The Physics of Drowning 
by fatora 

Scene 1: Lawndale High School, Ms. Vittrell’s physics class 

Ms. Vittrell: Now I hope you are all clear about the instructions for 
your projects. 

Bell Rings 

Ms. Vittrell: And before I forget! Extra credit is available if you are 
able to find someone 
else to row your boat. 

Scene 2: Daria and Jane are walking home after school 

Jane: Explain to me again how physics is related to boat building. 

Daria: Other than the fact that you need it to calculate the 
displacement of weight in the 
boat, which in turn helps in determining buoyancy? - not at all. 

Jane: Alright, but that still doesn’t explain why we have to make it out 
of only paper, glue, 
and thin sticks of ply wood. 

Daria: Hey, I’m not the one who made up the rules. 

Scene 3: Jane’s Bedroom, Daria and Jane are watching Sick Sad World 

TV: Silk worm sweat shops on the next Sick Sad World 

Daria: We’re really making inroads on our boat design aren’t we? 

Jane: Well that box looks pretty good. 

Daria: Great, box boat it is. Then you can go crazy painting it so we 
can get points for 
artistic design. 

Jane: Speaking of  points, I may just pass with a D+ if we get the extra 
credit, do you 
know anyone who could row our boat? 

Trent walks in. 

Jane: Hey Trent. 

Trent: Hey Janey. Hey Daria. 

Daria: Uh. Hey. 

Trent: Janey do you think you could lend me some money? 

Jane: It’s gonna cost ya! 

Scene 4: Still Jane’s Bedroom, just a few minutes later 

Daria: That was cruel. 

Jane: Hey, he didn’t ask what the boat was made out of! At least it’s 
all settled now, Trent 
and Jesse will row our boat for us. 

Daria: Now all we have to do is build it. 

Scene 5: The Morgendorffer home, Daria is watching TV and Quinn is 
walking around 
talking on the phone. 

Quinn: Yeah, so Joey, Jeffy, and Jared asked me to row their boat 
because they needed 
someone who didn’t weigh a lot. 

Daria: That’s our Quinn, as light as air and as full of it too. 

Quinn: And their boat is red so I can’t wear my pink bathing suit 
because that will clash 
and I’m afraid I’ll look too Christmasy if I wear my green one, that’s 
why we have to call 
an emergency Fashion Club meeting! 

Scene 6: Daria and Jane are outside in Jane’s backyard building the 
boat. 

Jane: I still say we build a damn raft. This is the second time our 
boat’s fallen apart 
because of this 24 hours-to-dry glue! We should just use my glue gun. 

Daria: No! Besides, it’s probably not waterproof. 

Jane: You know, if this boat makes it across, I will take pleasure in 
destroying it! 

Daria: Looks like a pretty big “if” right now. 

Jane: Hey, if not, I’ll get the pleasure of watching Jesse and my 
brother get soaked. 

Trent walks out. 

Trent: Hey Janey. Hey Daria. 

Jane: Trent, it’s before noon and you’re awake, what’s wrong? 

Trent: Don’t worry, I’m going back to sleep. Jesse just felt that I had 
to get up right now 
to tell you guys that he won’t be able to row the boat so that you had 
enough time to find 
a replacement. 

Jane: Why can’t he do it? 
Trent: Because he’s come down with the flu. 

Jane: Dammit! 

Scene 7: Jane’s Bedroom 

Jane: Daria, you have to do it. 

Daria: No way! Not me. 

Jane: Look, I’d do it if I wasn’t riding the crimson wave right now. 
Think of it this way, if 
you sink, Trent will be there to save you. 

Daria: I’d rather drown. 

Jane: Okay so he won’t save you, but think of the other up side, when 
you get out of the 
water you can watch his wet T-shirt cling to him. 

Daria: Have you ever thought about writing cheazy romance novels? 

Jane: Come on Daria, it’ll be fun. Or else we’ll have to hope one of 
your parents aren’t 
working that day. 

Daria: *shooting Jane an evil glare* Alright, I’ll do it. 

Scene 8: Pizza parlor, Daria, Jane, Trent and Jesse are eating pizza 

Jesse: It’s too bad your boat didn’t survive. 

Jane: The whole project was worth it just to see Daria in a bathing 
costume! 

Daria glares at Jane. 

THE END