"The Scorpion Quinn"
A Piece Of Daria Fan Fiction By
Brandon League
(Brnleague@aol.com)
Legalese-Daria and her pals are owned by MTV/Viacom and NOT me. There, you happy?
Summary-After a long and torturous wait, the Fashion Club prepares to see the popular Universal Pictures film, "The Scorpion King." Little do they suspect, that Daria, Jane, and Mystik Spiral are going as well. Nor, do they expect the hilarious practical joke planned for them by Daria, Jane and Max Tyler.
(Opening Credits)
(Ends On The Usual Daria Logo, With "The Scorpion Quinn" In Black Letters)
(Scene One
(Background music-"Amir Of The Desert" by Coal Chamber)
(The scene opens on a vast desert. There's nothing but hot burning sand as far as the eye can see. For the briefest of seconds we see a king cobra raised on its tail, hissing angrily. Then it slithers away as a brown lump, half buried in the sand, begins to stir groggily. With a groan, the lump, now revealed to be a human figure, staggers to its feet and pulls off a leather, visor-like mask. The figure is none other than "The Scorpion Quinn," the one destined by ancient prophecy to rule. The tanned, buffed, warrior woman looks oddly familiar. As she rises, two figures rush over to her. One a mousy, sneaky ex-horse thief and the other, the handsome sorcerer for the ruthless, corrupt Queen Of Gomorrah.)
Horse Thief/Stacy Rowe-She lives! She is invincible! I knew twelve of Queen Sandi's dogs would be no match for her strength!
The Sorcerer/Jamie White-Are you all right, Quinn? Could I get you a Shasta?
(Quinn waves him off)
The Scorpion Quinn (annoyed)-I'm fine. (Beat) But that bitch, Sandi is going to pay for killing my sister....urm, my cousin.
Stacy (extreme unease)-To return to Gomorrah is madness, Quinn. Surely the Queen will have her entire army on hand to destroy you! I beg you to reconsider!
Quinn (haughty)-I will avenge my cousin, Stacy, no matter the... (Winces) Ow!
(Quinn looks down and sees a broken arrow sticking out of her ankle. Suddenly, she feels woozy. She visibly staggers, her hand going to her head.)
Jamie-Quinn?!?
Stacy (her voice far away sounding)-What is it, Quinn?
(Quinn faints. As she hits the ground the last thing she hears is Stacy screaming her name.)
Stacy-Quinn! Quinn! Qu-
(Quinn's eyes snap open. She is in her own bed. She half-snorts and half-laughs as she realizes that it was just a dream. Then she brightens! Today's the day! She sits bolt upright in bed, a wicked grin on her face.)
Quinn-Finally!
(She leaps out of bed and opens her nightstand drawer, removing a neatly clipped piece of newspaper. She scans it for the hundredth time, making sure that's she's not mistaken.)
Quinn (reading)-April 19, 2OO2. Cranberry Commons General Cinemas presents... (Barely suppressed wail) "THE SCORPION KING!" Yesss!!!!
(She does a funny little victory dance and rushes for the bathroom. In record time she has completed her morning ritual of getting dressed, brushing her teeth and applying her makeup. Giving herself the usual once over, she approves and practically dances into the closet to grab her bookbag.)
Quinn (thoughtful)-Too bad I have to ruin this perfect day with school. (Frowns, then smirks) But, in eleven hours, I'll be at Cranberry Commons with Sandi, Tiffany, and Stacy to see "The Scorpion King," starring (squeals) THE ROCK!
(She heads out into the hall. So blissful is she that she fails to notice Daria simultaneously emerging from the bathroom. They crash into one another and Quinn is shaken from her natural buzz.)
Quinn (exasperated)-GAWD! Daria, why don't you watch where you're going?
Daria (deadpan)-What, and miss the opportunity for a mild concussion?
Quinn (snorts)-Get a life, Daria.
Daria (batting eyes, sardonic)-Oh sis, can I have yours, pleeeease?
(Mumbling to herself, Quinn goes down the stairs and takes a sharp right, heading into the kitchen. Jake is seated at the table, reading the newspaper, and Helen is, where else? She's pacing back and forth with the cell phone, talking to her boss Eric Schrecter.)
Helen (to phone)-Eric, I don't give a good goddamn what her excuse is! This is the THIRD time this year she's been arrested for shoplifting! I mean, how dumb do you have to be to try to leave Sam Goody's with 13 CD's in your pants leg? If the bulges don't show, doesn't she know they conceal electric tags INSIDE the cases now? (Beat) Wellll....I suppose we could get a shrink to argue that she's a kleptomaniac...
Jake (glancing up)-Good morning, sweetie!
Quinn (chipper)-Morning, Daddy!
Jake-So...what does my girl have planned for the weekend?
(As Jake says this, Daria enters the room)
Daria (deadpan)-My guess is a full frontal lobotomy combined with a Fashion Gestapo meeting on the evils of non-scented moisturizer.
Quinn (to Daria)-Ha. Ha. Daria. (Beat) Like I would EVER be caught dead with NON-SCENTED moisturizer. (Shudders) I'm the Fashion Club Vice President for God's sake. I have standards, you know.
(Daria cocks one eyelid, obviously debating whether or not to slam Quinn with a scathing reply, then realizes that the setup is too easy and keeps quiet.)
Quinn-Actually, Daddy, tonight the Fashion Club and I are going to the movies, can I borrow some money?
Jake (smiling)-Sure thing sweetie! (He gives Quinn a ten-dollar bill)
(Helen, meanwhile has finished her conversation with Eric and has just hung up her phone in time to catch the tail end of this latest scenario. She sighs and intervenes.)
Helen (to Jake)-Hold it, Jake! (To Quinn, no nonsense) Young lady, what have I told you about responsibility? Your poor father works too hard for you to constantly bleed him dry! (Raises an eyebrow) Besides, didn't he just give you some money yesterday?
(Helen's cell phone rings again. With an annoyed growl, Helen turns from the table to take the call. As she does so, Quinn sadly starts to hand the money back to Jake. Jake sees that Helen has turned her back and is occupied. He winks slyly at Quinn and mouths the words 'Keep it.' Quinn grins widely and throws her arms around Jake's neck. They hug, then Quinn gets to her feet.)
Quinn (rushed)-See you guys later, off to school. (She leaves)
Daria (deadpan)-Wise move, grasshopper. Get out while you still can.
(Daria takes a last bite of her biscuit and leaves also)
(Meanwhile Helen has noticed none of these shenanigans, as she's too busy fighting Round Two with Eric.)
Helen (to phone)-What do you MEAN, Judge Smith is in the hospital? Christ, Eric! The man is seventy-three years old, what in hell possessed him to go bungee jumping? (Gasps) That means we'll draw... Judge Bartlett. Dammit! That senile son of a bitch has had it in for me since he taught "Criminology 252" at Middleton. I was his best student, but did that misogynistic old goat care? No! (Sighs) Fine, I guess we have no choice. (Haughty) It's not like it's MY ass he's going to put in the electric chair for shoplifting. Bye, Eric. (Hangs up)
Helen (turning around)-There! I swear that man is going to be the death of me. Now Quinn...
(Only Jake remains at the table, looking at the newspaper and absentmindedly chewing a piece of bacon.)
Helen (weakly)-Quinn? Daria? (Angry) JAKE!
Jake (sniveling)-Mommy?
(Commercial Break-Jake refusing to let Quinn return the money in black and white.)
Scene Two
(Background Music-"Eye Of The Beholder" by Metallica)
(Lunchtime. Lawndale High Lunchroom. A quick once-over montage of the lunchroom shows the following: Andrea sitting by herself reading a Fangoria magazine, Kevin absentmindedly staring at a cheerleader and getting pounded by Brittany as a result, Daria and Jane watching this from their table-both smirking, Jamie White standing in his seat pantomiming a drowning man while Joey and Jeffy shake with laughter, Mr. DeMartino frowning as he heads toward Jamie, and finally we come to the Fashion Club, seated at their usual table, in the middle of their USUAL cesspool-deep conversation.)
Sandi (animated)-So I said to her, you'll get my last bottle of "Moonlight Surprise" nail polish when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers!
Tiffany-Colllld.....deaaaaddd....Sandiii...ewww....
Sandi-Sorry, Tiffany, but I was just so damn mad. (Noticing) Oh Tiffany! That necklace is so cute! (She indicates a blue, sapphire crucifix pendant that Tiffany's wearing) Where did you get it! It matches your dress perfectly!
Tiffany (looking at it)-Ohhhhhh, that'sss funnnnny....I don'tttt rememberrr.*
*See "Anything"
Stacy (gushing)-Tiff, it's sooo cute! (Thoughtful) But I thought your family was Jewish?
(Sandi, Quinn and Tiffany glare at her with a look that could burn through glass.)
Stacy (cowed)-Eep!
Quinn-Yeah Tiffany, it REALLY suits you.
Tiffany (happy)-Thanksss, you guyyys.
Sandi (jealous, changing the subject)-So, is everyone still on for the movie tonight?
Quinn/Tiffany/Stacy-YEAH!
Tiffany (glowing)-Myyyyy GODDDDD, theee Rockkkk issss aaa hunkkk!
Stacy (likewise)-Yeah! Those eyes and the way he smiles. (Squeals)
Quinn (ditto)-Those muscles! No wonder he's been WWF Heavyweight Champion so many times! (Beat) Not that I actually watch wrestling, of course...
Sandi (unconvinced but also Rock-smitten)-GAWD! He's such a man! When he does that "People's Eyebrow" thing, it's like he's saying, "I'm the Rock, go to Hell!" (Beat, recovers) But....like Quinn said, who watches wrestling?
Quinn/Stacy/Tiffany (multi-nervous)-Uh yeah...
(Cut to Daria and Jane sitting about two tables away watching the FC with their usual distaste.)
Jane (gleeful)-If ya SMELL what The Rock is cooking!
Daria-Oh God, not you too. (Deadpan) I see the contagion has spread to your brain and you'll have to be contained.
Jane-Sure thing, amiga, you can contain me with The Rock anytime you want! Woof!
Daria (rolling her eyes)-I can't believe you'd go for that kind of guy, Jane. All his brains are in his muscles.
Jane (soapbox)-Shows what you know, O' partner in crime. Did you know that while Professional Wrestling IS The Rock's family business (his father and grandfather were wrestlers) he is a graduate from the University of Miami, where he played football? Also how can you not love a guy who has hosted Saturday Night Live twice? He has a really twisted sense of humor too. That should be right up your alley. Besides, you're a woman, and you have all those "womanly" urges. Can you just sit there and say that if you had the chance to put "The Great One" on a leash, you'd refuse?
Daria (cocked eyelid)-You are such a pervert, Jane. It never ceases to amaze me just how far into the gutter your mind will sink. You are the most twisted, diabolic, sinister woman I have ever known, (blushes hard) and I never said I'd refuse.
(Daria and Jane smirk)
Jane-Atta girl! (Sinister) I knew you'd see things my way. Bwahaha! Soon we will take over the world!
Daria (deadpan)-I thought we did that LAST night, Pinky?
Jane (cheerful)-Nope, damned wire cage got in the way. (Beat) So, Daria you feel like going out to the cinema tonight?
Daria (wary)-That depends. What do you have in mind? The Swedish avant-garde festival, or "Famous German Filmmakers of the 196O's?"
Jane (slowly)-Um, neither, actually. I was, um, thinking more along the lines of a certain newly released movie from the idiot savants over at Universal Pictures, that features a certain buffed pro wrestler...
Daria-You can't be serious.
Jane-C'mon, Daria. Lighten up a little. Would it kill you for once to go to a theatre and see a movie made in the last decade without any subtitles?
Daria (deadpan)-I thought you ENJOYED "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon?"
Jane-THAT'S not what I meant and you know it! Come on Daria, please, it'll be fun. (Smirking) Besides what would you rather do? Would you rather go somewhere where the probability of embarrassing Quinn is great, or stay at home and play Monopoly with Helen and Jake?
Daria-I hate you.
Jane (cheerful)-Of course you do, amiga. (Beat) I'll be at your house at 6:3O to pick you up.
Daria (sullen)-Goody.
Jane (sneaky)-I know what would cheer you up. (Beat) Trent doesn't have a rehearsal tonight, and I'll bet he would like to come with us. This kind of movie is right up his alley, you know. He's seen "Conan The Barbarian" thirty-six times.
Daria (warning tone)-Jane...
Jane (unfazed)-Not to mention the fact that I know my brother and his undying appreciation for General Cinemas popcorn. He'd be more than willing to sit right next to you and share a big tub...
Daria-That's it yenta! You can take all those romantic notions of yours and put them in a big box and throw them into the ocean, because, believe it or not, I am over Trent. I'm quite happy with Tom, thank you.
Jane-Speaking of goodly Mister Sloane, where is he? I haven't seen him around lately?
Daria (sighs)-His great, great-aunt Iris died yesterday, Tom flew to New Hampshire with his family for the funeral. He says she was 1O4 years old. They're going to stay in Concord for a week.
Jane-Poor Tom. (Beat) But when life gives you lemons you make lemonade. At least you and I can get in some quality time this week, and what better way to start than with a lighthearted adventure flick tonight?
(Just as Daria is about to respond, she catches a snippet of conversation from the Fashion Club's table.)
Stacy (V-O, excited)-I can't wait until tonight! The Rock is the BEST!
Tiffany (V-O, beaming)-Yeahhh, I meannn howww oftennn doesss thee Fashionnn Clubbb attenddd Oscarrr-worthyyy cinemaaaa?
Daria (to Jane)-You owe me BIG time, Lane. (V-O, to herself) Something tells me, this isn't going to end well.
(Commercial Break-The Fashion Club admires Tiffany's necklace in black and white.)
Scene Three
(Background Music-"Running Out Of Time" by Ozzy Osbourne)
(Morgandorffer House. Afternoon. Daria, having finished her homework, is sitting on the living room couch flipping channels. Every once and a while, sounds can be heard from upstairs indicating that Quinn is having difficulty finding the right "ensemble" for her night out. Finally, Daria gives up on flipping channels just in time to see...)
TV Announcer-Is it just a harmless fruit drink, or is this sweet, mountain delicacy just a pawn in a madman's game? THE APPLE CIDER CONSPIRACY ON THE NEXT SICK SAD WORLD!
Daria (despite herself)-Hmmm, finally, a NEW episode.
(Daria settles down to watch Sick Sad World, but just as she gets comfortable she hears a loud crash from upstairs, followed by Quinn.)
Quinn (V-O, from upstairs)-DAMMIT, where are my blue sandals!
Daria (deadpan)-One of the great mysteries of life, right up there with 'Who Killed J.F.K. and 'Were Jesus and Mary Magdalene JUST friends?'
(Quinn comes bounding down the stairs)
Quinn (agitated)-Daria... (Sees the television) Ewwww! Are you watching that weird show again? Only losers and total sociopaths watch that show.
(Daria cocks an eyebrow at Quinn? "Sociopath?")
Quinn (sighs)-Joey gave me a word-a-day calendar for my last birthday, among other things. Satisfied?
(Daria smirks but says nothing)
Quinn (exasperated, defensive)-IT WAS in a cute yellow box with a bunny rabbit on the front! Joey knows how much I like cute little animals! (Melodramatic) Is that a CRIME? Jeez, Daria...
Daria (sardonic)-Do you want something, Quinn, or are you just here to show me your newfound knowledge?
Quinn (annoyed)-Yes. Daria. (Rolls her eyes) Like I'd ever talk to you unless it was life or death. (Beat) I was wondering if you had seen my new blue sandals? I've torn my room apart and I haven't seen a trace of them. I guess I left them down here somewhere.
(Daria gets a gleam in her eye, and she makes a grand show of getting a shocked look on her face, then slowly opening her mouth to pick her teeth. She looks at Quinn with a pseudo-panicked look.)
Daria (pseudo-mortified)-So THAT was the main ingredient of Dad's casserole last night! I still have a little material caught in my teeth!
Quinn (horror-stricken)-EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! Daria! GAWD!
(Quinn runs out of the room)
Daria (smirks)-You've still got it old hoss.
(She returns to watching television. As she does so, the front door opens and Jake enters carrying his suitcase and looking pissed.)
Jake (ranting)-Goddamn potholes! The government sucks me dry as it is on taxes, then our illustrious mayor, WHO I VOTED FOR, hires a bunch of lazy, good for nothing delinquents to fix the potholes on Main Street, but do they? Hell, NO! They just sit around all day on their asses, looking bored, and drinking King Cobra Malt Liquor! I pay enough money on car insurance as it is! I'll be damned if I'm going to replace another tire on that Lexus because of frigging potholes- (sees Daria, softens)Hey there, kiddo!
Daria (deadpan)-Tough day, Dad?
(Jake gives Daria a kiss on the forehead)
Jake-No worse than usual. How about you, kiddo? How was your day at school?
Daria (deadpan)-Well lets see...My paper on "The Old Man And The Sea" made Mr. O'Neill cry, my explanation of "Supply and Demand" made Ms. Bennett glad she got into teaching, Kevin Thompson almost blew up the Chemistry lab...again (sigh), and Mr. DeMartino almost had a stroke trying to explain to Brittany Taylor why the Harlem Globetrotters were not the heroes of the Korean War. So, pretty much, my day wasn't any worse than usual, either Dad. (She smirks)
Jake (smiling)-That's nice sweetie.
(He starts to walk into the kitchen but realizes that maybe he should show his daughter a little more attention so he stops.)
Jake-So...sweetie, do you have anything planned for tonight?
Daria (catching on)-Just the usual night of virgin sacrifice combined with exposure to satanic music and hard drugs.
Jake (horrified)-Agh! What the... (Realizes his daughter is having fun with him) O...k...that was just a little sarcasm, right kiddo?
Daria (sighs)-Yes dad, I'm going to the movies with Jane.
(As Daria speaks this, Jake walks into the kitchen, relieved. At the same time Quinn re-enters the room, triumphantly holding her blue sandals. Her look of triumph quickly turns to unease when she hears Daria.)
Quinn (wary)-So...um....Daria, what movie are you going to see? Probably some Swedish film where water runs for five hours huh? Or maybe one of those art films where all the hippies trip on acid and describe their experience while all the girls walk around naked, jumping in and out of the water? Right? (Chuckles nervously) Right... sis?
Daria (toying with Quinn)-That's funny. Jane told me the name of the movie... Damn, what was it? Some kind of action/adventure thing. Hmmm... I think some wrestler guy stars in it. The Pebble? No. The Stone? No, that doesn't sound right either...
Quinn (realizing)-AAAAAARRRRGHHHHH! It's 'The Rock' Daria... and you CAN NOT go to see "The Scorpion King!" Not tonight! I'm going to see it with the Fashion Club!
Daria (smirking)-Oooooh, that means Jane and I can sit next to YOU guys! It's so great being able to hang out with my darling sis and her trendy, hip friends! Oh Quinn, you're the greatest!
Quinn (incensed)-MOOOOOOOOOOOOM- (she realizes Helen is still at work; plus Helen would side with Daria anyway)
(Quinn knows a lost cause when she sees one)
Quinn (defeated)-How much, Daria?
Daria-$3O
Quinn-$1O
Daria-$25
Quinn-$2O
Daria-Pleasure doing business with you, Quinn. (Afterthought) Please note, however, that this twenty-dollar bill only assures that I will not "bother" you or your friends tonight. I'm still going to see the movie, and (smirks) it's not like I can speak for Jane.
Quinn (angry)-Dammit, Daria! I-
(The doorbell rings)
Daria-Speaking of Jane. (Glances at her watch; 6:12 pm) Huh, she's early.
(Daria crosses to the front door and opens it.)
Daria-Thank God, Jane, one more minute in this booby hatch and I swear... (Gasps)
(Jane is standing on the front stoop, but she's not alone. Trent, Jesse, Max, and Nick are standing there with her. Over Jane's shoulder, Daria can make out the dark form of "The Tank" parked at the curb.)
Nick (grins)-Hey Daria. So we gonna see a flick or what?
(Commercial Break-Quinn enters the living room carrying her sandals.)
Scene Four
(Background Music-"Into The Storm" by Blind Guardian)
(Five minutes later. "The Tank" is chugging down a non-descript Lawndale road. Cut to inside. Max is driving, Nick is riding shotgun, and Trent, Jesse, Daria, and Jane are in the back. Jane is sniffing the air and making a face.)
Jane-Jesus Christ, Max! What is that smell?
Max-What, Janey?
Jane (louder)-The smell, Maxwell! What is that smell?
Max (pissed)-Why don't you ask Jesse, he's the one who caused it!
Jane (cocks an eyebrow, to Jesse)-Yeah, Jesse, do tell?
Jesse (sheepish)-Remember that gig we played at McGrundy's last Saturday? (Jane and Daria nod) Well, afterwards I was sitting here in the Tank, eating an egg salad sandwich and drinking some beer. (Beat, stare from Jane) Ok, a LOT of beer, and after about the sixth or seventh one, I started getting a little sleepy. So when we arrived at Nick's house, I got out of "The Tank" and went downstairs and crashed on the old couch in his basement. You know that's the standard place to crash when you're fucked up.*
*See "Ear's Looking At You, Kid"
Jane (coaxing)-The smell, Jesse.
Jesse-Right. Well I was so drunk that I left half of my sandwich in "The Tank", and you know, it's been a hot week...
(Daria, Jane and Trent shudder)
Daria (scowling)-We get the idea, Jesse.
Max (V-O, from front)-Jess, don't forget. You owe me big time to get "The Tank" cleaned and washed. The guys at Harry T's Car Wash won't get within ten feet of her for a dime less than thirty.
Jesse-I KNOW Max...
(As Jesse and Max continue to bicker, the scene focuses in on Daria, Jane and Trent)
Trent (to Daria)-I know that you weren't expecting the Spiral, or me either for that matter, to tag along tonight, I hope you and Janey don't mind.
Daria-It's ok, Trent. (Evil eye to Jane) Jane mentioned that you might come along. She mentioned something about you having seen "Conan The Barbarian" thirty-six times, and that this kind of movie was right up your alley?
Trent (triumphant)-I've seen it thirty-SEVEN times! We watched it at Nick's house this morning, and yeah this kind of movie is up my alley. I've seen "The Mummy" and "The Mummy Returns" a dozen times each. I've always grooved on flicks like this one. Ever since Dad took me to see "Indiana Jones and The Temple Of Doom" when I was six, I've been a hopeless, action junkie!
Jane (playful)-Thank YOU, Dad.
(This brings a collective snicker from the inhabitants of "The Tank," which slowly turns into a collective groan as they turn off onto the side road facing the theatre.)
Nick (slowly)-GODDD DAMNN!
(Cut to a shot of the parking lot. Apparently, Jane's idea of "let's catch a flick at a Mall Theatre on a Friday night" was NOT a unique one. The parking lot is grossly swamped with every possible kind of automobile vomited forth onto Creation since 1964 A.D. Come on people! We have all seen the apocalyptic carnage brought about trying to find a parking spot at a mall on Friday night! Have you got the idea? Good. Max speaks, and sums up in two words what we have ALL felt...)
Max (dismayed)-Fuck me. (Sighs) Hope no one minds a little walking.
(Collective groan)
Daria (deadpan)-So far, we're batting a thousand.
Jane (also dismayed but trying to hide it)-Oh, come on Daria loosen up! A little walking never hurt anyone!
Daria (deadpan)-That's easy for you to say, "Little miss track sensation."
Jane (rolls her eyes)-That's "FORMER little miss track sensation" to you missy.
(Meanwhile Max has pulled into a parking space roughly a mile from the entrance to the Cranberry Commons branch of General Cinemas. Nick exits from the passenger side of the van, circles around, and opens the sliding rear panel. Daria, Jane, Jesse and Trent waste NO time piling out.)
Nick (deadpan)-Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.
(Daria smirks, Jane snickers, Max groans, Jesse looks oblivious and Trent gives Nick a light punch on the arm as the friends start the looooong trek towards across the parking lot)
Daria (aside, to Jane)-So, Jane what's the deal with the ENTIRE Spiral coming to the movies with us? (Raises eyebrow) I thought it was going to be you, me and POSSIBLY Trent?
Jane (hushed)-Well, when I got home from school, Trent, Jesse, Max and Nick were in the basement practicing what I took to be a new Mystik Spiral chart-topper. I tried to take Trent aside to ask him for a ride, but he gives me an "Anything you can say to me, you can say to the Spiral, Janey." (Makes a face) There were also quite a few empty bottles of malt liquor thrown around the basement, so I didn't have to be Sherlock Holmes to deduce the sordid facts. (Beat) Besides, Daria, you know the Spiral are cool guys.
Daria-I thought you said they didn't have practice today?
Jane (snorts)-Obviously I lied. (Beat) But seriously, I thought they didn't.
(Suddenly, Daria gives a mild groan as she spots something off-screen)
Daria (mild sigh)-Aw hell, Jane, it's okay. I could think of MUCH WORSE people to be around.
(Daria and Jane look off-screen. Cut to The Fashion Club getting out of a cherry red sports car. They are dressed to kill, as always, and also, as always, they are engrossed in asinine conversation)
Sandi (haughty)-Did you see that girl back at the red light driving the black BMW? (Beat) She had to ruin the status of a perfectly good car by wearing (shudders) a purple headband with a brown tee shirt.
Tiffany-Thatttt isss soooo wronggg.
Quinn (melodramatic)-I KNOW! I mean GAWD, what was she trying to prove?
(As this conversation is going on, Stacy trails behind her other three fashion cronies, trying as usual not to gather too much attention. As she gets out of the backseat, she sees Daria and crew standing about ten feet behind the Fashion Club. After checking to make sure that the FC is not paying attention to her, she smiles and waves at Jane before turning to join Sandi, Quinn and Tiffany.)
Daria (curious, to Jane)-Any idea what that was about?
Jane (nonchalant)-Ah, Daria, you know Stacy's not a bad person. She's not like the other Fashion Clubbers! You remember when we ran into her on the track that time and she lent me her copy of "Heathers?" I had never seen it before.* It was so damn funny! (Conspiratorially) Plus, I heard through the rumor mill that little miss Stacy Rowe is a closet Otaku. (Beat) She has the biggest collection of Japanese anime in Lawndale!*
*See "A Day In The Life Of Stacy" and "The Death Of Stacy" by Austin Covello
Daria-Hmmm, where pray tell did you get that juicy tidbit of information?
Jane (thoughtful)-I got it from a friend of Ted Dewitt-Clinton. I think his name was Austin something or other. (Beat) He also mentioned that Mr. Dewitt-Clinton has somewhat of a crush on the Lady Rowe, and not only that (grins wide) but, it seems the feeling is quite mutual.
Daria (mystified)-I see.
Trent (V-O, from ahead)-Come on slowpokes! Hurry up!
Jane (Best "Igor" impression)-We're coming, Master.
Daria (deadpan)-Last one to the cemetery is a rotten egg.
(By this time they have reached the ticket booth, which boasts a SURPRISINGLY mediocre line. There's a line of about twenty-five people waiting to get in, including the Fashion Club who stand in line about eight or nine people ahead of our heroes. From this ideal locale, Daria and company can hear snatches of the Fashion Club's conversation.)
Stacy (bubbly)-Gee Sandi, it sure was good of you to come by our houses and pick us up in your mom's new car! Good thing we got here early, cause there's always a crowd on Fridays.
Quinn/Tiffany-Yeah, Sandi that was nice of you!
Sandi (exultant)-Oh you guys! Come on. You guys are my friends. I'd never leave you out in the cold! You'd all do the same for me, right?
Quinn/Sandi/Tiffany-Oh yeah! Of course!
(As they say this, they watch as "Bobby Bighead"* crosses the parking lot with two other unidentified boys, laughing wildly as they enter the theatre.)
*From Episode #102 "The Invitation"
Sandi (cross)-That's the ONLY bad thing about coming to a movie on Friday night. The overt possibility of (says it like a bad word) "exposure to geekiness."
Quinn (reasoning)-Wellll, Sandi, it's not SO bad. At least those LOSER guys didn't come over here and harass us!
(Cut back to Daria and company where Daria's face has suddenly lit up like the Tet Offensive. A smirk slowly comes to her face and her eyes are literally dancing.)
Jane (noticing)-Oh... my...God! Daria, what in the Hell are you planning! PLEASE let me in on it! PLEASE! (Eyes dancing) I'll...I'll be a good girl! I'll make my bed and take out all the trash...please?
Daria-I think I may have the PERFECT way to humiliate my sister and the Fashion Club, if Max will agree to help us...
(Daria leans over and whispers into Jane's ear. Jane's eyes get bigger and bigger and she listens to what Daria's planning, then she bursts out laughing.)
Jane (shakes Daria's hand)-I've heard of some EVIL things in my day, but it's a plan like that that makes me glad to call you my friend! Oh, I think Max'll be MORE than happy to help us out, he put up with too many girls like the Fashion Club when he went to Lawndale High. (To Max) Hey, Maxwell! Get over here!
(Commercial Break-Nick opening the door of the Tank to let out Daria, Jane, Trent and Jesse in black and white.)
Scene Five
(Background Music-"We Are 138" by The Misfits)
(About three minutes have passed since Daria whispered her plan in Jane's ear. They are still standing in line at the ticket booth in front of the General Cinemas. Daria, Jane, and Max are huddled in a circle whispering intently as Trent, Jesse and Nick look on, befuddled. There are some serious shenanigans going on here folks.)
Daria-Alright, Max, do you have all of that memorized?
Jane (serious)-I say, we quiz him.
Max (annoyed, but grinning)-I got it, Janey. Jeez.
Daria (deadpan)-We'll be the judges of THAT, Mr. Tyler.
Jane-Ok, Max, here's your first question. Do you see that girl with the wavy, brown hair and the deep voice? She's the leader of the Fashion Club. What's her name?
Max-Ummm... Sandi Griffin?
Daria-Very good. Now, this one you will know for sure. See that redhead right behind her, with the pink baby tee shirt with the butterfly on it? She's second in command in the Fashion Club. She has the exact same last name as me, but she always denies that she is in fact my sister. What's HER name?
Max (grins)-Good one Daria. Quinn Morgendorffer.
Daria (deadpan)-So far, so good, Max.
Jane (playful)-Now Max, don't get cocky, we have two more to go. (Beat) Ok. Max, do you see that cute little Asian girl standing behind Quinn? You'll recognize her by the glacially slow monotone. That's the Fashion Club's Coordinating Officer. Max, what's her name?
Max (thinks)-Her name...isssss...Tiffany Blum-Deckler?
Jane-Good! (To Daria) I say we give the boy five additional points for the unintentional impersonation, don't you Daria?
Daria-Agreed. Now Max, you're doing fine, but there's one left! Can you handle it?
Max (beaming)-Oh yeah.
Daria-Do you see the girl at the end? She's the one standing behind Tiffany?
Max (smiles)-Do you mean the little cutie with the brown pigtails that waved at Janey earlier? Her? She looks like she'd burst out crying at any unexpected noise. (Gleam, sinister) You want me to make her cry?
Jane (unusually sharp)-Now, Max, you listen and you listen good. Her name is Stacy Rowe and she is the Treasurer for the Fashion Club. She's really nice and really shy and the other members of the Fashion Club are always bullying her and bossing her around. They make her feel more like a slave than a friend. You WERE right about one thing though, she IS prone to crying fits, but I'll make you a promise, Max. (Serious) Be gentle with her; don't do to her what you are going to do to the others. If you make HER cry, Max, I swear, I'll make YOU cry. Understand?
Max (crestfallen)-Gee Janey, I'm sorry. I'll go easy on her.
Jane (calmed)-You'd better. (Beat, smirk) Now, my young apprentice, go forth and commit these sinister deeds in our names, (Indicates herself and Daria) but remember take it easy on Stacy, and Max, you do remember those OTHER tidbits we gave you on the Fashion Club, don't you?
Max (grins)-Don't worry, Janey, I'm gonna take those girls on a ride they won't EVER forget.
Daria (deadpan)-Then it begins. (Beat) Godspeed, Max.
(Max grins and slowly walks toward the Fashion Club.)
Daria (turning to Jane)-As much as it pains me to say this, I agree with your opinion of Stacy. She really doesn't deserve to take the full brunt of this prank, unlike the other three.
Jane (faux-tearful)-Oh Daria, sniff, that's the most beautiful thing that I've ever heard! (Beat) I knew you had a heart, I just knew it!
Daria (wry)-You're going to make me regret making my statement, aren't you?
Jane (cheerful)-Oh hush, the show's about to begin.
(Meanwhile Max is slowly walking toward the Fashion Club. As he passes them, four sets of eyes glare into his back. After all, to the FC, he's a PRIME example of a "geeky guy". As they glare at him, he suddenly whirls to face them, which causes all four girls to nearly leap out of their skins. He gives each member of the Fashion Club a thoughtful once-over. Then he speaks, low and brooding.)
Max (faux-sinister)-I knew it. I just KNEW it! You four are the girls from my dream!
Sandi (flabbergasted)-Ex...Excuse me?
Max (wild-eyed)-You four are the keepers of the prophecy! I knew that I would someday find you! My visions are never wrong.
Quinn (cocked eyebrow, to the FC)-You guys, he's obviously some kind of nut just looking for attention. Ignore him and he'll go away.
Max (sneering, To Quinn)-I would expect that sort of response from a non-believer such as yourself, (dramatic pause) Quinn Morgendorffer.
(All four Fashion Clubbers gasp. Quinn's look of disgust has now turned into a look of pure shock.)
Quinn (pale)-How do you know my name?
Max (mysterious)-I told you. I have visions, as did my father and his father and his before him. I know everything about you, for I have seen it in a vision.
Stacy (shaking)-Eep!
Max (chucking softly, To Stacy)-You have nothing to fear from me, (dramatic pause) Miss Stacy Rowe, for I live by a code of honor. I am sworn to fight evil, and protect the innocent, much like the popular Japanese anime, "Tekkaman Blade."
(As he says this last line he turns away from the rest of the Fashion Club, drops his spooky face, and winks directly at Stacy. For a minute she doesn't understand, then he mouths the words, "I'm screwing with them." Stacy's face brightens as she understands, and nods. Then she puts her "terrified" face back in place as he turns around. The other three FC's are still mystified.)
Tiffany (open-mouthed)-Dooooo youuuuu realllly knowwww everrryything abouttt usss?
Max (wicked)-Yes, I do, (dramatic pause) Tiffany Blum-Deckler, and (eyes gleaming) I must disagree with you about something, dear lady.
Tiffany (mystified)-Whhhatttt isss itttt?
Max (leaning close)-That dress DOES NOT make you look fat.
(At this Tiffany gasps, Quinn sways unsteadily, and Sandi, wild-eyed, appears as though she's about to hit the ground face first and begin salaaming. All three of them are completely hooked by Max's "supernatural" knowledge. Meanwhile Stacy is trying DAMNED hard not to laugh.)
Sandi (Trying, and failing, to sound nonchalant)-You said something about a prophecy? What do we have to do?
Max (To Sandi)-I'm so glad you asked, (dramatic pause) Sandi Griffin. By asking, you have shown that the four of you are mature enough to embrace your destinies. (Beat) You are, aren't you?
Sandi/Quinn/Tiffany/Stacy-YES! Oh yes, we are!
Max (draws close)-Then, my children, this is what you must do. Tomorrow morning, at nine o' clock EXACTLY, you must go to the football stadium at Lawndale High School, and take with you these items: five white candles, five candlesticks, three issues of "Waif" Magazine, a box of donuts, and four bathrobes. Then, you will be prepared to conduct the ancient ceremony of popularity.
Quinn (awed)-The Ancient Ceremony Of Popularity, what's that?
Max-It is an ancient ritual that gives power to the most popular girls in a high school. If you follow my instructions to the letter, there will be NO ONE at Lawndale High School who is more popular than you, AND no boy will be able to resist you. You will be all powerful at Lawndale High, but my instructions MUST be followed exactly or the spell will have the opposite effect. You will be stripped of all the popularity you currently have. Do you understand?
Sandi/Quinn/Tiffany-Oh yes! We understand!
Max-This is what you do. Ten minutes before nine a.m. you arrive at the Stadium. Take the box of donuts and set them underneath the first section of bleachers. (Solemn) This is your offering to the popularity Gods. Then go to the fifty-yard line and prepare. Put the five white candles in the candlesticks and light them, making sure that they are arranged in a perfect circle in the center of the line. Take the three issues of "Waif" and stack them in the center of the circle. Now you are ready for the chant, and that's where the bathrobes come in. (Beat) Now this part will prove, just how badly you want absolute popularity. Do you want it?
Sandi/Quinn/Tiffany-YES!
Max-Will you do anything to have it?
Sandi/Quinn/Tiffany-YES!
Max-Then you have to (beat) remove every stitch of clothing and walk around the flaming circle ten times, and you must complete the chant twice.
Sandi (incredulous)-What chant?
Max (grave)-The Sacred Chant To Aphrodite, of course. It is the call for absolute popularity. (Gleam in his eye) The Gods will only hear the chant if it is said by bodies that are "in purest form," hence no clothes allowed...of course if you ladies are happy with partial popularity, then be my guests. No one said total and utter popularity would come without sacrifice.
(Max starts to walk away)
Sandi (panicked)-No wait! Please! We'll do it!
Max (serene)-I knew you would. I'll give you the chant, if you have something to write on.
(Cut to Daria and Jane)
Daria (to Jane)-You did say you could bring your Dad's video camera didn't you? (Beat) Hell, we can get at least a couple of thousand dollars from Upchuck alone, not to mention every guy in school is going to want a copy of THIS tape.
Jane (impressed)-I take my hat off to you, amiga, this is hands down the most evil, despicable thing you've ever done to Quinn. Of course, she DOES deserve it.
Daria (smirks)-I mean, it's not like we're deceiving them; they WILL be the most popular girls in school, after this video gets released.
Jane-Just be sure to set your alarm clock, we don't want to miss this for the world.
(Commercial Break-Max turning to face the Fashion Club in black and white.)
Scene Six
(Background Music-"The Apes Of Wrath" by GWAR)
(Lawndale High School football stadium. 8:50 a.m., the next morning. We see a familiar cherry red sportscar turning off the main road into the Lawndale High parking lot. As it is Saturday morning, they are the only ones there. Cut to a close-up of the car as it parks. Sandi is driving, Quinn is riding shotgun, and Tiffany is in the back seat, sitting next to a large cardboard box. Stacy is conspicuous by her absence. Quinn speaks.)
Quinn (Sleepy, sad)-It's a shame that Stacy woke up sick this morning and couldn't perform the ritual with us. (Beat) I told her not to eat so much popcorn.
Sandi (snotty)-Well, maybe Stacy just wasn't cut out to be all-powerful like we're gonna be in a few minutes.
Tiffany-Yeahhh, sheee knewww betterrr thannn tooo eattt alll thattt popcornnn. Maybeee, shee'sss justtt nottt thattt brighttt?
Quinn (sighs)-Poor Stacy, she's missing out on what will probably be the greatest opportunity in her young life. I mean if I was sick and I had a chance for "absolute popularity," I'd take it! I don't care if I had the plague!
Sandi-I know. Poor Stacy, she just doesn't have what it takes to be as popular as us. (Beat) Tiffany, darling, be sure not to forget forget the box!
Tiffany-Okkkk, Sannndi. (beat) Whooooo woulllld havvve thoughttt, thattt warehoussse storrre hadddd whittte candlllles forrrr forrrrty-ninnnne centssss?
(They exit the car and head into the stadium. Just before they enter, Tiffany stops and reaches into the cardboard box she is carrying. She produces a small box of glazed donuts, which she proceeds to leave under the first row of bleachers. That being done, the three girls sigh and walk into the stadium. A few seconds later a nearby bush rustles as Daria and Jane step out from their hiding place. Daria is smirking and Jane is loading a tape into her father's video camera.)
Daria (deadpan)-As "intellectually challenged" as the Fashion Club is, part of me desperately wanted to believe that they were smart enough to realize they were being hosed and not show up.
Jane (smiling happily)-At least Stacy was smart enough to interpret Max's warning and fake being sick. (Beat) Although, to be honest Daria, if she HAD shown up, I would have warned her, somehow. She doesn't deserve this.
Daria-I agree, but cheer up, partner in crime. She's not here, and you have to admit this show is going to be a hell of a lot more entertaining than "The Scorpion King" was.
Jane (cheerful)-Don't forget, we promised Max a free copy of our video. I think he earned it, don't you?
Daria (smirks)-Damn straight he did.
Jane (crowing)-If ya SMELL what Jane Lane is cooking!
(The friends smirk at one another and creep towards the entrance to the football stadium. It may not be "Ben-Hur," but there's going to be an epic filmed here today!)
THE END
Character Makeovers (Movie Star Related):
Daria as Bette Davis
Jane as Marlena Dietrich
Trent as River Phoenix
Jesse as Leonardo DeCaprio
Max as Yul Brenner
Nick as Adam West
Sandi as Tallulah Bankhead
Quinn as Alicia Witt
Tiffany as Michelle Yeoh
Stacy as Sarah Michelle Gellar
Jamie White as Freddie Prinze Jr.
(Christ, these character makeovers just get harder and harder.)
End Notes-Arrrrgh! With a hump like a snowhill...it be me fifth work for Outpost Daria!!! Thank you, thank you, it's an honor, really. With Star Wars Episode II: Attack Of The Clones less than a month away, I had to do something to keep the madness at bay, and guess what? This fic was it, and I must admit, of all the works I have posted, THIS one was hands down the most fun to write! I sincerely hope that each every person who reads this has as much fun as I did writing it! I was literally grinning like a madman when I wrote the scene where Max and Jane are discussing the smell in "The Tank." I'm also rather fond of the ending, seeing as you can almost TASTE the impending carnage that will unfold in the following days, can't you? I may (or may not) write a sequel to this work, being the fickle bastard that I am, but at the moment I cannot say. Also, this fic boasts what is undoubtedly my favorite title of all my works. Don't you just love, "The Scorpion Quinn?" LOL. Alas it is now time for me to return to the foul abyss from which I was spawned and I leave you with a new feature! It's crude, it's arcane, it's demented, it's... "The Big B's List Of Thanks." These are people who have a special place in my heart for one reason or another and I can't bear to live without them, so HERE GOES!!!!
THE BIG B's LIST OF THANKS-Martin J. Pollard, Crazy Nutso, Gystex 42 (Much apologies, pal), Canadibrit, Brother Grimace, Mman, Thea Zara (Little Cutie), Erin "Wacky Trickster" Mills, THM, Bryan McGucken, Kara "Vivacious" Wild, Wouter Jaegers, Renfield, and everyone ELSE who gave much love to me in The Paperpusher's Message Board! I love you guys!!!
To quote The Misfits... "We are 138. We are 138. We are 138. In the eyes of tigers..."
Brandon "The Big B" League
4/26/02, 12:20 a.m.
Somewhere In West Georgia