MR. T MEETS DARIA
One day, Daria and Jane were walking to school when who should walk up to them but Mr. T!
"I'm Mr. T, fools!" he shouted.
"Oh my God, it's Mr. T!" Daria and Jane shouted.
"Shut the fuck up!" Mr. T punched Daria's head off, which exploded with a fireball.
When Jane looked at Daria's headless corpse, she realized her friend was a robot.
"Oh my God! Daria was a robot all along!" Jane cried out.
"No she wasn't, fool! She was replaced! Come on!"
Mr. T and Jane ran to Lawndale High, which was being guarded by Dr. Manson.
"I won't let you pass, Mr. T!" Dr. Manson warned him.
"Shut up, bitch!" Mr. T punched Dr. Manson in the head. Dr. Manson's head exploded, sending chunks of watermelon everywhere.
"Oh my God! Dr. Manson was a watermelon all along!" Jane shouted.
Mr. T and Jane rushed inside, where they met Ms. Li.
"Stop, Mr. T! If you ever want to see Daria alive again, you will bow to me!"
"Kiss my ass!" Mr. T kicked Ms. Li's head off, where it flew out a window and between the Tommy Sherman Goalpost.
"Oh my God! Ms. Li was a football all along!" Jane shouted.
"Daria's not here, come on!" Mr. T said. Together, they ran to Daria's house, where Helen Morgendorffer waited for them.
"Mr. T! Curse you, bastard! My plan to make Daria popular would have worked out if you hadn't destroyed Robo-Daria!"
Mr. T just glared at Helen, who melted into a puddle.
"Oh my God! Helen was a puddle all along!" Jane shouted.
"To the basement!" Mr. T shouted.
"But Daria doesn't have a basement!" Jane shouted.
Mr. T punched a hole in the floor and jumped in to the basement. Jane jumped in after him.
At the far end of the basement, Daria sat bound, gagged, and blindfolded in a chair. Mr. T started to approach, but was blocked by four figures.
"Not so fast, Mr. T!" Quinn shouted.
"If you want to get to Daria, you'll have to get through us first!" Sandi shouted.
"The Fashion Club Ninjas!" Stacy shouted.
"Your chains are sooooooo shiny!" Tiffany shouted.
After an epic kung-fu battle, the Fashion Club Ninjas lay unconscious on the basement floor.
"Oh my God! The Fashion Club were ninjas all along!" Jane shouted.
Mr. T walked up to Daria and released her.
"Oh, Mr. T, you saved my life!" Daria said, kissing Mr. T.
"Daria, I will always love you, but the world needs a hero now more than ever. Goodbye." Mr. T caressed her cheek, then flew away, creating a big hole in the house.
"Goodbye, Mr. T," Daria wept.
Suddenly, Mr. T flew back in and punched Jane in the head, which exploded with a fireball.
When Daria looked at Jane's headless corpse, she realized her friend was a robot.
"Oh my God! Jane was a robot all along!" Daria shouted.
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE REAL JANE? WILL DARIA AND MR. T SAVE HER IN TIME? OR IS JANE DOOMED MUCH LIKE THE FORBIDDEN LOVE BETWEEN DARIA AND MR. T? TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR 'ALISON VS MR. T'!
ALISON VS. MR. T
Mr. T poked around inside the robo-remains of the robo-Jane robot. Inside, he found a robo-note written on robo-paper.
"Mr. T!" the note read. "I have kidnapped Jane, and spirited her away to my fortress of evil and seduction!"
"The fiend!" Daria said, reading the note at Mr. T's elbow.
"I intend to seduce Jane to the ways of evil...and sexiness! We will have sexy, evil times, mark my words!"
"Does her boldness know no ends?" Daria questioned aloud.
"Together, we will sleep with museum owners to convince them to host our paintings! And then...the world will be ours! Sincerely, Alison."
Mr. T crumpled the note in his mighty hands, where he compressed it so tightly it turned into a diamond. "Daria, we only have one option. Kick their fool asses."
Daria nodded at the wisdom of the T. "How will we find her, though?"
"When I think of evil artists, there's only one man who comes to mind."
Mr. T punched through the wall of Gary's Gallery. "Gary, you foolish sucka, it's time you paid for your heinous acts!" Mr. T cried out.
"Noooo! Please, I admit it! I really was selling Jane's paintings as actual Van Goghs! I'm a forger of art! Whatever you do, Mr. T, don't punch me to pieces!"
Mr. T glared. "I was just going to ask you where Alison was. But for disrespecting the work of a master like Van Gogh...I cannot let that pass."
With one might punch, Mr. T obliterated Gary, the owner of Gary's Gallery.
"But now how will we find out where Alison is hiding?" Daria asked, trepidatiously.
"Simple, we search the paintings for clues," he told her.
They painstakingly examined every portrait in the gallery until Daria cried out "Aha!"
"Where is she?" Mr. T asked.
"The clues are right in this painting," Daria said, pointing to the still-wet canvas.
On the painting were the words "Alison and Jane are hiding out in the Ashfield Art Colony. Love, the ghost of Van Gogh. PS: Thank you for looking out for me, Mr. T. You're my number one homeboy."
"But what does it mean?" Mr. T asked.
"I...don't know," Daria said, at a loss.
A tear rolled down Mr. T's cheek. "One of my greatest regrets is never learning how to read."
A similar tear rolled down Daria's cheek. "I never learned how to read either, Mr. T. Sure, I would read books to fit in with the loner crowd, but I was just kidding myself."
Mr. T and Daria began sobbing together. Then, they turned toward you, the reader, and spoke in unison. "Illiteracy is a serious problem among adults," Mr. T said.
Daria added, "If you aren't reading this, please, do something about it."
The van from the A-Team pulled up in front of the Ashfield Art Colony late at night. "Daria, we're going to break into the art colony now. The key word is stealth."
Mr. T gunned the engine of the van, then released the brake, hurtling through the gates at well over a hundred miles per hour. He repeatedly slammed on the horn, which played a voice clip of Mr. T shouting "I PITY THE FOOL" at 200 decibels while causing giant gouts of flame to shoot out the exhaust pipe. Meanwhile, Daria was raking the various buildings with gunfire from the machine gun emplacement at the passenger seat.
Once they had leveled half the colony with gunfire and set the other half on fire with firefire, Mr. T pulled over, and he and Daria stepped out to admire their handiwork.
"There," Mr. T said, pointing towards the one building remaining unscathed. "Only a building made of pure evil could stand up to the might of T. And only Alison would live in a building made of pure evil."
Once inside, Daria and Mr. T investigated the basement first. There, they found Daniel Dotson, wrapped in chains.
"Help me!" he pleaded. "When Alison announced to everyone that she was going to conquer the world by dominating art galleries, I thought it was stupid! Not even a sleazy hack like me was dumb enough to join her nefarious plot. But then she kidnapped me! You've got to do something!"
Mr. T nodded. "No chain can stand up to the wrath of one of MY chains!" He took off one of the gigantic golden chains which hung around his neck and whipped it at the ones entombing Daniel. With a loud CRACK!, each link of the chains shattered, freeing the man.
"Thank you! Can I ever repay you?" he asked.
Mr. T shook his head. "You'll never be able to repay the T, so don't bother tryin', fool."
"Do you know where Jane is?" Daria asked.
Daniel nodded. "She's upstairs, being seduced by the evil Alison!" He shuddered in fear.
Daria, Daniel, and Mr. T burst through the door leading into Alison's room. At the far end of the room stood Alison, a whip in one hand. She cracked it a few times, just to look sinister and menacing. "Ah, Daria and Mr. T, you've finally arrived to rescue your precious Jane. Well, you're TOO LATE!" With that, Alison stuck a hand under a flap of skin on her neck and pulled upward...revealing Jane's face underneath.
"Holy crap!" Daria exclaimed. "But if you're Jane, where's Alison?"
Next to her, Mr. T suddenly cried out in pain, as he fell to the floor, the darts of a taser sticking out of him. Daniel Dotson smugly held the taser itself, until he pulled off his face too revealing it was Alison smugly holding the taser.
"Now, Jane, I want you to kill Daria," Alison commanded. "And then we'll do it...IN A CHURCH."
Jane nodded mindlessly, cracking her whip over and over with every step she took.
"Jane, it's me, Daria!" Daria pleaded. "Please, there has to be the real Jane somewhere inside of you, just waiting to come out! Don't hurt me!"
Suddenly, Jane stopped and dropped the whip. She stuck a hand under a flap of skin on her neck and pulled upward...revealing Jane's face underneath.
"Amiga!" Jane called out. "I was just wearing an Evil Jane mask. Now I'm wearing a Good Jane mask, AKA my face!"
The two hugged each other in relief, only to be interrupted by a snarl of anger.
"You've foiled my plots for the last time, Daria Morgendorffer!" She pulled out a gun, aimed, and...
"Not so fast, bitch!" Mr. T roared. He leapt up and headbutted the bullet just as it left Alison's gun, forcing the projectile to do a complete 180 and slam into the gun, causing it to blow up and mutilate Alison's hand.
"My HAND!" she screamed. "My beautiful, beautiful HAND! I PAINT with this hand! What will I do now?"
"Go to jail," Mr. T said as he, Daria and Jane leapt out of the window at the last second as the self-destruct sequence reached zero.
As Alison's building folded in onto itself like the house at the end of Poltergeist, Daria and Jane watched as Mr. T got into the A-Team van and drove off. "I'll always be in your hearts," he called out as he waved goodbye.
"Daria," Jane began. "This was truly a magical time in our lives. I just wish there was one more ridiculous story we could tell starring Mr. T, so that this could be a properly-rounded out trilogy."
"Me too, Jane, me too."
Six weeks later...
Daria was sleeping uneasily in bed, violently tossing and turning as she had some sort of spooky nightmare. (Or maybe she just had indigestion while she slept). She was awoken with a furious knocking on the front door. Putting on a robe, she rushed downstairs to answer it.
"Mr. T!" she said with a surprise.
"I got a package in the mail today," he said, handing Daria the package he got in the mail today. He handed the package to Daria, who took out the contents - a script. "Read the title."
Daria read the title: Untitled Mr. T/Daria Crossover Part Three.
"Does this mean...?" Daria asked hesitantly. Mr. T nodded solemnly.
"We're in for a threequel."
MR. T AND THE FANON CANNON
Daria opened to the first page of the script, which had suddenly changed titles from 'Untitled Mr. T/Daria Crossover Part Three' to 'Mr. T and the Fanon Cannon'. "This is what it says on the first page," she read. "'Daria opened to the first page of the script, which had suddenly changed titles from' --" She stopped expectantly.
"Damnit, don't read the script aloud! That way lies madness!" Mr. T roared. "Just say what happens next!"
"There's a knock at the door." There was a knock at the door.
Mr. T, not wanting to waste any time, kicked the door down. But there was nobody there!
The knocking came again. "It's coming from upstairs!" Daria shouted, reading from the script.
Mr. T took Daria's arm in one meaty fist and, using the other, punched his way to the attic. He saw but one door, and kicked it down.
Daria fainted, as she saw at least half a dozen Darias standing expectantly behind the door. Those six Darias, in turn, fainted when they beheld the might of Mr. T for the first time.
"WAKE THE HELL UP!" Mr. T shouted furiously. Everybody woke the hell up.
"You're the legendary Mr. T!" said Ringbearer Daria.
"It's an honor to meet you!" said Legionnaire Daria.
"You've got to help save us from a terrible fate!" said Man Daria.
"Evil Daria is trying to kill everybody!" moaned Zombie Daria.
"And ruin our popularity!" said Popular Daria.
"So help us kick her ass!" said Apocalyptic Daria.
Mr. T considered the six-pack's request. On the one hand, seven Darias was just about the right amount of women for the T. On the other hand, an eighth Daria might be too much to handle. On the third hand, she was evil, and would probably explode at the mere sight of T's might. On the fourth hand, there was no such thing as too many women for Mr. T. "I'll smack that bitch so hard, all of you will die," he said matter-of-factly.
"Hooray!" the six-pack cheered, and led him from the interdimensional portal in Daria's attic to the interdimensional portal behind the Good Times Chinese Restaurant. Mr. T, not understanding, made several Mr. T-shaped holes in the rear wall of the restaurant before finally walking through the portal.
On the other side of the portal, Mr. T and the seven Darias were confronted by Kyle Armalin, super-badass Army Colonel and all-around superhero. "Mr. T! What is the meaning of this?!" he demanded.
"I'm here to kick ass and kick some more ass, you ass," T retorted.
"I don't like you, Mr. T! We never had troublemakers like you in the Navy!"
"I challenge you to a duel," Mr. T said coldy.
"I accept," Armalin retorted, even coldlier.
The two skipped all that bowing crap and just started whaling on each other. Great earthquakes devestated the world they were on, killing millions; since none of them were main characters, though, nobody cared.
Armalin decided to use a few tricks he had learned during his time in the Marines. He tickled Mr. T in his armpits. Mr. T burst out laughing like a little girl, tears streaming down his face. "Cut it out, cut it out!" Mr. T begged, but Armalin wouldn't relent. "I give, I give!" Everybody stared in shock. Had Mr. T just surrendered?
When Armalin relented, Mr. T socked him in the gut so hard, he flew straight up and out of the universe. Mr. T let flip both birds at the distant form of Kyle Armalin.
Daria Prime approached Mr. T trepidatiously. "Will he be back?" she asked.
Mr. T nodded. "He learned how to fly in the Air Force, after all, so he'll come down sooner or later."
Mr. T and his merry band of Daria clones hopped into the nearby Architect gate, whereupon they were introduced to Odell Jones. The minister was presently patting a cute kitten on its head.
"Odell Jones!" Apocalyptic Daria cried out in fear. "You're the crazy pedophile who wants to kill me!" She raised her AK-47 in fear.
Odell Jones just smiled. "Don't be silly, dear. I'm just a kindly old priest, who loves petting kittens. I've never considered rape in my life."
In the distance, air raid sirens began going off as nuclear missiles streaked their way overhead. Light strobed the area, and mushroom clouds rose up in the distance.
Odell Jones sighed. "Oh dear, a nuclear war. Welp, guess that means only one thing." He proceeded to pick the kitten up and drop-kick it. Mr. T was fast, though, and caught the kitten before it actually reached the 'kick' part of drop-kick. T instead ripped off Odell Jones' balls and put them into the same spot in mid-air where he had removed the kitten from. Odell Jones was in for a shock indeed when he realized he had drop-kicked his own balls.
"Oh dear, I seem to have drop-kicked my own balls! How will I rape Daria now?" he wondered aloud, before dying from the shock of having his balls ripped off.
"Let's keep moving!" Mr. T shouted, as he punched his way closer to his goal. As the others followed him, the kitten -- Bump -- spied Roger the Mouse spying from a nearby tree, and ate him. Then, Evil Daria showed up and turned Bump into a platypus, the cruelest act she could think of. She sped off, cackling.
Meanwhile, T and his Daria companions fought their way through much of the Ringbearer and Legionnaire pantheon. They roughed up a few agents of DELPHI, The Agency, and whatever other wacky extradimensional organizations happen to be rattling their way through the multiverse. Mr. T could certainly tell you about all the people they fought, because Mr. T didn't just skim a few pages on the Daria Wiki and get bored like a sucker, no sir.
Anyway, after an epic battle, the gang finally ran into Kyle Armalin again. "It's me, Kyle Armalin, from the Salvation Army!" he said, waving a bell madly in his Santa Claus outfit.
"This is just silly," Mr. T declared, as he yanked off the outfit's beard, ruining Christmas for dozens of kids lined up to meet him.
As Mr. T drew back for one mighty punch, Armalin looked into his eye and said, "Mr. T, I'm your brother."
"Prove it, fool," Mr. T demanded.
Kyle Armalin removed his dogcatcher hat, revealing...a great big mohawk.
"Brother!" Mr. T shouted in exuberance, embracing Kyle Armalin like a brother. No, no...AS a brother.
The two shook hands and made up, and prepared to face Evil Daria.
They encountered her in her vicious dark bad lair of no-good. Her face was cloaked by a red cloak which was all alive and stuff. "Time's up, Judith!" Kyle and Mr. T shouted in tandem.
"Who's Judith?" she asked, pulling her hood back, revealing none other than Lynn Cullen. "It is I, Lynn Cullen, AKA Nega-Daria!" She cackled evilly. "I shall destroy the entire multiverse, so that I get to be the only Daria look-alike anywhere!" She cackled evilly again.
"Look!" Kyle Armalin shouted, pointing at the sun. "She's caused a coronal mass ejection! If that hits Veronica Morgendorffer, it will destroy all the alternate universes!"
"There's only one chance!" Legionnaire Daria shouted. "Van Maanen's star is close enough, and almost big enough, that if we trigger a supernova, it'll counteract the CME, and destroy Lynn Cullen's evil regime!"
"It's so crazy, it just might work!" moaned Zombie Daria. "But how will we make it go supernova?"
"We just need to bump it up to a solar mass of 1.5 or so. What do we know with that much mass?"
Mr. T sighed sadly. "My chains." Sadly, he surrendered one of the brave gold chains which hung around his neck, and using the Fanon Cannon, fired it into Van Maanen's star.
"NOOOOOOO!" Lynn Cullen shouted out in terror. But it was too late -- Van Maanen's Supernova collided with the Coronal Mass Ejection, cancelling each other out and preventing the death of the multiverse. Oh, and Lynn Cullen then died of a broken heart. (After Mr. T punched it to pieces).
Afterwards, everybody shook hands and agreed to never talk about what had happened ever again, since it was too silly. (But they all agreed it was definitely cannon...er, canon. Or at least, fanon). The six-pack of Darias lived happily ever after with Michael Fulton, one of the Robert Nelsons, one of the Martin Peters, two Jane Lanes, and a John Lane.
Daria Prime, however, remained a virgin for the rest of her life, certain that she would be reunited with her love Mr. T in Heaven. She was certain of this because Mr. T was literally God.
THE END OF THE MR. T TRILOGY, FOOLS.
My apologies to, well, everybody. I tried to lampoon all the fanon characters and conventions I could think of, but my knowledge was lacking in a few areas. (See if you can spot the subtle hint!). The only big thing I can think of having left out would be LATIFA, and that's because I couldn't think of a way to work it in that unnecessarily padded out the pacing. (Or something like that).