kevin: Oof! (He takes a step back) Good thing I was wearing my cup.
(He looks at Brittany a moment) Say babe, those movies didn't scare
you or nothing, did they?

Brittany (gulping): No, they didn't. (Fakes her usual perkiness)

Kevin: Great, then tonight we can watch a few more.

Brittany: There are more?

Kevin: That's the spirit, yeah there are always sequels, the killer
never dies you know.

Brittany (terrified): Eep, uh, I mean, I can't wait Kevy.

Kevin (oblivious to Brittany's obvious distress): Great, these ones
are even gorier than the movies we saw last night.

Jodie (noticing the green cast to Brittany's face): Uh Kevin, why
don't you sit down now. I think class is about to start.

Kevin: Oh, ok...(He turns for his desk, only to spin around quickly).
Booga booga!

Brittany: Eeeeee!

Jodie sighs

Scene III - hallway

Daria is walking to her next class. Along the way she passes Upchuck.
As Daria walked in front of him Upcheck steps in Daria's path and
sweeps her into a deep kiss. When the come up for air Daria looks
into his eyes lovingly.

Daria: Oh Charles, my entire life has merely been prelude to that
kiss.

Upchuck: As was mine my sweet, but we cannot act on our love, the
world is not ready for it (They stare at each other dramatically).

Daria: No, that kiss ha stirred passions long buried in me. I cannot
deny these feelings for you. Come, take me Charles, make me yours.

Upchuck: Ok. (He sweeps Daria off her feet and walks to the janitor's
closet)

We suddenly hear a loud popping sound and the scene dissolves to
reveal a very pissed off Daria staring at Upchuck.

Daria: Upchuck, move your ass or I'll move it for you.

Upchuck (still lost in his fantasy): Grrrr, fiesty. (he moves out of
her way.)

Daria looks at upchuck strangely and continues on her way.

Scene IV - classroom

Mack and Brittany are standing in a deserted classroom. It's dark and
flashing red lights bathe the room in an weird red glow. Mack is
holding a futuristic rifle and some sort of instrument.

Mack(anxious): Multiple contacts, three meters.

Brittany: Where are they? What did we forget?

Mack (Hefts the rifle in his hands): Two meters, one metere, they're
on top of us.

Brittany: The air ducts!

Suddenly vast numbers of Kevins drop from the ceiling, snarling and
growling. They surround Mack and Brittany in an ever shrinking
circle.

Jodie (v/o): Brittany?

We again hear the popping sound and the scene dissolves back to a
classroom. Brittany looks around.

Brittany: What?

Jodie: Class is over.

Brittany: Oh, good. (She stands)

Jodie: Are you sure you're ok?

Brittany (forcing a smile): Never better

Jodie sighs and the two leave the classroom.

Scene V - hallway

Daria and Jane are walking down the hall. Quinn steps in front of
them.

Jane: Run, it's a drive-by makeover!

Daria: What do you want Quinn?

Quinn: I've been thinking Daria...

Jane: Is it even worth commenting on an opening that big?

Daria: Not really, after a while it stops feeling fair.

Quinn (ignoring them): And I still think you're wrong about how I
should have handled Sandi this morning.

Daria: Obviously.

Quinn: See, the way I figure it the only way Sandi will learn anything
is if she tries and has it blow up in her face. (She crosses her arm
in satisfaction)

Daria (sighs): And what lesson would that be? That turning on
sprinklers is a bad idea?

Quinn (hesitantly): Uhh, yeah.

Daria: Or maybe you're just looking for a way to embarrass Sandi.

Quinn (shocked): Why Daria, would I be capable of doing something that
petty?

Daria and Jane (in unison): Yes. (They start to walk off.)

Quinn: Yeah, well, You're wrong, I'm not! Hmph, lousy no good Daria,
why does she always have to be doing crap like that to me, it's not
freaking fair. (Quinn walks off, muttering to herself)

Scene VI - library

Jodie is sitting in the library. No one else is there. She looks
down at her appointment book, it's blank. She leans back in her
chair, closes her eyes and sighs contentedly.

The peace is broken by a beeping watch. We hear the popping sound as
Jodie's eyes snap open. She looks down at her now packed appointment
book then sighs.

Jodie: Oh hell, I'm late.

Jodie gathers her things and hurries out of the library.

Scene VII - hallway

Upchuck is again walking through the halls in between classes when he
sees Stacy primping in front of her locker. Upchuck confidently walks
over to her and sweeps her into a deep kiss.

Stacy (after they come up for air.): Oh Charles, my life up until now
has merely been pre...prelind...

Upchuck (smoothly): Prelude my sweet.

Stacy: Prelude to that kiss. I knew it was prelude, how stupid, of
me. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Upchuck: Don't beat yourself up over it precious. For we cannot act
on these feelings, it is taboo.

Stacy (confused): You've got a tattoo, ewww!

Upchuck (unperturbed): Not tattoo, taboo, forbidden.

Stacy: No, it can't be forbidden, because my feelings for you are,
like, too strong, and if I can't act on them I'll just explode, so
they can't be forbidden because I don't want to explode, but what
other choice do I have if I can't act on my love you Charles...(Stacy
begins to hyperventilate)

Upchuck: Hush my sweet, come I'll make it all better.

Stacy(v/o): Uhm, Upchuck?

The scene disappears with a loud pop and we're left with Upchuck
standing in front of an uncertain Stacy.

Stacy: Er, Upchuck, would you like, mind moving, you're really
creeping me out.

Upchuck( (leering): Certainly my sweet, anything for you.

Stacy (in a panic): Oh my god, I hope no one hear you say that they
might think I like you, which I don't because you're Upchuck, but who
knows what people think...Eeeeee! (Stacy runs away)

Uphuck (to himself): Oh yeah, she digs me.

Scene VIII - cafeteria

We see Mack eating his lunch by himself. Suddenly a large
African-American man sporting an afro walks up to Mack's table. Mack
looks up

Mack: Hey Huey, how's it going?

"Huey": It's going brother, mind if I eat with you?

Mack: Go right ahead man.

"Huey" sits down. Tow more black men and a woman, walk up.

Mack: Hey Cesar, Riley, Jazmine. What's up?

"Riley": Keeping it real as always.

"Cesar": Yo man.

"Jazmine": Mind if we have lunch with your.

Mack: Not at all, plenty of room.

The three newcomers sit down and start eating.

Mack: You know what I like about this school? There are some
minorities here. My old school was nothing but white people. Don't
get me wrong, I have nothing against them, but sometimes it's nice to
have some folks of color around.

"Huey": I hear that.

Mack: There was this one kid who kept insisting on calling me
"Mack-Daddy," can you believe that?

"Riley": Fool was asking for a beat down if you ask me.

"Cesar": No doubt.

Jaime (v/o): Hey Mack.

The scene dissolves with a pop back to Mack sitting alone. Jaime is
standing next to him, tray in hand.

Jaime: Hey Mack, mind if I sit here?

Mack (forcibly pleasant): Sure Jaime.

Jaime (shouting over his shoulder): He says it's ok guys.

The remainder of the lily-white football team converges on the table.

Kevin: Hey Mack-daddy!

Mack stares at his tray sadly and sighs.

Scene IX - cafeteria

Daria and Jane are sitting at a table in the cafeteria eating lunch
when Quinn enters the room. She scans the cafeteria and sees Daria
and Jane. She starts to talk confidently towards them.

Jane (noticing Quinn): Uh-oh, don't look now but we've got an inbound
bogey.

Daria: Don't worry, we've got anti-aircraft guns, right?

Jane: Actually, no.

Daria: Crap.

Quinn: Ok Daria, I've thought about it some more, and yeah, I want to
show up Sandi, but so what? She's too full of herself and needs to
learn some humility, it'll do her some good.

Daria (sighs): But aren't you still benefiting from her misfortune?

Quinn: Uh sort of.

Daria: So isn't the point still your personal gain and not some
altruistic effort to make Sandi a better person.

Quinn: No...but...you see...Ohhhh (Quinn storms off)

Jane: You know that's a total load of crap, right?

Daria (nodding): Sure I do, but do you want to tell Quinn that?

Jane: An excellent point amiga, what was I thinking? (The duo resumes
eating their lunches)

Scene X - library

Brittany is walking through the library. She sees Upchuck asleep in
one of the reading chairs.

Brittany: Hey Upchuck, wake up, you're going to be late for class.

Upchuck does not stir.

Brittany (growing nervous): Uhm...Upchuck? Get up.

Upchuck still does not move

Brittany (becoming frantic): Upchuck, why won't you wake up?

Brittany pokes him with a nearby yard stick. Upchuck's head lolls to
one side, but he does not wake up. Just then a miniature Kevin comes
traipsing in. In place of his football uniform he is wearing a red
and white striped shirt and denim overalls. Though he is still
wearing his shoulder pads underneath that.

Kevin (Cheerfully): Upchuck's not going to wake up...ever! I, like,
killed him!

Brittany: Kevy, how could you?

Kevin (unapologetic): Come on babe, it's Upchuck

Brittany: Still Kevy, that's not right. Upchuck's a person too, sort
of.

Kevin (sighs): Gee babe, I guess that means I'm going to have to kill
you too. (He produces an impossibly large knife from behind his back)

Brittany (shocked): Eep! Kevy, No!

Upchuck (v/o): grrr.

The scene vanishes with a pop and we see the now awake Upchuck staring
at Brittany.

Upchuck: What a delightful way to wake up. Though I would like it if
you didn't stare at me so. You nearly scared me half to death when I
woke up. So, do you want to go somewhere a little more private where
I can show you more of my manly physique?

Brittany: Ewwww! (She runs away)

Upchuck stands up and walks to the door. Halfway there a drop dead
gorgeous blonde girl walks by. From out of nowhere music swells and
Upchuck sweeps the girl into a passionate kiss.

Girl (speaking with a French accent): Oh, my entire life up to this
moment has merely been prelude to that kiss. Tell me, what is your
name?

Upchuck: Upch...err Charles. And you are?

Girl: Jeanette, it is French.

Upchuck: Oui, I know.

Li (v/o): Mr. Ruttheimer!

There's a pop sound and the scene shifts to Upchuck and Li standing in
the library.

Li: Mr. Ruttheimer you are late for your class, get a move on.

Upchuck starts walking to the door. Suddenly the girl from his dream
walks past.

"Jeanette" (still speaking with an accent): Hello, can you help me?
I'm new and I don't know where my next class is.

Upchuck(stunned): Yes, uh, sure, I'd be delighted.

Li: What's keeping you Mr. Ruttheimer? (Sees "Jeanette") There you
are Jeanette. Let me take you to your next class.

Upchuck (plaintive): But Ms. Li, I'd be happy to show her to her next
class.

Li (angrily): Mr. Ruttheimer, if you do not go to your proper
classroom this instant you'll be suspended for insubordination. (to
Jeanette) Come along dear, your class is this way.

Li and Jeanette exit the library, leaving behind a stunned Upchuck.
He sobs for a moment at the unfairness of the whole situation before
walking to his next class.

Scene XI - Art room

Jane is standing in front of an easel in the art room, putting the
finishing touches up o a painting.

Jane (looking satisfied): Another fine Jane Lane Original, ready for
the world to ignore. (she frowns slightly)

Ms. Dafoe walks up behind Jane.

Dafoe: Oh Jane, how wonderful, I think this is one of your finest
pieces, so dark, so foreboding. It sucks the view in totally.

Jane: Thanks Ms. Dafoe.

Dafoe: Jane, I showed a few of your pieces to a friend of mine who
runs a gallery in New York. She was amazed by your work and wants to
do a show of your material. In fact she's so convinced you're going
to be famous she wants to purchase your entire collection and then set
up distribution rights for all your subsequent works.

Jane: Gee, that's great news!

Dafoe: Also she's willing to put you up in a studio of your own so you
can focus entirely on your art. You can leave Lawndale behind
forever.

Jane: Great! When do I go?

Dafoe: Right now if you want.

Jane: Alright! Adios suckers! (Jane starts to run out of the room)

Dafoe (v/o): Jane?

Predictably the scene pops out and returns to the art room. Jane is
still standing in front of her painting, with paint dripping off her
brush onto the drop cloth at her feet.

Jane: Uh, yeah?

Dafoe: This is very good Jane, very dark and foreboding.

Jane: Thanks Ms. Dafoe.

Dafoe: Oh, Jane, I showed a couple of pieces of yours to a friend of
mine who runs a gallery.

Jane (eagerly): And?

Dafoe (sadly): I'm sorry Jane, but even people in the art world got
get pieces every now and then. Maybe in another couple of years
everyone else will catch up with you.

Jane (sighs): Yeah

Dafoe (cheerily): Still, this is a good piece. (She walks off leaving
Jane behind)

Jane: Damn, it happened again. (She angrily slaps her brush on the
painting. She looks at what she's done). Aw hell.

Scene XII - hallway.

Quinn is walking down the hall when she sees Daria and Jane standing
in front of a locker. She pauses as if unsure, but straightens her
shoulders and continues on, walking past her sister.

Daria: Oh look, it's the princess of the strappy shoe. Have any more
nuggets of wisdom for us?

Quinn (angrily): You know Daria, just because you're smarter than most
people doesn't give you the right to insult them.

Daria: Of course it does.

Quinn: Yeah well, you're a big meanie who's ugly and nobody likes you
because of that. So shut up and leave me alone! Why should I care
what you say if you don't care what you look like?

Daria (shocked): I have no response to that it's all true.

Daria runs off crying. All the other students in the hall start
applauding Quinn's action. Suddenly we see newspaper headlines, like
in old movies. "Quinn reduces Daria to tears!" one reads. "Quinn
sharpest tongue in Lawndale!" says another. Quinn on the cover of
waif with the caption, "Quinn Morgendorffer: She's cute and smart."

Daria (v/o): Quinn?

The scene pops and shifts back to Quinn, Daria, and Jane standing in
the hall.

Quinn (distracted): What?

Daria: You looked like you were going to say something and I was
wondering when to expect an utterance.

Quinn (flustered): Ohh, you're a big, friendless loser who's mean
because nobody likes you!

Daria: Then what about Tom?

Jane: Yeah, or me. (Jane wraps an arm protectively around Daria.)
There's just something about Morgendorffers...

Quinn (comprehending): Eww! (Quinn runs away in horror)

Daria: Get your hands off of me.

Jane: Alright, sheesh, would it kill you to show a little appreciation
to the person who scared your sister off.

Daria: You're right, thank-you, now don't do it again.

Quinn walks back up to them.

Jane: Damn, that was strangely ineffective.

Quinn: I remembered you two like to do stuff just to freak me out, but
you never really mean it.

Daria (sighs): Look Quinn you don't have to validate to me how you
deal with Sandi. I do my best to actively avoid her to cut down on
the time we're in close proximity. So do what you think is beset,
don't do what I think you should.

Quinn: Gee thanks Daria! (She once again walks away from Daria and
Jane.)

Jane: Wow, that was easy, why didn't you do that sooner?

Daria (shrugs): And spoil all our fun?

They walk to class.

Scene XIII - Hallway

Daria and Jake walk past Ms Li in the hall. Li is sitting on a
toolbox in front of a service closet.

Daria: Uh Ms. Li, when will the air conditioning be working again?

Li (angrily): It will be fixed when I get it fixed, and not a moment
sooner.

Daria: Why don't you just hire a repairman to fix it?

Li: Because it's a simple enough problem, there's no need to hire an
expensive repairman to fix a twenty cent part.

Daria: But why is it still broken if it's so simple?

Lie sighs and takes a remote control out of her pocket. She points
the remote at Daria and pushes a button. Daria's entire body slumps,
as if she's been turned off.

Jane: Hey, what did you do to Daria you psycho-bitch?

Li says nothing, instead she points the remote at Jane and zaps her
too. Like Daria, Jane suddenly slumps and is quiet. Li pushes
another button and all the students in the hall come to a stop.
DeMartino walks out of his classroom and sees the inactivity in the
hall.

DeMartino: And just how much did this new toy cost you Li?

Li: Oh do be quiet Mr. Demartino.

Li zaps DeMartino while his eye is in mid-bulge. Li walks up to the
immobile teacher and takes a screwdriver out of her pocket. She opens
a door in the back of DeMartino's head and fiddles around inside it.
She repeats the process on Daria and Jane then presses a different
button on the remote. Everyone in the hall snaps awake, only now with
an audibly mechanical sound.

Li (haughtily): You were saying something about the air conditioning
Ms. Morgendorffer?

Daria (contrite): Oh no, you're much more knowledgeable in these
matters. I'd never contradict you Ms. Li.

Li: That's what I thought, and as for you DeMartino, go and bring me
an Ultra Cola!

DeMartino: Of course, whatever you desire Empress Li! (DeMartino walks
away mechanically.)

Li: Oh, replacing all the students and teachers with mechanical
simulacrums was a stroke of genius. No more discipline problems, no
more labor disputes, nothing to deny Lawndale High its proper glory.
(She laughs maniacally.)

Kevin: Hey Ms. LI, when are you going to replace me with a robot?

Li: Soon Kevin, the parts are due to arrive later today.

Kevin: Cool!

Li: Yes, cool is right. Today Lawndale High, tomorrow the world! (Li
resumes her maniacal laughter. Kevin joins in.)

DeMartino (v/o): Ms. Li!

We hear a loud pop and the scene dissolves back to the hall all the
former robots are standing around Li staring at her.

Li: Yes, what is it?

DeMartino: I was wondering when you'd get off your authoritarian ass
and call a repairman to fix the air conditioning!

Li (defensive): I'm working on it.

DeMartino: No, you aren't. You're sitting on a tool box staring off
into space.

Li (standing):As your superior I don't have to take this abuse!

DeMartino: Then try doing your job! (DeMartino walks off.)

Li: Could you get me a delicious and refreshing Ultra Cola?

DeMartino (o/s): Get your own damn soda!

Li (looking around at the students who watched the exchange): All of
you get to your classes, now!

The students slowly walk away. Ms. Li angrily stalks off to her
office.

Scene XIV - classroom

DeMartino walks into his classroom after his confrontation with Ms. Li
in the hallway.

Brittany: Hey, look everybody, it's Mr. D!

Kevin: Cool, how you doing Mr. D?

Jodie: Hi, Mr. DeMartino.

Daria: Hello Mr. DeMartino.

DeMartino (cheerily): Good afternoon class, I'm doing quite well, all
things considered. Now Kevin, I hope you haven't forgotten our
agreement.

Kevin: Sure haven't Mr. D. (Kevin reaches under his desk and withdraws
a gag, which he puts on, then flashes a thumbs up.)

DeMartino (grinning): Excellent, now class, who wants to hear about
the Berlin Airlift?

Brittany: Actually could you tell us more of your cool stories?

Jane: Yeah, who cares about the Berlin Airlift, tell us more about
your life Mr. D, now that's interesting history.

DeMartino (feigning modesty): No, really we have to study the Berlin
Airlift today.

Mack: Please Mr. DeMartino?

DeMartino: Well, alright, there was one time I was in Atlantic City,
and I was up 30,000 dollars in craps...(the students all lean into pay
closer attention.)

Daria (v/o): Mr. DeMartino?

The scene dissolves with a loud pop and DeMartino is left standing the
door to the classroom.

Daria: Uh Mr. DeMartino, if you don't want me in the class all you
have to do is say so.

DeMartino: Oh, pardon me Ms. Morgendorffer. Far be it from me to
block your academic progress. (DeMartino lets Daria pass and he walks
up behind his desk.) Good afternoon class. (The class ignores him.
DeMartino grits his teeth.)

Jane (whispering): Is it just me or has everyone been acting weird
today?

Daria: I don't know, with these people how could you tell the
difference between today and every other day?

Jane (shrugging): Think about it, you sister, DeMartino, Ms. Li, they
all have acted pretty space, not to mention that Brittany has been
jumping at the sight of her own shadow all day.

Daria: What are you saying? That there's a gas leak and everyone is
hallucinating?

Jane: I wish, I'm just saying this heat is making it hard to think
straight.

Daria: it's not that hard, just a matter of concentration. Although
given this bunch that is a little too much to ask for.

DeMartino clears his throat to get the class's attention.

DeMartino: Ok you miserable bunch of reprobates, who can tell me about
the Berlin Airlift?

Instantly all the hands in the room shoot up.

DeMartino (smiling): Well now, who to pick, Kevin?

Kevin: The Berlin Airlift was, like, when the Soviets tried to starve
out West Berlin, but the US was all like, "no way, you can't do that!"
So we, like, flew in all sorts of food and stuff until the Russians
gave up.

DeMartino: Very good, now does anyone wan to tell me what the
ramifications of the airlift were? (Again everyone in the class
raises their hands.) Brittany, can you tell us?

Brittany: Uhm, well, the Berlin Airlift helped freeze relations
between the US and the Soviet Union, and that's why it's so hot today,
because the Cold War thawed!

DeMartino: Close enough. Now, Ms. Morgendorffer...(louder) Ms.
Morgendorffer!

The scene vanishes with a loud pop and resolves back to DeMartino's
classroom. Daria looks up suddenly. She sees DeMartino staring at
her angrily and that Jane is looking at her with an amused expression.

DeMartino: I ask again, Ms. Morgendorffer?

Daria: Uh, yes?

DeMartino: Ah good, I see that I finally have your attention. (Jane
snickers.) Now, none of your classmates hve shown any interest in
telling us why we should care about the Berlin Airlift, perhaps you
would like to let us know, unless you're too busy staring at the wall!

Daria (sighs): The Berlin Airlift was started when the Soviets cut
West Berlin off from the rest of the world. The US managed to fly in
enough supplies to convince the Soviets to lift the blockade. It was
one of the first flashpoints in the Cold War and signaled the
beginning of declining relations between the United States and the
Soviet Union.

DeMartino: Thank-you Daria, now may I recommend that you pay closer
attention to me for the rest of class.

Daria: Yes, Mr. DeMartino.

DeMartino turns his attention to the rest of the class. Jane leans
over to talk to Daria.

Jane (smug): Just a matter of concentration huh?

Daria (grumpy): Oh shut up..

Scene XV - classroom

Brittany is sitting at her desk. The room is dark. Suddenly she sees
a shape appear in front of the classroom door. The figure is a human
silhouette. Brittany swallows nervously. Then the figure raises a
large-bladed knife.

Brittany (terrified): Eep!

Brittany scrambles out of her desk and runs to the back of the room.
The door opens and the figure enters the room, still enshrouded in
shadow, knife raised.

Kevin (v/o): Hey babe, your stapler.

The scene pops out and we're left with Brittany cowering in the back
of the classroom and Kevin standing over her, stapler in hand.

Brittany: Huh?

Kevin: Your stapler, you let me borrow it, remember? Here have it
back. (He hands her the stapler.)

Brittany: Oh, ok, thanks.(She takes the stapler.)

Kevin: Say babe, want to go see some more scary movies tonight?

Brittany: Oh I don't know, I'm still pretty tired from last night.

Kevin: Say, you weren't actually like, scared by those movies were
you?

Brittany (meekly): Well yeah, a little, I guess they were just too
much for me.

Kevin (teasing): Brittany's a fraidy cat!

Brittany (angry): Kevy! How dare you make fun of me.

Kevin (contrite): Sorry babe, come on, let me make out, er make it up
with you.

Brittany (cheerfully): Ok.

Kevin drapes an arm over Brittany as the two walk out of the
classroom.

Kevin (Opening the door): After you babe.

Brittany: Oh, Kevy, that's so romantic.

Brittany walks out of the room. Kevin stops and faces the camera and
grins, his eyes starting to glow red.

Scene XVI - hallway

Quinn walks up to Sandi, Tiffany and Stacy, who are all standing
around Sandi's locker.

Quinn: Hey guys, going home?

Sandi: Well, school is over isn't it?" (They all start walking down
the hall.)

Quinn (hesitantly): Uhm, Sandi, about that idea of yours involving the
sprinklers.

Sandi: What about it? I talked to Ms. Li about it and she thought it
was a fantastic idea, naturally. (hey come to a stop in front of the
girl's bathroom.)

Quinn(shocked): She what?

Sandi (nonchalant): She liked my idea, and said she'd turn the
sprinklers on as we were leaving the school.

Quinn (looking up nervously at the sprinkler above her head.): Gee
Sandi, that's great.

Sandi: Now what was it you wanted to tell me?

The door to the bathroom opens a fraction and Quinn feels something
being pressed into her hand. She takes a hold of it, surreptitiously
glances down and sees she's been given an umbrella.

Quinn: OH, well, it doesn't really matter anymore

Before Sandi can say anything in response the sprinkler's turn on, at
full blast. As the rest of the Fashion Club runs for the exit
shrieking Quinn simply raises her umbrella and smiles. The door to
the bathroom opens and Daria steps out, holding her own umbrella.

Quinn (smiles): I suppose I have you to thank for the umbrella?

Daria (shrugs): Among other things.

Quinn: Why? (The two sisters walk down the deserted hallway.)

Daria: I didn't see why you had to pay for Sandi's stupidity, in this
case at least.

Quinn: You did this didn't you?

Daria: I can neither confirm or deny that assumption, but I'll ask you
this. Why on earth would Ms. Li approve such a stupid notion?

Quinn: But how?

Daria (smirks): I have my methods, but if I told you...

Quinn: You'd have to kill me. Yeah, I get the point, but why?

Daria (shrugs): It seemed like a good idea at the time, besides if
takes a certain haughty fashion plate down a peg or two it can't be
bad idea.

Quinn (astonished): But that's what I've been saying!

Daria (smirks): Yes, but I don't gain anything from embarrassing
Sandi, except for the satisfaction of a job well done. Do as I say,
not as I do grasshopper.

Quinn (chuckles): You just wanted to get Sandi soaking wet, didn't
you.

Daria: There was that too.

The Morgendorffer siblings exit the school.

Scene XVII - Morgendorffer house

Jake walks into the living room of the Morgendorffer household. Daria
is sitting on the couch in front of a fan reading a book.

Jake: Hey kiddo, how did your day go?

Daria (without looking up from her book): The police are after me for
a string of murders. Quinn's pregnant and doesn't know who the father
is, and Mom ran off with Eric Schrecter.

Jake (clutching his chest): Gah! (He keels over and falls to the
ground dead in front of a disinterested Daria.)

Daria: Hmmm, dinner ala Jake tonight. (She stands up and drags Jake's
corpse into the kitchen.)

We hear the now familiar pop and the scene resolves back to Jake
walking into the living room.

Jake: Hey kiddo, how'd your day go?

Daria (without looking up from her book): I deny everything, Quinn's
off with the Fashion Club, and Mom's working late.

Jake reaches for his chest then pauses. He shrugs then puts his arm
down,

Jake: So, what kind of pizza do you want for dinner?

<roll Credits>

Credit Music: Chalk Dust Torture by Phish

Come stumble my mirth beaten worker
I'm Jezmund the family berzerker
I'm bought for the price of a flagon of rice
The wind buffs the cabin, you speak of your life
Or more willingly Locust the Lurker
Confuse what you can of the ending
And revise your despise so impending
'Cause I soak on the wrath that you didn't quite mask
I'm getting it clearly through alternate paths
Or mixed in with the signal you're sending
But who can unlearn all the facts that I've learned
As I sat in their chairs and my synapses burned
And the torture of chalk dust collects on my tongue
Thoughts follow my vision and dance in the sun
All my vasoconstrictors they come slowly undone
Can't this wait till I'm old? Can't I live while I'm young?
But no peace for Jezmund tonight
I plug the distress tube up tight
And watch what I say as it flutters away
And all this emotion is kept harmless at bay
Not to educate somebody's fright
But who can unlearn all the facts that I've learned
As I sat in their chairs and my synapses burned
And the torture of chalk dust collects on my tongue
Thoughts follow my vision and dance in the sun
All my vasoconstrictors they come slowly undone
Can't this wait till I'm old? Can't I live while I'm young?

Alter-Egos:

In honor of this 'episodes' heritage the alter-ego's are a touch
different. Instead of the Daria cast in different roles we see the
cast of NewsRadio dressed as Darians.

Dave Foley as Daria: complete with glasses, jacket, boots, skirt, and
wig.

Maura Tierney as Tom, wearing Tom's gray turtleneck, khaki cargo pants
and sneakers.

Phil Hartman as Upchuck, Phil is wearing Upchuck's traditional
buttoned down shirt and a leer.

Andy Dick as Kevin, in full pads.

Khandi Alexander as Jodie, wearing Jodie's short skirt and
blouse...and a pushup bra.

Joe Rogan as Mack, Joe is dressed in Mack's usual garb, though the
sleeves have been cut off the shirt, and a dreadlock wig.

Steven Root as Jake, business suit and a martini glass.

Vicki Lewis as Quinn, Vicki is dressed in Quinn's Season Four
wardrobe, though the shirt bares much more midriff.

Brad Rowe(Cousin Walt) as Jane, Walt is wearing Jane's traditional
attire...and a black wig.

Author's Notes: Yes, this is a shameless homage, French for stealing,
of the classic NewsRadio episode, "Heat Wave." I even went so far as
to steal...er, reference specific segments of the NewsRadio episode,
If you've seen the show than you know what I'm talking about.

Where'd this come from? The idea for the story came about when I was
listening to the song Chalk Dust Torture by Phish. Initially I was
thinking about an interminably long class with O'Neil, then I hit on
making it in a heat wave, then I figured "why not do the News Radio
episode." At which point I realized that having it take place in one
class session wouldn't be feasible so I had to open up the scope to
include an entire school day.

Where's Dave? Yeah, there's no Dave Wylie, or any other
author-created character, in this one, that's by design, I wanted to
do a "straight" Daira fan-fic, just for fun, so I gave Dave and Ian,
et al. a little vacation.

Reasons behind the Alter-Egos:

Dave -> Daria: In both shows these characters are the nominal voices
of sanity. Plus, Dave Foley, as a former KITH, knows a thing or three
about performing in drag. Thought it must be admitted that Dave
Nelson is a tad more neurotic than Daria, and a bigger alcoholic.

Maura -> Tom: I had some debate over this one. Lisa Miller doesn't
quite map to Tom. But considering the history between Dave and Lisa I
had a hard Tim having Maura play Jane. Also Lisa is the only other
"sane" character on NewsRadio, just like Tom on "Daria" sort of.

Phil -> Upchuck: Bill McNeil and Upchuck shared a similar mindset in
how to attract women. Upchuck lacks Bill's pomposity and
adequivaquacity, but I still think it's a good match.

Andy-> Kevin: The show's respective idiots.

Khandi -> Jodie: Do I have to explain why?

Joe -> Mack: No real reason beyond Joe having a thing for Catherine.
Plus my choices were either Mack or Kevin and Mack seemed like a
better fit.

Steven -> Jake: Really this is a no brainer, in fact, if I were
casting a live action Daria, I'd definitely have Steven Root high on
my list to play ole Jakey.

Vicki-> Quinn: So many choices, could've used Brittany, could've used
Stacy. I chose Quinn because they both have red hair, both have a
flair for the dramatic, and both bare their navel. Also one of the
hot theories on al.tv.newsradio was that Jimmy was really Beth's
father, and what will Jimmy as Jake it just fit.

Walt -> Jane: I had to include Jane in here somewhere and by using
Walt, who appeared in a fair number of episodes, and was sort of
romantically linked with Lisa...I could put another cast member in
drag.

Yes, this leaves out a lot of Daria characters, but I ran out of
WNYXians to use. Yes, I didn't use max Lewis, or Johnny Johnson, but
nobody really fit them, and I like to forget about the last season of
NewsRadio. Not that the episodes were bad, just because it was the
last one, sot it's a bittersweet thing more than a critique of the
quality of the season.

So that's "The Torture of Chalk Dust," just a fun little piece of fluff
I felt like writing, nothing more nothing less. Hope it amused.

-sam 7/27/2001